The Wild Wild West (1965) s03e10 Episode Script

Take it on through.
Hurry it up! Move it out! Keep to that wagon, ma'am.
Move it, now.
Take it on through.
Hurry up.
Come on, move it out.
Come on, move that.
Hurry it up.
What are you all, a bunch of wind-up toys? Is that all you can say, "Hurry up and move on"? Come on, Mom.
Sorry, ma'am.
Why? Ain't there no answers for folk? The trooper is only doing his job, ma'am.
Then maybe you can tell me.
I always sort of figured the government was set up to help out folks, not kick them out of the houses they were born in and the towns they were raised in.
The only thing we can tell you, is that it would be dangerous to stay on in Tonka Flats.
Okay, that's- That's the last of 'em.
Let's go.
Bonnie? Where's my little girl? She was right here, Ma.
Artie, take care of the mother.
Hyah! The gray one! It's all right.
He'll get her.
Bonnie? Bonnie? Bonnie? Hiya, Bonnie.
Let's take your duck and go play someplace else, huh? Come on.
Thattagirl.
Colonel.
General, meet Mr.
West, Mr.
Gordon.
How do you do, sir? How do? General Lassiter, chief of the United States ordinance.
How do you do, general? Won't you sit down, sir? Thank you.
Well, gentlemen, I've just come from the Tonka Flats crater.
And I still don't believe what I saw.
One shell did all that? You're positive? Absolutely, sir.
Just one shell.
All right.
Well, I want that cannon, wherever it is.
Colonel, I'm going to deploy enough men, a brigade if necessary, to comb all that ground until I get it.
No, sir.
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
You may find a cannon and lose a city.
Last week, the state department received a letter in the mail, signed "The Falcon," demanding $1 million as a down payment, or else the city of Denver quite simply would cease to exist.
Well, go on.
The next day, the department received a follow-up note from The Falcon, announcing that at precisely 12:00, by some meaningful demonstration, the town of Tonka Flats would be obliterated.
All right.
So now we know where we are.
Somewhere there's a cannon that can spell the difference between heaven or hell for the entire country.
How do you propose to get it? Well, I have no idea, general, but I'm sure that, uh, Mr.
West and Mr.
Gordon will find a way.
Hyah! Jim, I think I found some very interesting developments on those shell fragments- You're not Jim, are you? Alas, no, señor.
But do not let that stop you.
Tell me about these interesting developments.
Oh, I wouldn't think of boring you, señor.
Oh, ho-ho-ho.
Please.
Bore me, señor.
Well, well, how can I resist a request made in such a charming manner? Uh, to begin with, señor, this is what is known as a shell fragment, you see.
No, señor.
Neither of us can afford the luxury of wasting precious time.
Let me put into words what we both know.
We have received from The Falcon an invitation to witness an extraordinary demonstration.
Are we agreed? Well, it was rather interesting, yes.
And we will be asked to pay through the nose for his product.
Agreed again? It would be childish to think otherwise.
Hm.
So we come to the heart of my proposal.
I have observed you carrying souvenirs away from the crater.
And it is my conclusion that you have discovered The Falcon's secret, and I want to share it with you.
I see.
What would-? What would you think if I were to tell you that I'm completely baffled? In Cádiz once, a very careless fellow made the mistake of jostling me, and my friend here took off both his ears before he even knew what had happened.
Now, you were saying? Uh, in order for me to demonstrate what I've discovered, it- It will be necessary for me to turn up that burner.
Uh, if I may? It'll be my pleasure to do it for you.
Please.
Do you notice the telltale greenish glow of that metal when exposed to the flame? Need I say more? Exactly what does that mean? Well, that's the classic blender-detry action.
It indicates the presence of framus bodies in the molecular structure.
Well, you know what that means, don't you? Well, no, I You tell me, señor, and do not delay.
I would be delighted to.
Actually, it's quite simple.
You see, the framus bodies are constantly interreacting with the pyrite formations in the metal, resulting in a greater polarization of the hypotenuse, which the square of, as everybody knows, is equal to the sum of- Señor! My friend thinks that perhaps you are enjoying yourself at our expense.
Perhaps if you were to lose an ear you might hear better and- I, um- I'd like you to meet my friend now, señor.
Uh, Jim, this is, uh- Isn't that funny? You never got around to giving me your name.
Oh, it was an oversight.
Please forgive me.
Felice Munez, at your service.
And please note, I speak for the Barcelona syndicate.
Ah, of course.
Uh, señor Munez is also here at the invitation of The Falcon, Jim.
Or so he says.
