NewsRadio (1995) s03e10 Episode Script
Christmas
Okay, now, uh Seeing as tomorrow is Christmas Eve, I know everybody and their grandmother is gonna wanna leave early today.
My grandmother just passed away.
Thanks for reminding me.
She did? No.
No, I'm joking.
That's my big dead grandmother joke.
Ha, ha, ha.
Funny, funny, funny.
I-- Um, Bill, I'm sorry.
I had-- I had no idea.
I [LAUGHING.]
No, I was joking.
She's not really dead.
[LAUGHING.]
[SIGHS.]
Good one.
Where was I? You were gonna tell us that we can't leave early today.
No, I was gonna say if you need to leave early, that's fine by me.
This is so bogus.
What? I-- I mean, everyone's been working very hard to get their work done ahead of time, so if you need to go, feel free.
Well, thank you, David.
Thanks.
All right.
Uh, under one condition, though, that we will all get our work done before we leave.
All right? Fair enough? Yeah.
BETH: Yes.
Well, if there's nothing else, then merry Christmas.
Oh, wait, wait.
Peopleplease.
There is one more thing.
I'd like to officially invite you over to my desk for a little Christmas surprise.
Na, na, na, na, naa Hey Matthew's little world.
BILL: Ha.
And, Mr.
Garrelli, if you'd like to do the honors this year Who? Joe.
Your last name is Garrelli.
Yeah.
Huh.
Oh, okay, wait.
Hm? Try-- Try it again.
Are these tracks steel or copper? I don't know.
I don't-- How could I tell? Well, if they're copper, they'll taste like a penny.
No, more like a nickel.
[SIGHS.]
I couldn't do it to him.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
Couldn't what? Couldn't do what? What? [LAUGHS.]
When you bent over to lick the tracks, man, I was gonna turn the juice on, and it would have shocked you.
But I just couldn't.
Merry Christmas, dude.
Is it a strong shock? Not really.
Let's do it.
[BUZZ.]
Oh! Again, again, again.
[BUZZ.]
[.]
Okay, I've got it all worked out.
I just finish doing these ratings graphs, and we take a cab out to the airport, hop on a plane to Milwaukee, drive to my parents' house and surprise everybody.
We have to leave early, right? 'Cause we have to get back to work the skeleton shift, right? Yes, we take the red eye right after dinner.
Right after dinner.
Uh-huh.
We're likeout of there.
Yes.
Yes, you will spend no more than 12 hours with my parents.
Uh-huh.
I promise.
Don't we lose a couple hours flying over the time zones, or If you don't wanna go, just say so.
I do wanna go.
Y-- No, you don't.
I do.
I really do wanna go.
I'm sorry, I'm just nervous.
It's awkward.
You knowmeeting your boyfriend's parents.
What-- What if I panic and just start screaming obscenities or something? Well, then I'll explain that my girlfriend Lisa couldn't make it, and you're just some whore I picked up at the airport.
Look, I'm-- What? I'm very serious.
What if I say the wrong thing? Like what? You tell me.
Tell you what, I'll prepare a dossier and bring you up to speed once we're in the air.
Hey, kids.
Matthew in here? Uh, no, he's not, sir.
Oh.
[SIGHS.]
Uh, can we help you? No, I need Matthew.
Mm-hmm.
What for? Well, it's like this Ever have to buy a present for a man who has everything? LISA: We have to buy a present for you every year.
Yeah, exactly, exactly.
Thanks, by the way, for that necktie this year.
I didn't have one of those.
I cherish that.
I still don't see what you need Matthew for.
Oh, well, let's see On my Christmas list, I got about 70 guys who have everything, and Matthew manages to pick out gifts that they don't already have.
Mr.
James, you looking for me? Oh, there you are.
All right, let's continue.
Bill Gates.
Ball of string.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, Rupert Murdoch.
Potter's wheel.
Uh, Rupert Murdock gets a potter's wheel? Oh, yeah.
Rupert still calls about the shower slippers that Matthew picked out for him last year.
Rupert's a funny name.
Rupert.
All right.
Now, come on, Computo, I gotta get something for Ted Turner here.
Let's hear it.
Okay, um A gold-plated hand puppet of a monkey.
No, we got him that last year.
No, I know.
He needs-- He needs another one so they can [CLUCKING.]
Amazing.
Catherine Just the person I'm looking for.
Why is that? I'm making an audition tape for a voiceover commercial, and I need someone to play the part of the wife.
Naturally, I thought of you.
No way.
Hey, hey, come on, Catherine Lisa, just the person I'm looking for.
I'm making an audition tape for a voiceover commercial, and I need someone to play the part of the wife.
Naturally, I thought of you.
Come on, Lisa.
