Strangers with Candy (1999) s03e10 Episode Script

1
[CACKLING AND CLAMORING]
Aw, this loser's goin'
down. Yeah, yeah.
I got it right on his nostril.
[BOMB FLYING]
[BANG]
Hey chumaroonies,
make room for the "Blankster".
Hey, Jerri.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
You're a fat ugly pig!
Catch you guys later.
[WHISTLE AND EXPLOSIONS]
Ladies
Whippets!
Hey, is anyone keepin'
a seat moist for me?
[GIGGLES]
Beat it, dump.
We hate you.
Good one!
I got a joke for you.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
I'm a fat ugly pig!
[WHISTLE AND EXPLOSION]
Yes, yes you are.
Yeah, thanks.
Hey, Jerri!
Over here!
[WHISTLE AND EXPLOSION]
We're working on a dungeons
and dragons poster for the table.
We're re-naming our table
"The Hall of
the Golden Dwarves".
Great, Jerri Blank and
her three ring freakus!
[BOMB WHISTLING]
My leg, oh.
Hello!
I'm Jerri Blank.
32 years ago I dropped
out of high school
and ran away from home.
Oh, I made a lot of friends.
Did a lot of time
I was a boozer
A user
And a loser
I stole the T.V
Did some more time.
But now I'm back in school!
And though the faces
may have changed
The hassles are just the same.
Abraham Lincoln.
[CRACK]
As it is the end of
our school year,
I thought it would be behoovey
If I used my final lesson
to talk about "eschatology",
or "the study of
the end of things".
Now, I asked my lover,
Mr. Jellineck,
to make some transparencies
He's kidding, we're not lovers.
We just have sex.
Hot, ass-thumping sex.
C'mon, people!
I know it's the
last week of school,
but let's wake up!
I speak, you listen.
Gimme that, give me that!
[CRASHING WINDOW]
Lance, lights.
Okay, now,
we are privileged to have
a professional artist
helping us out today.
First up
Armageddon.
What is that?
Armageddon.
No, it's not.
What do I care, I'm a Buddhist.
Fran, you're late!
Am I?
FEMALE STUDENT:
My eye!
Or is the rest of
the world early?
That was pretty cool.
Fran, that was the
coolest comeback ever.
We are so cool!
Yes, I am.
What about me?
I'm cool.
The only reason you're cool
is that you're
a little satellite
orbiting the Planet Frosty.
Surface temperature
Zero degrees "Fran-inheit".
If I wasn't so shallow,
I would be deeply insulted.
I could make anyone cool.
Anyone?
Anyone.
What about
Oh, my dear Lord.
Ah
Jerri Blank!
Sure!
Bring it on.
I'll make Jerri Blank
so cool that
Brent Brooks will
ask her out by Friday.
I stake my cool on it.
NOBLET: Okay,
fine, shut up, shut up.
Lance, lights!
Well, these were useless!
I guess you don't understand
artistic interpretation!
I understand crap!
All right, get out,
class is over.
The bell didn't even ring.
Brrriiinng!
Brrrrrrrrriinng!
Hillary, Lee.
Why all the formalities?
I've always had
a good relationship
with you people from
the school board.
Look, Onyx, numbers don't lie.
This school just isn't
turning a profit.
But it's a public school!
So is a privately-held
corporation,
and they make money.
Well, what can I do?
Oh Onyx, now
nobody said anything
about closing the school.
Oh no! [BOTH CACKLE]
Close my school?
Look, Hillary,
it's not my fault.
Nobody even knows
the school is here.
Maybe we can promote it!
Promoting something costs money,
we wanna make money.
Are you closing my school!?
[SMACK]
I'm insulted.
If we were going to
close the school,
and turn this space
into a strip mall,
don't you think we'd tell you?
You're right, I got spooked.
Ha ha ha, boo!
Why don't we change gears,
talk about the bus situation
for next year
You know, I wouldn't worry
so much about next year.
Yeah, I would just focus on
the last few days of this year.
Try to enjoy yourself,
say goodbye to everybody.
Lee.
Hill.
My school!
How's Orlando's eye?
