The Sex Lives of College Girls (2021) s03e10 Episode Script
Essex Strong
1
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Bela, you seem so happy tonight.
It's because of the guy
sitting across from us.
He's serving us muscles like
we're at a goddamn seafood buffet. Mmm.
Actually, it's because
I'm starting to do comedy again,
and I think I finally found my voice?
- Bela.
- That's amazing.
Yeah, I feel like I've spent
so long trying to sound like
all these men I saw on late-night shows.
Turns out, my best muse
is a sex-positive brown woman.
- Myself.
- LILA: Go off, self-centered queen.
- You know it.
- WHITNEY: Yeah, I'm really glad
you're not letting the Arvind
breakup get you down.
Oh, no, not at all.
I actually have to move on.
For my craft. Hooking up is research.
And I will be doing a double PhD.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Well, speaking of hookup stories,
Cooper and I went all the way.
- You did?
- No, you didn't.
- How was it?
- It was amazing.
I hate to sex and tell,
but Cooper was the perfect gentleman,
and our thrusting
was completely in sync.
No slip-outs or anything.
(GASPS) That's impressive.
I'm pro-slip-out.
It provides a natural intermission.
- Oh, shit.
- What's wrong?
I just got an email
from the athletic board.
They want to meet with
me about quitting the team.
Ugh, I just want to be done
with this. I don't want it to be
- a whole big thing.
- KIMBERLY: I wouldn't worry about it.
You made a decision
for a really good reason,
and if they can't respect that,
then I would give them hell.
- I don't know.
- LILA: Sometimes,
giving people hell is the only way
to get what you want
Uh, for instance
Hey, Muscles.
Flex for me or live to regret it.
KIMBERLY: Oh, wow.
(LILA CHUCKLES) He's a good boy.
("MON CHERI" BY SOFI TUKKER PLAYING)
NOAH (OVER VIDEO): Congressman
Nathan Riggs is coming
to speak on campus.
It is completely unacceptable
that this school,
which claims to be for equality,
would give a platform
to someone so openly hateful.
FRIEDMAN: Oh, and I won't
be holding office hours today.
Not because I'm busy
but because I'm not in the mood.
Professor Friedman, can I just
talk to you for a second?
What do you think about Essex
letting Nathan Riggs
speak on campus?
- Oh, that guy's a turd.
- Right?
His hateful and regressive policies
go against everything
this place stands for.
Sure, but that's
a First Amendment issue.
Constitutionally speaking,
turds are protected.
Well, a bunch of students
are gonna protest,
and I think I'm gonna join them.
Protesting's a waste of time.
Uh, collective action only works
if it lasts for months,
and that almost never happens.
Oh, thanks for your unsolicited opinion.
Well, that was an insane take.
I actually agree with him.
Have you googled me?
- (GASPS) No.
- Well, if you had,
you'd come across a photo
from a newspaper article
from a queer protest in 1994,
where I was holding a sign
- that said, "Suck"
- "Suck My Lesbian Dick."
I-I lied. I have googled you many times.
I've seen that photo and I love it.
Is it okay that I said
"Suck My Lesbian Dick"?
Once is better than twice.
But anyway, that photo
is what lost me a clerkship
after law school.
What? That's so unfair.
- The world is unfair.
- STEVE: Oh, sweet.
Are office hours back on?
Uh, no. Not for you.
(SIGHS) Anyway,
protect future Kimberly.
We need her.
♪
BELA: Hey, stranger.
Back from your fancy
off-campus housing so soon?
Yeah. I woke up this morning
and thought, "I simply must
see all those people
I work hard to avoid."
(CHUCKLES)
Can I, uh, talk to you for a second?
Sorry, I'm swamped. I've been
working on my own stuff
and now I have 53 student
complaint forms to deal with.
Eight are from Norman.
Well, excuse me
for being a light sleeper
who doesn't like it when people ignore
our suite's chore wheel,
or rename it the "chode wheel."
- (LAUGHS) "Chode."
- I laughed, too.
Which was so wrong.
Can I find you later?
Yeah. Yeah.
It was, it was nothing anyway.
Okay, Norman, how can I be most helpful?
I want the upperclassman boy next door
to keep his music down.
That I can do.
("MY BED" BY LEAH KATE PLAYING LOUDLY)
(SIGHS)
Okay, that is kind of loud.
Excuse me, can you turn it down?
I'm a FAF, so if you don't turn it down,
I'm gonna have to let myself in!
- Okay, I'm coming in.
- Don't know how to stop ♪
I just can't get you out of my bed ♪
You're so bad ♪
But I just can't help myself ♪
Say goodbye then I do it again ♪
I should quit, but your lips ♪
Got me high as hell, like ♪
- La, la, la. ♪
- (MUSIC STOPS)
Hello?
(EXHALES)
What the fuck?
Like la, la, la ♪
AMY: Thank you for coming in, Whitney.
We wanted to check in
and ask why one of our best athletes
decided to quit her team right
in the middle of playoffs.
Honestly?
There was this toxic hustle culture
that just kept requiring
more and more of me,
and eventually,
it just got to be too much,
so I decided not to be
part of it anymore.
Good for you.
So, what can we do to get you
back out on that field?
Score some goals?
Wait, is that what this is about?
I can't play. I have a knee
injury I'm trying to heal.
An injury where I was encouraged to take
a cortisone shot
to play through the pain.
Well, um, our records show
that you requested that shot.
Technically, yes,
but it didn't feel like
I had much of a choice.
Not according to the team doctor.
I'm sorry, are you here to listen to me
or just tell me your version
of my experience?
Whitney, we all want
the same thing here.
For you and your teammates to win
the first ever Essex Women's
soccer championship.
Okay, I'm sorry, but
I'm no longer a student athlete
at this school,
so we're done here.
But I really hope you listen better
to the next girl
that sits in this chair.
I like the way you kiss me ♪
I like the way you, uh ♪
- (CHEERING)
- I like the way you kiss me ♪
I can tell you miss me ♪
I can tell it hits, hits ♪
- Hello!
- (CHEERING)
Welcome to my favorite party
of the year.
Last year, there was a streaker
in the ball pit.
I saw a whole lot of butt
and a fair amount of side penis.
You would've loved it.
Right. Should we go to the bar?
I want to get Cooper his favorite drink:
a cold beer.
- Isn't he so manly?
- KIMBERLY: Mm-hmm.
(LAUGHTER)
That girl is falling for him hard.
- It's cute. I'm happy for her.
- How'd your meeting go?
Ooh, bad. Yeah. But that's a good thing.
I now know I made
the right decision by quitting.
Hell yes, you did.
And your snatched body
deserves a hobby with
a much more flattering outfit,
like wrestling or speed skating.
- Do you speed skate?
- No.
- You should start.
- I'm excited to figure out what to do with
all my new free time. Maybe I'll
take up hiking or volunteering.
Ew.
Honestly, no, I'll probably
just look at my phone more.
Yeah, you know
that's what you like to do.
Of course I do
Aww, you guys are such a cute couple.
You really inspire me.
There are a lot of fine men
in the ball pit.
I'm gonna go jump in
and see where my hands land.
- (LAUGHS)
- All right.
(CHEERING)
No, he had a VR headset on.
He had no idea I was watching him.
It was like studying the ideal version
of the male human body.
