Reno 911! (2003) s03e10 Episode Script

- Uh, we have a hotline For tips to the sheriff's department And mostly we get prank calls to it, But today, we got an actual tip Leading us here to this, uh, Little semi tractor hitch Full of stolen property.
- Hey, check this out.
Little tiki doll.
- Uh-uh, uh-uh.
- Tiki doll.
- No, no, no, no, no.
That is voodoo.
- It's not.
- It is.
- She makes a point.
Sometimes this kind of stuff has, like, a gris gris.
- Travis, put it back.
- I wouldn't mess with that.
No, no-- really, don't-- - It's a lighter, it's a lighter.
It's not ancient juju anything.
It's a lighter.
- Tiki lighter.
- Whoa! Hey! Hey! Hey! - Aah! Aah! Shit! - I told you, travis! - Don't swing them! - Don't do what? - Don't swing them! mtv networks [siren.]
Come on! - No.
- Go, go, go! [electrical crackling.]
[screaming.]
[gunfire.]
- Ha ha ha ha! [gunshot.]
- Oh! [siren.]
- So this little oriental girl Who used to do our fingerprinting Decided to sue us for creating, I guess, A "hostile work environment" And, uh, she lost! So the department considers us And look what we got! - Toot! Toot! Oh, ho-o! Toot! Toot! - This is hot! [honk honk.]
- Oh! - [laughs.]
- This is 10,000 pounds Of you're goin' to jail, asshole.
- Ha ha ha ha! [honk.]
- This is like you, jonesy You know? - Got the bulletproof windshield? - No, no, no! We did not get that! We did not get that.
We didn't get the cd changer, The leather, or the bulletproof glass.
- Sorry.
- We didn't get the cd changer? - Oh, it's true.
Give it a shot.
- Hi, honey, You're not supposed to be over here.
This is a restricted area.
- Yeah, police personnel only.
- Yeah, I'm sorry to - Hi.
- Hey.
- How are you doin'? - How ya doin'? - Good.
- Sorry to impose.
- S'all right.
- Yeah.
- Always willing to help a Fellow cyclist.
- I'm looking for a james.
- James? - I'm looking for my dad.
Mom gave me this tag.
That's my coast guard tag.
- You've been to honolulu, right? - Only about - I'm 21.
- You-- - oh, my god! Um - Dad! - Wow! What a big, strong boy you are! Wow, wow! Big, strong - I've been looking for-- Wow! - This is crazy! - Jeez whiz.
- You don't look very much alike.
- Oh, but you can see it in the mannerisms.
It's not like physical, But it's like facial gestures.
Same body type.
- Smile.
Smile.
Both of ya smile.
See, look at that.
- See, look at that.
You know, they got dna testin' places On, you know, every street corner, sadly.
"who's your dad?" is over above that-- - That's the one I've used a couple times.
The quickest one is "yo, baby, yo.
" In 24 hours, boom, It'll be a done deal.
- Wow! Let's go get the test! - You got more than a hummer today, Huh, lieutenant? - What's your name? - Kane.
- Jim.
What a good-lookin' fella you are.
- I didn't expect you to look the way you did.
- Looks kinda like Keanu reeves and kermit the frog Out on an adventure or somethin'.
- You know, I could've saved 'em The trouble from the dna test And just jerk that kid off in a cup And we would have known right away.
[train horn blows.]
- I love these things.
To me, the whole argument about, You know, becomin' more independent on oil Is crazy 'cause if we use up all their oil, We win, that's how we win.
Ya finish off a bank By takin' all the money out.
Beat them damn towel heads By gettin' all their oil.
- Exact, if you want, you know, people say, Oh, we should be usin' solar power Or we should be burning tea leaves, Ya know, to run the country with, ya know - Let's chase the bad guys On a water wheel.
How's that space over there? Can you look? - Uh, it's pretty small.
All right, ok.
- Ok, I'm good? - All right, yeah.
No! Stop it! - Ok, I'll stop it! Don't yell at me, kimball.
- I'm sorry, well Look, I told you, this space is too small.
You're not gonna make it.
- It's fine.
