Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s03e10 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[SING-SONGY] I'm here!
I just shot my very first official
Rosie La Reina insurance commercial
inspired by my favorite person.
BOTH: Yourself?
Second favorite person.
One, Mariah Carey.
Oh, I just read her memoir.
It came out in 2020.
But it wasn't available
at Ross until now.
I'm gonna go get some popcorn.
When are you gonna tell Mom
about your secret friendship
with her lying, cheating ex?
I was thinking, you know, like,
10 past never.
I know, Mayan.
I'll tell her, but Josue's in recovery.
I'm helping a fellow addict.
He broke Mom's heart.
Your friendship with him
is a huge betrayal.
Secrets and lies is
something old George did.
I'll tell her later today.
After this commercial,
I'm going to be known as
the Mariah Carey
of affordable insurance.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
The world is a scary place
with no way to protect yourself, right?
Wrong!
Turn your pain into champagne!
Rosie La Reina's Insurance
will protect you
against bad drivers, dishonest doctors.
We don't have insurance
against cheating ex-boyfriends,
but I'm working on it.
Shop La Reina today!
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Rosie La Reina ♪
Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
No butterflies were harmed
in the making of this video.
That's not true.
We harmed a lot of butterflies.
I think maybe I'll find another day
to tell your mom about Josue.
Yeah.
♪
What's going on here?
Why do you have all our old stuff out?
Chance's class is learning
about what their parents
were like when they were younger.
My teacher says parents are people, too.
I think she's going through something.
[GASPS]
My first LARPing cloak!
You know, LARPing means
BOTH: Live Action Role Play.
It's more than just a game.
It's a portal to another world.
[GASPS] My God!
My old computer from high school!
[GASPS]
Dang, baby got back!
Computers were this big 10 years ago?
No, they were this big 30 years ago.
You think Nana bought me a new computer?
She got it at Ross.
[COMPUTER HUMMING]
It still runs as good
as the day I got it.
I used to spend hours
mixing music on this thing.
- Like a DJ?
- Yeah.
I got asked to play parties,
so I'd load this baby up on
a wagon and wheel her on over.
Whoa, you were cool?
I guess parents are people.
Live and learn. Live and learn.
Check it out. I remixed
my dad's favorite song
so that he'd notice me.
- Did it work?
- It did not.
But it still slaps.
- [ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- Low rider ♪
He's a real ♪
Cool!
You know what else is cool?
My amulet of invisibility.
Now you see me.
Now you pretend you don't.
OK, now that Daddy's gone,
tell me more about DJ Mommy.
[JAZZY MUSIC]
♪
Josue, don't be alarmed.
It's just me, George.
You look like Mexican Colombo.
I got your gas station potato
just the way you like it
day old.
Hey, uh
thanks, but not hungry.
Wait. You're not hungry?
[GASPS] You're breaking up with me.
I owe it to Rosie to tell her about us.
And when I do, I also want to tell her
that we're not friends anymore.
But you're not just my friend, George.
Hanging out with you these past weeks
has really helped me with my recovery.
I love our talks,
and our sunrise Zumba classes.
I know. My hips have never been looser.
And you've helped me with
my recovery, too, Josue.
Oh.
Which is what makes this so hard.
I I really don't know
what I'm going to do
without you, George.
If it'll help,
I mean, to remember you by,
you could give me this Maserati.
I just wish Rosie would
let me apologize to her.
Can you give her this letter
I wrote, please?
Ah, sure. I mean
I'd get it to her faster
if I had a Maserati.
[CHUCKLES] George.
Well, I guess this is goodbye, then.
Yeah.
Goodbye.
I'm not giving you the car.
Fine!
♪
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
OK, we already made the beat.
Now say something, and I'll loop it.
Mom's the GOAT, baa.
Here we go.
Mom's, Mom's, Mom's, Mom's ♪
Mom's the GOAT, baa ♪
Mom's, Mom's, Mom's the ♪
Mom's, Mom's, Mom's ♪
Mom's the GOAT, baa ♪
Can we turn it down a skosh?
It's a little loud.
Your daddy hates this stuff.
I remember you coming to one
of my sets and quickly leaving,
complaining "my tinnitus."
[LAUGHS] I blew my ears out
at a Jason Mraz concert.
I got a surprise for you.