Lisa Beth, just the person I'm looking for.
Huh? I'm making an audition tape for a voiceover commercial, and I need someone to read the part of the wife.
Naturally, I thought of you.
You thought of me? Bill, that is so sweet.
Thank you.
How much does it pay? Well, it's only an audition, you wouldn't do the commercial.
Like I said, how much does it pay? Well, Catherine would probably do it for 50.
I'll do it for 49.
Deal.
Oh, thank you, God, for creating suckers.
Right on.
All right now I need to send this in by noon, so we'll have to work fast.
Ready? Okay, yes.
What do I say? Here.
The basic idea is that we are a man and woman amazed by the excellence of our garage door opener.
Who says there are no good parts for women.
Here are my holiday promos, Dave.
Hey, Catherine.
Great.
And that's the last of my work, so I'm gonna take off now.
All right.
So you carded these? Some of them.
Sort of.
Not really.
No.
Well, Catherine, come on, we specifically agreed that no one would leave before they'd finished all their work.
You're right.
All right.
What--? Hi, Mommy.
Yeah, it's me.
Hi.
Well, well, no.
No, uh, it looks like, uh [SOBBING.]
Looks like I'm not gonna make it home this year, Mom.
All right, Catherine, I know.
I'll finish your promos for you.
Thanks, honey.
W-- All right, I'm gonna need the card machine-- JAMES [LAUGHING.]
: Oh, right.
Bye-bye.
Now where were we? Let's see.
Uh Bruce Springsteen.
Bruce Springsteen.
Right.
Mittens.
Check.
You know Bruce Springsteen? No, I don't.
But if he's anything like me, his hands get cold in winter.
Yeah.
Do you know who any of these people are that you're picking gifts for? No.
No, they're not my friends.
They're Mr.
James' friends.
You are in the presence of the master.
You wanna show some respect, please? Thank you very much.
David Geffen.
Ah, yesDavid Geffen.
Mm-hmm.
DAVE: Do you know who that is? No.
He owns a record company.
Okay, then some CD's.
JAMES: CD's it is.
I bow before the master.
Hey, what's up? Hey, Joe.
Hey, Joe.
Joe, uh What are you doing? Well, you know how depressing it is when you come back from Christmas and the decorations are still up? Uh-huh.
Preemptive strike, baby.
JAMES: Okay.
Where were we? Uhthe Aga Khan.
Peanut butter.
How much? Fifty pounds.
Now, that's good thinking.
Terrific.
Ciao.
Beth, come here, I've got great news.
Oh, you got the commercial? No.
We got the commercial.
As in-- What do--? You and me.
They love the tape.
They said they've been having an impossible time finding the right female voice.
Bill, I've never done any over-voicing work before, and I don't know-- It's Christmas.
It'll be fun.
I don't-- It'll be a goof.
A fun Christmas goof.
Bill, I don't-- And profitable.
A profitable, fun, snowing Christmas goof.
Eh-- Hm, you think so? You bet.
What do you say? Two crazy elves Ha.
frolicking in the profitable commercial snow! Oh, Bill, you know, you make Christmas exciting again.
[LAUGHING.]
Dave.
Hey, Dave, can I go now? I know it's kind of early.
Well, Beth, it's-- It's very early.
I know, but could-- Yeah? Well, yeah, I guess it'd be fine, so long as you've finished addressing those Christmas cards for the advertisers.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
[MUTTERING.]
[SIGHS.]
Okay, what's the problem? This garage door company wants me and Bill to over-voice their ad.
Dave, it's my one shot at my dream.
Your dream's to do commercials for garage door opener companies? Well, that or anything garage-door industry related.
Or Yeah.
But It's not gonna happen 'cause I'm a-- Well, I'm a boring secretary.
I'm not a-- I'm not a glamorous garage-door opener endorser or anything like that.
I'm just fine.
I don't know what I'm thinking.
All right, bring me the cards.
Dave, thank you so much.
Thank you.
I already addressed so many that my hand is killing me.
Beth, you've done three.
I know.
I think there's something really wrong with my hand, seriously.
Merry Christmas.
[.]
MAN: All right, let's, uh-- Let's give it a go here.
This is take one.
[PRESSES BUTTON.]
The garage door is opening, and yet I don't hear anything.
That's because it's a Dream Come True.
What do you mean, a "dream come true"? Dream Come True garage door opener, silly.
What a great Christmas gift.
This really is a dream come true! Actual garage unit does not include installation or maintenance.
No longer affiliated with Dream Come True Carpet Steamer Inc.
Prices may vary.
Uh, cut.
Great.
Now you've made him mad.
You can't ad lib like that.
I just added the word "silly.
" BILL: That's okay.
You didn't know.
