Ted Lasso (2020) s03e10 Episode Script

[CREW MEMBER 1] Jeff, we just got
this in. Do we have time to run this?
- [CREW MEMBER 2] Stand by, camera one.
- [CREW MEMBER 3] In four, three, two
- [STELLING] Yeah, got it.
- [MORRISON] All right, let's go then.
Hello, and welcome to Soccer Saturday.
I'm Jeff Stelling, here
with George Cartrick
and Clinton Morrison.
Now, the hottest team in the
country is clearly Richmond
on a ten-game winning
streak on the back
of some inspired play by Sam Obisanya.
Jeff, you have to think Sam
Obisanya will make his Nigeria debut,
- or the world's gone truly mad.
- Mm-hmm. Mmm.
But our top story:
the mysterious managerial
vacancy at West Ham United.
The club has suddenly parted ways
with the Wonder Kid, Nathan Shelley.
It's a shocker, Jeff. They
were having a great season.
Yeah, but look, Nate Shelley
isn't the reason West
Ham are in second place.
I mean, "Wonder Kid"? Come on.
- He was my kit man, for God's sake.
- [CHUCKLES]
No, Rupert Mannion is the brains
behind this whole operation.
Okay. Uh, let's turn our attention
to the international break.
National squad announcements
are trickling in.
Which players will get the honor
of representing their country?
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
All right, fellas, way
to play out there today.
Congratulations on yet
another victorious outcome!
- [CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
- That's right.
Oh, ooh! Hey, quick reminder.
Because of the break in our
schedule due to international play,
there is no game next week, all right?
[CHEERING]
All right. Hey, look,
kind of hurts my feelings
y'all don't want to spend next
weekend with me, if I'm being honest.
But I am the strong silent type,
so I ain't gonna let you know.
But I'm also loud and weak,
because I, like all humans,
contain multitudes. Am I right?
- [PLAYERS MURMURING]
- [JAMIE] Great speech.
Anyhoo, we want to say good night and
good luck to the fellas on our squad
that have been chosen to represent
their home country next week.
Coach, who we talking about?
Just up the way at Wembley, making
his debut for England, Jamie Tartt!
[ALL CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
[TED WHOOPS]
Taking the plane to Toronto to
play goal for Canada, Van Damme!
- [JAMIE] He's got a plane ticket.
- [CHEERING]
Who will be going up against
Mexico and Dani Rojas!
- [JEERING, CHEERING]
- Whoo-hoo!
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, boy.
Bumbercatch holding it
down for Switzerland.
- [PLAYERS CHEERING]
- Whoo! My guy!
Whoo! Wait, hold on.
Bumbercatch, you're Swiss?
Yeah. Look at me.
- No, you No, you're right. Yeah. All right.
- [PLAYERS CHUCKLING]
- And repping Wales, Colin Hughes!
- Hey, there he is.
- [PLAYERS CHEERING]
- [JAMIE] Let's go, boyo.
Is that it?
And that's it.
Okay. All right, well, let's go ahead
and wish our friends safe travels
and Godspeed,
or whatever narcotic your deity
chooses to self-medicate with.
Rest of y'all, see ya on Monday.
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
Oi, 24.
They fucked you, man. I'm sorry.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Ah. It's okay.
Hey, congrats to you though. [CHUCKLES]
Listen. You good, yeah?
Yeah, yeah. Of course.
[SIGHS]
Hey, yo. Congrats, bro.
I am not your bro.
We are now enemies, and
soon, you will be my bitch.
- [GASPS]
- [MUTTERING IN SPANISH]
What the f
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
So you're telling me it
only shows up once a month?
- And it never skips a month?
- Only if you're pregnant.
Mmm. Well, shoot. I got to check
out this wine delivery service.
Sounds like a real corker. Yes.
Hmm. Did you hear about Nathan?
- I did.
- What do we think happened there?
Well, boss, I'm like an incomplete
list of Madeline Kahn's best films:
- I ain't got no clue.
- [SIGHS]
And it ain't really none
of my business anyhow.
Ted, look, I mean this in
the nicest way possible,
but you suck at girl talk.
I know. I just don't like gossip.
[STAMMERS] It's not gossip, Ted.
- It's speculation.
- [TED] Mmm.
I've actually been hearing rumblings
of inappropriate workplace behavior
- over at West Ham.
- See? Excellent girl talk.
Hmm.
So, chaps, what do we think?
Is Nathan capable of being
involved in something like that?
- No.
- Nah.
- Good morning.
- [REBECCA] Hello, Leslie.
So, I heard some interesting
scuttlebutt last night.
Ooh. I don't like gossip, but my
butt don't mind a little scuttle.