His V-lines were so deep,
- like a "V" in a bold font.
- (LAUGHS)
I think I might include him
in my next show.
You should, and hey, maybe ask him out.
BELA: I don't know.
I mean, would I hook up
with him? Of course.
But in terms of dating and people
I would take seriously,
I think I'm starting to learn
I'd rather start by liking
someone's personality
and feeling a connection
as opposed to just, like,
a perfect face, jaw, abs, pecs,
quads, calves and butt.
Oh, for sure. You could hook up
with the hottest stranger in the world,
but it'd feel like an empty
experience once it's over.
But when you feel an actual connection?
It's next-level. Or so I've been told.
Sadly, I'm just a hot stranger
people have sex with.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
("OUTRAGES OUTRO" BY GRAYSON PLAYING)
♪
I love that we're at that stage
in the relationship
where we can be comfortable
in long, silent eye contact.
Yeah. I'm not really sure this qualifies
as silence, though;
the drunk guy behind me
keeps listing off words
that rhyme with "taint."
GUY: Saint! Paint! Self-restraint!
Oh, so, um, my mom is
coming into town for the show,
and I told her that we could
get lunch after rehearsal
so that she can meet you.
Yeah, yeah, that could be fun.
- Yeah.
- Uh, just, Brandon and I,
we have plans to play squash.
Well, if you're nervous about
meeting my mom, don't worry,
she's really fun.
Especially now that she stopped
intermittent fasting.
No, I'm sure, I-I'd love to meet her.
It's just, the courts,
they have this really strict
cancellation policy.
It's iron-clad.
Oh. Yeah, got it.
Totally understand. (CHUCKLES)
(EXHALES) So, where were we?
Oh, right.
Comfortable silence.
- (WHOOPS)
- (SCREAMS)
- (GRUNTING)
- Yeah!
Are you okay? Oh, my God.
♪
Are you in line for the ball pit?
Oh, absolutely not.
It's important to me to know
that the person I'm talking to
- is wearing pants.
- (LAUGHS)
I'm Noah, by the way. Have-have we met?
Not yet, I'm Kimberly.
I recognize you from your posts
protesting against Nathan Riggs.
We feel the same way about him.
Yeah, my opinion of him
is that he's a piece of shit.
(CHUCKLES) Well, thanks for standing up
against misogyny and transphobia.
- Don't forget racism.
- Oh, I never forget racism.
(LAUGHS) So, I'll see you
tomorrow, then?
Uh, spiritually, 100%.
But physically, no, I will not be there
due to external and internal conflicts.
- That's too bad.
- But don't worry.
I'll be planting seeds of resistance
from within the system that,
in a couple generations,
will bloom into codified change.
I'm sorry, I didn't get
any of that over the music.
The streaker's back!
(WHOOPING)
LILA: It's a good day to be alive.
Look at all that side penis!
Yeah, and that's my sign to head out.
I'll see you tomorrow,
if you change your mind.
- Think on it.
- Okay, bye.
Like, how's this always happen? ♪
Last night, I threw up in my Uber ♪
BELA: I'm telling you,
each frat really does
have its own smell.
This one is socks,
skunked beer, habanero buffalo sauce.
Wow, that's spot-on.
I know. I can identify
any frat blindfolded.
I know you're joking,
but please never
go into a frat blindfolded.
(BOTH LAUGH)
We might be different kinds
of people ♪
Different kinds of people ♪
I Sorry. I, uh
- I don't know what I was doing.
- No, it's all good.
I've wanted to do that multiple times.
That was my first time kissing a girl.
Really?
Well, this is your second.
♪
BELA: Good morning, friends.
I have an important
announcement to make,
so thank you all for waking up so early.
- It's 11:00 a.m.
- Also, we've been awake.
You're the one who just got up.
Last night, I discovered
a new part of myself.
Part of myself I now know
has always been there
because I kissed a very special someone.
And that someone was
a woman.
That's right, I'm bi.
Bela, that's amazing.
Congrats. This is so exciting.
I'm so happy for you, Bela.
Thanks, guys.
So should we go get
some breakfast? I'm starving.
- Yes.
- Same.
Sorry, are we moving on?
I just told you guys
I'm coming out as
(EXHALES) bisexual.
Yeah, way to go, girl!
We should really get going,
if we want to get the good eggs.
- Oh.
- Yes.
No, no, no. What the fuck?
Does my queer journey mean
nothing to you people?
When Leighton came out,
you guys cried for like a full day.
Yeah, but that was different.
Leighton really went through so much.
Aw, I wish I'd been there for that,
she sounded so brave.
Ugh, whatever. I'll just find
someone else who gets it.
Trish! Get in here.
I have something important to tell you.
- What's up?
- I'm bi.
Sorry, you're not my type.
Whatever, let's just get
breakfast and eat some waffles.
Wait, waffles? Does that mean
the waffle machine is fixed?
- Are you serious?
- Now I am gonna cry.
("I'M GONNA DANCE" JITWAM
REMIX BY ASHA PUTHLI PLAYING)
Sorry I haven't read the love letter
you slipped under my door.
I couldn't find a knife
to cut the big wax seal.
Oh, don't worry.
But I have good news
about lunch today with my mom.
You can make it!
No, I can't, though.
I have squash with Brandon.
Well I DM'd him
and got him to move it.
You know, the squash courts
are here all the time,
but my mom is only here for 48 hours.
She has to go back to Charleston
because she's suing the doctor
- who redid her belly button.
- Right.
I-I just think it's a little early
for me to meet your family.
I mean, my whole family, sure,
but this is just my mom.
You won't meet the rest of them
until New Year's.
New Year's?
What's New Year's?
Okay. (CHUCKLES)
I didn't want to tell you yet,
but (SIGHS)
we have an extra ticket
to our family cruise.
Originally it was for my ex,
but we were able to transfer
the ticket to your name.
Isn't that so great?
For chivalry reasons,
you would be rooming
with my great-uncle Milton,
if he's still with us.
Kacey, I'm sorry, but this is too much.
We've only been dating
for like two minutes.
I don't think we're
on the same page here.
I think
maybe it's best if we ended things.
Cooper, please, don't do this right now.
I literally just lost
my virginity to you.
Yeah, but that's not really my fault.
I'm sorry, it's just,
it's not feeling right.
I'll see you later,
I guess, at rehearsal.
♪
BELA: Sorry I blew you
off so many times this week.
What's going on?
So the other night I got upset
and, um
I bought a handle of vodka.
Oh, my God, Taylor,
- I'm so sorry. I-I
- No. No, no, no, no, no.
No, it's okay. It's okay.
I didn't drink it.
That's why I wanted to talk to you.
So that I could thank you.
Thanks to you, I knew how to handle it.
I came back,
and I talked openly with Ash,
and then I went to a meeting
where I watched a newly sober woman
smoke two cigarettes at once.
(CHUCKLES)
Things could have gone bad,
but because of you,
I'm a stronger person.
I'm so proud of you.
(CHUCKLES)
I actually have something
to tell you, too.
I kissed a girl.
I'm bi.
Oh, but that's wonderful!
I can't say I'm completely surprised.
You do wear more neckties
than Steve Harvey.
- I really do.
- (LAUGHS)
I'm actually gonna doing
a big coming out announcement
at a storytelling show tonight.
