Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s03e10 Episode Script
E. Henry Thripshaw's Disease
1 MORNING, SIR, CAN I HELP YOU? OH, YES, I WONDERED IF YOU HAVE ANY PART-TIME VACANCIES ON YOUR BOOKS.
PART-TIME, I'LL HAVE A LOOK, SIR.
SEE WE'VE GOT, UH AH, YES.
SIR WALTER RALEIGH IS EQUIPPING ANOTHER EXPEDITION TO VIRGINIA.
HE NEEDS TRADERS AND SAILORS.
VITTLERS NEEDED AT THE COUR OF PHILIP OF SPAIN.
OH, YEAH, AND THEY WAN MASTER JOINERS AND CRAFTSMEN FOR THE BUILDING OF THE GLOBE THEATER.
I SEE, HAVEN'T YOU GO ANYTHING A BIT MORE MODERN? YOU KNOW, LIKE A JOB ON THE BUSES OR DIGGING THE UNDERGROUND? WELL, NO, WE ONLY HAVE TUDOR JOBS.
THAT CAN'T BE VERY PROFITABLE, CAN IT? WELL, YOU'D BE SURPRISED, ACTUALLY, SIR.
THE TUDOR ECONOMY'S BOOMING EVER SINCE SIR HUMPHREY GILBER OPENED UP THE NORTHWEST PASSAGE TO CATHAY AND THE CABOTS' EXPANSION IN CANADA THERE'S BEEN A TREMENDOUS SURGE IN EXPORTS AND TRADE WITH THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE IS GOING NO, QUITE RIGHT, IT'S NO GOOD AT ALL.
WHAT? IT'S A DEAD LOSS.
WE HAVEN'T PUT ANYONE IN A JOB SINCE 1625.
I SEE.
THAT'S ALL? WHAT? THAT'S ALL YOU SAY? YES.
NO, NO, WE WERE THE TOPS THEN.
DRAKE GOT ALL HIS SAILORS HERE.
ELIZABETH, WE SUPPLIED THE ARCHBISHOPS FOR HER CORONATION.
SHAKESPEARE STARTED OFF FROM HERE AS A TEMP.
THEN CAME JAMES I AND THE BOTTOM FELL OU OF THE TUDOR JOBS.
1603 800 VACANCIES FILLED.
1604 4O.
1605 NONE.
1606 NONE.
THE REST OF THE STUART PERIOD NOTHING.
HANOVERIANS NOTHING.
VICTORIANS NOTHING.
SAXE-COBURGS NOTHING.
WINDSORS WHAT DID YOU WANT? DIRTY BOOKS, PLEASE.
RIGHT.
SIR, SORRY ABOU THE TUDOR BIT.
BUT YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL, YOU KNOW? HAVE YOU GO ANYTHING A BIT, UH? STRONGER? HOLD ON.
MY LORD OF WARWICK! Man: 'ALLO! RAISE HIGH THE DRAWBRIDGE.
GLOUCESTER'S TROOPS APPROACH.
RIGHT! CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL, YOU KNOW, SIR.
(whistling) THERE'S BRIDGET, QUEEN OF THE WHIP.
YES OR THERE'S NAUGHTY NORA.
NO OR THERE'S THIS ONE: DOUG, BOB AND GORDON VISIT THE ARK ROYAL.
(laughter) OR THERE'S SISTER TERESA, THE SPANKING NUN.
YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING SPECIFICALLY ABOUT DEVON AND CORNWALL? NO, I'M AFRAID NOT, SIR.
THE ONE I WAS REALLY AFTER WAS ARTHUR HOTCHKISS' DEVONSHIRE COUNTRY CHURCHES.
WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS, SIR BUM BITERS? (audience laughter) NO, NOT REALLY.
AND I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'VE GO ANY GENERAL SURVEYS OF IT'S NOT REALLY OUR LINE, SIR.
NO, I SEE, WELL, NEVER MIND.
I'LL JUST TAKE THE LORD LIEUTENANT IN NYLONS THEN AND I'LL TRADE IN THESE TWO COPIES OF PIGGIE PARADE.
RIGHT, SIR.
Man: MY LORD OF WARWICK! 'ALLO? RAISE HIGH THE DRAWBRIDGE.
GLOUCESTER'S TROOPS APPROACH! RIGHT! JUST THESE, THEN.
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS A RAID.
MY NAME IS SUPERINTENDENT GASKELL AND THIS IS SERGEANT MADDOX.
SIR PHILLIP SIDNEY, 'TIS GOOD TO SEE THEE ON THESE SHORES AGAIN.
SHUT UP.
YOUR SUIT IS FAIR AND GOODLY CUT.
WAS'T FROM ANTWERP? SHUT UP.
IT'S A DISGUISE.
RIGHT! CONFISCATE THE SMUTTY BOOKS, MADDOX.
SIR PHILLIP, PRITHEE NAY! LISTEN, MATE DON'T COME THA PHILLIP SIDNEY BIT WITH ME.
I'M NOT A BLOODY TUDOR AT ALL.
I'M GASKELL OF THE VICE SQUAD AND THIS IS SERGEANT MADDOX.
(laughter) MADDOX?! WHERE'S HE GONE? SIR PHILLIP, PRITHEE REST AWHILE.
LOOK, THIS IS THE LAST TIME I'M WARNING YOU.
I'M NOT SIR PHILLIP BLEEDING SIDNEY.
I AM SUPERINTENDEN HAROLD GASKELL AND THIS IS A RAID.
THAT'LL BE 540 QUID, SIR.
(laughter) OH, I'LL JUST HAVE THIS ONE THEN.
MADDOX! LOOK, THIS IS A RAID HONESTLY.
I PROMISE YOU.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I'M GOING HOME.
RIGHT.
WELL, I'LL REMEMBER YOU.
DON'T YOU WORRY, I'LL REMEMBER YOU.
PRAY, GOOD SIR PHILLIP DON'T YOU START.
MADDOX! LISTEN, I CAN PROVE TO YOU I'M A POLICEMAN.
I'LL GIVE THE NAMES OF ALL THE MEN DOWN IN "F" DIVISION AT ACTON.
INSPECTOR ARTHUR PERRY SUPERINTENDENT CHARLES FRODWELL, MY BEST FRIEND POLICE DOGS BUTCH, WOLF, PANTHER, MAUDLING.
HOW WOULD I KNOW THOSE NAMES IF I WAS SIR PHILLIP SIDNEY? VICAR, VICAR, YOU KNOW ME.
THE GARGOYLE CLUB.
I GOT YOU OFF THE CHARGE.
FAREWELL, GOOD SIR PHILLIP.
HEY, STOP! MADDOX! YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS, YOU PORN MERCHANT! BLIMEY! MADDOX? MADDOX! OH, GOOD SIR, HOW GLAD I AM TO SEE THEE COME.
FORGIVE ME WEEPING, BUT MY LOVE HAS GONE.
UH, LISTEN, MY NAME IS GASKELL SUPERINTENDENT GASKELL OF VICE SQUAD.
MYSELF AND SERGEANT MADDOX ARE ON A RAID.
WE ARE NOT TUDOR PEOPLE.
WE ARE THE POLICE.
FRANCES, WHAT IDLENESS IS THIS? WHY, GOOD SIR PHILLIP SIDNEY! WHAT HAST THOU HERE? YOU ARE SIR PHILLIP SIDNEY? (laughter) POSSIBLY BUT I MAY BE SUPERINTENDENT GASKELL OF THE VICE SQUAD.
