Those Who Can't (2016) s03e10 Episode Script
SKAppily Ever After
1 I lost the caterer, all my deposits.
Why did I have to give my stupid student teacher so many wedding responsibilities? It's not your fault.
You can't blame yourself.
You see the best in people.
- No, it is my fault! It is! - Ow! - I always see the best in people.
- Hey, Quinn, what are you doing? - It's goddamn - Great news! Your friends are here! And they just said they're willing to do whatever it takes to throw you a wedding right here at Smoot.
- Isn't that right, guys? - No.
No.
Please.
I will do anything.
All right, fine, I want retroactive paternity leave Whatever they get in Scandinavia.
- Paternity.
- 10 days paid vacation and I get to plan the wedding like J.
Lo! - Who is that? - I want to work through the summer, and I want to be one of the guys in the suits carrying the box.
Are you talking about a funeral? I'm afraid this is non-negotiable.
Fine.
All right! Everyone's in! And they're doing it genuinely? They didn't need any bribing or anything? Nope, not at all.
I know if the situation was reversed, I'd probably need, like, a bunch of days off.
You know, whatever they get in Scandinavia.
Loren, just come out.
[SNIFFLES.]
Okay, I'll do it with the help of my good friends.
And I want you to know, I'd do the same for you.
Well, you guys heard it from the handsome groom himself.
It's going to be a Smoot wedding! Good news.
I get to carry your body.
I don't want him carrying my body.
Well, it's non-negotiable, Loren.
Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through Now I know the fact that I'm engaged to a high-end escort might ruffle the feathers of certain staid town elders, but I like to think of myself as a modern-day Toulouse Lautrec.
ABBEY: Yep.
Except, not a dwarf, but still very talented.
Anyway, it's all very woke, which is why I was trying to give Jade the fairytale wedding she's always dreamed of, but now I'm stuck here with you assholes.
So this is a pivot Okay, what my client is trying to say is that your wedding day is the single most-important day of your life.
Exactly, that's it.
That's all I'm trying to say.
I mean, I remember on my wedding day thinking, [CHUCKLES.]
"You know, about time Abbey Rabinowitz gets a little piece of this so-called 'happiness.
'" [LAUGHS.]
You know, of course, 14 months in, one Big Ol' Yam's waitress later, it's poof! But that's why we need all hands on deck.
- Yep.
- Rod? Apps and mains for, like, 80 to 100 people.
Rod, not "apps and mains.
" Elevated farm-to-table cuisine.
- I don't know what that means.
- And rubber gloves, dude.
I'm serious.
Leslie, how's the wedding attire going? I got some of my students on it right now for extra credit.
Why am I doing the flowers? I don't even like Loren.
And you've got me buying his prostitute a bouquet.
Jade is not Loren's sex worker, she is Loren's fiancée.
- She is everyone else's sex worker.
- Thank you.
And you're talking to Shoemaker about the music.
Totally.
Yep.
- So I think we're all set! - I think we're good.
Oh, I need a job because there's no coffin to carry.
You know, you have, uh, the most important job of all.
- Best man? - No.
- Groom? - No.
Finding cans to tie on the back of the bride and groom's car! - Hey! - Yes! Yeah.
Sounds like a real mission.
All right? Go out there, and knock it out of the park.
- Yes! - Okay? - Let's do it! Everybody go.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
That went great.
I think we're on board here.
Looks like it's all really coming together.
Quinn, you don't think I'd forget about my best work friend, do you? If it wasn't for you, I would have never even met Jade, which is why I would be honored if you would marry us.
You want me to officiate your wedding? We want you to officiate our wedding.
Loren, it would be such an honor.
- Okay.
- I do! - All right.
- I do! No, I'm not going to book your band Capitalist Emulsification to play my wedding.
Then I guess we have nothing left to talk about, here.
I was this close to having the Mountain West's premier ska band.
Skaffirmative Action? I know.
I couldn't believe it either.
And stupid Cory forgot to pay the deposit, and they just bailed on the gig.
You dodged a bullet.
First of all, ska sucks.
Second of all, those guys are wicked dickheads.
How do you know they're wicked dickheads? - Because I knew them.
- [SCOFFS.]
Yeah, right.
Capitalist Emulsification and Skaffirmative Action had the most bitter blood feud the front range has ever seen.
Then it came to a head in '99 Warped Tour.
There was one spot left on the coveted Mesa Boogie Rehydration Stage, and they gave it to Skaffirmative Action.
Shoemaker, you have to ask Skaffirmative Action - to play at my wedding.
- No way! God damn it, Shoemaker.
I'm trying to be the white knight for my bride, okay? Jade never had anything growing up.
Skaffirmative Action could save this thing.
Dude, I'm sorry, but You know, I still haven't chosen my best man.
Hmm? - Really? - Yeah.
And you think something like this could get me an offer? I'm just saying swallowing your pride and booking the groom's favorite band, that sounds like some real best man shit to me.
Fine.
Yeah, I'll do it.
Oh, my God.
Jade is gonna lose her mind! - Okay.
All right.
- Thank you.
Ohh! Thank you.
What the hell was that? Yes, I was arrested.