Since you're here, I could actually
use your help cutting my performance
down from 35 minutes to four.
Oh, "no, thank you" to that,
but now I'm the one
who's proud of you.
Now tell me about this girl you kissed.
♪
(LOUD CHATTER)
Kimberly?
Eli! What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm here because this guy
is trash and he sucks.
Oh, I wish he was trash.
That way, we could just
put him on a barge
in the middle of the ocean.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I'm actually glad
that we ran into each other.
I feel like I owe you an apology.
For what?
Leaving me alone to die
the first time I did drugs?
That's exactly what I'm apologizing for.
But I also understand
why you broke up with me.
You were right, we were
really different people.
Well, for what it's worth,
I just dated a guy
who I thought was exactly like me,
and things turned out way worse.
Shit! You all right?
Yeah, I'm good.
Well would you ever want to catch up?
Hang out?
Yeah. That sounds nice.
Cool.
I'll, uh I'll see you around.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Kimberly!
- Hey!
- NOAH: You decided to come.
I did. And I brought this.
Oh, cool sign.
"No more racism, bigotry, or miso"?
I wanted to write misogyny,
but I ran out of room.
We got plenty of extra signs
that have, like,
you know, complete words on
them, if you want to borrow one.
Yeah. I would love that.
- (CHUCKLES) After you.
- (CHUCKLES)
♪
LARS: Okay.
This is cue 18.
Hit it. Hell, yeah.
- How does that look for you, Lars?
- Really good.
- DORFMANN: Really?
- Real good.
I was considering a softer pink gel,
but in the end,
a coral glow around her
really felt more fitting
Okay, we have forty more cues
and I stopped listening.
Moving on to the next scene, please.
Kacey, Cooper, take your marks.
And let's see the blocking, please.
(COOPER SIGHS)
Kacey, in this scene, your character is
singing a love song to Cooper,
not to the wall.
Please look at him.
Professor Dorfmann, can I please
speak with you privately for a moment?
What is going on?
I don't think I can do this right now.
Is there any way that Blair
can stand in for me?
What?! Why?
Because I can't look at Cooper.
We just broke up.
I promise that I'm gonna be
good for tonight.
I just, I'm just struggling right now.
Kacey, this is exactly why
I didn't want to give you
the role in the first place.
You think that you have
the emotional strength
to be a performer, but you just don't.
You project a pretty girl confidence
but, honey, it's hollow.
Hmm? It's fake.
I'm sorry, this
this simply isn't for you.
Blair?
You're taking Kacey's role.
(SHRIEKING): Yes!
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
Ooh, ooh ♪
I feel a little ♪
- Oh, yeah.
- (QUIETLY): Oh, shit.
I'm just cleaning out my locker.
I thought you were at practice.
You know, what you did was
really fucked up.
Why couldn't you have waited a
couple weeks for the season to be over?
You just ghost us
in the middle of the playoffs
without saying why?
It was really selfish.
Great feedback, Rina.
Well, that's everything.
Good luck tonight, guys.
Uh, thanks, but we don't need luck.
We have players who care about the team.
Oh, no, that's enough of that.
- Willow, don't.
- Sorry, but I got to.
This Woody from Toy Story lookalike
is not talking to you like that.
Whitney cares more
about this team than anybody.
She played on a fucked-up knee
when they pressured her to,
shooting her up with all these
pain meds just to get thru it.
And when the anxiety from all
that gave her a panic attack,
she couldn't have one damn
day off when she asked for it?
She deserves better.
WHITNEY: I'm sorry
I didn't tell you guys.
I wanted to. I just
I couldn't take on more stress.
Okay. Okay, great.
Does anyone else have anything
that they would like
to get off their chest?
Actually, yeah.
I'm gonna be a fifth-year senior
'cause soccer has made it impossible
for me to graduate in four.
I'm 23! I'm too old to be here.
It's not just soccer.
Our track and field coach
had me take shots, too.
She said, and I quote,
"Days off are for pussies."
- (MURMURED COMPLAINTS)
- Hey, guys? Gu
Can we, please, go back to focusing
on winning a championship?
Actually
I kind of want to hear
what everyone else has to say.
WILLOW: Damn.
Even Rina feels bad?
And she don't even like you, Wit.
♪
(OVERLAPPING CHANTING)
Sign five! Come on, it's like
a high five but with our signs.
Sign five. Up high.
- Sign five. Yeah.
- Yeah!
- (SIREN CHIRPS)
- Wait.
Why are the cops here?
Everybody, this protest is over.
Please disperse immediately.
Campus police, really?
Isn't this a little extreme?
We're standing on a lawn,
not robbing a bank.
If you don't leave now,
you will face disciplinary action.
You have no right to disperse
a peaceful protest.
We have the right
to freedom of expression
and peaceful dissent.
We're a private university.
It doesn't work like that.
Students who do not leave
immediately will face consequences,
including potential expulsion.
(OVERLAPPING DISAGREEMENTS)
What?
The First Amendment protects
free speech.
Not on private property.
So, what, the protest is just over?
They win by threatening us?
No, this isn't over.
If Essex wants to make their
own rules, then so can we.
Let's get out of here
and meet back up tonight.
What time?
♪
And the next thing I knew
the entire soccer team straight up quit.
urns out, everyone was
just as miserable as I was.
- Whitney, that's amazing!
- And it's not just the soccer team.
I've been getting DMs
from other athletes
who are just as pissed off.
Anyone from the men's diving team
or women's gymnastics?
They're the hottest,
so I do support them the most.
Should we go get dinner and celebrate
you sticking it to this school?
Sure, let me call Kacey
and see if she wants in.
Okay.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- Wait, she's here?
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
Kacey, what's wrong?
Cooper dumped me.
- I'm so sorry.
- What? He did?
Wait, what happened? I thought
things were going well.
They were. But, um
I think I convinced myself
that if I didn't sleep with him,
then I might lose him.
And then that happened anyway, so
Oh, Kacey
I think that it meant
more to me than it did to him.
And I really thought
that I was ready, but
I don't that think I was.
Kacey, I'm so sorry.
And now my mom just keeps calling
because she flew in to meet Cooper
and I have no idea what to tell her.
Wait, she's not here to see your show?
She doesn't care
about that kind of stuff.
I hate seeing you like this.
I mean, you're the most
confident person I know.
I'm not, though.
I feel like I'm never good enough
in the way that people want me to be.
(SNIFFLES) And it's easy
if you're one of those girls
who says "love yourself" but
what if you just don't?
- (CRYING)
- BELA: Who do you need me to slap?
Your mom? Cooper?
You don't have to choose, I can do both.
(LAUGHS)
KACEY: No. I just have to live
the rest of my life knowing
that my first time was
with someone who immediately
broke up with me.
Aw, Kacey, I get it.
It sucks that you lost your virginity
to someone who doesn't deserve it.
WHITNEY: But you know what?
Everyone's first time is bad.
- KIMBERLY: Yeah.
- It's true.
Do I regret losing my virginity? No.
Do I regret losing it
to a sweaty exchange student
who worked at my dad's
Subway shop for a summer?
Kind of.
- (GIGGLES)
- WHITNEY: I lost mine
at soccer camp to this guy named Rudy.
He tried to stick it in my belly button
and when he finished, he yelled "goal."