AH, GOOD, SIR PHILLIP THY SHARP-TONGUED WI HAS NOT DESERTED THEE.
COME, LET US EAT AND DRINK.
STAY WITH US AWHILE.
ALL RIGHT, SIR, I THINK I WILL.
(Elizabethan music playing) (all laughing) THEN THEN DID WE BUS THE HARRY TONY MOB WHO DID SEEK TO IMPOR SCANDINAVIAN FILTH VIA GERMANY.
FOR SIX YEARS THEY CLEANED UP A PACKET.
THE DAY I GOT WHIFF OF THEM THROUGH A SQUEALER DID, WITHIN A WEEK, A MOP-UP RIGHT GOOD.
THEY'RE NOW LANGUISHING DOING FIVE YEARS' BIRD IN PARKHURST.
(all laugh) SIR PHILLIP! THE SPANIARDS HAVE LANDED IN THE NETHERLANDS.
MY LORD WALSINGHAM NEEDS YOU THERE FORTHWITH.
Gaskell: LET'S GO.
All: GOOD LUCK, SIR PHILLIP! FIGHT AGAINST FILTH! WHERE ARE THE SPANIARDS? DOWN BELOW, SIR PHILLIP.
THEIR FIRST BOATS ARE LANDING EVEN NOW.
RIGHT, YOU STAY HERE, I'LL GO AND GET THEM.
SIR PHILLIP, NOT ALONE! 'ALLO, 'ALLO! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? (with Spanish accent): IS NOTHING, SENOR, IS JUST SOME LITERATURE.
(laughter) I KNOW WHAT LITERATURE IS, YOU DAGO DUSTBIN.
I ALSO KNOW WHAT PORN IS.
WHAT'S THIS THEN, EH? IS ONE OF LOPE DE VEGA'S LATEST PLAYS, SENOR.
TOLEDO TIT PARADE? WHAT KIND OF A PLAY IS THAT? IS VERY VISUAL, SENOR.
RIGHT, I'M TAKING THIS LOT IN IN THE NAME OF HER GRACIOUS MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH.
OH, BUT SENOR.
DON'T GIVE ME ANY TROUBLE.
JUST PILE UP THESE BASKETS OF FILTH AND COME WITH ME.
NO! Narrator: THE BATTLE RAGED LONG AND HARD BUT AS NIGHT FELL, SIDNEY OVERCAME THE SPANIARDS.
6,000 COPIES OF TITS AND BUMS AND 4,000 COPIES OF SHOWER SHEILA WERE SEIZED THAT DAY.
THE TIDE OF SPANISH PORN WAS STEMMED.
SIR PHILLIP SIDNEY RETURNED TO LONDON IN TRIUMPH.
COVERED IN GLORY SIR PHILLIP RODE HOME TO PENSHURS TO SEE HIS BELOVED WIFE.
BUT ALL WAS NOT WELL.
GOOD EVENING ALL, MY LOVE.
I HAVE RETURNED SAFE FROM THE LOW COUNTRIES.
(whistling) WHAT ART THOU READING, FAIR ONE? OH, IT IS NOTHING, HUSBAND.
I CAN SEE 'TIS SOMETHING.
UH 'TIS ONE OF SHAKESPEARE'S LATEST WORKS.
OH GAY BOYS IN BONDAGE.
(laughter) WHAT, IS'T TRAGEDY? COMEDY? UH 'TIS, UH 'TIS A STORY OF A A MAN'S GREAT LOVE FOR HIS FELLOW MEN.
HOW FORTUNATE WE ARE INDEED TO HAVE SUCH A POE ON THESE SHORES.
INDEED.
HOW WAS THE WAR, MY LORD? THE SPANIARDS WERE DEFEATED THRICE.
SIX DOZEN CHESTS OF HARD-CORE CAPTURED.
HAST BROUGHT HOME ANY SPOILS OF WAR? YES, GOOD MY WIFE.
THIS FAIR COA TRIMMED WITH ERMINE.
OH, LOVELY.
NOWT ELSE? NO, NO, FAIR LADY, THE REST WAS TOO SMUTTY.
NOW, MY GOOD WIFE, WHILE I REST, READ TO ME A WHILE FROM SHAKESPEARE'S GAY BOYS IN BONDAGE.
UH YES, MY LORD.
GAY BOYS IN BONDAGE.
(clears throat) "KEN, 25, IS A MOUNTED POLICEMAN WITH A DIFFERENCE "AND, WHAT A DIFFERENCE! "EVEN ROGER IS SURPRISED "AND HE'S HE'S USED TO REAL MEN.
'TIS LIKE HAMLET.
WHAT A GENIUS! "BUT WHO IS GOING TO DO THE COOKING TONIGHT? RODDY'S GOT A MOUTHFUL" ALL RIGHT! THIS IS A RAID.
OH, WE ARE DISGRACED.
THERE YOU ARE, MADDOX.
CUT THE CHA AND GET IN THE VAN.
MADDOX, YOU RECOGNIZE ME.
INDEED I DO, SIR PHILLIP SIDNEY AND SAD I AM TO SEE YOU CAUGHT UP IN THIS MORASS OF FILTH.
OOH, THAT'S A LONG ONE.
OH, OH, THE GLORIOUS NAME OF SIDNEY IS BESMIRCHED.
ALL IS LOST, OH, ALAS THE DAY! SHUT UP! I KNOW THIS MAN.
IT'S ME OLD MATE, SERGEANT MADDOX.
YOU'LL DO TIME FOR THIS.
OH, MADDOX, IT'S ME, GASKELL "F" DIVISION DOWN AT ACTON.
INSPECTOR ARTHUR FRODWELL COME ON, SIDNEY.
AND YOU, MISS.
I'M NOT SIR PHILLIP BLEEDING SIDNEY.
WHERE WERE YOU? WE COULD HAVE MOPPED UP THAT TUDOR SHOP.
OOH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
IT'S ME, IT'S GASKELL.
YES, I'LL EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU WHEN I GET BACK AT THE STATION THAT YOU'VE GO THE WRONG MAN! (audience laughter) (Renaissance music playing) PRITHEE, WHAT IS' THAT HERE I HOLD? IF IS'T BE BRIAN'S, THAN TO FIGHT I GO.
BUT, NO.
ALAS, IF FORTUNE DOTH PERCEIVE, I AM UNDONE.
NO, CYRIL MUST NOT KNOW.
BUT NO, YES, NO AH, AH, AH, RESOLVED.
BUT, HARK, SOMEONE APPROACHING.
TAKE HEED, MY LORD KEVIN AND BRUCE ARE HERE.
(scream) (bubbling) (playing chords) IT'S SO NICE HERE, ISN'T IT, DARLING? OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S IT'S PARIS ALL OVER AGAIN.
EXCUSE ME, DO YOU MIND IF I JOIN YOU? UH NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T MIND? UH, YES, YES, ABSOLUTELY.
YOU'RE SURE I WON' BE DISTURBING YOU? NO, NO.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY SURE I WON'T BE DISTURBING YOU? NO, NO, REALLY.
GOOD, BECAUSE I DON' WANT TO DISTURB YOU.
I'M SORRY? I DON'T WANT TO DISTURB YOU ESPECIALLY AS YOU'RE BEING SO KIND ABOUT ME NOT DISTURBING YOU.
WE DON'T MIND, DO WE, DARLING? NO, NO, DARLING.
GOOD, SO I CAN GO AHEAD AND JOIN YOU THEN, CAN I? YES, YES.