But, listen, the prostitute that I bought is now marrying her john, so it You know, I expect that kind of exclusionary garbage from the Methodists, but not from you! [RECEIVER SLAMS.]
Is everything okay in here, Geoffrey? The Universalist Life Church revoked my ordainment! I'm defrocked! Well, it sounds to me like you better get a new religion.
I'm gonna have to start cold calling every church in town is what I'm going to have to do.
Someone will vest the power in me.
Tammy, are those flowers from a VA cemetery? No.
Where are all the cans? Must be a goat on the loose.
[CANS RATTLING.]
A human goat.
Hey! Where'd you get those cans? I'm on a can hunt! Come back! I just have questions! It's one of many reasons why you're like the stone jade.
N-No! I told you Max, no fedoras.
Indeed, you did, my good man.
But this is a trilby.
Abbey, quit messaging your cyber boyfriend and get your head in the game.
It's an anonymous, online, platonic pen-pal.
Okay, I'm hearing a lot of talk about Abbey and not, "What does my client Loren need"? Jesus Christ! Are you sewing the pants directly to my leg, Max? Sorry, my liege.
Chili's can suck it, all right? There's a new app king in town! I present to you Mac and Cheese shooters.
LOREN: Oh, God, no.
Uh, this is macaroni in a Dixie cup.
Unh-unh-unh.
It's a shooter.
It's elevated.
I don't think you understand the concept of elevation.
- Think lobster - Yes! - Cremini mushrooms - Cremini mushrooms would be fantastic.
- Cremini mushrooms? - Yes! Hey, baby.
Oh, hey, Jade.
Brought you those graded tests you left at home.
- Thank you so much.
- Mwah.
Ooh, I like the pants.
They're looking good.
I can totally see your bulge.
No.
Come on.
They're no Tom Ford, but they'll have to do One of many compromises.
Babe, I keep telling you I don't need a big wedding.
- We can just elope.
- Nonsense! You've dreamed of a fairytale wedding ever since you were a little girl.
- I never wanted that.
- Since you were a little girl.
And now these people are blowing it.
- So how does that feel? - Okay.
Well, I got to get back to work.
Those Japanese businessmen aren't gonna bukkake themselves.
I'll walk you out.
I will walk you out.
Your prince charming could use a little air.
Oh, there are the two lovebirds right there! [LAUGHS.]
Looking forward to marrying you guys! Everything is right on track! We have got a disaster on our hands.
What is it? Just my minister's license was revoked, and now the entire wedding is ruined.
What?! Aaaaaah! Fix this.
[WHIMPERS.]
Sir! Just a second! [IMITATES TIRES SQUEALING.]
Come back! I'm nice! Oh, wow.
SuckTown! I always thought it was a myth, but it's real.
As real as the flood-control pump it's named after.
But we prefer SuTo.
Neighborhood's trying to re-brand.
Like FroYo.
Totally get it.
[CHUCKLES, GASPS.]
Whoa.
Looks like I found the mother lode.
Where did you get all those cans? That is a hobo secret.
Look, I have a can emergency.
I'll pay you for the hobo secret.
Well, I can see you're serious.
Tell you what.
Take that money, buy us a 12-pack of beer, we'll tell you all the secrets of getting cans.
Eliminate the middleman.
I like it.
I just hope there's a place to buy liquor in this bad neighborhood.
Whoa! Oh, my ska'd.
Billy Shoemaker.
How's it going, asshole? Hey, Scott.
Pronounced "Skatt.
" Oh, yeah.
"Skatt.
" Yeah, got it legally changed in court.
Yeah, that's great.
And you look like you literally can't stop partying like it's 1999.
Can't skap, won't skap.
Yeah, I forgot about all the ska puns.
Listen, my buddy's getting married, and he loves your stupid band for some reason.
You were gonna play his wedding.
I'm going to skap you right there.
Skaffirmative Action is no more.
I had to fire P-Riddle this morning.
The dancing guy? What the hell did he do? He sent his skattorney after me Trying to get a songwriting credit for on of our hit songs, "Third Trimester Skabortion.
" Yeah, Scott, I don't care, okay? Just play without him, please.
No skan do, skaballero.
A ska band without a dancing guy? It's like a wallet without a chain useless.
That is the most ridiculous thing I've never heard.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
Skedaddle.
- Don't you mean skadaddle? - No.
- You missed it.
- No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did! [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Hey! Here.
One 12-pack of beer, good sirs.
About time.
Oh.
Almost forgot your change.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CAN POPS.]
Ready for that hobo can secret.
If you could just tell me where to get some cans.
[BURPS.]
No rush.
Just a best friend emergency.
Ah.
[CAN CLATTERS.]
Now, about them cans.
Okay.
Rufus here's got a whole trove stored in a water tower, but he won't tell us where 'cause he don't trust us.
That's right.
Goddamn lizard people.
And he can't get them himself on account of the missing leg.
- Who took his leg? - Damn wild dogs.
Been terrorizing SuckTown for years.
SuTo! I was born here, and I'll call it SuckTown If I want to call it SuckTown.