Go on, Leslie.
Edwin Akufo's back in town.
Oh, what now?
Apparently, he's sniffing around
about trying to create a
Super League of some sort.
Where did you hear this?
Well, Rebecca, I am the
director of Football Operations.
And a bunch of us DFOs
have a little jazz jam band
- we call "The Directors of Beboperations."
- Mmm.
Akufo came up at rehearsal.
Ooh. This is not good.
[ALL MURMURING]
I'm sorry. Why is it so bad that
a billionaire wants to put together
a bunch of superheroes to fight crime?
Ooh, Ted, you're thinking
of the Justice League.
- God, dang it. Yeah, I am.
- Hmm.
Super League is when the world's
biggest and wealthiest teams
decide to compete against each other.
So, not only would David
never get to face Goliath,
the Davids could cease
to exist altogether.
[WHISTLES] Wow.
You know, I wouldn't be surprised
if Rupert was involved in this.
- [TRENT, HIGGINS] Hmm.
- [CELL PHONE BUZZES]
Ah. Speak of the devil.
Ooh.
- [CELL PHONE CLATTERS]
- [BUZZING STOPS]
[SIGHS]
- [CLICKS TONGUE] It was Rupert.
- Yes.
Sorry. Okay. I thought it was
the actual devil for a second.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- [NATHAN GRUNTS]
- Are you alive?
[NATHAN SIGHS]
Unfortunately, yeah. [SIGHS]
You're okay.
[SIGHS]
Am I an idiot?
Sometimes, yes.
No, I meant for quitting my job.
Do you wish you hadn't?
Then there's your answer.
I just don't know what I'm gonna do.
Do you need me to stay?
No. No, that's No, I'm okay.
Do you want to come to Poland with me?
You can help me and my
family screw in light bulbs.
- [CHUCKLES] That's very funny.
- Why is it funny?
[STAMMERS] I don't know. Sorry. I No.
- I'll see you in a few days.
- Mm-hmm. Thank you.
[SOFTLY] Goodbye.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- [SIGHS, GRUNTS]
[SIGHING]
[PEOPLE CLAMORING]
[PAPARAZZO] Can you tell
us about Coach Shelley?
Hey, Nate! Nate!
[SIGHS]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- Hi.
- Sorry.
- It's all right.
- Thanks.
[GASPS] Ooh! Shit.
Uh
Keeley, you are the
nicest boss I've ever had.
Thank you, Dan.
And definitely the hottest.
That's a complicated compliment.
[CHUCKLING] Thank you.
Yeah.
Barbara, what's going on?
Are we being slowly robbed?
Oh. Wait. [STAMMERS] I'm sorry.
You haven't spoken with Jack?
I haven't heard from Jack in weeks.
But she emailed me
last night to say that
she was gonna reach out and tell you.
Tell me what, Barbara?
[CLICKS TONGUE] The board of the
VC have decided to pull funding.
They're shutting down KJPR.
What?
- When?
- Oh, well,
don't worry, we've got plenty of time.
- We don't have to be out till Friday.
- It's Wednesday.
Yeah. I suppose that is,
uh, quite soon, isn't it?
Especially if you didn't
get the email last night.
- [MOVER 1 LAUGHS]
- [MOVER 2] I mean, if he doesn't
want to coach West Ham for
millions, I'll bloody do it.
- [LAUGHING]
- [MUTTERING]
[MOVER 2] What a wanker.
[CRIES]
Pineapple juice or apple juice?
Hi.
Hey, Dani!
[CHUCKLES] Dani, what's
up, man? [CHUCKLES]
He's my teammate.
Dani. Dani, you want some chips?
[TED] Oof. Boy, oh, boy.
Tell you what, Sam had himself a case
of the mean reds out there today, yeah?
I don't fucking blame him.
It's hard to see the ball when
your eyes are full of tears.
[GROANS]
Hey, Sam!
Hey, look, I know this
week ain't been easy on ya.
[STAMMERS] But don't forget, even
the great Michael Jordan himself
didn't make his high school
varsity basketball team.
- Yeah?
- Yes, Coach.
But wasn't that because he
was only a 5'10" sophomore
and the team was in need of height,
so they sent him to the junior varsity
with the hope that he
would develop physically?
Which he did, growing 5
inches the very next summer.
I mean, if you know all the details,
it does render the story
a little less motivational,
but my point still stands.
Keep your head up. Be a goldfish.
- All right?
- Okay.
[PHONE CHIMES]
Boom!
Tonight, me and Jane have reserved an
axe-throwing lane at Hatchet and Rye.
You fellas care to join the festivities?