YES, PLEASE.
WON'T BE DISTURBING? NO, NO.
NO, NO, NO.
GOOD, GOOD, YOU'RE VERY KIND.
A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE FAR LESS UNDERSTANDING THAN YOU ARE.
A LOT OF PEOPLE TAKE OFFENSE WHILE I EVEN TALK TO THEM LET ALONE WHEN I SPECIFICALLY TELL THEM ABOUT MY BEING DISTURBING.
(laughter) WELL, IT'S NO PARTICULARLY DISTURBING.
NO, ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY.
THAT'S WHA I ALWAYS SAY.
BUT YOU'D BE AMAZED YOU'D BE AMAZED AT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO REALLY DON'T WANT ME.
(in high voice): TOO-TOO, TOO-TOO-TOO TOO-TOO-TOO, TOO-TOO-TOO TOO, TOO, TOO, TOO TOO-TOO, TOO-TOO-TOO, TOO.
TOO-TOO, TOO-TOO-TOO I MEAN, EVEN DOING THIS GETS PEOPLE LOOKING AT ME IN THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY WAY.
(continues singing) VICAR, WE MUST BE GETTING ON.
I KNEW I'D DISTURB YOU, I KNEW I'D DISTURB YOU.
IT ALWAYS HAPPENS.
(sobbing): WHENEVER I'VE FOUND SOMEONE I REALLY THINK I'M GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET ON WITH NO, THE THING IS, WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE DARLING, COME ON, LET'S STAY.
WELL, JUS A LITTLE BIT.
I MEAN, WE WILL BE LATE IF WE DON'T OH, THANK YOU, YOU'RE VERY KIND.
TOO-TOO, TOO-TOO-TOO TOO-TOO-TOO, TOO-TOO-TOO TOO, TOO, TOO, TOO Both: TOO-TOO, TOO-TOO-TOO Woman: AS IT TURNED OU OUR CHANCE MEETING WITH THE REVEREND ARTHUR BELLING WAS TO CHANGE OUR WHOLE WAY OF LIFE AND EVERY SUNDAY WE'D HURRYALONG TO ST.
LOONY UP THE CREAM BUN AND JAM Congregation: TOO-TOO, TOO-TOO-TOO TOO-TOO-TOO, TOO-TOO-TOO TOO, TOO, TOO, TOO (plates breaking, explosion) (playing chords) (laughter) AND NOW IT'S (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUSESES.
(music ends with fart) (squeaks, gunshot) (bleats, gunshot) (squawks, gunshot) (meows, gunshot) (gunfire continues) (splashing) Man: RIGHT, SIR, ONE SAFARI SNOWBALL.
THAT COMES TO £1,361.
48 AND WE'LL THROW THE NUDE MAN IN FOR FREE.
(cash register rings) ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN, LAST ORDERS, PLEASE.
OH, DO YOU WANT A DRINK BEFORE THEY CLOSE? NO, I WANT A KISS.
OH, GOODY.
(splatting, smooching) Narrator: AND SO THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
BUT NOW (chamber music plays) THE "FREE REPETITION OF DOUBTFUL WORDS SKIT, SPOOF, JAPE, OR VIGNETTE" BY A VERY UNDERRATED WRITER.
I HAVE COME FOR SOME FREE REPETITION OF DOUBTFUL WORDS ON AN INLAND TELEGRAM.
HAVE YOU THE TELEGRAM IN QUESTION? I HAVE THE VERY THING HERE.
WELL, SLIP IT TO ME, MY GOOD CHAP AND LET ME EYE THE CONTENTS.
AT ONCE, MR.
TELEGRAM ENQUIRY MAN.
THANK YOU, MR.
CUSTOMER MAN.
HA-HO! "PARLING, I GLOVE YOU.
"CLEASE CLOME AT BRONCE.
YOUR TROVING SWIFE, PAT.
" WHICH WAS THE WORD YOU WANTED CHECKING? "PAT.
" "PAT"? MY WIFE'S NAME IS NOT PAT AT ALL.
NO? IT'S BA WITH A "B.
" AND THEREFORE I WILL TAKE A QUICK LOOK IN THE BOOK.
RIPPING.
YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT, OLD COCK.
THERE HAS BEEN A MISTAKE.
I THOUGHT AS MUCH.
WHAT REALLY DOES IT SAY? IT SAY, "GO AWAY, YOU SILLY LITTLE BLEEDER "I AM HAVING ANOTHER MAN.
LOVE, BAT.
" QUITE SOME ERROR.
YES, SHE WOULDN' CALL HERSELF PAT.
IT'S SILLY.
DAFT, I CALL IT.
WELL, IT HAS BEEN A PLEASURE WORKING WITH YOU.
FOR ME, ALSO, IT HAS BEEN A PLEASURE.
AND THAT CONCLUDES OUR LITTLE SKIT.
(chamber music plays) THE "FREE REPETITION OF DOUBTFUL WORDS THING" BYA JUSTLY UNDERRATED WRITER.
THE END.
(laughter) GOOD EVENING, TONIGHT ON IS THERE? WE EXAMINE THE QUESTION, "IS THERE A LIFE AFTER DEATH?" AND HERE TO DISCUSS I ARE THREE DEAD PEOPLE (laughter) THE LATE SIR BRIAN HARDAKER FORMER CURATOR OF THE IMPERIAL WAR MUSEUM THE LATE PROFESSOR THYNNE UNTIL RECENTLY AN ACADEMIC CRITIC AND BROADCASTER AND PUTTING THE POINT OF VIEW OF THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND THE VERY LATE PREBENDARY REVEREND ROSS.
GENTLEMEN, IS THERE A LIFE AFTER DEATH OR NOT? SIR BRIAN? (laughter) PROFESSOR? PREBENDARY? WELL, THERE WE HAVE IT THREE SAY "NO.
" ON IS THERE? NEXT WEEK, WE'LL BE DISCUSSING THE QUESTION "IS THERE ENOUGH OF IT ABOUT?" UNTIL THEN, GOOD NIGHT.
(laughter) GOOD DOCTOR MORNING.
NICE YEAR FOR THE TIME OF DAY.
COME IN.
CAN I DOWN SIT? CERTAINLY.
WELL, THEN? WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO BUSH THE DOCTOR ABOUT THE BEAT TOO LONG.
I'M GOING TO COME TO POIN THE STRAIGHT IMMEDIATELY.
GOOD, GOOD.
MY PARTICULAR PROB OR BUGLEM BEAR, I'VE HAD AGES.
FOR YEARS, I'VE HAD IT FOR DONKEYS.
WHAT? I'M UP TO HERE WITH IT.
I'M SICK TO DEATH.
I CAN'T TAKE YOU ANY LONGER SO I'VE COME TO SEE IT.
AH, NOW, THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM WITH WORDS.
THIS IS MY PROBLEM WITH WORDS.
OH, THAT SEEMS TO HAVE CLEARED IT.
OH, I COME FROM ALABAMA WITH MY BAN JO ON MY KNEE YES, THAT SEEMS TO BE ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I SEE, UH, BUT RECENTLY YOU HAVE BEEN HAVING THIS PROBLEM WITH YOUR WORD ORDER.
WELL, ABSOLUTELY, AND WHAT MAKES IT WORSE IS THAT SOMETIMES AT THE END OF A SENTENCE I'LL COME OU WITH THE WRONG FUSE BOX.
