Night Court (2023) s03e10 Episode Script

1
These two are charged
with destruction of property
at a public pool.
Your Honor, these newlyweds
were so overcome with joy,
they wanted to take
the plunge, literally.
And there's such a sweet air
of mystery still about them.
She had no idea he couldn't swim.
Not only did they damage the pool filter
by jumping in with their cake,
but they also completely disrupted
a synchronized swim practice.
$200 fine.
And if you're that good on land,
you don't need practice.
Gurgs, gonna get these people?
I found them guilty,
and I'm getting uncomfortable.
I'm here. What'd I miss?
Oh, did y'all show up wet,
or did this just happen?
I'm so sorry.
I'm just trying to fit
in some chief bailiff work.
Some promotion you got.
You're still a full time bailiff,
but with 10 times the paperwork.
You should get an assistant.
They handle all the paperwork,
and they agree with you
even when they're not listening.
- Right, Wyatt?
- Nailed it again, Judge.
I do have an assistant,
but I don't want to bother her.
Flobert's supposed to be helping me,
but so far, all he's done
was eat my lunch.
You asked me
to take things off your plate.
And you know those doctors diagnosed me
as clinically literal.
Dan, is that your will?
You know, you don't have to
write people out of it by name.
Yeah. No, these are my memoirs.
I've always wanted to collect
my best dinner party stories
and charge money for them.
"August 1984.
Mistaken for Richard Gere yet again."
By a defendant who was blind.
And stupid.
My God, Roz, what a surprise!
Just looking for somebody who
could say great things about me.
Well, keep looking, Fielding.
Runaway groom! Somebody get him!
[GROANS]
Is that guy okay,
or should we call an ambulance?
Nailed it again, Judge.
Dude, you got to listen sometimes.
You know, Roz, seeing you
level that groom took me back
to a simpler time.
Do you remember when the
only candy store in Times Square
was that guy named Electric Larry,
with his pants full of pills?
So what brings you back here, Roz?
Did you miss me, or
Actually, I can't think
of any other options.
I missed you, too.
I'm here to yell at people.
Oh, hey. I got a list.
Starting with Sandy from
the death certificate office,
stealing my look.
Hey. Yeah, Sandy! I'm looking at you.
City claims I'm three days
short of qualifying
for my pension.
Apparently, hiding in a bunker
is not an approved absence.
Stupid Y2K.
Don't get me started on Y2K.
That night, I drank tang
like there was no tomorrow,
grabbed my cousin and
had my first kiss on the lips.
You know, in some ways,
I wish the world had ended.
What am I going to do about this?
Have you considered blackmail?
All we need is some doctored
pictures of those pension nerds
high fiving Bernie Madoff.
You did use
those Photoshop classes I got
you for Christmas.
We don't need to blackmail anyone.
I got a better idea.
Come on out.
And if you feel the urge
to twirl, twirl, girl.
I don't twirl.
Keep it together, Gurgs.
You're her boss now.
Oh, she can hear this.
This is the perfect solution.
You help us out for a few days,
and you get your pension.
Another great thing about you being back
is we can send you off in style.
What better way to cap off your
career than throwing you a
Briefcase full of cash.
Close. A cafeteria full of fun.
How about we throw you
a retirement party?
Whatever.
Okay. Indifference. Not rejection.
Are we becoming friends?
Can I call you Aunt Roz?
Because my actual aunt
stopped talking to me
after I kissed her son
and ruined her New Year's party.
The more you talk about it,
the more I think
that wasn't a one time thing.
Ms. Russell.
Very nice to see you
in your dress blues again.
Oh, now, here is something
I never thought I'd be saying
again in my lifetime.
Judge Stone, Roz, see you in court.
If I'd have known
this would make him happy,
I never would have done it.
And it was a one time thing.
With that cousin.
This one's ready.
Gurgs.
That's the guy
who broke into the SoulCycle
to suck all the towels.
He was sentenced to community
service. I'm the community.
Why aren't you using your assistant?
If you don't give her something to do,
you can't tell her she did it wrong.