Hmm. That sounds equal parts fun and
dangerous. What are y'all celebrating?
Karma's speedy delivery of a
shit sandwich to the Wonder Turd.
Here, Jane made targets.
Hmm.
Don't you feel it's bad karma to
celebrate someone else's bad karma?
No. You in?
I'd love to, but I've got a, uh, thing.
- [GRUNTS]
- [SCOFFS]
- [CELL PHONE RINGS]
- Oh, here we go.
Hey, Janey baby!
Yeah, we're all set.
Could you remember to
bring my throwing axe, please?
No, not that one. The one
with the leather sleeve.
You know what? Just bring 'em all.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, we are.
Okay. Love you too. [KISSING]
- [SIGHS]
- How many axes you got now?
Seventeen. But they're
not all for throwing.
Right. But they're all here in the UK?
Oh, yeah. Couldn't imagine being
in a different country than my axes.
Hmm.
Oh, she's gonna have
trouble carrying that.
- [CHUCKLES] Hey, Sam.
- Hey.
Oh, I'm I'm so sorry
about the national team.
Oh. Uh, well, you know. I guess
I could have worked harder.
Well, I think you're wonderful.
[CHUCKLES, INHALES DEEPLY]
- Thank you, Rebecca. Oh. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLING]
- See you.
- [REBECCA] Yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
Hello, Rebecca.
Where's the Hockney I gave you?
Got rid of it. Sorry. W
How did you get past security?
Oh. My old mate, Renee.
The creepy old man that
lives in the sewers?
Oh, Rebecca, that's rude.
He only works in the sewer. [CHUCKLES]
Right. Well, maybe next time
you could make an appointment.
Of course.
So [SIGHS] what do you want?
To invite you to this
meeting for the Akufo League.
Why?
I wanted to extend an olive branch.
And I think it's important
that you're part of this.
Could be great for the game.
Well, I will give it some thought.
Good.
Sneaking in here
today reminded me of, uh,
the first match I ever
saw at Nelson Road.
Ah, when they used to
play by candlelight.
[CHUCKLES]
I look forward to hearing from you.
What happened with Nathan Shelley?
Some people just aren't ready
when they get their shot.
[PARTY HORNS SOUNDING]
[BOTH] Happy Uncle Day! [GIGGLING]
- You know it's not a real holiday, right?
- Yes, it is.
Right, Mummy?
Any day that annoys Roy
[CLICKS TONGUE] holiday for me.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'll get it.
Phoe told me that Uncle's Day is
her favorite holiday of the year.
- Fuck off.
- Yeah, seriously.
It was, uh, Uncle's Day,
Uncle Roy's birthday,
and then Perchtenlaufen,
the German holiday where
people dress up as evil spirits
and roam the streets in
order to scare winter away.
She might be an old soul, but she's
a proper fucking dweeb, isn't she?
[JAMIE] Is that your
Range Rover outside?
- No, it's my mum's.
- Oh, right, all right.
Hey, how you doing? You all right?
- Sorry I'm late. [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, it's okay.
You can just s-sit
down next to Uncle Roy.
Hello, Uncle Roy.
What the fuck is he doing here?
I had to invite your best friend.
- He's not my best friend. [SCOFFS]
- He isn't my best friend.
Well, you talk about him a lot,
and you spend every day together.
Well, he's not.
So, who's your best friend, Jamie?
Uh, probably Isaac.
- Fuck off.
- He is.
- That's a pound, Uncle Roy.
- Bill me.
Okay. Now, open Jamie's gift.
Ah, it's it's [STAMMERS]
stupid. It's dumb. I don't know.
Here. [STAMMERS, CHUCKLES]
It's your original England
kit from the 2014 World Cup.
Your name's on the back there. [MUMBLES]
Uh, I got 'em to change the E to a U.
I love it.
Oh.
Yeah. You owe me a pound, Jamie.
But I didn't say nothing.
N-No, but you made me think it,
and that's basically the same thing.
Yeah, fair play.
- Okay, my turn.
- [CHUCKLES]
All right.
- Who's that?
- [PHOEBE'S MOM, PHOEBE CHUCKLE]
Good wrapping, that.
I made it at school.
The colors spell your name.
Red, orange, yellow. Roy.
- Oh.
- She's been very excited to give it to you.
What do you think?
- Well, I mean, I fucking love it.
- [PHOEBE'S MOM CHUCKLES]
It was worth it.
[CLEARS THROAT, SMACKS LIPS]
Thank you.
Okay. Mum and I are going to put
our costumes on for the performance.
Heads-up, team.
There is an intermission.
[BREATHES DEEPLY] Your sister is fit.
