The Carmichael Show (2015) s03e10 Episode Script

1 The Carmichael Show is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
I'm just saying, something has to be wrong with Maxine's sister, the way Maxine has kept her away from us all this time.
You think she has any deformities? What if she only has one hand? Are we supposed to shake her nub? Okay, relax, Ma.
I've met Casey before.
She doesn't have a nub.
If she had a nub, don't you think I would have led with that? Well something got to be wrong with her.
I hope she don't have none of that Asperger's.
Lord knows, I don't do well with people with Asperger's.
See, I-I get scared that I'm gonna say one of their trigger words, so I get real quiet; I shut down emotionally.
I basically become a person with Asperger's around people with Asperger's.
God, I hope they can find a cure.
Okay, there's nothing wrong with Maxine's sister.
You just haven't seen her because she's been busy at school, but she's a nice girl.
Like, I think you guys will like her.
She's like a quieter Maxine.
Well, I like the idea of a quieter Maxine.
Well, look, I-if there's nothing wrong with her, you'll set me up with her, right? No.
You're selfish, Jerrod, you know that? He was always a terrible sharer.
Wouldn't let your brother, Bobby, touch your Hot Wheels! Didn't want him touching your Sega Dreamcast.
Well, Jerrod, it stops here.
You gonna let your brother have sex with your girlfriend's sister.
That's final! Hey, everyone.
So, this is my little sister, Casey.
I'm so excited for you to meet her.
Here she is.
Hey, Casey.
Meet my family.
Nice to meet everyone.
Hi.
Wow, what a relief.
A nice firm handshake.
And she is making eye contact.
That's a good sign.
- Come on.
- Don't worry.
Maxine already warned me that you guys can be pretty direct.
Mm-hmm.
Better than our parents who would get drunk and ignore us.
Anyway, can I use your bathroom? - Uh - Well, first of all, I got to know what you gonna do in there.
We got a problem with the toilet.
Never mind, go ahead.
Go on, do your business.
Come on, Casey.
Hi.
(chuckles) Oh, my God.
What? Look, either my eyes are deceiving me or Maxine's sister is Caramel Diva from the Blue Diamond Strip Club.
(scoffs) Excuse me, what? Maxine, you brought a sex worker into our home? I didn't.
My sister is not a stripper.
Yes, she is.
I'd know that face anywhere.
That is Caramel Diva using our bathroom right now.
But, look, my bad.
If you trying to keep this a family secret, I won't say another word.
No, this is not some family secret.
And being a stripper is nothing to be ashamed of.
I'm just saying that you have my sister confused with someone else.
Yeah, and, Bobby, if you're at strip clubs looking at the women's faces, you're doing it wrong.
Well, look, when I was going through my divorce, one of my friends took me to the strip club to get over my depression.
And that woman in that bathroom, Caramel Diva, grinded on me for $45.
Okay? And it made me feel special.
That lap dance, (sighs) it felt like my own private Tony Robbins seminar.
It changed everything for me.
Well, I'm happy for you, Bobby, but it wasn't her.
Well, there's only one way to settle this.
Somebody go knock on that bathroom door and ask her, does she take her clothes off for money? On it, Momma.
No! No.
No one is asking my sister if she is a stripper.
Yeah, you can't just ask somebody if they're a stripper.
That's rude.
That's right up there with asking a burn victim, "What the hell happened to your face?" Now, the polite thing to do is to look away and pretend that they don't exist.
What? (laughs) Come on, girl, stop playing games.
I know who you are and you know who you are.
MAXINE: Bobby.
I'm sorry.
For some reason, he thinks you're a stripper.
Maxine, we need to talk.
Oh, my God.
Ha! How could you be a stripper? Ugh, it's so degrading.
It's beneath you.
You're smart.
You should be in school.
Maxine, it's not degrading.
And you don't have the right to tell me what to do with my life.
And do you really want to have this conversation in front of Jerrod's family? Well, we already know that you grinded on my son, so I think we're a little past privacy.
Maxine, don't be so hard on your sister.
I mean, weren't you just saying a few minutes ago that stripping is nothing to be ashamed of? Yeah, it's nothing to be ashamed of unless you are my little sister.