I just feel uncomfortable
asking her for things.
- What?
- Come on,
let's get you some water.
This one barely shut.
- I'm Dan Fielding.
- I'm Madison.
I already know too much.
Gurgs says you work for me now.
And she says I need coffee,
black, two sugars,
and no chit chat with the barista.
That's a gateway to tipping.
All rise.
Manhattan Criminal Court
part two is now in session.
The Honorable Abby T. Stone presiding.
You know, the T is for Tormé.
No, I didn't know that, but I assumed.
Hey, no eating in the courtroom.
Oh, this isn't food. This is my purse.
Sorry, I have to take this.
Hello?
Would you mind? This is personal.
It is now being, Beanpole.
The People versus Ben Fisk,
who has been charged
with the disturbing the peace
at a movie theater.
The defendant created
a scene in the theater
which completely ruined Wes Anderson's
latest attempt
to entertain white people.
Your Honor, my client
suffers from a self-diagnosed
condition called car dealership
tubeman syndrome.
Observe.
Can you imagine trying to
appreciate Jason Schwartzman's
nuanced performance with this
in front of you?
So sad. So real.
So not buying it.
Though I do have a sudden urge
to test drive a Kia Sorento.
All right, $500 fine.
And we're going to have to
somehow re-restrain you.
I got it.
Hey. Ah! Ow!
My elbows don't go that way.
You're elbows
go where I tell them to go.
- Ah!
- Don't be a baby.
So Roz is pretty scary, huh?
She's the most intense person
I've ever met without a face tattoo.
Bailiffing tactics were a little more
hands on in the '80s.
I guess someone should talk to her.
Well, I am her boss, so I can do it.
Y'all got a janitor? The arm guy popped.
You're gonna have to talk to her.
Maybe I'll use the lost art
of the handwritten note.
Fine. I'll talk to her.
Roz, we need to talk.
Is there about that guy's hairdresser?
In his defense, bison have
pulled off that look for years.
I think that's the only human
who could win the Westminster dog show.
[LAUGHS]
Hey, Stone, that's not bad.
Not bad? That's almost good.
What do you call that nerd's look?
Professor Cleared of All Charges?
You look like a professor
from "Good Will Hunting."
Not the movie. I mean, that
it looks like you went hunting
for that sweater at Goodwill.
I usually don't feel bad here
until after I eat.
You know, you've somehow managed to
remove fun from cruelty.
I'm sorry. Roz invited me to
hang out with the cool seniors.
Legitimate seniors.
At least Roz knows your name.
She keeps calling me Fobert,
and I'm too scared to correct her.
What if she changes my birthday?
I love being a June baby.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
What the hell are you doing?
Did you not see the line?
Well, lines are made to be cut.
Lunch lines. Conga lines. Brake lines.
Snip, snip.
You know, you got
a real problem with authority.
And I got a real problem with that.
Sorry. Was that your purse?
All right, you do something
about Sergeant Tube Socks,
or I will.
Oh, if she pulled this in prison,
she couldn't buy her safety with
a whole carton of cigarettes.
I don't know anything
about a prison economy,
but that sounds bad.
All right, I'll rein Roz in,
but I need to throw someone
under the bus,
get ready to eat tire.
I've been thrown under a bus once.
It wasn't that bad.
"Chapter five, 1987, August.
The city was hot, but I was hotter.
A strikingly handsome young lawyer in
head to toe seersucker."
- Hi, Mr. Fielding.
- Huh?
So I got the focus group research back.
For your book title,
"A Dan for All Seasons"
narrowly beat out "Fielding of Dreams."
But to be clear,
people hated both of them.
So, um
any progress on
my choice to write the foreword?
It can be any Barack Obama.
It doesn't have to be the main one.
You know,
I read some of your manuscript.
- It's riveting.
- Oh.
If I had one small note
Yeah, one small note would be too many.
Sorry. Just got excited.
My daddy runs Peterman Publishing,
and he never lets me read anything.
Not even a sneak peek
of the Ray Charles biography.
