The Exes (2011) s03e10 Episode Script

- PREVIOUSLY ON THE EXES - LOOK, WE'RE FRIENDS, AND--AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, WE'RE AVOIDING EACH OTHER BECAUSE OF, WHAT, ONE SILLY KISS? - I KNOW.
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
- FRIENDS? - FRIENDS.
DUDE.
- DUDE.
- LET'S GO, LET'S GO.
WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR THE WEDDING.
WOW.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
- I KNOW.
I LIKE TO THINK THIS IS WHAT JAMES BOND WOULD LOOK LIKE IF HE WASN'T ALWAYS - UH, WHAT IS KEEPING HASKELL? IF HE MAKES US LATE FOR THIS WEDDING, I AM GONNA BE ONE HOT MESS.
- DON'T WORRY, WE'LL GET YOU THERE IN TIME TO CATCH THE BOUQUET.
ANYWAY, RELAX.
THIS IS PAUL'S WEDDING, NOT YOURS.
- HELLO, GENTLEMEN.
SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING, BUT I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE IT WAS WORTH IT.
- HASKELL, THAT IS ONE BEAUTIFUL TUX.
WHAT IS THAT, HUGO BOSS? ARMANI? - NOPE.
SHING-SHING WOO.
THIS LITTLE BABY COMES FROM THE CHINESE PROVINCE OF GUANGDONG CHENG.
IT COST ME $49.
95, AND MOST OF THAT WAS SHIPPING.
- WELL, LET'S GO.
I DON'T WANT TO KEEP MY DATE WAITING.
SHE'S MEETING ME AT THE WEDDING.
- WHOA.
YOU'RE BRINGING A DATE? - YEAH, OF COURSE.
WEDDINGS ARE MEANT TO BE SHARED WITH SOMEONE.
WHEN I WAS MARRIED, I ALWAYS HAD LORNA, BUT NOW, I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT SAD BASTARD ALONE IN THE CORNER.
- A DATE? AT A WEDDING? WHAT A WASTE.
WEDDINGS ARE STACKED WITH BITTER, LONELY WOMEN WONDERING, "WILL IT EVER HAPPEN FOR ME?" THEY'RE DESPERATE.
THEIR DEFENSES ARE DOWN.
THEIR BAR IS LOW WHICH IS WHERE I COME IN.
THE LAST TRAIN OUT OF SAD TOWN.
- THERE ARE MY BOYS.
OH, YOU LOOK GORGEOUS.
- HOLLY, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY WITH US GOING TO PAUL'S WEDDING? - OH, OF COURSE.
LOOK, IT WAS SWEET OF THEM TO INVITE ME, BUT LET'S FACE IT-- HAVING THE HOT, SUCCESSFUL, CHARMING EX-GIRLFRIEND THERE WOULD BE A DISTRACTION.
YEAH, IT WOULD BE SELFISH OF ME TO GO.
AND, AFTER ALL, THE WEDDING'S NOT ABOUT ME.
- WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.
I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU WEREN'T GOING 'CAUSE YOU WERE FEELING JEALOUS THAT PAUL WAS GETTING MARRIED.
- HOW LITTLE YOU KNOW ME.
- I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU WERE THINKING YOU MADE A MISTAKE BREAKING UP WITH PAUL.
- THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
- WELL, I THOUGHT-- - STOP THINKING! GUYS, REST ASSURED, I HAVE NO REGRETS ABOUT BREAKING UP WITH PAUL, ALL RIGHT? I HAVE A RICH, REWARDING LIFE-- [gasps.]
THERE'S THAT COOKIE.
I'M SAVING YOU FOR LATER.
OH, WHO AM I KIDDING? [upbeat music.]
? - WOW.
LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
ORCHIDS, DOM PERIGNON, CAVIAR-- IT'S THE KIND OF WEDDING EVERY YOUNG GIRL DREAMS ABOUT.
AND THE OCCASIONAL - DAMN, CHECK HER OUT.
WHEN IT'S TIME TO KISS THE BRIDE, I'M GETTING IN LINE.
- WELL, IF LUCK IS ON MY SIDE, SHE'LL HAVE A SAD, DESPERATE TWIN WITH A DRINKING PROBLEM.
- HEY, THERE HE IS.
