Monk s03e10 Episode Script

MONK Season 3 Epi.
10 Mr.
Monk and the Red Herring It's been three months.
How are you holding up? Well, I've made a decision.
- Good.
When she comes back, I'm not gonna pay her for the weeks she missed.
I have to draw the line.
- I'm docking her pay.
- Adrian - Sharona is not coming back.
- She'll be back.
Believe me.
I, I think I know her a lot better than you do.
Didn't she sell her house? - Yes.
And she moved back to New Jersey.
- Yes.
And she remarried her ex-husband.
I'm not sure I like where you're going here.
Adrian, Sharona is moving on with her life, and if you loved her, you'd be happy for her.
She wasn't just my assistant.
I know.
- When she found me, I was drowning.
- She saved my life.
- I know.
I know.
I was there.
You're a doctor.
Can't you make her come back? What would you like me to do? Fly back to New Jersey and drug her, bring her back here? No.
But thank you.
She's pretty smart.
She'd probably escape.
Adrian, you were lucky to know her.
And I know you'll always be grateful, but it's time for you to move on.
You've gotta start looking for your new assistant.
- Impossible.
Yeah, well, that's what you said before you found Sharona.
But, Adrian, you've got to start looking.
Your new assistant is out there somewhere.
God help her.
I've been a registered nurse for 14 years.
These are my references.
Your staple's crooked.
I've been voted California nurse of the year three years in a row.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
What's up with this staple? You're looking for someone to start right away? - That's right.
What would my hours be? - 9 A.
M - until? - Until one - 1 P.
M? - Until one of us dies.
So who was he? So far he's John Doe.
No wallet, no I.
D.
We're running the prints now.
Miss Teeger, I'd like to go through the story.
Um, you heard a noise, you came to check it out.
He comes, he grabs you from behind.
- Right.
You struggle.
Now, there were some scissors on that table.
What were they doing there? Julie, my daughter, was working on a school project.
- Where's the girl? - She's with a neighbor.
- Didn't see anything.
- Good.
So you grabbed the scissors and you stabbed him? I wasn't trying to kill him.
Maybe I was.
I, I don't know.
Natalie.
You had every right to defend yourself.
- where's your husband? - Uh, he died.
Uh, six years ago.
He's a, uh, was a navy pilot.
- I'm sorry.
- Captain, why are they doing this? - What do they want from me? - Who's "they"? There was, uh another intruder two days ago.
On Tuesday, a man came to my house.
He said he was here to check my water meter.
But he didn't go downstairs.
I, I caught him over there just looking around.
But when he saw me, he ran out the back door.
We called water and power, but there's no record.
And this was a different guy? - Yeah.
You're sure about that? - Yeah.
Sir.
There's gotta be a connection here.
Do you know the odds against two different men breaking into the same house in the same week? No, I don't.
Do you? No.
Is there anything of value in your house? Yeah.
My daughter.
Of course.
I mean cash or jewelry? - Medicine? - No.
- Drugs? - No.
And you've never seen these men before? Either this guy or the meter guy? - No.
Huh.
Miss Teeger, there's a person we sometimes bring in.
He's a former detective.
He sort of specializes in cases like this.
Great, let's call him.
It's not that easy.
You see, he's, uh, he's taking some time off.
He's sort of working through one or two personal issues right now.
But I think if you were to talk to him and ask him yourself, he might change his mind.
Mr.
Monk, I'm a little confused.
- Me, too.
See, I'm a registered nurse.
And physically, you seem to be fine.
Are you looking for a housekeeper? No, what? No, no.
I, I, I can clean the house.
Don't worry about that.
That's covered.
She didn't give me any notice.
I guess she was worried that I'd have a nervous breakdown or But, but her son, Benjy, he he gave me this letter.
- He left me this.
- It's in a baggie.
It's an evidence bag.
Read the P.
S.
- Did you read the P.
S.
? - Yeah, it's heartbreaking.
Uh, Mr.
Monk, can I be honest with you? - I wish you wouldn't.
- I've had tons of patients like you.
There is nothing wrong with you.
It's all up here.
- It's psychological.
- Right, right.
What you really need is a wife.
Oh, whoa.
Uh, we just met.
Okay? I don't even know you.
It's not me.
I'm not proposing to you.
It's a statement of fact.
- Excuse me.
- you gotta stop whining, you know? - There, there's no smoking.
- Sharona moved away, wah, wah, wah.
You know what? You have got to get out of the house.
You gotta do something.
Go bowling.
You know, meet some people.
- That is my advice to you.
- You gotta, you gotta put that out! All right.
Don't get all twisted up.
There.
It's out.
And so am I.
