Nip/Tuck s03e10 Episode Script

Previously on Nip/Tuck Give up the porn business or give up the wedding.
Your choice.
This is a dangerous road.
Sean and Christian aren't going to like us seeing each other.
It's time for you to stop caring about what they think.
You're not really leaving me again, are you, sticking me with Quentin? You know I can't be in this practice with him now.
I guess you'll have to find a way.
Remind me.
Why am I doing this again? Because you love me.
Because it's my fantasy.
And because my Monique Lhuillier dress is a size zero, and I am not going to feel like the perfect bride unless I fit into it.
The things you do for love.
Hit it.
Will the bruising be bad? With micro lipo, there is no bruising.
It should heal in a day or so.
In fact, you will be feeling so good that we could duck out for a quick lunch.
No time for lunch, Christian.
I got to meet with the wedding planner.
Do you think these wedding jitters are making you a little forgetful, sweetheart? You haven't signed your fidelity pre-nup.
Ok.
I'm going to do it.
I know, I'm the one who wanted it.
It's just that I haven't had a second.
Which reminds me, you are going to have to do the cake tasting alone.
I'm fasting.
Why are you fasting? Because my dress shows every single molecule of fat.
Which I am removing as we speak.
I know.
But at this point, I will gain weight if I even look at cake.
What is the point of having a wedding if we can't enjoy this kind of stuff together? If I gain any of this weight back, nobody's going to be having fun because I'm not gonna be there.
Fine.
I'll do the tasting.
But just keep in mind if you don't sign that pre-nup and agree in writing to stop directing double entry gang-bangs, there won't even be a wedding.
Tell me what you don't like about yourself, Ms.
Berg.
I'm her mother, Miriam Berg.
And I was just telling Madison when I turned 16, my parents just announced, "if you want to get a husband, you going to have to get your nose done.
" My parents big joke is that I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for that nose job.
We know that your mom and dad are all for it, but we haven't heard from you.
Do you want a rhinoplasty? Well, getting married and having kids is not high on my list of priorities.
I mean, it was for my mom because things were different then.
Well, not all that different.
It wasn't like it was the dark ages for god's sake.
Are you happy with your nose, Ms.
Berg? All I know is it's always been a given that I'd be sitting here a few days before my 16th birthday.
It's about how you feel when you look in the mirror.
It's true that we've done a lot of rhinoplasties on jewish girls, and the trend is definitely towards a more refined profile.
We can show you some of our work if it helps.
I assume you want to take advantage of our sweet 16 package.
Absolutely.
When I read your ad in the temple newsletter, it said that you offered a 20% discount on a recovery room at the De La Mer spa.
Oh, my god, it's Lisa Burrows.
She's a senior at my school.
Have you seen her before picture? Lisa Burrows is jewish? Ok.
I'm in.
And I want her nose.
Does everyone at this school shop at J.
Crew? You're the only weirdo I have seen so far.
It was a compliment, by the way.
It was? Well, thank you then.
I'm Ariel.
I'm in your american history class.
I'm new at this school.
I'm Matt, the weirdo in the back row.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Uh-oh.
Jap, 3:00.
Oh, yeah.
She looks like she just got released from the slaughterhouse my dad runs.
He's a plastic surgeon.
He does a lot of sweet 16 nose jobs.
Jews with gentile noses and gentile names.
It's completely pathetic.
The bandage on her face isn't covering her nose job.
It's broadcasting her self-hate.
And she's not the only one.
I mean, everywhere I look, it's just a sea of pathetic look-alikes and wannabes.
Well, I'm so not like anyone else here, I hardly even notice them, you know? I like that.
You know, you could really help me out with something.
I'm doing a term paper on homogenizing influences in the melting pot culture.
And, uh, it would be cool to talk to a plastic surgeon.
Maybe you could introduce me to your dad? If it will get you to have coffee with me, I will.
You had me at "Matt, the weirdo.
" I've got to hand it to you.
I didn't think it could be done.
I give full credit to Christian.
He just opened up his heart and allowed himself to feel the love.
Mm, you're nice and limber.
It must be from all those kinky positions you have to do for the cum shot.
Actually, I put the blame on Bradley.
He's our private pilates zainer.
He works me and Christian out every morning.
Oh, this is on the house.
I volunteered to be your technician.
Think of it as part of your wedding gift.
Oh, and by the way, I haven't rsvped to your wedding invitation because I guess there was some kind of mix-up.
You won't be receiving an invitation, Gina.
I'm so sorry about that one.
You're going to have some pussy burn.
So, I'm not invited to the wedding.
Put yourself in my shoes, Gina.
We simply can't accommodate all of Christian's ex-lovers.
I need you on all fours.
And I guess with all those scumbags, pimps, and porn stars you've balled, well, that would be a whole church by itself, wouldn't it? Oh, did you want me to get the four long dark hairs up your ass? I was hoping you might be a lady about this, Gina.
You're no lady, and neither am I.
You're just the lucky whore who was in the right place at the right time.
Here.
Put this on your ass.
The truth is I wouldn't marry him now even if he begged me.
Did he tell you that he stopped paying for my aids cocktail? A way to a man's heart is not entrapping him with your tragedy.
You're the tragedy if you marry him, Kimber.
Christian Troy will never love anyone but the one he can't have, his precious Julia.
Hello, Kimber.
How is the waxing? Am I interrupting something? No.
We're done.
I was wondering if you could fill in a customer satisfaction form.
Sure.
And please be honest.
We're new, so we welcome any and all criticism.
Actually, I'd like you to be honest with me, Julia.
Is there something you wanted to ask me? Why didn't you and Christian give it a try? Honestly, there was once an attraction between us.
And we're still very good and very old friends.
But Christian and I aren't in love.
You and Christian are.
You know, I've come a long way since I first fell for that lame pickup line that he used while trolling for patients in bars.
I can take care of myself.
And I love him.
But I don't wanna give up everything that I have worked so hard for just to wake up one day to discover that the two of you feel like you missed out and that you still need to give it a try.
We're not going to give it a try.
It's all in the past.
Thank you.
I needed to hear that.
You know, for what it's worth, Julia, you and Sean have got to be two of the classiest people I know.
And I told Christian this.
Of course he laughed at me.
But I have this fantasy that our wedding will bring the two of you back together.
Well, it should just take you a moment to fill in, and I'll see you at the wedding.
Did you ever think that we'd live to see it? Me, in a monkey suit, saying "I do" to god and everybody else? I had my doubts.
Becoming like everybody else.
I'm strangely elated.
How're you doing? I'm ok.
I'm in kind of a transitional phase.
- Come back to the practice.
- I can't, Christian.
Yes, you can.
It doesn't work without you.
We can figured out what to do with Quentin.
Just come back.
I miss you.
Just don't say no.
That's all I'm asking.
Hey.
Hello, Mattie.
How's my little skinhead? Hey, some people like this look, you know? Hey.
Maybe I should come back later.
No.
No.
Stay.
It's nice to see you.
I should be getting back, anyway.
Will you two kiss and make up already? In case you missed the memo, I'm the main event right now.
C'mon, sit down.
I asked you here because I want you to be my best man.
Both of you.
Well, you wouldn't want a skinhead standing up there, right? I was teasing, Mattie.
Jesus.
Will one of you please say yes? I'll say yes if you do me a favor.
A friend of mine is doing a term paper, and she wants to interview a plastic surgeon.
If you agree to meet with her, then I'll stand up there with you.
Whatever it takes.
But, you, you have to do the interview with me.
Think of it as a baby step towards coming back to the practice or an early wedding present for me.
I would be delighted to meet with a friend of Matt's.
So set it up.
But stay away from the head clippers until after the wedding.
Deal.
You? Do you think you could put your transitional phase on hold long enough to remember the rings? I can do that.
I don't know who's higher maintenance, you two or my bride.
We call this one "Endless Passion.
" The vanilla beans are flown in from Tahiti.
This one's a little sweet for my taste buds.
What do you think? Do you like this one better than the orange coconut rum? Hello! Sean, a little feedback here, please.
I'll go get some samples of our chocolate cake.
It's not as sweet.
Thanks.
You know, for the life of me, I can't recall the cake-tasting when Julia and I got married.
You're kidding, right? No.
You can't recall it because you weren't there, Sean.
You wouldn't give up a laser conference in Atlanta.
Don't you remember? You asked me to stand in for you.
And you went.
Yeah.
Right.
You went to the tasting with Julia.
You ate a lot of cake, drank champagne, and the rest, as they say, is history.
Like you said, we drank a lot of champagne.
I need to ask you something.
Since Julia and I split up, have you and she ever talked about giving it a try? I don't think we've both ever been single at the same time.
That's not an answer.
I don't harbor any feelings for her, if that's what you're asking.
I wouldn't do that to you again.
You slept with Kimber.
Do you, you know Come on.
No.
No? She's not the girl for me.
I'm sorry.
I just have to say something.
I've been doing this for a lot of years, and you two are the most elegant sharing couple I've ever met.
So honest and so generous in spirit.
Julia's not the one for me, sweetheart.
You're the one I want.
The only one I want.
I love that you love me in that way, baby.
Can I try the chocolate? Mmm, it's divine.
Delicious.
We fly in the chocolate from belgium.
We call this one "Forever my Love.
" - Forever.
- Forever.
Call me old school, but I think a doctor should sit behind a desk, have a little dignity.
Just say the word and your stuff will come out of storage.
Hey, everyone, this is Ariel Alderman.
Sean McNamara.
Good to meet you, Ariel.
Christian Troy.
Welcome.
Please have a seat.
I'll--I'll be outside.
Let me guess, you're the biological father.
Actually, he is.
Wow.
I'm usually really good at reading facial features.
You have the dark facial features, more like the irish in Matt, and you look like you have some caribbean blood in you.
The hair, the wider nose.
Was your father from Cuba? I never had a conversation with my father about his roots.
Anyway, how can we be of help? I want you to dye my skin black.
Basically, I want to look african-american.
We don't dye people's skin.
No, but you would bleach my skin, wouldn't you? I thought you were here to do research for a term paper.
This is research.
I'm asking you to address the fact that it's acceptable to make a black person white but not to make a white person black.
Michael jackson is whiter than I am.
We don't treat Michael Jackson.
Ok.
Closer to home.
Let's talk about the jewish girls who book their sweet-16 nose jobs with you.
What percentage of your income comes directly from their desire to look like Heidi Klum or Kirsten Dunst-- distinctly anglo-saxon gentile girls? What's your point? My point is that you are wiping out the physical characteristics that make up the ethnicities in our culture.
Underlying everything you do is the worship of an archetype.
It's all about making everyone look white and aryan.
That's the topic of my term paper.
That's not correct.
We offer people a choice.
We don't have a preference for any particular ethnicity-- Sean, you don't need to defend what we do.
Yes, I think you do.
Little by little, you and all the other plastic surgeons are just creating a nation of non-white whites.
Does Matt know what you wanted to talk to us about? Well, he didn't know exactly what I wanted to talk about, or else he might not have made this introduction.
Let's hope not.
Every time you lipo a big black ass or shave the bump off a jewish nose, or widen a slanty asian eye, you make that person more viable in a white world.
Then that person marries a white person and they give birth to a mixed-race child.
In the long run you're just wiping out the races.
Is that your master plan or is that just an unfortunate by-product of what you two do for a living? Get your hand off me.
Whoa, whoa, what the hell's going on? Your fathers asked me to leave, Matt.
They're very defensive about their work.
What'd you say to her? I don't know who this girl is to you, Matt, but she's not who you think she is.
I asked intelligent, well-researched questions, but they didn't want to deal with it.
They just want their own point of view parroted back at them.
I feel bad for you, Matt.
Don't you even think about bringing that little freak to my wedding.
- I can't believe this.
- Believe it.
Why would you want somebody like that in your life, Matt? She's a racist.
You're a judgmental asshole.
I guess some things never change, right? What's this? It's Thor's hammer.
It's a norse pagan symbol.
Is that a swastika on it? It's one of the world's oldest symbols.
Don't tell me you're gonna freak out about it.
People are so ignorant about it.
Well, it's got some pretty evil connotations, Ariel.
It's on buddhist prayer wheels and native american amulets.
See, look.
It's 4 Ls.
Light, love, life, and luck.
My dad gave it to me.
He's very, very smart.
You're, uh, you're not into some kind of neo-nazi, racist kind of trip, are you? No.
But I believe that people shouldn't disguise themselves and hide their identities.
I mean, I don't hide who I am, and I would like to know if someone is asian or jewish or what their real gender is.
And oh, my god, those sex-change operations that plastic surgeons do? Did your fathers do any of those? Yeah, I think they did.
That to me is truly immoral.
Playing with something that's as sacred as someone's sex, playing god, and spreading disease and fear.
I'm not a nazi, Matt.
But I am a purist.
You're fierce, and you're beautiful.
I want to do something.
Do you trust me? Yeah.
Are you ready? Hey, baby.
What you looking at? The royal wedding.
Is that Julia? I got us some champagne and caviar so that we could have a relaxing evening before the big day.
What made you check out this album? I don't know.
Wedding fever.
I don't want any champagne and caviar, Christian.
I told you I'm fasting.
Although, you not remembering shouldn't surprise me.
Well, you're in some mood, sweetheart, and it's not very attractive.
Well, don't worry, I won't be around much longer to bring you down.
I'm gonna go stay in a hotel.
Why? Because I was looking at old pictures of me in a cheap suit? That's not what you were looking at.
Sweetheart, this was supposed to be a lovely evening.
I was gonna bathe the bride in a soapy shower, give her a little massage, and just when she was letting go of all of that wedding stress, I was gonna slip my hand between her delectable size zero thighs and-- Ok, ok, ok, could you just-- You were all misty-eyed over those photos of Julia, Christian.
Be honest.
Jesus, Kimber.
Why the jealous fit, I mean, tonight of all nights? I'm the one who should be pissed.
You haven't even signed your pre-nup.
Uh, yeah.
God damn it, why are you leaving? I'm going to a hotel because if I stay here, I'm just gonna end up having sex with you.
And I want to feel like a virgin tomorrow, like a real bride.
Pure and untouched.
The kind you wish I was.
This one is my prize.
I just got it on ebay.
Yeah.
Honestly, Mrs.
Alderman, I don't understand the appeal of this stuff.
You know, I mean, it just seems kind of demeaning, you know, a big, fat black lady in an apron.
To mom, it's just a piece of americana.
Yeah.
It's from another time.
It's before they wanted to look like us.
You know, blacks were blacks, and the women enjoyed their size.
See? She's happy to be large.
She holds more cookies.
Sue, will you quit boring this kid and put dinner on the table? Ariel, help your mother.
Uh, Matt, this is my dad.
Ah! Hey, I'm with you, Matt.
If I was black, I wouldn't want to be memorialized as a cookie jar.
So, Matt, you know, after Ariel told us about you, I did a research and guess what I found out about you? Oh, god.
I hate when he does this.
You were involved in a pretty brutal gay-bashing, hmm? - What? - Yeah.
Your friend here took down a transsexual.
What did he/she do, make a pass at you? Yes, sir, that's right.
How did you find out? Well, I've got a friend in the department.
I run a check on anyone that Ariel brings home.
Helps me sleep at night.
So is this where my dinner invitation disappears? This is where I tell you that you have always got a place at this table.
- Really? - Yep.
You were tricked in the worst possible way, hmm? And you still stood up for yourself.
You behaved like a man, and that takes balls, by the way.
Boy, those trannies can be mean, and they travel in packs.
Oh, dad, did I tell you that Matt's father is a plastic surgeon? Ah! So now then, you grew up with all that liberal, multicultural, polysexual doublespeak, and you still turned out to be a man of honor, huh? Well, now I'm truly impressed.
Broccoli? Thank you.
Did my daughter give you that? I pierced it for him.
Yeah? Matt, I've got a job for you, and I think you're up to it.
Well, I think you may be overestimating me, sir.
He's never had a son.
He's always looking for a protege.
And that is a typically off-point remark, Sue.
Jeez.
Now, do you think that you could get me the patient files from your father's office? Matt, do you know what the phrase "mental duress" is? Hmm? That is when people claim that their mental health is being jeopardized by something that they don't like about themselves, and then they get their insurance companies to pay for it.
It's why jews get their noses fixed, gays get their organs lopped off, and me and a lot of other hardworking guys like me who don't have time for "mental duress" end up picking up the tab in higher premiums.
Now look, one of these days, you'll have a family of your own.
Dad.
And you're gonna have to choose between a bike for your kid or health insurance.
Unless, of course, you follow in your father's footsteps.
That's not gonna happen.
Um, wait.
How do the files help? Look, they tell us which of these health insurance companies are most lenient with these elective surgeries, and then we use that information to put pressure on the government.
I'll go and help you for support.
Look, I don't know.
Look, my problem is, this is my family we're talking about here.
You know what? I respect that.
And I think Sue may be right.
I think I see a kindred spirit in there.
Maybe even a friendship down the road, hmm? Forgive me.
I got ahead of myself.
Here.
"What an incredible journey it's been, watching you grow from that pretty but slightly shallow girl to a deep, beautiful, powerful woman.
You inspire me every day with your dignity, Kimber.
Your capacity for unconditional love, your patience--" Why would she fly off the handle like this? It's temporary, Christian.
Brides can be irrational.
So, about your vows.
You might leave out the part where you call her a "slightly shallow girl.
" - Right.
- Yeah.
Got a pen? Hey! Sorry I'm late.
I had to pick up my tux at the rental place.
Why would you wait until an hour before the ceremony? I want to be here for you, Christian, but it's kind of hard when you're all bent out of shape and superior.
No, no, no.
What's kind of hard is when your son/best man shows up at your wedding in storm trooper boots and skinhead jewelry.
Why are you being such a little shit? All right, calm down, calm down.
We'll find him some shoes and he can take off his earring.
Is that a fair compromise? Why should I have to compromise? This is who I am.
Why isn't it good enough? When it's your wedding, you can dress in drag for all I care, but today is my day and I call the shots.
So I guess I'm not good enough to be in your wedding.
Dressed up like a goddamn Jerry Springer guest? You betcha.
Come on, Christian.
No, it's ok.
Actually, it's a relief to be kicked out of your wedding.
Standing up for a self-important, hypocritical asshole such as yourself is the last thing in the world I want to do.
It's very sweet of you to be so good about all of this.
It's all good, Julia.
I don't want to be at Christian's wedding, especially as I wasn't invited.
Good to see you.
Thanks for coming.
Enjoy yourself, and call me when you're done.
We can have our own post-wedding party.
What a coincidence.
We're both wearing white.
What are you doing here, Gina? Hoping I'd get cold feet so you could step in for me? I just had to drop off a little something for the bride.
It would mean a lot to me if you opened it now.
Picking out the perfect wedding gift was no easy feat, Kimmy.
You know, I thought, she's got something new--her tits; the groom is borrowed, since sooner or later, he'll return to the women of greater Miami-dade; and as for something blue, well, there will be plenty of blue days living with the world's biggest asshole, so all that's missing is something old.
What the hell is this? My old diaphragm.
Oh, my god.
It's the one I used with Christian.
You don't want to get pregnant, Kimber.
Sooner or later, he's gonna leave.
Did he do this to you? All this bitterness as a result of loving him too much? No.
I was always a bitch.
Oh, Jesus.
I didn't think I had the power to upset you this badly.
I'm so afraid I'm making a mistake, Gina.
I'm giving up everything for him.
My career, merchandising.
I haven't eaten in days so I can fit into this dress.
It just seems like I'm trying to disappear so he'll accept me.
What if I just turn into nothing at all and then I'm just gonna end up losing him anyway.
Well, you might have thought of that before the invitations went out.
Oh, you need to fix your eye makeup.
You have to go out there soon, and you look like Courtney Love.
Close.
Now, for all the shit I say about you two-- I hope I don't choke on these words, but Christian loves you, Kimber.
You just need to believe it.
Open.
I guess I needed a good cry.
Thanks.
You look really pretty, Kimber.
Thank you.
Not as pretty as me, though.
The door was open.
I just wanted to wish you luck.
Thanks.
I could use it.
Who tied this? Sean? Have you seen Kimber? She was so cuckoo last night, I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't even show up.
There's a part of me that wishes she was halfway around the world and I could just tell everybody else to go home.
You're out of luck.
I saw her on my way in.
Everyone is terrified before their wedding, Christian.
You know that cliche about life flashing before your eyes when you die? Well, the same is true of weddings.
Every reason a marriage is wrong and impossible rises to the surface.
That's why there's so much champagne at weddings.
That's why you slept with me, isn't it? All my fears about Sean got turned into the need to find out if you were really the one.
There's still something something unresolved between us after all these years.
Sleeping together didn't resolve anything.
We simply made a mistake that many people paid dearly for.
I think we have to look at these feelings as being the demons that surface when we try and do something good for ourselves.
Marrying Kimber is very good.
I wanted to marry you.
It wouldn't have worked.
What if we're meant to be together? What if the demons you're talking about are keeping us from being happy.
Your bride is beautiful and waiting for you.
You're gonna go out there and get married.
Julia, we've been here before.
Maybe--maybe--maybe destiny is in the second chance.
It feels the same as it did 17 years ago.
It was just a kiss, Christian.
Some kiss.
It's my wedding present to you so that you can let it go forever.
I am not going to let you ruin your life.
Like I ruined yours? No.
Christian, Kimber asked me to walk her down the aisle.
Are you ok with that? Hello, Julia.
Hey, Sean.
Wow.
You look fantastic.
We all do.
So much water under the bridge, and here we are, still standing.
Still pretty fantastic.
Let's toast us.
To survival with grace.
Coming, Sean.
I did love her.
I know you did.
I don't know.
Maybe I'll always be alone.
Maybe that's just the way it's meant to be.
You know, you've never really been alone.
Really? My bride left me at the altar, my partner left me for a midlife crisis.
Am I missing something? I can help you with one of those things.
I'd like to come back to the practice.
You mean that? I do.