The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s03e10 Episode Script

Now you're looking at a man that's getting kinda mad I had lots of luck but it's all been bad no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive my fishing pole's broke, the creek is full of sand my woman ran away with another man no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.
Okay.
Uh, everyone, let's lower the music for a minute.
I-- I wanna say a few words - about my dear friend Amy.
- All: Oh.
As a lot of you know here, I lost my real sister at a very early age, but Amy has always helped me fill that void with her support and friendship.
( Chokes ) I just love her so much and I want her to know-- - ( loud clang ) - Aw, fuck me! - Julie: Wh-what? - Oh, I'm sorry.
Continue.
- Are you okay? - I-I was reaching for the lasagna tray.
- I burned myself.
- You're reaching for lasagna in the middle of my speech to your girlfriend? I can listen to you and-- and reach for lasagna at the same time.
- Okay.
Well, what was I saying? - What were you saying? - Uh-huh.
What was I saying? - Talking about how y-your-- - Your mom died.
- Mm-hmm.
That's wrong.
Your dad died or your dad was killed.
Oh my God.
Amy, I just wanted to say Happy Birthday and I love you like a sister and every night I get on my knees and I look up to the heavens and pray to God that you find some other man other than Tim.
- Cheers! - All: Cheers! That's one of the worst toasts I've ever heard.
- ( Sighs ) - I'm not in the wrong, am I? No.
You needed to eat lasagna when the opportunity struck and it struck.
Hey, guys, I saw what happened over there and I rushed here to the scene.
- I'm so glad I'm here.
I'm a doctor.
- Oh, you wanna take a look? Well, in my professional opinion, you definitely wanna get an ice pack on that.
'cause this guy could maybe prescribe you some Vicodin.
- Oh, actually I can't.
- Some drugs? - Some drugs? - I can't do that.
I don't write prescriptions.
I'm a chiropractor, so I can't write prescriptions.
- Oh, you said you were a doctor.
- I am a doctor.
- I'm a doctor of chiropractic.
- Stu: Mmm.
- Eh.
- I'm confused here.
Do you not think that I'm a doctor? I am a doctor.
My license plate says doctor-- d-o-k-t-e-r.
Please don't take any offense.
I'm just saying-- I mean, Bill Cosby was a doctor.
He doesn't-- if someone was hurt, he wouldn't run up and say, "I'm a doctor.
" He'd say, "Everyone remember me" from 'The Cosby Show' and 'Fat Albert'?" Are you comparing my job to a fictitious doctor on a TV sitcom? I'm just saying on the spectrum of neurosurgeon here - and masseuse here - Please don't finish your sentence.
you're in the masseuse quadrant.
Well, I guess if we're gonna have this conversation, on the spectrum between super nice guy that I'd like to be friends with - and total dick/asshole - Don't say it.
You are a total dick/asshole.
He is a doctor of comebacks.
- ( Thuds ) - Oh, the pain.
Oh, the finger.
I feel like I'm not getting a lot of attention - for this wound.
- Yeah.
You know why? - 'Cause you really offended that guy.
- The chiropractor? - Yeah.
- Who cares? We don't even know the guy.
- Let it-- - Yes, we do.
It's Julie's boyfriend.
That actually makes sense.
- And you completely offended him.
- They belong-- They belong together.
Why does he have to get his neck all out of joint? - Really? - I said "Why does he have to get his neck out of joint?" How long have you been waiting to say that? I rushed the delivery, didn't I? What do you want me to do? You need to make an appointment and apologize.
I'm not big on in-person apologies.
- You know what? I'm just gonna take care of this myself.
- I like that plan.
You go make amends and I'm gonna make a quesadilla.
- ( Boss knocks ) Tim? - Hey, "El bosso loco.
" ( Snickers ) I don't know.
I wanna be mad at that, but I like it.
Um, "El bosso loco" -- I like that.
Listen, um, you're a white guy right? - Like, you're a white person? - Oh, Caucasian, yeah.
- You're Cau-- Caucasian.
Your parents were both white.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- And their parents were white.
- Might have been one-- - one Chinese guy in the mix.
- Ah, that's what I didn't-- - Going pretty far back though.
- Okay.
What, like maybe a railroad worker? What? - I'm-- I'm white.
- Okay.
Good.
