Portlandia (2011) s03e10 Episode Script

Says I should just keep doing it.
Here, let me turn it up a little bit.
You're in the womb, little guy.
What? I don't think I can do this.
Let's Honey, I'm right here.
We're right here.
We're just looking up that way.
- We're right here.
- We're right here.
We need to find another book.
All right, time to sleep, buddy.
We're looking right at you.
All right.
Does this feel comforting? Hey, I like your shirt.
Where'd you get that shirt? Got it in a gift bag or something? Do you want us to baby-proof everything, or are you good? Just remember, like, don't fall out the window.
Don't, like, drop things on yourself.
Like, that's just a kinda simple thing.
- Mama.
- Yeah.
Uh, you could just call her Holly.
Hi! Uh, yeah.
Holly.
Caca.
No food.
No food.
Nothing.
Yeah, it's not good out there.
Hey, guys.
How are you? You have any luck? I got some, uh, spaghetti and meatballs.
Oh, it's too good to be true.
So here it is.
Article about spaghetti and meatballs.
Why'd you roll out the information that way? Humor is not feeding me right now.
I've been chewing on my tail again.
I don't know what's going on with this place.
What happened to our neighborhood? There is no food any-- guys, I looked hard.
Remember when we moved here, before gentrification.
People just walking around with hotdogs or whatever, and just throwing stuff out, and Littering.
People are not leaving any garbage here anymore.
What are we supposed to eat then? What was that Greek place? What was that? Remember that? Yeah, Nicholas'.
So good.
I want Nicholas'.
That's where I met you.
That's where I met you was at that garbage can.
And I established myself as a get-along, go-along sort of rat.
Like, you knew I wanted to be friends.
I didn't want to fight.
I went there, and this-- this was yesterday.
It's now a toy store for kids with all wooden toys.
Yeah, it's never been a better time to be a termite.
I don't understand how they eat wood.
That seems weird to me.
Yeah, they're weird.
I'm just gonna say.
Might be time to move.
Right? Let's go right now.
Let's just run east, and wherever we get tired, that's our new neighborhood.
I would rather at least do a little research.
How much research do you need? I want Nicholas'.
Let's just go now.
Because what are the most stressful things? Death in the family, divorce, and moving.
Accepting an award.
I don't know why, but it's always on the list.
- Accepting an award.
- Okay, who's even? - I don't know.
- We're looking at two-- Are we up for anything? I thought we were talking about lists.
- I don't know.
- Let's do it.
Yes, but let's go now.
I mean, you don't really know if you're gonna find a place with room for three or two or 12, so probably I should be here just in case I don't know what you want from us.
We don't have a new place.
If you want to come, then come.
Is that really as good as this invitation's going to get right now? - I'm ready.
- Okay.
Let's go.
Never thought it would end like this.
- We'll talk about it later.
- Bye.
And I'll be here waiting to see what our future holds.
Think it's next level Okay.
There you go.
- Huh.
- All right.
Got, like, ten minutes.
The escalator over there - Hi.
Welcome to Regal Cinemas.
- How are ya? - Okay.
- Here you go.
Why aren't you ripping these? - I don't get to rip it.
They don't let me yet.
- Yet? Yeah, I'm looking for a promotion.
Is there an elevator we can take up? I just don't wanna miss the first couple minutes of the movie.
There is an elevator, but, um, unfortunately it's employees only.
What do you do with people in wheelchairs? Are you two disabled? 'Cause I can call my manager.
No, we're not disabled.
If you do miss the first minute, I've seen it, not that good.
It's just credits.
Words and stuff.
Well, don't tell me that, I mean You just ruined it for him.
Well, I apologize.
But you can just go up to the top on the escalators.
Great.
Okay, we will.
Thank you.
Enjoy your ride.
- Tickets, tickets? - How are you? How far up is this? - What type of movie is this? - It's a documentary.
It says on the back of your tickets you should arrive - to see a movie, - Oh, well-- if it's international.
We're not going on a plane.
You're going to see a documentary? - Yeah.
- Similar.
- Okay, well-- - Do you need this, or do we hold onto it? Do you need glasses or something? Yeah.
What's the number of the theater? - 570.
- That's way up there at the top.
- Does that mean 570? - Yes.
How do you have that many theaters in here? - Well, we have more up there.
- Oh.
Yeah.
You guys are almost close.
All right, well, up we go, I guess, huh? - Yeah.
- Let's go.
Guys, slow down around the escalators.
It's dangerous.
- Here.
- We're not running that fast.
- Theater 570? - Yeah.
Thank you.
- Oh.
These are the 8:00 PM? - Yes.
We know.
I don't know if you're gonna make it.
- What? - You could have refund these if they weren't ripped.
