The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s03e10 Episode Script
Asses to Ashes
I figured it out, Will.
I'm gonna get Dad what he always wanted.
What, a Pizza Hut in the garage? Better.
I'm going to clinch the election by getting an influential person to endorse him.
Watch and learn.
Hello, is President Bush there? Carlton.
Carlton Banks.
It's personal.
Carlton, are you by any chance an idiot? Not available? Perhaps you should let George know that as Alternate Assistant Treasurer to the Bel-Air Junior Republicans I'm in a position to scratch his back if he'll scratch mine, capische? Hello? - Hey, G, did you bring the mail in yet? - No.
I've been saving that genteel pleasure to calm myself lest I get too giddy from scrubbing the john.
You know, you really need a woman, G.
What's a woman? I'll get the mail.
- Geoffrey.
- Sir.
Daddy, now, you know how much I love you.
I would do anything for you, right? - All right, Hilary, how much do you want? - No, I'm talking about Well, $100.
But I was talking about the election.
Now, for me to vote for you in good conscience I need to know where you stand on the issues.
Okay, well, I'm against plea bargaining and I'm for y eah, but where do you stand on a woman's right to choose the restaurant? I think we should leave that up to the Supreme Court.
Well, I think you're being really unreasonable.
Well, tough.
I don't care if it is chaperoned.
You cannot go to Ensenada with Macaulay Culkin.
Hey, mail call! For you, Se/f magazine Shape magazine and Sassy magazine.
And for you, sir, E/f magazine Ape magazine and Sissy magazine.
And, for you, sir the bill for Se/f, the bill for Shape, and the bill for Sassy magazines.
- Uncle Phil, they're dogging you.
- What? Let me see that.
"Defeat Philip Banks, the criminal's choice for Superior Court Judge.
"Banks wants to empty the prisons, fill our streets with hoodlums "and run a bookmaking operation out of his chambers.
"Vote Robertson for Superior Court Judge.
" But Dad, aren't some of those lies? Carlton, honey, they're all lies.
How can they get away with that? 'Cause they know it's too late for me to sue for a retraction.
- Well, there's still time to fight back.
- I'm not gonna fight back.
What? If I sink to their level, I'm just as bad as they are.
- Uncle Phil, let me tell you a little story.
- Oh, no.
See, once upon a time there was this young boy that lived in Philly, right? And right next to him lived the prettiest little honey you ever seen in your life.
And he loved her with his whole heart and soul.
Amen, sister.
But see, on the other side of that girl lived this little, filthy McRotten dude and he wanted her just for her body, right? So one day, the two dudes was about to get it on, right? The girl came out and stopped them.
She said, "No, flip a coin and the winner can be my boyfriend," right? So the nasty dude snatch off into his pocket, right? Calls heads, flips the coin the nice guy lost the toss, and the girl, and it broke his heart.
- And do you know why he lost? - Why? Because the nasty dude cheated.
He had a two-headed coin.
The nice guy didn't get the girl.
So, this story is about you, isn't it, Will? That's right, Uncle Phil.
And to this day I just thank God I had my two-headed coin 'cause that girl was smoking, man.
- The poll results are in.
- Let's go see what And the race for Superior Court Judge is neck and neck.
Robertson and Banks are both po//ing 36%o.
At this point, anything cou/d tip the ba/ance.
More after this.
/f Banks gets into office, we won't have to hide anymore this city's ours! Un/ike my opponent, / don't think crime shou/d pay.
/ say, throw the bums in jai/.
Over the /ast 20 years, Judge Robertson has thrown over 6,000 bums in jai/.
Phi/ip Banks, none.
Crimina/s support Phi/ip Banks.
Shou/d you? Throw the bums in jai/.
Say, "Phi/ip Banks, no thanks," on E/ection Day.
Uncle Phil, you got to kick that man's butt.
He like begging, he like, "Philip Banks, kick my butt.
" - Philip Banks, kick the man's butt.
