Mom s03e10 Episode Script

Well, that was awkward.
What? Did you not notice Steve leering at me through the whole meeting? I didn't see any leering.
Oh, yeah, he was leering.
He was eating cookies at me.
How do you eat a cookie “at” someone? I'd show you, but it'd freak you out.
Bonnie, I'm not gonna tell you I told you so, but maybe someone could say it for me.
She did tell you not to sleep Yeah, I heard her, Wendy.
But what am I supposed to do, go back in time and un-bang him? If I could go back in time, I'd totally un-bang Barry Slotnick.
For me, it would be Brad Hoisington.
Oh, and his brother Dale.
The drum roadie for ZZ Top.
And not un-bang, re-bang.
Okay, we're all sluts.
Moving on.
Wait, I didn't go.
The Korean guy who told me he was Joe Montana.
How do you mistake a Korean guy for Joe Montana? I was drunk, and he kept the helmet on till we were done.
Okay, you win.
The point is Steve is still hung up on me, and I can't go back to that meeting.
I need to find one where I can feel safe.
Hmm, that's a toughie.
Is there an A.
A.
meeting in Northern California where you haven't slept with someone? What are you insinuating? I think it's pretty clear.
You guys all get it, right? Why don't you go to a gay meeting? Well, don't you have to be gay? No, you just have to be a drunk.
Anything else you put in your mouth is your business.
Actually, that sounds like it might be fun.
You all saw that, right? No one eats a cookie like that.
Welcome, welcome, welcome! Thank you.
I'm Milo.
- Bonnie.
- Christy.
So glad you're here.
Are you new? No, we're here 'cause this one slept her way out of our regular meeting.
Oh, honey.
Been there.
Yeah, we're usually at South street on Tuesday nights.
Marjorie's meeting.
I love her.
Helped me get sober.
How is that hag doing? Still rocking a pant suit? She is.
She's got a serious boyfriend now.
Shut up.
I thought there was police tape over that thing.
I like him.
Well, come on in.
Snack table's over there.
It is sushi night, so grab a spicy tuna roll and settle in.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Well, this is perfect.
Good-looking, well-dressed people, and I haven't slept with any of them.
Bonnie? Jeanine? Oh, my God, Aunt Jeanine! Christy Crackerjack, is that you?! Look at you, you're all grown up! Oh.
Oh.
I can't believe it's you.
Mom, look, Aunt Jeanine! Yeah, I see her.
Kiddo, you realize I wasn't really your aunt.
Yeah, I know.
My Mom sat me down and explained it to me when I turned 36.
Hey, look at that, you have slept with somebody here.
How you doing, Jeanine? I'm good.
I beat cancer, I beat Hep C.
I had two angioplasties and a hip replacement.
I'm like the Bionic Lesbian.
So how long you been sober? Ooh, six months.
This time.
Well, good for you.
I'm going on 28 years.
Wow.
What's your secret? I haven't had a drink in 28 years.
But I have thought about you a lot.
Yeah, me, too.
About you.
Okay, listen, good to see you.
Maybe, uh, after the meeting, we can catch up.
Yeah, I'd like that.
Okay.
Excuse me, I got to go get this party started.
Paul.
Play me in.
How great is it to see Jeanine? Yeah, terrific.
Let's go.
Hold on, hold on! Sashimi! So let me get this straight.
You lived with this woman? For about a year.
And during this time, did you do gay things with her? Gay things were done.
What kind of gay things? What difference does it make? I'm having trouble picturing it.
Then stop.
Were you in love? It's complicated.
When we met, I was experiencing financial difficulties.
We were living in our car.
Which was parked in a lovely neighborhood.
Anyway, I met Jeanine, she was a blast.
I knew she liked me, she loved Christy.
So I decided, “what the hell?” I've faked it with a man, I can fake it with a woman.
So bottom line, you pretended to be in love with this woman in order to keep a roof over your heads.
Yes, Marjorie, just as at other times, I've pretended to be a nun, Geena Davis, and a USDA meat inspector.
Oh, yeah, we did eat well that summer.
So how did it end with you two? I realized Jeanine was getting kind of serious, so I did the decent thing.