- Why do you ask? - Oh, just curious.
But, on a side note, do you play poker? Or would you like to play poker tonight with me? Uh, I'm a little-- got a lot of work going on.
Wait wait wait, before you say no, - let me set this up a little better.
- Yeah.
This is an exclusive table with a-list celebrities, hall of fame athletes - Really? - Prominent business leaders.
I mean, this is-- - Oh my God.
- This is the creme de la creme of poke-aire.
Well, who's playing? Who's in? Who's coming? - I can't tell you.
- You can't tell me who? Let's just say at least one of the players has a candy bar named after him.
If it's the Charleston chew guy, I'm gonna shit my pants.
Is it based on a guy? - What are you talking about? The Charleston-- - Is that based on a person? - I don't know.
Maybe.
- All right.
Who-- whoever it is, - it sounds amazing.
I'm in.
Count me in.
- Good.
Nice.
This is great.
I'm flattered that you look at me in this light, - that I'm part of that kind of-- - Are you kidding? This is the ultimate power group plus you: The token white guy.
- Oh.
- Bang.
Amy: Okay, so where-- what's-- what is this? I can't-- I can't share any more.
I've already said too much! You haven't told me anything.
I've been invited to a very secret "men's club" if you will.
It sounds so lame.
- It doesn't sound lame.
You sound jealous.
- I am definitely-- You sound incredibly jealous of where I'm going.
- I am definitely not jealous.
- Oh my God, what did you call for? I know how we're gonna make this thing up to Matt.
- We're still on the Matt thing? - Yes.
- So he throws this fundraiser dinner.
- Sounds terrible.
And you and I are going.
Okay, love you.
( Hangs up ) Okay, I never really agreed, but sounds like you've hung up.
Hey, you look like a fashionable guy.
What do you think of the hat? I have to admit, guys, I'm a little starstruck-- Tim Meadows, Reggie Jackson and Colin Powell - all at the same table with Tim.
- What about me? - Oh, who are you again? - I'm Al Sharpton's college roommate.
Oh that's right, Al Sharpton's college roommate.
Mm-hmm.
And show a little respect.
If I may interject, it seems it would be easier to respect you if you introduced-- I mean, you're your own man.
Am I right? Yes, I am.
That's right.
- So, full house.
- ( All groan ) Shit, man, I cannot catch a break tonight! - Boss: Me neither.
- This new guy is bad luck.
Me? No, I'm fitting in well.
Are you? You suck my dick, you'd fit in even better.
- Oh boy.
- Suck your dick? Oh my God.
Yeah, he's not very funny at card games, Tim.
- Not at all.
- Yeah, he tends to lose.
Can I ask one question? Why do we need this token white guy here? - What are we trying to prove? - That we're diverse.
Shuffle up and deal, reg.
- Bleh.
Bleh.
- You all right? - These Reggie bars are disgusting.
- Oh Jesus, I know.
They've been in my freezer since November '82.
- Why are we eating them? - Well, you invite Reggie Jackson, you have to consume anything with his name on it.
- This scotch is disgusting also.
- Mm-hmm.
This is Reggie brand scotch, isn't it? Boss: It's called reg-otch.
That's the thing that really bothers me.
Yo, Tim, can you, uh, take a rain check on that money I owe you? Rain check? That's a lot of money.
It's $1,000.
Come on, don't be a pussy.
Come on, don't be a pussy.
All right, you owe me the money.
Fair enough.
- All right.
Cool.
- Yeah.
What are you up to, by the way? Uh, I'm up to a lot actually, you know.
- I'm up for this one role.
- Yeah? Could open some huge doors for my film career.
- That's good.
- Not really.
It's between me and Don Cheadle - Oh.
- And the director thinks I'm too soft.
- Yeah, you gotta be yourself, you know? - No, you-- no, I don't.
- You don't? - I'm adopting a new persona to try and get to the role, you know? I'm gonna be more edgy.
- Edgy Tim Meadows? - Exactly.
- How's that working out? - It's going okay.
I mean, I started punching out photographers.
- Paparazzi come around, I'll deck 'em.
- Yeah! That's good-- getting the press, get some-- - Yeah, man, that's how they do it, you know? - Sean Penn style.
It's either that or making a porno tape, yo.
And I already did that.