"FUSE BOX"? AND THE THING ABOU SAYING THE WRONG WORD IS THAT "A," I DON'T NOTICE I AND "B," SOMETIMES ORANGE WATER GIVEN BUCKET OF PLASTER.
(laughter) YES, TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM.
WELL, AS I SAY, YOU'D JUST BE TALKING AND OUT'LL PUDENDA THE WRONG WORD AND ASHTRAY'S YOUR UNCLE.
I'M AWFULLY STRAWBERRY ABOUT IT.
UPSET? IT'S SO EMBARRASSING WHEN MY WIFE AND I GO TO AN ORGY.
A PARTY? NO, AN ORGY.
WE LIVE IN ESHER.
QUITE.
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
IT'S SUCH A BLOODY WHACK THE DIDDLE-O FAL-DI-RAL, FA-DI-DA, LO-DI-DO-DI-DO-FUM-FUM.
MR.
BURROWS, THIS IS NO COMMON PROBLEM.
YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM A DISEASE SO RARE THAT IT HASN'T GO A NAME NOT YET.
BUT IT WILL HAVE, OH, YES! THIS IS THE OPPORTUNITY I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME! I'LL SHOW THEM A THE ROYAL COLLEGE OF SURGEONS.
I'LL MAKE THEM SIT UP AND TAKE NOTICE.
THRIPSHAW'S DISEASE! DISCOVERED BY E.
HENRY THRIPSHAW, M.
D.
I'LL BE INVITED ON CALL MY BLUFF, AND THE MERCHANDISING THERE'LL BE E.
HENRY THRIPSHAW T-SHIRTS! I'LL TURN IT INTO A GAME! I'LL SELL THE FILM RIGHTS! (Prokofiev's "Battle on the Ice" plays) THAT CLIP COMES FROM THE NEW DAVID O.
SELTZER FILM.
THE AUTHOR OF THAT FILM CLIP IS WITH ME NOW.
DR.
E.
HENRY THRIPSHAW.
WELL, I FEEL THAT THEY'VE MISSED THE WHOLE POINT OF MY DISEASE.
THIS IS ALWAYS THE PROBLEM WITH DIRECTORS OF FILM CLIPS.
YES, WELL, YOU SEE THEY'VE DRAGGED IN ALL THIS IRRELEVANT MUSH.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW? WELL, AT THE PRESENT MOMENT, I'M WORKING ON A NEW DISEASE WHICH I HOPE TO TURN INTO A MUSICAL (laughter) BUT PRIMARILY, WE ARE WORKING ON A REMAKE OF MY FIRST DISEASE AND THIS TIME WE'RE HOPING TO DO IT PROPERLY.
WELL LET'S JUST TAKE A LOOK AT THIS NEW FILM CLIP.
(Prokofiev's "Battle on the Ice" plays) WELL, NOW, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE MATTER? (laughter) THE NEXT SKETCH FOLLOWS AFTER SOME SILLY NOISES.
(humming through lips, mechanical bird cuckooing, tapping, man squawking) (bells tolling, plates breaking) (light laughter) COME IN.
I WONDERED IF I COULD HAVE A WORD WITH YOU FOR A MOMENT.
BY ALL MEANS, BY ALL MEANS, SIR.
DO SIT DOWN.
UH SIT ON THE DESK HERE.
OH, THANK YOU.
NOW THEN, GLASS OF SHERRY? NO, THANK YOU.
ARE YOU SURE? I'M GOING TO HAVE SOME.
WELL, IF YOU'RE HAVING SOME YES, THEN PERHAPS, VICAR.
OH, THERE'S ONLY JUST ENOUGH FOR ME.
(laughter) WELL, IN THAT CASE I WON'T, DON'T WORRY.
YOU SEE, IF I SPLI WHAT'S LEF WELL, THERE'D HARDLY BE ANY LEFT FOR ME AT ALL.
WELL, I'M NOT A GREA SHERRY DRINKER.
GOOD, SO I CAN HAVE IT ALL.
NOW THEN, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? WELL, JUS RECENTLY I'VE BEGUN TO WORRY ABOUT OH! FOUND ANOTHER BOTTLE.
YOU CAN HAVE SOME NOW IF YOU WANT TO.
OH, WELL THEN, YES, PERHAPS A LITTLE.
OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO, I CAN DRINK THE WHOLE BOTTLE.
UM, IN THAT CASE, NO.
GOOD, THAT'S ANOTHER BOTTLE FOR ME RIGHT.
I'VE BEGUN TO WORRY RECENTLY THAT (knocking at door) COME IN! Vicar: AH, MR.
HUSBAND.
THIS IS MR.
KIRKHAM, ONE OF MY PARISHIONERS.
THIS IS MR.
HUSBAND OF THE BRITISH SHERRY CORPORATION.
LOOK, LOOK, PERHAPS I BETTER COME BACK LATER.
NO, NO, NO, DO STAY HERE.
HAVE A SHERRY.
YOU WON'T BE LONG, WILL YOU, HUSBAND? OH, NO, VICAR, JUST A QUESTION OF SIGNING A FEW FORMS.
THERE WE ARE.
THERE WE ARE, MR.
HUSBAND.
NOW, HOW ABOU YOU, MR.
KIRKHAM? WELL, ONLY IF THERE'S ENOUGH.
AH, WELL, THERE'S NOT MUCH NOW.
OH IN THAT CASE, NO, I WON'T.
GOOD.
RIGHT.
RIGHT, NOW THEN.
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM, HUSBAND? WELL, VICAR, I'VE MADE ENQUIRIES WITH OUR SHIPPERS AND THE MOST SHERRY THEY CAN SHIP IN ANY ONE LOAD IS 12,000 GALLONS.
AND HOW MANY GLASSES IS THAT? THAT'S ROUGHLY 540,000 GLASSES, VICAR.
THAT'S EXCELLENT, HUSBAND, EXCELLENT.
YES, IT MEANS YOU CAN STILL KEEP YOUR MAIN SHERRY SUPPLY ON THE ROOF, BUT YOU CAN HAVE AN EMERGENCY SUPPLY UNDERNEATH THE VESTRY, OF 5,000 GALLONS.
OR I COULD HAVE DRY SHERRY ON THE ROOF AND AMONTILLADO IN THE UNDERGROUND TANK.
ABSOLUTELY.
EXCELLEN WORK, HUSBAND EXCELLENT WORK.
NOT AT ALL, VICAR.
YOU'RE ONE OF OUR BEST CUSTOMERS YOU AND THE UNITED STATES.
(laughter) BYE-BYE, TERRIFIC.
NOW, THEN, MR.
KIRKHAM, I AM SO SORRY, DO GO ON.
WELL, IT'S JUS THAT RECENTLY I'VE BEGUN TO WORRY ABOUT WELL, LOOK, DOES THE BIBLE INTEND Men: AMONTILLADO! AMONTILLADO! AMONTILLADO! HEY, HEY, HEY! AMONTILLADO! (trilling) AMONTILLADO! FROM THE OLD LAND OF SPAIN, WE COME TO HONOR YOU ARRIBA! ARRIBA! FROM MILES AND MILES AWAY, WE SALUTE YOU.
YOU MAKE US SO, SO HAPPY IN SPAIN REVEREND TOMLINSON OLE! WHAT DID YOU WANT? DIRTY BOOKS, PLEASE.
RIGHT.
(all talking at once) (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) (music ends with fart) E.
HENRY THRIPSHAW T-SHIRTS ARE NOW AVAILABLE FROM BBC ENTERPRISES.