I had to find out he was
blind with everyone else.
Peterman Publishing?
They released
the Jacques Cousteau memoir
where he admitted
how much he loved eating fish.
You know, I wouldn't mind if you
showed my memoir to your father.
You can mention that the
foreword is going to be written
by "a Barack Obama."
Well, I'd have to read it first.
And I have all this work to do.
Not to mention I'm planning my
best friend's bachelorette party.
[RING TONE PLAYING]
That's her calling now.
No, no, you know what?
My book is calling.
No, you go read. I'll take care of this.
Go. It's fine. Yes. Hi. Madison's phone.
Hi. I'm sorry. She's presently occupied.
Just consider me your maid of honor.
Now, what city have you
always wanted to throw up in?
- Okay, we got this.
- Totally.
You're not gonna do that thing
where you say you're gonna
stand up to Roz
and then immediately bail, right?
Absolutely not.
This time, I'm going to cave
before she even gets here.
You're the best. Don't ever change.
[SNIFFS]
- You wanted to see me?
- Yeah. Yeah.
I just wanted to do a little check in,
see if there was any, uh,
issues we needed to hammer out.
Why? Does somebody have
a problem with me?
Do you have a problem with me?
"Problem" is such a problematic word.
Listen, I know I said this would
just be a few days, but still,
I think there's an opportunity
here to learn and grow.
Oh, you think I have
an opportunity to grow here?
Yeah, absolutely.
Just need to really commit
yourself to it.
Wow. Alright.
See what you're putting out there.
And
I accept.
I would love to work here permanently.
Is that what you think
I was putting out there?
That's not a good sign.
It's technically a banner.
No, the fact that it says
"un-retirement."
Hey, friends.
I was hoping you would hear
this from me and not the banner,
but I made an executive decision
due to a slight misunderstanding
to hire Roz forever.
You're killing me, Abby.
Look what I had to do
to stay off of Roz's radar.
I asked an underpaid teen to style me.
He called this look
"Whatever you want. I don't care, man."
I warned you to do
something about Roz, or I would.
So I'm going to tell you the same thing
that I told the prison chaplain.
I don't believe in hell.
I am doing something.
This party is the first step
in bringing us all together.
And what's the second step?
Step two?
Uh, being the type of leader,
uh, who listens.
So who has a great idea?
- Fire Roz.
- Kidnap her wife and make her
fall in love with me.
Okay, you both failed step two.
Look, Roz is family,
and you don't kick out family.
No matter how many comments
they make about your weight.
Don't worry.
Roz is about to get Julianne-ed.
Wait, are you just using
your name as a verb,
or are you going to cut her
up like carrots?
Oh, I would never do that
to carrots. I like carrots.
All right, all right.
So you promise this
bachelorette dinner will have
nude servers?
Very important to us. Okay.
Tell the bride to be that
all the waiters will be naked.
Although the manager did warn me
that you'll regret
that with two of them.
Thanks, bestie. And did you
Pick up your Adderall? You bet.
Now, if you need more,
I'll just go to the schoolyard
and find the rich kids whose
parents don't really check in.
I cannot wait to keep reading.
I think daddy's gonna
love the three chapters
where you debunk the joys of travel.
Yeah, come on. What is Europe except
a bunch of crap coveted moss?
Oh. And islands? We get it.
Your sand is different.
I can't read in here.
You are too inspiring.
[LAUGHS]
[RING TONE PLAYING]
- Madison's phone.
- Yes, can you ask
Madison if it's a dairy cheat day?
I'm getting us boba.
- Flobert.
- I'll be with you in a second.
I'm on the phone.
Yeah. With me!
Oh, Dan!
Since when are you Gurgs'
assistant's assistant?
Since I found out that her
dad can get me something I want.
You are a genius.
You're always playing
three dimensional chess.
That's just chess.
Chess and mate.
Hold on one second.
If you think it's a good idea,
then I'm definitely being scammed.
Have y'all seen Madison?
I need her to help me find
a gift for Roz and booze
to give me the courage
to give it to her.