THE MAN OF THE HOUR.
- CONGRATULATIONS, BUDDY.
- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE? - YOU SENT AN INVITATION.
- WHAT INVITATION? - YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO INVITE US? - WHY WOULD I WANT MY EX-GIRLFRIEND'S BEST FRIENDS AT MY WEDDING? - OH, WOW.
SORRY, MAN.
- YEAH, WE DIDN'T MEAN TO INTRUDE ON YOUR SPECIAL DAY.
- I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU GUYS.
- YOU GOT US AGAIN, BUDDY.
- YOU RASCAL.
- TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT.
- WELL, I GOTTA RUN.
I PROMISED MY NANA I'D TAKE A PICTURE WITH HER.
- AH, YOU MEAN THAT OLD LADY LYING FACE DOWN ON THE FLOOR? - WHAT? - I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU.
- WHAT AN AWFUL THING TO SAY, AND ON MY WEDDING DAY.
- I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW SORRY I AM.
- I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU.
I THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS.
[shouts.]
- GIRL, YOU ARE LOOKING SMOKIN'.
- THANKS.
YOU LOOK PRETTY HOT YOURSELF.
- WELL, UH, SINCE WE GOT ALL THIS HEAT, MAYBE LATER, WE CAN SNEAK OFF AND PUT EACH OTHER'S FIRES OUT.
- SOUNDS FUN, BUT-- - HERE YOU GO, EDEN.
- AH.
THANKS.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- UM, BRETT, THIS IS PHIL.
PHIL, BRETT.
- WHAT'S HAPPENING, MAN? - HEY.
- OKAY.
UM, SO YOU BROUGHT A DATE.
THAT'S COOL.
IT'S COOL.
- DIDN'T YOU BRING A DATE? - HELL, YEAH.
BECAUSE THAT IS HOW I ROLL.
NOW I JUST GOTTA FIND ONE.
- WOW.
EDEN LOOKS GORGEOUS.
- YEAH.
- WHO'S THAT GUY SHE'S WITH? - SOME DATE.
- GOOD-LOOKING GUY.
- OH, YOU THINK THAT'S GOOD-LOOKING? STUART, THIS HERE? THIS IS GOOD-LOOKING.
YOU'RE JUST USED TO IT 'CAUSE YOU SEE IT EVERY DAY.
YOU'RE SPOILED.
- ALL RIGHT, I'VE SCANNED THE ROOM.
THIS PLACE IS PACKED WITH BITTER, DESPERATE, LONELY WOMEN.
THE ONLY QUESTION IS, WHO'S GONNA WIN THE LUTZ LOTTERY? [laughs, winces.]
- WHAT'S WITH THE SCRATCHING? - MY, UH--MY SHING-SHING WOO IS A--IS A TAD ITCHY.
- HASKELL, THIS THING IS MADE OF 10% WOOL AND 90% YAK.
[cell phone ringing.]
HI, HELEN.
UH, WHA--WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU CAN'T MAKE IT? HOW SICK? YES, 104 IS ALARMING, BUT YOU MADE A COMMITMENT.
NO, IT'S FINE.
I--YES.
I UNDERSTAND.
FEEL BETTER.
- WHAT'S WRONG? - BITCH CAN'T MAKE IT.
- OH, GOD.
- OH, NO, NO.
I'M ALONE AT A WEDDING WITHOUT A DATE.
THANK GOD YOU AND I CAN HANG OUT.
- I LIKE YOUR DESPERATION, BUT I'M HAVING A HARD TIME PICTURING A BIG PAYOFF AT THE END OF THE EVENING.
- HOLLY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T COMING.
- OH, WELL, I WAS SITTING AT HOME, THINKING ABOUT HOW UNSELFISH I WAS BEING BY NOT COMING, WHEN I REALIZED, HOW SELFISH OF ME NOT TO COME.
I MEAN, THEY'RE ALL GONNA BE THINKING, "WHERE'S HOLLY? WHY ISN'T SHE HERE?" AND THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO IS MAKE THIS WEDDING ABOUT ME.
- MM.
OF COURSE.
- MM-HMM.
OH, THERE THEY ARE, THE HAPPY COUPLE.
- YEAH, THEY DO LOOK HAPPY, DON'T THEY? - MM.