All right, let's, uh Let's try one more time.
And, Beth, that-- That "silly," that was a great touch.
Do that again this time, all right? Okay.
And Ready to go? Uh, no, actually, I'm-- I'm kind of busy.
I have to address these envelopes.
Oh, well, can't go.
Too bad.
No, no, no.
I booked us on a later flight.
What? Yeah, I booked us on a later flight.
Oh.
Yeah, I just have to address these for Beth, uh, then I have to cart Catherine's holiday promos, and then I have to do the ratings graphs, so I've booked us on the 11:30 flight.
So congratulations your sentence has been commuted to 8 hours.
You know you're standing under the mistletoe.
Okay, Joe, you got me.
But no tongue.
All right, tongue.
Not you.
What do you mean, a "dream come true"? Dream Come True garage door opener, silly.
What a great Christmas gift.
This is a dream come true.
Actual garage unit does not include--- MAN: Hold on, hold on, hold on.
The chemistry between you two just-- It's-- It's really-- It's not working.
I think we're gonna have to mix this up a little bit.
Oh, okay.
What does that mean, "mix it up"? They're gonna try someone different.
I'm sorry, Beth, uh It's-- It's-- It's-- It happens to the best of us.
Shoot.
MAN: Well, let's just try, uh, Roger and Beth.
What? What's that? Uh, we're-- We're gonna try, uh, Beth and Roger Jordan.
If-- You know, just Sure.
Okay.
Why not? [SIGHS.]
I can't believe this.
Oh, my God, Bill, I'm so sorry.
I feel so horrible.
Well, it's no big deal.
This ad's smalltime.
Better off without it.
Hm.
Blessing in disguise.
Right Uh, Bill? Bill, looks like we're gonna give you another chance.
I won't let you down.
Wait, uh Uh, R-Roger just showed up.
Uh, never mind.
Sorry.
Ha.
That makes two blessings.
I'm a lucky man.
[BANG.]
[.]
Bill, I feel terrible.
If I had known they were gonna think I was so good, I would not have been so good.
Ah, don't worry about it.
[SIGHS.]
Granted, this means I'll spend Christmas Day weeping into a sofa cushion.
But that's really not unusual for me, so Bill, if you can't do it, I'm not gonna do it.
Excuse me, Steve, [STAMMERS.]
It's all right.
She didn't-- I'm not very comfortable--- Don't do anything foolish.
Don't do anything foolish.
If you quit, you don't get paid.
You can use the money, right? Yeah, but I-I-I-- Yeah [SIGHS.]
Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.
What if there's no chemistry between me and this Roger guy? Oh, there will be.
He's a pro.
One of the best.
No, what I'm saying is what if there's no chemistry between me and this Roger guy? Not a chance.
He's good, you're good.
No, Bill, what I'm saying is, what if I screw it up with him, so they have to use you? What if I do that? Oh.
Yeah.
Give that a shot.
Okay.
Hey, hey, hey! Bill, how you doing? Nice to see you.
That's great.
You're looking great.
[SIGHS.]
I finished tearing down all the decorations, and I, uh, threw away the Christmas tree.
Uh-huh.
Now you can go fire Bob Cratchit and kick Tiny Tim in the leg.
Can I leave early? Have you defrosted the fridge? Yeah, I set it on defrost right before I came in here.
Mm-hmm.
Did you throw out all the food that was in the fridge? Yeah.
No, you didn't.
Come on, man, I'll do it after the break.
The food's gonna spoil and go rotten over the break.
It's spoiled and rotten already, so, what's the point? All right, Joe, forget about the fridge, I'll take care of it.
Just get out of here before I change my mind.
Thanks, chief.
All right, merry Christmas.
You too, man.
All right.
Uh Uh Joe, you-- No-- You know what, Joe I am gonna change my mind.
I have too much work to do, Joe.
You're-- You're gonna have to take care of the fridge by yourself, okay? Joe? That's because it's a D-- [LAUGHS.]
That's because it's a sil--- I-it's a silly dream that's coming true or--? Why would I--? Is it--? [SCOTTISH ACCENT.]
That's because it's a Dream Come True.
[GRUFFLY.]
That's because it's a Dream Come True.
[LAUGHS.]
That's because-- You're doing it again.
You're-- Stop it.
That's because It's a Dream Come Tru-u-ue [MUMBLING.]
That's because it's a Dream Come True.
That's because-- Ah.
Sorry.
That's because it's a Dream Come True, heh.
Ow.
Jeez, we can't-- [SOBBING.]
That's because it's a Dream-- That's because It's a Dream Come True That's because it's a Dream Come True, dumbass.
[SQUEAKING GIBBERISH.]
[COUGHS.]
Mm.
You have anything to spit in? No.
