Parks and Recreation s03e10 Episode Script

Pawnee is, as you all know, the fourth most obese city in America.
Soon to be number three.
We're coming for you, San Antonio.
No, we are not.
We are slimming down.
Starting right here at City Hall.
I am implementing a government-wide health initiative.
We could have a City Hall dodgeball league! I have first pick, and my pick is Ron.
Great idea! Keep 'em coming.
Now, if anybody would like to join me, I will be running backwards up the big hill behind the Walmart.
Don't freak out, but Joe from Sewage just unhooked your bra with his eyes.
What? Oh, boy.
Hi, Joe.
What's up, Knope? Looking good these days.
What do you say? Van's out back.
Let's roll.
Where is this coming from? I don't know.
You're putting out some vibe today.
It's just driving me crazy.
Listen, if you're looking for a good time, why don't you come on down to the Toilet Party? That's what we call the Sewage Department.
Great.
Okay.
Liking the view.
Still got it, Joe.
- No, you don't.
Christopher.
Got a second? Oh, hey, Ron.
Listen.
I've eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch every day for 12 years.
I just wanted to make sure this pointless health crusade won't affect the only part of my job that I like.
Oh, no, those hamburgers are gone.
Red meat can cause sluggishness, heart disease, even impotence.
Has the opposite effect on me.
You ever tried a turkey burger? Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger? If so, yes.
Delicious.
A turkey burger.
You take lean, ground turkey meat, you make that into a burger instead of red meat.
Why would anyone do that to themselves? What if I told you that I could make a turkey burger that tastes better than any other burger you've ever had? Challenge accepted.
Cook-off later today in the courtyard.
If I win, hamburgers remain in the commissary.
What do I get if I win? The rarest jewel of all.
Victory over me, Ron Swanson.
I like that.
We're on.
You know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually checked out that snow globe museum that you recommended, and it was pretty awesome.
Yeah.
I have to say.
I mean, I did get in trouble for shaking one Yeah, I'm not allowed there anymore.
So, I have some ideas for the health initiative.
Oh, okay.
How about I swing by later and we'll just, you know, we'll go over everything? Or we could go out after work.
You know, go to J.
J.
's or something, grab a bite? Um, I don't think I can.
But why don't we just talk about it later, in this building? Okay? All right.
But, you're great.
And you have great ideas.
And Uh Bye.
Bye, babe.
Hey, I brought this cholesterol testing kit for the health thing.
Okay, let's do it.
So, I asked Ben out to dinner and he said no.
What? Yeah.
He seemed really into you.
What did he say exactly? He was like, "Huh? What? Uh Bye.
" And then, he walked into an office that wasn't his.
You know what? If he doesn't want to go out with you, he's nuts.
You're awesome, and there's a million other guys out there.
I have been having so much fun just dating a bunch of people.
I know.
Who was that guy you were talking to out there? And then also kissing? I was Crap on a crayfish.
That really stings.
I haven't pricked you, yet.
Oh, sorry.
I was just picturing it.
You know what? Maybe you need to cast a wider net.
Have you thought about Internet dating? Really? I don't think that's for me.
You're a monster.
Still haven't done it, yet.
You know what? I'll help you set up a profile.
It'll be fun.
All right.
Yeah, let's do it.
Okay.
Good.
I'm glad that's over.
Oh, it's not.
you, Ann! Who the hell is Forp? I don't know.
I couldn't really hear him.
It sounded like his name was Forp.
Get his number? No.
Good girl.
Ron Swanson.
April Ludgate.
Hey, I'm just gonna pop over to Grain 'N Simple to get the very best ingredients for my burger.
Do you wanna come? What is Grain 'N Simple? It's a health food store.
Pawnee doesn't have a health food store.
No, but Snerling does.
And it's only a 40-minute drive.
What are you doing, Andy? I'm getting healthier snacks for the shoeshine stand.
Chris is a food genius.
Did you know that the food you eat becomes energy? Yeah.
Boom.
That's spaghetti.
Nachos.
That's a cookie.
That's my husband.
See you tomorrow? Okay.
Is that a different guy from earlier? What? Never mind.
You ready to rock this profile? All right.
Yellow-haired female.
Likes waffles and news.
Sexy, well-read blonde.
Loves the sweeter things in life.
Much better.
Hobbies? Organizing my agenda.
Wait, that doesn't sound fun.
Jamming on my planner.
Favorite place? Upstairs, there is this mural of wildflowers.
And I like to sit on a bench in front of it.
Really? It could be anywhere in the world.
Paris, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon.
Nope.
Just the bench in front of the mural.
What about, like, an actual meadow where wildflowers are? Eww, Ann.
I'm scared of bees.
Mural.
Okay.
What do you think of dogs? Love.
Cats? Love.
Fish? Love.
Turtles? No opinion.
They're condescending.
Describe your ideal man.
He's dark and mysterious.
And he can sing.
And he plays the organ.
I think you just described the Phantom of the Opera.
Hmm.
Ah, Nirvana.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Chris.
Amber.
Annie.
Bill.
Johnny.
No.
I don't plan to buy anything here.
I buy my burger ingredients at Food and Stuff, a discount food outlet equidistant from my home and my work.
I came here for the same reason people go to the zoo.
Shh.
Look at that thing.
Nature is amazing.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
A 98% match? That's a soul mate-level match.
I've never seen anything this high before.
Awesome.
Okay.
I know what you're thinking.
And you know what? You have to forget about Ben.
He had his chance and he blew it.
This computer could have found the future Mr.
Leslie Knope.
Yeah.
Okay.
Entire universe of guys I might date, let's see what you got.
This is Craig at hoosiermate.
com.
How can I help you? Craig, your service is crap.
Can you be more specific? Yes.
Your soul mate match was totally wrong for me.
I mean, I like him as a friend and everything, but I'd never go out with him.
He's like a little sister to me.
We have a very sophisticated algorithm that's paired up thousands of couples.
I actually met my wife on the site.
Really? Well, that's not gonna last.
Excuse me? You heard me.
Your marriage is a sham.
Goodbye, Craig.
No, actually See you, sweetheart.
He seems nice.
Eh, he kind of lives in a barn.
What's up? What's wrong with me? Why do good guys hate me and gross guys love me? Diagnose me.
You're a nurse.
There's nothing wrong with you.
You're an intelligent, classy, attractive woman.
But for whatever reason, right now, only douchey guys are buying what you're selling.
So, I should go and ask them what they think I'm selling.
A douche-vestigation.
Nice.
Hi, Joe.
I know you're gonna take this the wrong way, but can I talk to you for a second? You can do anything to me, for any number of seconds.
Hmm.
Would you like to talk outside in my van? No, here's fine.
I was flattered by what you said earlier.
And I was just wondering, what do you look for in a woman? She can't be in a wheelchair.
No canes.
No gray hair.
So, basically, you're just attracted to me because I'm not an elderly person.
Yeah.
And as I aforementioned, you have a killer dumpster.
What does this do? Would you like to sample our vegan bacon? 100% meatless.
Yes, please.
Another, please.
Sir? Is there a problem? I'm just making sure no one ever has to eat this.
I don't think I can give you any more.
I want one.
Hey.
Yeah, I'm calling to lodge a complaint about the seaweed and almond under-eye cream I purchased from you guys.
Oh, my problem is it smells terrible.
Yeah, I even mixed it with another under-eye cream and it still smelled.
So, I ruined two eye creams.
Yes, I will hold.
Forever young, I wanna be forever young Do you really wanna live forever What's this? Dragon fruit.
What's this? A kiwano, or horned melon.
What's this? A peach.
I knew that.
Wow! Fresh lettuce is my all-time favorite food.
What's your favorite food? Well, I take Skittles, and I put it between two Starbursts.
You know what I call it? Skittle sandwich? That's pretty good.
No, I call it Andy's mouth surprise.
It's nice because the flavor of the Starbursts really bring out a similar flavor in the Skittles.
Forever young I wanna be Hey, Tom.
What's up? Do you wanna go to lunch? No, I don't really feel like going to J.
J.
's.
We can go anywhere.
Your choice.
I'm buying.
Can I get apps and 'zerts? 'Zerts are what I call desserts.
Tray-trays are entrees.
I call sandwiches sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers.
Air conditioners are cool blasterz, with a Z.
I don't know where that came from.
I call cakes big ol' cookies.
I call noodles long-ass rice.
Fried chicken is fry-fry chicky-chick.
Chicken parm is chicky-chicky parm-parm.
Chicken cacciatore? Chicky catch.
I call eggs pre-birds or future birds.
Root beer is super water.
Tortillas are bean blankies.
And I call forks food rakes.
Yeah.
You can get as many 'zerts as you want.
Well, let's get in my go-go mobile.
Car.
This'll be fun.
Let's say you rub a bottle and a genie comes out and gives you three wishes.
What would those wishes be? Come on, Leslie.
This'll be a fun game.
Three wishes.
Go.
Okay.
First wish? I have a huge house with a ton of balconies.
Yeah.
Okay.
And I would just stand out there and survey my empire, like a drug dealer in a Michael Bay movie.
And I'll just spend my time out there reading my iPad and drinking espressos in a terry cloth robe.
Wish number two.
Okay.
I'm the CEO of the Spike TV network.
And my best friend slash personal assistant is Oscar winner Jamie Foxx.
And we create a raunchy animated series based on our friendship, called Tommy and the Foxx.
Okay.
We don't have to do this anymore.
No, no.
I'm into it now.
Wish number three.
They remake Point Break.
I play both roles.
Keanu and Swayze.
I think if you continue cross-training the way you have, you're gonna I don't see any ingredients.
Have you bought ingredients? Nope.
Do you need help shopping? No.
Are you hurt? Can you move? Never felt better.
Chris! Can I get these? I said one thing.
Honey? Pinwheel.
Let's play a different game.
I'm gonna say stuff about me, and you say, on a scale from 1 to 10, how interested in that thing you are.
Ready? Okay.
I love sunshine and fresh air and early-morning walks.
One.
I've read five biographies of Eleanor Roosevelt.
One.
I work at the Parks and Recreation One.
That's what you do.
One.
I once kissed a girl in college.
Eight.
Where I graduated summa cum laude in history.
One.
Zero.
Negative a billion.
Don't talk about it anymore, please.
I love Food and Stuff.
It's where I buy all of my food.
And most of my stuff.
Hey, can I get these? How much are they? Two bucks apiece.
Good deal.
Anything else? Nope.
Just the crows and the beef.
So, the only thing that's important to you is hotness? Wendy? Lucy? All you cared about was the shape of their boobs? No, I really liked them, and they happened to have nice breasts.
You're acting really weird.
What did you even buy me lunch for? Just so you could yell at me for what I like about women? Okay.
Promise not to tell anyone? Sure.
This is insane, but you and I got matched up on hoosiermate.
com.
Soul mate-level match.
You wanna date me! This is a date! This is not a date, okay? You took me to a fancy restaurant, you paid for my meal, and you're trying to get to know me better.
I was just trying to figure out why only sleazy guys are into me right now.
Nice try.
You love me.
Leslie Knope, Tom Haverford Dating in the day, dating in the night Dating all day 'cause he's keeping it tight All right, Tom.
Enough.
Dating in the car, dating on the floor Dating everywhere 'cause she wants some more What, yeah, oh, we're going to, yeah Hey, Tom, I'm just printing out these health tips.
Can you grab them for me? One second.
I'm just looking at some real estate listings.
Oh, this is perfect for us.
Three-bedroom, and Oh, God, Les.
It has that dream closet you've always wanted.
A walk-in closet.
Oh, God.
Hey, hey, boo.
What's wrong? Where did you go? Come back to me.
Stop it.
Don't disappear on me.
I need you, boo.
All right.
Let's get into it.
What do you guys have for health tips? Ben, if it's okay with you, Leslie and I are going to lead the meeting today, because of our deep spiritual connection.
Okay.
All right.
Is everything okay or Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Everything is great, Ben.
Les and I just had something magical happen today at lunch.
There is some weird juju in this room right now.
Office yoga.
We do stretches at our desk or next to our desk or in a chair.
Always good for you.
We give everyone pedometers and we have a contest.
Whoever takes the most steps wins a prize.
Anything to get their heart rate up.
You know what else gets people's heart rate up? Doing it.
Talking about sex with my boss.
Can you excuse us for a second? Yeah.
Hey.
Can I talk to you for a second? Let me get off the chair.
Hey What is wrong with you? Leslie.
It's the workplace.
You're being a little bit too feisty right now.
You are being a little bit too much of an ass right now.
Okay? Knock it off.
I can't fight this feeling anymore.
You and I, we're dating.
You should be so lucky.
Leslie.
Huh? Tom.
They should fix that.
It was all just a joke.
I can assure you, there's nothing romantic going on between me and Tom.
I have a very strict policy.
No office relationships, particularly between a supervisor and an employee.
The taxpayers pay us.
So, we can't have anything appearing even remotely scandalous.
I'm just saying, if you can't keep your mouth to yourself, I'm gonna have to suspend you.
I understand.
Look.
Cucumber flower.
Wow, that's so cute.
Wait, that's a garnish.
You're not supposed to eat that.
What? So, just type up those ones we talked about, and we'll get it finalized tomorrow.
Yep.
Hey, Tom.
Yeah.
What was all that stuff with you and Leslie? Girl likes Indian food.
What can I say? Fine.
We got matched up on an online dating site.
And I was messing with her, she got pissed.
So, she took me out in the hallway and kissed me, out of revenge.
Really? And as much as it pains me to admit this, it was not disgusting.
Okay.
Well, I don't need the details or anything.
I'm just saying.
She knows what to do.
All right.
Like, I was impressed.
Yeah.
It was stirring.
Goodbye.
It felt like Yeah.
All right.
Just Anyway, like I was saying I humbly place before you my east-meets-west patented Traeger Turkey Burger, an Asian-fusion burger made with Willow Farms organic turkey, a toasted taleggio cheese crisp, papaya chutney, black truffle aioli, and microgreens on a gluten-free brioche bun.
Enjoy.
Mmm.
Mmm.
This tastes as delicious as Beyoncé smells.
I'm guessing.
What is this in here? Saffron? Wow! Somebody's got a sharp palate.
I love the umami flavor.
Stop being so pretentious, Kyle.
Sorry.
Here's mine.
It's a hamburger, made out of meat, on a bun, with nothing.
Add ketchup if you want.
I couldn't care less.
Ron, I am so disappointed.
I thought that you and I were gonna have a real challenge.
Never mind.
This is better.
Way better.
Mmm.
Yep.
Mmm-hmm.
Kyle? Sorry, Andy.
Ron's is better.
Damn it, Kyle.
Oh, my God.
It's so much better, it's crazy.
Turkey can never beat cow, Chris.
Sorry.
Well, I don't understand.
I've tinkered with this recipe for years.
Granted, it's been a long time since I've had a hamburger.
This is better.
The commissary will continue to serve horrifying, artery-clogging hamburgers.
Man.
We spent, like, 50 hours working on those burgers.
I know.
Hard work never pays off.
Cooking is dumb.
I swear on this dead crow that I will never cook for you.
I love you.
I just wanted to make sure that there were no hard feelings after I forced you to break up with Tom.
Oh, we weren't No.
No hard feelings.
'Cause it's just a real bugaboo of mine.
And it applies to everyone.
Just the other day, Ben told me that he might want to socialize with somebody from the government and I said, "I'm sorry.
Not possible.
" Really? Did he say who? No, and I didn't ask.
Because it's irrelevant.
He oversees every department.
It simply can't happen.
This is literally the best thing I've ever eaten.
Mmm.
And it's so bad for me.
I'm gonna have to jog while I digest this.
Excuse me.
Hey.
What's up? Hey.
Well, I think I'm allergic to chutney.
Also, what's chutney? No clue.
Yeah.
Hey, I never got to tell you the rest of my ideas.
You wanna go somewhere and talk about them? Yeah.
Yeah, I'd love to.
Let me get some actual food, and then, do you know that wildflower mural up on the second floor? Mmm-hmm.
Yeah? You wanna meet there? Yeah.
Okay.
Sounds good.
I don't know if the online thing is for me.
I prefer to meet people in person.
It's like door number two on Let's Make a Deal.
Do you want the thing that you have, that you know you like, but isn't perfect, or do you give it up for what's behind door number two? I think I like what I have.
I'm gonna try to make it work with Tom.
I'm kidding! All right, be honest, Tom.
How did you and I get matched up? I made 26 profiles, each designed to attract a different type of girl.
Tom A.
Haverford.
Sporty and sexy.
Tom B.
Haverford, smooth and soulful.
Which letter did you get? N, Tom N.
Haverford.
The N stands for nerd! I never even check that one, 'cause no one ever responds to it.
Okay.
Well, whatever.
Tom N.
Haverford collects globes.
Great.
That's enough.
His favorite movie is books.
Donna? Every time I want you to shut up, from now on.