How do we know you're who you say you are? Oh, you're testing me, eh, señores? Very well.
All right.
Now, one month ago, my syndicate received a note from a man who calls himself "The Falcon.
" As you know, he claims to have perfected the most powerful weapon in history, and it is for sale.
So to paraphrase the immortal Caesar, I came to Tonka Flats, I saw the demonstration, I was conquered.
Where were you supposed to meet The Falcon? Well, the instructions were that we were to be contacted by an agent who was- Well, scratch one Spanish gentleman from the wrong side of the tracks.
And one would-be assassin.
Good things seem to run in pairs.
We- We were the ones that he was after.
You realize that, of course.
No, not him? Uh-uh.
It'd be interesting to know why.
Señor Munez here seemed to think that I had found out the secret of the Tonka Flats cannon shell.
Did you? No, I didn't.
All I found was the presence of a couple of chemicals that no had no business being in an artillery shell.
That's all.
Beyond that, I can't ima- Wait a minute.
What is it? It's a prescription, believe it or not.
Asafetida and hot dandelion wine.
That's an old-fashioned country remedy for colds.
That's odd.
He didn't seem to have a cold, Artie.
No, he didn't.
Wait a minute.
Here's something else that's odd.
Come on.
Yeah, that's just as I thought.
Look.
There's Sinful, Colorado, right smack in the middle of an arc that connects Salidas, Rome Plateau, and Tonka Flats.
This could be the source of something we're looking for.
Right.
You wanna try this on for size, Jim? That's not just a prescription.
That's an invitation from a Falcon.
Isn't that extraordinary? To think that your destination, like mine, is the town of Sinful.
Tell me, might a gentleman inquire for why so a So-? So lovely a señorita is going to such a town for? Why shouldn't I be going to Sinful? It's my hometown, señor, uh? Munez.
Felice Munez.
How do you do? I'm Lana Benson.
Encantado, señorita.
Señor, isn't that extraordinary? Huh? About the señorita and me? Not really.
I, for instance, am also traveling to Sinful.
No.
That is extraordinary, señor, eh Arliss Heindorf, from Dusseldorf.
I'm a commercial traveler in heavy castings.
Ah.
And I- I am touring this glorious West.
You know, I read about this town with the charming name of "Sinful," and call it a whim if you will, I had to see it for myself.
We're coming to a town.
Will we be stopping? We'll probably take on some passengers.
Whoa! A bit of a furnace, isn't it? Anyone got the foggiest how much farther it is to Sinful? No! Are you-? Are you going-? Is that your destination, señores? That is extraordinary! My name is Munez, this is señorita Benson, and that is señor Heindorf, and we are all going to Sinful too.
I am Serville Balya.
Constantinople.
Ah.
Fine linens, flaxen goods.
Third generation.
Family-owned firm.
Uh-huh.
Oh, charmed, I'm sure.
Clive Marchmount here.
Out of Manchester.
Been a little peaky.
Traveling for me health, you might say.
Patience.
Patience out there.
What are you selling, young man? Nothing.
I'm here in need of medical attention.
Well, that's better.
Just come on in.
Sit right over there.
Thank you, doctor.
Oh, thank you.
People always wasting my time with sicknesses that hadn't even been invented yet.
Let's hope there's nothing fancy wrong with you.
Oh, nothing fancy, doctor.
Just a- Just a cold.
Really? Tongue out.
Tongue in.
Absolutely no sign of a cold.
I'm sure there's something you can prescribe for me.
Prescribe a prescription? Well, you just go on home and put another blanket on your bed and drink a good hot rum toddy.
And good evening to you.
But don't you usually prescribe asafetida and hot dandelion wine? Who told you that? Oh, I don't know.
Someone who had a cold once, I guess.
Well, where are you staying? Nowhere.
I just got in town.
I'm looking for a hotel room.
Oh, good.
Uh, well, you ask for room 28.
It's free from drafts, has a good sunny view.
It's perfect for someone in your condition.
Uh, your name, sir? James West.
Very well, Mr.
West.
I'll send a prescription over later on.
Oh, thank you, doctor.
Bye.
Well, goodbye, gentlemen.
I hope you'll enjoy your stay here in Sinful.
Thank you very much, señorita, and may I venture to hazard the hope that it will be my good fortune to meet with you again.
Oh, thank you.
Colorful group that just walked in.
They're all here for The Falcon's merchandise.
Yeah, it figures there would be a lot of takers for that commodity.
See Humphries yet? Mm-hm.
He has two different prescriptions for a cold.
