The Boondocks s03e10 Episode Script

I am the stone that the builder refused I am the visual, the inspiration that made lady sing the blues I'm the spark that makes your idea bright the same spark that lights the dark so that you can know your left from your right I am the ballot in your box, the bullet in the gun the inner glow that lets you know to call your brother son the story that just begun the promise of what's to come and I'ma remain a soldier till the war is won chop chop chop Oh, oh.
Ugh.
Oh, no.
Look at this.
Ugh! Mnh! Mnh-mnh.
Nigga, what you want? I want you over my house cutting my grass, like you supposed to be! Well, too bad for you, 'cause I just took another job.
And even though they don't pay hardly nothin', working for white folks look way better on my résumé.
Damn it! This is the fourth week in a row you've canceled on me! The yard looks like a jungle.
Well, chim-chim, you three vine-swingers should feel right at home.
I'll be there when the white man don't need me no more.
And let this be yet another reminder that no matter how much money you got, you still just a nigga.
Ah! Ooh, I hate Ruckus! Huey, go change your clothes and mow the lawn.
Why do I always have to cut the grass? I cannot stop sneezing.
Riley's got allergies.
You just mad 'cause you didn't think of it first.
Ow! That didn't hurt, punk.
Huey, hurry up! And I don't want to hear that "oh, I'm dying of a heat stroke" excuse.
You want to cool down? Cut your hair off! Good day, and how are you this beautiful morning, good sir? I'm visiting you to make you aware of an exciting offer I got in landscaping and home-repair work that is just -- I'm talking 'bout just touched down in your area.
Not interested.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait.
What exciting offer? Let me ask you this -- are you really satisfied with your current landscaping and home-repair service provider? No.
Yes.
Go away.
That would be a Mr.
Uncle Ruckus, right? A portly dude, not very fond of african-americans? What if I could offer you a better service with way lower prices with none of the racial antagonism? How's that sounding to you? How much? I'll have your [bleep.]
Looking splendiferous for a wet dub.
No! Okay, look -- I'll drop the price to $10.
At this point, I ain't even making no money.
I'm -- I'm just doing this for my back arms.
I said "no!" A cigarette and a cold glass of orange juice.
Go hustle somebody else.
Check this out, pops.
Because I want your good favor so bad, I already went ahead and put in a little work on the yard.
You what?! That's right.
Your boy cut the grass, manicured the little weed area, and even did a little shrubbery art.
You planted flowers.
I mean, you needed a little color right there, man.
It wasn't any thang.
Wow.
Oh.
Well, I'm impressed, young man.
Very impressed.
Don't meet a lot of people who take pride in their work nowadays.
Sorry I was so rude earlier.
You earned this.
Damn, man.
I was cool with the orange juice.
No, no, no.
You take it.
I really appreciate this, pops -- seriously.
Matter of fact, man, let's go look at some hoes -- on me.
Yeah, House of cheeks with the bungalow-booty bitches.
You know, they probably just now crackin' the doors.
Beers is cold, and the bitches ain't sweaty.
Man, come on, let's go and, you know, see some ass.
Man, this is fun! It's been a while since I had someone to go to a strip club with.
So, thanks.
I didn't even get your name.
Just call me Lando.
Lando? You mean like Lando Calrissian? Well, Lando's really my daddy's name, or that's what moms told a nigga since I never knew him.
She met him right when "the empire strikes back" came out.
You know, people used to call me Lando.
I remember that summer -- 1980, Chicago.
Best summer of my life.
I knew it was gonna be my year, and, boy, I milked it for all it was worth.
Now, of course, I wasn't as smooth as Billy Dee or as good-looking as Billy Dee, and I definitely didn't have no Billy Dee money, but, thank God, some women were so desperate, they just didn't care.
I remember this one gal -- her name was Marietta.
Oh, she was hot! It was like I was doing it with the same caliber of women as Billy Dee himself.
Moms was a big Billy Dee fan.
In the day, we would go see "empire strikes back," and at night, we had some serious no-holds-barred, freaky-deaky bareback action.
Whoo! For real? You have to understand -- this was in the days before A.
