The Conners (2018) s03e10 Episode Script

1 "Who is Eckhart Tolle?" "Who is Eckhart Tolle?!" Who is Eckhart Tolle? Who is Eckhart Tolle? Only one of the most famous spiritual teachers of our time, but most importantly, he's Oprah's bestie.
I thought Gayle was Oprah's bestie.
At least, according to the little TV on the gas pump.
Short pants, short pants.
"What are knickerbockers?!" Don't tell me you're still thinking of going on "Jeopardy!" It's not the same without Alex Trebek, rest in peace.
No, of course not, but Alex would want it to go on, and he would want me to go on.
He told me that when I was on the hallucinogenic tea.
Oh, well, if the drugs said so, you gotta do it.
Stop trying to neg me, Dan.
"What is Little Big Horn?" I mean, "Who is Custer?" Dammit, Jackie! You're going to "the show.
" Get it together.
Grandpa, can we go to Laser Maxx Family Fun Center this weekend? They're social distancing.
Oh, money's a little tight right now, honey.
Hey, you want to play laser tag, let's go out in the yard and I'll chase you around with a flashlight.
Oh! Hey, man.
What's up? Oh.
Nothing.
Just thought I'd drop by and ask you to look out your window.
It's a boat.
Oh, it is a boat.
Your commitment to these practical jokes is impressive.
Uh, it's mine.
I just bought it.
It took me a minute to convince Anne-Marie, but once I got the grandkids to whine at that pitch that makes her crazy, she gave in.
- Good for you.
- Yeah.
- You want some coffee? - No, I don't want some coffee.
I-I want you to come look at my boat.
I saw it.
You want some coffee or not? I want to go see your boat! See, that's how you act when someone gets a boat.
Come on.
Get excited, man.
We're gonna have a blast this summer on Lake Michigan.
You know, I'm hoping you and Louise will be able to join us sometime, man.
We can cruise around, drink beer.
Sure.
Sounds great.
Kind of ironic, isn't it? What do you mean? No, I mean, it just goes to show you.
Just goes to show you what? Well, it's funny how I'm the one that gave you a job, made you a partner in my business, and now you have a boat and I don't.
What are you, uh You saying I shouldn't have a boat? No, no, no.
I'm not saying you shouldn't have a boat.
I'm just saying I probably should have had a boat first.
You know what, Dan, you're right.
How dare I have a boat before you? Come on, I didn't mean it like that.
Oh, yes, you did.
You just didn't know you did.
You know, I'll try and remember to stay a step below you, Dan.
What are you getting so worked up about? I told you I like your stupid boat.
Now sit down and have some coffee.
Oh, don't tell me what to do.
I don't even know why I came over here.
3x10 Who Are Bosses, Boats and Eckhart Tolle? Wow.
I can't believe I have my own office.
Well, if it's too much for you, we can always get you a milk crate and a stool.
No, no.
No.
I-It's weird, but it's kinda cool.
In the meantime, I've, uh, set up some interviews for you so you can hire an assistant.
An assistant? Uh, I'm pretty much the kind of person that likes to do everything by myself.
Just ask my boyfriend how I am in bed.
I did.
He said you need an assistant.
You were 10 minutes late today.
I was 15 minutes late yesterday.
How 'bout an 'atta girl? So, this is what it's like living inside Robin's butt.
Where do you keep the stick? Okay, did you come here just to torment me? Mostly.
But I'm also here on Union Steward business.
The time clock is five minutes off, so we're getting written up for coming in late.
Maybe you people up here could put down your caviar spoons for a minute and come down and fix it.
Okay, okay.
I'll I'll look into it.
Now beat it.
I gotta interview some assistants.
You know, in an interview, you have to pretend to listen to people.
All I have to do is look in their eyes, nod periodically, and then, you know, there's the smiling.
And that's how the Joker became the Joker.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Couldn't hold me down, could you, Lanford? Who's the bitch now? Excuse me? - Oh.
- I'm here for the interview? Oh, my God.
Hi.
I'm so sorry.
I'm Darlene Conner.
First question you still want to work for me after hearing that? No worries.
My last boss shot a champagne cork out his window and killed a bird.
Um Okay.
Where should we start? Can I sit down? Oh, my God.
Yes.
Please sit down.
So um I'm interested in you.
Oh.
Uh, what's that you got in your hand? Oh, this is just a little rabbit's foot my daughter Ruthie gave me.
If I get this job, she can get her own computer.
She's been using the computer at the halfway house down the block, but I'm really not comfortable with her asking the junkies how to spell things.
You're hired.
Whoa.
Really? No other questions? Oh, God, no.
I wouldn't put either one of us through that.
Thank you so much! - Oh, this is gonna be great.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Oh.
What do you usually wear to work? Um I don't know.
Something kind of like what I'm wearing today.
Why? Let me just take a quick photo.
That way, I can be sure we coordinate.
I want people to know I belong to you.
Mm! You always get the last laugh, don't you, Lanford? I don't know what you're trying to flatten, but it must be pretty curled to need all those books.
