Solar Opposites (2020) s03e10 Episode Script

Terry, if you didn't waste time
picking out TUMS,
we'd be at Taco Bell by now.
You know damn well the Lip Monster deal
only comes once a year.
Different TUMS pair with different Dews.
Jeez, watch Chef's Table sometime.
I just hope we don't miss
all the good hot sauce packet quips.
I swear, if I get
"Here today, gone tamale" again,
I'll have to lose faith
in the dedication
of the TBell copywriters.
Looks like Glenn left his car on
the curb for one too many Mondays.
He's got to learn the street sweepers
ruled this domain with an iron broom.
Yeah or maybe he hasn't moved his
car because you two shot him into space.
You know, because of that whole thing
with the Crystal Skull Vodka bullet?
[CHUCKLES] What? What bullet?
I don't remember that.
How do you not remember shooting
him into space? It's a big deal.
No! I shoot stuff into space
all the time.
- You wish you
- [ALL SCREAM]
Shut up or I'll shoot you
into space now.
YUMYULACK: I didn't ask to be
on this mission.
Stop it!
We're going to Taco Bell as a family.
This was to be the happiest day,
and you're ruining it.
Still, do you think Glenn is okay
up there in space?
There's no "up there".
Earth is in space.
The dogs are in space. We're in space.
Glenn is in space.
- Don't make a thing of it.
- Don't want to hear of Glenn again.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
[ROARS]
Hey, hey! Someone let me out of here!
This is bullshit!
I've watched enough Law & Order
with my mom to know
I get a phone call.
Come on, please.
I'm a human, I don't belong here.
Well, I'll be damned.
You're a homo sapien, ain't you?
Yes. Thank God. I am.
You've got to get me out of here.
Ooh, boy! We got a real live human man.
- Can't believe you speak English.
- English? No.
My Silversuit
translates your human tongue.
Then why can I understand you?
Why do you have human stuff?
Hat, guitar
Shut the funk up. How did you get
all the way into this galaxy?
My asshole alien neighbor shot me
into space for no reason.
I don't belong here.
They look like them.
Shlorpians.
They spread around the galaxy
like toxic mold on a college showerhead.
Listen, I can tell you
ain't no criminal.
Just a guy caught in the wrong place
at the wrong time.
Yes, exactly.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Put your worries aside, Glenn of Earth.
We'll get you the justice you deserve.
Them Shlorpians should never have
messed with the Silvercops!
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- HALK: Are you okay?
- Barely.
We're on Yumyulack's Seinfeld set,
the very bottom of the Wall.
There isn't anywhere else to fall.
- I know how to get us out. I had
- Shh!
Seinfeld's walls. Shit, mosquitoes.
They're everywhere.
[WHISPERS] Don't make a sound.
- [SQUELCHING]
- Fucking larva.
Shit! Mosquitoes always
defend their young. Run!
[MOSQUITOES SCREECHING]
What the fuck?
[SCREECHING WEAKLY]
Citronella?
Look, the bottom of the Boo-Hoo Hole.
It's been capped with a puck.
Do you remember those?
- Uh, no.
- It was a game we used to play.
Like the '90s version of marbles?
I must've been busy
banging hot dudes to notice.
Wait, you were banging in the '90s?
How old are you?
Look, this tape!
We can get this off easy.
Finally, a light at the end
of this fucked up tunnel. [SCREAMS]
[YELLING]
[CANDLE WHISTLES]
Did that candle just whistle?
[WHISTLING]
[MAN CACKLING]
Welcome to my humble abode.
Oh, my God. He's embedded in the candle.
I used to be the CEO of AT&T.
Then I was a farmer
with a loyal little mouse.
And now I am king of the roaches!
You mean the mosquitoes?
Wait! Fuck! Are there also roaches?
I've always had a connection to animals.
I control my insect army
by blowing into one of their skulls.
It simulates their language. Behold!
[WHISTLING]
I made them kiss.
Jesus! He's lost his mind.
At this point,
he's more citronella than man.
This is a lovely kingdom you have here.
We're just going to head out
and leave you to it.
No! You and your kind ruined my life.
I had the perfect popsicle stick barn
and I had Molly.
Your Wall war killed her.
She was an innocent.
We all lost people that day.
She wasn't people. She was a mouse!
You took her from me,
and now I will take the same from you.
Our mice?
Your lives!
[WHISTLING]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[SCREECHING]
[BOTH SCREAMING]
LONESON: Silvercops protect
the entire quadrant.
A unified brotherhood of justice made up
of aliens from different planets.
How's the arm, Clammer Jammer?
You should've seen the other guy.
