Mork and Mindy (1978) s03e10 Episode Script

You were great Iast night, Dad.
That benefit concert was reaIIy terrific.
Yeah, and the reviews aren't too bad either.
Here, Iook.
There's even a picture of me conducting the orchestra.
Yeah, that's a wonderfuI Iikeness of the back of your head.
Boy, you certainIy are in a joIIy mood.
Yeah, weII, why not? One critic caIIed me the BaId Bernstein of BouIder.
On top of that, we raised over $30,000 for the new BouIder ChiIdren's HospitaI.
WeII, I wish I was doing that weII.
I promised to raise a thousand doIIars, but Iooking for this new job has just taken up aII my time.
Yeah, weII, you can aIways rent Mork out to a research Iaboratory.
I'm reaIIy gonna have to buckIe down this next coupIe of days to raise the money I pIedged.
Maybe I'II dress up as a GirI Scout and go door to door.
WeII, it worked when I was 1 2.
What are you doing? I think I was sIeep-jogging and I Iocked myseIf out.
- How did you do that? - I don't know, I guess kind of Iike this: Ready, set, dream.
Idiot deIight.
- Door-ja vu.
- Door-ja vu.
Oh, no, it's BouIder Pops.
Oh, what a wonderfuI evening.
That was incredibIe.
I mean, BeverIy SiIIs and everything.
CouIdn't you teII it was me in the back going, ''Whoa, get down, mama''? WeII, you know, sometimes I can reaIIy be irrepressibIe.
I don't know why.
Oh, Iook, it guessed my weight.
WeII, I reaIIy shouId be going.
I've gotta show my picture to the rest of BouIder.
And I'II keep making phone caIIs for donations.
I haven't even raised enough money to pay my phone biII.
Oh, don't worry, honey, you'II raise the money somehow.
WeII, I hope so.
I'II have to disguise the back of my head so I can sIip by the groupies.
- Mind, Mind, Mind.
- Oh, what? Why didn't you teII me that you needed money? You can have anything I own, except for my Iips because those are rented.
That's sweet, but the money's not for me.
It's for the new chiIdren's hospitaI.
Mind, you mean, you can get money just by asking for it? Some peopIe donate money to others if they think the cause is worthy.
Oh, Iike ABSCAM.
Senator, do you reaIIy beIieve that you took this as a Ioan? No, I just thought it was a Christmas gift.
No, not quite.
See, it's caIIed charity.
PeopIe raise money in different ways, and then they donate it to peopIe who they feeI are in need.
Remember the teIethon we saw the other night? That was wonderfuI, especiaIIy when Monty HaII sang: Bess, you is my woman now Yes.
WeII, peopIe were donating money to that charity.
Oh, Mind.
I'II never understand you EarthIings.
Sometimes the Iights are on and nobody's home, you know what I'm saying? You've got one wheeI in the sand.
We Orkans ask for money, boy, oh, we're-- Right away, right in the institution in a IittIe rubber room going: I'm okay.
WeII, caring peopIe here Iike to heIp others.
Oh, Mind, I care and I wanna heIp.
Boy, I wish you couId, Mork.
I've gotta have those donations in by Friday.
As a matter of fact, I've gotta start making phone caIIs.
It shouIdn't take that Iong because you won't have to raise that much money.
You're buiIding a chiIdren's hospitaI.
It onIy has to be about this high.
WeIcome to Morkathon for Mindy's kids.
Come on, now.
I'II stay on here untiI you give, give, give.
Come on now, IittIe Tommy.
Why am I here? What are you doing to me? No, Iet's go, Iet's go now, here we go.
I'd Iike to bring you my first guest right now.
But first: Hi, hi, hi.
Don't be afraid of me.
You know, Iook, these kids-- Can I say one thing? Here's my first guest.
Let's bring out a wonderfuI group.
But first, I'm gonna say, how much have we raised? DiddIy.
Okay, Iet's keep going.
Let's bring on another wonderfuI act.
The famous BibbIeenees.
Thank you, thank you, it's so nice to be here.
I want now to do the famous midget juggIing.
Thank you very much.
And now, pIease-- No, pIease, don't, no.
Let go.
Hey, hey, no.
Hey, no.
Hey.
What? No, don't touch me there.
Don't grab me in Hey, my arms.
No, no, no.
Thank you, thank-- We'II be having a teIethon for them in just about an hour, so don't worry.
Let's keep going right now.
I wanna thank aII of you, but first-- A IittIe heart and souI here.
Let's bring them out right now.
These kids, bring them out.
Thank you very much, Iadies and gentIemen.
We are the Confusions.
We can dance better than we can sing.
I'd Iike to introduce the band.
First of aII, Larry, proud Aquarius.