- Did you do that? - There's a Tim Meadows porno? - Mm, yeah.
- Learning a lot here.
So he just canceled? So what's Matt gonna do, postpone the event? - What's going on there? - Well, Matt needs a new emcee for the event.
The guy canceled.
Does anyone at Omnicorp maybe have connections? I might.
- What do you mean? - I may not have mentioned this, but I'm pretty tight with Tim Meadows, Reggie Jackson and Al Sharpton's college roommate.
( Chuckles ) What?! - Don't ask me how.
- Hold on.
Okay, so Tim is saying he's friends with Tim Meadows and Reggie Jackson.
- Um, Julie says, "Bullshit.
" - Julie says, "Bullshit.
" Let me make some calls.
Let me make some calls.
If I come through, everyone will say, "Wow, Tim, you're an amazing dude.
You saved the day - and I'll never say anything negative again.
" - Okay, Julie still says bullshit, but that would be awesome if you would put in a call.
( Buzzes ) Hello.
Uh, this is Tim Meadows' butler.
May I help you? - Tim.
- Yes? I mean-- Tim, I know it's you and I know you don't have a butler.
All right, fine.
Who is this? - It's that guy from the card game.
- ( Dog whimpers ) - It's not cool showing up at my place, man.
- You don't answer your phone.
- I'm busy.
- What are you doing? - I'm writing letters.
- You're writing letters? - Of course.
- Listen, I got a job offer you could-- Wait, job offer? You gonna offer Tim Meadows a job? Tim's gonna offer Tim Meadows a job.
Uh, I hate the sound of that.
You could emcee this charity dinner.
- We'll forget the debt.
- Fine, I'll do it.
- Send me the details.
- That's great.
- Send them to my butler.
- That's great.
- I'm glad it worked out.
- Yeah, me too.
I'm glad it worked out.
Now get the fuck off my porch! - I'm sorry.
- Where'd that come from? My agent wants me to keep it edgy, so I'm just trying to-- Fucking bitch, man.
I'm sorry.
This is really not me.
It's not edgy if you keep apologizing when you curse.
Tim, it's almost 8:00.
Are you sure he's gonna show? I'm pretty sure.
He said he was gonna be here.
- What do you mean "pretty sure"? - He told me.
He told you personally? He looked you in the face and said, "Tim, yes, I'll be there"? I'm not big on making eye contact.
- What does that mean? - He told me through his intercom.
- What the hell does that mean?! - What do you mean-- Matt: Anything over-- that doesn't count.
I didn't ask him to sign a document.
He said "I'll be there.
" People say stuff over intercoms all the time.
"Yeah, I'm gonna buzz you in" and then they don't buzz you in.
- No, the intercom is a socially binding agreement.
- ( Vehicle approaching ) - No, it is not! - Oh my God, he's here.
- Oh my God.
- Wow! - Matt: Oh my God! - Tim: Uh-oh.
- That's Tim fucking Meadows.
- Wait.
Tim-- - I'm speechless.
- Oh my God! - Who's the hero now? - Look at him.
Look how good his skin looks.
- Tim: This is a happy ending, right? - Can I just say on the spectrum between total dick/asshole and best dude in the world, you're closer to best dude in the world? That's the nicest spectrum analogy anyone's ever given me.
Matt: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming out tonight.
Your support means so very much to kids around the globe who don't have access to chiropractic care and as a result they often have a neck pain or minor joint stiffness, which-- that can be stressful for them.
So without further ado, from "Saturday Night Live," please welcome Mr.
Tim Meadows! Man: Yeah, all right! Thank you, guys.
Wow, chiropractors without borders-- what charity! I can picture you guys showing up and these poor kids in the Congo are like, "Clean water and food for sustenance? No, thanks.
"Check the alignment of my back, bitches!" ( Laughs ) Yeah, I know that's what it's like.
How you doing? But I kid.
Seriously, you know, chiropractors without borders are doing-- you're doing God's work, assuming that God is a smug self-serving asshole.
Bam! Take it like this, like this, like this! Yeah yeah, I've been drinking a little bit.
I'm doing good though! - Did you put him up to this? - Put him up? Are you trying to make me look bad? No, I think he's just trying some edgier material.
- Is that too edgy? The cursing and the mocking? - Yes! Yes, it's way too edgy.