This is fucking intense, bro!
Oh, oh! Do you guys have laser guns
and all sorts of cool sci-fi shit?
Lightsabers?
Time-traveling?
Refrigerator bed or something?
We don't need that.
The Silversuit is the most
powerful weapon in the universe.
The ancient Silverites
crafted it from pure silver
that flows from the Silver Falls.
Only those with the purest of hearts
can operate 'em.
Truncheon, gun,
coffee mug for stakeouts.
The Silversuit makes it all.
You guys are like Green Lanterns.
- The what?
- Green Lanterns. The comic book.
Galactic cops. Magic rings.
No, that's stupid. We're a totally
different, way cooler thing.
Anyway, this is a room
that holds Silver battery
we charge our Silversuits with
by reciting an ancient haiku.
Sick.
So, you ready to be a part of this?
A part? Uh, you mean
I am offering you a job as a Silvercop.
But I'm a regular dude
trying to get back to his planet.
I'm not looking for a job in space.
The galaxy calls you, Glenn.
Silvercops have every race
represented in our force.
But we're missing one.
- Italian.
- Human.
Human men, they got a special skill
that no other alien in the galaxy got.
Yeah, we can beat box!
[BEATBOXING]
No. Intuition. Instinct.
You can follow your gut.
Humans are famous for it.
Yeah. Like how I always know
how a woman's tweet
can be better if I explain it.
Exactly! Hot damn, that famous intuition
is already in full effect.
Look, Silver life ain't for everyone
but the forces of evil never sleep.
We could really use someone
with your super powers on the force.
What do you say?
I say, this!
[BEATBOXING]
That meant yes.
I'll be a Silvercop. Yeah.
Silver Team.
I'd like to introduce to you
our newest recruit, Glenn of Earth.
- A human Silvercop.
- A human, on Silverworld?
Glenn, this is Ventress,
the second in command.
Friends call all me Tres.
Females call me all the time.
[LAUGHING]
LONESON: Dorgax,
my hand to hand specialist.
More like claw to claw.
And who could forget Bo Bo?
- Jelly time?
- Not right now, little buddy.
Bo Bo.
Are you fucking kidding me, Loneson?
A human can't handle
the way to Silver justice!
The Salt Cartel will eat him alive.
Chromos, I've seen
his intuition in action. It's special.
Bullshit! Just because he has instinct
doesn't mean
- he's pure enough for a Silversuit.
- I think he is.
- No way.
- How about we find out, partner?
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[DINGS]
[DINGING]
[DINGING]
Let's get you suited up.
No! I changed my mind.
I want to get back to Earth,
get my neighbors arrested
for what they did.
Let the little puss walk.
And I told you
he isn't cut out for this.
Hey, if I knew where Earth was
I would've saddled up a human
a long time ago.
But I don't and I didn't.
Now, if you want a fleaborg's chance
on a hot, scorched skittle
of finding your way home,
you better put on that Silversuit.
[SIGHS]
Silver
[CHANTING IN OTHER LANGUAGE]
GLENN: Fuck!
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING]
I feel so powerful,
like I've gotten the approval of my dad.
Think how proud your dad
would be to see this.
He'd be super proud. My dad loved guns.
He used to sit up all night,
holding one,
staring off into the distance.
What a guy.
[GUN BEEPING]
Damn it! All right, give me a second.
It's my first time.
The Silversuit is an extension
of your own confidence.
The more the suit detects your purity,
the more powers it'll unlock.
Purity. Right. Gotta be pure.
[GRUNTS]
[LAUGHING] I told you this little idiot
was out of his league.
Cut him loose. He'll never be a Silver.
Why are you doing this?
You don't have to live in a candle.
We can help you get back
to upper levels.
Jesse gave us a SodaStream.
It's awesome.
SodaStreams are stupid.
Soda tastes weird
and the carbon dioxide ruins your teeth.
Besides, it's the people I hate.
What did we ever do to you?
I sacrificed everything for your war
and for what?
More lies from Tim?
Murders covered up
by you faking your death?
I didn't fake it. I was [SCREAMING]
Save your breath.
It won't stop me from cleansing
the upper levels for good.
I came down here looking
for Molly's remains, but instead
I found standing water
you never bothered to clean up!
Did you know a 100 mosquito eggs
fit in a single bottle cap
of standing water?
With this, I was able
to build an insect army.
One I will unleash through the Boo-Hoo
Hole to bring balance back to the Wall
by killing at least half of every man
and woman up there!
[SCREECHING]
So basically you're ripping off Thanos.
Nuh-uh, because in Endgame,
Thanos is using the Infinity Stones
to snap everyone into dust.