We used to hold hands and go ice skating together.
Ice skating? Whoo, rich people are something else.
Maxine, you can't be someone who says that they're open-minded - when it comes to stripping - (sighs) and that it's just women owning their sexuality, and then change your mind the second you find out it's someone close to you.
I mean, every stripper is someone's baby sister, or daughter, or young hot aunt.
Now, listen, young lady, I don't want to come off aggressive.
I know we just met.
But if I was your mother, I'd kill myself.
All right, let's go easy on her.
Let's not forget that she provides a very necessary service.
Oh, Joe.
Well, somebody's got to strip.
I always said cities can not function without hospitals or strip clubs.
That's the reason they both open on Christmas.
So, Joe, if you had a daughter, you would be fine with her stripping? Well, God blessed me with sons because He knew I wasn't strong enough to face that question.
Casey, what happened? Why are you doing this? Are you trying to piss off Dad? No, I choose to do this.
I like dancing.
It's good money.
I feel sexy and I'm really good at it.
Yep, I can attest to that.
(sighs) Look, Caramel Diva, you are one of the most talented dancers I've ever seen.
In fact, I think you're a better dancer than Maxine is a therapist.
You made me feel better about myself in 15 minutes than Maxine has done after years of conversations.
You're not only a great dancer, you a healer.
You are too beautiful to be a stripper.
Now, seeing a beautiful stripper is like seeing an Asian man working at McDonald's.
I just want to grab him and say, "You don't need to do this.
People that look like you are supposed to do better.
" Cynthia, that was extremely racist, but I agree with the sentiment.
Casey, this woman and I have never agreed on anything.
And we dislike what you're doing so much that it's uniting us.
It's true.
We don't get along.
In fact, I was actually in Trader Joe's the other day, saw Maxine, didn't speak to her like she was a stranger.
That was you.
JOE: Now, Maxine, before you go trying to decide that what your sister's doing is right or wrong, we need to ask her the most important question of all: Casey, how much money do you make, uh, stripping? (chuckles) That's a good question, Daddy.
Um, I I really, I don't want to.
Joe, don't be rude.
Now, she don't need to tell us how much money she makes a year, but is it over $60,000? Cynthia.
I am collecting data.
We're trying to help you, Maxine.
So is it over $60? I mean, we ain't talking $70, are we? Um Oh, my God.
She makes over $70,000? Okay.
Casey, I'm sorry.
My family will stop asking if you just tell us.
Okay.
If you really need to know, last year I made $92,000.
- Sweet Shepard of Jesus.
- Get out of town! JERROD: Oh, wow.
Oh-ho.
I mean, who are we to criticize Casey? I mean, if she went back to high school and told her guidance counselor she made $92,000 a year, her guidance counselor would quit and start stripping herself.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey, Nekeisha.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Wait a minute.
Caramel Diva, is that you? How many people in this house are regulars at this strip club? Uh, well, I'm not a regular.
I just brought Bobby there when he was having trouble getting over the divorce.
Caramel Diva, what are you doing here? I'm Maxine's sister.
My real name is Casey.
Oh, well, that's gonna be hard to remember since I met you as Caramel Diva and that really stuck with me.
I'm just gonna keep calling you Caramel Diva, okay? Uh, wait a minute.
Bobby, you mean to tell me the friend who took you to a strip club to help you get over your divorce from Nekeisha was Nekeisha? Well, somebody had to, okay? I was devastated.
I was crying for, like, six days straight.
I was afraid I was gonna cry out all the sodium out my body.
Maxine, why didn't you tell us your sister was a dancer? Because I didn't know.
Clearly, she was too ashamed to tell me.
I'm not ashamed.
I just didn't want to deal with all this.
Look how judgmental you're being.
See, this is the exact behavior that keeps women from moving forward in society.
We don't need men to tear us down, 'cause we doing it to ourselves! I am not tearing her down, but I'm concerned with the negative impact that degrading herself will have on her for years to come.
(scoffs) Enough with the therapy.
For once, I would love it if you could try to understand me instead of trying to judge me all the time.
Yes, I hate when she does that.
You should have seen the judgmental look she gave me when I said dog-fighting wasn't no big deal.