The school nurse says
the eyeball's fine.
It's the getting it
back in the skull
they're having trouble with.
God, I sure like fireworks.
They're loud.
Don't forget, Jerri,
we're playing Dungeons
& Dragons tomorrow.
[SIMULTANEOUSLY]
Death to the goblins!
[GOBLIN NOISES]
Hi, Jerri.
Y-Y-Ya talkin' to me?
Yep.
I'm guessing this is a dream.
Only difference is, uh,
you're not naked and
tied to a radiator.
[FAKE LAUGH]
This is no dream, Jerri.
I was hopin' we could hang out.
Where you headed?
I was just walkin' over to, uh,
anywhere you wanna go.
Great, maybe we could
go over to your house
and pal around a little bit,
then I can gain your confidence
and re-mold you like
an ugly lump of clay.
That sounds great!
Hello, Mother.
What's goin' on, are we moving?
Oh Jerri, don't you
think if we were moving
I would tell you?
Oh right, anyway,
this is my new, super cool,
popular friend, Fran.
Ooh! Actually I'm
her step-mother.
Since you're so popular,
I wouldn't want you to think
she slithered out of my womb.
Mom, the movers just called
Uh, Fran, you look like
excellent, breeding stock.
Can I interest you
in my son, Derrick?
I don't think so.
May I ask why?
Hello, Derrick.
Pretty girl.
Touch the pretty girl?
That's why.
How's it taste, Mother,
to know that I is the cooler
of your two children?
Nothing you say can defrost me!
C'mon, Fran.
By the way, Jerri,
did you by any chance
wipe your ass
on our bathroom towels?
[MUTTERING] Gracias,
perdon por favor.
Before I dignify that
with an answer,
let me get this straight.
You're asking me if I wiped
my ass on the towels?
Yes, Jerri.
You have the
"huevos mas grandes"
trying to make me look
like some filthy animal
in front of my super
cool friend Fran?
Did you do it?
Yes
I was in a hurry.
[STOMPING AWAY]
Wow, Jerri.
Your room is so
Grotesque.
Thanks.
Uh
Looks like a
serial killer's crawl space.
What a silly thing to say.
[CLUNK, CLUNK]
Hey, I have an idea
Let's do something girly.
Why don't I grab
some nail polish
and we can paint
each others, uh
Clitorises.
Look, Jerri
Why don't we play
a little game instead.
Games!
Here are the rules,
you do whatever I say,
even if it means hurting
yourself or your loved ones,
and I'll try to keep
my lunch down, sound fun?
Fun!
You're gonna have
to go on a diet.
Diet!?
Secondly, get rid of
everything you hold dear.
And while you're doing that,
I'm gonna go home and
De-contaminate.
Hey, Fran,
thanks for bein' my friend.
[SARDONIC TITTER]
Uh, may I?
Oh of course
It's the only picture I have
left of my dead daddy.
I miss him ter-r-ibly.
Hey, uh, Fran, maybe
tomorrow we can hang out
in the lunch room
with my buddies!
Oh, perfect!
That'll be a great time
to ditch them forever.
But-but they're my friends!
I'm your friends now, Jerri.
Tomorrow you tell them good-bye.
[CRUMPLE]
[FLAP]
Ooh, sausage fingers!
Diet, Jerri, c'mon.
Look at those losers.
Losers? They're playing
Dungeons & Dragons!
Snip, snip, Jerri.
Chop, chop.
"You head into the hills
toward the hall of
the Dwarven Lord"
Guys, s'up?
Tammi got trapped in the
hall of the Frost Giant King.
But, I found a Vorpal Sword,
and now I'm a 12th-level
Wizard King!
Oh, now you can slaughter
all the gnomes!
C'mon Jerri, sit down and play.
[SNIPPING SOUNDS]
Ohthe thing is,
here's the funny thing
I'm gonna be droppin'
y'all as friends.
What?!
Talking about?
I'm running with a different,
cooler crowd now.
I'd invite you to come along,
but I'm afraid you
might get frostbite.
But Jerri
We're your only friends.
I have new only friends.
You know the people who
would never talk to me?