- Can't do it, Vivian.
I'm running an honest campaign.
Philip, that man is evil and senile.
Why not fight fire with fire? Because it goes against everything I stand for.
What's your point? I have made my decision.
I'm gonna base my campaign on the issues, not the dirt.
I have faith in L.
A.
That L.
A.
Will have faith in me.
With over 90%o of the districts reporting Judge Robertson has overwhe/ming/y defeated Phi/ip Banks.
I hate L.
A.
And there's the loser now! Let's listen in as he makes his concession speech.
Everyone, I want to thank you for your support.
We put up a good fight and well it was just an unfortunate set of circumstances that saw y ou don't have to shove, we got two exits! Mr.
Banks not in recent memory has someone managed to lose a race by such a large margin.
And so darn quickly.
How does it feel? Well, once when I was a kid I zipped my pants up too fast let's just say this brings back old memories.
On a brighter note, I see you've brought your lovely family with you including your daughter, KFPB weather personality, Hilary Banks.
Hilary, you have just seen your father suffer a humiliating defeat.
So tell me, are you free for dinner tonight? Look, my father just lost an election.
I mean, I'm not totally insensitive.
- How about tomorrow? - Great.
Well, from the Banks headquarters, this is Trevor Collins feeling pretty good.
Now, everybody, put on your best faces.
It's time to go give the victor his due.
Damn! Uncle Phil, I got your back.
Well, I got like half your back 'cause your back's like Want some candy, little girl? Come here.
Judge Robertson, to what do you attribute your reelection? To getting more votes than the other guy.
I mean, why did you get more votes, sir? Well, why didn't you say so, Connie? You see, all the credit goes to my campaign workers who brought me up when I was down.
Judge Robertson.
Well, who do we have here? - Carl - I thought I was Carl.
I just wanna congratulate you on a campaign well fought, sir.
Well, coming from you, Carl, that means a lot.
- I'm Philip.
- And I am the walrus.
Let's get the hell out of here.
That was fun.
There goes Philip Banks the biggest sap that ever lived.
What a stooge.
Excuse me? You heard me.
He's a sap, a dope, a loser.
He never had what it takes and he never will.
Isn't that right? I think you should take that back, man.
- You do? - Yeah, I do.
Well, I think you should run along and play.
And don't get involved in politics until you're a big boy.
At least my uncle stands for something.
Really? And what would that be? A buffet? My uncle fights for what he believes in.
Shame on me.
My uncle's three times the man you will ever be.
He's got my vote.
And another thing: Everything you said in your campaign was a lie.
You have no integrity, no decency, and you're really, really short.
And I'll tell you another thing, if you don't like it, man, you can drop dead.
Oh, my God, he's dead.
Come on, man, if I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? How are you doing, baby? I just feel so guilty, Aunt Viv.
Come on, now, you gotta stop blaming yourself, Will.
He wasn't a young man, he didn't take very good care of himself.
- Now, you heard what the doctor said.
- I know, Aunt Viv.
If I could just forget it, just clear my mind for one minute.
Well, Will, you really knocked them dead the other night, huh? Don't get him mad, Mom.
You don't want to make him raise his voice.
Carlton, take out the trash, honey.
I did it last week, it's the Terminator's turn.
Dan Quayle, please.
I'll hold.
Carlton, why are you calling Dan Quayle? Simple.
Thanks to the Grim Reaper over here and Judge Robertson taking the old dirt nap the governor has to appoint someone and the right endorsement could swing it to Dad.
Yeah, Carlton Banks.
That's B-A-N-K-S.
No E.
That was a joke, ma'am.
Hello? The phone's dead, Will.
Carlton, man, I am not a killer.
That's not funny.
Ashley, you know I'd never hurt you, right? I know.
Hilary, you know that I would never Hurt a fly.
We know.
Look, Will, you're taking this way too seriously.
I mean, it's not like you got a bad haircut.