I gotta stop this.
- Tim, I'm sorry.
Tim? - Excuse me.
What the fuck? - Paparazzi! - ( Grunts ) - ( Guests gasp ) - ( Matt groaning ) That's how I roll-- hard.
I'm hardcore.
Feel free to report this to T.
M.
Z.
or any other website, you know? - You motherfuckers have been the best audience ever.
- ( Shutter clicks ) - Good night, everybody.
- ( Feedback ) I'm sorry.
I agree that was too edgy.
That part was too edgy.
I need medical attention.
Should someone call a doctor? You son of a bitch.
Is there a chiropractor in the house? Bad time for that joke? No matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.
These cinnamon buns are ridiculous.
Oh my God, these are sick.
Helen, so good! ( Chuckles ) Oh, come on, they're just my cinnamon buns.
Holy shit, are these good! ( Boss shouting ) Marie, you get your bony white ass in my office! - Now! - That doesn't sound good at all.
- ( Shouting continues ) - Yeah, when he says bonny white ass, - that's never a good thing.
- Boss: I want them out! - Out of the building! - Marie: Out of the building? - Boss: Out of the building! - Marie: Yes, sir.
Rodney, get me the intercom.
Attention, everyone.
We need all low-level personnel to go home for a few hours now.
All non-essential employees please leave.
- Nothing to be frightened about.
- ( Flushes ) Just get the fuck out now.
- Oh my.
- That kind of puts a damper on cinnamon-bun Tuesday, huh? Big time.
You guys should really get moving here.
What do you mean, you guys? I'm not non-essential anymore.
I'm a junior vice president.
Uh, yeah, dude, you're about as non-essential as they come.
- Me?! - You're the part of the totem pole - that's in the ground, bro.
- Tim, I mean all due respect - when I say this - Yeah? you're fucking useless.
Let's get out of here.
O'Flaherty: This is crazy! Yeah, they sent us home from Omnicorp.
We've got a crisis.
Really? ( Laughs ) - You sound happy.
- O'Flaherty: Well, look at all this business.
This is crisis business.
Usually at this hour it's just me standing around with my drunk brother.
- ( Belches ) - That guy's your brother? Yeah, that's my brother, yeah.
He is always drunk.
( Groans ) I swallowed it.
Hey, shut up.
Nobody told you to say anything.
I will burn you with this lighter.
You know I'll do it.
I've done it before.
Fuck me in the ear with a dick.
- Tim: What's going on? - Look at that.
terrible situation here in Bergen, New Jersey.
A chemical facility that manufactures low-grade antifreeze has imploded.
There's a massive sinkhole in the ground that continues to get worse - and is threatening the local water supply.
- That's not good.
A hole so deep that it could only be described as a hellmouth.
We don't know much, except that it's owned by a parent company called Omnicorp.
That's Omnicorp with a P on the end.
- That is really not good.
- He didn't say Omnicorp, did he? You pronounce the P-- Omnicorp.
- Oh, no.
- I thought we-- I thought we made spreadsheets.
Am I crazy? If we go out of business, I am fucked! I will put my kids up for adoption, - no questions asked.
- That's the first thing you think of? Yeah.
They're just fucking drains - on my checking account.
- No one's going out of business.
- This might not even be that bad.
- ( Phone vibrating ) Oh, wait.
Hold on a sec.
Timalamadingdong, talk to me.
I don't even have time to address how you just answered the phone.
- Oh hey, boss.
- Where are you? Oh, they said everyone go home.
All non-essentials go home.
Of course you're ess-- God, I hate saying that, but you are essential.
- Come here right now.
- Oh, I'll be right back.
I was right.
I'm a big shot now.
- Hmm.
- Catch you later.
Big shots don't normally refer to themselves as big shots.
Yeah, and they definitely don't wear braided belts.
- ( Belches ) - I will throw you down the stairs! So, smoking.
This is a no-smoking zone.
I'm so so sorry.
Someone tell that bitch to shut up! Okay.
Listen, everyone.
The P.
R.
department is running this.
Here's what's gonna happen over the next 24 hours.
- Okay.
- Tim: Hey.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I'm a little late.
Can I grab anyone a cinnamon bun? - Okay, don't, uh-- - ( Tim chuckles ) Oh my God.