THE PRICE HASN' FINALLY BEEN DECIDED AND THE ADDRESS TO WRITE TO THEY HAVEN'T YE QUITE WORKED OUT.
(laughter)
PART-TIME, I'LL HAVE A LOOK, SIR.
SEE WE'VE GOT, UH AH, YES.
SIR WALTER RALEIGH IS EQUIPPING ANOTHER EXPEDITION TO VIRGINIA.
HE NEEDS TRADERS AND SAILORS.
VITTLERS NEEDED AT THE COUR OF PHILIP OF SPAIN.
OH, YEAH, AND THEY WAN MASTER JOINERS AND CRAFTSMEN FOR THE BUILDING OF THE GLOBE THEATER.
I SEE, HAVEN'T YOU GO ANYTHING A BIT MORE MODERN? YOU KNOW, LIKE A JOB ON THE BUSES OR DIGGING THE UNDERGROUND? WELL, NO, WE ONLY HAVE TUDOR JOBS.
THAT CAN'T BE VERY PROFITABLE, CAN IT? WELL, YOU'D BE SURPRISED, ACTUALLY, SIR.
THE TUDOR ECONOMY'S BOOMING EVER SINCE SIR HUMPHREY GILBER OPENED UP THE NORTHWEST PASSAGE TO CATHAY AND THE CABOTS' EXPANSION IN CANADA THERE'S BEEN A TREMENDOUS SURGE IN EXPORTS AND TRADE WITH THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE IS GOING NO, QUITE RIGHT, IT'S NO GOOD AT ALL.
WHAT? IT'S A DEAD LOSS.
WE HAVEN'T PUT ANYONE IN A JOB SINCE 1625.
I SEE.
THAT'S ALL? WHAT? THAT'S ALL YOU SAY? YES.
NO, NO, WE WERE THE TOPS THEN.
DRAKE GOT ALL HIS SAILORS HERE.
ELIZABETH, WE SUPPLIED THE ARCHBISHOPS FOR HER CORONATION.
SHAKESPEARE STARTED OFF FROM HERE AS A TEMP.
THEN CAME JAMES I AND THE BOTTOM FELL OU OF THE TUDOR JOBS.
1603 800 VACANCIES FILLED.
1604 4O.
1605 NONE.
1606 NONE.
THE REST OF THE STUART PERIOD NOTHING.
HANOVERIANS NOTHING.
VICTORIANS NOTHING.
SAXE-COBURGS NOTHING.
WINDSORS WHAT DID YOU WANT? DIRTY BOOKS, PLEASE.
RIGHT.
SIR, SORRY ABOU THE TUDOR BIT.
BUT YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL, YOU KNOW? HAVE YOU GO ANYTHING A BIT, UH? STRONGER? HOLD ON.
MY LORD OF WARWICK! Man: 'ALLO! RAISE HIGH THE DRAWBRIDGE.
GLOUCESTER'S TROOPS APPROACH.
RIGHT! CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL, YOU KNOW, SIR.
(whistling) THERE'S BRIDGET, QUEEN OF THE WHIP.
YES OR THERE'S NAUGHTY NORA.
NO OR THERE'S THIS ONE: DOUG, BOB AND GORDON VISIT THE ARK ROYAL.
(laughter) OR THERE'S SISTER TERESA, THE SPANKING NUN.
YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING SPECIFICALLY ABOUT DEVON AND CORNWALL? NO, I'M AFRAID NOT, SIR.
THE ONE I WAS REALLY AFTER WAS ARTHUR HOTCHKISS' DEVONSHIRE COUNTRY CHURCHES.
WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS, SIR BUM BITERS? (audience laughter) NO, NOT REALLY.
AND I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'VE GO ANY GENERAL SURVEYS OF IT'S NOT REALLY OUR LINE, SIR.
NO, I SEE, WELL, NEVER MIND.
I'LL JUST TAKE THE LORD LIEUTENANT IN NYLONS THEN AND I'LL TRADE IN THESE TWO COPIES OF PIGGIE PARADE.
RIGHT, SIR.
Man: MY LORD OF WARWICK! 'ALLO? RAISE HIGH THE DRAWBRIDGE.
GLOUCESTER'S TROOPS APPROACH! RIGHT! JUST THESE, THEN.
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS A RAID.
MY NAME IS SUPERINTENDENT GASKELL AND THIS IS SERGEANT MADDOX.
SIR PHILLIP SIDNEY, 'TIS GOOD TO SEE THEE ON THESE SHORES AGAIN.
SHUT UP.
YOUR SUIT IS FAIR AND GOODLY CUT.
WAS'T FROM ANTWERP? SHUT UP.
IT'S A DISGUISE.
RIGHT! CONFISCATE THE SMUTTY BOOKS, MADDOX.
SIR PHILLIP, PRITHEE NAY! LISTEN, MATE DON'T COME THA PHILLIP SIDNEY BIT WITH ME.
I'M NOT A BLOODY TUDOR AT ALL.
I'M GASKELL OF THE VICE SQUAD AND THIS IS SERGEANT MADDOX.
(laughter) MADDOX?! WHERE'S HE GONE? SIR PHILLIP, PRITHEE REST AWHILE.
LOOK, THIS IS THE LAST TIME I'M WARNING YOU.
I'M NOT SIR PHILLIP BLEEDING SIDNEY.
I AM SUPERINTENDEN HAROLD GASKELL AND THIS IS A RAID.
THAT'LL BE 540 QUID, SIR.
(laughter) OH, I'LL JUST HAVE THIS ONE THEN.
MADDOX! LOOK, THIS IS A RAID HONESTLY.
I PROMISE YOU.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I'M GOING HOME.
RIGHT.
WELL, I'LL REMEMBER YOU.
DON'T YOU WORRY, I'LL REMEMBER YOU.
PRAY, GOOD SIR PHILLIP DON'T YOU START.
MADDOX! LISTEN, I CAN PROVE TO YOU I'M A POLICEMAN.
I'LL GIVE THE NAMES OF ALL THE MEN DOWN IN "F" DIVISION AT ACTON.
INSPECTOR ARTHUR PERRY SUPERINTENDENT CHARLES FRODWELL, MY BEST FRIEND POLICE DOGS BUTCH, WOLF, PANTHER, MAUDLING.
HOW WOULD I KNOW THOSE NAMES IF I WAS SIR PHILLIP SIDNEY? VICAR, VICAR, YOU KNOW ME.
THE GARGOYLE CLUB.
I GOT YOU OFF THE CHARGE.
FAREWELL, GOOD SIR PHILLIP.
HEY, STOP! MADDOX! YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS, YOU PORN MERCHANT! BLIMEY! MADDOX? MADDOX! OH, GOOD SIR, HOW GLAD I AM TO SEE THEE COME.
FORGIVE ME WEEPING, BUT MY LOVE HAS GONE.
UH, LISTEN, MY NAME IS GASKELL SUPERINTENDENT GASKELL OF VICE SQUAD.
MYSELF AND SERGEANT MADDOX ARE ON A RAID.
WE ARE NOT TUDOR PEOPLE.
WE ARE THE POLICE.
FRANCES, WHAT IDLENESS IS THIS? WHY, GOOD SIR PHILLIP SIDNEY! WHAT HAST THOU HERE? YOU ARE SIR PHILLIP SIDNEY? (laughter) POSSIBLY BUT I MAY BE SUPERINTENDENT GASKELL OF THE VICE SQUAD.
AH, GOOD, SIR PHILLIP THY SHARP-TONGUED WI HAS NOT DESERTED THEE.