- I will cut your eyes out.
- [CHUCKLES]
Simi, w-what's going on? I
I thought we were fully booked.
All the reservations bailed.
Well, except one.
- Hey, you. Look who it is.
- [SIGHS]
It is Pinky Dick.
Oh, sorry. I mean Sam.
Of course you remember Francis.
Charles, this is Pinky Dick.
Oh, I mean Sam.
Pinky-Dick-I-mean-Sam,
this is Charles Siziba,
- food blogger for The Times.
- It is nice to meet you.
Edwin has told me
awful things about you.
Charles is helping me find the
best West African chef in London
because I'm starting my
own Nigerian restaurant
but 20 meters from here.
- You You're doing what?
- [STAMMERS]
We are going to serve the
finest Nigerian cuisine,
along with Chicago-style hot dogs,
because it's my favorite food.
- Oh, Sam. I mean Pinky Dick.
- Mmm.
Mr. Akufo found a tiny
piece of glass in his food.
I assume our meal will be complimentary?
Um, yeah, sure. Whatever.
[CHARLES] Good man.
It is nice to put a name to
such an ugly, horrible face.
I'm so sorry to see that
business is not going well.
No, no, no. Actually,
we were fully booked.
We just had a few
last-second cancellations.
That's because all the
reservations were me. [CHUCKLES]
[IMITATES WOMAN'S VOICE]
Hello. Ola's Chop Life?
Can I make a reservation
for eight for Wiafe.
[IN AMERICAN ACCENT] David
Ettlemen, party of six.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] Starkey,
party of four. Fab four.
[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Table for
12, please. Last name Picard.
And please, bring out all of
your finest African cheeses.
- Good to see you, Edwin.
- Isn't it?
Ah! [SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Hmm!
Yes, I was so sad to hear
that you were not selected
for Nigeria's national team.
But I was happy to hear that the
Nigerian government was pleased
to accept a free $20 million check
from me to keep you off the team.
I will never stop, you Nigerian turd.
Never ever.
[SINGSONGY] No, never.
[CLICKS TONGUE, SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[SIGHS] Please don't do this, Francis.
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[OBJECTS CLATTERING]
- [LLOYD] Stop right there.
- [NATHAN] Sorry.
[POLICE OFFICER]
What's the emergency?
- Nathan?
- [NATHAN] Yeah.
Never mind, Officer. My son is home.
- [BREATHING DEEPLY]
- [PHONE CLICKS]
- You moved the key.
- Jesus Christ.
Hey, Mum.
Do you want anything to eat, dear?
No, thank you. Um, I
just wanna sleep actually.
Well, if you're cooking,
I could eat something.
Lloyd, stop.
What?
[BEEPS]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGING]
[SIGHS]
- [LESLIE] Oh!
- [REBECCA] Leslie?
- [GRUNTS, PANTS]
- Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.
Ah, it's okay. It's not too bad.
Oh! Ah Oh! Damn. [SIGHS]
[SIGHS, BREATHES DEEPLY]
How can I help, Rebecca?
I just need some advice.
Oh. [STAMMERS]
- Keeley didn't text you back?
- She did not.
- Ted?
- Can't find him.
- Sassy?
- On a plane with no Wi-Fi.
- Can you imagine that?
- Disgusting.
- How about your mother?
- Are you fucking with me?
I am flattered. Okay,
let's do this shit.
Um [INHALES SHARPLY]
I don't want to be part
of the Akufo League.
Oh, why? Because he's an
emotionally erratic billionaire
with the temperament of one
of those kids in Willy Wonka
that gets murdered at the
chocolate factory? [CHUCKLES]
I don't think that's
what happens, Leslie.
I hate to break it to you, Rebecca,
but those children are dead.
[INHALES SHARPLY] I think the only
reason Rupert has invited me in
is because I'm a woman and
it'll make them look good.
Who cares why Rupert invited you?
You've got a seat at the table.
So go and see what's what.
Hmm?
Thank you, Leslie. [SIGHS]
Oh, and if any of the other people
start disappearing one by one
due to a series of unfortunate accidents
seemingly caused by their own hubris,
you get the hell out of
there. Do you hear me?
[SIGHS]
[SUCKS]
[PHONE CHIMES]
Everything all right, dear?
Everything? Fuck no.
What is it called when you have
the opposite of the Midas touch?
- The Midas shits.
- That's it. That's what I have.
Everything I touch turns to shit.
Shit helps things grow, love.
Oy, I'm Keeley. What's your name?
- Mae.
- Mae? I wasn't expecting that.
- That's a really nice name.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Short for anything?
- Maybe.
And is this your place, Maybe?