- No.
- Yeah. You think I'm proud of that?
(LAUGHTER)
KIMBERLY: My boyfriend dumped me, too,
after our first time.
And I thought my life was over.
But it turns out
he's the least hot guy
I've ever had sex with.
- Oh!
- So maybe losing your virginity is
supposed to be a stupid, weird mess.
So you actually did it perfectly.
(EXHALES)
I love you guys.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Oh.
(LAUGHING)
You'll forget what it's worth ♪
You've never looked better ♪
Suppressed and reserved. ♪
(CLAPPING)
HALEY: Now, please welcome
our next storyteller
to the stage, Bela Malhotra!
- (CHEERING)
- (CLAPPING)
Hey, guys. I'm Bela Malhotra.
Some of you might remember me
from my last show
where I ranked
30 cartoon characters in order
of how well-endowed
I think they might be.
- (LAUGHTER)
- But
(SIGHS) I want to be
a little bit more candid tonight.
You see, I recently discovered
something about myself,
and I wanted to
put it out there.
I realized
(MOUTHING)
I realized
I'm
uh, really good
at doing an impression of Siri.
(IMITATING SIRI):
Here are some fun facts
about the rainforest. (CHUCKLES)
Um, I actually don't know
any facts about the rainforest, so
Yeah, that's what I wanted
to share with you all.
Let's see, what else?
♪
So what's the plan?
Oh, I have a stink bomb.
I'm gonna run in there,
throw it at him, and say,
"Your policies stink
and now so do "
Oh, that is disgusting!
- It's leaking all over my backpack.
- KIMBERLY: Look.
The only way to win is to keep him
from spreading
more dangerous hate speech.
They're live-streaming the whole event.
We have to find a way to stop it.
I have an idea.
Seduce him and leak the tape?
I'll do it.
Bow, bow chicka wow it ♪
- Can you handle this? ♪
- Bow chicka wow it ♪
Bow-bow-bow chicka wow it ♪
These machines control
all of Essex's internet service.
Without them, they're not
live-streaming anything.
How'd you know about this?
Little fact about me?
If I don't know something yet,
I yearn to learn.
Sick. (CHUCKLES)
All right, let's fucking go.
♪
BELA: Mom, what are you doing here?
How did you even know
I was doing a show?
You posted about it.
I always follow your Instagram.
Not just those big square photos,
but also the little movies
that play when I push the circle.
I knew I had to be here.
Where's Arvind?
Doing homework, I hope?
Yeah, he-he couldn't make it.
Aw, too bad.
Oh, are those free snacks?
Oh, excuse me, honey, I raced here
straight from work and I haven't
had a chance to eat.
- Well, eat.
- Okay.
Hey, thanks again for inviting us.
It was, it was so much longer
than I thought it would be.
- Thank you.
- Did I miss something?
I didn't hear
you talk about being queer.
I was going to,
but then my mom surprised me.
I couldn't go through with it.
Can I tell you something? As a friend?
It looks like
you and your mom really love each other.
Yeah, she's great.
You're lucky.
My mom and I, we don't speak at all.
Last year, I went home for Christmas
and found out she had moved.
It was like the movie Home Alone,
but a very sad, British version.
I have a lot of follow-up questions.
That I'll ask later.
Bela just talk to her.
Wish I could talk to mine.
♪
(CHUCKLES)
♪
- I love for love ♪
- KIMBERLY: All right,
I think we've pulled or cut
every wire in this room.
Oh, my God, guys, it worked!
My Wi-Fi's off!
Essex internet servers,
you just got served!
Do not move!
Aw, fuck.
And we can be higher
than our hearts ♪
Thank you for coming back in, Whitney.
Would you care to explain
why everyone on the women's
soccer team has suddenly quit?
Honestly, I'd love to.
Turns out, I'm not the only one
with concerns
about the way this institution
treats its student athletes.
I'll be candid.
We're not thrilled
that your vendetta might cost
the school a historic accomplishment.
Respectfully I don't have a vendetta.
I think what's happening here
is that you all want
to ask me questions, but you
don't want to hear my answers.
Look, what I can tell you is,
there's only one way the soccer team
takes the field tonight,
and that's if you all
agree to make some major changes.
Such as?
There need to be limits
on training hours.
We need checks and balances in place
to prevent coaches
from abusing their power.
And an athletics board that acknowledges
mental health issues are just
as real as physical ones.
Well
that's a lot for us to consider.
We'll have to discuss
and get back to you.
Oh, no, those are just my concerns.
I brought some other people
who have their own demands.
Come on.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Who wants to talk first? Oh, okay.
- Willow's already sitting down.
- WILLOW: Buckle up.
Number one.
We don't want all-in-one body
wash and shampoo in the showers.
We want body wash and shampoo.
♪
And-and so I know that this
role means a lot to you, too, but
I really need to do this tonight.
Kacey, the role's yours.
Really? Thank you.
Oh, my God, no, I'm just so relieved
I don't have to do this tonight.
Kacey, I'm bad.
Like, I'm very, very bad.
I recorded myself singing earlier.
I sound like shit.
Well, thank you.
No, Kacey, thank you.
Oh, my God.
♪
My life is over.
Now that I now have a criminal
record, no top law school
will ever accept me.
- That's not true.
- It actually is.
I've worked my whole life
for this one thing,
and now it's just gone.
Oh, my God, I can't believe I did this.
Well, I don't regret any of it.
We did something tonight.
We stopped someone from saying
things that cause actual harm.
That's a tangible win.
Honestly, we should be celebrating.
The school's gonna sue us
for destruction of property.
We don't have to celebrate that part.
Look, all I'm trying to say is
maybe this is a sign
that you can make more real
progress from outside the system
than from within it.
So your life definitely isn't over.
Maybe it just changed.
The guy in the corner
keeps looking at me.
I can protect you. I'm not tall,
but I'm surprisingly strong.
(LOREN ALLRED'S "NEVER ENOUGH" PLAYING)
I'm trying to hold my breath ♪
Let it stay this way ♪
Can't let this moment end ♪
You set off a dream in me ♪
Getting louder now ♪
Can you hear it echoing? ♪
Take my hand ♪
Will you share this with me? ♪
'Cause darling, without you ♪
All the shine
of a thousand spotlights ♪
All the stars
we steal from the night sky ♪
Will never be enough ♪
Never be enough ♪
Towers of gold are still too little ♪
These hands could hold
the world but it'll ♪
Never be ♪
Enough ♪
Never be enough ♪
For me ♪
Never, never ♪
Never, never ♪
Yas, bitch.
- Shh.
- Excuse you?
That's my tiny friend up there.
Never enough ♪
Never enough ♪
Never ♪
Enough ♪
For me, for me ♪
For me ♪
- Yes!
- All the shine ♪
Of a thousand spotlights ♪
All the stars we steal
from the night sky ♪
Will never be enough ♪
Never be enough ♪
Towers of gold are still too little ♪
These hands could hold ♪
The world but it'll ♪
Never be enough, never be ♪
Enough ♪
For me ♪
Never, never ♪
Never, never ♪
- Never, for me ♪
- (MOUTHING)
For me, oh, never enough ♪
Never, never ♪
Never enough ♪
Never, never ♪
Never enough ♪
For me, for me ♪
For me ♪
For me. ♪
♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Bela, you seem so happy tonight.