COME, LET US EAT AND DRINK.
STAY WITH US AWHILE.
ALL RIGHT, SIR, I THINK I WILL.
(Elizabethan music playing) (all laughing) THEN THEN DID WE BUS THE HARRY TONY MOB WHO DID SEEK TO IMPOR SCANDINAVIAN FILTH VIA GERMANY.
FOR SIX YEARS THEY CLEANED UP A PACKET.
THE DAY I GOT WHIFF OF THEM THROUGH A SQUEALER DID, WITHIN A WEEK, A MOP-UP RIGHT GOOD.
THEY'RE NOW LANGUISHING DOING FIVE YEARS' BIRD IN PARKHURST.
(all laugh) SIR PHILLIP! THE SPANIARDS HAVE LANDED IN THE NETHERLANDS.
MY LORD WALSINGHAM NEEDS YOU THERE FORTHWITH.
Gaskell: LET'S GO.
All: GOOD LUCK, SIR PHILLIP! FIGHT AGAINST FILTH! WHERE ARE THE SPANIARDS? DOWN BELOW, SIR PHILLIP.
THEIR FIRST BOATS ARE LANDING EVEN NOW.
RIGHT, YOU STAY HERE, I'LL GO AND GET THEM.
SIR PHILLIP, NOT ALONE! 'ALLO, 'ALLO! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? (with Spanish accent): IS NOTHING, SENOR, IS JUST SOME LITERATURE.
(laughter) I KNOW WHAT LITERATURE IS, YOU DAGO DUSTBIN.
I ALSO KNOW WHAT PORN IS.
WHAT'S THIS THEN, EH? IS ONE OF LOPE DE VEGA'S LATEST PLAYS, SENOR.
TOLEDO TIT PARADE? WHAT KIND OF A PLAY IS THAT? IS VERY VISUAL, SENOR.
RIGHT, I'M TAKING THIS LOT IN IN THE NAME OF HER GRACIOUS MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH.
OH, BUT SENOR.
DON'T GIVE ME ANY TROUBLE.
JUST PILE UP THESE BASKETS OF FILTH AND COME WITH ME.
NO! Narrator: THE BATTLE RAGED LONG AND HARD BUT AS NIGHT FELL, SIDNEY OVERCAME THE SPANIARDS.
6,000 COPIES OF TITS AND BUMS AND 4,000 COPIES OF SHOWER SHEILA WERE SEIZED THAT DAY.
THE TIDE OF SPANISH PORN WAS STEMMED.
SIR PHILLIP SIDNEY RETURNED TO LONDON IN TRIUMPH.
COVERED IN GLORY SIR PHILLIP RODE HOME TO PENSHURS TO SEE HIS BELOVED WIFE.
BUT ALL WAS NOT WELL.
GOOD EVENING ALL, MY LOVE.
I HAVE RETURNED SAFE FROM THE LOW COUNTRIES.
(whistling) WHAT ART THOU READING, FAIR ONE? OH, IT IS NOTHING, HUSBAND.
I CAN SEE 'TIS SOMETHING.
UH 'TIS ONE OF SHAKESPEARE'S LATEST WORKS.
OH GAY BOYS IN BONDAGE.
(laughter) WHAT, IS'T TRAGEDY? COMEDY? UH 'TIS, UH 'TIS A STORY OF A A MAN'S GREAT LOVE FOR HIS FELLOW MEN.
HOW FORTUNATE WE ARE INDEED TO HAVE SUCH A POE ON THESE SHORES.
INDEED.
HOW WAS THE WAR, MY LORD? THE SPANIARDS WERE DEFEATED THRICE.
SIX DOZEN CHESTS OF HARD-CORE CAPTURED.
HAST BROUGHT HOME ANY SPOILS OF WAR? YES, GOOD MY WIFE.
THIS FAIR COA TRIMMED WITH ERMINE.
OH, LOVELY.
NOWT ELSE? NO, NO, FAIR LADY, THE REST WAS TOO SMUTTY.
NOW, MY GOOD WIFE, WHILE I REST, READ TO ME A WHILE FROM SHAKESPEARE'S GAY BOYS IN BONDAGE.
UH YES, MY LORD.
GAY BOYS IN BONDAGE.
(clears throat) "KEN, 25, IS A MOUNTED POLICEMAN WITH A DIFFERENCE "AND, WHAT A DIFFERENCE! "EVEN ROGER IS SURPRISED "AND HE'S HE'S USED TO REAL MEN.
'TIS LIKE HAMLET.
WHAT A GENIUS! "BUT WHO IS GOING TO DO THE COOKING TONIGHT? RODDY'S GOT A MOUTHFUL" ALL RIGHT! THIS IS A RAID.
OH, WE ARE DISGRACED.
THERE YOU ARE, MADDOX.
CUT THE CHA AND GET IN THE VAN.
MADDOX, YOU RECOGNIZE ME.
INDEED I DO, SIR PHILLIP SIDNEY AND SAD I AM TO SEE YOU CAUGHT UP IN THIS MORASS OF FILTH.
OOH, THAT'S A LONG ONE.
OH, OH, THE GLORIOUS NAME OF SIDNEY IS BESMIRCHED.
ALL IS LOST, OH, ALAS THE DAY! SHUT UP! I KNOW THIS MAN.
IT'S ME OLD MATE, SERGEANT MADDOX.
YOU'LL DO TIME FOR THIS.
OH, MADDOX, IT'S ME, GASKELL "F" DIVISION DOWN AT ACTON.
INSPECTOR ARTHUR FRODWELL COME ON, SIDNEY.
AND YOU, MISS.
I'M NOT SIR PHILLIP BLEEDING SIDNEY.
WHERE WERE YOU? WE COULD HAVE MOPPED UP THAT TUDOR SHOP.
OOH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
IT'S ME, IT'S GASKELL.
YES, I'LL EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU WHEN I GET BACK AT THE STATION THAT YOU'VE GO THE WRONG MAN! (audience laughter) (Renaissance music playing) PRITHEE, WHAT IS' THAT HERE I HOLD? IF IS'T BE BRIAN'S, THAN TO FIGHT I GO.
BUT, NO.
ALAS, IF FORTUNE DOTH PERCEIVE, I AM UNDONE.
NO, CYRIL MUST NOT KNOW.
BUT NO, YES, NO AH, AH, AH, RESOLVED.
BUT, HARK, SOMEONE APPROACHING.
TAKE HEED, MY LORD KEVIN AND BRUCE ARE HERE.
(scream) (bubbling) (playing chords) IT'S SO NICE HERE, ISN'T IT, DARLING? OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S IT'S PARIS ALL OVER AGAIN.
EXCUSE ME, DO YOU MIND IF I JOIN YOU? UH NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T MIND? UH, YES, YES, ABSOLUTELY.
YOU'RE SURE I WON' BE DISTURBING YOU? NO, NO.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY SURE I WON'T BE DISTURBING YOU? NO, NO, REALLY.
GOOD, BECAUSE I DON' WANT TO DISTURB YOU.
I'M SORRY? I DON'T WANT TO DISTURB YOU ESPECIALLY AS YOU'RE BEING SO KIND ABOUT ME NOT DISTURBING YOU.
WE DON'T MIND, DO WE, DARLING? NO, NO, DARLING.
GOOD, SO I CAN GO AHEAD AND JOIN YOU THEN, CAN I? YES, YES.
YES, PLEASE.
WON'T BE DISTURBING? NO, NO.
NO, NO, NO.