Casey, all I have ever tried to do is protect you.
You know that we couldn't rely on Mom and Dad.
They're alcoholic narcissists.
There you go judging again.
They are party people.
Ain't nothing wrong with that.
- Maxine - (groans) this is the problem with our relationship.
We're not as close as you think we are.
Uh, I don't even think of you as a sister.
You feel more like a second mom to me.
That's why I don't share things with you and why I don't come around too often.
MAXINE: Look, Casey, I want us to have a healthy relationship.
But how can I not judge you? I mean, you are stripping.
Maxine, I've heard you defend stripping before, saying it's just women taking control over the exploitation of their own bodies.
And as a feminist myself, I am offended by how hypocritical you're being.
JOE: Jerrod, you have never said nor done anything in support of a feminist cause in your entire life.
But that's what you can do, you can just label yourself a feminist and be one? Well, if Rachel Dolezal gets to be black by just saying it, I guess Jerrod gets to be a feminist.
NEKEISHA: Maxine, it's easy to judge when you don't have firsthand experience.
Maybe you should walk a mile in your sister's clear plastic hooker heels.
You mean strip? Mm-hmm.
Oh, please.
My sister would never do that.
Judging something without any facts or experience is one of her favorite things to do.
Oh, she does do that a lot.
But, uh, as a feminist, I really shouldn't criticize a woman.
Wow, it really is that easy.
See, Jerrod, now I'm a feminist! So, if I went and stripped, that would mean you would actually listen to my opinions and my concerns? Maxine, your sister is not asking you to strip.
Yes, I am.
Look, at least I'd know that you cared and that you were coming from a place of experience instead of just judgment.
Or you could be like normal sisters and talk things out over a pedicure or something.
You don't think I'm gonna do this.
I know you won't do this.
I'm gonna do it.
What are you what are you doing? Just go to brunch.
Get-get some champagne, some mimosas.
Use my credit card.
It's on me, y'all, come on.
Oh, no, brother, they not going to brunch.
Mm-mm.
She about to get butt naked.
Caramel Diva is now The Sisters Caramel.
All right, what do you think of this for my stripping outfit? You look like Morticia from The Addams Family.
You're not doing this, Maxine.
This is insane.
Yes, I am, Jerrod.
This is gonna mean a lot to my sister.
And you said yourself, she needs to know that I'm not just judging her.
- (sighs) - Okay, what do you think of this song for my dance? (playing "The Freshmen" by The Verve Pipe) When I was young, I knew - (music stops) - Okay, Maxine, what the hell was that? What? Just the fact that you know that song reminds me that we had very different childhoods.
Well, if I'm gonna be stripping, it needs to be to something emotional.
Strip clubs are depressing enough when they're playing Drake! People are gonna kill themselves to that! Here's the thing, Maxine.
Every man wants a woman that other men fantasize about seeing naked.
But you don't want those guys to actually get a chance to see it.
Especially for a $15 admission.
That's right, it only costs $15 to get into that place.
You are exposing yourself for the price of a 12-piece at Popeyes.
Weren't you the one defending my sister, saying that stripping was an okay thing to do? I was lying! Stripping is degrading, and everybody knows that.
It's weird that it's even legal.
Look, look, Maxine, I realize that I'm as big of a hypocrite as you.
I had no problem with stripping until someone that I love decided to do it, and now I have a huge problem with it.
So please stop before somebody gets hurt.
Look, I'm sorry, but this isn't about you.
This is about me being there for my sister and trying to keep my family together.
Are you telling me that you are stripping to save your family? Yeah.
I guess that is what I'm trying to do.
- (sighs) - Now, I'm trying to work on my stripper name.
So, what do you like better? Double Dip or Wet Sprinkle? Ugh, Maxine, this is just disgusting.
Well, I think I'm gonna go with Wet Sprinkle, all right? Love you.
I won't be too late.
Maxine, don't just kiss me and say you love me like everything's fine.
Maxine, I'm trying to protect you, okay? It's a brutal industry! You don't have the heart to be a stripper! You got no pain to draw from, Maxine! Maxine! (knocking on door) Hey, um, can I talk to you guys for a minute? Maxine, why you look like a prostitute Inspector Gadget? You really are going to that amateur night, aren't you? Yeah.