Well, I realized that there are some "Jeopardy!" categories I'm not as strong in, so I'm trying to memorize history.
Which part? Human.
Hey, can I come in? I've been tested for all sorts of things, but the COVID one is good.
Sure.
All right.
Jackie.
Dwight.
Chuck asked me to drop this off.
What's in it? It's a bill.
Chuck is officially breaking up the partnership, and he assumes you're gonna keep all the equipment you guys bought, so he wants to be reimbursed for half.
Chuck's breaking up your partnership? What happened? I didn't do cartwheels over his dumbass boat and he lost his mind about it.
He knows I'm struggling to hang onto my house and he pulls a boat into my driveway? Might as well park it in my be-hind and call it the "S.
S.
Take That.
" You know what would show Chuck a thing or two is if you got yourself a new partner.
An attractive, young one.
I'm done with partners.
Okay.
So we're negotiating.
You're offering me nothing.
I will take a silent partnership and I'll work for minimum wage.
Final offer.
That's less than I pay you now.
Yes, but I'm a partner.
Sounds way better on Farmers Only.
You city girls don't know what you want.
Anything you want me to pass on to Chuck? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you can tell him I'll get him his money when I'm damn good and ready! Okay.
I'll give him the message.
But I don't think I can replicate your ferocity.
Lisa, can you print the latest production reports and put them on my desk, please? Sure.
Oh! Hey, boss? Do you want me to get Ruthie on her new computer so she can say thank you to her Auntie Darlene? Aww, that's sweet, but no.
Uh, and I'm not really comfortable with Auntie Darlene.
Let's start with Ms.
Conner and see where it goes after five or six years.
Darlene Conner's office.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
It's Ginette from Sales.
Hey, Ginette.
Uh I-I'm sorry.
Let me put you on hold for a second.
Why is Ginette screaming at me? She just called me something I only hear in Tarantino films.
Oh.
Right.
You know, she called earlier saying there's a lot of orders coming in and that you need to get on your people to increase their output.
I told her that you said your people are working as fast as they can and to get off your back or you'll come down there and kick her ass.
What? Why would you do that? Ginette's just trying to push you around because you're a new boss.
You need to shank someone right away to get respect.
Ginette? Ginette.
Ginette.
Look, why don't I come down to your office and we can hash this out, okay? All right, we've got a problem.
Are you mad at me? No.
No, this is your first day, and I should have made it clear that you shouldn't threaten department heads on my behalf.
Well, that would've helped.
My bad.
Oh, my God! "Twilight"! I want to see this.
Mary, it's way past your bedtime.
What are you doing up? It's hard to sleep with all that's going on in the world.
Shh.
You know what, Josh? I've seen this movie so many times.
What I really want to watch right now is C-SPAN.
Next order of business, item number 1742.
Does Josh know that mental illness runs in our family? It's not mental illness.
It's, uh It's uh, drug abuse, alcoholism, and poor diet.
You're rich, right, Josh? Are you going to give Harris some of that money? Let's go.
"Twilight"? That's a tricky one for a girl your age.
They're in love, but he wants to suck her blood out and kill her.
Remember, you deserve better than that.
Have you talked to Chuck yet? No point.
I'm writing up a custody agreement about our equipment.
I figure we could do every other week.
The important thing is that the tools don't think it's their fault.
You guys have known each other for over 40 years.
You're really gonna throw this relationship away over a boat? I'll make new friends.
No, you won't.
You're very unpleasant.
Okay, maybe I was a little jealous, but he's the one that blew the whole thing up.
Come on, Dan.
He's your best friend.
If something good happened to you not that it's ever going to who would you call? When Roseanne went into labor with Becky, who was the first person at the hospital? Chuck.
But he only beat me there because the place he was drinking was closer to the hospital than the place I was drinking.
And who'd you call first when Roseanne died? You should just call him.
Oh, wait a minute.
Oh, maybe we can get our own damn boat because I just made the "Jeopardy!" audition phase! Talk to Chuck or not, I don't care.
So, not only did you not fix the clock, but now we can't make eye contact with you in the hallway?! What? Oh, my God.
This wasn't me this was Lisa.
I mean, I kinda like the concept, but it's not appropriate.
This woman is out of control.
Well, you did ask her one whole question in the interview.
What more could you do? Well, I only needed one question, but it should have been, "Are you insane?" You gotta fire her.
No, no.
That's what our bosses always have done to us, and we always complained that we didn't get a second chance.
When I got fired in Chicago, it literally killed me.
I came home, I cried to Mom, and I didn't even know how to move forward.
I'm not gonna do that to somebody else.
Okay, can I do it? No.
I've got to step up and be a boss.
I'll be her mentor the way Robin mentored me.
But let's be honest, how good of a job did Robin really do? I mean, look at you.
You're a mess.
No, I'm not.
I'm forging my own management style.
It's a mix of conflict avoidance, blue-collar guilt, with a dash of IBS.
Chef's kiss.
Boy, this really is a nice boat.
I took the ferry to Muskegon one time.