Get my leg back, I'll get you all the cans you can carry.
Wow! This is just like a video game.
How is that guy not homeless? Hey, Phil.
You got a second? Not really.
I just had a few questions about your religion.
I would've never pegged you as a man that was interested in the Church of Satan.
Don't be ashamed.
A lot of people bristle when they hear the word "Satan.
" But we believe he represents pride and individualism.
- You know, Anton LaVey - That's great.
Can I be ordained to marry someone in your church - in time for Loren's wedding? - Well, why didn't you say so? If we're gonna fast-track this, we're going to have to send a vial of your blood to HQ in Poughkeepsie.
- Real blood? - Yes.
This will be quick.
But it will hurt.
[WHIMPERS.]
[SINGS INDISTINCTLY.]
Aaaaah.
I don't want to do it, I don't want to do it, I don't want to do it, I don't want to do it.
I call it the "Neat Joseph.
" It's a Sloppy Joe, but I've removed the slop.
I'm sorry, Rod.
Were you under the impression that my wedding is taking place at a trailer park?! No, I was under the impression it was taking place in a high school gymnasium, Loren.
- You want to go, Rod? - Yeah, I would love to go! - It's a big day! - What my client is trying to say is that maybe you could, you know, fancy it up.
You know, the Marine in me wants to tell this prick to sit on it! But the chef in me really wants to rise to this challenge.
All right, here's your tux.
I'm sorry.
Does this make me look like I'm going to the BET Awards? - No, it does not.
- And that's the problem.
- She doesn't listen.
- Please have your kids do it again.
Yeah, except good this time.
All right, you want to come at me, Payton? You are blowing it right now.
- Grow up! - Go back and have them do it again.
Loren.
- What? - Can you dial it back a little bit? - You're becoming Groomzilla.
- [SCOFFS.]
Oh, am I a Groomzilla? This is me at a four! Act like a real wedding planner.
You wanted the job, you got the job.
Here's another centerpiece.
Are these from a children's hospital? - No! - Then why does this card say, "Hope you fly out of this cancer ward soon"? Look, you try to get flowers for an entire wedding for 50 bucks! Yeah, hey, bad news.
Skaffirmative Action is out.
And I really tried on this one.
Good news Once I find Rufus's leg, they're going to tell me the hobo's secret.
LOREN: That's it! The wedding is off! I guess asking your co-workers to plan the perfect storybook wedding for free was a little too much to ask, wasn't it? - Thanks a lot! - ABBEY: Shoemaker! Can you please just book this band already? They're not gonna do it without their dancing guy.
I am the wedding planner, which means that I will do everything in my power to make my special day My client's special day Perfect! Unless you want me to have Quinn rescind his offer of paternity leave.
Fine! And tux! Oh, super-important wedding question.
If you were a wild dog Where are the cans, Fairbell?! You have really outdone yourself, Rod.
Did you know there's a kind of tuna you don't have to mix with mayonnaise? Finally, Tammy, these arrangements are rustic, yet refined.
About as rustic and refined as that field by my house where that Blockbuster used to be.
Food, check.
Flowers, check.
Band Checkity-check, check, a-checkity-check! Checkered pants.
Checkered past.
Is that Skaffirmative Action? You bet your skass it is.
The Rocky Mountain Region's most diverse ska band.
No other Rocky Mountain ska band has done more to promote equality than these guys right here.
That's right.
Old Shoemaker pulled it off.
[LAUGHS.]
And all it cost me was every last shred of musical integrity that I have ever had.
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! - What? What? God! Dancing guy does not touch the mic! Hey, little miss size zero.
I know you're busy, but I got to do the final alterations, and Jade just conveniently had to run a last minute errand Probably in SuckTown, if you know what I mean.
- [SIGHS.]
- I need a body in that dress.
Oh, uh Let's go.
Game day, dude.
Everything's gonna be great.
Nothing can go disastrously wrong.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Baby boy.
Jade! We're not supposed to see each other before the wedding.
It's fine.
I cannot believe the lengths you went to for this wedding.
Skaffirmative Action is here! What? I mean, I-I know! Yeah, everything looks so beautiful.
Well, I keep telling you you deserve a fairytale wedding.
I'm just scared you have expectations I can't fulfill.
Shh! Shush! Look, I know our relationship might be un-traditional You're a prostitute, I'm a teacher.
We're both renegades playing by our own rules.
I'm not asking you to be something that you're not, Jade.
I'm asking to marry you The real you 'cause that's what I fell in love with.
Want me to eat your butt one last time while the church still frowns upon it? - Oh, hell, yes! - Yes, go! - All right, let me get that belt off.
- Take your pants off.
- There's my girl.
- Yes! Okay, all right.
Jade! - Don't you knock? - I've been looking all over for you! - Where have you been? - Oh, wow, Abbey.
- You're in my wedding dress.
Why? - No, no, no, no.
I was filling in for you until I found you, but then Leslie's kids sewed the zipper on wrong, and now I'm stuck in it! You don't happen to have anything else white that you can wear, do you? I do have a spare dress in my car.
It's part of the November Rain package.
It's big with widowers.
So I will just go slip that on.