[SQUEAKING.]
That's because it's a Dream Come True.
Silly! Okay, why don't we take a little, short break right here, so I can walk outside and kick a hole in the wall? Be right back.
Excuse me.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[MUTTERING HOARSELY.]
[COUGHS.]
Look, you did your best, but I don't think he's buying it.
[HOARSELY.]
Thank you.
No, no, just do it right with Roger and let's get out of here.
No, I can't.
No, really, I don't mind.
At least one of us will get paid.
[HOARSELY.]
I can't because my voice is shot.
What? I said, my voice is shot.
One more time.
I-I can't, because I think my voice is shot.
Uno más.
You're sure you don't mind doing all this? Oh, no, not at all.
Okay, great.
Here's all the raw data you're gonna need.
Uh-huh.
And these are the Christmas cards.
I mean, most people like to leave for Christmas break early.
I like to leave late.
Yeah, uh-huh.
And here's Catherine's tapes.
Good, good, good.
All right? You know, I spend Christmas with my aunt out on Long Island.
Uh-huh.
And if I leave now, I'll be in traffic forever.
I don't care.
Dave.
Uh-huh? Um, before you go, being Christmas and all, and Yeah? Well, since I'm helping you out with all this, um Okay, yes, you can sit at my desk and pretend to be me while I'm gone.
Thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
[IMITATES DAVE.]
More coffee, Beth.
[CHUCKLES.]
Matthew, hey You're my favorite employee.
And you are my very, very best friend.
Hey, there he is! Oh, hey.
There he is.
Just the guy I was looking for.
I just realized there's one person on this list that I haven't dealt with yet.
Really? Who? It's you.
It is you, son.
What? Yeah, and you know what I'm giving you? Mittens.
No.
No.
Even better.
Even better.
I am giving you a helicopter ride to your aunt's on Long Island, so you don't have to sit in traffic.
No.
Yeah, come on.
No, no, no.
The chopper's on the roof.
Dave, is that okay? Sure.
As long as you have finished all your work.
Nah, go on, go on.
No, it isn't.
Yeah, good.
[.]
Okay, let's go.
Huh? Uh, I thought you didn't wanna go.
Well, I didn't, but at this point, we're down to about and if anything goes wrong, I can justlock myself in the bathroom.
Um, fine.
You promise not to use the decorative soaps? Yes.
Then this is gonna be the best Christmas ever.
WOMAN: That's because it's a Dream Come True.
What do you mean, a Dream Come True? [IN WOMAN'S VOICE.]
Dream Come True garage door openers, silly.
What a great Christmas gift.
This is a dream come true.
Actual garage unit does not include installation or maintenance.
No longer affiliated with Dream Come True Carpet Steamer Inc.
Prices may vary.
That is great.
That is a wrap.
All right, thanks, Bill.
No offense, but that's the weirdest thing I've ever seen anyone do.
[WOMAN'S VOICE.]
Screw you.
[.]
I can't believe it.
It's so beautiful out here.
Yeah? I can't believe that damn flight was delayed so long.
Oh, come on, relax.
We made it in time for dinner.
Uh-huh.
All right.
Come on in.
Hello? Surprise.
Hey.
Hey, there, boy.
Hey.
Oh, look, you can tell he really misses you.
I've never seen this dog before in my life.
They must have-- They must have just gotten him.
Hey, what a nice dog.
Hey.
Hello? Hello, everybody.
Well, there's nobody here.
Well, maybe they're out back.
Yeah, that's right They're out back having a barbecue in the snow.
Well, I'm sorry, I don't know how you people do things around here.
Uh Oh, hi, hi.
Aunt Marilyn? Yes.
Yeah, hi-- It's David, yes.
Yes.
Are-- Are-- Are my parents there by any chance? Yes.
Oh, they are? They are? Oh, that's great.
Yeah, I wish-- I wish, uh, somebody had told me we were doing Christmas Eve at your place this year.
Oh, me? No, nothing, nothing special.
Just sitting here in my apartment in New York City.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
No, don't-- Don't bring them to the phone.
I'll call back later.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Mer-- Merry Christmas.
Well, okay, let's just-- Let's drive over to your Aunt Marilyn's.
You don't wanna do that.
No, we don't have time.
No, we do.
She lives in Chicago.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Dave.
That's all right.
So how much time do we have before we have to go back to the airport? Um, I told the cab driver to honk when we had to leave.
Okay.
All right.
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry, Dave.
Hm? No, that's What the hell, huh? It's still Christmas, right? Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
[HORN HONKS.]
Yeah.
There's our ride.
Oh.
Okay, well Hey, hold on.
Uh Okay.
Uh, come in close.
Ready? Ready? [PRESSES BUTTON.]