It's because of the guy
sitting across from us.
He's serving us muscles like
we're at a goddamn seafood buffet. Mmm.
Actually, it's because
I'm starting to do comedy again,
and I think I finally found my voice?
- Bela.
- That's amazing.
Yeah, I feel like I've spent
so long trying to sound like
all these men I saw on late-night shows.
Turns out, my best muse
is a sex-positive brown woman.
- Myself.
- LILA: Go off, self-centered queen.
- You know it.
- WHITNEY: Yeah, I'm really glad
you're not letting the Arvind
breakup get you down.
Oh, no, not at all.
I actually have to move on.
For my craft. Hooking up is research.
And I will be doing a double PhD.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Well, speaking of hookup stories,
Cooper and I went all the way.
- You did?
- No, you didn't.
- How was it?
- It was amazing.
I hate to sex and tell,
but Cooper was the perfect gentleman,
and our thrusting
was completely in sync.
No slip-outs or anything.
(GASPS) That's impressive.
I'm pro-slip-out.
It provides a natural intermission.
- Oh, shit.
- What's wrong?
I just got an email
from the athletic board.
They want to meet with
me about quitting the team.
Ugh, I just want to be done
with this. I don't want it to be
- a whole big thing.
- KIMBERLY: I wouldn't worry about it.
You made a decision
for a really good reason,
and if they can't respect that,
then I would give them hell.
- I don't know.
- LILA: Sometimes,
giving people hell is the only way
to get what you want
Uh, for instance
Hey, Muscles.
Flex for me or live to regret it.
KIMBERLY: Oh, wow.
(LILA CHUCKLES) He's a good boy.
("MON CHERI" BY SOFI TUKKER PLAYING)
NOAH (OVER VIDEO): Congressman
Nathan Riggs is coming
to speak on campus.
It is completely unacceptable
that this school,
which claims to be for equality,
would give a platform
to someone so openly hateful.
FRIEDMAN: Oh, and I won't
be holding office hours today.
Not because I'm busy
but because I'm not in the mood.
Professor Friedman, can I just
talk to you for a second?
What do you think about Essex
letting Nathan Riggs
speak on campus?
- Oh, that guy's a turd.
- Right?
His hateful and regressive policies
go against everything
this place stands for.
Sure, but that's
a First Amendment issue.
Constitutionally speaking,
turds are protected.
Well, a bunch of students
are gonna protest,
and I think I'm gonna join them.
Protesting's a waste of time.
Uh, collective action only works
if it lasts for months,
and that almost never happens.
Oh, thanks for your unsolicited opinion.
Well, that was an insane take.
I actually agree with him.
Have you googled me?
- (GASPS) No.
- Well, if you had,
you'd come across a photo
from a newspaper article
from a queer protest in 1994,
where I was holding a sign
- that said, "Suck"
- "Suck My Lesbian Dick."
I-I lied. I have googled you many times.
I've seen that photo and I love it.
Is it okay that I said
"Suck My Lesbian Dick"?
Once is better than twice.
But anyway, that photo
is what lost me a clerkship
after law school.
What? That's so unfair.
- The world is unfair.
- STEVE: Oh, sweet.
Are office hours back on?
Uh, no. Not for you.
(SIGHS) Anyway,
protect future Kimberly.
We need her.
♪
BELA: Hey, stranger.
Back from your fancy
off-campus housing so soon?
Yeah. I woke up this morning
and thought, "I simply must
see all those people
I work hard to avoid."
(CHUCKLES)
Can I, uh, talk to you for a second?
Sorry, I'm swamped. I've been
working on my own stuff
and now I have 53 student
complaint forms to deal with.
Eight are from Norman.
Well, excuse me
for being a light sleeper
who doesn't like it when people ignore
our suite's chore wheel,
or rename it the "chode wheel."
- (LAUGHS) "Chode."
- I laughed, too.
Which was so wrong.
Can I find you later?
Yeah. Yeah.
It was, it was nothing anyway.
Okay, Norman, how can I be most helpful?
I want the upperclassman boy next door
to keep his music down.
That I can do.
("MY BED" BY LEAH KATE PLAYING LOUDLY)
(SIGHS)
Okay, that is kind of loud.
Excuse me, can you turn it down?
I'm a FAF, so if you don't turn it down,
I'm gonna have to let myself in!
- Okay, I'm coming in.
- Don't know how to stop ♪
I just can't get you out of my bed ♪
You're so bad ♪
But I just can't help myself ♪
Say goodbye then I do it again ♪
I should quit, but your lips ♪
Got me high as hell, like ♪
- La, la, la. ♪
- (MUSIC STOPS)
Hello?
(EXHALES)
What the fuck?
Like la, la, la ♪
AMY: Thank you for coming in, Whitney.
We wanted to check in
and ask why one of our best athletes
decided to quit her team right
in the middle of playoffs.
Honestly?
There was this toxic hustle culture
that just kept requiring
more and more of me,
and eventually,
it just got to be too much,
so I decided not to be
part of it anymore.
Good for you.
So, what can we do to get you
back out on that field?
Score some goals?
Wait, is that what this is about?
I can't play. I have a knee
injury I'm trying to heal.
An injury where I was encouraged to take
a cortisone shot
to play through the pain.
Well, um, our records show
that you requested that shot.
Technically, yes,
but it didn't feel like
I had much of a choice.
Not according to the team doctor.
I'm sorry, are you here to listen to me
or just tell me your version
of my experience?
Whitney, we all want
the same thing here.
For you and your teammates to win
the first ever Essex Women's
soccer championship.
Okay, I'm sorry, but
I'm no longer a student athlete
at this school,
so we're done here.
But I really hope you listen better
to the next girl
that sits in this chair.
I like the way you kiss me ♪
I like the way you, uh ♪
- (CHEERING)
- I like the way you kiss me ♪
I can tell you miss me ♪
I can tell it hits, hits ♪
- Hello!
- (CHEERING)
Welcome to my favorite party
of the year.
Last year, there was a streaker
in the ball pit.
I saw a whole lot of butt
and a fair amount of side penis.
You would've loved it.
Right. Should we go to the bar?
I want to get Cooper his favorite drink:
a cold beer.
- Isn't he so manly?
- KIMBERLY: Mm-hmm.
(LAUGHTER)
That girl is falling for him hard.
- It's cute. I'm happy for her.
- How'd your meeting go?
Ooh, bad. Yeah. But that's a good thing.
I now know I made
the right decision by quitting.
Hell yes, you did.
And your snatched body
deserves a hobby with
a much more flattering outfit,
like wrestling or speed skating.
- Do you speed skate?
- No.
- You should start.
- I'm excited to figure out what to do with
all my new free time. Maybe I'll
take up hiking or volunteering.
Ew.
Honestly, no, I'll probably
just look at my phone more.
Yeah, you know
that's what you like to do.
Of course I do
Aww, you guys are such a cute couple.
You really inspire me.
There are a lot of fine men
in the ball pit.
I'm gonna go jump in
and see where my hands land.
- (LAUGHS)
- All right.
(CHEERING)
No, he had a VR headset on.
He had no idea I was watching him.
It was like studying the ideal version
of the male human body.