Look, I think I know how to help Will.
This calls for tough love.
We've gotta draw him out.
We've gotta bait him, confront him attack him until he defends himself.
Only then will he start to feel better.
- I don't know, Carlton.
- Look, just follow my lead.
Will, you should be ashamed of yourself.
How could you do such a thing? Hope you never get mad at me.
Why are y'all screaming at me? I was minding my damn business eating some fruit.
Well, I could be wrong.
You won't believe this.
They want me to give the eulogy at Judge Robertson's funeral.
You're kidding.
Philip, you know, I really hate to speak ill of the dead but if that little man hadn't died I would have killed him myself.
- So, who's up for Chinese food? - I'd like some.
I'm gonna give the eulogy, Vivian.
- Philip, no.
- Dad, how could you say yes? I know Carl changed over the years but the man was my mentor.
And I'm going to that funeral.
And you're all going with me.
Philip, any chance of getting those flowers after the funeral? Sit down, Vivian.
I'd like to welcome you to the memorial for Carl Robertson.
Saying a few words on behalf of the departed will be Philip Banks.
- Vivian, where's my speech? - It's on the kitchen counter where I Sorry, Philip.
What can you say about Judge Carl Robertson? What indeed? He was a judge.
A judge named Carl.
But he was more.
So much more.
Carl He wasn't a very heavy man.
Look, I'm probably the wrong person to be up here.
I mean, I just got finished losing an election to the man in which he used every dirty trick in the book.
So, at this time I'd like to invite someone with an especially warm memory of Carl Robertson to come up here and share it with us.
Anyone with a somewhat fond memory of Carl Robertson.
Anybody with any recollection of him at all.
Yes.
The jerk sentenced me to six months in jail for a crime I didn't commit.
I'm just here to make sure he dead.
Thank you.
Yes.
He hired me to replant his garden.
And when it came time for him to pay me he called Immigration on me.
Gracias.
I knew Carl, biblically.
Please.
Sorry.
With him it was just a bunch of sex all the time, like dating Thumper.
Never felt I really got to know him never felt he cared about my needs.
- You were his wife? - His mistress.
Okay.
For 20 years.
Longest years of my life.
You don't have any pleasant memories at all of him? Well no.
The man's idea of sweet talk was: "When you gonna bring your sister around?" Well, thank you for sharing.
Hold up here a minute.
I'm sorry, Uncle Phil.
A man is dead here, people.
I mean, did he not feel pain when he was hurt? I mean, did he not shiver when he was cold? Did he not dream? I mean, he was only human, but yes, he was human.
And I fail to believe that the world can profit from a man's death.
And I think each and every one of you should be really ashamed of yourselves.
And who are you? I'm the dude that killed him.
- Tough room.
- Yeah.
Carlton, you're just wasting your time, man.
Ye of little faith.
I'm about to get the endorsement that will lock up Dad's appointment.
Hello, is Vanna there? Well, I think heaven is this wonderful place where all the people are good-Iooking nothing clashes, and you never have to wait for a table.
And hell is like the Valley.
What do you think, Daddy? I think we're all damn lucky Hilary has a job.
Thanks, Daddy.
Now, see, to me heaven has to be like a cross between a Sir Mix-A-Lot video and Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.
See, it's like I can have a leg in one hand and a breast in the other.
So what do you think, G? I think I must have been very bad in a previous life.
You know, I don't know why people are so down on funerals.
Banks residence.
- For you, sir.
- Thank you, Geoffrey.
Yes? Yes, Governor.
Yes, it was unfortunate.
Why, of course, sir, yes.
It's an honor, thank you, sir.
Yes.
Well, what was all that? The Governor just appointed me to Judge Robertson's seat! - Yes, you're the man! - Yes.
- This calls for champagne.
- Yeah.
Could I get it for you? Why are y'all screaming at me? I was minding my damn business eating some fruit.
You screamed at me.
Well, I could be wrong.
