The Great North (2021) s03e10 Episode Script

1
- Look up there ♪
- What do you see? ♪
Nature and stuff ♪
- Like a rock ♪
- And a tree ♪
Oh, the Great North ♪
Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪
Catch some fish ♪
Or gaze at a bear ♪
Wow ♪
Oh, the Great North ♪
Here we live, oh, oh ♪
Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
From longest night
to longest day ♪
In the Great North. ♪
[cheering]
Well, according to
the electronic mail blast
Mayor Peppers sent out this afternoon,
there's still no word
on that reindeer that
went missing from the
Lone Moose Santa's Village.
Probably a Gone Girl situation.
Kidnapped himself to teach
his husband to be nicer to him.
So, by my count,
there's an entire
Yule log cake
right here for each of us.
Should we skip the Lone Moose
town party and just dig in?
Honeybee, we would never miss
the white elephant gift exchange.
Last year I got a mouse pad
with a picture of Dory
from Finding Nemo that said
"Just Keep Scrolling" on it.
Oh, yeah, it's so fun to get,
but it's also fun to give.
This year
I wrapped up my leggings
with homemade calf implants
to give away.
Those are sure
to be a hot commod.
They're too heavy to stand in,
but sitting down?
Heads are a-turning, believe me.
I'm so glad you're
getting rid of those.
I swear to God
they come to life at night
and dance around.
[groans]
Now, I'm a little sad
to say goodbye
to my giant novelty pencil Tiffany.
But I can't keep both her
and my giant novelty
Montblanc pen Sturgis.
Yeah, it can be a challenge to
decide to let go of something.
And then other times
someone else can decide
for you that it's time
to let go of something.
And so, thus, out of nowhere
and for no reason at all,
I must ask you, Father,
whether you are thinking
of using this
gift exchange tonight
to again give away
something we all love.
- I feel like there's a story here.
- There's no story.
- Judy's just indulging in dramatics.
- How dare you?!
Okay, I would ask you to take
it down several notches, son.
- He will not!
- Absolutely never.
- Are you insane, sir?
- Oh, there's a story.
Allow me to paint a picture.
The Tobin household
used to be a place of warmth,
laughter, merriment and music.
All thanks to one
special little man.
An animatronic toy
we Tobin children
received from our dear papa
Skanky.
A little bit of
Christmas in my life ♪
A little bit of Christmas
by my side ♪
WOLF: Everyone loved Skanky.
Everyone except the very man
who had given him to us.
[delighted laughter]
Skanky was
our Christmas companion.
A little bit of Christmas
is what I see ♪
JUDY: He looked so handsome
in our family photos.
WOLF: A total stud.
For those years
that we owned Skanky,
as a family, I can confidently
say we'd never been happier.
But then, a few Christmases
ago, everything changed.
A grinch, the very same
grinch who had gifted us
our beloved bouncing baby boy,
ripped Skanky from our hands
and callously gave him away
at the gift exchange.
- [all gasp]
- Why, Father, why?!
BEEF: That's right.
And I'd do it again.
We tried to get Skanky back from Londra,
but we'd already used up our turns,
and according
to the sacred rules
of the white elephant,
he was gone forever.
And we searched the whole
Internet thousands of times,
but there were no Skankys
to buy anywhere.
He was recalled due to a couple
of very mild house fires.
Wait, you gave away
a toy the kids loved, Beef?
That doesn't sound like you.
Normally you'd give the kids
the shirt off your back.
I mean, I've literally seen you
do that dozens of times
when Wolf has forgotten
to get dressed.
I know it makes no sense
to you, Honeybee,
but you never saw
that abomination
that I innocently gifted
to my children.
I knew no peace when that
thing gyrated amongst us.
- So I did what I had to do.
- And now here we sit,
with no Skank in our tank,
year after year.
I sure hope Londra appreciates
that gorgeous green angel.
All right, well, that was
a fun trip down memory lane.
- Let's get ready to go.
- Psst.
Hey, Ham, Judy, I need
your help with, uh
wrapping something outside.
Can you meet me near
the old outhouse?