We have bigger issues.
Her father is not head
of Peterman Publishing.
Yeah, I know that, Dan.
Her dad, is the president of the
National Bailiff's Association.
He's getting me a ticket to the
bailiff convention at Alcatraz.
That's why I haven't been asking
her to do anything for me.
We are both getting scammed.
I'll bet she doesn't even
drink the boba.
Come on, Wyatt.
You can't be that scared
of someone in a rainbow caftan.
Hey, Roz, you know, I realized
that you and Wyatt
have never had an actual conversation.
And this guy, fascinating.
Really? 'Cause he's dressed
like a Wheat Thin.
Oh, yeah? Well, you sound
like a Wheat Thin,
because I think
Wheat Thins are too salty.
I think he looks like a dapper Triscuit.
Leave the jokes to me, Fobert.
You know, Roz, this party isn't
just about welcoming you
back inside the courthouse.
It's also a chance
to welcome everyone inside you.
I'm not against a key party,
but not with this group of seven.
If I was throwing you a sex party,
there'd be so much more Gatorade.
Hey, what's Erin Brockovich
doing to my cake?
Julianne, it's a little early for cake,
and cutting it like that, it
will start something with Roz.
Oh, my God, you're
starting something with Roz.
I couldn't resist.
I want to eat your face.
Well, if anybody's going to eat my face,
it's going to be me.
Eat her eyes first.
Yeah, what do you think of my
outfit now, cake?
Fine. You can have it.
Thank you for taking the high road.
Oh!
But if you eat me, I'm gonna
pump you full of paper.
Oh. Roz, you can't point
a confetti cannon at someone.
- Says who?
- Most balloon stores!
And me!
And what are you going to do, fire me?
I might!
It's real strong maybe.
This is the woman
that you're all so afraid of?
I mean, she doesn't even have the balls
to blast me in the face.
Roz, you're fired!
But can we just take a moment
to appreciate how beautiful this is?
This is so much paperwork.
Just because one
co-worker threatened to eat
another co-worker's face.
Just came in
to turn in my badge and my taser
and this bag of batteries.
I don't even have that vibrator anymore.
I'll take those.
Roz, I'm sorry I had to let
you go at your own party,
but you gave me no choice.
Of course I didn't.
I've been trying to get fired for days.
You wanted me to fire you?
Yeah, because now
I get a pension and a big,
fat severance check.
So you played us, manipulated us,
and used us as pawns in your grift.
Respect.
Oh, nunchucks. Thanks.
Well, I should go, too.
I have so much stuff
to return to Kohl's.
It would have saved you so much time
if you just said you wanted to be fired.
But you wouldn't have done it.
Why? Because I'm not cool?
I did offer to throw
you a well-hydrated sex party.
No.
Because you're Harry's kid,
and he wouldn't have done it either.
Not even for family.
Are we the kind of family that hugs?
Calm down. I'm not your cousin.
Hi, Dan.
Um, I think there might
have been a little mistake made.
You were supposed to book our
bachelorette flights to
Tulum, Mexico,
but instead, we have tickets
to somewhere called Gastown, New Mexico.
Oh, no, you're gonna love it.
They have their own
"Thunder from Down Under."
Mostly because of the mine explosions.
Okay, but the tickets are
non-refundable and only one way.
Like our relationship
has only been one way.
You had no intention of helping us.
But I did.
I got you these tickets
to the bailiff convention
and you a book contract.
You know, just give it up, Madison.
Your dad can't be the CEO
of a fancy publishing company
and the president
of the Bailiff Association.
Unless you're going to tell
us now that you have two
- Oh, no.
- You can't trick us anymore,
- Madison.
- Gurgs.
- Huh?
- She has two dads.
I have two dads.
Maddie Moo, you ready for dinner?
Who I am not going to introduce you to.
It was nice almost meeting you.
Yeah, people can be gay.
Yeah, that's one story it's
not going to be in my memoirs.
Good. I can put it in mine.
I'll read the hell out of that one.