I.
D.
S.
There was no consequence whatsoever.
That's so funny.
Moms used to say the same thing.
It was just like bang, bang, bang, bang! Bang, bang! Bang, bang! Bang, bang! I always wondered what happened to her.
I guess I'll never know.
Gone for good.
I will never, ever in a million years know what happened to her.
Oh, well.
You know, my mom's name was Marietta.
Really? What a random, completely unrelated coincidence that has nothing to do with me.
Pops, I don't even know how to say this, man, but I didn't come here just to do your yard.
Huh? I came to Woodcrest because I think you're my dad.
Yes, she does -- really nice ones.
Oh, yeah! Mm-mm-mmm.
No, no.
I said, "I think you're my dad.
" Don't worry about the tab.
I got the next round.
No, no.
I said Wait! Wait! Hold on! Wait! Hold on! I knew it! I knew you were a scam artist the moment I laid eyes on you.
Pops, please, man.
Please, man.
Just give me a second.
To scam an old man.
Mowing his lawn, trimming his shrubs, planting some color.
I don't ever want to see you around here again.
Aw, come on, man.
I -- pops, man! Hey! Wait! Pop! Pop! You my ride! Granddad, it's not like you did anything wrong.
He's not my son! I mean, you had no way to know.
Did you hear what I just said? He's not my son.
And I don't ever want to hear the name Lando in this house again.
And no one is allowed to watch "empire strikes back" or "the return of the jedi" ever again, either! Hey, pops! You -- I told you to get away from here.
I tried to be nice.
Now I'm calling the police.
You're trespassing on private hey, pops, I'm not stalking you or nothin'.
I-I'm just over here doing some work for the Duboiseses.
Big Tom, big Tom, what's the business, baby? Keep sendin' them dumb-ass niggas to jail, big dude.
They ham-ass know they shouldn't have did that [bleep.]
Anyway, the hot water fixed in the guest bathroom, so you all good.
The guests can drop a deuce, wash they booger hooks, get fresh, disinfect -- no prob.
Know what I'm talkin' about? Poppin' your collar.
Aw, man, you are a godsend.
Robert, I guess we have you to thank for lando, huh? What's that supposed to mean?! I didn't give him life, if that's what you're implying! I told him you were the first one to give a brother a chance to, you know, show what I can do with the yard.
I'm gonna make some calls, as well.
Hey, you know I got to put my folks on.
You know how we do.
Yeah.
Where's this guy been all our lives, huh? See ya later.
What is your game? Blackmail, extortion -- what do you want from me? My mother left a journal.
She said she got pregnant by a man she loved very much whose nickname was lando.
And there was this.
Man, I ain't come here to steal nothi'' from you, man.
I just wanted to find my pops and tell him that IThank him for skeetin' that life into moms, man.
I wanted to tell him I love him very much and I respect him for everything he did, man.
Get away from me! You can't be my son! You too ugly to be my son! Oh, okay.
I-I get it.
The problem ain't having a son.
I-it's just having me as a son, huh? I want you out of this neighborhood and out of my life forever.
You got that? Everybody do things on they own time.
I ain't in no rush.
I ain't even trippin'.
Only thing is, I don't know what your casio lookin' like.
But, you know, whenever you want to holla at your boy, I'm right here, man, posted like a lamp.
I love you, pops! I ain't never gonna stop loving you -- never! I'm sorry to stop by on such short notice.
I didn't really know who else to turn to.
Come on, pops.
You know I ain't no thang.
I'm here to help.
So, you need a person, uh, removed? Yes.
You mean like removed from the earth? No! I mean like removed from the neighborhood.
Oh.
So, you want him kidnapped.
Well, kinda.
Not really.
Someplace really far away, like South America or Africa or something? W-well, you realize that if you don't kill him, there's nothing preventing him from coming back to town.
Well, if you took him really far away, maybe he won't have enough money to come back.
I don't know.
I just want him to go away from me.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Back up.
W-who we talking about? His name is lando.
Oh [bleep.]
Lando?! The new handyman?! Man, that [bleep.]
is cold with that landscaping! What's your beef with him? He's a con man pretending to be my son.