Do not-- you are not taking a seat.
- Don't sit, don't even think about sitting.
- I'm not moving.
- There's no motion.
- Oh God, if she kills him, this could be very unpleasant.
This kid is the new face of the company.
- Really? - Press releases, ads-- I want him talking.
That's amazing.
That's amazing.
( Clears throat ) I hate to have to interject here, but is-- I mean, is this really a good-- - I sound extremely authoritative.
- He does.
If I may, um ( Low voice ) Does anyone here want a cinnamon bun? - Uh, is that just-- - P.
R.
woman: Please stop talking! - Well, I mean-- - He is the one-- young, wholesome, not the type of corporate douchebag everyone's expecting to hear from.
Is this woman insinuating that I'm some form of bag of a douche? You're coming to Jersey with me.
It's the garden state.
- Just hold your nose going through secaucus.
- All right.
- She kind of turns me on.
- Me too.
Okay, an Omnicorp rep will address the media and do a five-minute Q&A.
You don't like it? Suck my left tit.
No, the left tit.
Yeah, they like my look.
They want me to talk and be the face of the company.
- Amy: And you're actually doing it? - Yeah.
I have to do it.
I don't think I have a choice in the matter.
Wait wait wait, who are you talking to back there? - My girlfriend Amy.
You wanna say hi? - No! I told you-- no contact with anyone.
You're an unreasonable P.
R.
exec.
- Give me-- - No.
She doesn't count.
He'll call you back later, bitch.
- Amy: Bitch? Who said that? - Oh, hey.
That seemed like overkill.
- Okay, so how do you want him? - I want him all-American, you know? Yeah yeah yeah.
Okay, so like a sexy little ethnic Hardy boy? - What? - No, with his sleeves rolled up.
- We're gonna push up his sleeves, right? - Right.
Just a caz-- a caz, like tossed off, kind of casual, uh, cazzy-cazzy kind of-- - Kind of dressed up.
- Just roll up his fucking sleeves.
Like fun.
Just kind of like funny funny, fun fun.
- Okay.
My golden boy.
- Thank you.
- My golden boy.
- My golden P.
R.
lady.
- You know what to say? - No.
Just read the prepared statement.
- Oh, I'm gonna read that first.
- Yes.
And for the Q&A? - Yeah.
What do I do? - Say things like, "We live here too," "we've got a team on that" and "We're here for the long haul.
" - Just keep saying that over and over? - Yeah.
For any question - it'll apply.
Trust me, okay? - We got a team on it.
We're here for the long haul with a team on it.
- We live here too.
- We live here.
- We got a team on it.
- Yeah, anything they could ask.
Perfect.
And what do you not do under any circumstances? - I don't apologize or accept blame.
- Exactly.
- You're gonna do great.
- Am I? Yes.
And if you don't, so help me God, I will cut off your balls.
- Oh my God.
- I'll suck 'em off.
And, you know, that's where we stand at this juncture.
We're here for the long haul.
Thanks for your time.
- ( Whispers ) Ah, you did great.
- Thank you, thank-- Okay, we'll do a brief Q&A.
Keep your questions concise, please.
- Um, Richard.
- Yeah.
Uh, first can we just get - the correct spelling of your name, please? - Tim.
- Uh-huh.
- Standard spelling.
Standard spelling on that.
Great.
Oh and you know what? Let me add one more thing.
- I was supposed to hit several points.
- Richard: Mm-hmm.
I wanna make it clear that Omnicorp is not sorry about any of this.
- What do you mean? - Oh, just-- just for the record.
- We're not-- - I'm sorry, I just wanna make sure I understood that.
- I just wanted to get that in.
- So you're not-- You're not sorry for causing the greatest ecological disaster in the history of New Jersey, which is saying something.
You're not sorry for that? - Nope.
- ( Muffled ) Tim.
- What? Can I have a minute? - Tim.
( Softly ) We're not sorry, right? What's going on here? We're sorry now? We a little sorry? We're a little sorry.
We're a little sorry.
You're a little bit sorry? So I'm gonna say that-- I think the headline of this article now is gonna be Omnicorp, quote, "A little sorry" - Omnicorp's a little sorry.
You can quote me on that.
- ( Hisses ) Tim.
Richard: "About greatest ecological disaster in state's history.