- Great.
- Yes.
FAIRBELL: I did it! Wow.
Giving a dog a bone is not like it is in the cartoons, but I got your leg, and just in time for the wedding.
- That ain't my leg.
- What?! Do I look Swedish to you? Whose leg is this? Could be anyone's.
Goddamn lizard people sneak in here at night and mix and match all our body parts.
Deal's off.
No leg, no cans.
Hey! See ya later, SuckTown! Hey, he's got the cans The good ones! [PEOPLE SHOUTING.]
Well, take it all in.
It's all for you.
Most of these are actually Jade's clients, but I cannot believe you got Skaffirmative Action to play! - Are you kidding me? - Yeah, you betcha! Listen, I know this is last minute, but I would be honored if you would be the best man.
- You mean I won the job? - You did.
Above and beyond.
Wow! No.
What do you mean "no"? Hard pass.
Yes! [LAUGHS.]
So you're willing to humiliate yourself as the dancing guy in a ska band just so you could snub me at my own wedding? - Oh, 100 percent.
Yeah.
- God.
I guess you could call it a long skon.
[LAUGHS.]
Is this about the stupid bachelor party? You betcha! Feels good.
Well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't see this coming.
- Mm-hmm.
- Which is why I have a backup plan.
Oh, Scott! Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up! What's up! Looking skarp! It's best man right here! - Yeah.
- My best man.
Seriously? - Your name's Loren? - Yeah.
Loren.
This is my wedding.
Oh, my God.
My dad's here! Papa! Papa! I can't believe he came.
He was against the wedding and everything else I've ever done.
Well, the love between a skather and skon can be a beautiful thing.
Is he sitting on Jade's side? They're probably just friends.
[SKA RENDITION OF WAGNER'S "WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Welcome, everyone.
We are gathered here today beneath the piercing gaze of Baphomet, the goat god, to celebrate the love of two other little devils who played by their own rules Loren and Jade.
But what can be said about these two that can't be better said through song? So, Dan, come on up.
[AUDIENCE MURMURING.]
[SIGHS.]
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
Ave Maria Gratia plena Et benedictus fructus ventris Ventris tui, Jesus Ave Maria Thank you, Trebin.
- Anything for love.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I can see your panties through your dress.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Mission accomplished! Am I late? You're right on time, buddy.
Loren and Jade have prepared their own vows.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Loren.
Jade, when I first told people I was marrying a prostitute, they couldn't believe it.
They were like, "Wow, you're the wokest person I've ever met.
" And I was like, "I know.
" You make me a better man, Jade.
I've found myself in you.
[AUDIENCE GROANS, CHEERS.]
Not like that! - I mean, yes, like that, too.
- Yes.
But also on a personal level.
I love you so much, Jade.
Oh.
Dark lord, preserve me.
[SNIFFLES.]
- Good stuff.
- Thanks, bud.
Jade.
Loren, I had my vows prepared, but then we spoke earlier, and what you said, it touched me deep inside.
[AUDIENCE CHEERS.]
No, not like that! Like that, but, you know.
It made me realize that you make me a better person.
And I want to be a better person for you, so I'm quitting the escort game.
Wait, what? What? [AUDIENCE MURMURING.]
Why? Well, seeing how important it was for you to have this beautiful, traditional wedding really touched me, Loren.
It made me realize this kind of life wouldn't be that bad A normal life.
Gross! No.
Who said I wanted a normal life? Well, then, why would you go through all this? For you.
I did this traditional Mostly traditional Wedding for you.
Like the one you always dreamed of during your terrible childhood that led to a life of prostitution.
- All the horror and agony - Loren, stop.
Loren, I didn't have a bad childhood.
The reason I got into all of this was to pay off school.
And then it turns out I was just so good at it.
"Was so good at it"? You're already using the past tense? I can just feel my wokeness drifting away right now.
Well, is being woke the only reason you're in this relationship? No, of course not.
It's like 70 percent.
That's the most shallow thing I've ever heard.
Great.
I can't marry you, Loren.
What? You're breaking up with me? Here? So, what, you're just gonna run off down the aisle now? Well, actually, do you mind if I stay? A bunch of my clients are here.
I've got big spenders in the house.
Fine! I guess I'll do it! [CRYING.]
No one look at me! Wait! I need to release the doves! [AUDIENCE GASPS.]
Oh.
Oh, I forgot to cut air holes.
Can I have these? [SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
Hey! Come on, man! Pick it up! Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up! Pick it up, pick it up.
Look at this asshole! Okay, you guys can eat as much as you want, but then we're even.
Deal? - Deal.
- Deal.
Where's the Mac and Cheese shooters? That's right.
Tell me I can't cater a wedding.
You did a good job, Abbey.
Thanks, Quinn.
I feel sorry for Jade, though.
I have a feeling she'll land on her Whoo! Oh! Well, she'll land.
[CHUCKLES.]
Anyways, it's a nice thing you did for your friend.
[SINGING CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
Yeah.
For my friend.
Wanna bend the anonymity rule a little? [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
MALE VOICE: Ooh, you're bad.
Okay.
I'm between the age of 35 and 50.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh [SIGHS.]
