Schitt's Creek (2015) s03e10 Episode Script

1 Family! I have exciting news! Oh Good.
David, I hoped you were home.
Thanks.
You're aware of the extraordinary work of New York-Based photographer Sebastien Raine? You mean my ex? When did you date Sebastien Raine? They dated for like a month and a half and David got very upset about it.
Okay, It was almost three months.
Four, if you include the month that he was seeing other people.
And you met him through me.
That's nonsense.
I met Sebastien Raine at an art opening years ago.
At my gallery.
And can you please stop saying his full name.
He's a monster, who uses people, - and leaves them for dead.
- Yeah.
I hate to play contrarian, David, but The Times and I, both consider Sebastien Raine a dear friend.
Remember when he dumped you? And you ate all those mall pretzels, and watched "Bridget Jones's Diary" every day for a year.
It wasn't a whole year, And I will not feel shame about the mall pretzels.
Okay, that's enough news for today.
Ummm no, what about him? He's coming here.
What? Wha Why? Sebastien Raine wants to collaborate on a project.
With me.
And you know his commitment to his work.
He's willing to come all the way here.
When flying me to New York would be a lot easier.
And a welcome escape.
But Sebastien Raine puts his subjects first.
And he told me I must respect that.
Okay.
You know what? I don't care.
So you can do whatever you like.
I could cancel, but you just told me you don't care so now I have no choice but to meet him.
(Door opens) I think he's coming.
So could you please go to the window and check for me? - Who's he? - Uh, Sebastien Raine.
He's most likely wearing a very expensive sweater, that doesn't look very expensive.
Is he like, really Really handsome in a homeless-y way sort of way? Yes.
Yup.
Then he is coming here.
Oh, he is? Okay.
- He's walking.
- He's walking.
- He's walking towards here.
- Where is he walking to? - And now he's coming in - Now he's coming in - and so he's here.
- (Door opens) He's here.
All right.
David.
- Oh - Wow.
This is exactly how I pictured it.
Sebastien.
Ah You're-you're here.
I thought you were supposed to be with my mother.
So good to see you.
Look at you You look really Healthy.
Thanks.
I can't believe this is where you live.
I think you're brave.
Hi.
Stevie.
I like your sweater.
You must be David's girlfriend.
- No - No, I own The Motel, so that makes me more like your landlord? No.
It doesn't.
Stevie, Stevie.
Stevie.
I'd love to Polaroid you naked one day.
Okay.
Okay?! David, I'm thinking maybe I'll stay the night, so I hope we can, you know catch up.
Yeah, I'm super busy these days Yeah, I just feel like we have unfinished business, you and I.
Room five is available.
Room five sounds great.
So brave.
Hm-hm.
- So brave.
- Okay.
(Door opens) - (Dishes clatter) - (Motown music plays) Moira! Sebastien Raine! - Hello! - Ohhh! (Kisses) (Giggles) Is this place not funny? I think it might just be one of my favorite local dives.
I love it.
It's just so unassertive.
You can't find this in New York City.
New York misses you, Moira.
(Sighs) You're too kind.
And correct.
(Chucks) Tell me things, Sebastien.
Tell me everything! Well, I just got back from London.
I was touring with Madonna.
She commissioned a series of anti-portraits.
Whoa.
Well, it sounds brilliant.
I want to do something even more brilliant with you, Moira.
Hm.
Come, let's walk.
Creativity lives on its feet.
Anything else is bullshit.
I just ordered you a Sanka-ccino.
(Sighs) It's a beautiful day.
And you're a beautiful subject.
Sebastian, I must insist you stop with the flattery In due time.
- (Motown music plays) - (Dishes clank) (Bus whooshes by) So I have a quick little school form you to fill out.
Sure.
What is this? Um nothing.
It just says that I work here.
Uh-huh.
This is for volunteer hours.
But you don't volunteer here.
You work here.
But, I volunteer to work here.
