The Guild (2007) s03e10 Episode Script
The Return!
It's official, I broke the Knights of Good.
Clara and Tink quit, stupid Vork went AWOL, Bladezz is going on the run, somehow, and, um, Zaboo digitally waterboarded someone.
It's over.
What am I gonna do? I don't wanna have to meet new people! New people means awkwardness, and flailing around for common topics, an invitation to coffee, even though both of you know you're never gonna follow through, ever.
Why did this have to happen? I liked the people I had before! Hello? Anybody? Codex.
Ah! Vork! You made me Guild Leader, and I ruined everything, you jerk! I understand your hostility more than you can imagine.
In the past few days I've made discoveries about myself, Codex.
More precisely, $13.
00 worth of gas in discoveries.
What did you discover, dare I ask? People don't like me.
I elicit repugnance and resentment in humans from all walks of life.
I believe one person compared talking with me to, quote: "Shaving my privates with a dull, rusted cheese grater.
" End quote.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't be.
I now know why I am, in fact, a great leader.
- Because people hate you? - Bingo.
I can wield that unification like a glove.
Act as a benevolent overlord, so to speak.
Henceforth, I have ended my journey, and I've arrived to take back Guild Leader.
Yes! Well, it's a little late.
The Anarchists are meeting today.
They're having a LAN party, and they're gonna plan how to destroy all of us out of game! There's no reason to put us back together because they'll just break us again! Then we settle this the Napoleonic way: Two armies face to face.
The guerilla warfare must stop.
We will not be defeated.
Evil must be toppled! We have the power! This is a techno song, right? Marshall your weapons! Let's rally the troops! Okay, I'll just clean that up later.
Dudes, I can't help you.
I can't be trusted.
The impish and adorable Zaboo you knew is no longer.
Loop-dee-loop! What are you playing? Is that "Sir Loop-A-Lot"? That game is for four-year-olds.
I thought it would cleanse my soul.
There are so many pastels and penguins.
It makes my inner demons wanna make those happy animals die! Die, die, die, die, die! Zaboo, stop wallowing.
The Guild needs you.
Lies! The Guild doesn't need a broken warlock.
You're not broken! Riley did this to you! I told you she was no good for you! Love.
Riley's the only woman that ever loved me back.
We're like cloven, or whatever.
You didn't want me, so stop trying to break us up! I am not trying to break you up! That is just ridiculous! - Happy time! - Shove it, Loop-A-Lot! - Absolutely maddening! - That is so annoying! Zaboo, if you choose not to accompany us, then we must move on without you.
And you'll be dead to me as a human being.
And were I in a situation where I would have to choose between saving you or a dog who I have never met before from drowning, then I would do my best to drown you myself in order to save the strange, unfamiliar dog, who I would not even care to keep after rescuing, but would, afterwards, place in a non-abusive foster home.
Good day.
Aww.
All right, all right! I'll help you, okay? Just remember that Zaboo is no longer.
I'm half the player I used to be.
So just call me "Zab" or "Boo".
Yeah, that's cool.
Just call me "Boo".
- Just come on.
- No.
Toodle-loo! Honey, you okay? I love spending time with my family.
This is so much better than gaming.
Okay, guys.
Let's go make mommy a snack.
Come on.
To the kitchen! I love snacking with my family.
This is so much better than gaming.
What are you guys doing here? Go away before Wiggly sees you! Clara, you're a dog.
Like, a drowning dog.
I'm gonna drown you.
I'm gonna kill you, and you're gonna learn to - How does this go? - What? Clara, I've taken over the Guild Leadership again.
The Knights of Good is my intellectual property.
I've trademarked the logo, and I hope to turn it into a legitimate business someday.
Possibly a delicious breakfast cereal.
- Oh, marshmallow Zaboos! - Cool, can I be cinnamon flavored? That has nothing to do with anything.
Clara, we need you.
We're going to Charlie's internet cafe, and we're gonna confront the Axis of Anarchy.
- We're gonna save the Guild! - I can't go! I've hung up my mage robe.
I'm a housewife now.
You know, for my marriage and stuff.
I absolutely totally can't go.
- But, Clara.
- Okay! Gaby! Go hide, and when daddy gets really worried and comes and finds you, give him this.
You know, I made the effort to resist.
That's all that counts, right? - Nice outfit.
- Yeah, nice outfit, man! I was about to go undercover at a polo club in Argentina! It's an old internet buddy.
Blunderbuss.
What? Oh, you know.
In-game gun, low level.
Hunter weapon, looks like a shotgun.
Shotgun'd! Give up the seat.