Oh, I see, but he ain't your son? He is absolutely, positively, almost virtually certainly not.
he seem cool to me.
You know how some people, you just like right off the bat? But yeah [bleep.]
I say kill him.
Kill him?! I don't want to kill him! A'ight, a'ight, a'ight.
Only other choice might be to get one of them DNA tests to prove you ain't the father.
Really? Where do you get one of those tests done? Oh, I know one place that do it for free.
Coming up next on "the Steve Wilkos show" I just want to know who my real father is.
Moms always said his nickname was lando.
Didn't you used to call yourself lando? Didn't you?! Answer me! Stand up! Don't even think about sitting on my stage! Stand up! But my knee hurts.
Get your ass up! What kind of man doesn't bother to see his kid for 30 years?! B-b-b-but I didn't know.
You know what I want to do? I want to beat the living out of you! Whoa! Easy there, big fella! I will not be easy on you! I [bleep.]
hate you! You make me want to -- aah! Before the show, you took a DNA test, and the results of the DNA test are Robert is Robert You are the father.
You are the sac from which I come! You are the sac from -- that's the -- that's the pair that I came from! Look at them! Them the ones that I came from! I came out that tube right there! Good looking, man! Yes! How do you feel now, deadbeat, huh?! Wait.
I didn't know.
I-I -- you finally gonna take responsibility, or are you gonna keep making excuses, you pussy punk bitch?! Don't call my daddy no pussy punk bitch! Look at him! He is a pussy punk bitch! I hate to say this, granddad, but you did look like a pussy punk bitch.
You should have stuck with your story.
It was a DNA test.
Well, study next time.
Ow! Granddad, there's no use beating yourself up.
Yeah, Steve Wilkos already did that.
I can't believe all this time -- a son.
A son named lando.
Granddad, it's not all your fault.
This doesn't make you a horrible person.
It's all your [bleep.]
fault! You're a horrible [bleep.]
Person! Oh, why me? Why did he do this to me? He just wants a chance to get to know his dad, which means you have to be a man and own up to this.
You may not owe him anything else, but you do owe him that.
Man, I say be a real nigga and don't own up to nothin'.
You got it right the first time -- pretend it never happened.
Who cares about the show? Anybody asks -- it ain't yours.
Congratulations, daddy.
Oh, you must be so proud.
A 198-pound bouncing baby adult negro.
Boy, they grow up so fast -- You know, Robert, any boy can make a baby, but it takes a Shut the [bleep.]
Up.
I'm sick of this [bleep.]
Hey, hey, don't blame me.
I said "kill him.
" You also told me to go on that stupid show.
Hey, you ain't tell me you was actually the man's daddy.
That's bad intel.
I can't be held responsible for no bad intel.
Well, I didn't know I was his daddy.
Now everybody knows.
What am I supposed to do now? Way I see it, you got two options.
Recommend, is to work it out.
You don't recommend working it out? No! But it's a option.
You guys are both grown.
You try to come to terms with it, get to know each other, make up for some lost time.
Now, I ain't saying it's gonna be a easy adjustment, but, I mean, there's counseling, therapy.
I mean, this person could enrich your life in ways you can't even imagine.
Yeah, Huey said something like that, but I never listen to him.
Now, I still say the smarter move is option two, which is just let me put two in the back of his head and be done with it.
Huh?! No! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Don't worry about the fee.
I ain't gonna rape you on the price.
You ain't got to worry about that.
No, I don't want you to kill him.
Maybe I should just work it out.
Look, I can name at least two or three instances in my life where I tried to work out some by trying to find some mutual understanding, and I can tell you it's always faster and easier to just kill 'em.
It just is.
I really don't want you to kill him! Damn.
I don't know why you keep bringing that up.
A'ight.
Up to you.
But I think you should keep that option open.
Matter of fact, Lando's outside doing some work on the shrubs.
I'll call him in right now.
Just let me know what you want to do, a'ight? Lando!! What?! L-Lando's here? No! Wait! Pops.
What's going on? Uh, h-he wanted to talk to you, lando.