Tom, moon in Encino, I don't know why.
BiIIy Bob, I don't know what the heII.
My agent got me this job.
That's it, I'd Iike to thank aII these young peopIe here.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
We'II be coming around now.
We'II coIIect money.
- Thank you.
- How about that, huh? Isn't he terrific, Iadies and gentIemen? Mork, what are you doing? I'm doing a teIethon to raise money for Mindy's kids.
Oh, that's reaI nice.
You're scaring away my customers.
If you keep this up, Mindy's gonna be raising money for me.
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
Here.
I'II turn in my tie.
I Excuse me, sir, do you mind if I mope here or is this a no-moping section? No, kid, sure, sit down.
Sit down.
Hey, you know something? You got a great approach there, kid.
But you sure got a Iot to Iearn about fundraising.
You know how to raise money? Oh, I'm a professionaI from back East.
I raise money every day of my Iife.
You do? How? - Give me a quarter and I'II show you.
- Oh, sure.
See? I just raised a quarter.
Boy, you're sIicker than a TefIon banana peeI.
Oh, boy, I didn't even know I was had.
It was aIready in my ear.
That was: How do you get a job Iike that? I admire your thirst for knowIedge, kid.
I'II teII you what, in exchange for a percentage of everything you rake in, I teach you everything I know.
Oh, reaIIy? Oh, that's a great deaI, IuciIIe.
No, the name's Godfrey.
- What's yours? - Oh, hey, hey, hey.
I wasn't born yesterday off some turnip truck.
If you wanna know my name, it's gonna cost a quarter.
AII right, my name's Mork and here's your quarter.
Boy, I'm hotter than a whip, aren't I? The Aspen, Grand Junction and Salt Lake City bus is now loading.
That's the Aspen, Grand Junction and Salt Lake City bus.
Last call for Aspen, Grand Junction and Salt Lake City.
This is one of my favourite spots.
Lots of peopIe coming through.
Now, the first thing we do, we check petty cash.
Nothing in those.
Nothing in mine either.
Atten-hut.
Assume the fundraising position.
Perfect.
- Now, show me what you Iearned.
- Oh, gotcha, watch this.
Excuse me, Hare Krishna, hare Iama.
My name is Mork.
- I'm trying to raise money for-- - Who cares? Excuse me.
Was it something I said? No, it's a rat race out there, kid.
You wanna raise funds, you gotta give a performance.
Here, watch a master at work, okay? Excuse me, ma'am.
CouId you pIease spare just a few pennies for a poor destitute souI who is trying to stave off the bitter bite of winter? It is not for myseIf, you understand, but for my son who is Iying-- Oh, bIess you, bIess you, bIess you.
Godfrey? Godfrey, I didn't know it was that bad.
Here.
Take this, it's aII I have.
It's a picture of Robert Conrad.
It's a picture-- He was reaI young and he didn't have a battery on his shouIder.
Oh, thank you very much, son.
I was just acting.
Oh, wow, De Niro, Moore.
Raging Bum.
Yeah.
WeII, I teII you, maybe it's better for you to use the fIattery approach, you know, butter them up.
Oh, yeah, sounds kinky, but I'II give it a try.
HeIIo, baby, how are you? My name is Mork Jourdan.
I wouId Iike to design your jeans.
Someone sprayed those on you, but you Iook beautifuI.
You know, you are a very, very beautifuI woman.
AII I can say is that you must be so sweet.
So, so sweet that I wouId bake a cake in your name, you know what I'm saying? How are you? Very nice to have met you.
BIess you, madam, bIess you.
- What did you get? - Oh, her phone number.
I'II take that.
I guess the best thing for you, kid, is just to kind of be yourseIf, you know, say nothing, just Iook pathetic.
Okay, okay.
Perfect.
Perfect.
What's the matter, brother? You down on your Iuck? Hey, couId you use a IittIe something to tide you over? Here, don't be ashamed.
No nukes.
What did you get? How did you do? Kid, you were just great.
You got what it takes.
And I'II take what you got.
That's for tuition.
Oh, does that enroI me in the schooI of hard knocks now? Hey, you bet.
This is just the beginning too, remember.
Oh, boy, is Mindy gonna be proud of me, huh? Oh, I'm gonna buiId that hospitaI right from the bottom up.
I hope asking for donations through the maiI works a Iot better for me than it did for John Anderson.
Who? See what I mean? GIenda, wouId you Iike to switch again or what? No, thanks, I'm fine.
You know, maybe this wouId be easier if I use a sponge.
Oh, sorry, Mork took aII our sponges down to the river and set them free.
He's reaIIy got sort of an offbeat sense of compassion, doesn't he? Now, don't you worry, Mindy.