Another morning shot to hell.
Hold upright.
Pull away pin.
Stand eight feet from the flame.
One, two, three, four Hello? Mr.
Monk? - Hello? Mr.
Monk? - One, two, three Are you okay? - What are you doing? - Measuring.
It says eight feet, stay back! You know, they, they mean approximately.
- No, no.
It doesn't say approximately.
You have to trust the label makers, professional label makers.
- Just give me that! - Wait a second, you're too close! Are you okay? We did it.
I'm gonna write these people a letter.
We could've been killed.
They should say "approximately.
" - Are you Monk? - Yeah.
- Adrian Monk? - Right.
The detective? The famous, admired, respected detective? If you still want the job, we can go talk in the kitchen.
- What job? - Aren't you here from the agency? No.
I came here to hire you.
I'm Natalie Teeger.
Captain Stottlemeyer said that you might be able to help me.
- No.
He said you were the best cop he's ever met.
I guess he's never seen you put out a fire.
Well, I'm sorry, but, um, I'm not really taking any work right now.
I recently lost a dear friend.
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
Who died? Nobody died.
My nurse quit.
The captain said you might change your mind.
- Well Okay, look, I can pay you.
I'm not rich, but I can borrow money if I have to.
No.
- I can take out a loan.
I can't.
Um, I just, I can't.
There was a man in my house last night.
I killed him.
There was another man in my house a couple of days ago.
They're after something.
I can't figure it out.
Nobody can.
Do you have kids? - No.
I do.
I have an 11-year-old daughter.
Mr.
Monk, I don't say this very often.
- I'm scared.
- Yeah, look.
Please, help me.
Please, help us.
It's okay.
Is there money in the house? - No.
What about the coffee can? Isn't that where you hide your money? How did you know that? There's coffee grounds on the counter indicating that it's been opened recently, but you don't have a coffeemaker.
Wow, he's like Velma from Scooby-doo.
I, I had money in there, but I spent in on luxury items like food and rent.
You grew 5/8s of an inch.
- Your husband was in the navy? - Yeah, he died six years ago.
He was a pilot.
And you recently started dating again.
- How did you know that? - It's patently obvious.
I happened to notice these in your coat pocket.
Birth control pills.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I can't believe you just did that! Right in front of my daughter? What is wrong with you? Do you have, like, zero social skills? Mom, it's okay.
I'm not a baby.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute.
Oh, my mistake.
These are not birth control pills.
These are, these are Tic-tacs.
Just little pink and green Tic-tac candies.
But don't eat them.
They're They're special, adult, you know, Tic-tacs Detective Monk, what What do you think these guys are after? I don't know.
Okay, we, we have two intruders? One last night, one two days ago.
Both in this room? - Where were they exactly? - Uh, just around the television, Is this yours? Um, no, mine's over there.
It's brand-new.
It's never been used.
I can't believe all those detectives missed that.
Well, they probably saw it.
They just didn't give it a second thought.
- Do you have a baggie? - Uh, yes.
Is this light always on? Actually, it was off last night.
I didn't turn it on.
- Me neither.
- Tell me about the fish.
- His name is Mr.
Henry.
My father gave him to me.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You think they're after the fish? Why? You smell that? What is that? It's a pet store.
Haven't you ever been in a pet store? - No.
What have you been doing? For one thing, I've been avoiding pet stores.
- Hey, Carl.
- Hello, Mrs.
Teeger.
Hey.
I wanna talk to you about this fish.
Is there anything special? Anything unusual about him I should know? Like what? Is he sick? - He looks okay to me.
- No, no, I mean, - is he valuable? - He's just a marble fish, Mrs.
Teeger.
We sell them for 99 cents.
We got about a thousand of them.
- If you'd like your money back.
.
- No, Carl, I'm not returning him.
Is there any reason why someone might want this particular fish? I mean, really, really want him? Uh, well, he's sorta pretty.
And he's got a thin, black stripe on his dorsal fin Mr.
Monk, what do you think? Mr.
Monk? Look at this guy.
He's eating out of two trays at one time.
He's keeping them even.
They're perfectly even.
Yeah, it's sergeant pepper.
Hey, you want him? You can have him for free.
We can't get rid of him.
Customers keep bringing him back.
How come? Mm, he's depressing, he doesn't talk, he just mopes around, cleaning himself, straightening up his cage.
His cage always has to be perfect.
- What's wrong with him? - His wife died.
Yeah.
That's right.
We had a female in there with him.
She died about a year ago.
He hasn't been the same ever since.
Well, why don't you put another female in there? - It won't work.
He'll never feel the same way about anybody else.
Yeah, that's right.