See you later, SuckTown.
Ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh
Why did I have to give my stupid student teacher so many wedding responsibilities? It's not your fault.
You can't blame yourself.
You see the best in people.
- No, it is my fault! It is! - Ow! - I always see the best in people.
- Hey, Quinn, what are you doing? - It's goddamn - Great news! Your friends are here! And they just said they're willing to do whatever it takes to throw you a wedding right here at Smoot.
- Isn't that right, guys? - No.
No.
Please.
I will do anything.
All right, fine, I want retroactive paternity leave Whatever they get in Scandinavia.
- Paternity.
- 10 days paid vacation and I get to plan the wedding like J.
Lo! - Who is that? - I want to work through the summer, and I want to be one of the guys in the suits carrying the box.
Are you talking about a funeral? I'm afraid this is non-negotiable.
Fine.
All right! Everyone's in! And they're doing it genuinely? They didn't need any bribing or anything? Nope, not at all.
I know if the situation was reversed, I'd probably need, like, a bunch of days off.
You know, whatever they get in Scandinavia.
Loren, just come out.
[SNIFFLES.]
Okay, I'll do it with the help of my good friends.
And I want you to know, I'd do the same for you.
Well, you guys heard it from the handsome groom himself.
It's going to be a Smoot wedding! Good news.
I get to carry your body.
I don't want him carrying my body.
Well, it's non-negotiable, Loren.
Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through Now I know the fact that I'm engaged to a high-end escort might ruffle the feathers of certain staid town elders, but I like to think of myself as a modern-day Toulouse Lautrec.
ABBEY: Yep.
Except, not a dwarf, but still very talented.
Anyway, it's all very woke, which is why I was trying to give Jade the fairytale wedding she's always dreamed of, but now I'm stuck here with you assholes.
So this is a pivot Okay, what my client is trying to say is that your wedding day is the single most-important day of your life.
Exactly, that's it.
That's all I'm trying to say.
I mean, I remember on my wedding day thinking, [CHUCKLES.]
"You know, about time Abbey Rabinowitz gets a little piece of this so-called 'happiness.
'" [LAUGHS.]
You know, of course, 14 months in, one Big Ol' Yam's waitress later, it's poof! But that's why we need all hands on deck.
- Yep.
- Rod? Apps and mains for, like, 80 to 100 people.
Rod, not "apps and mains.
" Elevated farm-to-table cuisine.
- I don't know what that means.
- And rubber gloves, dude.
I'm serious.
Leslie, how's the wedding attire going? I got some of my students on it right now for extra credit.
Why am I doing the flowers? I don't even like Loren.
And you've got me buying his prostitute a bouquet.
Jade is not Loren's sex worker, she is Loren's fiancée.
- She is everyone else's sex worker.
- Thank you.
And you're talking to Shoemaker about the music.
Totally.
Yep.
- So I think we're all set! - I think we're good.
Oh, I need a job because there's no coffin to carry.
You know, you have, uh, the most important job of all.
- Best man? - No.
- Groom? - No.
Finding cans to tie on the back of the bride and groom's car! - Hey! - Yes! Yeah.
Sounds like a real mission.
All right? Go out there, and knock it out of the park.
- Yes! - Okay? - Let's do it! Everybody go.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
That went great.
I think we're on board here.
Looks like it's all really coming together.
Quinn, you don't think I'd forget about my best work friend, do you? If it wasn't for you, I would have never even met Jade, which is why I would be honored if you would marry us.
You want me to officiate your wedding? We want you to officiate our wedding.
Loren, it would be such an honor.
- Okay.
- I do! - All right.
- I do! No, I'm not going to book your band Capitalist Emulsification to play my wedding.
Then I guess we have nothing left to talk about, here.
I was this close to having the Mountain West's premier ska band.
Skaffirmative Action? I know.
I couldn't believe it either.
And stupid Cory forgot to pay the deposit, and they just bailed on the gig.
You dodged a bullet.
First of all, ska sucks.
Second of all, those guys are wicked dickheads.
How do you know they're wicked dickheads? - Because I knew them.
- [SCOFFS.]
Yeah, right.
Capitalist Emulsification and Skaffirmative Action had the most bitter blood feud the front range has ever seen.
Then it came to a head in '99 Warped Tour.
There was one spot left on the coveted Mesa Boogie Rehydration Stage, and they gave it to Skaffirmative Action.
Shoemaker, you have to ask Skaffirmative Action - to play at my wedding.
- No way! God damn it, Shoemaker.
I'm trying to be the white knight for my bride, okay? Jade never had anything growing up.
Skaffirmative Action could save this thing.
Dude, I'm sorry, but You know, I still haven't chosen my best man.
Hmm? - Really? - Yeah.
And you think something like this could get me an offer? I'm just saying swallowing your pride and booking the groom's favorite band, that sounds like some real best man shit to me.
Fine.
Yeah, I'll do it.
Oh, my God.
Jade is gonna lose her mind! - Okay.
All right.
- Thank you.
Ohh! Thank you.
What the hell was that? Yes, I was arrested.