He could be The Falcon's contact man.
Mmm.
I'll have an attack of sinus.
May I suggest the renowned Dr.
Humphries? He gives immediate relief.
Thank you, señor.
Señorita Benson.
Ah, what a fortunate night this is for me to see you again and get the doctor's prescription filled all at the same time.
You're not in pain, I hope.
Oh, as soon as I get my mixture of asafetida and dandelion wine, I will get instantaneous results.
Complete relief from pain and discomfort.
I think I'm gonna have another sinus attack.
My nurse tells me that you like my prescription, señor Munez.
You'll be happy to know I've found a new way to administer it.
I know you're not going to believe this, but I was completely happy with the old way.
Now, when you wake up, you'll be with The Falcon, only you won't know where you are or how you got there.
You see? And now, señor, may you have pleasant dreams about a successful end to the negotiations.
As you can now realize, the drug I administered is not only free from any unpleasant aftereffects, it is also remarkably precise and predictable in its length of action.
Wait.
I haven't come here to have dealings with a country doctor.
I insist on dealing directly with The Falcon.
Well, I'm sure The Falcon will give you more than your share of attention, Herr Heindorf.
Am I to understand that these others are to participate in our business? Yes, my dear Heindorf, and I can assure you they all have as impeccable a pedigree as yourself.
For instance, señor Munez, head of the admirable syndicate that controls every penny worth of violent crime and major vice in Barcelona.
Please, señor, you will turn my head.
And Serville Balya, whose organization so masterfully controls and promotes the use of all opium and cocaine in the region of the Bosporus.
Third generation, family-owned firm.
Mr.
Marchmount, who has parlayed a small blackmail business into the largest extortion operation in the British Isle.
Just a knack, you know.
That's all.
Heh.
And of course you yourself, my dear Heindorf, whose splendid old firm has taken murder and arson out of the hands of the amateurs.
Beside the point.
I was told that I wouldn't have anyone bidding against me.
I'm absolutely outraged.
Señor Heindorf, you outrage a little bit too easily, huh? After all, competition is the lifeblood of business, is it not? Right.
Heh.
Improves the breed, puts the other man on his toes, and that sort of thing.
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
I have called this meeting to order.
This way, please, gentlemen.
I've seen some beautiful women in my day.
Oh, but this! Now one can really understand the beauty of the Tonka Flats affair.
I must have it.
Quack.
No! That's far enough.
Ah, something here I should not see perhaps, hey? Maybe, but you'll know that when The Falcon wants you to.
Look! Welcome to The Falcon's lair, gentlemen.
So the mild-mannered country doctor becomes The Falcon.
A bird of a different feather, wouldn't you say, Heindorf? Forgive me.
My little charade was troublesome but absolutely essential.
You there.
You're not supposed to be in the supply room.
I'm sorry.
How much? How much for it? Name your price.
I will pay you.
There are two Falcon cannons.
Now, one I shall keep, the other I shall give away to one of you absolutely free.
There's a catch, of course.
Yes, Heindorf, as you say, there is a catch.
You see, the cannon is only a very small part of the overall weapon.
Its lifeblood, so to speak, is the gunpowder, the catalytic agent.
It is that which makes the cannon what it is.
Whichever of you is fortunate enough to be given a cannon, will rule all of Europe, and with the other, I will rule America.
But the cannon owner will need my gunpowder, and for this he will pay, and pay very, very dearly.
This is all kinderspiel.
Now, how much do you want for the cannon, the gunpowder, and the-? Not for sale! Not for sale! Then I want nothing further to do with your negotiations.
I think that if anyone tries to stop me, he will live just long enough to regret it.
This is no ordinary gun, meine herren.
It fires the very strongest, most destructive dumdum bullet.
When it strikes, it just- Now, gentlemen if there are no further objections, may I suggest we conclude our transaction? Gentlemen, make yourselves comfortable.
Eh, señor, since the cannon is to be presented to me free- I mean, to one of us free, I think that it may be possible to cut this conference very short, huh? If you be good enough to name your price, I will pay it, and this meeting is over.
Simple.
I lodge a protest.
It is I who will pay the price in gold.
Oh, not so ruddy fast, the pair of you.
Heh.
You're not running your shoddy little back-alley operations in Barcelona and Constantinople now, you know.
I'll match any reasonable offer in British pounds sterling.
Gentlemen, I never intended to name a price for my gunpowder.
Instead, the best offer that comes my way.
So an auction.
Bueno! In that case, I will start to roll the ball for everybody with a nice round figure, huh? $5 million.
