Metalocalypse (2006) s03e10 Episode Script

Oh, I think we stopped.
One I got to take a Two [bleep.]
Stupid Charles! Man, there's nothing but that healthy food on this bus.
I need, like, a pretzel, just one taco, and gas-station nachos and pizza.
What about that new rock & roll diet weight-loss sponsorship? Come on, man! Look at me! In shape! I'm comings with.
Lets me gets my jacket! Jackets is for pussies! Ah! Dude, I got to use the can! Let me in there! Can't help you! Ocupado, dude! Oh, no! Guys, the bus is driving away! - Somebodys calls the - Our deth phones are on the deth bus! Come on! Let's go! - Wait for us! - Wait! Stop! No! Now whats the Are we gonna do?! I don't know! Come on, guys.
Let's go to the forest.
There's got to be a shortcut.
Yeah.
The forests.
As long as we're moving, we're good.
I guess you knows what you're takings about, right? Do me a favor and have the deth driver do a head count of the boys.
Yes, sir.
Sir? I just have a weird feeling about something.
Sir, the deth driver just did a head count.
The band mates were left behind at a gas station.
They never notified the bus driver that they were going in.
They're now missing.
Get a chopper ready.
You, 2375, come with me.
Yes, sir! But how did you know? They could freeze out there.
We can't waste any time.
Why didn't we brings our jackets? Oh, this is humiliating way to die Huddled together like a bunch of homos.
Pickles, we need to use each other's body heat to stay alive.
- I'm telling you here.
- Ugh.
Just try not to get a boner.
You try not to get a boner for me! 'Cause I'm getting in good shape.
Rock & roll diet, losing weight.
We're lost, we missed our bus, and we're dying in the snow because our manager's too busy.
Yeah! You're right! This is his fault! Yeah! This is his fault! Guys, stay right there.
We're sending down a ladder.
[bleep.]
Ofdensen! [bleep.]
That guys! tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock dethklok! Dethklok! Dethklok! Dethklok! I'mTicking forThe dethklok, dethklok skwisgaar skwigelf, taller than a tree toki wartooth, not a Bumblebee William murderface murderface murderface pickles the drummer doodily doo ding dong dowdily Nathan explosion What the hell happened out there, you?! Yeah! How did we get left behind? - Yeah! - Oh! I just want to get warm! I need more blankets! You guys were out there for less than 15 minutes.
God knows why you ran into the woods and didn't stay in the gas station.
Well, maybe we don't know to go inside when it's cold, all right? Yeah! Maybe we need someone to tell us to do that.
Where were you?! Listen, I can't be there every second of your life.
Couldn't have made it easier for you.
I put food on the bus.
All you have to do is eat the food, stay on the bus, don't walk into snow Cold snowSnow cones.
Snow cones.
Write this down snow cones.
Yes, sir.
"Snow cones.
" Why are you talking about snow cones?! I'm freezing, and I practically died, damn it! Aah! Great.
Now I lost my assistant.
Man, well, I know we screwed up and stuff, but we're still palling around this weekend, right? Yeah, we're still gonna pal around, right, all of us? Uh, sorry, guys, but I'm gonna have to go ahead and cancel that.
Uh, too much work to do Israel concert and everything.
Sorry.
I'll make it up to you.
I still can't believe Charles blew us off to work.
I mean, he totally rejected us.
Yeah! He did totally reject us.
I know.
We're the Biggest death-metal band of all time.
You don't reject us to work.
I know! We planned this weekend in Syria for a long time! - I know! - Yeah.
And nows we gots to do it alones.
It's a downer! Just looking at each other's stupid faces.
I know.
And we're sick of each other.
I know! I think that's the first time we ever got rejected for anything.
Yeah.
It feels bad.
Well, at least we gots a couple days to hangs out with our old pals abdul maliks! Thats guys can party! Yeah.
I guess that's cool.
- Sir, your new assistant manager has arrived.
- Very well.
- Sir, I'm 572 - Uh-huh.
You've been trained, fully vetted, and former identity erased.
Your life will be at risk daily, et cetera, and you should know that all of my previous assistants have died long, painful deaths.
- Yes, sir.
- All right.
Sir, your video conference is scheduled to commence.
Very good.
You, watch and learn.
This is some of the most important and lucrative business I will have conducted up to this point.
Put him on.
Hello, Charles! And let me say how much of a pleasure it is to be uniting Saul's sno cones and dethklok.
And we followed your design to a tee and think they turned out great.
And they taste great! Dethkones.
Icy and brutal! Wonderful.
Send us 70 million units.
Seriously? Bye.
the concert in Israel? - Presale sold out in minutes400,000 seats.
- Very well.
Yes, sir, we have a conference call with the local promoters at 1400.
Good.