(chuckles softly) Man, this stripping is turning into the family business in front of our very eyes.
I don't even know if this is even gonna help, but I don't know what else to do.
(sighs) I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I wish my family was more like yours.
Of course you do.
Everybody likes to borrow things from black culture, 'cause we so fun and cool.
No, not the culture.
Also, I'm black.
For the sake of argument, sure.
Go on.
I just want the closeness you all have, you know? You guys are able to criticize each other and disagree without it ruining your relationships.
The last time my sister and I got in an argument, we didn't speak for seven months.
CYNTHIA: Seven months? Jerrod stole Bobby's first girlfriend and Bobby forgave him by dinnertime.
You see, Maxine, we had the benefit of living without money.
Nothing unites a family more than financial struggle.
You really don't know how much you need another family member until your cable bill is in your son's name.
He's right.
Our family grew up in a small house.
We couldn't avoid each other.
Now, you grew up in a big house.
When your family would fight, they could just storm off and go to separate rooms.
That's why Brad and Angelina didn't make it.
Their house had too many rooms.
And even with all those international kids, they couldn't fill up that place.
So what am I supposed to do? Okay, Maxine, you got to pretend that you come from a poor family.
Say what you got to say to your sister, but criticize her to her face.
Yes, you got to call her names.
You know, like, "harlot, slut!" You know, things like that.
And after it's all over, you sit down and you have dinner together, 'cause that's what families do.
You disagree, you fight, but then you stick together.
Part of it is love, but, also, part of it is circumstance, like I said.
You know why Bobby and Jerrod are so close? Because they shared a car, a bathroom, one pair of dress shoes.
You know, them boys never could go to a funeral at the same time.
And know this, Maxine, whether or not you choose to be disgusting tonight and take all your clothes off for men, and crawl around on your hands and knees, picking up sweaty dollar bills from the floor, you are still welcome for dinner here.
Well, thank you.
After you shower.
(knocks) Hey.
Oh, my God, Maxine.
It means so much to me that you are doing this.
Look, Casey, we need to talk.
We can't just shut each other out because we disagree.
We are sisters; we need to learn how to criticize each other and still have a relationship.
So you're not going out there? Well, it shouldn't matter whether or not I go out there.
We need to love each other and stand by each other no matter what.
I should be able to call you a slut and still have dinner with you.
Did you just call me a slut? Kind of.
Look, my point is, maybe I am a little bit hard on you and too overprotective.
But you need to take responsibility for being the one who shuts me out every time things get hard.
Because us not being close can't be all on me.
Well, I don't know any other way.
We had terrible parents.
Obviously, they could have done better.
We're both standing backstage at a strip club.
Look, no matter what is going on in your life, whether or not I agree with it, I am going to be here.
And if you want us to have a good relationship, then you need to be here, too.
DEEJAY: Who's ready for amateur night? Making her Blue Diamond Strip Club debut, it's Wet Sprinkle! (playing "The Freshmen" by The Verve Pipe) Well? Thanks, fellas.
Have a good time.
Hey, my man.
I'm looking for my girlfriend; she's stripping for amateur night.
Ah, man, I wish you wouldn't have told me that.
Now I can't let you in here.
What are you talking about? Why not? We got a strict no boyfriend policy on amateur night.
See, when a guy sees his girl take her clothes off for the first time in a room full of strange men, they got a tendency to shoot up the place.
See that bullet hole right there? That's from a boyfriend in 2010.
Went right by my face.
Anyway, that's why I can't let you in here.
Jerrod, what are you doing here? Maxine, I was at home, just trying to accept this.
And I-I just couldn't, okay? I love you, and I don't want to share you.
So please tell me you didn't go through with this.
I almost didn't.
Maxine, what the hell? I told you I needed to strip to save my family.
Nobody has ever had to strip to save their family.
I met a lot of single mothers backstage who would beg to differ.
Well did you make a lot of money? Jerrod we can finally go to Hawaii.
All right, well, let's get out of here, Wet Sprinkle.
We don't have to ever speak of this.