- You just ripped it.
- You're the ripper.
Yeah, it took me a while, but now I can validate, so-- Okay, thanks.
Escalators.
Who makes them and where are they taking us? You'll be surprised at the answer.
What did I miss? There's the whole opening-- Shhh.
This is a movie theater.
- I'm Royce.
- I'm Alicia.
We're with the Portland Milk Advisory Board.
We're here to tell you about water milk.
It's water, and you know what? Just drink more water.
I want to get a shout out really quick.
This goes out to Tonya.
- Tonya is Royce's-- - Girlfriend.
Tonya loves water.
She's the only girl I know that drinks one bottle right after the other.
She's pretty.
She's a very-- very square features.
She's been described as Frankensteinesque.
Which could be seen as a good thing.
How popular was Frankenstein? Probably one of the more famous of all the monsters.
Frankenstein's kind of cute when he's a girl.
Have you suffered health problems following the consumption of unusual types of milk? Reckless public service announcements may have directed you to drink unregulated soy, goat, or hemp milk.
You may have suffered a buzzing in your ears from unpasteurized raw milk, or numbness in the thumbs from cashew milk.
I'm here to help you.
Contact The Law Offices of Larry E.
We'll work this out together.
Wait.
Is there only one table? Oh.
Yeah.
Maybe I should have warned you.
It's a communal table.
I think you'll like it.
It's so Portland.
I thought it would be kind of a good date.
Um-- What is it like dating two people? Is that okay? What do you mean, you and Fred? Yeah.
Okay, unless you're dating a lot of other people.
- No.
- All right.
I thought that was just one big party and there's other tables.
- So-- - It's not too cramped? Everything kind of comes out in this order.
You get to see what everybody else is eating.
It's like you can kind of hear their conversations, but at the same time there are sort of tacit rules, so like no one bugs you, but it just feels very vibrant.
I never sat at a communal table.
It's a little weird.
It's cool.
It's fine.
I'm sorry.
Which one were you drinking out of? Uh, this one.
'Cause I was actually drinking out of both of them.
Sorry.
No, you can have mine too.
Could I use your fork? Sure.
Yeah.
My fork? Yeah.
Did you say you had something to tell me? I do.
I-- I just-- it's really hard to-- it's really hard to say, but-- You can tell me anything.
That's how I feel.
You have everything so together.
You have this beautiful house and you're just so composed, and you know what you want and where you're going and I just-- I feel like such a mess next to you, like I'm dragging you down, do you know what I mean? No, no.
This is the thing.
I feel like we're good for each other.
I feel like I can't really just be myself around you, you know? Like I have to try and keep it together-- What? Really? I kind of want to be with someone I can-- Are you breaking up with me? You are.
Is this what this is? I'm sorry.
You really are.
You're just, you're too good for me.
I mean, Fred is such a mess.
He can't even tie his own shoes, and that feels right to me to be with someone like him.
Yeah, you know what? Do you really want to-- sorry.
- Hi.
- All right.
Do you really want to be with somebody like that, who doesn't want to be with you? - I mean, I-- - You're good.
How was your food tonight? Anyway, we're kind of having a conversation.
I appreciate you asking me about my meal and I hope yours was good too.
Mine's a little salty.
I think if we come again we should ask for less salt.
- Too much salt.
- Yeah.
I like salt.
Mine was done well.
So I wouldn't need to have less salt.
It's not good for me.
It loads me up with water.
Do you know if the dessert menu is around somewhere? - Dessert menu! - Thank you.
No, it's for her.
I'm not gonna have dessert.
- You know, actually-- - You don't want dessert? Do you want to share something? We heard it's your birthday! We heard it's your day! Your special birthday! Don't you think it was more of just a fling? Okay! Then, what's the difference between dating and a fling? A fling is just like what we were doing-- Happy birthday.
Oh, so you know that guy now? No, I don't know him.
This is a private conversation! I actually have to go meet up with my boyfriend Fred.
Are you going to eat your green beans? This looks pretty good.
Where are you looking? Over there.
Huh, grocery store.
I see a little shop right there.
This is cute.
I see a couple of rats down there.
Where? Right there by the alley.
Oh, there's more-- there's a lot! I don't want to just hop on the bandwagon.
Right.
Like, the rats who are here are kind of like, "hey, we really just discovered this place," - and, like, "no, you didn't.
" - No.
Oh, they see us.
Hi, how are you? Hi.
Looking around.
This is like crowded.
I want people to not even know the name of the neighborhood.
- Yes.
- "Oh, never heard of that.
" - It's like, "oh, well" - Look right along there.
I know.
Just-- all right.
Let's keep moving.
We're too late.
Thank you for responding to the flyer.
I hope I didn't bring you here for nothing.