What in the he// did you just do with your /ips? A// right!
I'm gonna get Dad what he always wanted.
What, a Pizza Hut in the garage? Better.
I'm going to clinch the election by getting an influential person to endorse him.
Watch and learn.
Hello, is President Bush there? Carlton.
Carlton Banks.
It's personal.
Carlton, are you by any chance an idiot? Not available? Perhaps you should let George know that as Alternate Assistant Treasurer to the Bel-Air Junior Republicans I'm in a position to scratch his back if he'll scratch mine, capische? Hello? - Hey, G, did you bring the mail in yet? - No.
I've been saving that genteel pleasure to calm myself lest I get too giddy from scrubbing the john.
You know, you really need a woman, G.
What's a woman? I'll get the mail.
- Geoffrey.
- Sir.
Daddy, now, you know how much I love you.
I would do anything for you, right? - All right, Hilary, how much do you want? - No, I'm talking about Well, $100.
But I was talking about the election.
Now, for me to vote for you in good conscience I need to know where you stand on the issues.
Okay, well, I'm against plea bargaining and I'm for y eah, but where do you stand on a woman's right to choose the restaurant? I think we should leave that up to the Supreme Court.
Well, I think you're being really unreasonable.
Well, tough.
I don't care if it is chaperoned.
You cannot go to Ensenada with Macaulay Culkin.
Hey, mail call! For you, Se/f magazine Shape magazine and Sassy magazine.
And for you, sir, E/f magazine Ape magazine and Sissy magazine.
And, for you, sir the bill for Se/f, the bill for Shape, and the bill for Sassy magazines.
- Uncle Phil, they're dogging you.
- What? Let me see that.
"Defeat Philip Banks, the criminal's choice for Superior Court Judge.
"Banks wants to empty the prisons, fill our streets with hoodlums "and run a bookmaking operation out of his chambers.
"Vote Robertson for Superior Court Judge.
" But Dad, aren't some of those lies? Carlton, honey, they're all lies.
How can they get away with that? 'Cause they know it's too late for me to sue for a retraction.
- Well, there's still time to fight back.
- I'm not gonna fight back.
What? If I sink to their level, I'm just as bad as they are.
- Uncle Phil, let me tell you a little story.
- Oh, no.
See, once upon a time there was this young boy that lived in Philly, right? And right next to him lived the prettiest little honey you ever seen in your life.
And he loved her with his whole heart and soul.
Amen, sister.
But see, on the other side of that girl lived this little, filthy McRotten dude and he wanted her just for her body, right? So one day, the two dudes was about to get it on, right? The girl came out and stopped them.
She said, "No, flip a coin and the winner can be my boyfriend," right? So the nasty dude snatch off into his pocket, right? Calls heads, flips the coin the nice guy lost the toss, and the girl, and it broke his heart.
- And do you know why he lost? - Why? Because the nasty dude cheated.
He had a two-headed coin.
The nice guy didn't get the girl.
So, this story is about you, isn't it, Will? That's right, Uncle Phil.
And to this day I just thank God I had my two-headed coin 'cause that girl was smoking, man.
- The poll results are in.
- Let's go see what And the race for Superior Court Judge is neck and neck.
Robertson and Banks are both po//ing 36%o.
At this point, anything cou/d tip the ba/ance.
More after this.
/f Banks gets into office, we won't have to hide anymore this city's ours! Un/ike my opponent, / don't think crime shou/d pay.
/ say, throw the bums in jai/.
Over the /ast 20 years, Judge Robertson has thrown over 6,000 bums in jai/.
Phi/ip Banks, none.
Crimina/s support Phi/ip Banks.
Shou/d you? Throw the bums in jai/.
Say, "Phi/ip Banks, no thanks," on E/ection Day.
Uncle Phil, you got to kick that man's butt.
He like begging, he like, "Philip Banks, kick my butt.
" - Philip Banks, kick the man's butt.
- Can't do it, Vivian.