[INHALES DEEPLY] Little over 40 years.
Wow, that's impressive.
It's hard though, right? Being a boss?
[SCOFFS] It has its moments.
Hmm.
But for some, it's
better to follow your gut
than pretend to be excited
by following someone else's.
What would you do if someone
took it all away from you?
Like the man once said,
"Once you make it to
the top of the mountain,
what's left for you but lightning?"
Wait, is the lightning a
good thing or a bad thing?
Depends whether you're
ready for it or not.
Now, I'm gonna get you some food.
'Cause I can't have another sad,
skinny girl pass out in my pub.
Fucks me Yelp rating.
[SCOFFS]
[SIGHS]
["RED RIGHT HAND" PLAYING]
[GUFFAWING]
[WHISPERS] Bocce balls.
Psst! Psst, psst!
Psst! Psst! Ted!
Ted! Ted!
Hey.
- [GASPS] Ah, ye
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
[KNOCKS]
[COMMENTATOR 1] You know,
Lanny, when Mexico
comes up here in our kitchen,
the record books go
right out the window.
[LANNY] Well, for sure, Bruce.
[BRUCE] It's a tough game, but
there's a begrudging mutual respect
between the two teams, hey?
[LANNY] Oh, they go together
like nachos and poutine.
[BRUCE] Oh, now you've made me
hungry. [CHUCKLING] Oh, no.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
- [LANNY] Oh! Mexico gains possession.
- [COACH BEARD] Here we go!
[BRUCE] Dani Rojas is on the loose,
face-to-face with Van Damme. And
[ALL] Ooh!
- [PLAYERS EXCLAIMING]
- [LANNY] Oh, no! Right in the nose.
[BRUCE] Straight in the sniffer.
That almost seemed deliberate.
Dani kicked the crap out of it too.
[LANNY] Ah, for sure, Bruce. He's a
different fella in a Mexico shirt.
[BRUCE] That's a lot of
blood, for gosh sakes.
I apologize for the
language there, folks.
[PHONE CHIMES]
[CHUCKLES]
[PHONE CHIMES]
[SIGHS]
[PHONE BUZZES]
[CAR ALARM CHIRPS]
Hey. [LAUGHS]
Twins. [LAUGHS]
Fuck's sake.
[GRUNTS]
[PHONE CHIMES]
[SIGHS]
Oh.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[HISSING]
All right, go on in.
- Have a nice day, Uncle Roy.
- You too.
You look nice.
- Sure.
- Bye!
[SIGHS]
[MS. BOWEN] It's Coach Kent.
- Hello, Ms. Bowen.
- You don't have to call me Ms. Bowen.
- You can use my first name.
- Okay, uh
You don't know it, do you?
No.
- Leann.
- Hello, Leann.
I like your T-shirt.
You off to protest the Vietnam War?
- Phoebe made it for me.
- Ah.
- You look different.
- [INHALES DEEPLY] Well, yeah.
I don't normally dress
like a fucking clown.
No, I don't mean the
T-shirt. I mean you.
You seem lighter than
the last time I saw you.
Less [INHALES DEEPLY] stuck.
- Stuck?
- Yeah, stuck.
Hold on.
Weren't you flirting with
me last time I saw you?
I teach kids. I don't
mind cleaning up a mess.
[CHUCKLES]
I just hope that mess
didn't cause too much damage.
Fudge.
- It's good to see you.
- Yeah, you too.
[SIGHS]
"I don't mind cleaning
up a mess." [SCOFFS]
- Smooth move, fuckwitch.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
All right, kids, let's go!
[KEELEY] Hi, Barbara.
That's a nice outfit.
Oh, thank you. Yes. I I like
clothes that tell the truth.
I got you something.
[CHUCKLES]
Thank you for all your help.
[CHUCKLES] I really wish that we
could have worked together longer.
You're fun.
- I am?
- Yeah.
[SIGHS] Thank you.
It's just that I have
to buy the snow globe,
or it doesn't really count.
Oh. Okay.
Um, do you have any cash on you?
Oh, uh, yes. [CHUCKLES]
It was actually 60 quid.
Oh.
Hmm, I think you paid
a bit too much there.
[KEELEY CHUCKLES]
Thank you for this.
You're welcome.
Uh, I'm gonna need the receipt.
- Of course. Um, can I email it to you?
- Yeah, email's great.
- Sooner the better.
- I'll get on it.
[BARBARA CLEARS THROAT]
[MARIA] Nathan, your father and I
are headed to the farmers' market
for a few hours.
We love you, sweetheart.
Hello, there. Good morning.
- Ah. Hello, madam.
- Hello there.
- Can I take your coat?
