The Muppet Show (1976) s03e10 Episode Script

Marisa Berenson

Oh, Marisa Berenson, 35 seconds to curtain, Miss Berenson.
Thank you.
Oh, Scooter, who does all this luggage belong to? Oh, didn't you know? It's a gift to you from the show.
Now, wait a minute.
This isn't some kind of weird Muppet luggage that's gonna blow up or turn into cheese like everything else on this strange show? No, no, no, it's just regular alligator luggage.
Oh, good.
Oh! Oh, no! It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Marisa Berenson! # It's time to play the music It's time to light the light # It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight # It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right # It's time to get things started # Why don't you get things started? Why don't we leave? - Where would we go? # It's time to get things started # On the most sensational, inspirational # Celebrational, Muppetational # This is what we call The Muppet Show! # Thank you, thank you! And welcome again to The Muppet Show, where tonight's special guest star is the beautiful international film star, Miss Marisa Berenson.
But first, on our show we've done traditional dances from many countries, but never Russia.
Well, tonight their luck has run out.
Well, there goes detente.
Where? Never mind.
OK, get onstage, jugglers.
Way to go, gang.
Nothing like a good old-fashioned Russian pig dance.
Oh, boy, if you like that act, you're gonna love mine.
Uh, who are you? Lew Zealand and his boomerang fish act.
Whoo! Lew Zealand and his boomerang fish act? Oh, yeah.
Hey, it's razzle-dazzle.
Uh, well, I'm sorry, but I'm not booking any highbrow acts just now.
Well, think about it, OK? Come on, Seymour, you need a bath.
Oh, Kermie, Kermie, Kermie, thank you for putting me in charge of the closing sketch.
You just cannot say no to me, can you? Well, I can, but it hurts a lot.
Uh, is that the sketch there? Yes, it is, yes.
Well, tell me about it.
Uh, it's a secret.
- What? Well, I'll tell you the title.
OK, what is the title of the closing sketch? The Wedding.
The Wedding.
- Mm-hmm.
You see, you're the groom and moi am the bride.
Isn't that a silly idea? Isn't that funny? Uh, maybe.
Oh, Kermie! Oh, it shall be so wonderful! Uh, funny, funny I mean, funny.
Oh, boy, Kermit's kind of busy just now.
Ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest star, the lovely and talented Marisa Berenson! Did you like that number? Speak up, my hearing aid's busted.
Did you like that number.
I liked what I heard.
What did you hear? "Did you like that number?" I tell you, it's terrific.
Yeah, you see, I throw the fish into the air, they sail away and then they come back to me.
Yeah, but I don't care about boomerang fish acts.
Oh, you will.
They're coming back.
Uh, Miss Piggy.
- Oh, um, yes, hello, Kermie.
Piggy, come back here.
Oh, Kermie, how aggressive and manly you sound.
Never mind the sweet talk.
I wanna know more about this wedding sketch.
I mean, I've gotta learn my lines.
Well, you only have one line.
I do? Exactly.
Uh, that's not what I mean.
Besides, the thing you forgot is that I don't! Kermie, it's just a simple comedy sketch.
Oh, yeah, well, I know that.
A comedy sketch, Kermie.
It's not as if he were a real minister.
Now, you are a real minister, right? Hello, sports fans, this is Lewis Kazagger, welcoming you to the wild world of Muppet sports.
Today finds us at the national wig racing championships.
Wig racing? Uh-huh.
Well, luckily, I have one of the trainers here who may be able to explain.
Uh, yes, sir.
Today is my first time out wig racing, sir, or do you call this a derby? Uh, no, sir, this is a wig, this is a derby.
Uh, does the wig have a name? I call this wig Greased Lightning.
- 'Cause it's speedy? - No, 'cause it's greasy.
Don't you use a shampoo? No, sir, I do not use sham-poo for my wigs.
Only use real poo.
Nothing but the best poo for my wigs.
Oh, ah! That whistle means that the wigs are on the blocks.
And they're off! Mine's off! Hey! Hey! # There's a somebody I'm longing to see # I hope that she turns out to be # Someone who'll watch # Over me # I'm a little frog who's lost in a wood # I know I could always be good # To one who'll watch # Over me # Although I may not be the man # Some girls think of as handsome # To my heart she carries # The key # Won't you tell her, please to put on some speed # Follow my lead # Oh, how I need # Someone who'll watch # Over me # Won't you tell her, please to put on some speed # Follow my lead # Oh, how I need # Someone to watch # Over me # What is it?! Oh, Miss Piggy, do you need any help? Uh Oh, Marisa, well, just a moment.
Beautiful bridal gown.
- Mm-hmm.
Yes, well, it's a traditional wedding scene.
Something old, something new, something borrowed and something green.
Sounds like a real wedding to me, rather than a sketch.
Oh, well, it's um it's a realistic sketch, mm-hmm.
Is it? Marisa? - Yes, dear.
Would you be a dear? Would you lace me up? Well, of course.
- Yes.
That's it.
Tighter, dear.
- Tighter? Mm-hmm.
Tighter.
- Tighter? I've gotta go down three sizes.
You're going through an awful lot of trouble.
How long does this sketch last? Till death do us part.
All right, now, listen, kid, uh, just on the count of three pull.
Ready, one two three! Oh, Marisa, you're wanted onstage in a minute.
My goodness, I've got to get dressed.
Hold these.
Is your hearing aid fixed? - No.