Because it's your job.
Okay but, I need these hours to graduate so So looks like you're gonna have to find somewhere to volunteer.
Okay.
It's just, I thought my community service hours would apply but they don't count because their court-ordered.
So Yeah, I think the whole point of volunteering is to give something back, right? Okay.
Sure.
But whatever I give back has to happen within two weeks.
Well, I might have something for you but I don't think you're going to be interested.
Try me.
Well, I work with some seniors a couple times a month.
Wow.
So cute.
Um, it's just I have a thing with skin tags and old smells.
So I might just need to think on it.
Well, tonight's gonna be fun though, dance lessons! (Fake elated gasp) We'd have to touch them.
- (Dishes being clank) - (Low hum of diner chatter) Oh psst! Hey, Johnny! Come here! Come here! Come here! - Hey Roland.
- Here sit down.
Sit.
Sit! Okay.
Now act like you're talking to me.
I am talking to you.
No.
Not like that.
It's got to be more conversational.
You know, like, um "Yes the weather is cold.
" Okay, I'm not following.
Okay, that's better.
- But try it a little more casually.
- What is going on? Bob is trying to get his poker night together again and he wants me to play.
And I can't afford it.
Well then just say no, politely decline.
Well that's not gonna work, Johnny.
Tell him that we're doing something together tonight, okay? Tell him you're taking me for a haircut tonight.
- Haircut? - Hey Johnny.
- Roland.
- Oh, Bob.
- Almost didn't see you there.
- Right.
I was just Chattin' away with Johnny.
Well, I just wanted to let you know that we're starting the big poker night again, so if you're interested Uh well I wouldn't mind playing, Bob.
- Really? - Well.
.
That's great! (Chuckles) Well, listen I'll see you both at my place, uh around seven.
Seven o'clock.
Can I ask you something? Um, do you have even the slightest concept of what just happened here? - (Crickets chirp) - (Birds sing) - Oh! It is so nice to get away.
- Hm.
There's something very cathartic about stepping into someone else's world.
Hm.
That's one of the reasons we chose to settle here.
- David seems well.
- Well he Excuse me? I ran into him earlier at the motel.
At the motel? And here I thought I gave you very specific instructions to go directly to the cafe.
Ever the renegade.
Yeah, I got here and decided it was probably best to get a room.
Only a day just didn't seem enough.
You got yourself a room? Oh, aren't you lucky! They're usually booked up.
You must have used our name.
But Sebastien, I was under the impression that you were here just for today for a quick consult - (Shutter clicks) - Hey! What are you doing? Sorry, it's the way the light is catching you.
The photo took itself.
Ah, but you had to push the button.
Sebastien don't, please.
This is my talk now, shoot later look.
So, this visage is off-limits for-for the moment.
- (Camera shutter clicks) - Plea Don't worry, I'm just using you for scale.
It's this backdrop.
There's a provincial romanticism to all this, that's just terrifying and important.
Far be it from me to stand in the way of your inspiration.
Well, why don't you actually stand over there? Where? - Further into the field.
- Oh Yes! No, into the field.
- Further! - Huh? - Yeah, into the field.
- Umm? Yes.
Further! Sebastien, I was Let the field reveal itself to you.
Okay I was wondering when we do the actual shoot um Are we thinking studio or on location? Because I bet Mr.
Schnabel would love to loan us the Palazzo - (Camera shutter clicks) - Yes! Okay.
As long as you can still hear me.
(Chuckles) I was also thinking Berlin (Door shuts) Oh hi! Nice day with Sebastien? Very productive.
I think we've laid the groundwork for an exciting enterprise.
I'm sure you'll be a wonderful subject.
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
Today was more about discussing theme, - and tone, mise en scene.
- Uh-huh.
You know, he may have taken a few reference photos, but So he photographed you today then? Hm-hm.
You know just a few dozens snaps about town picturettes, really.