His V-lines were so deep,
- like a "V" in a bold font.
- (LAUGHS)
I think I might include him
in my next show.
You should, and hey, maybe ask him out.
BELA: I don't know.
I mean, would I hook up
with him? Of course.
But in terms of dating and people
I would take seriously,
I think I'm starting to learn
I'd rather start by liking
someone's personality
and feeling a connection
as opposed to just, like,
a perfect face, jaw, abs, pecs,
quads, calves and butt.
Oh, for sure. You could hook up
with the hottest stranger in the world,
but it'd feel like an empty
experience once it's over.
But when you feel an actual connection?
It's next-level. Or so I've been told.
Sadly, I'm just a hot stranger
people have sex with.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
("OUTRAGES OUTRO" BY GRAYSON PLAYING)
♪
I love that we're at that stage
in the relationship
where we can be comfortable
in long, silent eye contact.
Yeah. I'm not really sure this qualifies
as silence, though;
the drunk guy behind me
keeps listing off words
that rhyme with "taint."
GUY: Saint! Paint! Self-restraint!
Oh, so, um, my mom is
coming into town for the show,
and I told her that we could
get lunch after rehearsal
so that she can meet you.
Yeah, yeah, that could be fun.
- Yeah.
- Uh, just, Brandon and I,
we have plans to play squash.
Well, if you're nervous about
meeting my mom, don't worry,
she's really fun.
Especially now that she stopped
intermittent fasting.
No, I'm sure, I-I'd love to meet her.
It's just, the courts,
they have this really strict
cancellation policy.
It's iron-clad.
Oh. Yeah, got it.
Totally understand. (CHUCKLES)
(EXHALES) So, where were we?
Oh, right.
Comfortable silence.
- (WHOOPS)
- (SCREAMS)
- (GRUNTING)
- Yeah!
Are you okay? Oh, my God.
♪
Are you in line for the ball pit?
Oh, absolutely not.
It's important to me to know
that the person I'm talking to
- is wearing pants.
- (LAUGHS)
I'm Noah, by the way. Have-have we met?
Not yet, I'm Kimberly.
I recognize you from your posts
protesting against Nathan Riggs.
We feel the same way about him.
Yeah, my opinion of him
is that he's a piece of shit.
(CHUCKLES) Well, thanks for standing up
against misogyny and transphobia.
- Don't forget racism.
- Oh, I never forget racism.
(LAUGHS) So, I'll see you
tomorrow, then?
Uh, spiritually, 100%.
But physically, no, I will not be there
due to external and internal conflicts.
- That's too bad.
- But don't worry.
I'll be planting seeds of resistance
from within the system that,
in a couple generations,
will bloom into codified change.
I'm sorry, I didn't get
any of that over the music.
The streaker's back!
(WHOOPING)
LILA: It's a good day to be alive.
Look at all that side penis!
Yeah, and that's my sign to head out.
I'll see you tomorrow,
if you change your mind.
- Think on it.
- Okay, bye.
Like, how's this always happen? ♪
Last night, I threw up in my Uber ♪
BELA: I'm telling you,
each frat really does
have its own smell.
This one is socks,
skunked beer, habanero buffalo sauce.
Wow, that's spot-on.
I know. I can identify
any frat blindfolded.
I know you're joking,
but please never
go into a frat blindfolded.
(BOTH LAUGH)
We might be different kinds
of people ♪
Different kinds of people ♪
I Sorry. I, uh
- I don't know what I was doing.
- No, it's all good.
I've wanted to do that multiple times.
That was my first time kissing a girl.
Really?
Well, this is your second.
♪
BELA: Good morning, friends.
I have an important
announcement to make,
so thank you all for waking up so early.
- It's 11:00 a.m.
- Also, we've been awake.
You're the one who just got up.
Last night, I discovered
a new part of myself.
Part of myself I now know
has always been there
because I kissed a very special someone.
And that someone was
a woman.
That's right, I'm bi.
Bela, that's amazing.
Congrats. This is so exciting.
I'm so happy for you, Bela.
Thanks, guys.
So should we go get
some breakfast? I'm starving.
- Yes.
- Same.
Sorry, are we moving on?
I just told you guys
I'm coming out as
(EXHALES) bisexual.
Yeah, way to go, girl!
We should really get going,
if we want to get the good eggs.
- Oh.
- Yes.
No, no, no. What the fuck?
Does my queer journey mean
nothing to you people?
When Leighton came out,
you guys cried for like a full day.
Yeah, but that was different.
Leighton really went through so much.
Aw, I wish I'd been there for that,
she sounded so brave.
Ugh, whatever. I'll just find
someone else who gets it.
Trish! Get in here.
I have something important to tell you.
- What's up?
- I'm bi.
Sorry, you're not my type.
Whatever, let's just get
breakfast and eat some waffles.
Wait, waffles? Does that mean
the waffle machine is fixed?
- Are you serious?
- Now I am gonna cry.
("I'M GONNA DANCE" JITWAM
REMIX BY ASHA PUTHLI PLAYING)
Sorry I haven't read the love letter
you slipped under my door.
I couldn't find a knife
to cut the big wax seal.
Oh, don't worry.
But I have good news
about lunch today with my mom.
You can make it!
No, I can't, though.
I have squash with Brandon.
Well I DM'd him
and got him to move it.
You know, the squash courts
are here all the time,
but my mom is only here for 48 hours.
She has to go back to Charleston
because she's suing the doctor
- who redid her belly button.
- Right.
I-I just think it's a little early
for me to meet your family.
I mean, my whole family, sure,
but this is just my mom.
You won't meet the rest of them
until New Year's.
New Year's?
What's New Year's?
Okay. (CHUCKLES)
I didn't want to tell you yet,
but (SIGHS)
we have an extra ticket
to our family cruise.
Originally it was for my ex,
but we were able to transfer
the ticket to your name.
Isn't that so great?
For chivalry reasons,
you would be rooming
with my great-uncle Milton,
if he's still with us.
Kacey, I'm sorry, but this is too much.
We've only been dating
for like two minutes.
I don't think we're
on the same page here.
I think
maybe it's best if we ended things.
Cooper, please, don't do this right now.
I literally just lost
my virginity to you.
Yeah, but that's not really my fault.
I'm sorry, it's just,
it's not feeling right.
I'll see you later,
I guess, at rehearsal.
♪
BELA: Sorry I blew you
off so many times this week.
What's going on?
So the other night I got upset
and, um
I bought a handle of vodka.
Oh, my God, Taylor,
- I'm so sorry. I-I
- No. No, no, no, no, no.
No, it's okay. It's okay.
I didn't drink it.
That's why I wanted to talk to you.
So that I could thank you.
Thanks to you, I knew how to handle it.
I came back,
and I talked openly with Ash,
and then I went to a meeting
where I watched a newly sober woman
smoke two cigarettes at once.
(CHUCKLES)
Things could have gone bad,
but because of you,
I'm a stronger person.
I'm so proud of you.
(CHUCKLES)
I actually have something
to tell you, too.
I kissed a girl.
I'm bi.
Oh, but that's wonderful!
I can't say I'm completely surprised.
You do wear more neckties
than Steve Harvey.
- I really do.
- (LAUGHS)
I'm actually gonna doing
a big coming out announcement
at a storytelling show tonight.