I have a cool insect army.
Bullshit! You are totally
ripping off Thanos.
Fine. I am ripping off Thanos.
I am ripping off Thanos
and balancing the Wall.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
No one gets it on their first day.
You're being too hard on yourself.
Don't, okay? Only losers spend
time trying to get good at stuff
- they're not perfect at immediately.
- Tell me, Glenn of Earth.
What do you want?
To get back home!
To take a shit in a human toilet.
Play lottery scratchers.
Watch some porn.
The Silversuit isn't a frunking taxi!
By wearing it, you become justice.
Now, what do you want?
- I don't know.
- Tell me!
I want my neighbors to pay
for what they did to my car.
And it wasn't any car.
A Johnny Tran limited edition
from Fast & Furious collection.
I even got vanity plates
I don't care about all that.
Why is the car special to you?
Because I have no personality.
All right?
To you I seem like a cool,
mysterious alien but back home,
I don't have any personality,
so I peacock with cars.
If there's any ding or scratch on them,
it's easier for people
to see that I'm a loser.
That's pure. Clear your mind
and focus only on that.
Focus on being a loser
with a car fetish?
Yes, with a little help from this.
Salt? But isn't that the drug you guys
are in charge of busting?
What are you going to do? Arrest me?
This will get you to relax.
Helps with the Silver bonding process.
How long does it take to [EXCLAIMING]
[BOTH MOANING]
Yeah, frunk my brain with your memories,
you freaky little bitch.
GLENN: Oh, my God.
You're so good at whatever that is.
Now eat my alien ass.
[MOANING CONTINUES]
Holy shit!
[GRUNTING]
Dorgax, look. It worked.
[FARTING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Y'all see that shit?
I'm a Silvercop now. Whoo!
- Man has more silver than second place.
- Bo Bo!
Yeah, well, whatever.
There's a lot more to it than that.
I don't know. It seems like
he's got the hang of it to me.
Tell you what.
Let's bring him along to the raid.
Are you kidding me?
- Jelly time!
- No, God damn it! No, Bo Bo.
Well, we all gotta get thrown
into the fire sometime. Why not now?
Fine. Just keep his rookie shit
the fuck away from me.
[ALL CHEERING]
[CACKLING] Today I Thanos the Wall.
Laugh it up, Yankee candle.
There's just one problem with your plan.
Please. I invented charging
10 cents for text messages.
I think I know how to plan a plan.
- [SCREECHING]
- [LAUGHING]
Nice aim, you dumb bitch.
All you did was open the Boo-Hoo Hole,
which I was about to do anyway.
Yeah, that's what I was hoping.
Because you know what
the Boo-Hoo Hole is full of?
Cry Crying? I don't know.
Spiders, bitch!
This shit got foreshadowed days ago.
No!
All right, now listen up.
Our target is Trog Thracian.
He's the biggest Salt dealer
in this system,
peddles exclusively
to little kids and babies.
This is the frunker
who invented traversian lotion.
You torture someone by rubbing acid
on their dick until it melts off.
- Noodles!
- Ventress and I'll enter from the rear.
Dorgax, Bo Bo, left flank.
Chromos, Glenn, take the right.
I told you to keep this
little fuck away from me.
Sorry, Chromie. We need our best
with the rookie. Show the ropes.
If you know what's best for you,
you'll leave while you still can.
Use that human intuition
I've heard much about.
Whatever, bro. You saw me flying.
I'm pure as hell. I got this.
[GRUMBLES]
All right, people. Go, go, go!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[CACKLING]
[GRUNTING]
- We need to get the hell out of here.
- Yeah, you think?
- [GRUNTS]
- [GROANS]
You don't run
a multinational communications company
without learning
some Krav Maga along the way.
Cherie, get out of here!
[STRAINING]
[SCREAMING]
I lived my whole life
worried about coverage,
and now it's what's killing me!
After this, let's be boring.
Amen to that.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Look, Glenn,
I know what you're trying to do,
but you really need to get out of here.
Get off my back.
What's your problem with me?
I'm trying to do my job.
No, you're fucking not. You're playing
a pathetic superhero fantasy.
But this is real life. People get hurt.
I get it. You're the Raphael
of the group. Cool but rude.
By this time next week,
we're going to be best friends.
This is an empty warehouse.
Where are the drugs?
Loneson, your informant burned us!
Maybe the perps are making a getaway.
Maybe we can tone down
whatever sinister thing this is.
No, the Osmernian frunk rat
we're after is right here.
Is he like the predator
with see-through suit
Shut the frunk up, human.
Hey, leave the kid alone.
I've been with him this whole time.
He didn't do anything. He's not a rat.
- Oh, I know. You are.
- Whoa! What are you doing?
Drop the Silver gun!
I can't. I can't. I'm not in control.
- [GROANS]
- What the fuck?
What are you doing, man?
I didn't do that.
Goldcop! Goldcop!
Salt Cartel must have
tipped you off, huh?
No, it was your arrogance.
You people think because
you're higher up on the periodic table
you can be sloppy? [GRUNTS]
Guys, what's going on here?
It's Chromos. He's one of us.
By order of the Gold,
you are hereby under arrest.
[COUGHS]
Anything you Silver do or Silver say
will be
Frunking Goldcops make me sick!
Glenn! I told you to get out.
Stop! What are you doing?
I thought we were the good guys.
What part of cops don't you understand?
[LAUGHING]
Shit! Got to think pure thoughts.
Guess what? I made that purity shit up
to get you back in the game.
Silversuits don't run on purity.
It takes years of practice.
You frunking idiot.
But my human intuition
I grabbed you out of that cell
because you're a backwater rube.
If you had any ounce of real instinct,
you'd have seen that coming a mile away.
When the other Golds
find out what you did,
they will hunt you down like a mog.
For sure, except we'll be too busy
helping them track down
the dirty human who killed you.
- No.
- Please, please don't do this.
Thanks for letting the Silversuit
bond with your DNA.
It makes it a lot easier
to frame you for murder.
Fuck you. Fuck you!
Oh, God. Oh, God!
I might be crazy,
but that was mighty hot.
[MOANING]
Oh, nothing gets me wetter
than a good framing.
- Jelly time?
- Yes, Bo Bo. Jelly time.
What am I forgetting?
Yeah, to apprehend the bastard
that stole the Silversuit
out of the evidence locker
and killed a Goldcop.
Please don't do this. I'm begging you,
I'm just a pathetic car guy.
Just shut the frunk up
and die with some dignity.
No!
[ALL LAUGHING]
VENTRESS: Come on, man!
We're just teasing!
This is the last chance, man!
[MOSQUITO SCREECHING]
HALK: Oh, God, the Queen mosquito!
- [YELLING]
- Halk!
[STRAINING]
[SCREECHING]
Cherie, get out of here!
[GASPS]
[CHERIE PANTING]
Promise me you'll take care
of little Pezlie.
- So will you.
- I can't have a child of my own.
So knowing you'll take care of yours
will make this easier.
Halk! Shut up!
No more adventures, okay?
You're right. No more adventures.
Tell Nova I love her and I'm sorry.
No!
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
[GRUNTS]
Somebody help! Please.
[CRYING]
Hello? Where is everyone?
What the hell?
- Oh, my Jesse! Are you okay?
- What is going on here?
It's the baptism for the miracle child
gifted to us by Jesse.
[ALL CHEERING]
Welcome, Bowinians,
to the birth of a new age.
Our sweet Jesse has gifted us
the sweetest candy of all.
Pezlie! That's my baby!
Give me back my daughter, you bitch!
Cherie is right.
This baby is her daughter.
She's all our daughters.
This child's mother is the Wall.
CROWD: Wall's baby!
Wall's baby! Wall's baby!
No, I'm telling the truth.
Just ask Sister Sasha.
Sister Sasha died of a heart attack
just last night.
You did this. You're a fucking psycho!
By gifting us this sacred child,
Jesse has bestowed upon the church
the great honor
of leading the Wall into the future.
[ALL CHEERING]
Let the baptism commence.
Stop! That's my baby! Pezlie!
Mommy's coming! You fuckers!
Let me go! I'm fucking coming for you!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIZZLING]
[PEZLIE WAILING]
Go, Glenn. Go have fun.
- VENTRESS: Glenn! Glenn!
- No, no, no.
[WHIMPERING]
- [SIRENS WAILING]
- Shit! Someone must have
called in the gunshots.
Oh, it don't matter.
Atmosphere turns deadly at dawn.
Without a Silversuit, he's frunked.
[ALL LAUGHING]
[SOBBING]
[VOICE BREAKING] Miss my car.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Hurry! Get out of there!
[GRUNTING] Oh, no!
Terry! Jesus! Get some in the pants,
why don't ya?
- Gross.
- Terry!
Terry, you know what happens
if you eat too much Taco Bell.
I can't help it.
I love that Cheesy Crunch.
You're ruining the upholstery
with your Goobler diarrhea.
Lo siento. Lo siento.
[YELLING]
He's gonna be doing that all night.
Oh, yeah.
[YELLING CONTINUES]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]