THAT COULD'VE BEEN ME.
BUT IT'S NOT, AND, FORTUNATELY, I'VE MOVED ON.
- HOLLY-- - I SAID I'VE MOVED ON.
- HOLLY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - I'M JUST TAKING A PICTURE WITH THE GROOM.
- HOLLY, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE COME.
YOU'RE CLEARLY HAVING SOME REGRETS ABOUT BREAKING UP WITH PAUL.
- WHAT? THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
I'M FINE.
- OKAY, GOOD.
- I GOTTA GO MEET THE BRIDE.
- WAIT.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
BAD IDEA.
YOU CAN'T.
- NO, I HAVE TO.
SEE, I'VE JUST REALIZED, I R.
S.
V.
P.
'D NO, AND IF SHE WALKS DOWN THE AISLE AND SEES ME, SHE'LL GET SO DISTRACTED, SHE WON'T EVEN HEAR HER VOWS.
WELL, I'M NOT GONNA LET THAT HAPPEN, 'CAUSE THIS WEDDING'S NOT ABOUT ME.
- [sighs.]
KEEP 'EM COMING.
- LOVELY WEDDING.
- WHAT'S SO DAMN LOVELY ABOUT IT? I'M SO SICK OF BEING A BRIDESMAID.
I MEAN, WHEN'S IT GONNA BE MY TURN? WHEN IS IT--I'LL TELL YOU WHEN.
I'LL TELL YOU WHEN.
NEVER.
I'M SORRY, SORRY.
I DIDN'T-- I DIDN'T MEAN TO SOUND SO DESPERATE.
- ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
HASKELL LUTZ.
- HELLO.
- HI.
- [chuckles.]
HOW'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE ROOM? - [sneezes.]
NOT SO GOOD.
I HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST COLD.
OH.
SAMANTHA.
- PHIL.
- NICE TO MEET YOU, PHIL, BUT I THINK I NEED TO GO HOME AND REST.
- OH, NO, NO.
THAT'S THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING.
"WALK OFF A COLD, PARTY ON WITH A FEVER.
" - YOU THINK SO? - LET THE HEALING BEGIN.
- OKAY.
- I KNOW I'M ALREADY FEELING BETTER.
- HEY, EDEN, CAN I GET YOU ANOTHER DRINK? - HUH? - A DRINK? - OH, YEAH.
SURE.
- YEAH.
- WOW, WHO'S THAT GIRL THAT PHIL'S WITH? SHE'S GORGEOUS.
- GORGEOUS? YOU THINK SHE'S GORGEOUS? THAT'S NOT GORGEOUS.
I KNOW GORGEOUS.
- OKAY.
UH, SORRY.
I JUST THOUGHT SHE WAS KIND OF PRETTY.
- OF COURSE YOU DID.
ANYONE LOOKS PRETTY IF YOU'RE ALONE AT A WEDDING, STUART.
- OH-- [knocking at door.]
- HELLO? LAUREN? ANYONE HERE? [chuckles delightedly.]
AAH, AAH.
OH.
HEY.
OH, ALL THE WAY FROM HAWAII.
I DO.
[clears throat.]
I DO.
OH, I DO.
[gasps.]
OH, CRAP.
HI, PAUL.
- I MUST ADMIT, I ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT YOU'D LOOK LIKE AS A BRIDE.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
- REALLY? - REALLY.
[knock at door.]
- PAUL? UH, WE'RE READY FOR YOUR PICTURE WITH THE FAMILY.
- OKAY.
- WELL, MY FATHER WAS ALWAYS WORKING, AND MY MOTHER SPENT ALL HER TIME WITH MY SISTER AT HER BEAUTY PAGEANTS.
LITTLE MISS TIPPY-TOES.
- YES.
BUT YOU HAD THE REAL TALENT, THE REAL BRAINS.
YOUR MOTHER JUST COULDN'T SEE IT.
- NO.
NO, SHE DIDN'T SEE IT AT ALL.
YOU KNOW, BOYFRIENDS WOULD COME OVER TO MY HOUSE, AND GUESS WHO THEY WERE INTERESTED IN.
- YOUR SISTER? - NO, MY MOTHER.
- OH.
IT WAS YOU THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN LOOKING AT, A BEAUTY THAT TOOK A MORE DISCERNING EYE TO SEE.