Since you're here, I could actually
use your help cutting my performance
down from 35 minutes to four.
Oh, "no, thank you" to that,
but now I'm the one
who's proud of you.
Now tell me about this girl you kissed.
♪
(LOUD CHATTER)
Kimberly?
Eli! What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm here because this guy
is trash and he sucks.
Oh, I wish he was trash.
That way, we could just
put him on a barge
in the middle of the ocean.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I'm actually glad
that we ran into each other.
I feel like I owe you an apology.
For what?
Leaving me alone to die
the first time I did drugs?
That's exactly what I'm apologizing for.
But I also understand
why you broke up with me.
You were right, we were
really different people.
Well, for what it's worth,
I just dated a guy
who I thought was exactly like me,
and things turned out way worse.
Shit! You all right?
Yeah, I'm good.
Well would you ever want to catch up?
Hang out?
Yeah. That sounds nice.
Cool.
I'll, uh I'll see you around.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Kimberly!
- Hey!
- NOAH: You decided to come.
I did. And I brought this.
Oh, cool sign.
"No more racism, bigotry, or miso"?
I wanted to write misogyny,
but I ran out of room.
We got plenty of extra signs
that have, like,
you know, complete words on
them, if you want to borrow one.
Yeah. I would love that.
- (CHUCKLES) After you.
- (CHUCKLES)
♪
LARS: Okay.
This is cue 18.
Hit it. Hell, yeah.
- How does that look for you, Lars?
- Really good.
- DORFMANN: Really?
- Real good.
I was considering a softer pink gel,
but in the end,
a coral glow around her
really felt more fitting
Okay, we have forty more cues
and I stopped listening.
Moving on to the next scene, please.
Kacey, Cooper, take your marks.
And let's see the blocking, please.
(COOPER SIGHS)
Kacey, in this scene, your character is
singing a love song to Cooper,
not to the wall.
Please look at him.
Professor Dorfmann, can I please
speak with you privately for a moment?
What is going on?
I don't think I can do this right now.
Is there any way that Blair
can stand in for me?
What?! Why?
Because I can't look at Cooper.
We just broke up.
I promise that I'm gonna be
good for tonight.
I just, I'm just struggling right now.
Kacey, this is exactly why
I didn't want to give you
the role in the first place.
You think that you have
the emotional strength
to be a performer, but you just don't.
You project a pretty girl confidence
but, honey, it's hollow.
Hmm? It's fake.
I'm sorry, this
this simply isn't for you.
Blair?
You're taking Kacey's role.
(SHRIEKING): Yes!
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
Ooh, ooh ♪
I feel a little ♪
- Oh, yeah.
- (QUIETLY): Oh, shit.
I'm just cleaning out my locker.
I thought you were at practice.
You know, what you did was
really fucked up.
Why couldn't you have waited a
couple weeks for the season to be over?
You just ghost us
in the middle of the playoffs
without saying why?
It was really selfish.
Great feedback, Rina.
Well, that's everything.
Good luck tonight, guys.
Uh, thanks, but we don't need luck.
We have players who care about the team.
Oh, no, that's enough of that.
- Willow, don't.
- Sorry, but I got to.
This Woody from Toy Story lookalike
is not talking to you like that.
Whitney cares more
about this team than anybody.
She played on a fucked-up knee
when they pressured her to,
shooting her up with all these
pain meds just to get thru it.
And when the anxiety from all
that gave her a panic attack,
she couldn't have one damn
day off when she asked for it?
She deserves better.
WHITNEY: I'm sorry
I didn't tell you guys.
I wanted to. I just
I couldn't take on more stress.
Okay. Okay, great.
Does anyone else have anything
that they would like
to get off their chest?
Actually, yeah.
I'm gonna be a fifth-year senior
'cause soccer has made it impossible
for me to graduate in four.
I'm 23! I'm too old to be here.
It's not just soccer.
Our track and field coach
had me take shots, too.
She said, and I quote,
"Days off are for pussies."
- (MURMURED COMPLAINTS)
- Hey, guys? Gu
Can we, please, go back to focusing
on winning a championship?
Actually
I kind of want to hear
what everyone else has to say.
WILLOW: Damn.
Even Rina feels bad?
And she don't even like you, Wit.
♪
(OVERLAPPING CHANTING)
Sign five! Come on, it's like
a high five but with our signs.
Sign five. Up high.
- Sign five. Yeah.
- Yeah!
- (SIREN CHIRPS)
- Wait.
Why are the cops here?
Everybody, this protest is over.
Please disperse immediately.
Campus police, really?
Isn't this a little extreme?
We're standing on a lawn,
not robbing a bank.
If you don't leave now,
you will face disciplinary action.
You have no right to disperse
a peaceful protest.
We have the right
to freedom of expression
and peaceful dissent.
We're a private university.
It doesn't work like that.
Students who do not leave
immediately will face consequences,
including potential expulsion.
(OVERLAPPING DISAGREEMENTS)
What?
The First Amendment protects
free speech.
Not on private property.
So, what, the protest is just over?
They win by threatening us?
No, this isn't over.
If Essex wants to make their
own rules, then so can we.
Let's get out of here
and meet back up tonight.
What time?
♪
And the next thing I knew
the entire soccer team straight up quit.
urns out, everyone was
just as miserable as I was.
- Whitney, that's amazing!
- And it's not just the soccer team.
I've been getting DMs
from other athletes
who are just as pissed off.
Anyone from the men's diving team
or women's gymnastics?
They're the hottest,
so I do support them the most.
Should we go get dinner and celebrate
you sticking it to this school?
Sure, let me call Kacey
and see if she wants in.
Okay.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- Wait, she's here?
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
Kacey, what's wrong?
Cooper dumped me.
- I'm so sorry.
- What? He did?
Wait, what happened? I thought
things were going well.
They were. But, um
I think I convinced myself
that if I didn't sleep with him,
then I might lose him.
And then that happened anyway, so
Oh, Kacey
I think that it meant
more to me than it did to him.
And I really thought
that I was ready, but
I don't that think I was.
Kacey, I'm so sorry.
And now my mom just keeps calling
because she flew in to meet Cooper
and I have no idea what to tell her.
Wait, she's not here to see your show?
She doesn't care
about that kind of stuff.
I hate seeing you like this.
I mean, you're the most
confident person I know.
I'm not, though.
I feel like I'm never good enough
in the way that people want me to be.
(SNIFFLES) And it's easy
if you're one of those girls
who says "love yourself" but
what if you just don't?
- (CRYING)
- BELA: Who do you need me to slap?
Your mom? Cooper?
You don't have to choose, I can do both.
(LAUGHS)
KACEY: No. I just have to live
the rest of my life knowing
that my first time was
with someone who immediately
broke up with me.
Aw, Kacey, I get it.
It sucks that you lost your virginity
to someone who doesn't deserve it.
WHITNEY: But you know what?
Everyone's first time is bad.
- KIMBERLY: Yeah.
- It's true.
Do I regret losing my virginity? No.
Do I regret losing it
to a sweaty exchange student
who worked at my dad's
Subway shop for a summer?
Kind of.
- (GIGGLES)
- WHITNEY: I lost mine
at soccer camp to this guy named Rudy.
He tried to stick it in my belly button
and when he finished, he yelled "goal."
- No.