I didn't experience the pure joy of boating because I was in my truck eating a cheeseburger.
What do you want, Dan? Permission to come aboard? Suit yourself.
Look I'm sorry I didn't jump up and down about the boat, but you know what kind of money troubles I got.
I guess it felt like you were shoving the thing in my face.
Oh.
But you know me better than that, Dan.
I just wanted you to be happy for me that's all.
Part of me was, but part of me was mad at myself that I didn't get one, too.
Hey, it's not my fault that you suck at money.
You couldn't hold onto a dollar bill if it had a handle.
Look, neither one of us had a lot.
The difference was that I put away 20 bucks a week for 40 years.
Yeah.
But I bet you never had the joy of blowing your entire paycheck at the state fair on things that aren't supposed to be fried but are.
I'm a Black man.
I got fried all day every day at home.
Look, I get why you were pissed at me, but I don't know why you had to bust up the business.
Look, because you were going on and on about doing me a favor for bringing me onto your crew and making me your partner.
You think that stuff happened because I couldn't do it on my own? I didn't say that.
Well, I couldn't.
Because I'm Black and you're white.
What does that have to do with anything? Are you kidding? Lanford in those days? A Black man running a construction company wasn't gonna happen.
I couldn't get a lumber yard to give me credit.
I couldn't get a loan from a bank.
And there were plenty of white customers that wouldn't trust me with their business.
You never talked to me about this.
Come on, man.
You've been in the world.
Even if I told you, you don't live it.
You wouldn't understand.
Look Look, don't get me wrong.
I appreciate the job and the fact that your giant, pale, puffy face helped me get my boat.
Well, sometimes behind a giant, white face is somebody that wants the best for you.
I hope you learned a little bit about race here today.
Screw you, old man.
And just so you know, when I hired you, I thought I was hiring a friend.
No, we weren't damn friends.
I did what I had to do to get by.
And it turned out that you were a you were a good guy.
So, hell yeah, now we're damn friends.
You're like a 14-year-old girl, Dan.
I'll get you a friendship bracelet.
I want the kind where we each get half a heart.
Hey, what do you say we tear up this custody agreement, get back to work, huh? Yeah, well, uh I've been thinking about that lately, Dan.
I'm tired.
I've decided I'm gonna retire.
What? I-I-I don't want to work anymore.
I want to enjoy my life.
Why would you want to enjoy your life when you can work yourself to death with me? I'm sorry, Dan.
Oh, don't be.
I get it.
Ah.
We should celebrate.
Too bad you ain't got no beer on this boat.
Oh, lift up the seat cushion.
Which one? Any one.
- Ta-da! - Whoo! Oh, this is so great.
I want to do this with all my furniture.
Hey, Darlene.
Look who knows where you live.
Oh.
I'm so sorry, but I wanted to prepare you before you got to work.
I tried to move your parking spot to the front of the building by saying you had rickets.
Now they're asking for a doctor's note, so we're gonna have to figure something out.
Okay, sit down.
We need to talk.
I was just gonna shoot you a text, but I didn't want you to freak out, 'cause you know how you do.
What are you doing, Becky? As the Union Steward, I feel I should be here to protect the interests of this employee.
- You can't stay.
- Fine.
Good luck with everything.
I don't need luck.
I let my work do the talking.
Okay.
Listen, here's the thing.
You've been messing up a lot, but I'm gonna be the kind of boss I wish I'd had, so instead of firing you, I'm gonna give you one warning.
Let me stop you right there.
My job is to protect you.
I'm the Doberman that's going to protect the junkyard that is Darlene Conner.
Okay, I'm gonna give you an extra warning.
Thank you so much.
If you had fired me, I don't know what I would have told Janie.
Who's Janie? My daughter.
Part of being a good manager is remember people's names.
This is why you need me.
Your daughter's name is Ruthie.
Oh, I did say that.
Oops.
I made her up to get the job.
This is another reason why you need me.
You're gullible.
Okay, you're fired.
What?! Look, a-as someone who considered being your mentor, you should know there's something missing or broken in your head.
I can't have another firing on my résumé.
I was unemployed for months before this.
Look, I've been there, and it is gonna work out.
How? How am I going to pay my bills? Well, that's a good point.
But you don't have a kid anymore, so that'll save you money.
Can you still be my mentor? I think that might be hard since you'll have a new job and also you won't be allowed in our building anymore, 'cause that's my next call.
So, I'm super easy to work for, and I guess I just have one question you're not gonna love me too much and do weird things, are you? Oh, no.
You're an atheist and full of the devil.
I have to pray to God every time I leave your presence.
Perfect.
We're gonna get along just fine.
Oh.
And here is a picture of Lisa.
One of your jobs is to keep her away from me.
How permanently do you want me to do that? What do you mean? Well, the hand of God will smite thine enemies for 250 bucks.
Are you talking about 250 bucks for a hitman? No.
That would be wrong.
It's a contribution to my prayer circle.
It worked for my friend with the abusive husband.
He fell in the shower.
Um, well, I only have a couple more people to interview, but I think this went well.