But, listen, the prostitute that I bought is now marrying her john, so it You know, I expect that kind of exclusionary garbage from the Methodists, but not from you! [RECEIVER SLAMS.]
Is everything okay in here, Geoffrey? The Universalist Life Church revoked my ordainment! I'm defrocked! Well, it sounds to me like you better get a new religion.
I'm gonna have to start cold calling every church in town is what I'm going to have to do.
Someone will vest the power in me.
Tammy, are those flowers from a VA cemetery? No.
Where are all the cans? Must be a goat on the loose.
[CANS RATTLING.]
A human goat.
Hey! Where'd you get those cans? I'm on a can hunt! Come back! I just have questions! It's one of many reasons why you're like the stone jade.
N-No! I told you Max, no fedoras.
Indeed, you did, my good man.
But this is a trilby.
Abbey, quit messaging your cyber boyfriend and get your head in the game.
It's an anonymous, online, platonic pen-pal.
Okay, I'm hearing a lot of talk about Abbey and not, "What does my client Loren need"? Jesus Christ! Are you sewing the pants directly to my leg, Max? Sorry, my liege.
Chili's can suck it, all right? There's a new app king in town! I present to you Mac and Cheese shooters.
LOREN: Oh, God, no.
Uh, this is macaroni in a Dixie cup.
Unh-unh-unh.
It's a shooter.
It's elevated.
I don't think you understand the concept of elevation.
- Think lobster - Yes! - Cremini mushrooms - Cremini mushrooms would be fantastic.
- Cremini mushrooms? - Yes! Hey, baby.
Oh, hey, Jade.
Brought you those graded tests you left at home.
- Thank you so much.
- Mwah.
Ooh, I like the pants.
They're looking good.
I can totally see your bulge.
No.
Come on.
They're no Tom Ford, but they'll have to do One of many compromises.
Babe, I keep telling you I don't need a big wedding.
- We can just elope.
- Nonsense! You've dreamed of a fairytale wedding ever since you were a little girl.
- I never wanted that.
- Since you were a little girl.
And now these people are blowing it.
- So how does that feel? - Okay.
Well, I got to get back to work.
Those Japanese businessmen aren't gonna bukkake themselves.
I'll walk you out.
I will walk you out.
Your prince charming could use a little air.
Oh, there are the two lovebirds right there! [LAUGHS.]
Looking forward to marrying you guys! Everything is right on track! We have got a disaster on our hands.
What is it? Just my minister's license was revoked, and now the entire wedding is ruined.
What?! Aaaaaah! Fix this.
[WHIMPERS.]
Sir! Just a second! [IMITATES TIRES SQUEALING.]
Come back! I'm nice! Oh, wow.
SuckTown! I always thought it was a myth, but it's real.
As real as the flood-control pump it's named after.
But we prefer SuTo.
Neighborhood's trying to re-brand.
Like FroYo.
Totally get it.
[CHUCKLES, GASPS.]
Whoa.
Looks like I found the mother lode.
Where did you get all those cans? That is a hobo secret.
Look, I have a can emergency.
I'll pay you for the hobo secret.
Well, I can see you're serious.
Tell you what.
Take that money, buy us a 12-pack of beer, we'll tell you all the secrets of getting cans.
Eliminate the middleman.
I like it.
I just hope there's a place to buy liquor in this bad neighborhood.
Whoa! Oh, my ska'd.
Billy Shoemaker.
How's it going, asshole? Hey, Scott.
Pronounced "Skatt.
" Oh, yeah.
"Skatt.
" Yeah, got it legally changed in court.
Yeah, that's great.
And you look like you literally can't stop partying like it's 1999.
Can't skap, won't skap.
Yeah, I forgot about all the ska puns.
Listen, my buddy's getting married, and he loves your stupid band for some reason.
You were gonna play his wedding.
I'm going to skap you right there.
Skaffirmative Action is no more.
I had to fire P-Riddle this morning.
The dancing guy? What the hell did he do? He sent his skattorney after me Trying to get a songwriting credit for on of our hit songs, "Third Trimester Skabortion.
" Yeah, Scott, I don't care, okay? Just play without him, please.
No skan do, skaballero.
A ska band without a dancing guy? It's like a wallet without a chain useless.
That is the most ridiculous thing I've never heard.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
Skedaddle.
- Don't you mean skadaddle? - No.
- You missed it.
- No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did! [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Hey! Here.
One 12-pack of beer, good sirs.
About time.
Oh.
Almost forgot your change.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CAN POPS.]
Ready for that hobo can secret.
If you could just tell me where to get some cans.
[BURPS.]
No rush.
Just a best friend emergency.
Ah.
[CAN CLATTERS.]
Now, about them cans.
Okay.
Rufus here's got a whole trove stored in a water tower, but he won't tell us where 'cause he don't trust us.
That's right.
Goddamn lizard people.
And he can't get them himself on account of the missing leg.
- Who took his leg? - Damn wild dogs.
Been terrorizing SuckTown for years.
SuTo! I was born here, and I'll call it SuckTown If I want to call it SuckTown.
Get my leg back, I'll get you all the cans you can carry.
Wow! This is just like a video game.