You begin at 5 million? Maybe you'd better go back to selling Turkish delights to tourists, Balya.
Aye, and the price of blackmail is gonna have to go up a couple of notches.
I'll make it 7 million.
Seven million, five-hundred thousand.
In gold.
Gentlemen.
Gentlemen, this is preposterous.
I have- I have partners to consult in this matter.
Then consult.
They are in Damascus, Constantinople.
Heh.
I represent a group whose interests blanket every city in the Near East.
I thought I made it clear that the syndicates were to send emissaries with decision-making powers.
Oh, I can make a decision.
It is only a matter of the decision itself, you understand.
My colleagues, if they did not have faith in my good judgment- Poof.
Then what's your decision now? All right.
All right! My decision now is $8 million.
Señores, I think it is time that we separated the bulls from the calves, huh? So I, for one, am prepared to make a nice round offer.
Señor, what happened to your good round offer? It would, uh, seem that it has rolled away and deluded me, eh? Oh! Sorry.
But, uh, let me get this straight, señor, through that door and down the corridor to the left, in its own cannon room, stands the greatest weapon ever invented in all of history, and it's not 150 yards from this room.
Correct? Precisely.
My point, gentlemen, is that I shall start high.
$10 million.
Well, that's a good offer, Spaniard, but not good enough.
Twelve million, on deposit right now in the Bank of England.
Gentlemen- Gentlemen, please.
There is a limit to the markup on opium.
All right.
I will make my last, my final offer.
$12,500,000 in gold.
$15 million's worth in British pounds sterling.
Now top that.
Now listen, Englishman, I can top that.
And then you will have to top that, and I will have to top that, and so on and so on.
So, what are you getting at? Ah, here is what Instead of you and me fighting one another, why don't we combine forces, huh? We form a syndicate, we can top easily $20 million.
Would that be an attractive figure to you, señor? At that figure, I would consider closing the bidding, gentlemen.
Hmm? Uh, gentlemen, please, uh, what about me? I am sorry, Balya.
Then it's settled, huh? We divide Europe between the two of us.
Where's the line to be drawn? Ah, that is a detail that can be settled later.
We are talking about taking over nations.
Gentlemen, please.
All Europe, the Near East.
We must have Turkey.
Uh, Turkey? Constantinople's the clearing-house of the blackmailing business.
Would you consider, then, that we have a governing committee? So! You plan to cut me out of your syndicate, eh? I am desolate, Balya, but there are only so many ways that one can cut a pie, you understand.
I will show you something about cutting a pie.
West has gotten out of the cell.
Well, what are you standing there for? The alarm in the cannon room.
At least we know where he is.
I want every available man.
Don't move, West! Let it never be said that The Falcon doesn't appreciate ingenuity.
Therefore, I'm going to allow you to witness a shot that will be heard, quite literally, around the world.
Your government had been told if there was any interference, one of the West's largest cities would be destroyed.
This cannon is loaded for the total obliteration of Denver.
Mr.
Falcon? Let him watch the firing, then kill him.
Adjust the sights.
Three degrees right.
Three degrees right mark.
Seventy-two degrees elevation.
Seventy-two degrees elevation mark.
No good, West.
It's too late to stop me.
The timing sequence has started.
It cannot be stopped! Don't you understand? It's too late.
Denver will be blown to bits! I only hope we can blow this up before it goes off.
Don't leave me.
Please.
That shell had "Denver" written all over it.
Do you think you managed to divert it? Munez, Heindorf, Balya, Marchmount, Humphries, Felton, all the rest of 'em.
All dead.
The dream of kings, and it dies on some lonely mountaintop.
Never thought it would end that way, did you? No.
And what about me? I wasn't that deeply involved.
Oh, of course not.
I helped The Falcon, I'll admit that.
But who knows besides the two of you? And why should we turn in a practically innocent girl? Well, I could go somewhere, start over again, even change my name.
I'd be more appreciative than I could ever tell you.
Oh, I knew you would be.
From the first, you impressed me as an appreciative girl.
Mm-hm.
Yes.
All you really wanted was a chance to prove yourself.
Is this proof enough? Oh, that's proof, all right.
Now, if you both stay right there, as a reward for saving my life, I won't shoot you.
Well, she does have a sense of what's fair, Jim.
Don't do anything foolish.
I never do, which means I wouldn't leave a loaded gun around.
No! She's all yours, marshal.
Take good care of her.
Where she's going, she'll get the best of care for a long time to come.
You know, for a minute there, she had me a little worried.
I mean, until you told me the gun wasn't loaded, I-