GOOD, GOOD, YOU'RE VERY KIND.
A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE FAR LESS UNDERSTANDING THAN YOU ARE.
A LOT OF PEOPLE TAKE OFFENSE WHILE I EVEN TALK TO THEM LET ALONE WHEN I SPECIFICALLY TELL THEM ABOUT MY BEING DISTURBING.
(laughter) WELL, IT'S NO PARTICULARLY DISTURBING.
NO, ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY.
THAT'S WHA I ALWAYS SAY.
BUT YOU'D BE AMAZED YOU'D BE AMAZED AT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO REALLY DON'T WANT ME.
(in high voice): TOO-TOO, TOO-TOO-TOO TOO-TOO-TOO, TOO-TOO-TOO TOO, TOO, TOO, TOO TOO-TOO, TOO-TOO-TOO, TOO.
TOO-TOO, TOO-TOO-TOO I MEAN, EVEN DOING THIS GETS PEOPLE LOOKING AT ME IN THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY WAY.
(continues singing) VICAR, WE MUST BE GETTING ON.
I KNEW I'D DISTURB YOU, I KNEW I'D DISTURB YOU.
IT ALWAYS HAPPENS.
(sobbing): WHENEVER I'VE FOUND SOMEONE I REALLY THINK I'M GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET ON WITH NO, THE THING IS, WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE DARLING, COME ON, LET'S STAY.
WELL, JUS A LITTLE BIT.
I MEAN, WE WILL BE LATE IF WE DON'T OH, THANK YOU, YOU'RE VERY KIND.
TOO-TOO, TOO-TOO-TOO TOO-TOO-TOO, TOO-TOO-TOO TOO, TOO, TOO, TOO Both: TOO-TOO, TOO-TOO-TOO Woman: AS IT TURNED OU OUR CHANCE MEETING WITH THE REVEREND ARTHUR BELLING WAS TO CHANGE OUR WHOLE WAY OF LIFE AND EVERY SUNDAY WE'D HURRYALONG TO ST.
LOONY UP THE CREAM BUN AND JAM Congregation: TOO-TOO, TOO-TOO-TOO TOO-TOO-TOO, TOO-TOO-TOO TOO, TOO, TOO, TOO (plates breaking, explosion) (playing chords) (laughter) AND NOW IT'S (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUSESES.
(music ends with fart) (squeaks, gunshot) (bleats, gunshot) (squawks, gunshot) (meows, gunshot) (gunfire continues) (splashing) Man: RIGHT, SIR, ONE SAFARI SNOWBALL.
THAT COMES TO £1,361.
48 AND WE'LL THROW THE NUDE MAN IN FOR FREE.
(cash register rings) ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN, LAST ORDERS, PLEASE.
OH, DO YOU WANT A DRINK BEFORE THEY CLOSE? NO, I WANT A KISS.
OH, GOODY.
(splatting, smooching) Narrator: AND SO THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
BUT NOW (chamber music plays) THE "FREE REPETITION OF DOUBTFUL WORDS SKIT, SPOOF, JAPE, OR VIGNETTE" BY A VERY UNDERRATED WRITER.
I HAVE COME FOR SOME FREE REPETITION OF DOUBTFUL WORDS ON AN INLAND TELEGRAM.
HAVE YOU THE TELEGRAM IN QUESTION? I HAVE THE VERY THING HERE.
WELL, SLIP IT TO ME, MY GOOD CHAP AND LET ME EYE THE CONTENTS.
AT ONCE, MR.
TELEGRAM ENQUIRY MAN.
THANK YOU, MR.
CUSTOMER MAN.
HA-HO! "PARLING, I GLOVE YOU.
"CLEASE CLOME AT BRONCE.
YOUR TROVING SWIFE, PAT.
" WHICH WAS THE WORD YOU WANTED CHECKING? "PAT.
" "PAT"? MY WIFE'S NAME IS NOT PAT AT ALL.
NO? IT'S BA WITH A "B.
" AND THEREFORE I WILL TAKE A QUICK LOOK IN THE BOOK.
RIPPING.
YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT, OLD COCK.
THERE HAS BEEN A MISTAKE.
I THOUGHT AS MUCH.
WHAT REALLY DOES IT SAY? IT SAY, "GO AWAY, YOU SILLY LITTLE BLEEDER "I AM HAVING ANOTHER MAN.
LOVE, BAT.
" QUITE SOME ERROR.
YES, SHE WOULDN' CALL HERSELF PAT.
IT'S SILLY.
DAFT, I CALL IT.
WELL, IT HAS BEEN A PLEASURE WORKING WITH YOU.
FOR ME, ALSO, IT HAS BEEN A PLEASURE.
AND THAT CONCLUDES OUR LITTLE SKIT.
(chamber music plays) THE "FREE REPETITION OF DOUBTFUL WORDS THING" BYA JUSTLY UNDERRATED WRITER.
THE END.
(laughter) GOOD EVENING, TONIGHT ON IS THERE? WE EXAMINE THE QUESTION, "IS THERE A LIFE AFTER DEATH?" AND HERE TO DISCUSS I ARE THREE DEAD PEOPLE (laughter) THE LATE SIR BRIAN HARDAKER FORMER CURATOR OF THE IMPERIAL WAR MUSEUM THE LATE PROFESSOR THYNNE UNTIL RECENTLY AN ACADEMIC CRITIC AND BROADCASTER AND PUTTING THE POINT OF VIEW OF THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND THE VERY LATE PREBENDARY REVEREND ROSS.
GENTLEMEN, IS THERE A LIFE AFTER DEATH OR NOT? SIR BRIAN? (laughter) PROFESSOR? PREBENDARY? WELL, THERE WE HAVE IT THREE SAY "NO.
" ON IS THERE? NEXT WEEK, WE'LL BE DISCUSSING THE QUESTION "IS THERE ENOUGH OF IT ABOUT?" UNTIL THEN, GOOD NIGHT.
(laughter) GOOD DOCTOR MORNING.
NICE YEAR FOR THE TIME OF DAY.
COME IN.
CAN I DOWN SIT? CERTAINLY.
WELL, THEN? WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO BUSH THE DOCTOR ABOUT THE BEAT TOO LONG.
I'M GOING TO COME TO POIN THE STRAIGHT IMMEDIATELY.
GOOD, GOOD.
MY PARTICULAR PROB OR BUGLEM BEAR, I'VE HAD AGES.
FOR YEARS, I'VE HAD IT FOR DONKEYS.
WHAT? I'M UP TO HERE WITH IT.
I'M SICK TO DEATH.
I CAN'T TAKE YOU ANY LONGER SO I'VE COME TO SEE IT.
AH, NOW, THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM WITH WORDS.
THIS IS MY PROBLEM WITH WORDS.
OH, THAT SEEMS TO HAVE CLEARED IT.
OH, I COME FROM ALABAMA WITH MY BAN JO ON MY KNEE YES, THAT SEEMS TO BE ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I SEE, UH, BUT RECENTLY YOU HAVE BEEN HAVING THIS PROBLEM WITH YOUR WORD ORDER.
WELL, ABSOLUTELY, AND WHAT MAKES IT WORSE IS THAT SOMETIMES AT THE END OF A SENTENCE I'LL COME OU WITH THE WRONG FUSE BOX.
"FUSE BOX"? AND THE THING ABOU SAYING THE WRONG WORD IS THAT "A," I DON'T NOTICE I AND "B," SOMETIMES ORANGE WATER GIVEN BUCKET OF PLASTER.