We tried it, but I'm afraid sergeant pepper's just gonna grow old and die alone in his little cage.
So what was her name? Trudy.
It's a goldfish.
Well, technically, it's a crimson marble fish.
Is it extinct? If it was extinct, we wouldn't be looking at it, would we? Is it rare? Valuable? - Costs about a dollar.
Any pet store has a hundred of them.
I don't know.
He brought a fishing net into the house.
And he turned on the light over the aquarium.
Well, does anybody have any ideas? Maybe it swallowed something.
Like, a diamond.
Does anybody besides Randy have any ideas? Monk, come here.
Look, how's it going? I've been worried about you.
No, uh, I've been worried about me, too.
How are those interviews going? Did you find anybody? I've narrowed it down.
To nobody.
Whatever happened with your wife's niece? The one who's the nurse? - She never called me.
- Yeah, I know.
Um here's the thing, Monk.
- I love her.
- I understand.
Captain! We IDed the intruder that, uh, miss teeger killed.
Brian Lemmon.
Minor league creep.
- Does that ring a bell? - Nah, never heard of him.
One, two, three five falls.
Couple of B&E's and receiving stolen property.
Was there an address book or anything in his wallet? - No wallet, no keys.
- This is, uh, all we found.
- It was in his back pocket.
- "2:30 Sea of Tranquility.
" - What is that? A club? - No, I don't think so.
Who'd want to go to a club called the Sea of Tranquility? Besides you.
I think it's some kind of spa or holistic retreat No, it's not a spa? It's an exhibit at the science museum.
My kid went there last week on a field trip.
Mitch wanted to be an astronaut.
That was his dream.
Three days after his plane went down, he got a registered letter from NASA.
He'd been accepted into their training program.
- It hurts, I know.
- Life goes on.
Doesn't it? Hello! I'm a white corpuscle! I'm an important part of your body's defense system.
I travel through your bloodstream and I fight bacteria and diseases.
Would you like to know more about me? No.
I'd like to know less about you.
They weren't big on dental hygiene, were they? - Natalie.
- Hm? This man didn't freeze to death.
He was murdered.
There's a puncture wound in the side of his skull.
It was over 30,000 years ago.
Well, there's no statute of limitations on murder.
I think I know what happened.
Detective Monk, why don't we solve my case first? Then we'll come back here later and figure out who killed Og, okay? Welcome to the Sea of Tranquility, where, on July 20th, 1969, commander Neil Armstrong took one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.
Those of us that are old enough to have seen it will never forget it.
Now, over here is the highlight of our exhibit.
This is an actual moon rock that was brought back by the crew of Apollo 11.
There are only 234 moon rocks that were brought back to planet Earth.
And we've cut a little hole here in the side of the exhibit so that you can reach in with your fingers and touch it if you want to.
That's the guy.
- Who, the tour guide? - He's the meter reader.
That's the guy that was in my house.
This is called a plasma sphere.
And inside the sphere, there are millions of ions reacting to the electrical charge to create what? - You said the meter man had black hair.
- He must've been wearing a wig.
But that's the guy.
I work in a bar.
I'm good with faces.
Maybe we should say something.
See how he reacts.
No, if he is the guy, we don't want him to know we know.
- Okay.
- Let's go.
Welcome to the Miracle of Birth.
Sexual reproduction is the fertilization of the female egg We're gonna step carefully through this opening into the womb, and then we're gonna take a left up the fallopian tubes.
Here we go.
Do it carefully.
That's it.
Turn sideways if you have to.
Now you're in the womb.
Go left up the fallopian tubes.
There we go.
Welcome to the Miracle of Birth.
Oh, no.
No, no.
Detective Monk, hurry up.
He's getting away! You are standing in the uterus Hurry! What are you doing? Wait.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, listen.
Maybe I should've mentioned this earlier, but I, see, the thing is, I have a number of phobias.
- You? No.
- Oh, yes.
Yes, and one of them, near the top of the list, actually, is the miracle of birth.
You're gonna be okay.
Just take my hand.
Okay, fetus ahead! Oh, no! Ooh, I can't go up there.
Ah, I, I don't even know this woman.
Okay, but we're gonna lose him! - Pretend you're in a funhouse! - Funhouse, no.
What's fun about fallopian tubes? I can't, I gotta I can't now.
Okay, you know what, just forget it, okay? - We're outta here.
- Okay.
No, no, no.
We have to go through the pelvis.
I think this is gonna be a cesarean.
Here he is.
Lyle Peck, tour guide.
Okay, all right.
I will have the captain run a check on him.
I can't believe you freaked out like that.
Human sexuality is a natural thing.
Well, we disagree about that.
Are you hungry? Here you go.
You bought this kit in the gift shop at the museum? Uh-huh.
Was the box open when you bought it? Maybe, I don't know.
You think they're after something from the kit? Well, Peck works at the museum.
He might've stashed something in the box, and now he's trying to get it back.
Honey, when you bought this, did you give them your name? I might've signed a mailing list.
What exactly was in the kit? Um, a rock, a treasure chest, a deep sea diver, and some gravel.
- Look in the treasure chest.
- Nah, nothing.
- What about the gravel? - I don't see it.
I'd like to take this whole aquarium back to the lab.
- Okay.
Oh, wait, you know what, you can't.
Uh, there's a science fair at Julie's school tonight.
- This is her project.
- Not anymore.
- What do you mean? - Mr.
Franklin disqualified me.
He disqualified you? Mr.
Franklin, I'm Natalie Teeger.
I'm Julie's mother.
Oh, yes.
I remember you from parents' night.
Excuse the mess.
We've been making volcanoes.
Did you tell Julie that she couldn't bring her fish to the science fair? Yes.
I did.
Mrs.
Teeger, sit, please.
Or stand.
That's fine.
Mrs.
Teeger, you need to understand I teach science, not science fiction.
I can't approve a project if a student is just making things up.
Are you saying Julie is lying? I don't know what to say.
I've seen Julie's fish.
It's an ordinary crimson marble fish.
She said she's had it since she was five.
- Yeah, that's right.
- That's impossible.
A marble fish lives a year, year and a half at most.
Either Julie's mistaken, or she's trying to pull a fast one.
Either way, I have an obligation to my other students.
What are you doing? - Well, I was not happy about the way - Okay, you know, it doesn't matter.
What do you call a guy who studies fish? - An ichthyologist.
- That's what you are.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
I really don't think I am.
- Yeah, for the next five minutes, you are.
I need you to tell Julie's teacher that a marble fish can live longer than two years, okay? Wait a minute, what? Wait, Natalie.
Wait a second.
Wait.
Here's the thing.
Uh, I can't lie.
Uh, I'm not good at it.
I got lucky with that Tic-tac thing.
- Are you a man? - Am I - Are you a man? - Yes.
Then you can lie.
That's what men do.
Mr.
Franklin? Uh, when Julie told me about your problem, I called Berkeley and talked to the science department, and found my own expert.
This is professor Larry Tilburn.
He was kind enough to meet me here this morning.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- He's an ick icky - Ichthyologist.
Ichthyologist.
He's world renowned.
Has written just a page-turner of a book on fresh water fish.
- Really? What's it called? - Fresh water fish, by Larry Tilburn.
- Great title.
I tried to read it, and just forget it.
Professor? Professor Tilburn? Professor Tilburn.
Mr.
Franklin here doesn't think that Julie's fish you know the one that I showed you, could live longer than a year or two.
What do you think? - I think it can.
- I don't see how.
It's a common variety marble fish.
Has a miniscule genome size and almost no immune system.
Let's go.
Let's get outta here.
That's true.
That's true about most marble fish.
But this is a completely different species.
This is the north korean marble fish.
North korean? It's a very strong fish.
It's a very tough fish.
Would have to be to live in a country like, uh - North korea.
- Right.
This fish could live for oh, my god, three or four years.
Four and a half or five.
Or six.
Or six, six, that's it.
- Six years.
- I'd like to read your book.
What did you say your name was? Tilburn.
Larry - T, I, L, B, U, R, N? - Okay, okay, okay, okay! Truth is, it's not the same fish.
- Yes, it is.
Sure it is.
- Let it go.
I've replaced it every year.
Julie's dad gave it to her before he died.
I don't have the heart to tell her the truth.
It's all that she has left of him.
So, Mr.
Franklin, if you wanna call that little girl and tell her that the fish that she's been talking to and praying to for the last six years is dead then, you know what, go ahead! I'll dial it for you.
Okay, okay.
I didn't know.
She can bring the fish to the science fair.
If you like, I'll even swing by your house later and pick up the aquarium.
- Thank you.
- But I can't give her an award.
Mr.
Franklin, she doesn't need an award.
She just needs to make it through middle school without falling apart.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.
You really are the worst liar in the whole world.
I tried to tell you that.
An honest man.
Who'd have thunk it? Come on, Larry.
I'll take you home.
Just be a minute.
I have to pick up my check.
It's a nice place.
It's a toilet.
- Uh, wouldn't exactly call it a toilet.
- Um, have a seat.
- Where? Well, there's a lot of chairs.
Take your pick.
How about that one? Or that one? Natalie, so I've been thinking.
Uh, if you, if you really hate it here.
I mean, if you're really not happy, if you really hate it here I am looking for a new assistant.
Thank you, Adrian.
I appreciate that.
But I'm not the "girl friday" type.
Yeah, I understand.
I couldn't work for me, either.
To tell you the truth, I don't know how, how Sharona lasted as long as she did.
Hey, Clem, I need to pick up my paycheck.
- Yeah, right here.
Actually, I was just about to call you.
Carly just walked.
I need you to fill in tonight.
Yeah, I can't help you.
There's a science fair at my kid's school.
Well, I got a kid, too, but I'm here.
- Your kid's in jail, Clem.
- You think that's funny, huh? You know, Teeger, I'm getting pretty tired of your attitude.
All right, the last time I asked you to help me out here, you bailed on me.
Are you talking about yesterday? Sorry I couldn't be here, Clem.
I was watching the cops carry a body out of my house.
Yeah.
I heard about that.
Well, I guess you did what you had to do.
- Yeah.
And that's exactly what I'm doing right now.
I got a business to run, Teeger.
So you wanna see more of these or not? - Fine.
I'll be here.
- Good.
Where are you? Ready? - Natalie.
I know what they're after.
- You do? - Where's Julie? Where, where's Julie? This is my fire extinguisher.
I invented it myself using an oxygen tank, some compressed air, and an ordinary garden hose.
- Where is she? - I don't know.
I don't know.
- Oh, Stacy.
Have you seen Julie? - I think she's over there.
Captain, thank you for coming.
Okay, fill me in.
I know what they've been after.
Look.
- The moonrock? - It's the most valuable rock in the world.
It's more valuable than any diamond.
A rock half this size was sold in Japan for $2 million.
Okay.
- Well, I knew that I had seen that rock before somewhere.
It was in Julie Teeger's aquarium.
It was right in front of us the whole time.
Here's what happened.
There's a tour guide at the museum named Peck.
Lyle Peck.
Last weekend, he stole the moonrock.
It was probably Sunday night after they closed.
He waited until the guards were distracted or between shifts.
Peck has worked there for years.
He's practically a fixture, so he definitely knew the routine.
Why didn't the museum report it? The museum never missed it.
They didn't know it was stolen.
They still don't.
Peck replaced it with an exact duplicate.
Wait, you mean this is just a regular rock? Son of a bitch, I stood in line for half an hour just to touch this stupid thing.
Right.
But Peck had a problem.
He still had to get the moonrock out of the building.
They were searching everybody.
Even the employees.
So since there was no way for him to get it through security, he had to improvise.
He hid the rock in the gift shop.
Inside one of those aquarium kits.
Then he marked the box.
He probably planned to have his accomplice, Brian Lemmon, pick it up the next morning.
But the girl got there first.
Exactly, Julie Teeger bought it that morning and took it home.
The next day Peck tried to steal it, posing as a meter reader.
When that didn't work, Brian Lemmon broke in.
But he didn't count on Natalie waking up or that pair of scissors.
- What? - You're back.
- Natalie.
- This is Mr.
Henry.
- We gotta grab that rock.
- Mr.
Henry is a marble fish.
And most marble fish only live for about a year.
But Mr.
Henry is six years old, and he's still as frisky as ever.
And that is thanks to my special diet of ground-up vitamins, rice crispies, and cucumbers.
Fire! It's on fire! All right, everybody stay calm.
No running.
Stay calm.
Here use this.
It's a fire extinguisher.
Thanks, kid.
- What's in this? - Turpentine.
He stole my fish! - Hey! - Peck! Oh, god.
I got him.
Peck! Don't move.
On your face.
Look out, I got a fish here! Coming through, flapping around! Flapping fish here! Oh, Monk! Monk.
- Get him.
- Get him.
Hurry, hurry.
Look out! Coming through.
Coming through.
You saved him.
Pretty crazy day, huh? Think you'll be able to sleep? Yeah, I think so.
How's Mr.
Henry? Oh, he's fine.
He's a very brave fish.
Mr.
Monk saved his life.
You know that moonrock is worth over two million bucks? But when Mr.
Henry was in trouble, Mr.
Monk forgot all about that moonrock.
All he cared about was saving Mr.
Henry.
I could only think of one other man in the whole world who would have done something like that.
- Daddy? - Daddy.
- I love you, angel.
- Love you, too.
- Okay, good night.
- Good night.
Oh, sleep well.
Mr.
Monk, it's Natalie Teeger.
Yeah, I was calling to see if you still needed the assistant.
No, I can't come tonight.
Because I can't leave my daughter.
Okay, okay, okay, just relax.
How big is the spider?