All right.
Now at least they'll know we tried, right? There.
Let's go.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[.]
[.]
My grandmother just passed away.
Thanks for reminding me.
She did? No.
No, I'm joking.
That's my big dead grandmother joke.
Ha, ha, ha.
Funny, funny, funny.
I-- Um, Bill, I'm sorry.
I had-- I had no idea.
I [LAUGHING.]
No, I was joking.
She's not really dead.
[LAUGHING.]
[SIGHS.]
Good one.
Where was I? You were gonna tell us that we can't leave early today.
No, I was gonna say if you need to leave early, that's fine by me.
This is so bogus.
What? I-- I mean, everyone's been working very hard to get their work done ahead of time, so if you need to go, feel free.
Well, thank you, David.
Thanks.
All right.
Uh, under one condition, though, that we will all get our work done before we leave.
All right? Fair enough? Yeah.
BETH: Yes.
Well, if there's nothing else, then merry Christmas.
Oh, wait, wait.
Peopleplease.
There is one more thing.
I'd like to officially invite you over to my desk for a little Christmas surprise.
Na, na, na, na, naa Hey Matthew's little world.
BILL: Ha.
And, Mr.
Garrelli, if you'd like to do the honors this year Who? Joe.
Your last name is Garrelli.
Yeah.
Huh.
Oh, okay, wait.
Hm? Try-- Try it again.
Are these tracks steel or copper? I don't know.
I don't-- How could I tell? Well, if they're copper, they'll taste like a penny.
No, more like a nickel.
[SIGHS.]
I couldn't do it to him.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
Couldn't what? Couldn't do what? What? [LAUGHS.]
When you bent over to lick the tracks, man, I was gonna turn the juice on, and it would have shocked you.
But I just couldn't.
Merry Christmas, dude.
Is it a strong shock? Not really.
Let's do it.
[BUZZ.]
Oh! Again, again, again.
[BUZZ.]
[.]
Okay, I've got it all worked out.
I just finish doing these ratings graphs, and we take a cab out to the airport, hop on a plane to Milwaukee, drive to my parents' house and surprise everybody.
We have to leave early, right? 'Cause we have to get back to work the skeleton shift, right? Yes, we take the red eye right after dinner.
Right after dinner.
Uh-huh.
We're likeout of there.
Yes.
Yes, you will spend no more than 12 hours with my parents.
Uh-huh.
I promise.
Don't we lose a couple hours flying over the time zones, or If you don't wanna go, just say so.
I do wanna go.
Y-- No, you don't.
I do.
I really do wanna go.
I'm sorry, I'm just nervous.
It's awkward.
You knowmeeting your boyfriend's parents.
What-- What if I panic and just start screaming obscenities or something? Well, then I'll explain that my girlfriend Lisa couldn't make it, and you're just some whore I picked up at the airport.
Look, I'm-- What? I'm very serious.
What if I say the wrong thing? Like what? You tell me.
Tell you what, I'll prepare a dossier and bring you up to speed once we're in the air.
Hey, kids.
Matthew in here? Uh, no, he's not, sir.
Oh.
[SIGHS.]
Uh, can we help you? No, I need Matthew.
Mm-hmm.
What for? Well, it's like this Ever have to buy a present for a man who has everything? LISA: We have to buy a present for you every year.
Yeah, exactly, exactly.
Thanks, by the way, for that necktie this year.
I didn't have one of those.
I cherish that.
I still don't see what you need Matthew for.
Oh, well, let's see On my Christmas list, I got about 70 guys who have everything, and Matthew manages to pick out gifts that they don't already have.
Mr.
James, you looking for me? Oh, there you are.
All right, let's continue.
Bill Gates.
Ball of string.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, Rupert Murdoch.
Potter's wheel.
Uh, Rupert Murdock gets a potter's wheel? Oh, yeah.
Rupert still calls about the shower slippers that Matthew picked out for him last year.
Rupert's a funny name.
Rupert.
All right.
Now, come on, Computo, I gotta get something for Ted Turner here.
Let's hear it.
Okay, um A gold-plated hand puppet of a monkey.
No, we got him that last year.
No, I know.
He needs-- He needs another one so they can [CLUCKING.]
Amazing.
Catherine Just the person I'm looking for.
Why is that? I'm making an audition tape for a voiceover commercial, and I need someone to play the part of the wife.
Naturally, I thought of you.
No way.
Hey, hey, come on, Catherine Lisa, just the person I'm looking for.
I'm making an audition tape for a voiceover commercial, and I need someone to play the part of the wife.
Naturally, I thought of you.
Come on, Lisa.
Lisa Beth, just the person I'm looking for.
Huh? I'm making an audition tape for a voiceover commercial, and I need someone to read the part of the wife.