I called it.
- He did.
- Fine!
Clara and Tink quit, stupid Vork went AWOL, Bladezz is going on the run, somehow, and, um, Zaboo digitally waterboarded someone.
It's over.
What am I gonna do? I don't wanna have to meet new people! New people means awkwardness, and flailing around for common topics, an invitation to coffee, even though both of you know you're never gonna follow through, ever.
Why did this have to happen? I liked the people I had before! Hello? Anybody? Codex.
Ah! Vork! You made me Guild Leader, and I ruined everything, you jerk! I understand your hostility more than you can imagine.
In the past few days I've made discoveries about myself, Codex.
More precisely, $13.
00 worth of gas in discoveries.
What did you discover, dare I ask? People don't like me.
I elicit repugnance and resentment in humans from all walks of life.
I believe one person compared talking with me to, quote: "Shaving my privates with a dull, rusted cheese grater.
" End quote.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't be.
I now know why I am, in fact, a great leader.
- Because people hate you? - Bingo.
I can wield that unification like a glove.
Act as a benevolent overlord, so to speak.
Henceforth, I have ended my journey, and I've arrived to take back Guild Leader.
Yes! Well, it's a little late.
The Anarchists are meeting today.
They're having a LAN party, and they're gonna plan how to destroy all of us out of game! There's no reason to put us back together because they'll just break us again! Then we settle this the Napoleonic way: Two armies face to face.
The guerilla warfare must stop.
We will not be defeated.
Evil must be toppled! We have the power! This is a techno song, right? Marshall your weapons! Let's rally the troops! Okay, I'll just clean that up later.
Dudes, I can't help you.
I can't be trusted.
The impish and adorable Zaboo you knew is no longer.
Loop-dee-loop! What are you playing? Is that "Sir Loop-A-Lot"? That game is for four-year-olds.
I thought it would cleanse my soul.
There are so many pastels and penguins.
It makes my inner demons wanna make those happy animals die! Die, die, die, die, die! Zaboo, stop wallowing.
The Guild needs you.
Lies! The Guild doesn't need a broken warlock.
You're not broken! Riley did this to you! I told you she was no good for you! Love.
Riley's the only woman that ever loved me back.
We're like cloven, or whatever.
You didn't want me, so stop trying to break us up! I am not trying to break you up! That is just ridiculous! - Happy time! - Shove it, Loop-A-Lot! - Absolutely maddening! - That is so annoying! Zaboo, if you choose not to accompany us, then we must move on without you.
And you'll be dead to me as a human being.
And were I in a situation where I would have to choose between saving you or a dog who I have never met before from drowning, then I would do my best to drown you myself in order to save the strange, unfamiliar dog, who I would not even care to keep after rescuing, but would, afterwards, place in a non-abusive foster home.
Good day.
Aww.
All right, all right! I'll help you, okay? Just remember that Zaboo is no longer.
I'm half the player I used to be.
So just call me "Zab" or "Boo".
Yeah, that's cool.
Just call me "Boo".
- Just come on.
- No.
Toodle-loo! Honey, you okay? I love spending time with my family.
This is so much better than gaming.
Okay, guys.
Let's go make mommy a snack.
Come on.
To the kitchen! I love snacking with my family.
This is so much better than gaming.
What are you guys doing here? Go away before Wiggly sees you! Clara, you're a dog.
Like, a drowning dog.
I'm gonna drown you.
I'm gonna kill you, and you're gonna learn to - How does this go? - What? Clara, I've taken over the Guild Leadership again.
The Knights of Good is my intellectual property.
I've trademarked the logo, and I hope to turn it into a legitimate business someday.
Possibly a delicious breakfast cereal.
- Oh, marshmallow Zaboos! - Cool, can I be cinnamon flavored? That has nothing to do with anything.
Clara, we need you.
We're going to Charlie's internet cafe, and we're gonna confront the Axis of Anarchy.
- We're gonna save the Guild! - I can't go! I've hung up my mage robe.
I'm a housewife now.
You know, for my marriage and stuff.
I absolutely totally can't go.
- But, Clara.
- Okay! Gaby! Go hide, and when daddy gets really worried and comes and finds you, give him this.
You know, I made the effort to resist.
That's all that counts, right? - Nice outfit.
- Yeah, nice outfit, man! I was about to go undercover at a polo club in Argentina! It's an old internet buddy.
Blunderbuss.
What? Oh, you know.
In-game gun, low level.
Hunter weapon, looks like a shotgun.
Shotgun'd! Give up the seat.
I called it.
- He did.
- Fine!