Suburgatory (2011) s03e10 Episode Script

If the women of Chatswin had a church, it would be "Our Lady of Perpetual Beauty Pageants.
" And if that church had a pope, it would be the 10-time Little Miss Chatswin glitz grand-prix champion, Dalia Royce.
Please, Dalia.
She's been through so much.
She's had her ears pinned, her stomach stapled.
All she needs now is you.
Please.
Just get me across the finish line.
Get up.
I'll coach her.
But we're gonna have to do something about her hair, shoes, and scrawny little shoulders.
Yes! Oh, God, yes! Those pageant hopefuls may have thought Dalia was being generous, but she was in it for the glory.
Get out.
Unlike me, who truly cared about Chatswin's youth.
You can't stay with me through lunch, can you? No, I'm afraid I can't.
In that case, I guess I'll take a chance with the dweebs Or the axe body spray posse.
You know what? I think the dweebs.
Watching Victor navigate the cutthroat cafeteria scene took me back.
I could identify with Victor almost as much as I could with that mini Lena Dunham No.
getting iced by the blonde squad.
Hey, Alana.
What was that? Oh, those girls didn't want me to sit with them.
Are you kidding? Of course they want you to sit with them.
Okay, they don't want you to sit with them, but it's because you're smarter than them way smarter, and they can't hang.
That's not the reason.
It's because they're all contenders for Little Miss Chatswin and I'm not.
Says who? Her.
Those little bitches.
It was Dalia and her crew all over again, and I wasn't gonna let Alana suffer the way I had.
Suburgatory 3x10 - No, You Can’t Sit with Us Original air date April 23, 2014 Okay.
Big, huge news, gents.
Sheila is occupied the entire weekend with beauty-pageant duties.
That means you, Broseph, and you, Broses, are going to accompany me on a much-earned and much-needed mancation.
Nut-scratch 2014! Uh, yeah, man.
I could I could use some dude time.
I don't know about you two, but I am in dire need of reconnecting with that musky scent of manhood that I lost when Sheila became the breadwinner.
Mancation.
Let's do it.
I'm thinking go-karts.
Boom! I was kind of thinking Springsteen show followed by the dog track.
And I was kind of thinking that you two could have your little sleepover with your baby bikinis on while this guy goes and plays a real man's game.
Chasing Bambi.
I thought that was a suburban myth.
Oh, no.
It's all too real, Brosephine Baker.
W what is Chasing Bambi? Oh, it's an illegal, where your prey is a naked adult lady woman! It's "Call of Duty" meets Chuck E.
Cheese meets big, jiggly boobies! Okay.
You have a daughter, Fred.
Get ahold of yourself.
Just wanted to quickly remind you that Victor Ha needs to do 20 minutes of his "reading rang" workbook every day so he doesn't fall behind at school.
Why are you telling me? Because you're in charge of Victor this weekend.
I'm in charge of Victor? I'm going on mancation.
You said! And what kind of mancation would it be without your little man in training? Where are we going, dad? Is it Disney World? Wherever we go, it'll feel like Disney World if I'm with you.
Oh, Victor, you are light and you are laughter.
Let me make you a bit.
Who was that guy? Sign-ups for Little Miss Chatswin.
And for the first time ever, I had a horse in the race.
I don't know, Tessa.
I don't feel very comfortable about this.
That's because those mean girls tried to make you feel like you don't belong, but you do.
Tessa, what a nice surprise to see you here.
In other words, what are you doing here? I am here to register a unique and gifted friend of mine.
Oh.
Sorry.
I had a rock-hard one in there.
You know this is a pageant, right? In which we, the judges, will be ranking young ladies based on their poise, elegance, and talent.
And this young lady has all of the above.
Well, of course she does.
Why wouldn't she? We just need your name right there.
As well as three forms of identification.
Oh, and a current utility bill.
Three forms of are you kidding? That's discrimination.
She is 10 years old.
Her only form of I.
D.
is a Frozen Yogurt Club card.
- I'm afraid those are the rules.
- Says who? Says me.
I should have known.
Whenever anything sounded too mean to be true, there was always one person responsible.
So, why don't you guys just crawl back under the pile of books you crawled out from under? They love books.
She's right.
Let's go.
No! No.
We are not going anywhere.
Alana has just as much of a right to be here as any of you do, okay? And let me tell you something.
Not only is she going to enter the pageant, but with my help, she is going to win it.
Finger out of your nose, I beg you.
Now, I know camping wasn't at the top of any of our lists.
Yeah, it wasn't even at the bottom of my list, Fred.
You know, I get paid to babysit babies, all right? $7.
50 an hour.
I'm sorry.
This was the only thing I could come up with that was both manly and child-friendly.
Let's just make the best of it, shall we? Oh, now let's just see if my old scout-leader survival skills - don't come flooding back to me.
- You were a scout leader? Well, they used to call me The Firemaker.
You want to know why? It's a pretty self-explanatory nickname, Fred.
Build the fire.
Wow, Fred.
Look at you go.
That's pretty impressive.
That takes a lot of stamina.
Oh, I cannot feel my arms! I'm hyperventilating.
I can't breathe, and my body temperature is dropping.
We're gonna die.
Are you sure someone actually trusted you to lead a troop of scouts? Well, truth be told, I, uh I didn't serve that long.
They they kicked me out after three weeks for "seeming gay.
" Okay, we have a lot to do in a very short period of time.
So I say we play to your strengths and focus on what ally matters your talent.
Do you have any special skills that we can showcase? I'm lactose tolerant only one in my family.
Okay.
There's that.
There's that.
We have something.
But is there anything else you are especially good at? You know what? Let's tackle the interview portion first and bone up on some current events.
Do you like to read the newspaper? News comes on paper? Yes.
Alana didn't outwardly exhibit Little Miss Chatswin qualities, but that was what I liked about her.
She was the anti-Dalia, unlike While they bronzed and bathed in chemicals Don't breathe.
That stuff is really toxic.
We smiled wholesomely.
Perfect.
Perfect.
While they injected their faces We projected our voices.
Okay, that sucked.
Let's try it again with a lot more reverb and auto-tune and robot sounds and someone else's voice coming out of your mouth.
Oh, prepare for a melty taste explosion.
These are just like s'mores, only better.
How better? Well, instead of chocolate, I used craisins.
Craisins aren't melty.
What's the melty part? I substituted wholesome pita for the graham cracker.
And instead of marshmallow, I used nutritious soft-boiled egg.
Why? Why would you do that to s'mores? Well, uh, Sheila doesn't like me having sweets, so But, uh, look.
Close your eyes and, you'll you'll never know the difference.
Mm.
- Hmm.
This is inedible.
- I'm leaving.
- Mm.
- Come on, Noah.
Trips like this are what childhood memories are made of.
Yeah, where is the kid anyway? Yeah, he has been awfully quiet.
Victor? Victor! Oh, my God.
I lost Victor.
I'm a dead man.
Fred wasn't the only one who'd lost sight of something important.
Have you seen how much weight little Avery Sillstrop has put on? Ooh, not so little anymore, I'm afraid.
My guess is this year she'll be juggling her chins - instead of her pins.
- Oh.
I said "chins" instead of "pins.
" No, I heard you.
It was terribly clever what, with the words that rhyme and all.
It's just is it me, or have y'all gotten meaner than you used to be? It's you.
We've always been mean.
- Every year.
- Yeah.
- It's our tradition.
- Right.
It's just, do we have to be so judge-y? Well, I am, in fact, a judge.
Yep.
She has to be.
- Victor! Victor! - Hey, buddy! - Buddy, can you hear us?! - Victor! Victor! - Well, I'm calling it.
- What? What is wrong with you? I'm just saying that we have pretty much looked everywhere.
Okay, we are not calling it.
We're never calling it.
My son is missing in the woods.
Come on.
He's just a rental, right? He is a foster child, not a rental.
Okay.
And he is just as much my son as if he sprung from my loins! Okay, buddy.
And we will not stop looking, even if it kills us.
Because if it doesn't, Sheila will.
Oh, God.
I'm lightheaded.
I think it's dehydration.
It is.
Dehydration has set in.
Okay, I need water.
Where's a water source? Where oh! This foul trickle will have to suffice.
I have a full gatorade right here.
Meanwhile, the pageant girls were quenching their thirst from another questionable source.
- Um, what's that? - It's go-go juice.
Oh, you don't know about that? Everyone does it.
Gives them their pluck and sparkle.
You need some? No.
No.
We don't need some.
Alana has plenty of natural pluck and sparkle.
Does she, though? Come on, kid.
Get up.
We got to practice your song.
Do we have to? Yes, we have to.
Just trust me.
After all the work you and I did, everybody is gonna be blown away.
And face, ha, and flick! Keep it going.
Present.
Pray.
Face.
Take the floor.
Down.
Oh, shniz.
She's singing my song.
What a coinkydink.
That's no coinkydink.
Excuse me.
I can't believe you.
You spied on us? Why would I spy on you? That would mean I'd have to look at you up close and you're bad enough from afar, far away.
You just expect me to believe that you happened to pick the same song? I know it might be hard for you to understand because of how unpopular you are, but that song was super popular.
Now, if you'll excuse us, Sergei's on the clock.
We're so psyched to have him since Gaga broke her hip.
Two, three, and Watching Dalia's protegé practice, I realized Alana didn't have a chance.
For us to have a shot, I'd have to play dirty.
After a long, cold night of searching, Fred and George were no closer to finding Victor.
Victor, is that you? That is a tree, Fred.
You're hallucinating.
You really should not have drunk that water.
Oh, God.
Oh, God! Excuse me.
- I have to go again.
- Okay.
Where have you been?! I've been looking for Carlos Hector what's his name? It's Victor.
Oh, thank God.
You found him? Fred, no, we didn't find him.
Pull up your pants.
Where did you get that shawl? I had it with me the whole time.
You are a liar.
You are a lying liar with Lo Mein on your shawl.
Okay.
Okay.
I I I might have taken a short trip into town for a little Panda.
But, guys, you should understand that when my blood sugar plummets, I am no good to anybody.
We're starving out here! Not even some cream cheese rangoon? A freaking egg roll? No, I didn't - I should choke you out with this thing.
- No.
Stop it! Gentlemen, no! Victor, my boy! You're alive! You're alive! And I see you've fashioned a makeshift nest.
It was nothing.
Mother nature always provides, unlike my birth mother, who provided very little.
Here, dad.
Eat this.
Well, buddy, you must have done a lot of camping in your native land.
We did sleep outside a lot, but we just called it hiding.
Victor, that herb you gave me is really settling my stomach.
It's also good for increasing sexual stamina.
What can't you do, young man? Well, I couldn't make you guys be happier on this trip with me.
I don't fit in at school.
I don't fit in with you and your friends.
I guess I don't fit in anywhere.
Maybe I should just stay in the wild.
Oh, Victor.
Come here.
It's your choice, buddy.
Victor had survived in the woods, but to survive this pageant, I would have to be strategic.
Dallas.
How are you holding up? I don't know.
Did you ever enjoy something and then suddenly one day, it just doesn't sit right with you anymore? Like garlic.
I used to take down cloves of the stuff, and now it repeats on you.
Then it's just unpleasant.
I hear you.
You know what's not sitting right with me? Hmm? Go-go juice.
Are you aware that these women are putting liquid speed in their children's sippy cups? Yeah, but it sure does give them a little extra pep in the step, doesn't it? I guess, but it could also give them little pint-sized heart attacks.
I checked the pageant bylaws, and performance enhancers are expressly forbidden.
Now, maybe the reason the pageant isn't sitting right with you is because of how corrupt it's become when you are such a moral and otherwise ethical person.
You know what? I am both of those things you just stated.
I had convinced Dallas to ban performance enhancers from the competition.
Hand it over, sweetie.
We're playing clean here.
With any luck, the playing field had been leveled.
Put your hands together for last year's runner-up, Nadia Nergen! Wake up and dance, sweetheart.
Get up there and poke her.
Poke her harder! Turned out that without go-go juice Your daughter is ruining my show.
Little Miss Chatswin was kind of a snooze.
All right.
Alana, this pageant is yours to lose.
All you have to do is get through the new material.
I wrote some stuff for you, okay? Just a couple of knock-knocks and a pretty cool "what's the deal with popsicles?" riff.
And I thought that you could hit them with that impression of your dog eating the peanut butter.
Don't worry.
You are gonna have them in stitches.
Although half of them are already in stitches thanks to all the plastic surgery they've had.
Seriously, there is more botulism in that audience than a prison cafeteria.
Oh, yeah.
And no big words because their collective IQ is in the double digits.
I'm being kind.
Those are good ones.
I'm gonna use those.
No, no.
Don't use those.
Okay.
What's the deal with these pageants? Look at Dallas Royce here.
Is she smiling, or is her face pulled so tight that she doesn't have a choice? Stick to the script, kid.
She's got more botulism in her face than a prison cafeteria.
This girl knows what I'm talking about.
I set out to protect Alana from bullies, but instead I had turned her into one.
Lick my glitter dust, losers.
Guys, honestly, that wasn't supposed to be part of the act.
She went rogue up there.
Really? Tessa, I'll have you know I may be a moral and ethical person.
But I'm not an idiot.
You played me.
And for the record, God made this.
May have had some help with these and that right there is just hard work at the gym.
And a butt implant.
What? I had jeopardized my friendship with Dallas and stooped to Dalia's level.
You know, Tessa, you may have tricked everyone else into thinking you were helping Alana to actually make a difference, but I know you were just doing it to hurt me.
And what hurts the most is, you ruined my perfect track record.
So, congratulations.
Oh, my gosh.
Dalia's about to lay her first tear.
Somebody grab me a mason jar quick! Do you have an 8? Go fish.
Damn it! He's too good.
It's like he knows what cards we need before we do and then intentionally doesn't have them.
Uncle Noah, do you have a queen? You know I do.
Bastard.
That's it.
Victor, you are aptly named.
What? Whether the goal is a mancation or a sparkling trophy, it's not worth it if it means people get hurt along the way.
Excuse me, everyone.
Um, there is still an award that hasn't been given out.
What's she talking about? Cutest non-white? We're not allowed to do that anymore.
Ladies and a few gay gentlemen, for everything that they have contributed to the pageanting arts, please join me in presenting the first annual "Tessa Altman is a big, fat jerk" award to the mother-and-daughter duo, Dallas and Dalia Royce! Here they come Tan and skinny b hair and teeth nah, nah, nah, blah they did it Oh! Oh, my goodness.
I don't know what to say.
It's so unexpected.
Dalia? I'd like to thank my Lord and Savior.