Then how do you know what I'm saying? - I don't.
Oh.
Do-Re-Ml.]
# Doe, a deer, a female deer # Ray, a drop of golden sun # Me, a name I call myself # Far, a long, long way to run # Sew, a needle pulling thread # La, a note to follow so # Tea, a drink with jam and bread Me? # Me, a name I call myself # Far, a long, long way to run # Sew, a needle pulling thread # La, a note to follow so # Tea, a drink with jam and bread Now? - Go! # Go, a gear, a female gear No! # No, a near, a female near Oh, what the hay.
# Hay, a hop of holden hun Fozzie! # A name I call myself # No, it should be Bo # Bo, a beer, a female beer Will you go away? # Way, a dwop of wolden won Now, now, just listen to me.
# Me and my shadow # Doe, a deer, a female deer Hold it! Come on, you're ruining the whole song! Uh and now, to bring a note of culture to the show Is the set changed yet? Yeah, it's OK, frog.
OK, here is the lovely and talented, Miss Marisa Berenson.
# Well, a man came to our house Our house, our house # A man came to our house to sell us some brooms # So we asked him to come in and we hit him with a hammer # And we hid him in the closet in my father's room # But you're always welcome in our house # Any time of the day # Yes, you're always welcome in our house # And we hope you will stay # Then a lady came to our house Our house, our house # A lady came to find out why I was not in school # So we asked her to come in and we gave her some poison lemonade # And hid her in the freezer where it's nice and cool # But you're always welcome in our house # Any time of the day # Yes, you're always welcome in our house # And we hope you will stay # Then a kid came into our yard Our yard, our yard # A kid came into our yard to get his ball # So we asked him to come in and we took him in the basement # And we sealed him up inside the basement wall # But you're always welcome in our house # Any time of the day # Yes, you're always welcome in our house # And we hope you will stay # So when you come to our house Our house, our house # When you come to our house we will have some fun # We will ask you to come in and we will take you in the kitchen # We will put you in the oven until you are done # But you're always welcome in our house # Any time of the day # Yes, you're always welcome in our house # And we hope you will stay # And we know # You will stay # Yeah, one liver sandwich.
Chef! Why, that's beautiful! You know, I take one look at this wedding cake and I feel like crying.
Heaven knows why.
de cake and de honions.
You what? - Honions.
Raw onions in a wedding cake? Oh, ya, honions very good for the seen-isus.
Yeah, clears the head.
- Ya.
This cake'll clear the church! Oh, curse these flies.
They get all over the food.
Hey, what about my sandwich? Here it is.
Great.
Oh, liver sandwich, and say, I'd like something on the side.
Well, there already is something on the side.
Ah.
Mmm.
Yechh! Yeah, aside from the raw onions, it's a nice cake, chef.
here is dee Piggy bridey.
Hmm.
I can see it's just as light as a feather.
Ya.
Oh! Pity we can't say the same for the bride.
Hey, hey! Come on, let me throw one fish, just one fish, then you'll see.
Uh, listen, when I book a boomerang fish act on this show some very warm places will freeze over.
Thanks a lot! I'll wait over there.
But, uh Kermit, there's this dear, little old lady in the audience who wants your autograph for her sick grandson.
Sign here.
Oh, OK.
Listen, is everything ready for this dumb wedding sketch? Sure, the set's onstage, everyone's in costume, you signed the license uh, you signed the autograph.
What was that? - Oh, nothing.
Introduce the wedding.
Go ahead.
Uh, uh, well, today, folks, Miss Piggy has prepared a silly wedding sketch.
Naturally, it's just for fun, and - Excuse me.
What is it? Can we start soon? I'm saying vespers at St.
Anne's in half an hour.
What? And now, the wedding sketch.
Oh, Marisa, do I look all right? You look radiant, my dear.
Uh, you sure this is gonna be funny? Trust me.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this pig and this frog in holy wedlock.
I guess everyone cries at weddings.
No, cries at weddings.
Oh.
If there is anyone present who knows why this pig and this frog should not be joined in matrimony, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
Do it! Do you, Piggy, take this frog to be your lawfully wedded husband? I do.
And do you, Kermit, take this pig to be your lawfully wedded wife? I I I wanna introduce to you the amazing Lew Zealand and his boomerang fish! This is a comedy sketch, after all.
Well, it is now.
Kermit! We'll see if you laugh with a flipper crammed down your throat! Close the curtains! We're done! Uh, and so we come to the finish of Miss Piggy's wedding sketch That's not the finish.
This is the finish.
Hi-ya! Well, time seems to be running out, not only for the show but for me.
So let us quickly welcome back the lovely and talented Miss Marisa Berenson, yay! Thank you, Kermit - Kermit! Marisa, I'm gonna have to rush.
Would you mind saying goodnight for me? Me? - Mm-hmm.
How exciting.
Exciting, Marisa, you ain't seen nothin' yet! What do I say? - Just, "We'll see you next time " Kermit! We'll see you next time - On The Muppet Show.
Gotcha! On The Muppet Show.
If you guys let me hide here, I'll give you tickets to next week's show.

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