I tried to keep it simple, "roommate wanted.
" It's so much more complicated than that right now.
I don't even see any restaurants.
- No.
I see-- - This is, like, industrial.
- I don't feel comfortable here.
- Is that a dock? - What's under the dock? - Exactly.
- What's under the dock? - Yeah.
Look, there's a wharf rat over there.
Will you go talk to him? - Me? - Just ask him what it's like around here.
Ugh.
Fine.
Hey.
Hi.
Sorry, we're just looking for a new place to move.
Oh.
What do you mean? What's it like living over here? I don't know.
When the sun goes down we go down there.
A few things that you need.
I'm sorry.
What? We'll come back here to see if there's a little bit of fish from the boats.
You can eat fish.
That's great.
Right, but it's glass.
So you can't eat the glass 'cause it cut ya.
- Okay.
- Welcome to the neighborhood.
If you move in, you move right in there, there's a couple of tin cans you could go into.
- And there's two dogs.
- Okay.
And the dogs come-- and they bit my friend.
Okay, we are getting out of here right now.
- He seemed friendly.
- No, he did not.
This hole here leads into the apartment.
This crevice here is the emergency exit.
I'm looking for a boundaryless existence with friends who tell each other everything.
Maybe that's asking a lot from a single flyer where I can't actually tell you if the place is available yet.
Look how far the city is from here! It looks really small from here.
Oh, we went far! We're in the suburbs.
The best we could do out here is be a pet.
I knew one rat that was a pet.
He would go up and down this guy's arm, and that was his job.
Like he just went up and down this guy's arm.
You're out for show with a freaky kid.
I have to stop for a second, wonder what my roommates are doing.
I'm honestly crazy about them, and they've got like almost this secret language with each other.
I feel a little triangulated sometimes.
That's not really your business at this point.
We're not roommates yet, but, um, I miss them already.
Just smell-- what is that? It's garbage.
I don't know.
What do you think? Just a regular Indian restaurant.
Nothing hybrid.
This could be it.
This could be our new home.
Let's sum up the places that we've been to, - and we'll take a vote.
- Okay.
Up and coming area.
Paws raised for that? No paws.
The wharf area? No paws.
One more time.
Wharf area? Zero votes.
Last time.
Wharf area? Honestly, I'm open to other species.
I don't always feel so compatible with rats myself.
I've always been a little bit of an outsider.
So this could really work for me.
I'm not completely against romantic entanglements with a roommate-- We got a new place to live! We got a new place to live! We got we got a place to live! - Nice work.
- Thank you.
- Good job.
- Thanks.
Your little dance made it official.
Thank you.
Uh oh.
Where's Carrie? Have you seen her? No.
She hasn't come down yet this morning.
Hmmm.
Hey.
You coming down to breakfast? - Huh-uh.
- Why not? It seems weird.
I just don't want to be emotional around her or seem vulnerable.
- You know that feeling-- - Yeah.
When you run into your ex and your stomach kind of flips over? - I hate it.
- Don't worry about it.
I'm gonna move out and just get my own-- - What? - Yeah, just get my own place-- - I just need-- - What are you talking about? Come down to breakfast.
Eat.
You know how weird it is to go out to breakfast with your ex? You can tell me.
Yeah? I can't tell you.
She's your girlfriend.
Is that weird? Yeah, it's totally weird.
This is why I'm moving out.
I know someone who can talk you out of it.
Someone who's very good at convincing and persuading.
Janet? No.
Babe? Hey, babe? Yeah? Hey, what's going on? Nothing.
So she wants to move out.
What? With those boxes? You asked me to step out of your life and I have.
Just in a romantic way.
The three of us, we're a great team.
If it makes you feel any better, Alexandra's just, like, a mess.
She's like a crazy person.
She's like not sane.
Not well.
You know what I mean? She's, like, confused and confusing, and a mess.
Also you're dating her.
I know.
It's great.
We should all try living together.
I don't think you should move out.
This is your house.
She says stuff like that.
Think about those words.
"This is your house.
" She just thought of that.
- But she picked you.
- Mm-hmm.
It's so fun.
It's, like, insane fun.
Carrie, wait.
Come on, stop.
Wait.
We're gonna fix you up with someone.
- That is ridiculous.
- It's a great idea! What about Daniel the storyteller? He's, like, making a living off of that now.
A storyteller? Yeah, he, like, tells stories - and people gather around.
- He sounds great, Carrie.
- You haven't even-- - Storyteller? He's great.
Paul! That guy Paul! Which Paul? The one who's got the wife.
But he's always complaining about her.
How about Crazy Dave? The mechanic.
You're ignoring me.
Can I say something to you? Seriously.
Seriously.
Stop.
This is for real.