(laughter) YES, TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM.
WELL, AS I SAY, YOU'D JUST BE TALKING AND OUT'LL PUDENDA THE WRONG WORD AND ASHTRAY'S YOUR UNCLE.
I'M AWFULLY STRAWBERRY ABOUT IT.
UPSET? IT'S SO EMBARRASSING WHEN MY WIFE AND I GO TO AN ORGY.
A PARTY? NO, AN ORGY.
WE LIVE IN ESHER.
QUITE.
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
IT'S SUCH A BLOODY WHACK THE DIDDLE-O FAL-DI-RAL, FA-DI-DA, LO-DI-DO-DI-DO-FUM-FUM.
MR.
BURROWS, THIS IS NO COMMON PROBLEM.
YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM A DISEASE SO RARE THAT IT HASN'T GO A NAME NOT YET.
BUT IT WILL HAVE, OH, YES! THIS IS THE OPPORTUNITY I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME! I'LL SHOW THEM A THE ROYAL COLLEGE OF SURGEONS.
I'LL MAKE THEM SIT UP AND TAKE NOTICE.
THRIPSHAW'S DISEASE! DISCOVERED BY E.
HENRY THRIPSHAW, M.
D.
I'LL BE INVITED ON CALL MY BLUFF, AND THE MERCHANDISING THERE'LL BE E.
HENRY THRIPSHAW T-SHIRTS! I'LL TURN IT INTO A GAME! I'LL SELL THE FILM RIGHTS! (Prokofiev's "Battle on the Ice" plays) THAT CLIP COMES FROM THE NEW DAVID O.
SELTZER FILM.
THE AUTHOR OF THAT FILM CLIP IS WITH ME NOW.
DR.
E.
HENRY THRIPSHAW.
WELL, I FEEL THAT THEY'VE MISSED THE WHOLE POINT OF MY DISEASE.
THIS IS ALWAYS THE PROBLEM WITH DIRECTORS OF FILM CLIPS.
YES, WELL, YOU SEE THEY'VE DRAGGED IN ALL THIS IRRELEVANT MUSH.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW? WELL, AT THE PRESENT MOMENT, I'M WORKING ON A NEW DISEASE WHICH I HOPE TO TURN INTO A MUSICAL (laughter) BUT PRIMARILY, WE ARE WORKING ON A REMAKE OF MY FIRST DISEASE AND THIS TIME WE'RE HOPING TO DO IT PROPERLY.
WELL LET'S JUST TAKE A LOOK AT THIS NEW FILM CLIP.
(Prokofiev's "Battle on the Ice" plays) WELL, NOW, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE MATTER? (laughter) THE NEXT SKETCH FOLLOWS AFTER SOME SILLY NOISES.
(humming through lips, mechanical bird cuckooing, tapping, man squawking) (bells tolling, plates breaking) (light laughter) COME IN.
I WONDERED IF I COULD HAVE A WORD WITH YOU FOR A MOMENT.
BY ALL MEANS, BY ALL MEANS, SIR.
DO SIT DOWN.
UH SIT ON THE DESK HERE.
OH, THANK YOU.
NOW THEN, GLASS OF SHERRY? NO, THANK YOU.
ARE YOU SURE? I'M GOING TO HAVE SOME.
WELL, IF YOU'RE HAVING SOME YES, THEN PERHAPS, VICAR.
OH, THERE'S ONLY JUST ENOUGH FOR ME.
(laughter) WELL, IN THAT CASE I WON'T, DON'T WORRY.
YOU SEE, IF I SPLI WHAT'S LEF WELL, THERE'D HARDLY BE ANY LEFT FOR ME AT ALL.
WELL, I'M NOT A GREA SHERRY DRINKER.
GOOD, SO I CAN HAVE IT ALL.
NOW THEN, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? WELL, JUS RECENTLY I'VE BEGUN TO WORRY ABOUT OH! FOUND ANOTHER BOTTLE.
YOU CAN HAVE SOME NOW IF YOU WANT TO.
OH, WELL THEN, YES, PERHAPS A LITTLE.
OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO, I CAN DRINK THE WHOLE BOTTLE.
UM, IN THAT CASE, NO.
GOOD, THAT'S ANOTHER BOTTLE FOR ME RIGHT.
I'VE BEGUN TO WORRY RECENTLY THAT (knocking at door) COME IN! Vicar: AH, MR.
HUSBAND.
THIS IS MR.
KIRKHAM, ONE OF MY PARISHIONERS.
THIS IS MR.
HUSBAND OF THE BRITISH SHERRY CORPORATION.
LOOK, LOOK, PERHAPS I BETTER COME BACK LATER.
NO, NO, NO, DO STAY HERE.
HAVE A SHERRY.
YOU WON'T BE LONG, WILL YOU, HUSBAND? OH, NO, VICAR, JUST A QUESTION OF SIGNING A FEW FORMS.
THERE WE ARE.
THERE WE ARE, MR.
HUSBAND.
NOW, HOW ABOU YOU, MR.
KIRKHAM? WELL, ONLY IF THERE'S ENOUGH.
AH, WELL, THERE'S NOT MUCH NOW.
OH IN THAT CASE, NO, I WON'T.
GOOD.
RIGHT.
RIGHT, NOW THEN.
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM, HUSBAND? WELL, VICAR, I'VE MADE ENQUIRIES WITH OUR SHIPPERS AND THE MOST SHERRY THEY CAN SHIP IN ANY ONE LOAD IS 12,000 GALLONS.
AND HOW MANY GLASSES IS THAT? THAT'S ROUGHLY 540,000 GLASSES, VICAR.
THAT'S EXCELLENT, HUSBAND, EXCELLENT.
YES, IT MEANS YOU CAN STILL KEEP YOUR MAIN SHERRY SUPPLY ON THE ROOF, BUT YOU CAN HAVE AN EMERGENCY SUPPLY UNDERNEATH THE VESTRY, OF 5,000 GALLONS.
OR I COULD HAVE DRY SHERRY ON THE ROOF AND AMONTILLADO IN THE UNDERGROUND TANK.
ABSOLUTELY.
EXCELLEN WORK, HUSBAND EXCELLENT WORK.
NOT AT ALL, VICAR.
YOU'RE ONE OF OUR BEST CUSTOMERS YOU AND THE UNITED STATES.
(laughter) BYE-BYE, TERRIFIC.
NOW, THEN, MR.
KIRKHAM, I AM SO SORRY, DO GO ON.
WELL, IT'S JUS THAT RECENTLY I'VE BEGUN TO WORRY ABOUT WELL, LOOK, DOES THE BIBLE INTEND Men: AMONTILLADO! AMONTILLADO! AMONTILLADO! HEY, HEY, HEY! AMONTILLADO! (trilling) AMONTILLADO! FROM THE OLD LAND OF SPAIN, WE COME TO HONOR YOU ARRIBA! ARRIBA! FROM MILES AND MILES AWAY, WE SALUTE YOU.
YOU MAKE US SO, SO HAPPY IN SPAIN REVEREND TOMLINSON OLE! WHAT DID YOU WANT? DIRTY BOOKS, PLEASE.
RIGHT.
(all talking at once) (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) (music ends with fart) E.
HENRY THRIPSHAW T-SHIRTS ARE NOW AVAILABLE FROM BBC ENTERPRISES.
THE PRICE HASN' FINALLY BEEN DECIDED AND THE ADDRESS TO WRITE TO THEY HAVEN'T YE QUITE WORKED OUT.
(laughter)