- Oh, yes, absolutely.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
[ALL LAUGHING]
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
[RUPERT] Hello, Rebecca.
Ah. Rupert.
Thank you for accepting my invitation.
How could I resist the chance
of having a bunch of old men
speak directly to my chest?
[LAUGHING]
Mr. Mannion [PANTS]
you left your phone in the car.
[RUPERT] Oh!
And your fecalist emailed your results.
Two big thumbs up
[CHUCKLES] as expected.
Wonderful.
Ms. Bread, uh, Rebecca Welton.
Rebecca, this is my
assistant, Ms. Bread.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, excuse me. [CHUCKLING]
- New assistant?
- Yeah.
What happened to the
corporate pixie dream girl?
Oh. [SCOFFS] Skewed. Dramatic.
- Shall we?
- Yes.
So, gentlemen, hello.
I believe most of you know
Rebecca, owner of AFC Richmond.
Oh. It's been my title
since we got divorced,
and I took the only thing he ever loved.
- [ALL LAUGHING]
- [CLUB OWNER] Wonderful.
- Rebecca.
- Hello, Robert.
When Rupert told me you
were joining us today,
- I was truly excited.
- Oh.
Then when you walked in, in
that outfit, I remember why.
- [RUPERT, ROBERT CHUCKLING]
- [DOOR OPENS]
[LAUGHS] Greetings to you all!
And thank you for coming.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Uh, Francis.
Eh.
- Rebecca.
- Mr. Akufo,
how wonderful to see you again.
- Yes, I'm very glad that you are here.
- Ah.
It's nice to not be the only
minority in the room, eh?
Gentlemen and lady, I'm sure you're
all very anxious to get started.
But as my father would say,
"Never talk business
on an empty stomach."
So [SNAPS FINGERS]
Please take your seats and let us
enjoy some delicious Ghanaian bites
as well as some Chicago-style hot dogs,
as enjoyed by the likes of Scottie
Pippen, Obama and Ferris Bueller.
Please.
Yes, please. Please sit
down. Sit down. Sit down.
["LIGHT" PLAYING]
Thanks.
[SONG ENDS]
So, now that our bellies are
full, let us talk business.
But first, there is one
thing to take care of.
[SWALLOWS]
[THUDDING]
[SIGHS]
It's okay. I will leave now.
Yeah Yeah, no, thank you, Nicolay.
- It's just easier for everybody
- No, no. I get it.
It's just the whole Russia thing.
You know, it's not a
good look right now.
- [DOOR BANGS]
- You It's It's It's a "pull."
- [BANGING CONTINUES]
- [EDWIN] You have to pull. It's a
It's a You're pu You're pushing.
It's a pu You have to pull the door.
- What you're doing is obviously w
- [BANGING CONTINUES]
- You're pushing, and you have to pull.
- [NICOLAY GROANS, MUTTERING]
There. [STAMMERS] Okay, goodbye.
Okay, gentlemen. And one woman.
I invited you here to tell
you about the Akufo League.
A global football league made
up of only the best teams.
Yes, it will cost the fans a bit more,
and some may not be able to afford it.
But those who can will
see the cream of the crop.
Each matchup, a clash of titans.
- Each game, an undry dream.
- Mmm.
Now, in the beginning,
some people will hate it
because some people hate change.
But remember, at one time,
we only rode horses
- [CLUB OWNERS] Mmm.
- and hated the idea of automobiles.
- [CLUB OWNERS] Mmm.
- Now we can't live without our cars,
and the hot dogs we just
ate are 85% horse meat.
- [CLUB OWNERS GROAN]
- Change is inevitable.
Why should football not change?
Why should it not evolve?
Why should your profits
not grow exponentially?
[CLUB OWNERS MURMUR]
Yes, the fans will
protest. They will whine.
They will make up mean-spirited
but admittedly clever parody songs
using our surnames and sing them
outside the buildings that we own.
But in time, they will come to
embrace the superior product.
Just as we have all
embraced the automobile
[CLUB OWNERS] Mmm.
- the smartphone
- [CLUB OWNERS] Mmm.
- the squatty potty.
- [CLUB OWNERS] Mmm.
The Akufo League is
the future of football.
And the future is now.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
Francis will pass out the
- projections for the first five years.
- Thank you.
- Please take a moment to peruse.
- [CELL PHONE BUZZES]
Thank you.
[SOFTLY] Thank you.
Hmm.
[DISCORDANT MUSIC PLAYING]
[EXHALES DEEPLY] Okay.
[MELODIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[VIOLIN PLAYING CONTINUES]
[OWNERS CHATTERING]
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Well, makes sense to me. I'm in.