This is a real, real, real thing, okay? Evan who works for the coffee distributor.
He lost I think 20 pounds.
And he still looks big, but he's actually looking more like a person now.
His hair is like-- it isn't as frizzy, really.
It's kind of like-- it's frizzy still, but, like, less so.
He's just looking better.
I don't think he's in town, is the only thing.
Good luck to the both of you.
How about Charlie? You guys do a lot of talking, huh? Is that what you like to do? Talk? I talk.
Because what I like to say is, from the brain comes ideas.
And it goes into your heart and it goes out into the world.
People tell you you're not gonna be nothing, but I believe in you when nobody does.
Because you can't live without having hopes and dreams.
Yes.
Yeah, no, I feel like I have my hopes pretty much set up.
I'm going to be a sports therapist in Oregon.
That sounds like a good plan.
But for the rest of you-- I think a lot of us here have hopes and dreams already.
I mean, that's why we're in school.
Well, congratulations.
- I'm living pr-- yes? - Just a quick question.
What are we gonna need to get 100%? Is it based on tests, or is there something more qualitative? For me, every day is a test.
We're gonna have a test every day? I meant it figuratively.
- He's eating his lunch.
- My God.
American cheese.
That is American cheese.
Oh, my God.
This is why things don't change.
Like, no one bothers to inspire someone like this.
We gotta take this guy under our wing and show him that he can eat off-campus.
Professor Santos, we are about to change your life.
You want to change my lunch? What difference does it make? Who told you that this was the life? Who told you that this was enough? I just want to teach.
It can get so much better than that.
Don't you want to be the first person in your family not to teach? Absolutely.
You could be doing advertising.
You could study marketing.
That's what I'm studying.
It's amazing.
I don't even believe in myself to kind of move up like that.
We believe in you.
- I believe in you.
- I believe in you.
So does Brandon.
Brandon, you believe in me? When you look at me, I'm someone you believe in? And when you believe in someone, that someone is-- You guys, I think I found something really good.
Junior marketing specialist for hire.
This could be you.
- Maybe I have a chance.
- Yeah! Not too bad, huh, Brandon? I did okay by you, huh? You're gonna believe in me in the future, huh? Maybe, just maybe, I can do it.
Look, I'm still asking questions myself, but that's what makes me vibrant.
That's what makes me an important part of the company is my whole curiosity.
And that's viral.
I think it's all viral.
Harnessing that is what makes social media-- make things happen.
So, when do you think I can start? Okay, guys, just move that right over in front of that wall.
- Probably, just put that-- - Careful.
Those are fragile.
Hey, if you're gonna move a mirror, you've gotta do it carefully.
Tipping them is gonna be so crazy.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 Where are they coming from too? What is that thing where they sort of kiss each other for a second and then keep moving? What is that? - Wow.
- Hey! Great, you made it.
Well, I brought a housewarming gift.
Actually, I brought some of my own stuff just in case I'm a part of this after all.
Why would we move without you? I just wasn't sure what was happening.
When we said, "would you like to come with us?" - That seemed pretty clear.
- At the time, it may have been my insecurity, but it seemed like it was more of a dare, like, "say you want to come.
" You were gonna stay at the other place? I hadn't eaten in weeks.
Do we have to do that with everything? Like, just invite you to everything? I would love it.
I would love that.
You're too sensitive.
I saw the neighborhood.
It's amazing.
Around the corner.
Indian food.
- Undiscovered? - Mm-hmm.
I don't even think it has a name yet, although I was thinking a little bit on the way over, something about north of the 405 over the bridge.
"Nofourbri"? "Nofo-Oh-Fo-Bridge"? A neighborhood needs a name.
Or does it? Let's not name it.
I think the moment you do that it's kind of like a death knell for it.
This is exactly the kind of conversation I missed having with you guys.
This is a great situation.
How about this? I don't know what you're in the mood for, but a good way out is just go right through that crack and go left-- You don't have to tell me how to scurry.
Here I go.
Black beans and rice, some cupcakes, vegan and gluten free.
We've also got warm soda.
We've got cold coffee.
I'm in the mood to eat.
It was a famine at our old place.
We can say that now.
It was a famine that we survived.
"By-Fi"? Like, "by the five"? - "By-Fi"? - "By-Fi"? You guys, let's not name it.
But I just thought of that one just now.
See? It's fun to think about.
It's not that fun to think about.
"Farburn," like, "far from the burnside bridge.
" - "Farburnbri.
" "Farburnbri!" - "Farburnbri.
" Guys, you're ruining it.
You're ruining it for me a little bit right now.
There is something irresistible about coming up with names.
If you want to try it just once before we all let it go forever, the coming up with names for this neighborhood, just try it once.
You'll like it.