He wants to try to, uh, uh, work this out.
Mm-hmm.
Look, man, I'm sorry about what happened on that show.
I mean, I didn't know that nigga Steve Wilkos was a Dick like that.
I swear I don't need nothin' from you, man, except a chance to be maybe a small part of your life, man.
Just a small one.
Thank you, rummy, man.
I appreciate you giving of yourself to help sort this thing out.
Ain't no sweat, partner.
You know I'm in your corner.
So, what's it gonna be, Robert? Uh, option one or option two? Option one! Option one! Option one it is.
No, no, no, no, no! I said option one! Okay.
Well, which one was option one? What's option one? Getting to know each other.
Yeah? You sure that was option one? Yes! Let's spend some time together as a family! Yeah, boy! That's what I'm talkin' about! That's what I always -- man, look, man, I swear, man, you'll find I ain't even that [bleep.]
up.
Is you sure, Robert? Yes! I'm sure! I'm sure, too.
Okay.
Then I done done my part.
It's up to y'all now.
Best of luck to you.
I love you, dad.
Boys, lando is going to be staying with us for a while because supposedly it's the right thing to do.
I just hope you boys take this as a lesson that life can really suck sometimes and you should always wear a condom.
I got a condom on right now.
This is it.
You'll be sharing this room with the boys.
No favorites.
Ha ha! Yeah! What up, roomies? Yeah, this my half of the room, and that -- that's Huey's half of the room.
Well, where my half at? Your half is right there.
And just 'cause you technically our Uncle, you ain't ahead of me, nigga.
As of right now, you the youngest brother -- got that? I'm number two.
You number three.
Got it? Two nigga.
Three nigga.
Say, man, I promise, man, I'm gonna respect your space, and I really, really appreciate, you know, just being here -- part of the fam, man.
I been part of this family my whole life.
It's an overrated experience.
Give me the three-piece special and all the fries you can give.
Aah! Ugh! Man, your nigga had the trillest dream last night.
On the real, it was like y-your boy had a job at this little bunny ranch vineyard or some man, so all I could do was lick the ladies' feet after they was finished stepping on the grapes, and the bitches would just Look, I can't concentrate with your thing flappin' around like that.
Go put some clothes on! I'm not hungry no more.
Yeah, I'm done.
Aw, come on, man! Why y'all trippin'? Mornin' wood ain't nothin' to be ashamed of.
That's how you know you alive, man.
I fit to show you you all bitch.
Junior varsity, nigga.
Ooh.
Nigga.
Young barkley! Unh! Hey! That's a foul! Man, that ain't no foul, nigga.
That's playoff basketball! Yeah, basketball -- not football, bitch.
Give me the ball.
Unh! Unh! Ooh! Man, just 'cause you the two nigga don't mean you can treat me any kind of way, nigga.
Huey, you gonna let him do me like this? It's family.
I'm staying out of it.
Aah! Ugh! Ooh! Aah! Oh! Huey, help your baby brother, man! The nigga meltin' me! Aah! Ow! Ohh! Ooh! Ohh! You guys seem a little cramped in there.
I'm thinking about giving lando his own room.
That's not fair! Why does the three nigga get his own room?! You playin' favorites, granddad! That's not true.
Oh, yeah? Lando gets to drink beer.
Lando gets to smoke with cigarettes.
Why you love lando more than us, granddad? Hey, hey, what's goin' on, fam? Lando, I'm afraid we gonna have to, uh, make some changes.
From now on, no smoking.
What? And no more drinking -- not at home.
You're setting a bad example for the boys.
Why don't you understand me for a change?! Why can't you accept me for who the [bleep.]
I am?! You can't control my life! I hate you! I never want to see you again! I wish I was never your son! I'm sorry, pops.
I ain't even mean that [bleep.]
Man.
It's just, my anger got the best of me, and From here on out, man.
I-I need that, you know? I-I-I need that discipline, that tough love, you know? Don't -- don't spare the rod on me.
Matter of fact, man, I'm going upstairs and get ready for my ass-whupping right now.
Ohh.
Left side, nigga.
Whatever.