I'm running an honest campaign.
Philip, that man is evil and senile.
Why not fight fire with fire? Because it goes against everything I stand for.
What's your point? I have made my decision.
I'm gonna base my campaign on the issues, not the dirt.
I have faith in L.
A.
That L.
A.
Will have faith in me.
With over 90%o of the districts reporting Judge Robertson has overwhe/ming/y defeated Phi/ip Banks.
I hate L.
A.
And there's the loser now! Let's listen in as he makes his concession speech.
Everyone, I want to thank you for your support.
We put up a good fight and well it was just an unfortunate set of circumstances that saw y ou don't have to shove, we got two exits! Mr.
Banks not in recent memory has someone managed to lose a race by such a large margin.
And so darn quickly.
How does it feel? Well, once when I was a kid I zipped my pants up too fast let's just say this brings back old memories.
On a brighter note, I see you've brought your lovely family with you including your daughter, KFPB weather personality, Hilary Banks.
Hilary, you have just seen your father suffer a humiliating defeat.
So tell me, are you free for dinner tonight? Look, my father just lost an election.
I mean, I'm not totally insensitive.
- How about tomorrow? - Great.
Well, from the Banks headquarters, this is Trevor Collins feeling pretty good.
Now, everybody, put on your best faces.
It's time to go give the victor his due.
Damn! Uncle Phil, I got your back.
Well, I got like half your back 'cause your back's like Want some candy, little girl? Come here.
Judge Robertson, to what do you attribute your reelection? To getting more votes than the other guy.
I mean, why did you get more votes, sir? Well, why didn't you say so, Connie? You see, all the credit goes to my campaign workers who brought me up when I was down.
Judge Robertson.
Well, who do we have here? - Carl - I thought I was Carl.
I just wanna congratulate you on a campaign well fought, sir.
Well, coming from you, Carl, that means a lot.
- I'm Philip.
- And I am the walrus.
Let's get the hell out of here.
That was fun.
There goes Philip Banks the biggest sap that ever lived.
What a stooge.
Excuse me? You heard me.
He's a sap, a dope, a loser.
He never had what it takes and he never will.
Isn't that right? I think you should take that back, man.
- You do? - Yeah, I do.
Well, I think you should run along and play.
And don't get involved in politics until you're a big boy.
At least my uncle stands for something.
Really? And what would that be? A buffet? My uncle fights for what he believes in.
Shame on me.
My uncle's three times the man you will ever be.
He's got my vote.
And another thing: Everything you said in your campaign was a lie.
You have no integrity, no decency, and you're really, really short.
And I'll tell you another thing, if you don't like it, man, you can drop dead.
Oh, my God, he's dead.
Come on, man, if I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? How are you doing, baby? I just feel so guilty, Aunt Viv.
Come on, now, you gotta stop blaming yourself, Will.
He wasn't a young man, he didn't take very good care of himself.
- Now, you heard what the doctor said.
- I know, Aunt Viv.
If I could just forget it, just clear my mind for one minute.
Well, Will, you really knocked them dead the other night, huh? Don't get him mad, Mom.
You don't want to make him raise his voice.
Carlton, take out the trash, honey.
I did it last week, it's the Terminator's turn.
Dan Quayle, please.
I'll hold.
Carlton, why are you calling Dan Quayle? Simple.
Thanks to the Grim Reaper over here and Judge Robertson taking the old dirt nap the governor has to appoint someone and the right endorsement could swing it to Dad.
Yeah, Carlton Banks.
That's B-A-N-K-S.
No E.
That was a joke, ma'am.
Hello? The phone's dead, Will.
Carlton, man, I am not a killer.
That's not funny.
Ashley, you know I'd never hurt you, right? I know.
Hilary, you know that I would never Hurt a fly.
We know.
Look, Will, you're taking this way too seriously.
I mean, it's not like you got a bad haircut.
Look, I think I know how to help Will.