I packed up Christy, and we snuck out in the middle of the night.
I was told we were going to Sea World.
I told you were going to “see the world.
” and we did.
Sounds like you owe this woman an amends.
Oh, for God's sake, Marjorie, I can't possibly make amends to every single person I've screwed over.
Why not? Well, for starters, when am I gonna be in Japan again? Thanks again for seeing me.
Hey, I was happy to get the call.
So you still in real estate? Number one salesperson in my firm.
Ever since they legalized gay marriage, there's a queer tidal wave headed for the suburbs.
Nice.
Yeah, me and restoration hardware Big winners.
Who's this? That's Lenore.
She came along after you.
Oh, that's nice.
Is she around? I'd love to meet her.
Yeah, right on the mantle.
Bonnie, Lenore.
Lenore, Bonnie.
I'm so sorry.
How did she die? Doing what she loved most, mountain climbing.
Well, in this case, mountain falling.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Don't be.
She would have loved that joke.
You gonna tell me why you're here? Why do you think? I need to make amends.
You were so good to me and Christy, and I just treated you horribly.
I accept your amends.
Really? It's that easy? Well, in all fairness, I did my best to keep you loaded so you'd stick around.
So I guess I owe you an amends, too.
Wait, I'm confused.
All these years, I thought I was the one who took advantage of you.
Now you're saying I was the victim? Some victim.
I kept a well-stocked bar, I tossed you a couple of Quaalude’s, and you lived with me for two years rent-free.
Two years? Time flies when you put bourbon on your pancakes.
Huh.
Okay, well, mm-hmm.
What do you say we just call it even? Works for me.
You hungry? I guess I could eat.
Come on, I'll throw a couple steaks on the grill.
- Sounds good.
- All right.
I'm really glad we could reconnect.
Me, too.
I would have laid even money you'd be dead or in jail by now.
Technically, I've been both.
This is always a hard day for me.
Four years ago, I finally found the courage to come out to my father.
He hasn't spoken to me since! - It's just so hard - A piano player? Sushi? I swear, it was all here.
Why aren't we using the dishwasher? I like it better this way.
It's soothing.
Although you still cannot dry a dish.
What?! Look at it.
It's wetter than when I handed it to you.
Well, then give me a better towel.
Really? You're blaming the towel? You'd rather I blame you for not using the friggin' dishwasher? Same old Bonnie.
Hey.
Can I ask you something? Sure.
Anything.
You know what? Never mind.
Ugh, I always hated when you did that.
Ask me.
Okay.
Back when we were a couple, were you just going through the motions, or, did you have any feelings for me at all? Of course I had feelings for you.
I mean, as much as I was capable of having feelings for anybody.
You know, I was devastated when you left.
I know.
When I saw you walk into that meeting, I thought my heart was gonna jump out of my chest.
Yeah, I got a little jolt, too.
Ooh.
Oh, geez.
I'm sorry.
Oh, God.
- Are you okay? - Yes.
Hi.
Hey.
How'd it go with Aunt Jeanine? Would you please stop calling her Aunt Jeanine? Fine.
How'd it go with your former lesbian lover? It went great.
I made my amends, we talked about old times, had a couple steaks.
That's it? No dipping your toe back in the lady pond? Don't be silly.
So All parties remained dry.
Hey.
I am your mother.
Show a little respect.
Oh, please, we're way past that.
Good night.
Night.
Okay.
I dipped my toe, I dipped my face.
Everything got dipped.
What? It just happened.
One thing led to another.
You know how it is.
No, I don't.
I'm team penis, always have been.
So what does this mean? Now you're gay? No.
I mean, for an hour and a half, yes, but no.
An hour and a half? We're women There was lots of cuddling.
I don't understand.
How can you flip-flop like that? I don't know.
I dropped a plate, we bumped heads.
I might have had a concussion.
So what happens now? Does Christy have two mommies? Nothing happens.
It was a fluke.
It was sex with the ex, a one-time thing.
Does Jeanine know that? Of course she knows.
We're mature, sober women now.
We understand what this was about.
Ah, damn it.
What? She sent me a poem.
Wow, something smells good.
It should.
It's your favorite.
Oh, hi there.
Mm, hi.