Naturally, I thought of you.
You thought of me? Bill, that is so sweet.
Thank you.
How much does it pay? Well, it's only an audition, you wouldn't do the commercial.
Like I said, how much does it pay? Well, Catherine would probably do it for 50.
I'll do it for 49.
Deal.
Oh, thank you, God, for creating suckers.
Right on.
All right now I need to send this in by noon, so we'll have to work fast.
Ready? Okay, yes.
What do I say? Here.
The basic idea is that we are a man and woman amazed by the excellence of our garage door opener.
Who says there are no good parts for women.
Here are my holiday promos, Dave.
Hey, Catherine.
Great.
And that's the last of my work, so I'm gonna take off now.
All right.
So you carded these? Some of them.
Sort of.
Not really.
No.
Well, Catherine, come on, we specifically agreed that no one would leave before they'd finished all their work.
You're right.
All right.
What--? Hi, Mommy.
Yeah, it's me.
Hi.
Well, well, no.
No, uh, it looks like, uh [SOBBING.]
Looks like I'm not gonna make it home this year, Mom.
All right, Catherine, I know.
I'll finish your promos for you.
Thanks, honey.
W-- All right, I'm gonna need the card machine-- JAMES [LAUGHING.]
: Oh, right.
Bye-bye.
Now where were we? Let's see.
Uh Bruce Springsteen.
Bruce Springsteen.
Right.
Mittens.
Check.
You know Bruce Springsteen? No, I don't.
But if he's anything like me, his hands get cold in winter.
Yeah.
Do you know who any of these people are that you're picking gifts for? No.
No, they're not my friends.
They're Mr.
James' friends.
You are in the presence of the master.
You wanna show some respect, please? Thank you very much.
David Geffen.
Ah, yesDavid Geffen.
Mm-hmm.
DAVE: Do you know who that is? No.
He owns a record company.
Okay, then some CD's.
JAMES: CD's it is.
I bow before the master.
Hey, what's up? Hey, Joe.
Hey, Joe.
Joe, uh What are you doing? Well, you know how depressing it is when you come back from Christmas and the decorations are still up? Uh-huh.
Preemptive strike, baby.
JAMES: Okay.
Where were we? Uhthe Aga Khan.
Peanut butter.
How much? Fifty pounds.
Now, that's good thinking.
Terrific.
Ciao.
Beth, come here, I've got great news.
Oh, you got the commercial? No.
We got the commercial.
As in-- What do--? You and me.
They love the tape.
They said they've been having an impossible time finding the right female voice.
Bill, I've never done any over-voicing work before, and I don't know-- It's Christmas.
It'll be fun.
I don't-- It'll be a goof.
A fun Christmas goof.
Bill, I don't-- And profitable.
A profitable, fun, snowing Christmas goof.
Eh-- Hm, you think so? You bet.
What do you say? Two crazy elves Ha.
frolicking in the profitable commercial snow! Oh, Bill, you know, you make Christmas exciting again.
[LAUGHING.]
Dave.
Hey, Dave, can I go now? I know it's kind of early.
Well, Beth, it's-- It's very early.
I know, but could-- Yeah? Well, yeah, I guess it'd be fine, so long as you've finished addressing those Christmas cards for the advertisers.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
[MUTTERING.]
[SIGHS.]
Okay, what's the problem? This garage door company wants me and Bill to over-voice their ad.
Dave, it's my one shot at my dream.
Your dream's to do commercials for garage door opener companies? Well, that or anything garage-door industry related.
Or Yeah.
But It's not gonna happen 'cause I'm a-- Well, I'm a boring secretary.
I'm not a-- I'm not a glamorous garage-door opener endorser or anything like that.
I'm just fine.
I don't know what I'm thinking.
All right, bring me the cards.
Dave, thank you so much.
Thank you.
I already addressed so many that my hand is killing me.
Beth, you've done three.
I know.
I think there's something really wrong with my hand, seriously.
Merry Christmas.
[.]
MAN: All right, let's, uh-- Let's give it a go here.
This is take one.
[PRESSES BUTTON.]
The garage door is opening, and yet I don't hear anything.
That's because it's a Dream Come True.
What do you mean, a "dream come true"? Dream Come True garage door opener, silly.
What a great Christmas gift.
This really is a dream come true! Actual garage unit does not include installation or maintenance.
No longer affiliated with Dream Come True Carpet Steamer Inc.
Prices may vary.
Uh, cut.
Great.
Now you've made him mad.
You can't ad lib like that.
I just added the word "silly.
" BILL: That's okay.
You didn't know.
All right, let's, uh Let's try one more time.
And, Beth, that-- That "silly," that was a great touch.