I took my LARPing cloak to a wizard,
and I had him cast
a shrinking spell on it.
- Wanna try it on?
- Can we do it later?
Mom is showing me how
to lay down some sick tracks.
Did you hear that? My tracks are sick!
♪
Hey, Rosie, I need to talk to you.
What?
I see you're busy.
I'll come back at later, 30.
George, spit it out.
I ran into Josue. We talked.
I helped him with his sex addiction.
We became friends. It's over.
I'm sorry. Don't kill me.
The power of Christ compels you!
Did you just say
that you are friends with Josue?
Ex-friends.
And what do you mean, he's a sex addict?
He goes to Sex and Love
Addicts Anonymous,
SLAA.
I think they named it after coleslaw
because if you get coleslaw
down in your chonies
it's gonna slow you down.
So you're telling me that
he got into a relationship
with me knowing that
he would probably cheat?
Yeah.
He admitted it.
But to be fair,
he didn't say when he would cheat.
This is a lot to process.
Thank you for being honest.
That's what I do.
He asked me to give you this letter.
The last two sentences are
really, really touching.
I mean, I was like that.
♪
[HUMMING]
OK, you're on your second
gas station potato.
Now, tell me,
did you give Rosie my letter?
- Mm, I did.
- Oh.
It went great.
She even asked me to meet you
[BLOWING]
- To give you this.
- Oh!
[LAUGHS] Amazing.
[CHUCKLING]
Wait, this isn't a letter.
It's a summons.
She's suing me?
She is? I didn't know!
This doesn't feel right.
Give me that back.
Are you Josue Consuelos?
- Yes.
- You've been served.
What?
I wanted to do that
ever since I saw it on "Suits."
♪
You're suing Josue?
You can't sue somebody
for lying and cheating on you.
This is America.
You can sue anyone for anything.
Then in our case, I want it on record
that there's a statute of lactations.
Josue knew that he was
wasting my damn time.
Mariah Carey sued her ex
for this, and she got millions.
A diva doesn't get angry. She gets even.
Jennifer Lopez is a diva.
She never sued anybody.
I don't know her.
♪
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Welcome to Club Moving Truck,
LA's hottest nightclub on wheels.
Name?
Daddy.
Not on the list.
Your club is on my property.
You don't gotta flex that hard, boss.
Come on in.
Rider knows every street, yeah ♪
[ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Low rider ♪
Everybody, make some noise!
[CHEERING]
What's going on?
Chance asked me to DJ
for some of his friends.
Mommy and I are going
to drop our new single.
Isn't that fun?
Hey, it's OK if you want
to go get your earplugs.
I ain't no Mraz concert, baby.
[LAUGHS] Bring it on.
I am a fun dad, yo.
[VOICE CRACKING] Let's party!
I mixed this next one with
Glassell Park's newest DJ,
Sir Chance-a-Lot!
My beats go crazy!
[CHEERING]
♪
It's a little loud ♪
That's when we get
louder, louder, louder ♪
Louder, louder, louder ♪
Can we turn it down a skosh? ♪
Is that my voice?
My LARPing cloak ♪
My LARPing cloak ♪
My LARPing cloak ♪
Yeah.
My LARPing cloak ♪
It's definitely my voice. [CHUCKLES]
♪
Wikki-wikki-wikki-wikki ♪
Jason Mraz ♪
KIDS: Jason Mraz!
♪
It's a little loud ♪
♪
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I'm Paula,
your court-appointed mediator.
I can't be bought, bribed, or bullied,
but I won't say no
to a positive review on Yelp.
Rosie, I wish we were seeing each other
under different circumstances.
But I must say, you look great.
Liar.
I look amazing.
I skipped breakfast because I
am going to eat you for lunch.
Oh.
I thought that we would get Chipotle.
George.
♪
Had I not been with Josue,
here are some of the men
I may have married
Exhibit A, Tom Brady.
Exhibit B, Lenny Kravitz.
Exhibit C
I'm gonna have to stop you
there, Ms. Flores.
These are all hypothetical.
Then why don't we hear from my witness?
George Lopez, can you confirm
that this piece of caca
intentionally wasted my time?
I'm sorry, Josue. Rosie trusted you.
He knew that he couldn't be faithful.
Before SLAA,
Josue was a sexy,
sensuous, slimy serpent.
I rest my face.