- AWW.
HASKELL, YOU ALWAYS KNOW THE RIGHT THING TO SAY.
- WELL, I'M JUST SPEAKING FROM MY HEART.
UH, COULD YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT? - SURE.
- THANK YOU.
[grunting.]
THANK YOU.
LOVELY WEDDING.
TRY THE PRAWNS.
- STUART, STUART, YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED.
- OH, WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE BRIDE? - OH, SHE WASN'T THERE.
- AND YET THAT CRAZY LOOK IN YOUR EYE TELLS ME THERE'S MORE.
- SO I'M IN THE BRIDAL SUITE, WEARING THE VEIL, HOLDING THE BOUQUET, AND THEN SOMETHING WEIRD HAPPENED.
- WHAT COULD BE WEIRDER THAN THAT? - PAUL CAME IN AND KISSED ME.
- OKAY, YOU WIN.
WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING KISSING THE GROOM BEFORE HIS WEDDING? - HE KISSED ME.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART IS? - THERE'S A BEST PART? - I FELT NOTHING.
SO NOW I'M SURE I DON'T WANT TO MARRY PAUL.
IT WAS JUST WEDDING FEVER.
- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
BUT WHAT ABOUT PAUL? - OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
HE'S OBVIOUSLY STILL IN LOVE WITH ME.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I'VE DESTROYED THIS WEDDING.
[gasps.]
I'M LIKE A GORGEOUS, SEXY WRECKING BALL.
- [sighs.]
YOU BETTER GO SET PAUL STRAIGHT.
- YEAH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW, I'M BEGINNING TO THINK I SHOULDN'T HAVE COME.
SUDDENLY, THE WEDDING'S ALL ABOUT ME.
HOW'D THAT HAPPEN? - [laughs loudly.]
- HEY, UH, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME CHAMPAGNE? - WHY NOT? - OKAY, HERE YOU GO.
OH, MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE THIS ONE.
NO, NO, MAYBE-- [stammering.]
EDEN.
I DIDN'T SEE YOU OVER HERE.
- WHO IS YOUR FRIEND? - OH, I'M SORRY.
EDEN, SAY HI TO SAMANTHA.
SAMANTHA, THIS IS EDEN, AND HER DATE, BRAD.
- NO, BRETT.
- BRETT, THAT'S RIGHT.
BRETT.
BRETT.
BRETT.
BRETT.
- SO, UH, NICE WEDDING, HUH? - YEAH, IT IS WHEN YOU'RE, UH, WITH THE RIGHT PERSON.
- YEAH.
I COMPLETELY AGREE.
OOH.
- WELL, THIS WOMAN HERE HAS GOT IT ALL, OKAY? - [coughs.]
- WELL, NOT AS MUCH AS THIS GUY.
[growls playfully.]
- OH, REALLY? - MM.
- OH.
- [sneezes.]
- OH! I'MA KEEP IT REAL WITH YOU, GIRL, THAT'S JUST NASTY.
- I KNOW.
I BETTER GO.
IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU, PHIL.
- "MEETING YOU"? SHE WASN'T EVEN YOUR DATE.
- HEY, EDEN, I BETTER GO, TOO.
I GOTTA GET BACK TO THE VALET STATION.
SORRY.
- VALET STATION? - YOU KNOW WHAT? I THOUGHT YOU WERE BRINGING A DATE, AND SO I PANICKED LAST MINUTE, AND I PULLED BRETT OUT OF A MOVING PRIUS.
- WHAT ARE WE DOING? - I DON'T KNOW.
WE'RE ACTING LIKE PEOPLE WHO ARE MORE THAN FRIENDS.
- AND WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT IT? - WELL, I-I-- WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT IT? - WELL, I'M WILLING TO GIVE IT A TRY IF YOU ARE.
- REALLY? - YEAH, REALLY.
- WELL, I'M UP FOR THAT.
- I WOULD LOVE TO KISS YOU RIGHT NOW.
- I WOULD LOVE TO BE KISSED RIGHT NOW.
- YEAH.
- BUT WE CANNOT.
- RIGHT.
RIGHT.
- NOT IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY.
- YEAH.
YEP.
WAIT FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT TO TELL HOLLY AND THE GUYS.