The space is-- - You're not gonna make it! - I am gonna make it! I'm already halfway in the spot! I'm gonna make it! Boy, she handles like a dream, though, don't she? Listen to that engine.
- Yeah, just like a dream.
- You think you can do better? You want to-- fuck it.
Why don't you fuckin' do it.
- Yeah, I think I'd like to do that.
- Do it, do it, come on.
- All right, ok.
Oh! Uh Junior? - ♪ oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ - It's good to have you on the show.
- Let's go, showtime.
- I'm happy that you Could stop through and be here.
And--and, mr.
Freeman, Just for you winning your oscar this year, I would like to commend you, 'cause it's a beautiful--clearly, I didn't know you andYou and jamie Could win in the same year.
And what? Hmm? Heh heh! You crazy, morgan! Morgan, you are crazy! Heh heh! Yeah, I know.
- Hey, how ya doin' there? Excuse me.
How ya doin', sir? - I'm good.
Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
- Excuse me, this is the junior the third show, And you are definitely Standin' in front of mr.
Morgan freeman.
If you can't-- unless it's just 'cause he's black, You gonna act like that.
- I apologize.
I'm a big fan.
Sir, you can't have your couches - It's not my couch.
It's the show's.
It's the show's.
Could you please sit down, enjoy, come on.
If you gonna talk to me formally-- Security! You don't want that.
You don't want that.
Now I'm junior the third.
How you doing? - Hello, my name is trudy.
- Nice-- trudy the what? - Trudy the what? - Like junior the third.
- The deputy.
Trudy the dep-- - I like that.
Now, how long have you been How long have you liked women? It's for the show.
For the show.
- For the show.
I understand that you're doing a show here And I think that's terrific.
- Could y'all pause For station identification? - Sure.
With all due respect, We--and, mr.
Freeman, I love your work.
- He likes being called morg free.
- But we did get a phone call From your agent, Uh, that said there is a big movie - Big movie.
It's with tom hanks, mr.
Freeman.
- And apparently, There's a role in it for you as well.
- You know what's really weird? You tryin' to play me, You think I'm really crazy.
I know ain't no morgan right there.
I was pretendin' and y'all obviously I was--that's me practicin'.
Morgan gets here in a little while.
[bell rings woman screams.]
- Well, uh, before we Continue with our program today, I just wanted to make an announcement That jason bumgardner has been disqualified From the hoop shoot contest.
- Right, and, uh, thank you.
Um, uh, children, There is an epidemic going around, Especially with the girls, About being mean to one another, ok? - Take the high ground.
- Here we go.
She's gonna say something mean to me And I'm gonna show you how you should react.
Go ahead.
AndAction.
Raineesha, I haven't seen you at the gym lately, But I have seen you on the discovery channel With the other baboons shining your purple, Huge asses, ha ha.
It's amazing that you have So many illegitimate kids.
She has 3 and doesn't know Who the father is of any of them And that's just a little--ow! Ow! Ow! [siren.]
[siren.]
- So it's father-son day here at, uh, Chateau de dangle.
I got some Sports items.
Gonna have a day of father fun Monkey business.
Possibly father-son, possibly not.
Kane! Rise and shine! - Hey, dad.
- Hey, kane.
- It's kinda hot out here.
Gonna sweat a little bit.
- Whoa! - Oh, dad! - I'm all right.
- You ok? - Yeah.
- It's ok.
My thumb--my thumb popped out for a second And then I landed on my lighter on the way down.
- Oh.
- [kane beat boxes.]
- ♪ thitha, thitha ♪ [squeaks.]
♪ check out ♪ - ♪ check it ♪ - ♪ check out ♪ Hey, you know, can I say something? Even if the dna test Comes back negative And it turns out I'm not your pa I want us still to be tight, ok? - All right.
Of course.
- Maybe even tighter than before.
[honk honk honk.]
Well, the hyenas Have picked up your scent, kane.
- Who? - Yeah.
- Is he of drinking age? - Ah, the new wonder bras are out, huh? - Yes, they are.
- Hey there, ladies.
- It's hotter than hell here.
Are those margaritas? - Yep.
- How are you doing? All tan and everything.
- Yep.
- I need a hug! I need a hug! Get over here! - Hey! - Ohh! Whoa! Look at that! Oh! Hey, now.