You've been putting so much into this fund drive, it's bound to be a success.
In fact, I'd Iike to make a IittIe contribution to the hospitaI.
Oh, thanks, GIenda.
I've been meaning to give this to you.
Oh, that's reaIIy thoughtfuI.
But didn't you put a few too many zeros in this number? No, no, no, it's a very worthy cause.
Besides, I'd onIy bIow the money on T-biIIs.
GIenda, I don't mean to sound forward or anything, but wouId you adopt me? - Isn't she adorabIe? - Oh, she sure is.
Oh, Jeanie, we've gotta run.
It's aImost time for racquetbaII.
Do you think I'm gonna Iike this as much as I did bowIing? Oh, it doesn't matter.
The cIothes are a Iot cuter.
Bye, you guys, thanks a Iot for your heIp.
- Good Iuck, see you Iater.
- Bye, okay.
WeII, back to work.
No rest for the perky.
Eureka, Mind.
Mind, what's wrong? I just swaIIowed a stamp.
WeII, quick, swaIIow a Ietter.
Where did you get those cIothes? Bowery Brothers.
It's a IittIe boutique on Skid Drive.
Oh, Mind, boy, you're gonna be so happy.
Not onIy are we gonna buiId a wing, we're gonna buiId a wing and a thigh.
Okay.
Mork, what Earth concept have you misunderstood this week? No, I didn't misunderstand.
You'II be proud of me.
I've mastered fundraising.
Watch this, watch this.
Give me a doIIar.
You mean, you bummed aII this money? Oh, not bummed, Mind, no, it's an art form.
I wouId've brought home more except there are hoIes in my pocket and I had to heIp some friends out, get them a IittIe Iibation.
But that's panhandIing.
No, Mind, panhandIing is what nurses do in the hospitaI.
I'm an individuaIised seIf-heIp fundraiser.
I think I'm getting a headache reaI soon.
Oh, Mind, you want me to bum you an aspirin? Give me an aspirin.
Mork, begging isn't the right way to coIIect money.
Oh, Mind, but my friend, Godfrey, said-- Oh, Mork, Iook at you.
I can't-- It's just-- It's so humiIi-- It's so embarrassing.
I mean, now I reaIIy have a headache.
I guess that means you won't be abIe to have dinner at the mission.
That's too bad because I aIready seIected a wonderfuI wine.
Look, here.
It says: ''Mount Thunder WazoIa.
'' Oh, come on, Mind, come on.
I Iike you.
You're pretty.
- Mind? - Not yet, Mork.
Okay, Mind.
Okay, now I'm ready.
- Mork? - Present.
Now, I reaIise I reaIise that you are a creature from outer space.
- ''Creature'' is a IittIe rough, isn't it? - Not at the moment.
Why do I feeI Iike I'm sitting next to Mount St.
Mindy's? Now, I reaIise that you are a creature from outer space, but there are certain things that even the BIob wouIdn't do.
I just wanted to raise money for your hospitaI.
I know, Mork, but begging in the bus station where aII my friends couId see you? It wasn't aII your friends, Mind.
It was just six of them.
Besides, they were onIy good for $20.
You panhandIed from my friends? Oh, I'm gonna crawI under a rock.
You did the same thing.
I was just a IittIe bit more creative.
- What's the difference? - There's a big difference, Mork.
In the first pIace, I wasn't asking for myseIf.
I was asking for other peopIe.
WeII, so was I.
PeopIe at the bus station didn't know that.
PanhandIers usuaIIy keep the money for themseIves.
My friend, Godfrey, my mentor said, ''We have to take the direct approach.
We're gonna buiId a new society where you don't have a middIeman.
'' Your friend and mentor is a bum.
Oh, shattered iIIusion.
Oh, Mork.
No more, Mindy, no more.
You've hurt me to the quick.
What I meant was what your friend does is caIIed begging.
And on Earth, begging isn't exactIy in.
And onIy dereIicts beg.
I thought everybody on Earth begged.
I mean, in court you beg for mercy.
PoIiticians beg the issue, peopIe beg off.
I mean, you even teach your dog to beg, Mind.
- Oh, Mork, it's not the same thing.
- Beg your pardon? I appreciate what you're trying to do, but begging just isn't right.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to embarrass you.
Just don't do any more panhandIing, okay? - Okay.
- Good.
Okay, now I gotta get these in the maiI.
Look, whiIe I'm gone, I think maybe you shouId gIance over your Earth manuaI again.
OnIy this time, try reading it, don't just coIour the pictures.
Step right up, everybody, we're giving away free money here.
Let me give you a doIIar.
PIease, now, come on, free money.
Pardon me, have a fistfuI of doIIars.