Why would you have allowed this to happen? I don't know he just started shooting and shouting and I did what he told me to do and I "leaned in" to the moment.
How did that work out for you? I leaned in! I don't know, David.
Why don't you try it sometime! (Exhales loudly) Everybody, I'd like to introduce Alexis, she's going to be joining us tonight.
So that way we'll all have partners.
That's great! Dot, you won't need the Swiffer.
I guess I'll be dancing with Ted.
I thought Carol assigns the dance partners.
We'll all get a chance to dance with Ted.
Everyone up! Come on.
This is actually very cute.
Although I did think that there would be more of them.
Yeah, well there used to be, but you know.
Oh, okay, but these ones actually smell like very clean, like baby powder.
Yeah, I think it's probably better if you call the girls by their names.
Ted, could you give me a hand with these chairs here? Of course! We've heard a lot about you.
That is so sweet.
Why would he bring her here? Are you talking about me? You can be my dance partner, dear.
(Big Band Music) Dot.
Does Dot have arthritis? Because it looks like she's giving me the finger.
Well, she has arthritis, but not in that hand.
Bob: Full house.
Read 'em and weep.
And I think I come in second because I got a pair of Queens.
There's no second place, Roland.
Well, you were right about Bob.
He's quite the player.
(Chuckles) I'll go see if Gwen's has any more of these bacon-wrapped scallops.
Yeah, I guess it's another trip to Bob's laundromat, right? You know, because he keeps taking us to the cleaners.
Yeah, we get it, Roland.
I don't think it's an accident that Bob keeps winning.
What are you talking about? Haven't you noticed how Gwen circles the table with appetizers, constantly eying Bob.
Then he lays down a big fat bet and wins.
You know, come to think of it, those matching visors they're a little suspicious I don't want to believe this, But ah, I do miss my wristwatch.
I just think it'd be interesting to see what happens if Gwen wasn't around for the next hand.
Ahhh.
Like if she had an "accident" or something? I don't mean bump her off, Roland.
I mean, if she's not here, if she had to go to the store.
I want to see how Bob's luck gonna hold if when Gwen's not here.
It's worth a shot.
Okay, uh, do you want me to handle this? I'm pretty good in high-stakes situations.
No.
I think, I've got it.
Okay.
Well, I'll ride shotgun with you.
So Bob.
Were just talking about how delicious the food is and you know the only thing missing is Gwen's gotta go! I think what Roland is saying is if she could maybe go to the store to perhaps pick up some a little more Kosher? And halal.
Gwen, you called it! Yeah.
Sure.
Sure.
That would do it.
Yeah and some gluten-free options, for the ladies.
Oh Gosh, I'm sorry I didn't think of this.
But you know, maybe maybe Roland could go? He's running pretty low on chips.
Sure.
I can drive.
I don't think you want to drive, Roland.
I don't mind.
I love driving.
I don't think you do.
Yeah, I don't love driving.
Not at night.
No! And I'm drunk.
Okay.
I'm all right, dear.
I could go.
Thanks, sweetheart.
Good.
All right, so my deal.
- (Crickets chirp) - (Knock on door) David.
I'm glad you're here.
Come in.
Um yeah, I was just getting a drink by the uh the vending machine so I had a prolific day with your mother today.
Yes she said.
Very excited about the shoot.
The photos are really haunting.
Haunting.
Sure she'd be thrilled about that adjective.
Umm, she told me this little trip was supposed to be more of a creative discussion.
David, your Mother is a revelation.
This is the way she was meant to be presented to the world.
I'm sorry.
Is this you deciding what someone else wants again? (Exhales) I-I want you to know that I care about what happened between you and me.
And while my therapist said I should never feel sorrow, I do appreciate your pain.
Okay.
And I wanna explore that.
Uh-huh.
Maybe even physically.
Oh Well, I shouldn't.
Oh you should.
Okay, fine, but um, I can't stay.
(Slow Jazz tune plays) Um, okay Joan, I'm probably wrong, but I feel like the other ladies are very un-soothed by the fact that I'm here.
Oh they are, but don't worry.
It's just that we've just all grown very fond Of Ted.
Oh well we're not dating.
But I do understand that old women can get very possessive about young younger Dear, we know all about the failed engagements.
But don't worry, I'm not going to rake you over the coals to find out how on earth you ever let that one get away.
Or why? Okay It's none of my business and I'm sure you have your reasons.
I'd just want to know what they are? Aggressive move, Joan.
Well, I've been trying to set Ted up with my granddaughter For two years now.
And nothing.
Do you want me to put in a good word? It wouldn't matter.
And you know why? Is she not cute? She's not you.
You must know that Ted is still stuck on you.
I think you ladies are just a little bit confused.
Ted and I are just very close friends.
Hm.
My husband and I were really close friends for 52 years.
Mind if I cut in? Oh, yeah.
But I'm also happy to keep dancing with one of them.
No, I meant I could dance with Joan.
Just the ladies get pretty upset if I don't divide my time between them.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah Uh Well then I will dance with Dot! I would rather dance with the Swiffer.
Okay (Slow Jazz tune plays) Oh, I can't believe I took that with three sevens.
Well, I guess it wasn't Gwen, was it, Johnny? Sorry? Nothing, nothing, Bob.
Well, uh, Johnny had this theory that Gwen and you were Johnny, why don't you tell Bob your theory.
(Crickets chirp) Well, Uh You thought we were cheating? No! No I No offense, but I don't need to cheat to beat any of you.
It's just, you win a lot, Bob.
And there's a reason for that.
Listen now Ronnie, when you - when you have a good hand, you close your cards real quick.
And Ray, when you've got a bad hand, you start tapping your foot.
And Johnny your right eyebrow kind of just pops up And Roland well, you know I don't even know if you know the rules.
I don't know all of them.
No.
Well you know, truth is we put most of the winnings towards the snacks that Gwen serves up.
We thought it was kind of a special evening for everyone.
In my defense, I didn't believed any of this, Bob.
(Foot tapping) Gwen is very trustworthy.
- Ray, you're tapping your foot.
- Okay.
(Kicking thud) (Door opens) - Moira - Good morning, Sebastien.
I was up all night evaluating our little project and I've come to the unfortunate conclusion that you may have misrepresented your intentions.
I wanted to capture the real Moira Rose.
Does the real Moira Rose live in a studio? Or the Palazzo? I have.
And I will again.
If you're planning to capitalize on those images You just have to trust me.
With this work you will, once again, sit atop the summit of cultural conversation, with your inspired unfettering.
Oh, I'd love to believe you, but there's a big fat line between charm and bullshit.
- Give me your camera.
- (Door opens) David?! Umm, yes Sebastien and I just had some um, stuff that we needed to talk about.
Well, I'm having a hard time landing on surprise or betrayal.
Yeah, I should probably go.
So Give me the memory card, Sebastien.
Moira, I'm scared for us.
Oh, you mean this memory card? Yeah, I'd give it back, but I don't think it'll be of much use to you.
It accidentally fell out of your camera into my hand last night.
And then fell out of my hand into my drink.
And then I stepped on it a lot.
So It was really good to see you, Sebastien.
Good luck with the rest of this project.
David, I feel terrible that you had to do that just for me.
It wasn't just for you.
Let's just say we both won.
Okay folks, we're going to start with something a little different tonight.
The game is called crazy eights.
And the diamond shaped things are wild.
Roland, shush.
Well I'm just glad we're back here again, and that we could put all that unpleasantness behind us.
Gwen, these Teriyaki meatballs they're delicious.
Wow and those sliders look incredible.
Those aren't for you.
How's that watch working out for you? I love it.
Thanks.
(Roland teasing quietly): Johnny Joahnny (Amused chuckle) [knocking.]