How is that guy not homeless? Hey, Phil.
You got a second? Not really.
I just had a few questions about your religion.
I would've never pegged you as a man that was interested in the Church of Satan.
Don't be ashamed.
A lot of people bristle when they hear the word "Satan.
" But we believe he represents pride and individualism.
- You know, Anton LaVey - That's great.
Can I be ordained to marry someone in your church - in time for Loren's wedding? - Well, why didn't you say so? If we're gonna fast-track this, we're going to have to send a vial of your blood to HQ in Poughkeepsie.
- Real blood? - Yes.
This will be quick.
But it will hurt.
[WHIMPERS.]
[SINGS INDISTINCTLY.]
Aaaaah.
I don't want to do it, I don't want to do it, I don't want to do it, I don't want to do it.
I call it the "Neat Joseph.
" It's a Sloppy Joe, but I've removed the slop.
I'm sorry, Rod.
Were you under the impression that my wedding is taking place at a trailer park?! No, I was under the impression it was taking place in a high school gymnasium, Loren.
- You want to go, Rod? - Yeah, I would love to go! - It's a big day! - What my client is trying to say is that maybe you could, you know, fancy it up.
You know, the Marine in me wants to tell this prick to sit on it! But the chef in me really wants to rise to this challenge.
All right, here's your tux.
I'm sorry.
Does this make me look like I'm going to the BET Awards? - No, it does not.
- And that's the problem.
- She doesn't listen.
- Please have your kids do it again.
Yeah, except good this time.
All right, you want to come at me, Payton? You are blowing it right now.
- Grow up! - Go back and have them do it again.
Loren.
- What? - Can you dial it back a little bit? - You're becoming Groomzilla.
- [SCOFFS.]
Oh, am I a Groomzilla? This is me at a four! Act like a real wedding planner.
You wanted the job, you got the job.
Here's another centerpiece.
Are these from a children's hospital? - No! - Then why does this card say, "Hope you fly out of this cancer ward soon"? Look, you try to get flowers for an entire wedding for 50 bucks! Yeah, hey, bad news.
Skaffirmative Action is out.
And I really tried on this one.
Good news Once I find Rufus's leg, they're going to tell me the hobo's secret.
LOREN: That's it! The wedding is off! I guess asking your co-workers to plan the perfect storybook wedding for free was a little too much to ask, wasn't it? - Thanks a lot! - ABBEY: Shoemaker! Can you please just book this band already? They're not gonna do it without their dancing guy.
I am the wedding planner, which means that I will do everything in my power to make my special day My client's special day Perfect! Unless you want me to have Quinn rescind his offer of paternity leave.
Fine! And tux! Oh, super-important wedding question.
If you were a wild dog Where are the cans, Fairbell?! You have really outdone yourself, Rod.
Did you know there's a kind of tuna you don't have to mix with mayonnaise? Finally, Tammy, these arrangements are rustic, yet refined.
About as rustic and refined as that field by my house where that Blockbuster used to be.
Food, check.
Flowers, check.
Band Checkity-check, check, a-checkity-check! Checkered pants.
Checkered past.
Is that Skaffirmative Action? You bet your skass it is.
The Rocky Mountain Region's most diverse ska band.
No other Rocky Mountain ska band has done more to promote equality than these guys right here.
That's right.
Old Shoemaker pulled it off.
[LAUGHS.]
And all it cost me was every last shred of musical integrity that I have ever had.
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! - What? What? God! Dancing guy does not touch the mic! Hey, little miss size zero.
I know you're busy, but I got to do the final alterations, and Jade just conveniently had to run a last minute errand Probably in SuckTown, if you know what I mean.
- [SIGHS.]
- I need a body in that dress.
Oh, uh Let's go.
Game day, dude.
Everything's gonna be great.
Nothing can go disastrously wrong.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Baby boy.
Jade! We're not supposed to see each other before the wedding.
It's fine.
I cannot believe the lengths you went to for this wedding.
Skaffirmative Action is here! What? I mean, I-I know! Yeah, everything looks so beautiful.
Well, I keep telling you you deserve a fairytale wedding.
I'm just scared you have expectations I can't fulfill.
Shh! Shush! Look, I know our relationship might be un-traditional You're a prostitute, I'm a teacher.
We're both renegades playing by our own rules.
I'm not asking you to be something that you're not, Jade.
I'm asking to marry you The real you 'cause that's what I fell in love with.
Want me to eat your butt one last time while the church still frowns upon it? - Oh, hell, yes! - Yes, go! - All right, let me get that belt off.
- Take your pants off.
- There's my girl.
- Yes! Okay, all right.
Jade! - Don't you knock? - I've been looking all over for you! - Where have you been? - Oh, wow, Abbey.
- You're in my wedding dress.
Why? - No, no, no, no.
I was filling in for you until I found you, but then Leslie's kids sewed the zipper on wrong, and now I'm stuck in it! You don't happen to have anything else white that you can wear, do you? I do have a spare dress in my car.
It's part of the November Rain package.
It's big with widowers.
So I will just go slip that on.
- Great.
- Yes.
FAIRBELL: I did it! Wow.