- Yeah. You think I'm proud of that?
(LAUGHTER)
KIMBERLY: My boyfriend dumped me, too,
after our first time.
And I thought my life was over.
But it turns out
he's the least hot guy
I've ever had sex with.
- Oh!
- So maybe losing your virginity is
supposed to be a stupid, weird mess.
So you actually did it perfectly.
(EXHALES)
I love you guys.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Oh.
(LAUGHING)
You'll forget what it's worth ♪
You've never looked better ♪
Suppressed and reserved. ♪
(CLAPPING)
HALEY: Now, please welcome
our next storyteller
to the stage, Bela Malhotra!
- (CHEERING)
- (CLAPPING)
Hey, guys. I'm Bela Malhotra.
Some of you might remember me
from my last show
where I ranked
30 cartoon characters in order
of how well-endowed
I think they might be.
- (LAUGHTER)
- But
(SIGHS) I want to be
a little bit more candid tonight.
You see, I recently discovered
something about myself,
and I wanted to
put it out there.
I realized
(MOUTHING)
I realized
I'm
uh, really good
at doing an impression of Siri.
(IMITATING SIRI):
Here are some fun facts
about the rainforest. (CHUCKLES)
Um, I actually don't know
any facts about the rainforest, so
Yeah, that's what I wanted
to share with you all.
Let's see, what else?
♪
So what's the plan?
Oh, I have a stink bomb.
I'm gonna run in there,
throw it at him, and say,
"Your policies stink
and now so do "
Oh, that is disgusting!
- It's leaking all over my backpack.
- KIMBERLY: Look.
The only way to win is to keep him
from spreading
more dangerous hate speech.
They're live-streaming the whole event.
We have to find a way to stop it.
I have an idea.
Seduce him and leak the tape?
I'll do it.
Bow, bow chicka wow it ♪
- Can you handle this? ♪
- Bow chicka wow it ♪
Bow-bow-bow chicka wow it ♪
These machines control
all of Essex's internet service.
Without them, they're not
live-streaming anything.
How'd you know about this?
Little fact about me?
If I don't know something yet,
I yearn to learn.
Sick. (CHUCKLES)
All right, let's fucking go.
♪
BELA: Mom, what are you doing here?
How did you even know
I was doing a show?
You posted about it.
I always follow your Instagram.
Not just those big square photos,
but also the little movies
that play when I push the circle.
I knew I had to be here.
Where's Arvind?
Doing homework, I hope?
Yeah, he-he couldn't make it.
Aw, too bad.
Oh, are those free snacks?
Oh, excuse me, honey, I raced here
straight from work and I haven't
had a chance to eat.
- Well, eat.
- Okay.
Hey, thanks again for inviting us.
It was, it was so much longer
than I thought it would be.
- Thank you.
- Did I miss something?
I didn't hear
you talk about being queer.
I was going to,
but then my mom surprised me.
I couldn't go through with it.
Can I tell you something? As a friend?
It looks like
you and your mom really love each other.
Yeah, she's great.
You're lucky.
My mom and I, we don't speak at all.
Last year, I went home for Christmas
and found out she had moved.
It was like the movie Home Alone,
but a very sad, British version.
I have a lot of follow-up questions.
That I'll ask later.
Bela just talk to her.
Wish I could talk to mine.
♪
(CHUCKLES)
♪
- I love for love ♪
- KIMBERLY: All right,
I think we've pulled or cut
every wire in this room.
Oh, my God, guys, it worked!
My Wi-Fi's off!
Essex internet servers,
you just got served!
Do not move!
Aw, fuck.
And we can be higher
than our hearts ♪
Thank you for coming back in, Whitney.
Would you care to explain
why everyone on the women's
soccer team has suddenly quit?
Honestly, I'd love to.
Turns out, I'm not the only one
with concerns
about the way this institution
treats its student athletes.
I'll be candid.
We're not thrilled
that your vendetta might cost
the school a historic accomplishment.
Respectfully I don't have a vendetta.
I think what's happening here
is that you all want
to ask me questions, but you
don't want to hear my answers.
Look, what I can tell you is,
there's only one way the soccer team
takes the field tonight,
and that's if you all
agree to make some major changes.
Such as?
There need to be limits
on training hours.
We need checks and balances in place
to prevent coaches
from abusing their power.
And an athletics board that acknowledges
mental health issues are just
as real as physical ones.
Well
that's a lot for us to consider.
We'll have to discuss
and get back to you.
Oh, no, those are just my concerns.
I brought some other people
who have their own demands.
Come on.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Who wants to talk first? Oh, okay.
- Willow's already sitting down.
- WILLOW: Buckle up.
Number one.
We don't want all-in-one body
wash and shampoo in the showers.
We want body wash and shampoo.
♪
And-and so I know that this
role means a lot to you, too, but
I really need to do this tonight.
Kacey, the role's yours.
Really? Thank you.
Oh, my God, no, I'm just so relieved
I don't have to do this tonight.
Kacey, I'm bad.
Like, I'm very, very bad.
I recorded myself singing earlier.
I sound like shit.
Well, thank you.
No, Kacey, thank you.
Oh, my God.
♪
My life is over.
Now that I now have a criminal
record, no top law school
will ever accept me.
- That's not true.
- It actually is.
I've worked my whole life
for this one thing,
and now it's just gone.
Oh, my God, I can't believe I did this.
Well, I don't regret any of it.
We did something tonight.
We stopped someone from saying
things that cause actual harm.
That's a tangible win.
Honestly, we should be celebrating.
The school's gonna sue us
for destruction of property.
We don't have to celebrate that part.
Look, all I'm trying to say is
maybe this is a sign
that you can make more real
progress from outside the system
than from within it.
So your life definitely isn't over.
Maybe it just changed.
The guy in the corner
keeps looking at me.
I can protect you. I'm not tall,
but I'm surprisingly strong.
(LOREN ALLRED'S "NEVER ENOUGH" PLAYING)
I'm trying to hold my breath ♪
Let it stay this way ♪
Can't let this moment end ♪
You set off a dream in me ♪
Getting louder now ♪
Can you hear it echoing? ♪
Take my hand ♪
Will you share this with me? ♪
'Cause darling, without you ♪
All the shine
of a thousand spotlights ♪
All the stars
we steal from the night sky ♪
Will never be enough ♪
Never be enough ♪
Towers of gold are still too little ♪
These hands could hold
the world but it'll ♪
Never be ♪
Enough ♪
Never be enough ♪
For me ♪
Never, never ♪
Never, never ♪
Yas, bitch.
- Shh.
- Excuse you?
That's my tiny friend up there.
Never enough ♪
Never enough ♪
Never ♪
Enough ♪
For me, for me ♪
For me ♪
- Yes!
- All the shine ♪
Of a thousand spotlights ♪
All the stars we steal
from the night sky ♪
Will never be enough ♪
Never be enough ♪
Towers of gold are still too little ♪
These hands could hold ♪
The world but it'll ♪
Never be enough, never be ♪
Enough ♪
For me ♪
Never, never ♪
Never, never ♪
- Never, for me ♪
- (MOUTHING)
For me, oh, never enough ♪
Never, never ♪
Never enough ♪
Never, never ♪
Never enough ♪
For me, for me ♪
For me ♪
For me. ♪
♪