Uh [CLEARS THROAT]
I would like to ask the witness
some questions, please.
What? No, I I already went.
I think we can all agree
I'm better in smaller doses.
George, why did your
relationship with Rosie end?
Uh, I cheated, I gambled, I gaslit.
Veni, vidi, vici.
So I am not the first toxic
man who's broken Rosie's heart?
Oh, no. No, not at all.
[CHUCKLES]
So you're saying there's a pattern here.
And and all of this is Rosie's fault?
What? No.
How dare you?
This is not my fault.
You can't blame me.
But this isn't Rosie's fault!
She just knowingly picks bad guys
who all end up screwing her over.
Exactly my point.
Thank you for being
my star witness, George.
I rest my case.
George, how could you?
No, I
I was framed like that painting!
That is a delightful piece.
Who who's the artiste?
Oh.
- It's me.
- Oh. [LAUGHS]
Sometimes the girls down the hall and I
go to a Paint and Sip Night.
That's very interesting.
Please tell me more, Paula.
Wow, George.
I thought you were my friend.
But obviously, you're just here
for Josue, not me.
I need a moment.
If you're interested,
that painting is for sale.
Nobody cares about your painting, Paula!
♪
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
That was such a crazy night.
We partied till the sun came up!
Whoo-hoo! [LAUGHS]
It never went down. It's 5:00 PM.
That Molly messed my head up.
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Molly Fitzpatrick.
He has a crush on her.
Why'd you leave early?
It's hard dancing to a song
that's making fun of me.
Even if it's to a dope beat?
Ha-ha. Wikki-wikki-wikki.
Don't doughboy me right now.
I'm sorry I hurt you.
I guess I just got caught up
in sharing something
that I enjoy with Chance,
and that never happens.
What are you talking about?
You guys have fun together all the time.
No, you guys always have fun together.
You build LEGOs and play video games
and race remote control cars.
You can do that stuff, too.
I don't want to.
This was the first time
that Chance and I
liked the same thing,
and it felt really good.
I'm glad you guys connected.
I guess I was just worried
that Chance was over
hanging out with me.
Are you kidding?
The reason we used your voice
is because Chance insisted.
He talks about his dad more than I talk
to my therapist about mine.
He's obsessed with you.
Really?
Just a skosh.
OK.
- You can doughboy me now.
- Yay!
Wikki-wikki-wikki.
Oh, hoo hoo!
[LAUGHTER] Come here.
♪
What was that?
I came here to support Rosie,
and you tricked me
into making her look bad.
Well, I'm sorry, George.
She's suing me,
and I'm a very good lawyer.
What am I supposed to do?
Make amends.
Recovery is about taking responsibility.
It's not about blaming others.
[SCOFFING] That's so stupid.
Oh, not you.
I'm watching TikToks with no sound.
I tried to apologize to Rosie.
I wrote her that letter,
but it didn't work.
She never read it.
What?
You wanna be a good lawyer,
or do you wanna be a good man?
I'm ready to continue.
I had to go in my car and
listen to Mariah sing "Hero."
Well, let's go. [CLEARS THROAT]
I would like to say something.
"Dear Rosie, I've been
an addict for a long time.
"I let it ruin countless relationships,
"but never thought I needed
help, until I lost you.
"That's when I realized
I let my addiction
"take away the greatest thing
that ever happened to me.
"Though I do not deserve
your forgiveness,
"you still deserve my apology.
I'm sorry."
That is one
emotionally mature sex addict.
Paula, I will give Rosie
whatever money she's asking for.
I guess our relationship
wasn't a waste of time
because it got you into recovery.
Josue, I don't want your money.
But we will take your car.
As much as I really wanted to hurt you,
it's not going to help my healing.
So I choose to move on,
like the beautiful butterfly that I am.
Thank you, Rosie.
Well, now I feel like
I should sue all of you
for wasting my damn time.
Sorry for what I said about you, Rosie.
You should be. It was rude.
But the worst part is that it was true.
When it comes to relationships,
I can be un poquito toxica.
Well, you know, sometimes
holding a mirror up to yourself
can make you feel ugly.
But know that you'll
always be beautiful to me.
Liar.
I look hot. [CHUCKLES]
Come on. I'll get you Chipotle.
All right.
Before we go, I just gotta do one thing.
Go, go, go, go! Go!