Well, I'm one of them now.
I'm sorry for hurting you.
Eh, would you do me a favor
and pass along the hurt to Orlando
when he comes out of
the eye re-attachment center?
[UNCOMFORTABLY LAUGHS]
Boy, sure is hard to
betray your friends!
[PATTING]
Mmmmm!
Trust me, Jerri, you did
the right-wrong thing.
Let's go celebrate together,
alone.
Without each other.
See ya.
NOBLET:
Gain way!
Run away teacher!
JELLINECK:
Whoooo! Watch your toes!
This thing is a hoot!
God, you're lucky!
Whoops, look at the time.
I better get back to class.
All aboard!
Woo woo!
Hey, I hope you finished
your charcoal and
[HAMMERING AND DRILLING]
What's going on here?
This is my classroom!
Some, uh
general improvements.
Well, couldn't it wait
until my class was over?!
We're on a tight schedule.
We've got a grand
opening on Friday.
A grand opening of what?
The improvements?
We'll see about this!
Look sharp!
You're in big trouble, mister!
And then, it just
popped back in.
There were so good
They just popped it
back in. It popped back in.
[POP]
[CACKLING]
Did you see that?
Nailed him in the noggin'!
He went down like
a ten-dollar whore!
Oh, Orlando.
I told you Brent was cool.
You ready to be his girlfriend?
I don't know, maybe
I should hit the crapper
and freshen up
on what's gone sour.
Look, Jerri,
as long as you're with me,
you'll never go bad,
'cause I've got you
stored in my crisper,
and the "re-Fran-gerator"
is always dialed up to 9.
Hey, Brent.
Hey, Fran.
You seem really detached today.
Thanks, I see you're
going for aloof.
Nicely done.
Thanks.
Have you met my new friend?
No, where is she?
Right here.
Oh yeah.
Hey.
S'up?
So, what do you think of her?
Think of who?
Jerri.
Who's he?
Oh yeah hey.
[WHINING AROUSINGLY]
Fran back.
[BOOM]
Ah!
MALE STUDENT: Brent,
c'mon, we're goin' to the roof!
We'll talk to you later, Brent.
Ay-aight.
I'll never be cool!
Don't worry Jerri,
cool starts here.
In the heart?
No, with me.
Look, your freezing point
is way lower than I thought.
We're gonna have to
move on to stage two.
Iris?
Iris!
Where'd you get that sticky bun?
At the Sticky Bunnery.
That's Coach Wolf's class!
That's Coach Wolf!
Welcome to the Sticky Bunnery.
"Bite my buns,
I need your dough."
How may I serve you?
Coach Wolf,
what's the "dealie-yo"?
What can I say Onyx?
The pay's better,
and they've got child care.
Child care, that's madness!
Is there a problem here?
Cassie, what's happening?
What's happening?
What's happening is
we're not moving any buns!
I demand
Look, do you want a bun or not?
This is an outrage!
Give me a baker's dozen.
Hillary, Lee,
a bunnery in our high school?
It just doesn't make any sense!
Yeah, but it does makes sense
in a strip mall.
So you are closing my school!
Onyx, where are you
getting this?
Now please read nothing
into this next statement:
We'll need you to
clean out your office.
We'll see about this!
Oh, welcome to
the Dry Cleanerie.
May I help you?
[FLAME BOILING]
These whiskers are just not
coming off. God, seriously.
We'll need a shovel
for her nose hair.
Still!
Still!
Will you just keep steady!
Ugghh!
Nothing seems to be taking.
Let's go back in.
It's all this grease.
Face looks like a chicken wing.
Okay, that's enough.
Oh my God!
Somehow her plainness
won't let go.
Why are you fighting us, Jerri?
Let go, Jerri!
Surrender to the cool side!
[SCREAMING]
Yaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Hey, sexy!
Hey mama!
See anything you like, señor?
[PURRING]
Seems weird dressing up
as our game characters
without Jerri.
She made such a good homunculus.
Yeah, I sure miss her.
You two, better cheer up,
or I'll splash you with
enchanted nectar
from the wizard's pond!
Ow, ow!
You guys dressed up
as your characters!
I could've worn
my horn and hump!
Shouldn't you be with
your new friends, Jerri?
Oh, that's right,
you guys are
a bunch of losers.
Jerri, why do you look
so weird?
The girls gave me a makeover!
You like it?
I miss the old Jerri.
Jerri, why can't you just
be yourself, like us?
Why do you have to pretend?
Wow, Jerri!
If I didn't know better,
I'd think I was looking
into a mirror
that was hideously distorted.
Thanks, Fran.
There's Brent
I bet he's got something
he wants to ask you.
Jerri, stay with us.
Pull, keep pulling!
Torn!
Open up! Open up!
We got a customer with
a sticky-bun stain!
Principal Blackman!
Principal Blackman!
BLACKMAN: Go away,
the principal's not here!
You certainly won't
take him alive!
It's Noblet and Jellineck!
Is there something
happening to the school?
Noblet.
Where'd you get that corn dog?
At the new Corn Doggerie
down the hall.
[GRUNTS INFURIATED]
[DOOR CREAKING]
Come inside.
I need your help reaping
what others have sown.
Jerri, you have to
come talk to Brent
before your makeover
rejects your face.
ORLANDO: Let's
all be friends Jerri!
Ouch! There's plenty of
stuff we can do together!
Why can't we all just get along?
No, we can't!
Jerri, you're gonna
have to choose
whether to stay here and
be uncool in loser land,
or to follow me
into "Fran-tarctica".
Ahhhhhhhh!
Gimme those.
I just realized that
I'm not being true to myself.
Fran
I won't go with you.
Because I'd rather be
unhappy and plain
with average friends
than be happy and beautiful
with friends that are
better than my old ones.
I'm sorry, but that's
just the way I feel!
I'm cooler than you, "Frantic",
and you wanna know why?
Because I'm not.
Think about it, I haven't.
I just wanna know
one thing, Jerri Blank.
How'd you get such a big heart?
Kaza-kaza-wa?
I see now that
you are cooler than me.
I don't treat people very well,
and that's not very cool.
So if you'll excuse me,
I have some learning to do.
I'm going to go live in
the gutter for 32 years
and just find out
what makes you tick.
Well I'm off to be a whore!
She's gonna make
a chunk of change.
Oh, for the first time
in my life
I made the right decision!
And it's all because
of Flatpoint High.
Flatpoint forever!
I missed you guys!
It is over!
The end of all things!
The day of wrath, long foretold.
The shepherd has been struck
and the sheep
shall be scattered!
What are you saying?
How much plainer can I say it?
They've turned the school
into a strip mall.
It's over!
Kick 'em, Donks!
[EVIL CACKLE]
Sweet baby Jesus,
what the hell's happening?
Onyx!
You will never turn Flatpoint
into a strip mall now!
Ha ha ha!
We weren't going to turn it
into a strip mall!
We weren't?
Yeah, we were.
NOBLET: Get in there, get in!
You'll be safe in there!
Hurry up!
Get your monkey ass out!
C'mon, get out
Jerri!
[CACKLING]
[EXPLOSION]
[BOOM]
[GLASS BREAKING]
I love the smell of
flaming sticky buns.
We sure sent a message,
and we'll be shouting
that message,
even from our jail cells.
Jail, what do you mean "jail"?
Well, we did burn down
a school and
Kill a few people.
Oh yeah, we're goin' to jail.
I don't think so boys!
You're comin' with me.
Back to the streets
where we'll fight like
dogs for scraps of food
and we'll sell
our bodies for smack.
Beats teachin'.
Lead on you
stupid, junkie whore!
[POLICE SIRENS]
I can't run in these shoes!
[MORE EXPLOSIONS]
[BELL RINGING]
Can't you hear
those cavalry drums ♪
hijacking
your equilibrium ♪
then have snacks
in the mausoleum ♪
where the pixilated
doctors moan ♪
come and follow us
in the pale moonlight ♪
breathing freer
by the candlelight ♪
coke heads bitch slap
you're so polite ♪
till you thank them
for the tea and sympathy ♪