Ooh, yeah, I love to wrap gifts
with the wind in my hair.
All right, you know the,
uh, reindeer that went missing?
I, uh, may have some important
evidence about where he is.
- Dish, girl.
- When did you start talking like that?
Just now. I didn't like it.
But, you know, dish, girl.
Okay, I can't stop.
For real. Dish. God.
Okay, so, I always go
to the Santa's Village.
Even though it's rundown
and one year I got fleas
from an elf there, I like
to tell Santa what I want.
I know it's not really him,
but he's an official surrogate,
and it can't hurt to put in
a little face time
if you want the good stuff.
But on my way out,
I noticed something alarming.
Unlike other years,
the reindeer weren't
poorly painted plywood.
They were using a real one.
Turning a majestic beast
into a clown? I don't think so.
Get. You can't follow me.
I said "get."
Don't you dare make me
fall in love with you.
Damn you.
So, what you're telling us
is that you're gonna
open this door
and we're gonna see a reindeer?
Moon, as your older sister,
I must say that is not okay.
That reindeer needs
to go back now. And
I love this reindeer
and I am his mother now
and we are keeping him forever.
His name was Rudolph.
Humiliating.
I renamed him Wilhelm after
Georg Wilhelm Steller,
the pioneer naturalist duh.
Aww.
Wilhelm, you lovable scamp.
- [snarls]
- Ouch.
Uh-uh, don't get close
to his food.
He eats a lot.
They must have been starving
him because it's nonstop.
- Should we maybe tell Dad?
- Ham, no.
The reindeer chose me
and I know Dad.
He's gonna make me bring Wilhelm
back to that awful place
because it's
"the right thing to do." Yuck.
Well, it is very magical to
have a secret reindeer
in your outhouse at Christmastime.
Then it's settled.
We're keeping him forever.
Okay, he has plenty of food
to last him while we're gone.
Be good, Wilhelm. Your mother,
Judy me loves you forever.
[rustling]
MOON: Uh, uh-oh.
Wilhelm already ate all the food
- and now he's eating the toilet.
- Kids, let's go!
Uh, Dad, we're not done
wrapping our gifts yet,
and they're very, uh, fragrant.
They in fact stink and we don't
want the house to stink so
Anyway, we'll take the van
and meet you there.
You guys go in
Honeybee's convertible.
Okay, see you there. Good
luck with your smelly gifts.
As I see it, the only solution
is to bring Wilhelm with us.
You know, we'll just put him
in the van
and then we'll store him
in the supply shed at the VFW
and we'll just keep
feeding him all night
since there will be
tons of food there.
I hope he likes deviled eggs
and green bean casserole.
I've seen him eat poop,
so we're probably good.
MAYOR PEPPERS:
Hey, Honeybee.
- Try some akutaq?
- Now, we don't have this in Fresno.
What's going on in here?
Hit me with the ingredients.
- Sugar.
- Great start.
- Crisco.
- All right.
- White fish.
- Now you got me.
- And blueberries.
- Okay, let's go.
All right. Let's put out
everything we brought
and then I'll restock using
stuff from the potlatch table.
Yeah, and if he gets bored,
I can show him some
Madam Secretary on my phone.
Welcome to Lone Moose's annual
white elephant gift exchange.
First order of business,
we're still looking
for the missing reindeer
from Santa's Village,
so if you see some reindeer,
say some reindeer.
Now, here's the rules.
I draw a name.
You can either open a gift
or steal an already unwrapped
gift from someone else.
And once a gift is stolen
three times, it's out of play.
- No trading after the game.
- And no cheating.
I'm talking to you,
white people.
You heard him.
Okay, now let's have some fun.
Oh, great, a giant pencil.
Every kid's dream.
Now I just need
some giant homework.
Up next is Ham Tobin.
[cheering, whooping]
Hmm. What to choose?
If it don't make a jangle,
it ain't my thangle!
A book?
Uh, no, thanks.
Ten seconds.
Wait, it-it can't be.
It's Skanky?
- [cheering]
- What? No!
One, two,
three, four, five ♪
Everybody loves a skank ♪
- at Christmas time ♪
- Skanky!
No, no. Londra, how could
you regift Skanky?
You won him fair and square
and you have to
suffer the consequences.
Sorry, Beef, Dusty loves
Skanky but I hate him.
I even have a reoccurring dream
where she leaves me for him.
I can't move my hips like that.
- What part are the hips?
- I don't know, Delmer.
Dusty flew to Ketchikan tonight
to see her brother
so I betrayed her
and brought Skanky here
- and now I'm free. Free!
- Great decision, Londra.
Brothers and Honeybee, a word?
This is a huge development for us.
We were just saying
we wanted Skanky back
and this is
clearly a Christmas miracle.
But he's not safe yet, okay?
He can still be stolen
up to three times.
- We need a plan.
- How about I just bite anyone
who tries to take Skanky?
- Great plan.
- Terrible plan.
[all yell] How did you
get in the huddle, Dad?
Stealth and cunning.
And that's how I'll get rid
of Skanky once and for all.
Ugh, you know what, Dad?
I hate all this tension.
Let me give you a hug.
Oh. Sure, son.
I'll always take a hug.
[whispering]
I will take you down tonight.
I don't care who you are.
Tobins, listen, I respect your
intergenerational feud,
but if it's okay with you guys,
I'm gonna pick the next name.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Quinn.
- Moon.
I trust you're enjoying
a pleasant evening.
Yes, I am. Our family heirloom,
Skanky the Christmas tree,
has been returned
to our loving arms.
Hmm. Congratulations.
I'm sorry, but is that
reindeer fur on your coat?
Mm. That depends on how good
you are at keeping secrets.
Uh, extremely.
Plus, I know it's reindeer fur.
Ms. Hill is letting me do
an independent course
in Santa Studies for extra credit,
but I'd do it for free.
If you've been commingling
with a reindeer,
I'd love to take a look.
I suppose that
could be arranged.
Grab those fully loaded
potato skins and follow me.
And if anyone asks
where you're going,
just laugh and say,
"I know, right?"
Jerry, you're up.
[cheering, whooping]
Well, you know I love
a gift certificate,
so I've been eyeing
this little envelope all night.
I knew it. Ooh, and it's to
the Cheesecake Factory.
No, not to
the Cheesecake Factory.
Oh, it's to
Cheesecake's Factory.
Yep. You can take
any bong you want
out of my collection
of tens of handmade bongs.
Including my respectful
memorial Ruth Bader Gingsbong.
Adorable antlers,
hardy hooves, soulful eyes.
Cute Christmas collar.
- Hmm, this one's a keeper.
- MOON: Wow, he loves you.
- She.
- Huh?
- She loves me.
- But he has antlers.
Moon. Moon, Moon,
Moon, Moon, Moon, Moon.
There are certain circumstances
under which
female reindeer keep their antlers.
- We're gonna need some help.
- Why?
I assume you know where
babies come from.
I mean, I wish I didn't,
but yeah, I do.
Huh. Well, they're about
to come from this reindeer.
- [Wilhelm moaning]
- Oh, gotcha!
I think I know someone
who can help.
LONDRA: Oh, wow.
A copy of Matthew McConaughey's
vampire novel,
I'll Bite, I'll Bite, I'll Bite.
Mm. It's just okay.
A lot of plot holes.
What fun.
And now we have Vera.
Vera, will you steal or unwrap?
I'll take the sexual tree.
- No!
- What in the candy cane?
Vera, I never imagined myself
saying this, but thank you.
I'm not doing this for you.
This fella reminds me
of my dead husband who also
had a globular midsection
and, frankly, I find Skanky
erotically interesting.
- Guys, what's the play here?
- What if I hit Vera in the head?
I'm not saying no,
but we don't need to panic yet.
There's still two steals left.
We got this, guys.
Whichever of us
goes next steals Skanky,
and then whoever's last
steals him again.
- Taking him out of play. Yeah, right, perfect.
- God, I'm good.
I should do an Ocean's Eleven
maybe a Twelve.
And we've got
Honeybee Shaw-Tobin.
- Oh, no.
- Yes, that's our first steal.
It's all coming together.
You hear that, Skanky?
You're coming home, my boy.
Oh, uh, sorry, my Christmas
cutie, you must be confused.
Skanky's over there, with Vera.
Hmm.
This one feels interesting.
What are you doing?
What is she doing?
Christmas cutie?
Uh, holiday hottie?
Yuletide bride?
My passionate poinsettia?
- W-What's happening?
- Maybe she can't hear us.
The acoustics in here
are not ideal.
Honeybee, look at me!
Look at me, damn it!
- Ten seconds.
- All right, this one looks fine.
Honeybee, what in the manger?
I am so sorry, babe, but, um
I don't like Skanky!
- [all gasping]
- Okay?
That thing is just gross.
I can't.
Honeybee, you holiday hero.
12 dangs of Christmas!
Little bummer boy!
Jingle balls! Doo-doo got
run over by a frang dang!
[yells] Are you kidding me?!
Honeybee,
my mistletoe mistress, why?
I mean, I thought
I could count on you.
I-I thought I knew you.
How could you keep me away
from the one thing
I love more than anything else
in the world?
The thing you love most
in the world? More than me?
- Of course not. It's a tie.
- Oh, my God.
You guys are completely off
the rails. Look at Skanky.
What are those giant ornaments
even supposed to be?
Boobs? A butt?
Wait, are they testicles?
They're very clearly a butt.
I think. Wait.
With that placement?
Sorry, babe, it's a skanks
but no skanks for me on Skanky.
O-kay, it's a signed picture of
Countess Luann from The Real
Housewives of New York?
We're in a Twitter thing,
so I don't want it anymore.
And we've got
Santa-iago Carpaccio,
who is dressed as the devil
for some reason?
I accidentally ordered a Satan
suit instead of a Santa suit,
- but I'm embracing it.
- You want to open or steal?
I'm sorry, child Tobins,
but I need a gift
to send to my favorite cousin
in Italy, Bobby Lasagna.
He loves music,
so I will steal that tree.
Have fun in Italy, Skanky!
Oh, no, this is bad.
This is very, very bad.
Vera we can simply kill, but
how are we gonna get to Italy?
Oh, I'm gonna go
rage-eat some dip!
Judy, I need to see you outside.
There's a serious medical
situation with Wilhelm.
Oh, God, Wilhelm.
I completely forgot about
our secret Christmas reindeer
because of our public
twerking Christmas tree.
Well, get your act together
and come with me
because I'm about to show you
something you'll never forget.
- Let's go.
- Okay, there's only one steal left.
If one of our names
isn't pulled soon,
we'll lose our
beloved Skanky forever.
- No more Mr. Nice Wolf.
- [knuckles cracking]
Whoa, what are you gonna do?
Oh, nothing, I just had
to crack these knucks.
They're stiffer than a skeleton's
dong-a-long-a-ding-bong.
Judy Tobin.
Yes! She can steal.
She can steal.
- Judy, go get our man.
- Judy? Uh Judy?
Where in the
H-E-double-L's is that girl?
Oh! I don't know.
She's not in a shed.
With an animal. That's for sure.
Last call for Judy Tobin.
She's not here.
Let's move it along.
Welp, back to
the name barrel she goes.
No!
Okay, I can do this.
I'm a big fan of
the show Savor This Labor,
about L.A.'s best-dressed doula.
Um, okay
First things first, does she
have a written birth plan?
Uh, and does anyone
have a mixtape
of her favorite songs
for when it's time to push?
- Next up is Beef Tobin.
- Welp, that's the one person we
know isn't gonna take Skanky.
Well, well, well.
Isn't this interesting?
What to do?
I could open a gift.
And, yet, if I did open
a present, I would be haunted
knowing that Skanky
is still out there in the world,
skanking up my favorite holiday.
We need to make
a rule about speeches.
- Put up or shut up, fish boy.
- Delmer, geez.
Don't ring the Del-bell if you
can't handle the noise, Peppers!
- All right, Beef, what'll it be?
- I choose
- to steal!
- Bobby Lasagna!
Dad, where are you going?
To put Skanky at the
bottom of the river!
Do not throw that
beautiful man in the river!
If you do this, Dad,
I'll never forgive you!
I mean, I probably will, someday,
but n-not right away.
So, just, you know, take that in
and then decide
what you want to do.
Run, Beef, run!
Make him skank with the fishes!
Well, it wouldn't be
a Lone Moose white elephant
if someone didn't run screaming
towards the river at some point.
Next up,
Archie the Wife Whittler.
- Will you steal or open?
- Um, I wonder what this could be.
- Get back here, Dad!
- [screaming]
- Judy?
- Moon?
Rudolph?
- No, we renamed him.
- Her.
Right. Right, right, right.
- [moaning]
- You have a reindeer?
Uh, yeah. And we're about
to have several.
So, that's the missing reindeer.
And the town is getting
a new reindeer baby.
Oh, hell yeah.
This is better than
when we got a Macaroni Grill.
[moose groaning] I hope your dad
gets back with the vet soon.
I mean, I've watched thousands
of reindeer birthing videos
but it's different dealing
with the real thing.
Which is something they
always say in the videos.
I found the vet,
I found Dr. French.
I was hucking snowballs
at cars on the side of the road.
Helps me blow off steam.
Now, where is the reindeer?
Is it you?
- Uh
- Ha. Just kidding.
Guys, I know what
reindeers look like.
I assume this is the missing gal
from Lone Moose's
nasty Santa display?
- Yup. She followed me out of her pen.
- Makes sense.
She was looking for somewhere
private to let 'em loose.
Holy hot dogs, this reindeer
is about to give birth
and is whoo fully dilated.
Just as I suspected based on
the timing of her contractions.
You a veterinarian too, only tiny?
Are we dealing with
a Doogie-type situation here?
I'm more of a Santa-ologist but
I can scrub in, if you need me.
All right, I'm gonna need
someone to put a blanket down here
because we're all about
to have some babies together.
Ah! Oh, my God,
they're half human!
Just kidding. Sorry, guys,
I'm just a lot of fun.
- Here it comes. Aww.
- It's a miracle.
A miracle that smells
very, very bad.
Skanky, meet the reindeer.
Reindeer, meet the Skanky.
Aww, look at how she licks
her babies to get them walking.
Reminds me of when Mom
used to throw wet sponges
at us when she wanted
us to leave the house.
So adorable.
Mayor Peppers, I hope
I didn't ruin the party.
No, no, no, Moon.
Birthing a reindeer together
during a Christmas party
is what this town is all about.
I'm [sniffles]
Well, I'm a little
- Oh, gosh. Let it out, Peps.
- Let it all out.
Dad, you're not really
gonna throw Skanky
- in the river, are you?
- Of course not.
I'm going to wade in
and then hold him under.
- Dad!
- Sorry, sorry.
I just really hate Skanky.
Not just because
it's an abomination
with chesticles
or a high front butt,
or because it has
the voice of a drunk demon,
- it's so much more.
- All right, spill it, Beef.
Why do you hate Skanky so much?
[sighs]
It's a very personal story,
so I guess I'll just say it here
in front of the entire town.
It was my first Christmas
as a single dad
and I was low on cash,
so I made what, in hindsight,
was a very stupid decision.
I spent a lot of money
to rent a crab boat,
and took a gamble on crab season
thinking I might strike it rich.
Not only was I not successful,
I sank the rented boat.
Disaster.
When the holidays came,
I was hard-pressed for cash.
And I mean pressed.
All December, I'd stay up
late at night,
trying to figure out
how to buy you guys
even a single cheap thing each.
In the end, I took
my very small amount
to the "97 cents" section
at the pharmacy downtown
and just went nuts
buying random items,
including Skanky.
So, whenever I see that thing,
it reminds me of the year
I really blew it,
and I'm filled
with Christmas shame.
Dad, are you talking about
Wacky Christmas?
Yeah, also known as Wackmas.
We loved that
weird-ass Christmas!
Remember the reams of copy paper?
I played so many rounds of
"small publishing house
trying to publish an unknown
female poet's chapbook."
Oh, it was very fun for me.
Oh, and I loved that
huge tube of toothpaste.
I was so mad my teeth weren't
more gigantic. I'm still mad.
So, that year's Christmas really
wasn't the depths of misery?
- No way!
- Well, I'm glad to hear it.
Beef, it sounds like you
don't need to be ashamed
of Skanky because
of that failed Christmas.
The kids clearly loved it.
So, you can just be
ashamed of Skanky
because he's absolutely awful.
Indeed.
But I do promise you guys
I didn't just get you
a bunch of copy paper this year.
Well, I don't need anything.
I've got five new reindeer pets.
Moon, no one's mad at you
for hiding the reindeer.
That sham Santa setup
downtown is a disaster.
I mean, one of the angels
stole my wallet. But we
and I feel like I should not
actually have to say this
- are not keeping five reindeer.
- [sighs] Okay.
They could go to the wild animal
sanctuary in Death Cliff.
It's so nice, I'd move in.
- Really?
- No. Come on.
I'm a doctor
of veterinary medicine.
I live in a wonderful two
bedroom, one bath downtown.
Crown molding,
updated appliances.
Honestly, it would blow your minds.
Hark the herald angels sing ♪
Glory to the newborn Skank ♪
Huh, that's weird. Never
heard Skanky sing this one.
[gasps] It's an actual
Christmas miracle.
Or a Skanky software glitch.
But I prefer the former.
Wow, huh, the reindeer
really love Skanky.
Yeah, they seem to
have attached to him.
It's a thing. Kind of like me
and my domesticated weasel.
- I am obsessed with him.
- Maybe the reindeer
will feel better if Skanky
goes with them to the sanctuary.
Aww. It'll be a Skank-tuary.
Yeah, then we can visit them
all together.
- We all will.
- Not me.
- Skanky can rot.
- And now back to the party.
Let's light this
freakin' candle already.
[cheering, whooping]
HONEYBEE:
Aw, a giant eraser.
I love it.
Now I just got to get
my giant pencil back from Henry.
That's not all.
Look what else is in the box.
Babe, you didn't.
Tickets to see
Mrs. Doubtfire On Ice?
[as Mrs. Doubtfire] Hello!
[as Mrs. Doubtfire]
It was a skate-by fruiting.
Dad, this one's from all of us.
Ugh, I have a very bad feeling
this might be Skanky.
No way. We know
you hated Skanky, Dad.
- We accept it.
- I swear it's not him.
And you know I don't
throw promises around
all loosey-goosey like
the rest of these psychopaths.
- Ah! Oh, dear God.
- [laughter]
- JUDY: There it is.
- Welcome to the family,
- Sleazy the Nasty Snowman.
- Oh, hell no.
One, two,
a-one, two, threeze ♪
Everybody in the car,
so come on, let's sleaze ♪
This is truly my nightmare.
[low voice] When everyone is asleep,
you're going right into the fire.
A little bit of Sleazy in my life ♪
Ho ho ho, mother-jinglers!
If you're lookin' for
a wintertime freak ♪
Well, then we're two
naughty boys you got to meet ♪
If you leave us unattended,
we might burn down your home ♪
Take a peep in your stocking,
steal your Toblerone ♪
Gonna open all your presents,
undecorate that tree ♪
Throw your granny's fruitcake
out onto the street ♪
'Cause we're the bad boys of Christmas,
we don't give a damn ♪
The bad boys of Christmas,
eat your holiday ham ♪
Gonna eat up those cookies
you left for Santy Claus ♪
That clown don't deserve 'em,
they belong in our paws ♪
Go straight bananas,
steal your Christmas pajamas ♪
If you can't handle us,
then go cry to your mama ♪
'Cause we're the bad boys of Christmas,
we don't give a damn ♪
Bad boys of Christmas
eat your holiday ham ♪
BBOC, out. ♪