Hey, now, that's not baby dancin'.
- Women their age have brittle bones, So be a little careful.
- Oh, stop.
- Sir! Is he hiding? - Apparently.
- Attraction is closed! - Attraction is closed? Hey, guess what, it's open again.
Peekaboo.
That's right.
- Peekaboo show at the fair.
Welcome.
Guess your weight.
Guess your weight.
Win a doll.
- Yeah, leads me to my next question.
Did you try to guess This young lady's weight, sir? - Well, read the sign.
I'm a guess your weight! Guesser.
You caught me, put on the cuffs! - We're gettin' to that, in fact.
- That's not the problem at all, sir.
The problem is the way in which You're guessing people's weight, Specifically women.
- With--with almost psychic abilities.
- Really? - Yes.
Would you like me to guess your weight? - Apparently, you were quite accurate.
Yes, I would love for you to guess my weight, sir.
- I would say you are a--a sturdy 98 pounds.
- You were a little more accurate With the lady, sir.
- Well, I took a little more time then, And plus, she had actually paid a ticket.
Ya gotta pay.
These things don't grow on trees.
Ha ha! So, anyway, I'm gonna take a break now.
- No, you're not.
- No, sir.
Would you like to demonstrate on me How you guessed her weight? - Show on the lady deputy.
- Well, you can't-- you know, First of all, there's a lot of clothing That blocks the view, So you gotta--you know, maybe ICould you-- - Touched and poked? - Touch--there was some On the elbow.
I, you know, because sometimes - Sir, there's no fat on the elbow.
- Well, there's a weight-- The fat on your elbow is directly related To the fat everywhere else! - That's not true at all, sir.
- It's true, if I touched her, It was directly on the elbow.
- Stop lying! Stop lying! - Fine.
First, what I do is I have them Take off their jacket.
- Ok.
- Then what I do is I ask them To sit into my hands.
Just sit into my hands.
- Do it, wiegel.
- Ok, I'm gonna-- I'm gonna guess 150.
- And that's it? That's everything that happened? - Well, I I stuck a finger in.
- Ok, on the ground.
- Damn it! - Oh, fuck it! Son of a bitch! - Shit! - He's going in the bouncy house! - [yelling.]
- Nothing to see here.
Nothing to see here.
Just a rapist with a gun to his head.
- If I had a nickel for every time Some kid came up here sayin', You know what, "jones, you're my dad," I'd probably have, like, 75 cents.
- Exactly.
- 5, 10, 15, 20, About a dollar.
- Yeah.
All right, here we go.
I got it.
Ah, hell.
I'm sorry.
- Did you hit somebody? - No, no.
I think it's the curb.
Got it, got it, got it.
- Look out-- - Ok, ok.
I got another foot.
- Not really.
- No, you made me brake hard.
- How do I get out? - Open the door.
- Brake it to-- brake it to the left.
- Brake to the left, right? Let go of the button, I'm trying to talk.
I'm tryin' to talk.
Let go of your button.
- Let go of the button.
- Good? - Yes.
- Good? Yeah? - Yeah.
Now go to the right.
Go to the right a little bit.
Yeah, you got it.
What happened? - Shit, we're out of gas.
- We're out of gas? [siren.]
[siren.]
- It was interesting The way I met kane's mother.
I was in the coast guard for a while, And I was over in honolulu And, uh, there was this place Called the jade lady, And they did a drag show That would knock your socks off.
I mean, it was amazing.
Uh, the fellas in the show Here's the thing.
There was - You said there was a drag show? - That's what I thought.
It's just such a long story, It's so complicated, We'll never know the answer.
It wasn't a drag show.
- Who cares? - It wasn't a drag show, Just regular ladies, apparently.
[siren.]
It's a boy! KaneDangle.
Perhaps.
- So, any of you guys surf or - Only porn on the web.
- [laughs.]
- This guy - He has a problem with pornography, He does, he does.
He's been written up about it A couple of times.
- Can't prove it, can't prove it.
- Well, I did prove it, but ok.
- Just gotta get yourself in the zone.
- Yeah, he's a great natural athlete.
I mean, he's a perfect physical specimen.