" - I'm getting some looks over here.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
And that'll do it for the Q&A.
Thanks for coming.
Go home, shut your windows, don't bathe.
.
I wanna make it clear that Omnicorp is not sorry about any of this.
What the hell were you thinking? I thought I was supposed to not apologize.
Tim, the media will tear you limb from limb and America will tune in to watch! Listen, I am sorry.
I thought I was doing what I was told.
- Guys, take him away.
I'm gonna kill him.
- Here we go.
Hup.
- Let me apolo-- - ( Guards shouting ) - Tim: No no no! - Grab him.
- Come on, you little bitch.
- Please no no no! - P.
R.
woman: Get him out.
- Hup! Honestly, I had no idea the P.
R.
department was this hardcore.
- I'm impressed.
- ( Sighs ) Okay, they're playing Tim's quote on every channel.
- Boss: Got it.
- We need to-- Boss, I got the London chairman on the phone.
You talk to him.
You deal with it.
Tell him I'm busy.
- Tell him I'm on the bidet.
- Hold on.
Mr.
Chairman, you're on with the boss.
Thank you.
And please stop calling him the boss.
That really is quite ridiculous.
Now what's being done? Well, first of all, my name is the boss.
Secondly, uh, we're-- we're discussing ways to punish Tim-- the employee Tim.
And we could dock his pay.
We could-- we could fire him.
Um, or just make him wear-- I have the jacket from "Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat" that Donny Osmond wore on Broadway.
- Maybe make him wear that.
- How on earth is that gonna get us out of this mess? It absolutely won't.
- Should we keep thinking? - Yes, of course.
We need problem solvers here.
Now does anyone have an intelligent idea?! - Yeah.
- No, it appears we're done.
- Bleh.
- Nobody has a thought.
- I got an idea! - Great, who am I speaking with? - Boss: No, it's-- - Rodney.
Stiff Rod.
- This is awful.
I can't believe this is happening.
- Hot Rod.
- Big hunk of Rod.
- Nobody calls you that.
Never mind.
Okay.
Why don't we just change the name of the company? Then nobody knows who to be mad at.
( Softly ) You are a dimwit.
Sir, I uh-- listen, we've got a lot of ideas.
No no, just a moment, just a moment.
It is a bold maneuver, I grant you that, - but it could actually work.
- Boss: Hmm.
Phillip Morris became Altria.
Kentucky Fried Chicken became K.
F.
C.
- Dwayne Johnson became The Rock.
- I like it.
Let's act on this.
In the meantime, I want a media blackout and I want this Rodney to be fairly compensated-- six-figure bonus.
( Chuckles ) Good talk, people.
( Hangs up ) I don't know what just-- I'm not sure-- Rodney? Really? I don't-- am I having a stroke? Now what we're gonna do is wait for the story to blow over, then we'll re-emerge with a new name.
In the meantime, I want the sign removed from the building and Tim to fucking disappear.
Okay everyone, let's move.
- ( Footsteps passing ) - ( Door closes ) So guess who's getting the big bucks! Stiff stiff stiff Rod! Yeah, he's getting paid! Paid some big ol' dough He's getting paid a lot of money 'cause he's in charge Look at the big swinging dick! It's stiff Rod! - Good lord, sir, we're all just right here.
- Oh, sorry.
I thought you guys left.
You been there the whole time? What the hell's happening? - ( Door opens ) - Hey, what's going on? I've been caged up in here like a wild animal.
- Pretty spacious office.
- It is pretty nice actually.
It's pretty comfy.
But what's going on? Any news? Rodney-- Rodney strangely enough saved the day.
- Rodney? Wow.
- I know.
Blew my mind.
- Um, we're gonna rename the company.
- What?! - And the third thing, um-- - We need you to disappear.
- Disappear? - Right.
Like Mengele from Germany to Argentina.
- We need you to go into hiding.
- In a closet? - Marie: No.
We need you to leave the country.
- What?! Tim, you're our only liability right now, okay? Your face is the image of disaster.
- The press won't stop hounding you.
- Okay, I can get a haircut.
- They're not mad at your hair.
- I can't leave.
I've got a girlfriend.
I got-- I got magazine subscriptions.
Listen, I would love to fire you.
- We both would.
- But we can't.