Giving a dog a bone is not like it is in the cartoons, but I got your leg, and just in time for the wedding.
- That ain't my leg.
- What?! Do I look Swedish to you? Whose leg is this? Could be anyone's.
Goddamn lizard people sneak in here at night and mix and match all our body parts.
Deal's off.
No leg, no cans.
Hey! See ya later, SuckTown! Hey, he's got the cans The good ones! [PEOPLE SHOUTING.]
Well, take it all in.
It's all for you.
Most of these are actually Jade's clients, but I cannot believe you got Skaffirmative Action to play! - Are you kidding me? - Yeah, you betcha! Listen, I know this is last minute, but I would be honored if you would be the best man.
- You mean I won the job? - You did.
Above and beyond.
Wow! No.
What do you mean "no"? Hard pass.
Yes! [LAUGHS.]
So you're willing to humiliate yourself as the dancing guy in a ska band just so you could snub me at my own wedding? - Oh, 100 percent.
Yeah.
- God.
I guess you could call it a long skon.
[LAUGHS.]
Is this about the stupid bachelor party? You betcha! Feels good.
Well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't see this coming.
- Mm-hmm.
- Which is why I have a backup plan.
Oh, Scott! Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up! What's up! Looking skarp! It's best man right here! - Yeah.
- My best man.
Seriously? - Your name's Loren? - Yeah.
Loren.
This is my wedding.
Oh, my God.
My dad's here! Papa! Papa! I can't believe he came.
He was against the wedding and everything else I've ever done.
Well, the love between a skather and skon can be a beautiful thing.
Is he sitting on Jade's side? They're probably just friends.
[SKA RENDITION OF WAGNER'S "WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Welcome, everyone.
We are gathered here today beneath the piercing gaze of Baphomet, the goat god, to celebrate the love of two other little devils who played by their own rules Loren and Jade.
But what can be said about these two that can't be better said through song? So, Dan, come on up.
[AUDIENCE MURMURING.]
[SIGHS.]
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
Ave Maria Gratia plena Et benedictus fructus ventris Ventris tui, Jesus Ave Maria Thank you, Trebin.
- Anything for love.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I can see your panties through your dress.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Mission accomplished! Am I late? You're right on time, buddy.
Loren and Jade have prepared their own vows.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Loren.
Jade, when I first told people I was marrying a prostitute, they couldn't believe it.
They were like, "Wow, you're the wokest person I've ever met.
" And I was like, "I know.
" You make me a better man, Jade.
I've found myself in you.
[AUDIENCE GROANS, CHEERS.]
Not like that! - I mean, yes, like that, too.
- Yes.
But also on a personal level.
I love you so much, Jade.
Oh.
Dark lord, preserve me.
[SNIFFLES.]
- Good stuff.
- Thanks, bud.
Jade.
Loren, I had my vows prepared, but then we spoke earlier, and what you said, it touched me deep inside.
[AUDIENCE CHEERS.]
No, not like that! Like that, but, you know.
It made me realize that you make me a better person.
And I want to be a better person for you, so I'm quitting the escort game.
Wait, what? What? [AUDIENCE MURMURING.]
Why? Well, seeing how important it was for you to have this beautiful, traditional wedding really touched me, Loren.
It made me realize this kind of life wouldn't be that bad A normal life.
Gross! No.
Who said I wanted a normal life? Well, then, why would you go through all this? For you.
I did this traditional Mostly traditional Wedding for you.
Like the one you always dreamed of during your terrible childhood that led to a life of prostitution.
- All the horror and agony - Loren, stop.
Loren, I didn't have a bad childhood.
The reason I got into all of this was to pay off school.
And then it turns out I was just so good at it.
"Was so good at it"? You're already using the past tense? I can just feel my wokeness drifting away right now.
Well, is being woke the only reason you're in this relationship? No, of course not.
It's like 70 percent.
That's the most shallow thing I've ever heard.
Great.
I can't marry you, Loren.
What? You're breaking up with me? Here? So, what, you're just gonna run off down the aisle now? Well, actually, do you mind if I stay? A bunch of my clients are here.
I've got big spenders in the house.
Fine! I guess I'll do it! [CRYING.]
No one look at me! Wait! I need to release the doves! [AUDIENCE GASPS.]
Oh.
Oh, I forgot to cut air holes.
Can I have these? [SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
Hey! Come on, man! Pick it up! Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up! Pick it up, pick it up.
Look at this asshole! Okay, you guys can eat as much as you want, but then we're even.
Deal? - Deal.
- Deal.
Where's the Mac and Cheese shooters? That's right.
Tell me I can't cater a wedding.
You did a good job, Abbey.
Thanks, Quinn.
I feel sorry for Jade, though.
I have a feeling she'll land on her Whoo! Oh! Well, she'll land.
[CHUCKLES.]
Anyways, it's a nice thing you did for your friend.
[SINGING CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
Yeah.
For my friend.
Wanna bend the anonymity rule a little? [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
MALE VOICE: Ooh, you're bad.
Okay.
I'm between the age of 35 and 50.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh [SIGHS.]
See you later, SuckTown.
Ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh