Teachers (2016) s03e10 Episode Script
Hot Deadly Dad
1 [ROCK MUSIC.]
That's when Detective Johnson realized that Fuad couldn't be the Cook County Killer.
There's no chance a man with such severe rheumatoid arthritis could have used a hacksaw to cut through the women's necks.
So, who did murder Magdaline and the six other women? And how long will Chicagoland live in terror? - [BRIGHT MUSIC.]
- Thanks for joining us for this installment of "Victim.
" I'm Rachel Schwartz.
Special thanks to WBEZ Chicago and our sponsor, MailChimp.
When are they gonna catch this guy, right? So so he's still out there? Yes, Robby, but don't worry.
He only kills girls.
[GASPS.]
Oh, there you are.
You're over two hours late.
I was worried you might've gotten in an accident hit your head, and were suffering from amnesia.
Then I'd have to remind you who I am for the next six months.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
No, sorry.
I got a call to rescue a stray dog.
But you didn't have your rescue stuff.
Oh, um, you know, uh, I didn't need it.
It was a small dog.
- Okay.
- Hey.
I hate to do this, but I'm gonna need a rain check on tonight.
- I am exhausted.
- Oh, that's okay.
We can just hang out tomorrow night at dinner.
[SIGHS.]
Actually, can we reschedule that too? Why? I, um, you know, I forgot that I signed up to volunteer at the children's hospital.
Well, I guess it would be selfish of me to ask you to cancel that.
I mean, unless the kids aren't that sick.
They're pretty sick though, right? Yeah, I know they are.
But if you show up and all the kids are gone, you can just give me a call oh, gone because they've been discharged, - not gone because they - [DOOR CLICKS.]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
Okie-dokie.
I guess that's my cue.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
Good night.
That little turd, Shane Coop, just told me I look like I ate Paul Blart, Mall Cop.
God, I hate the dirtbag family.
Who's the dirtbag family? Can't believe you don't know who the dirtbags are.
How can you tell? It's a public school.
Every school has one.
There's at least eight of them.
They all look the same.
They're always greasy from working on their mini bikes, and every year, one of them brings fireworks to school.
At Fillmore, it's the Coops.
Artie Coop's in my class [GASPS.]
He does bring pork rinds and a can of Jolt for lunch every day.
Poor bastards.
They're all doomed to end up on parole or Maury Povich.
Wait, why? Because they're poor? No.
I refuse to believe that these kids are bound to a certain fate because of their economic status.
[SCOFFS.]
You're such a hypocrite.
You're just saying that because you're poor now.
That's not true.
I care.
If I take them under my wing, I can turn my life around.
You just said, "my life.
" I meant their life.
Lives.
Morning, queens.
Hi.
Caroline, how are you handling the breakup? Oh, you know, uh, some days are better than others.
If you ever need someone to talk to, just know I'm always here.
- Ugh.
- Thanks.
- Is she wearing - Tights instead of leggings? Yes.
I can't believe a grown-ass woman's still wearing - day-of-the-week underwear.
- It's actually helpful.
I almost forgot it was Wednesday.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Mary-Louise, did you hear another woman went missing last night? They think it was the Cook County Killer.
Who's the Cook County Killer? Have you not been listening to "Victim"? This guy kills women in Thatcher Woods, takes them to a basement, which they know because they found mold spores on the body, then covers them in lacquer to preserve them so he could have sex with their bodies.
[EERIE MUSIC.]
But I'm sorry did you need something? One second I have to wipe my mind and reset.
Okay.
Hot Dad's been acting strange lately.
He came home late last night and lied about where he was.
And then he canceled dinner tonight.
He lied about where he was last night? Where was he Sunday night? - He went for a run.
- The whole night? What about two weeks ago Tuesday? Same as every Tuesday he drives along the highway to look for stray animals.
Stray animals, or single women with no ties to the community? What about August 12th, May 24th, or January 30th? How should I know? Those were all the nights women were abducted.
Mary-Louise, what if Hot Dad is the Cook County Killer? - [LAUGHS.]
- I'm serious.
This makes perfect sense.
The only reason Hot Dad's okay not having sex with you is because you're still alive.
Oh, that's not true.
He likes being abstinent.
He says it's a lovely challenge.
Wrong! He's gonna lacquer you! Your boyfriend exhibits textbook serial killer behavior.
He is smart, charming, and super good-looking.
I mean, think about it Ted Bundy, Richard Ramirez, the Craigslist killer hot, hotter, hottest.
The writing's on the wall, Mary-Louise.
He is the Cook County Killer.
Hey.
Forgot my supplies.
She's wearing tights, right? Yeah.
I can see her tootie crack.
- Do you think she knows? - Oh.
Probably not.
Someone should tell her.
Someone totally should, but I am so busy busy, busy bee.
Oh, my God.
I have so much to do.
Why have I been talking to you? What was the point? [LAUGHS.]
Cecelia, your bangs look really nice.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
You should look at them in a full-length mirror.
Okay.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Enjoy recess, and remember what we learned yesterday.
A broken bird's egg is not a treasure.
It's trash.
Uh, Artie? I'm gonna need you to stay in today.
I didn't pee in the garbage can.
Great.
I want you to know that I see a wealth of untapped potential in you.
If you and I work together, we can alter the course of your life in a very profound way.
- Okay.
- Wonderful.
Let's start with table manners.
Why are there a billion forks? Thank you for asking.
There's one for every course, Arthur.
- It's Artie.
- Not anymore.
This is a dinner fork.
This is a salad fork.
This is a fish fork, and this is a spork.
If you see one of these at a restaurant, leave.
Oh, those are for lobster claws.
To replace them, like a prosthetic? My uncle's got a fake leg 'cause of the diabetes.
No.
No.
These are to crack open a lobster claw.
Man, lobster pinches me, I'll just bash him with a crowbar.
- Bam! - Hey, Artie? I saw some kids beating up your brother on the playground.
My dad says, "No one hits Coop but Coop.
" - I'm out of here.
- Oh, wait! You weren't excused.
Arthur? You trying to "My Fair Lady" this kid is the saddest thing I've ever seen, and I once saw Rob Schneider do stand-up.
We're making a lot of progress.
I know you're having a hard time with your breakup, but isn't there something else you can busy yourself with, like whittling yourself a dildo? - I don't whittle my dildos.
- So you do have a dildo? This has nothing to do with Toby.
Fine.
But even if you do get through to Artie, there's still seven more garbage kids to pull him back into the vortex.
[COCKNEY ACCENT.]
Henry Higgins.
Just you wait.
I'll reform them all.
Knock, knock Sweetie, are you home? Honey? I just popped by to bring you some surprise I-love-you cookies because Surprise, I love you - Don't go in the basement! - [PLATE CLATTERS.]
Sorry, babe.
The light doesn't work down there.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Didn't want you to fall and hurt yourself.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
[GASPS.]
Beautiful bisque play, Dusty! Croquet is the sport of the upper class you don't sweat, and you can do it while holding an Arnold Palmer.
Can we go home now? No.
I don't wanna be alone.
Uh, I mean, we haven't worked on our postures yet.
Books.
[HARPSICHORD MUSIC.]
Remember, ears over your shoulders, shoulders relaxed, and always look down at people from your nose ever so slightly.
It helps others remember their place.
Single file.
Nice and organized.
Crystal May, you're doing great.
[COCKNEY ACCENT.]
They'll be back to selling flowers at Covent Garden by the end of the week.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Are you sure he's not home? This is so stupid.
I can't believe you talked me into this.
I should've never told you he raised his voice.
And Pastor Ted always says, "Thou shalt not snoop.
" It's basically the 11th commandment.
Do you know what the 12th commandment should be? Thou shall not kill.
Ever heard of that one, Jesus? He's hiding something, Mary-Louise, and it's probably multiple murder victims.
Well, being here without him knowing feels wrong.
Do you think Clarice Starling felt guilty about snooping around Buffalo Bill's kill lair? He's not a killer.
I'm just doing this to prove to you he's innocent.
[GASPS.]
It's locked.
- [TENSE MUSIC.]
- Oh, my God.
- This is getting juicy.
- [CUPS CLATTERING.]
There's gotta be a key around here somewhere.
Chelsea, be careful.
You're making a mess.
Ugh, my God.
He won't even notice.
He's too busy getting up in some lacquered puss.
Please don't say, "puss.
" They haven't found the latest missing girl yet.
She's probably down there in a soundproof room, dirty, naked, and eating baked beans.
Why baked beans? Because that's all he gives her.
Mary-Louise, look.
Kill trophies.
They're probably just leftover from Sharon.
Oh, really? Because the initials on this locket are "L.
K.
" So unless Sharon's real name is LaSharon, this locket belongs to missing 27-year-old dental hygienist, Lauren Klubshire.
[GASPS.]
Be on the lookout for a red hoodie.
The woman who just went missing was last seen wearing one.
Oh, my God.
He's pulling women's teeth out and jerking off to them.
How could you know that? We have gotta get in this basement.
Ugh, got it [GASPS.]
[DOOR CREAKING.]
BOTH: [INHALE.]
[WHISPERS.]
Lacquer.
Hey, Deb, you just missed a great yoga club.
You're wearing tights, you idiot.
- These are leggings.
- No, they're tights.
I can see your bush coming out the side of your underwear.
The little curls make your crotch look like a rabbi.
Oh, so that's why there were so many boys in yoga club today.
[GASPS.]
[SIGHS.]
I told you.
He said the light's broken.
- And you believed him? - Find a light switch.
Oh.
I think I got something.
Mary-Louise, get off me.
I'm just looking for the light.
Really? Because you just cupped my breast.
Maybe it's lower on the wall.
That's my ass! Oh, my God, Mary-Louise! [GASPS.]
Got it.
- Oopsies.
- [SIGHS.]
I guess those weren't light switches.
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING.]
Is that blood? Oh, my God.
I was right.
Oh, my God.
I was right.
Oh, my God! I was right! - We gotta get out of here! - [WHIMPERS, YELPS.]
- [DOOR CLICKS.]
- [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING.]
[WHISTLING.]
[WHISPERS.]
He's home.
Come on, otherwise you're not gonna be alive when you lose your virginity.
[SHAKY BREATHING.]
It's okay, girl.
I got your back.
I won't let anything happen to you.
Thanks, Chelsea.
I love you.
- I said, I love you.
- Yeah, I heard you.
[WHIMPERING.]
[DOOR CREAKS.]
Mary-Louise? What are you doing here? [GASPS.]
Uh [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Oh [YELPS.]
Oh [YELPS.]
[SCREAMS.]
Oh okay.
I, uh, didn't want you to have to go out of your way to pick me up for our dates, so [GULPS.]
Here I am.
Great.
You ready to go? We're gonna be late for dinner.
It's a little cold outside.
You might wanna put on a jacket.
Oh, I I don't have one.
Here.
You can wear this.
[FOREBODING MUSIC.]
I couldn't be more proud of you children.
You've come such a long way from where I found you hitting a dead squirrel with a stick.
Together, we're proven that you can change your station in life.
KIDS: Thank you, Ms.
Watson.
Thank you for thanking me.
[TIRES SCREECHING.]
- [ENGINE TURNS OFF.]
- You must be Mr.
Coop.
[LAUGHS.]
Missy Watson, huh? So you're the one thirsty to show me what a good ma you could be to my kids.
Yeah, I've been here before, right? Everybody wants head from nut.
I'll tell you what.
You're gonna have to find somebody else who's sitting on a fat welfare check, 'cause I'm not gonna be your human vibrator.
Excuse me? All right, maybe as a constellation prize, sometime I take you in the back of the van, give you a quick fingerblast [GASPS.]
Two of them at the same time.
Anyway, Coops, in the van! Let's go! Take off those dumbass bows.
You look like a bunch of ice dancers.
Wait, are you mine? Yeah, all right.
Go, go.
Bigger ones, tie the little ones down to the seats.
You know the routine.
I don't need that ticket again.
- [ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
- All right.
Coops ride.
[ENGINE WHIRRING.]
Once a Coop, always a Coop.
[WOLF HOWLS.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
This isn't the way to the restaurant.
Yeah, I gotta make a quick stop.
There's a hurt deer in Thatcher Woods.
[SOFTLY.]
Thatcher Woods? Hot serial killer.
[EERIE MUSIC.]
[SOFTLY.]
Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst women Come on.
This is it.
I'm not gonna eat baked beans in your basement! [SCREAMING.]
- [SCREAMS.]
- Girl! - Stop! - Mary-Louise! - No! - Run! He's the Cook County Killer! Save yourselves! Girl! Stop! We were wrong.
A killer? Mary-Louise, why would you think that? The lying and the canceling plans.
And Chelsea and I found all your kill trophies.
Kill trophies? The red hoodie and the jar of teeth That's one of Blake's old hoodies.
Are you talking about his wisdom teeth? They pulled them out early due to his accelerated growth.
[PANTING.]
What about the locket we found in that box of jewelry? "L.
K.
"? That is my mother's jewelry.
I couldn't bear to donate it after she passed away, so I kept it.
Oh, shit.
Oh, no.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so wait.
Why are all of you out here in the woods? [SIGHS SOFTLY.]
Well, this isn't exactly how I planned for it to go.
But You are an idiot.
[GENTLE ACOUSTIC MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
Mary-Louise, from the moment that I met you, I knew that there was something special about you.
From that first parent-teacher conference, I found myself wanting to spend more time with you.
And every time I did, I liked you more and more, and I fell deeper and deeper in love with you.
I brought you here because it's when we were camping with Blake, then I realized that you were the one.
[GIGGLES SOFTLY.]
Mary-Louise Will you marry me? Yes.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Congratulations, you two.
Ugh, these idiots didn't tell me about the engagement until an hour ago.
They said I would blow the surprise Oh, crap.
- My water just broke.
- [GIRLS GASP.]
Someone get some wet wipes.
[EXCITING MUSIC.]
You're doing great.
As the incomparable Faith Hill said, "just breathe.
" - Caroline, don't ruin this.
- Damien's in Detroit.
He would like permission to use the Uber app to get here.
- Fine.
- It's a go.
Say hi, girl.
I have 336 people watching you on Periscope right now.
- What? - Here.
I found this in the waiting room.
We'll use it to save the afterbirth so I can make you a nourishing, post-partum smoothie.
Everybody get out! - Jeez.
- Okay, fine.
But someone needs to take off their underwear and spread their legs 'cause I am not losing these viewers.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
[SOBBING.]
I love her so much.
I just love her so fucking much.
She's so fucking beautiful, isn't she? She's so fucking perfect.
- She's gorgeous.
- You're a mommy, girl.
We're so proud of you.
Having a baby is one of the most pure, beautiful things in the universe.
Yeah.
It's amazing.
Although, I did tear the skin between my anus and vagina, shit the birthing bed, and now I'm wearing a diaper.
[GAGS.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
[GIRLS GASP.]
Deb, you didn't tell us you were coming in today.
I thought we'd surprise you.
Oh, there she is.
Did you decide on a name yet? We went back and forth for a while between Kathryn, Kathleen, Kate, Caitlin, and Katy, but we finally decided on Hagatha.
[LAUGHTER.]
Like a troll? It's not a joke.
Oh, my God.
That's gorgeous.
- It is.
- It's beautiful.
- An elegant so elegant.
- Beautiful name.
- Wow.
- Classic.
Do you care if I borrow it?
That's when Detective Johnson realized that Fuad couldn't be the Cook County Killer.
There's no chance a man with such severe rheumatoid arthritis could have used a hacksaw to cut through the women's necks.
So, who did murder Magdaline and the six other women? And how long will Chicagoland live in terror? - [BRIGHT MUSIC.]
- Thanks for joining us for this installment of "Victim.
" I'm Rachel Schwartz.
Special thanks to WBEZ Chicago and our sponsor, MailChimp.
When are they gonna catch this guy, right? So so he's still out there? Yes, Robby, but don't worry.
He only kills girls.
[GASPS.]
Oh, there you are.
You're over two hours late.
I was worried you might've gotten in an accident hit your head, and were suffering from amnesia.
Then I'd have to remind you who I am for the next six months.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
No, sorry.
I got a call to rescue a stray dog.
But you didn't have your rescue stuff.
Oh, um, you know, uh, I didn't need it.
It was a small dog.
- Okay.
- Hey.
I hate to do this, but I'm gonna need a rain check on tonight.
- I am exhausted.
- Oh, that's okay.
We can just hang out tomorrow night at dinner.
[SIGHS.]
Actually, can we reschedule that too? Why? I, um, you know, I forgot that I signed up to volunteer at the children's hospital.
Well, I guess it would be selfish of me to ask you to cancel that.
I mean, unless the kids aren't that sick.
They're pretty sick though, right? Yeah, I know they are.
But if you show up and all the kids are gone, you can just give me a call oh, gone because they've been discharged, - not gone because they - [DOOR CLICKS.]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
Okie-dokie.
I guess that's my cue.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
Good night.
That little turd, Shane Coop, just told me I look like I ate Paul Blart, Mall Cop.
God, I hate the dirtbag family.
Who's the dirtbag family? Can't believe you don't know who the dirtbags are.
How can you tell? It's a public school.
Every school has one.
There's at least eight of them.
They all look the same.
They're always greasy from working on their mini bikes, and every year, one of them brings fireworks to school.
At Fillmore, it's the Coops.
Artie Coop's in my class [GASPS.]
He does bring pork rinds and a can of Jolt for lunch every day.
Poor bastards.
They're all doomed to end up on parole or Maury Povich.
Wait, why? Because they're poor? No.
I refuse to believe that these kids are bound to a certain fate because of their economic status.
[SCOFFS.]
You're such a hypocrite.
You're just saying that because you're poor now.
That's not true.
I care.
If I take them under my wing, I can turn my life around.
You just said, "my life.
" I meant their life.
Lives.
Morning, queens.
Hi.
Caroline, how are you handling the breakup? Oh, you know, uh, some days are better than others.
If you ever need someone to talk to, just know I'm always here.
- Ugh.
- Thanks.
- Is she wearing - Tights instead of leggings? Yes.
I can't believe a grown-ass woman's still wearing - day-of-the-week underwear.
- It's actually helpful.
I almost forgot it was Wednesday.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Mary-Louise, did you hear another woman went missing last night? They think it was the Cook County Killer.
Who's the Cook County Killer? Have you not been listening to "Victim"? This guy kills women in Thatcher Woods, takes them to a basement, which they know because they found mold spores on the body, then covers them in lacquer to preserve them so he could have sex with their bodies.
[EERIE MUSIC.]
But I'm sorry did you need something? One second I have to wipe my mind and reset.
Okay.
Hot Dad's been acting strange lately.
He came home late last night and lied about where he was.
And then he canceled dinner tonight.
He lied about where he was last night? Where was he Sunday night? - He went for a run.
- The whole night? What about two weeks ago Tuesday? Same as every Tuesday he drives along the highway to look for stray animals.
Stray animals, or single women with no ties to the community? What about August 12th, May 24th, or January 30th? How should I know? Those were all the nights women were abducted.
Mary-Louise, what if Hot Dad is the Cook County Killer? - [LAUGHS.]
- I'm serious.
This makes perfect sense.
The only reason Hot Dad's okay not having sex with you is because you're still alive.
Oh, that's not true.
He likes being abstinent.
He says it's a lovely challenge.
Wrong! He's gonna lacquer you! Your boyfriend exhibits textbook serial killer behavior.
He is smart, charming, and super good-looking.
I mean, think about it Ted Bundy, Richard Ramirez, the Craigslist killer hot, hotter, hottest.
The writing's on the wall, Mary-Louise.
He is the Cook County Killer.
Hey.
Forgot my supplies.
She's wearing tights, right? Yeah.
I can see her tootie crack.
- Do you think she knows? - Oh.
Probably not.
Someone should tell her.
Someone totally should, but I am so busy busy, busy bee.
Oh, my God.
I have so much to do.
Why have I been talking to you? What was the point? [LAUGHS.]
Cecelia, your bangs look really nice.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
You should look at them in a full-length mirror.
Okay.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Enjoy recess, and remember what we learned yesterday.
A broken bird's egg is not a treasure.
It's trash.
Uh, Artie? I'm gonna need you to stay in today.
I didn't pee in the garbage can.
Great.
I want you to know that I see a wealth of untapped potential in you.
If you and I work together, we can alter the course of your life in a very profound way.
- Okay.
- Wonderful.
Let's start with table manners.
Why are there a billion forks? Thank you for asking.
There's one for every course, Arthur.
- It's Artie.
- Not anymore.
This is a dinner fork.
This is a salad fork.
This is a fish fork, and this is a spork.
If you see one of these at a restaurant, leave.
Oh, those are for lobster claws.
To replace them, like a prosthetic? My uncle's got a fake leg 'cause of the diabetes.
No.
No.
These are to crack open a lobster claw.
Man, lobster pinches me, I'll just bash him with a crowbar.
- Bam! - Hey, Artie? I saw some kids beating up your brother on the playground.
My dad says, "No one hits Coop but Coop.
" - I'm out of here.
- Oh, wait! You weren't excused.
Arthur? You trying to "My Fair Lady" this kid is the saddest thing I've ever seen, and I once saw Rob Schneider do stand-up.
We're making a lot of progress.
I know you're having a hard time with your breakup, but isn't there something else you can busy yourself with, like whittling yourself a dildo? - I don't whittle my dildos.
- So you do have a dildo? This has nothing to do with Toby.
Fine.
But even if you do get through to Artie, there's still seven more garbage kids to pull him back into the vortex.
[COCKNEY ACCENT.]
Henry Higgins.
Just you wait.
I'll reform them all.
Knock, knock Sweetie, are you home? Honey? I just popped by to bring you some surprise I-love-you cookies because Surprise, I love you - Don't go in the basement! - [PLATE CLATTERS.]
Sorry, babe.
The light doesn't work down there.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Didn't want you to fall and hurt yourself.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
[GASPS.]
Beautiful bisque play, Dusty! Croquet is the sport of the upper class you don't sweat, and you can do it while holding an Arnold Palmer.
Can we go home now? No.
I don't wanna be alone.
Uh, I mean, we haven't worked on our postures yet.
Books.
[HARPSICHORD MUSIC.]
Remember, ears over your shoulders, shoulders relaxed, and always look down at people from your nose ever so slightly.
It helps others remember their place.
Single file.
Nice and organized.
Crystal May, you're doing great.
[COCKNEY ACCENT.]
They'll be back to selling flowers at Covent Garden by the end of the week.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Are you sure he's not home? This is so stupid.
I can't believe you talked me into this.
I should've never told you he raised his voice.
And Pastor Ted always says, "Thou shalt not snoop.
" It's basically the 11th commandment.
Do you know what the 12th commandment should be? Thou shall not kill.
Ever heard of that one, Jesus? He's hiding something, Mary-Louise, and it's probably multiple murder victims.
Well, being here without him knowing feels wrong.
Do you think Clarice Starling felt guilty about snooping around Buffalo Bill's kill lair? He's not a killer.
I'm just doing this to prove to you he's innocent.
[GASPS.]
It's locked.
- [TENSE MUSIC.]
- Oh, my God.
- This is getting juicy.
- [CUPS CLATTERING.]
There's gotta be a key around here somewhere.
Chelsea, be careful.
You're making a mess.
Ugh, my God.
He won't even notice.
He's too busy getting up in some lacquered puss.
Please don't say, "puss.
" They haven't found the latest missing girl yet.
She's probably down there in a soundproof room, dirty, naked, and eating baked beans.
Why baked beans? Because that's all he gives her.
Mary-Louise, look.
Kill trophies.
They're probably just leftover from Sharon.
Oh, really? Because the initials on this locket are "L.
K.
" So unless Sharon's real name is LaSharon, this locket belongs to missing 27-year-old dental hygienist, Lauren Klubshire.
[GASPS.]
Be on the lookout for a red hoodie.
The woman who just went missing was last seen wearing one.
Oh, my God.
He's pulling women's teeth out and jerking off to them.
How could you know that? We have gotta get in this basement.
Ugh, got it [GASPS.]
[DOOR CREAKING.]
BOTH: [INHALE.]
[WHISPERS.]
Lacquer.
Hey, Deb, you just missed a great yoga club.
You're wearing tights, you idiot.
- These are leggings.
- No, they're tights.
I can see your bush coming out the side of your underwear.
The little curls make your crotch look like a rabbi.
Oh, so that's why there were so many boys in yoga club today.
[GASPS.]
[SIGHS.]
I told you.
He said the light's broken.
- And you believed him? - Find a light switch.
Oh.
I think I got something.
Mary-Louise, get off me.
I'm just looking for the light.
Really? Because you just cupped my breast.
Maybe it's lower on the wall.
That's my ass! Oh, my God, Mary-Louise! [GASPS.]
Got it.
- Oopsies.
- [SIGHS.]
I guess those weren't light switches.
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING.]
Is that blood? Oh, my God.
I was right.
Oh, my God.
I was right.
Oh, my God! I was right! - We gotta get out of here! - [WHIMPERS, YELPS.]
- [DOOR CLICKS.]
- [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING.]
[WHISTLING.]
[WHISPERS.]
He's home.
Come on, otherwise you're not gonna be alive when you lose your virginity.
[SHAKY BREATHING.]
It's okay, girl.
I got your back.
I won't let anything happen to you.
Thanks, Chelsea.
I love you.
- I said, I love you.
- Yeah, I heard you.
[WHIMPERING.]
[DOOR CREAKS.]
Mary-Louise? What are you doing here? [GASPS.]
Uh [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Oh [YELPS.]
Oh [YELPS.]
[SCREAMS.]
Oh okay.
I, uh, didn't want you to have to go out of your way to pick me up for our dates, so [GULPS.]
Here I am.
Great.
You ready to go? We're gonna be late for dinner.
It's a little cold outside.
You might wanna put on a jacket.
Oh, I I don't have one.
Here.
You can wear this.
[FOREBODING MUSIC.]
I couldn't be more proud of you children.
You've come such a long way from where I found you hitting a dead squirrel with a stick.
Together, we're proven that you can change your station in life.
KIDS: Thank you, Ms.
Watson.
Thank you for thanking me.
[TIRES SCREECHING.]
- [ENGINE TURNS OFF.]
- You must be Mr.
Coop.
[LAUGHS.]
Missy Watson, huh? So you're the one thirsty to show me what a good ma you could be to my kids.
Yeah, I've been here before, right? Everybody wants head from nut.
I'll tell you what.
You're gonna have to find somebody else who's sitting on a fat welfare check, 'cause I'm not gonna be your human vibrator.
Excuse me? All right, maybe as a constellation prize, sometime I take you in the back of the van, give you a quick fingerblast [GASPS.]
Two of them at the same time.
Anyway, Coops, in the van! Let's go! Take off those dumbass bows.
You look like a bunch of ice dancers.
Wait, are you mine? Yeah, all right.
Go, go.
Bigger ones, tie the little ones down to the seats.
You know the routine.
I don't need that ticket again.
- [ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
- All right.
Coops ride.
[ENGINE WHIRRING.]
Once a Coop, always a Coop.
[WOLF HOWLS.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
This isn't the way to the restaurant.
Yeah, I gotta make a quick stop.
There's a hurt deer in Thatcher Woods.
[SOFTLY.]
Thatcher Woods? Hot serial killer.
[EERIE MUSIC.]
[SOFTLY.]
Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst women Come on.
This is it.
I'm not gonna eat baked beans in your basement! [SCREAMING.]
- [SCREAMS.]
- Girl! - Stop! - Mary-Louise! - No! - Run! He's the Cook County Killer! Save yourselves! Girl! Stop! We were wrong.
A killer? Mary-Louise, why would you think that? The lying and the canceling plans.
And Chelsea and I found all your kill trophies.
Kill trophies? The red hoodie and the jar of teeth That's one of Blake's old hoodies.
Are you talking about his wisdom teeth? They pulled them out early due to his accelerated growth.
[PANTING.]
What about the locket we found in that box of jewelry? "L.
K.
"? That is my mother's jewelry.
I couldn't bear to donate it after she passed away, so I kept it.
Oh, shit.
Oh, no.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so wait.
Why are all of you out here in the woods? [SIGHS SOFTLY.]
Well, this isn't exactly how I planned for it to go.
But You are an idiot.
[GENTLE ACOUSTIC MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
Mary-Louise, from the moment that I met you, I knew that there was something special about you.
From that first parent-teacher conference, I found myself wanting to spend more time with you.
And every time I did, I liked you more and more, and I fell deeper and deeper in love with you.
I brought you here because it's when we were camping with Blake, then I realized that you were the one.
[GIGGLES SOFTLY.]
Mary-Louise Will you marry me? Yes.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Congratulations, you two.
Ugh, these idiots didn't tell me about the engagement until an hour ago.
They said I would blow the surprise Oh, crap.
- My water just broke.
- [GIRLS GASP.]
Someone get some wet wipes.
[EXCITING MUSIC.]
You're doing great.
As the incomparable Faith Hill said, "just breathe.
" - Caroline, don't ruin this.
- Damien's in Detroit.
He would like permission to use the Uber app to get here.
- Fine.
- It's a go.
Say hi, girl.
I have 336 people watching you on Periscope right now.
- What? - Here.
I found this in the waiting room.
We'll use it to save the afterbirth so I can make you a nourishing, post-partum smoothie.
Everybody get out! - Jeez.
- Okay, fine.
But someone needs to take off their underwear and spread their legs 'cause I am not losing these viewers.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
[SOBBING.]
I love her so much.
I just love her so fucking much.
She's so fucking beautiful, isn't she? She's so fucking perfect.
- She's gorgeous.
- You're a mommy, girl.
We're so proud of you.
Having a baby is one of the most pure, beautiful things in the universe.
Yeah.
It's amazing.
Although, I did tear the skin between my anus and vagina, shit the birthing bed, and now I'm wearing a diaper.
[GAGS.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
[GIRLS GASP.]
Deb, you didn't tell us you were coming in today.
I thought we'd surprise you.
Oh, there she is.
Did you decide on a name yet? We went back and forth for a while between Kathryn, Kathleen, Kate, Caitlin, and Katy, but we finally decided on Hagatha.
[LAUGHTER.]
Like a troll? It's not a joke.
Oh, my God.
That's gorgeous.
- It is.
- It's beautiful.
- An elegant so elegant.
- Beautiful name.
- Wow.
- Classic.
Do you care if I borrow it?