This calls for tough love.
We've gotta draw him out.
We've gotta bait him, confront him attack him until he defends himself.
Only then will he start to feel better.
- I don't know, Carlton.
- Look, just follow my lead.
Will, you should be ashamed of yourself.
How could you do such a thing? Hope you never get mad at me.
Why are y'all screaming at me? I was minding my damn business eating some fruit.
Well, I could be wrong.
You won't believe this.
They want me to give the eulogy at Judge Robertson's funeral.
You're kidding.
Philip, you know, I really hate to speak ill of the dead but if that little man hadn't died I would have killed him myself.
- So, who's up for Chinese food? - I'd like some.
I'm gonna give the eulogy, Vivian.
- Philip, no.
- Dad, how could you say yes? I know Carl changed over the years but the man was my mentor.
And I'm going to that funeral.
And you're all going with me.
Philip, any chance of getting those flowers after the funeral? Sit down, Vivian.
I'd like to welcome you to the memorial for Carl Robertson.
Saying a few words on behalf of the departed will be Philip Banks.
- Vivian, where's my speech? - It's on the kitchen counter where I Sorry, Philip.
What can you say about Judge Carl Robertson? What indeed? He was a judge.
A judge named Carl.
But he was more.
So much more.
Carl He wasn't a very heavy man.
Look, I'm probably the wrong person to be up here.
I mean, I just got finished losing an election to the man in which he used every dirty trick in the book.
So, at this time I'd like to invite someone with an especially warm memory of Carl Robertson to come up here and share it with us.
Anyone with a somewhat fond memory of Carl Robertson.
Anybody with any recollection of him at all.
Yes.
The jerk sentenced me to six months in jail for a crime I didn't commit.
I'm just here to make sure he dead.
Thank you.
Yes.
He hired me to replant his garden.
And when it came time for him to pay me he called Immigration on me.
Gracias.
I knew Carl, biblically.
Please.
Sorry.
With him it was just a bunch of sex all the time, like dating Thumper.
Never felt I really got to know him never felt he cared about my needs.
- You were his wife? - His mistress.
Okay.
For 20 years.
Longest years of my life.
You don't have any pleasant memories at all of him? Well no.
The man's idea of sweet talk was: "When you gonna bring your sister around?" Well, thank you for sharing.
Hold up here a minute.
I'm sorry, Uncle Phil.
A man is dead here, people.
I mean, did he not feel pain when he was hurt? I mean, did he not shiver when he was cold? Did he not dream? I mean, he was only human, but yes, he was human.
And I fail to believe that the world can profit from a man's death.
And I think each and every one of you should be really ashamed of yourselves.
And who are you? I'm the dude that killed him.
- Tough room.
- Yeah.
Carlton, you're just wasting your time, man.
Ye of little faith.
I'm about to get the endorsement that will lock up Dad's appointment.
Hello, is Vanna there? Well, I think heaven is this wonderful place where all the people are good-Iooking nothing clashes, and you never have to wait for a table.
And hell is like the Valley.
What do you think, Daddy? I think we're all damn lucky Hilary has a job.
Thanks, Daddy.
Now, see, to me heaven has to be like a cross between a Sir Mix-A-Lot video and Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.
See, it's like I can have a leg in one hand and a breast in the other.
So what do you think, G? I think I must have been very bad in a previous life.
You know, I don't know why people are so down on funerals.
Banks residence.
- For you, sir.
- Thank you, Geoffrey.
Yes? Yes, Governor.
Yes, it was unfortunate.
Why, of course, sir, yes.
It's an honor, thank you, sir.
Yes.
Well, what was all that? The Governor just appointed me to Judge Robertson's seat! - Yes, you're the man! - Yes.
- This calls for champagne.
- Yeah.
Could I get it for you? Why are y'all screaming at me? I was minding my damn business eating some fruit.
You screamed at me.
Well, I could be wrong.
What in the he// did you just do with your /ips? A// right!