Advance the venue in the meantime, and I'll check with concert and pre pro.
Yes, sir.
Pardon me, sir, did you just buy $70 million worth of Charles: Yeah.
Boys, what a great weekend! Dude, thanks for hosting us.
It's nice to have someone to pal around with who isn't too busy! Yeah, that's the truth.
Ah! Yeah, thanks, abduls! Ha! Ow! Well, you guys are crazy! And, boy, you sure can drink.
Oh, thanks, abdul! Seriously, guys, I can't wait for the show in Syria! We're gonna start promoting it if you guys are cool.
Oh, that's right.
We got we got drunk and did heroin and stuff and said we'd book a gig in Syria.
I remember now.
- Uh - Yeah, let's do it.
Uh, guys, are you sure? I mean, Charles usually books the gigs, you know.
Yeah, but he's not heres agains.
So we can does what we wants.
Well, uh It's hard to say what to do.
Too much work to do Israel concert and everything.
I don't see what could possibly be bad about booking a gig in Syria.
Israel concert and everything.
So I'm gonna go ahead and say let's book it! Do it! Promotes it! Yeah, do it! Oh, you guys, thank you so much! Syria's gonna lose their mind balls! I love it! I got to run! I'll see you soon! I'll see you later, abdul! Yeah! We just booked a gig! That dude's the real deal.
Ah! Managing this band is the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life.
You won't be thanked for your work.
No one will remember your birthday.
People will take you for granted.
Robot! And, like I said, your life will be in constant danger.
You'll ask yourself, "why do I do this?" And ultimately, you'll know that it simply needs to be done.
It's the most rewarding thing you'll ever do.
It's something worth dying for.
It's something worth dying for.
It's something worth dying for.
It's something worth dying for.
It's something worth dying for.
'S something worth dying for.
Sir, the united nations would like you to call them.
- Oh.
Generally, it's not good to receive a phone call from the, uh, united nations.
Hi, I'm William murderface, and I may look a little heavy right now, but that won't last too long, because I'm on the rock & roll diet.
Soon I'll be slipping into my skinny shorts with ripped-up abs and rocking biceps! So stay tuned and watch the fat melt off of my body to reveal the me that I've always wanted to be! The rock & roll diet get on it! Hey, why'd the tv turn off? Did you book a gig in Syria without telling me? Uh murderface: Why are you yelling at us? They're calling it "double deth jeopardy, " the double-booked dethklok gig between Israel and Syria.
The world waits with bated breath, hoping that this ticking time bomb can be disarmed.
Charles ofdensen is expected to meet with the united nations soon.
You double-booked a gig on the exact same date with Syria and Israel, who are bitter enemies! - You ams pissed off because - Because we're fat! We didn't know we were doing something bad because you weren't there.
I mean, can't we cancel it? No, we can't cancel it.
Nice work, guys.
Oh, no, we blew it! How could we have been so stupid?! There's something bigger to think about.
Our manager finally hates us.
Now the question is, how do we avoid starting world war III? We're in quite a predicament.
Normally when dethklok performs a show, the local economy flourishes, jobs are created, and even though there's potential damage and, uh, minor physical harm Everyone makes money, and everyone is happy, and everyone is entertained.
But since the double-booking of the gig between Syria and Israel, acts of terror, vandalism, and threats of nuclear warfare have arisen in the media.
Aah! Now, if for some reason I can't convince one of these countries to reschedule, we could be the cause of world war III Which will hurt record sales.
And that's our bread and butter they're With.
And the tallies are in.
Worst beach body of the decade goes to dethklok's own tubby bassist, William murderface.
That is so Up! It's not my fault! I'm struggling with my rock & roll diet! Murderface, you're a huge, fat pig because our manager is too busy and you're overfeeding yourself like a dumb animal.
You're fat because of neglect! Yeah! It's neglect! Yeah, you ams fat.
Yeah, you're like a manatee.
Yeah, a manatee.
You're right! This is his fault! Ofdensen! And, toki, you've been hitting people a lot.
I don't think he can hear me.
Toki, you are finished now.
Okays! Sees you guys later! Goodbye.
Oh! Toki's hitting people again! Toki, no, don't hit ow! - Oh! - Ow! Damn it, Charles! He better do something about us.
Our bass player's fat.
Toki's a chronic hitter.
I mean, we're all starting to act like assholes in our own way.
- Oh! - Ah! Ah! We've heard from both parties and are sad to say we cannot reach a conclusion in regards to moving either of the two concerts.
Now, listen.
It's in our best interest to satisfy both parties to the best of my ability.
For that, I may need a little patience on your Sorry.
I may need a little patience as I iron out the, uh sir, it's dethklok.
Tell them I'll have to return their phone call.
They claim it's rather urgent.
Urgent* very well.
I'm very sorry.
Uh, guys, I'm in a meeting with the united nations right now.
Toki hit me in the arm, and it really hurt! I'm trying to solve the, uh, israeli-syrian issue with the u.
N.
Right now.
Hey! It's Nathan.
He hit me, too.
And he keeps on hitting all of us.
- Ah, well, uh, maybe if you took - Hey! Hey! Mm-hmm.
It's William.
Yes.
I was just standing there, and, see, toki walks up and slaps me hard Really hard on the back! And I didn't do anything to provoke him! Neithers did any of us! And now I got the Welts all over my arms! - Okay, well, listen - And the tv news called me "fat"! Okay.
Guys, I'm really busy right now.
In the meantime, try to tell toki that you don't appreciate being hit.
You tell him! He won't listen to us! We know he won't! No, he won't! You have to do it! Okay, when I get home, before dinner, I'll talk to him, okay? I just I can't do it right now.
- I'm in the - No! Now! We're watching you on tv! We'll know if you don't! Yeah, you're on c-span.
You're not doing it! Uh, my apologies, ladies and gentlemen of the united nations.
I have to Make a quick phone call to toki.
- Uh, hello, toki? - Hi! You've reached the phones of toki wartooth.
I'm not homes right now, buts listens very carefully to these following instructions.
After you hear the beep, please leaves a detailed message on who's you are and what you'd likes to talks to toki wartooths about.
After a long session, an agreement has been reached.
Dethklok has no choice but to play two gigs at once.
Dethklok has double-booked a gig between Israel and Syria and could bring about the biggest war in years.
Vader orlag? But in the hot seat is Charles ofdensen.
He's proven to be master accountant, manager, legal counsel, and negotiator, who's even managed to negotiate his way out of death.
Short time ago, he was believed to be dead.
He reappeared nine months later, just as the band was about to throw their careers away.
But the question remains.
Why did he fake his death? Where was he during those nine months? You're mine now! You're mine now! Mine now! I need you to kill me.
He saw me and lived.
Could he know who I am? No, master.
Impossible.
Ofdensen's disappearance coincides with the commencement of the falconback project.
We have to consider the possibility that he could have knowledge.
Impossible! No one other than the people in this room know of its existence.
This information is top secret and highly guarded.
If he were anywhere near the premises, he'd have been hunted down.
Yes, general.
But no one hunts for a dead man.
The dead man.
Dead man.
- The dead man.
- The dead man.
The dead man! The dead man! The dead man! The dead man! To satisfy both parties, we're forced to spend a great deal of money developing new concert technology.
Now, it's true, trying to perform in two places at once will put us in the red.
And the only way to make it back will be a super concession double blowout.
We need to create a scenario wherein we can sell as many dethkones as humanly possible.
Dethkones.
Icy and brutal! Believe it or not, gentlemen, snow cones could very well save our asses.
Snow cones and merch.
Here's a fun little video that will explain everything.
Hey, folks, it's me, facebones Facebones What happened to the facebones thing? Guys, I'm trying to work here.
Can you please stop? What? We're just trying to help you.
Ah! Go away! The five of you are the cause of all of this.
I want you out of my sight now.
Go.
Go! But what about I thought we were gonna hang out.
Get out of here! Guys, I think it's pretty clear that our manager doesn't care about us anymore.
And, murderface, I mean, you're getting really, really, really fat.
It's kind of the final nail in the coffin.
I know we don't know what to do right now with all these big, huge problems like making messes, not cleaning up after ourselves, and, uh, you know, potentially starting world war III.
I'm gonna suggest that we do something we've never done before.
Something doesn't feel right.
Can you do a head count of the boys? Sire, they don't appear to be on the premises.
What do you mean? They've gone.
Sire, they've left this note.
We've run away.
They've run away.
And it appears as if they've left without any jackets or credit cards.
How are we supposed to do a show if there's no band? It'll be a war.
You let me worry about that.
I'm gonna go find them myself.
I'm sorry I've been so busy.
And I see what that's done to all of you.
I want you to know you're all very important to me.
And, toki, you don't need to hit people to get their attention.
Everybody likes you, thinks you're really cool.
I think you're really cool.
Uh, there, there.
Uh-huh.
There's a bigger matter at hand.
We have the opportunity to save thousands of lives.
But I can't do it alone.
We're good to go.
We're on in four three Two there's a problem.
It's not working, sir! Just reboot it.
Try it again.
It's still not working! Damn it! Performance sequence initiated.
Hello, Israel and Syria! Assalamu alaikum and shalom! we are the dark and the light we are the dark and the light we have the power of time we have the power of time we are the serpents intertwined we are the serpents intertwined the galaxy will unite Turn up the heat.
We're gonna sell some dethkones.
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