- Your feet are really big, So I'm sure you just, like, Plant on that - Just plant it.
- Yeah, I got big feet, too.
- Yeah, I see that.
- All you want to do is spread your legs, Spread your legs, there ya go.
All right, now--now, Bend up a little.
You're bending a little too far.
Focus on the sand, ok? Now, you just want to bend your knees, Bend your knees.
Yeah, just keep bending it.
And you gotta ride-- - Ok, we'll do that more later.
We'll do that later.
- I just want to say something.
I love this man.
He's the best man in my life.
Mr.
Jim dangle.
Lieutenant jim dangle.
- Now we'll find out who's right! - Thank god you're here! - Hey, carmen, how ya doin'? - Thank god you're here.
- Thank god you guys are here.
- I'll take care of this.
Hi, guys, thanks for coming.
- Hello, sir.
- Brothel inspector.
- Get on the ground.
- Get on the floor.
- Right over there in the dirt.
- Get on the ground, man.
- You know they sell these.
Yeah, they sell 'em in harrah's.
They also sell bikini inspector, Titty inspector.
- Yeah.
There's a pussy inspector, too.
- Yeah? [siren.]
- ♪ oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh oh, oh ♪ - I love the hummer.
- All right, yeah, It gets 6 miles to the gallon On the highway and 3 miles around town.
You know, the air conditioner Doesn't work so well, And it's not very comfortable, um But I just look so damn good in it, You know what I mean? - Keep your positives.
- Um, yeah.
It looks all right On this side.
- You think we can fit? Before I try to back up, Are you sure we can fit? - There's nowhere else to go, So make it fit.
- No, I know it can fit on my side, But I can't see on your side.
- It looks ok to me.
Ok, a little to your right.
Baa baa baa baa baa! - What? What! - You're about to hit the car! And go backwards.
- Ok.
And accelerate and you're good Counter clockwise, counter clockwise! Counter--counter! Do you know what counter clockwise means? - This is counter, right? - Oh, I meant actual clockwise.
- Ok.
- Sorry about that.
All right.
Now, stop, stop.
Stop, stop.
Stop means stop! Stop means stop! - This is as far as I can open my door.
[siren.]
[siren.]
- Go! Let it all out! Let it all out! Yeah! - Oh! [all grunt.]
- Ok, stop.
Somebody's gotta get the, uh, gate.
- Ok, I got it, I got it.
Shit.
- No, no, no, no! - Get out of the way, get out of the way! - Look out! Watch out, junior, watch out! - Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Junior! Junior! - I'm good.
Look at that exhaust system! - Kane went down to get the, uh, Dna test results, so, uh Any minute now.
Hey! S--uh--uh, so? [exhales.]
- You're not You're not my dad.
- Wow! Hey! I mean, oh, hey.
OhhWow.
- It's ok, I'm sure I'll find him.
There's another dangle in missouri I'm gonna have to go check out.
- Oh, yeah, but we're still homeys, We're still gonna hang out.
Homeys still gotta have a homey hang, yep.
No, that's not me.
- We've had so much fun.
- Yeah! We had--oh, man! Tackling and everything.
Come on, man, I'll take you out to sizzler, Not to celebrate, just to - I'm sorry, I can't.
Actually, I should go get my stuff 'cause there's I'm gonna miss you.
- Ok, you can - Ok.
Ok.
We're famous for Our Wednesday traffic around here.
It's gonna be a log jam.
Got a bike! Kane - Do you have jones' e-mail Or number, 'cause I really feel Like we connected and justYou know, I just want to hang out with him, you know If that's ok with you, I mean, you're ok, right? - Yeah, oh, I got that - That's cool, ha ha.
"big foot.
" Call him "big foot.
" that's funny.
mtv networks Captioned by the national - Ok, you ready? Here it goes.
He dances on the side.
Oh, no, he moves.
He moves.
Look out.
Look out.
- Quite a dribble you got there, dad.
- Here I come.
Look out.
Here he comes.
AndOh, shit! In the neighbor's yard.
[dog barks.]
Uh, they're korean, And they're not very nice.
- Well, uh, who cares? - I got it, I got it.
- You sure? - Mrs.
Ng? Mrs.
Ng?!