Wonderful.
[RUPERT CHUCKLES]
Rebecca, what do you think?
Is this a fucking joke?
Excuse me?
What do you think you're
doing? Just stop it!
I mean, how much more money
do any of you really need?
Why would you ever consider
taking something away from people
that means so much to them?
This isn't a game.
Football isn't just a game.
[COMMENTATOR 1] England
dominating. No surprise.
[REBECCA] It's one of those
amazing things in life
that can make you feel
shit one moment
[COMMENTATOR 2] You'd expect Southgate
to be looking at his bench about now,
- and we do have a substitution.
- [PLAYERS CHEERING, CHATTERING]
AFC Richmond's Jamie Tartt
winning his first cap for England.
[ALL CHATTERING, CHEERING]
[COMMENTATOR 2] An unforgettable
moment and well-earned.
[REBECCA] And then, like it's
Christmas morning the next.
[COMMENTATOR 2] Tartt's wearing 24,
a nod to his Richmond teammate,
the spectacular Sam Obisanya.
[REBECCA] It has the ability to make
heroes and villains
out of ordinary men.
[PLAYING MUSIC]
[REBECCA] People love this game.
My father loved this game.
You all used to love this game.
I'm sure of it.
I knew this little boy.
Working-class. From Richmond.
And he loved football so much,
he used to sneak into the matches
because his family just
couldn't afford the tickets.
And one afternoon,
he finally got caught.
And the security guard
smacked him round the face,
knocked him on the ground.
[RUPERT CHUCKLES]
But that little boy stood up, smiled,
kicked the security guard
in the bollocks and ran away.
Never to return.
Until 25 years later, when he
walked in and bought the entire club.
And on his first day as owner,
he went and found that
same security guard
and gave him a pay rise
without any explanation.
Just because we own these teams
doesn't mean they belong to us.
And I don't want to
be part of something
that could possibly
destroy this beautiful game.
Because I would hate for all those
little kids and grown-ups out there
to ever lose access to that beautiful,
passionate part of themselves.
What a lovely speech.
Now, who wants to make a
lot of money? [CHUCKLES] Eh?
[SIGHS]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING CONTINUES]
[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
Jesus fucking Christ!
Hey, sorry.
I thought you'd gone out.
I did. But my acid reflux started
playing up, so I came home.
I didn't know you had acid reflux.
I don't.
But your mother knows
I like my alone time.
Oh, sorry sorry if I disturbed you.
[STAMMERS] No, no, not at all.
I really miss hearing you play.
[EXHALES SHARPLY] You do?
Of course.
Thought you hated it when I played.
Why on earth would you think that?
[SCOFFS] 'Cause you literally
said that to me once, Dad.
You said I wouldn't practice enough.
How I was squandering my
potential and wasting my privilege.
[SIGHS] You were given
opportunities I never had,
and so I expected a lot from you.
Well, it scared the shit out of me.
I know that now.
And I'm sorry.
I didn't know how to parent a genius.
What?
A genius.
You're brilliant, Son.
You've always seen things
other people couldn't,
and that's a blessing.
Yet I know it must also be a curse too.
But you're right.
I pushed you to be the best
at everything, even at violin.
'Cause I thought
that's what I had to do.
I thought that's what you wanted.
I just I just liked playing.
Nathan, be successful,
don't be successful.
I never cared about any of that.
I just want my son to be happy.
[SIGHS]
Well, that was all very interesting.
- [REBECCA CHUCKLES]
- Lunch soon?
- Yeah, sure.
- Rebecca,
you still look lovely. [CHUCKLES]
You know [SIGHS]
the last time I saw you
two alone in a room together,
was right after your wedding.
You really wanted me
to leave. [CHUCKLING]
Hey, remember when we, uh
we both snuck into a
Richmond game together?
I do.
Although you were the owner of the club,
- so the stakes were a little bit lower.
- [CHUCKLES]
Oh Oh, you got, um M-May I?
- Oh, yeah.
- [STAMMERS]
[GRUNTS]
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
- [SIGHS]
- [INHALES DEEPLY] Hmm.
Rupert.
- Oi, what you doing there?
- Jesus fucking Christ!
Look at you in color.
- What are you doing here?
- I live here.
But it's the middle of the day.
What's that?
It's for uh, it's for you.
Oh.
- You don't have to look now. You can
- I don't mind.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
I still can't read your handwriting.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
"Dear Keeley, I want
you to know something.
You never did anything
wrong. It was all me.
I was stuck. Stuck in my own shit.
And I didn't wanna cause you any
harm with it, so I pulled away.
But you are"
You are and always will
be Keeley fucking Jones.