Dinner will be ready in 20, so why don't you go wash up.
Uh, okay.
Did we have plans? No.
I thought I'd surprise you.
Well, mission accomplished.
How'd you get in? Christy Crackerjack let me in.
Ah, sure.
Where is that fun-size treat? Doing her homework.
Just like old times, huh? You bet.
Excuse me.
Love that tool belt.
Very sexy.
Okay.
Hi, Mom number one.
Why didn't you call me, text me, anything? Oh, I don't know.
'Cause I'm a little stinker.
Want some bruschetta? No, I don't want any bruschetta.
Your loss.
Jeanine grows her own basil.
Yeah, I know.
She showed me her garden.
I bet she did.
Hey, Bonnie, you still hate mushrooms? Actually, no.
Hmm, look at you, trying new things.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that you two gals are not on the same page.
Now I remember why I ran out on her.
She's crazy.
Interesting.
Couple of days ago, Steve was crazy.
He was.
Last week, I was crazy, Marjorie was crazy, the guy at the gas station was crazy.
So you see what I'm up against.
God, I am so full.
I hope you left room for blueberry pie with fresh whipped cream.
Oh, no, Jeanine, no more food.
I'm gonna have to take my pants off.
Now you see how it happens.
If you don't mind, I think I'm gonna have my dessert later.
You sure? Yeah, I've got to finish my homework, and I bet you two want some alone time.
No need.
We're fine.
It's okay, Mom.
I know you're sexually active.
Thank you so much for dinner.
It's great to have you back.
Likewise, Crackerjack.
Honey, you want coffee with your dessert? No, I'm good.
You're better than good.
You're great.
Jeanine, please sit.
L-let's talk.
Is everything okay? No, not really.
Listen, I'm really grateful you accepted my amends.
But, what happened after, the kissing and stuff Was maybe ill-advised.
How so? The thing is I'm not really into women.
Really? You could have fooled me.
Hey, when I'm doing something, I like to do it well.
Look, don't get hung up on the labels, okay? Gay, straight.
The point is you and I have feelings for each other.
We had 'em a long time ago, and we have 'em right now.
Well, of course we have feelings for each other.
But? You and I back together, uh It's not gonna work.
Okay.
I get it.
I'm really sorry.
I never meant to hurt you.
At least this time, you didn't run out in the middle of the night.
Again, I'm really sorry.
You know what, it's okay.
I'll just pack up my pots and pans and get out of here.
Oh, come on.
You don't have to leave.
We're both adults.
We can have some coffee.
I can sit here and enjoy your pie.
Yeah, yeah, I heard it, too.
So, Bonnie, did you ever make amends to that woman? As a matter of fact, I did.
For an hour and a half.
Well, good for you.
The healing starts when we clean up the messes we made.
Unless you're making new ones.
Big, sloppy new ones.
Did you know my mom's amends come with a happy ending? Wait, more gay stuff was done? Bonnie, can I talk to you? Sure, I guess.
Ooh.
More mama drama.
What's up? Okay, well, I noticed that you haven't been coming to this meeting, and I'm guessing it's because I made it uncomfortable for you.
- A little bit, but - Let me let me finish.
I get why you wanted to keep our relationship on the down-low.
You weren't that into me.
And you know what? That's okay.
I just hope we can go back to being friends.
Does that mean you're done with the weird cookie thing? Yeah, sorry about that.
I was trying to be sexy.
Bonnie.
Oh, boy.
What happened between us the other night can't be a mistake.
We belong together.
Okay.
Hold that thought.
Now do you get it? Oh, please.
You call that a kiss? Now I can picture it! Okay, that was pretty good.
I wasn't ready.
I want to go again.
This is exactly what happened in Japan! Hola, mi nombre es Soledad, y soy una alcohólica.
Hola, Soledad.
You get how ridiculous it is that we have to go to this meeting - to avoid people you've slept with.
- Oh, come on.
Where's your sense of adventure? How am I supposed to get anything out of it if I can't understand what they're saying? Fine, I'll translate.
“I drank.
” “I ruined my life.
” “It's all better now.
” Thanks, that helps.
Shh.
Dios mio.
Bonnie Plunkett? Andale.