Do that again this time, all right? Okay.
And Ready to go? Uh, no, actually, I'm-- I'm kind of busy.
I have to address these envelopes.
Oh, well, can't go.
Too bad.
No, no, no.
I booked us on a later flight.
What? Yeah, I booked us on a later flight.
Oh.
Yeah, I just have to address these for Beth, uh, then I have to cart Catherine's holiday promos, and then I have to do the ratings graphs, so I've booked us on the 11:30 flight.
So congratulations your sentence has been commuted to 8 hours.
You know you're standing under the mistletoe.
Okay, Joe, you got me.
But no tongue.
All right, tongue.
Not you.
What do you mean, a "dream come true"? Dream Come True garage door opener, silly.
What a great Christmas gift.
This is a dream come true.
Actual garage unit does not include--- MAN: Hold on, hold on, hold on.
The chemistry between you two just-- It's-- It's really-- It's not working.
I think we're gonna have to mix this up a little bit.
Oh, okay.
What does that mean, "mix it up"? They're gonna try someone different.
I'm sorry, Beth, uh It's-- It's-- It's-- It happens to the best of us.
Shoot.
MAN: Well, let's just try, uh, Roger and Beth.
What? What's that? Uh, we're-- We're gonna try, uh, Beth and Roger Jordan.
If-- You know, just Sure.
Okay.
Why not? [SIGHS.]
I can't believe this.
Oh, my God, Bill, I'm so sorry.
I feel so horrible.
Well, it's no big deal.
This ad's smalltime.
Better off without it.
Hm.
Blessing in disguise.
Right Uh, Bill? Bill, looks like we're gonna give you another chance.
I won't let you down.
Wait, uh Uh, R-Roger just showed up.
Uh, never mind.
Sorry.
Ha.
That makes two blessings.
I'm a lucky man.
[BANG.]
[.]
Bill, I feel terrible.
If I had known they were gonna think I was so good, I would not have been so good.
Ah, don't worry about it.
[SIGHS.]
Granted, this means I'll spend Christmas Day weeping into a sofa cushion.
But that's really not unusual for me, so Bill, if you can't do it, I'm not gonna do it.
Excuse me, Steve, [STAMMERS.]
It's all right.
She didn't-- I'm not very comfortable--- Don't do anything foolish.
Don't do anything foolish.
If you quit, you don't get paid.
You can use the money, right? Yeah, but I-I-I-- Yeah [SIGHS.]
Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.
What if there's no chemistry between me and this Roger guy? Oh, there will be.
He's a pro.
One of the best.
No, what I'm saying is what if there's no chemistry between me and this Roger guy? Not a chance.
He's good, you're good.
No, Bill, what I'm saying is, what if I screw it up with him, so they have to use you? What if I do that? Oh.
Yeah.
Give that a shot.
Okay.
Hey, hey, hey! Bill, how you doing? Nice to see you.
That's great.
You're looking great.
[SIGHS.]
I finished tearing down all the decorations, and I, uh, threw away the Christmas tree.
Uh-huh.
Now you can go fire Bob Cratchit and kick Tiny Tim in the leg.
Can I leave early? Have you defrosted the fridge? Yeah, I set it on defrost right before I came in here.
Mm-hmm.
Did you throw out all the food that was in the fridge? Yeah.
No, you didn't.
Come on, man, I'll do it after the break.
The food's gonna spoil and go rotten over the break.
It's spoiled and rotten already, so, what's the point? All right, Joe, forget about the fridge, I'll take care of it.
Just get out of here before I change my mind.
Thanks, chief.
All right, merry Christmas.
You too, man.
All right.
Uh Uh Joe, you-- No-- You know what, Joe I am gonna change my mind.
I have too much work to do, Joe.
You're-- You're gonna have to take care of the fridge by yourself, okay? Joe? That's because it's a D-- [LAUGHS.]
That's because it's a sil--- I-it's a silly dream that's coming true or--? Why would I--? Is it--? [SCOTTISH ACCENT.]
That's because it's a Dream Come True.
[GRUFFLY.]
That's because it's a Dream Come True.
[LAUGHS.]
That's because-- You're doing it again.
You're-- Stop it.
That's because It's a Dream Come Tru-u-ue [MUMBLING.]
That's because it's a Dream Come True.
That's because-- Ah.
Sorry.
That's because it's a Dream Come True, heh.
Ow.
Jeez, we can't-- [SOBBING.]
That's because it's a Dream-- That's because It's a Dream Come True That's because it's a Dream Come True, dumbass.
[SQUEAKING GIBBERISH.]
[COUGHS.]
Mm.
You have anything to spit in? No.
[SQUEAKING.]
That's because it's a Dream Come True.