And if I ever did anything
anything at all
that made you feel
like that wasn't true
I'm so sorry.
I love you.
"Sincerely yours, Roy Kent. XOXO."
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
You are the only Roy I know.
- Well, I didn't want to assume.
- Hmm, no.
["GOLDEN STAR" PLAYING]
Thank you.
Okay.
[NATHAN CHUCKLES]
Ooh.
I win.
- [LLOYD] Come on.
- [MARIA CHUCKLES]
- [ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
- [MARIA] Come on.
- [MARIA] Oh.
- [LLOYD, NATHAN CHUCKLING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[KNOCKING]
[GASPS, SCREAMS] Have you been shot?
I just convinced a roomful
of Rupert's dickhead friends
to pull out of the Akufo League.
- Oh, no!
- Oh, no, it's very good. Hug me.
- Oh, yes! Oh, I'm so proud of you!
- [CHUCKLES]
Oh! Even though I don't totally get it.
Thank you. Wait.
Now that I know that you're actually
alive, I'm very cross with you.
Where the hell have you been?
And they just pulled your funding?
- Mmm.
- Arseholes. Why didn't you tell me?
Well, I couldn't find the right time.
And the right way.
And I didn't want to.
Well, they are idiots.
Because you, Keeley
Jones, are a bloody marvel.
Hmm.
How much money were they putting in?
No. I'm not letting
you do that. It's a lot.
Oh, shut up. My money, my
choice. Come on, tell me.
What are you doing?
This is how they do it in the movies.
Are you joking?
I told you.
I think I have that
much money on me in cash.
- No.
- Yes.
- No!
- Yes.
- Thank you!
- [CHUCKLES]
[INHALES DEEPLY]
- Rupert tried to kiss me.
- What?
- Did your lips touch?
- No, I pulled back straightaway.
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
[INHALES SHARPLY] And I just looked
at him and made it all so clear.
- [KEELEY] Mmm.
- [SIGHS]
- Babe, that's huge.
- Mmm.
Jesus. Can you
imagine if you fell for it,
and you got back with Rupert?
After all that floppy cock has
done, you would have to be insane.
You would have to be at the
bottom of your emotional barrel
to do something that
dumb, right? [CHUCKLES]
Hi.
[SNIFFS]
[CHUCKLES]
[NATHAN] Thanks, Renee.
We've done some restructuring,
but KJPR would still love to help you
take your sunglasses global, Ms. Jayye.
Ooh, I would maybe say
"ambitious nightmare" over "crazy."
But, uh, yes, we have
parted ways with Shandy.
Okay. Of course. Great.
Yeah, talk to you soon.
- [GASPS] Nice. Okay.
- Ms. Jones.
Barbara, hi. What are you doing here?
I need to give this back to you.
I've given Jack my resignation,
and I only buy a snow
globe when I leave a job.
I mean, th-that is, i-if
you're looking for a CFO.
- I mean, I I might not It's
- [KEELEY SQUEALS]
["DONE DID ME NO GOOD" PLAYING]
[CHUCKLES]
Would you mind loosening your grip?
'Cause I need to get the
receipt so you can reimburse me.
Thank you.
[CHUCKLES]
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
[SAM CHUCKLES]
How are you?
Hola, amigo.
Ho Hola. [CHUCKLES]
How's your nose feeling, man?
It feels broken.
It was such a crazy game, right?
I mean, yeah. Yeah, it was.
[CHUCKLES] So many memories.
[LAUGHS]
He saved the ball with his nose.
Top ten moments in sports history.
- You good?
- Hey. Yeah, not bad.
[CHATTERING CONTINUES]
So where are you from originally?
None of your business.
Yeah. Yeah, it is a bit personal.
- [COACH BEARD GRUNTS, WHINES]
- [TRENT] Hmm?
[COACH BEARD GRUNTS]
- [GRUNTS]
- [GRUNTS]
[TRENT] Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
I'm from Peoria.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
- [KNOCKING]
- Morning, boss.
Ah, good morning, Ted.
Oh, that's cool! Did you draw that?
No, Ted, that's a David Hockney.
Oh, well, he's a very
talented little boy.
- [CHUCKLES]
- There you go.
Ted, I want to share something with
you that I've realized recently.
How weird it is that Margherita
pizza doesn't have alcohol in it?
I'm with you, sister.
No, Ted. I've realized I no
longer care if I beat Rupert.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
I mean, I still want to win.
But for all of us.
For Richmond.
[CHUCKLES] I wanna win for us too.
It just feels like it's
ceremonial at this point.
As long as none of that
tree piss gets in my mouth,
I'm actually okay with it.