What you gonna do, nigga? Watch your ass, nigga.
Watch your ass! Aah! Nigga! Ha! Game, bitch! Who's the number-two nigga now, nigga? Nigga, you 7 feet tall bragging about beating a little kid.
Your game is garbage, and you cheat.
That's how it's a fair match, nigga.
I'm 7 feet garbage and you 3 feet nice.
A'ight.
That's true.
New game, nigga.
Unh.
Huh? Ohh! Aah! Lando! Lando! You! You the one been all over the neighborhood trying to undercut my bidness.
You see this? Take a good look at it! I tried to wipe my ass with it, except it chafed my gentle under-region.
Hey, man, you ever heard of free-market principles, nigga? You can't have no [bleep.]
Handyman monopoly out this [bleep.]
Whoa.
No-appointment-keeping, black/white ass around here.
Aha! Et tu, Robert? Et tu? Now, Robert, I know you mad, but I never thought you would stoop this low.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ruckus, that's enough! This is your own fault.
Lando's serious about this landscaping business, and I'm supporting him.
He's good at it, and I'm proud of him.
Pops, you mean that? I doSon.
Fine! I hope you niggas are happy with each other.
Aw, pops, you don't even know what that meant to a nigga right now.
For the first time in my life, I understand the true meaning of family.
George Lucas ruined the "Star Wars" franchise the minute that wavy-haired jigaboo stepped on-screen and put his monkey paws all over princess Leia.
Didn't I tell you? Look at us.
One big, beautiful black family.
Hmph.
I know you smilin' on the inside, huh? Uh-huh.
I can tell, nigga.
I can tell.
You can't bull [bleep.]
big baby brother, nigga.
You just as gleeful as a [bleep.]
Okay, gang.
Food is just about ready.
And turn that damn thing off.
You know how I feel about that "steve Wilkos show.
" Okay, pops.
We fit to turn it off.
HakeemYou are the father, and I hate your [bleep.]
guts! Yes! Whoo-hoo! I cannot believe this.
I knew it.
I knew it.
I knew he was the baby daddy.
Man, I-I knew that [bleep.]
Too.
Wait, stop.
Freeze it.
All right, bring it back.
There.
"Producers reserve the right to nullify, falsify, reverse, and/or otherwise misrepresent results of DNA paternity tests to preserve the integrity of the show.
" "Actual DNA test results available on request"? Huh?! Aw.
Ohh.
Hi.
Yeah, um, we're calling about the DNA test for Robert Freeman.
Yeah -- the "near death deadbeat" episode.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Thanks.
Granddad You're not the father.
Ohh.
Aw, man! For real? You mean we just did all that bonding for nothin'? No, I-it wasn't for nothing.
I mean -- slow down, playboy.
You don't have say nothin'.
Really.
Huey, Riley, what can I say, man? Nigga really appreciates y'all for opening up your home to me, you know what I'm talkin' about? But if we ain't family, what we doin' this for? I mean, I ain't got to be boys, you know? I ain't know no king of pop [bleep.]
you know what I'm talkin' about? I'll just beat it.
So, what are you gonna do now, son? I meanLando.
Who knows? Maybe I'll find that right lady, you know, start a family of my own.
This was kind of cool.
A'ight.
You little niggas be easy.
You listen to your granddaddy.
You real lucky to have him.
You all right? Yeah.
I really dodged a bullet there.
He wasn't a bad guy, though.
I hope he does find his real daddy one day.
International star and colt 45 spokesperson Billy Dee Williams?! Yes.
You must be Robert Freeman.
I saw you on "the Steve Wilkos show" with lando, but I'm afraid I've got some pretty shocking news.
He's not your son.
We know that.
BecauseHe's my son.
Your son? You mean, you and Marietta? Yes.
She sent me a letter.
It must have been right before she passed.
I've been trying to find him, but I couldn't until I saw him on your show.
Is he here? That way.
If you hurry, you might catch him.
Thanks.
Man, I wish I could be related to Billy Dee Williams.
He way cooler than you, granddad.
Guess that's why he get all the bitches first.
Boys, it's a great day for yard work.