- YES.
- RIGHT.
- NEAT WEDDING, HUH? - GREAT WEDDING.
LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
- RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
- I ALMOST DIDN'T COME TODAY.
- BUT YOU THOUGHT THAT FATE MIGHT STEP IN AND YOU WOULD MEET A MAN-- MR.
GOOD ENOUGH.
- OH, YOU KNOW ME SO WELL.
I'VE GOT A CRAZY IDEA, HASKELL.
- I LIKE IT ALREADY.
- WHAT DO YOU SAY WE BLOW OFF THIS WEDDING, GO UPSTAIRS TO MY ROOM, AND, I DON'T KNOW, YOU MAKE MY LIFE PERFECT FOR ONE NIGHT? - YES.
YES, YES.
BUT FIRST, JUST ONE THING.
[shouts.]
- WHY DO I EVEN SHOW UP TO THESE THINGS? - LAUREN, HAVE YOU GOT A MINUTE? THERE'S SOMETHING I REALLY NEED TO TELL YOU.
- PAUL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE THE BRIDE BEFORE THE WEDDING.
- I'M SORRY.
I REALLY DIDN'T MEAN TO UPSET YOU.
- WELL, YOU DID.
AND NOW IT'S TOO LATE.
- OH, MY GOD.
I'M TOO LATE.
- WHO ARE YOU? - I'M PAUL'S EX-LOVER, HOLLY.
- I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T COMING.
- OH, WELL, YES, BUT THAT WOULD BE SELFISH, AND IT'S YOUR DAY, YOUR SPECIAL DAY.
SO LET ME PUT YOU AT EASE.
WHEN PAUL KISSED ME, IT MEANT NOTHING.
- YOU KISSED HER? - YOU DIDN'T TELL HER? - NOPE.
- OH.
LOOK, IT WASN'T PAUL'S FAULT.
I MEAN, HE CAME IN, SAW ME WEARING YOUR VEIL-- - WHY WERE YOU WEARING MY VEIL? - OH, LET'S NOT GET BOGGED DOWN IN DETAILS.
THE IMPORTANT THING IS, THIS WEDDING MUST GO ON, BECAUSE, PAUL, YOU AND I WILL NEVER BE.
- PAUL? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? - LAUREN, IT'S TRUE.
I DID KISS HOLLY.
- HE COULDN'T HELP HIMSELF.
- [shrieks.]
- AND I FELT NOTHING.
- NOTHING? - NOTHING.
- BUT YOU STILL KISSED ANOTHER WOMAN ON OUR WEDDING DAY.
- LAUREN, I'LL ADMIT THAT THERE WAS A TEENY, TINY PART OF ME THAT WAS WONDERING IF I STILL HAD ANY FEELINGS FOR HOLLY.
KISSING HER WAS LIKE KISSING MY 90-YEAR-OLD AUNT.
- OH, COME ON.
- AND NOW I'M MORE CERTAIN THAN EVER THAT YOU'RE THE ONE I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH.
- OH, PAUL.
- HOLLY - OH.
- THANK YOU.
THIS IS THE GREATEST GIFT YOU COULD HAVE GIVEN US-- THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU MEAN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO ME.
- IT WAS BETWEEN THAT AND A BREAD MAKER.
- COME ON, SWEETHEART.
LET'S GO GET MARRIED.
- THERE YOU GO.
[sighs heavily.]
- WHAT HAPPENED? - WELL, LET'S JUST SAY, STUART, THANKS TO ME, A MARRIAGE WAS SAVED.
THANK GOD I HELD BACK ON THAT KISS.
- HOLLY, DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT IF I EVER GET MARRIED AGAIN, I'D REALLY LIKE IT IF YOU STAYED HOME.
- HEY, STUART, TELL ME THE TRUTH.
DO YOU EVER THINK I'M GONNA MEET A GUY I LOVE ENOUGH TO MARRY? - YES, I DO.
THE TRICK WILL BE FINDING A GUY WHO DESERVES YOU.
- THANKS, STUART.
- OUT OF MY WAY! OUT OF MY WAY! MY SKIN IS ON FIRE! - WHAT'S GOING ON? OH, MY GOD.
- E-EDEN? PHIL? - HI, HI.
- LOOK WHO I BUMPED INTO.