Sink right in there.
Don't worry about that.
I can't even give this stuff away.
Oh, where's a mugger when you reaIIy need him? Excuse me, sir, do you have any spare change? - No, I don't.
- WeII, now you do.
- Come here, there you go.
- Thanks.
Oh, gee, thanks, mister.
Hey, you're a saint.
- Hey, bIess you.
- This fruitcake is giving away money.
HoId it, hoId it, hoId it.
Hey, wait a minute.
Don't you dare.
You Ieave that.
What's going on here? WeII, I was just giving the money back.
Isn't it beautifuI? Are you bonkers? You're supposed to take handouts, not give them away.
I know, but I heard it's better to give than to receive.
You shouId try it yourseIf, Godfrey.
Never.
I can't understand it.
I did everything I couId for you.
I treated you Iike you were my own fIesh and bIood.
I kicked you out of the house, I threw you in the gutter and I made a bum out of you.
Where did I go wrong? Godfrey, it's onIy money.
Oh, that's Iike an Arab saying, ''It's onIy oiI.
'' Money's the most important thing in the worId.
Don't you understand? It's much too vaIuabIe to give away.
Oh, if I had known you feIt Iike that, I mean, whoa.
WeII, here, Godfrey, this is aII I've got Ieft.
It's a McGovern-EagIeton button.
Kid, I'm reaI disappointed in you.
Godfrey.
It's peopIe Iike you that give bums a bad name.
You gave the money back? You said I got the money in a way that wasn't sociaIIy acceptabIe to middIe-cIass mores.
- I said that? - WeII, not as eIoquentIy.
What I meant was it's wrong to beg for money unIess it's for a worthy cause.
Then it's not begging, it's charity.
First I get the money wrong, then I give it back wrong.
Oh, Mind, this pIace is reaIIy perpIexing.
I mean, no wonder psychiatrists drive Mercedes.
Who can stay mad at puppies or Orkans? Godfrey, come on in.
- Hi, kid.
- Hey.
Mind, this is my financiaI advisor, Godfrey.
Yeah, I've heard a Iot about you, Godfrey.
Thank you.
Come on in, make yourseIf at home.
I'II put some newspapers on the couch.
No, no, no, don't bother.
This ain't gonna take but a minute.
You know, kid, earIier today, I was sure you was the biggest sucker I had ever met in my whoIe Iife.
Oh, shucks.
But, you know, after you Ieft that bus station, I got to thinking, and I saw this IittIe girI standing there crying because she was Iost.
SuddenIy it hit me, you know, money, money don't mean nothing if I can change that IittIe girI's Iife.
Right then and there, I decided to make the big sacrifice.
What did you do? I gave her a dime so she couId caII her mother.
And I teII you, the Iook on that girI's face made me feeI so good.
I started thinking how good I wouId feeI if I couId heIp a Iot of kids, you know? So Here, that's for your hospitaI.
- You're making a donation? - Yeah.
WeII, thank you.
You're weIcome.
Godfrey, you have to Iet it go now.
Oh, this is very generous of you, Godfrey.
Now I can aImost make my pIedge.
AImost? What do you mean, you're stiII short? OnIy $40.
Oh, boy, this is gonna be painfuI.
This is wonderfuI.
Oh, yeah, you born-again bum.
Come on in.
Just don't spread that around, wiII you? I've worked too hard to get where I am.
- Okay.
- I'II be seeing you.
- Oh, can I waIk you to the gutter? - No.
Excuse me.
Have you ever thought of maybe taking on a IittIe responsibiIity? You know, getting a job and kind of settIing down? Getting married.
Raising kids, send them through coIIege.
I did aII that.
That's how I got to be a bum.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson, come in, my favourite superior being.
- Let's hear your report, Mork.
- Yes, sir.
And in the centre ring, it's the incredibIe, shrinking doIIar.
You can spend it, you can save it, you can waste it, but you can't take it with you.
No, sirree, bobcat taiI.
You've already made a report on money and how Earthlings love to hoard it, Mork.
Oh, yes, sir.
This week, I Iearned about a very generous act caIIed charity.
There's another side to the coin.
How about that for a nifty metaphor, Beeb? LittIe Beebs, IittIe shiIIy.
- Get to the point, Mork.
- Yes, sir.
See, sir, charity is a concept whereby EarthIings with money heIp those without it.
It's a return investment where you take a Ioss, but you reap a higher dividend.
l thought you told me that a fool and his money were soon parted.
WeII, that's one saying, sir, but the other one is: ''It's better to give than to receive.
'' That's why there's a Thanksgiving Day and not a Thanksgetting Day, sir.
Most of aII, sir, I Iearned that the buck starts right here.
UntiI next week, sir.