Silly! Okay, why don't we take a little, short break right here, so I can walk outside and kick a hole in the wall? Be right back.
Excuse me.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[MUTTERING HOARSELY.]
[COUGHS.]
Look, you did your best, but I don't think he's buying it.
[HOARSELY.]
Thank you.
No, no, just do it right with Roger and let's get out of here.
No, I can't.
No, really, I don't mind.
At least one of us will get paid.
[HOARSELY.]
I can't because my voice is shot.
What? I said, my voice is shot.
One more time.
I-I can't, because I think my voice is shot.
Uno más.
You're sure you don't mind doing all this? Oh, no, not at all.
Okay, great.
Here's all the raw data you're gonna need.
Uh-huh.
And these are the Christmas cards.
I mean, most people like to leave for Christmas break early.
I like to leave late.
Yeah, uh-huh.
And here's Catherine's tapes.
Good, good, good.
All right? You know, I spend Christmas with my aunt out on Long Island.
Uh-huh.
And if I leave now, I'll be in traffic forever.
I don't care.
Dave.
Uh-huh? Um, before you go, being Christmas and all, and Yeah? Well, since I'm helping you out with all this, um Okay, yes, you can sit at my desk and pretend to be me while I'm gone.
Thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
[IMITATES DAVE.]
More coffee, Beth.
[CHUCKLES.]
Matthew, hey You're my favorite employee.
And you are my very, very best friend.
Hey, there he is! Oh, hey.
There he is.
Just the guy I was looking for.
I just realized there's one person on this list that I haven't dealt with yet.
Really? Who? It's you.
It is you, son.
What? Yeah, and you know what I'm giving you? Mittens.
No.
No.
Even better.
Even better.
I am giving you a helicopter ride to your aunt's on Long Island, so you don't have to sit in traffic.
No.
Yeah, come on.
No, no, no.
The chopper's on the roof.
Dave, is that okay? Sure.
As long as you have finished all your work.
Nah, go on, go on.
No, it isn't.
Yeah, good.
[.]
Okay, let's go.
Huh? Uh, I thought you didn't wanna go.
Well, I didn't, but at this point, we're down to about and if anything goes wrong, I can justlock myself in the bathroom.
Um, fine.
You promise not to use the decorative soaps? Yes.
Then this is gonna be the best Christmas ever.
WOMAN: That's because it's a Dream Come True.
What do you mean, a Dream Come True? [IN WOMAN'S VOICE.]
Dream Come True garage door openers, silly.
What a great Christmas gift.
This is a dream come true.
Actual garage unit does not include installation or maintenance.
No longer affiliated with Dream Come True Carpet Steamer Inc.
Prices may vary.
That is great.
That is a wrap.
All right, thanks, Bill.
No offense, but that's the weirdest thing I've ever seen anyone do.
[WOMAN'S VOICE.]
Screw you.
[.]
I can't believe it.
It's so beautiful out here.
Yeah? I can't believe that damn flight was delayed so long.
Oh, come on, relax.
We made it in time for dinner.
Uh-huh.
All right.
Come on in.
Hello? Surprise.
Hey.
Hey, there, boy.
Hey.
Oh, look, you can tell he really misses you.
I've never seen this dog before in my life.
They must have-- They must have just gotten him.
Hey, what a nice dog.
Hey.
Hello? Hello, everybody.
Well, there's nobody here.
Well, maybe they're out back.
Yeah, that's right They're out back having a barbecue in the snow.
Well, I'm sorry, I don't know how you people do things around here.
Uh Oh, hi, hi.
Aunt Marilyn? Yes.
Yeah, hi-- It's David, yes.
Yes.
Are-- Are-- Are my parents there by any chance? Yes.
Oh, they are? They are? Oh, that's great.
Yeah, I wish-- I wish, uh, somebody had told me we were doing Christmas Eve at your place this year.
Oh, me? No, nothing, nothing special.
Just sitting here in my apartment in New York City.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
No, don't-- Don't bring them to the phone.
I'll call back later.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Mer-- Merry Christmas.
Well, okay, let's just-- Let's drive over to your Aunt Marilyn's.
You don't wanna do that.
No, we don't have time.
No, we do.
She lives in Chicago.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Dave.
That's all right.
So how much time do we have before we have to go back to the airport? Um, I told the cab driver to honk when we had to leave.
Okay.
All right.
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry, Dave.
Hm? No, that's What the hell, huh? It's still Christmas, right? Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
[HORN HONKS.]
Yeah.
There's our ride.
Oh.
Okay, well Hey, hold on.
Uh Okay.
Uh, come in close.
Ready? Ready? [PRESSES BUTTON.]
All right.
Now at least they'll know we tried, right? There.
Let's go.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[.]
[.]