Because of the lawsuit, everybody's contractually obligated to work here for the rest of their lives.
So you've gotta get the hell outta here.
Marie: So you get indentured solitude in the Caribbean on Omnicorp's dime.
That's my punishment? Go to a Caribbean resort indefinitely? Tim, let's trade clothes real quick so we can sneak you out before the press spots you.
All right, let's do it.
Wow, oh my God, you're really doing it here.
- ( Stammers ) - Marie, those are your tits.
- They're right there-- big and bouncy.
- Marie, I know I've said some nasty things to you over the years, but you've got an amazing set of boobs.
I feel like I should get nude too.
Bee boop ba doo ba doo ba doo.
You know, if you guys move any slower, you're gonna get a Jimmy Choo up your butt.
- What's a Jimmy Choo? - Oh, shut your fucking mouth and don't talk back.
I am not in the mood.
Oh, I like the way you talk dirty.
Yeah! Talk dirty! Get violent! Yeah, that's how I like it.
Shut your mouth and work.
I'm not in the mood for this crap.
You got a good thing going on with your body.
- I like it.
- Thank you very much.
Yeah.
Hey, let's get a bite to eat after this on me.
- Okay, after this.
- Man: You promise? - Promise.
- All right! Hey! Hey, guys, she's gonna let me take her out! ( Laughs ) I'm the luckiest guy in the world! ( Phone vibrates ) Okay, if you're ever gonna sit down, this is the time.
- What? Just-- - Get low, get low to the ground.
Tim, just say it.
Omnicorp wants me out of the country.
They're gonna pay, but I have to leave in the morning.
So, uh, I fucked up, I know.
I know how mad you are.
You're still there? Fucked up? - Tim, this is amazing.
- Amazing? - It's just what we need.
- You want me out of the co-- oh! I mean, my job has just been not fun - lately, and-- - True.
- You know, I could just quit.
- That's amazing.
And then we could just have a whole fresh start.
That's great.
So Tim didn't fuck up? No, Tim did good.
Tim did real real good.
You know that's a condescending tone of voice, right? - No.
- The way you talk to a small dog? No.
Don't even ask-- it's-- they're Marie's clothes.
Looks like Eileen Fisher just diarrhea'ed - all over your body.
- Don't even-- don't even ask.
Oh man, this is crazy.
One minute you're eating cinnamon buns, the next minute company's going out of business and you're on a plane to the Caribbean.
- I think it worked out for everybody.
- Yeah? Yeah, you're getting a sick trip.
I'm getting a big bonus.
What about Stu? What does Stu get? Well, I don't think you really get anything.
Or I got two free cinnamon buns.
- Oh, look at that.
- Bam! - Oh, nice.
- Stuball, Stuball, Stuball, Stuball - ( Beatboxing ) - Stuball, Stuball, Stuball, Stuball Stu-wa, Stu-wa, Stu-wa.
( Deep voice ) Stu-ball, Stu-ball Stuball, Stuball, Stuball, Stuball.
- Stuball wins.
- ( Mimics beeping ) - Nice.
- Stu, two; Everybody else on this fucking planet, zero.
All right, I'm outta here.
Quick hug.
- Rodney: Yeah, come here.
- Tim: Gimme a hug.
- Stu: Best friends.
- Tim: Nice.
- ( Rodney moans ) - Stu: Oh, yeah.
( Moans ) - All right that's too much.
- Stu: I love you guys.
That's two penises I'm feeling right now.
- Stu: It might be a cinnamon bun.
- It's too much thrusting.
Might be an unraveled cinnamon bun.
- You the guy? - I'm the guy.
- Okay.
- I'm dressed like Marie.
- Right.
Yeah, I got it.
- Give me two minutes - Then we're off.
- Then we're off.
Oh man, this is crazy.
What if I don't come back? Omnicorp, I'm gonna miss you if this is it.
I'm not good at goodbyes, especially with buildings in Midtown.
No, the other one from before.
Yeah yeah, the big boxy, with the square butt and the big shoes and the square tits-- Yeah, they're real ugly.
( Laughs ) Yeah yeah, she's all business.
I love it.
Oh.
Ho! Oh, shit.
I bet a nickel I could tell you if it was heads or tails I'm not gonna worry wrinkles in my brow 'cause nothing's ever gonna be all right nohow no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.