Tripping the Rift s03e10 Episode Script

(theme music playing) (vacuum whirring) (hair dryer whirring) (alarm wails) Peter Piper picked a peck of purple peckers.
- I think we lost him.
- Think again, Uncle Chode.
Those space pirates are right on our ass.
Put your foot down, T'nuk.
We can easily outrun those swarthy, muscular, brooding sex-starved rapscallions.
On second thought, maybe we should play hard to get.
Gus, if these pirates come aboard, we'll be lucky to walk away with the clothes on our back.
- Oh! - Where are you going? To change my thong.
Relax.
Those mother aren't stepping a foot onboard my ship.
- Bob, bank to the right.
- (all yell) Bob: Hate to break the news to you, El Capitan, but they've already locked their tractor beam onto the ship.
The captain of the pirate ship is sending a video transmission.
(groans) Pull him up on the screen.
Ahoy, mateys.
Captain Jack Raving's the name.
You blokes put up quite a fight.
But the time has come for you to surrender.
I wouldn't mind letting him dig for my treasure.
It's going to be dicey, Uncle Chode.
But if I do an offline reset of the ship's power, I can flip us into a power boost and thrust us into hyperdrive.
It's worth a try, Chode.
Yeah, whatever.
He lost me at "dicey.
" Who's the hottie with the jugs? The name's T'nuk.
Currently unattached and available.
Not you, sea hag.
You shiver my timbers.
Ugh.
(whirrs) Whip, please tell me you know what you're doing.
(all scream) Nice job, Whip.
I couldn't have done it without you.
- That's a given.
- It was nothing, Uncle Chode.
I just figured polarizing the fuel coils would create an inversion on the tractor beam Yeah yeah yeah.
All noise to me.
Just keep up the good work.
Bob: Uh, Captain? I'm receiving another video transmission.
(groans) When are those butt-pirates gonna leave me alone? - No, this is from a Danita Benegra.
- Who? She said you and her were at college together 15 years ago.
She wants to discuss a personal matter.
Send her to voicemail.
Captain, I really think you should take this.
Fine, pull her up.
- Danita! - You remember me.
Of course I remember you.
We went out senior year.
After graduation you pretty much fell off the face of the planet.
There was a reason for that, Chode.
I had to go back home to raise our son.
- All: Huh? - Oh, boy.
And the hits just keep on coming.
I need to talk to you, Chode.
I'll be there in a few minutes.
Hmm? Come on.
There's no way I could possibly be a father.
Why not? You're already a mother.
I refuse to believe there's a boy out there who sprang from my loins.
Now how am I going to erase that mental image? Try picturing the women from "The View" getting a pap smear.
(grimaces) Thanks.
This is what happens when you practice unprotected sex.
Yeah, Uncle Chode.
Aren't you the one who keeps telling me, "If you wanna make love, slip on the glove"? Well, this was a simpler time, Whip.
In college I was quite the ladies' man.
T'nuk: Yeah, right.
Bet you were a real big fat bastard on campus.
Chode: Mm-mm.
Anything but.
They were the best of times, they were the worst of times.
It was the age of foolishness.
(growls) I made a promise to myself early on to never be a one-woman guy.
When my grades started to suffer, I had to do everything I could not to get expelled.
But somehow I managed to pass with flying colors.
Six: Enough with the trip down memory lane, Chode.
What do you remember about your relationship with Danita Benegra? From what I recall, it was pretty fast and furious.
- The romance? - No, the sex.
The truth is, I probably only laid wood to her about 30 times during our entire relationship.
- Which was for how long? - The Friday night after finals.
That's it? One night? Unless you count porking her in the shower the morning after as another day.
Chode, if you only had intercourse with this woman in a 24-hour period, the chances of you being the father of her child are infinitesimal.
- So I'm pretty much the papa, huh? - Gus: No, you idiot.
Danita probably has you mixed up with some other purple varsity slob.
Well, we're about to find out.
Bob just beamed her aboard.
(gasps) But I'm not ready to be a father, Six.
Relax, Chode.
This is probably just a big misunderstanding.
No doubt about it, huh? Look, Chode, I know this is a lot to digest.
You probably have a lot of questions.
Yeah, such as: Why did you wait this long to tell me? When my father found out I was pregnant, he banished me back to my home planet.
I was left to raise little Chode Jr.
All by myself.
You poor girl.
This is just like that movie I watched the other night called " My Husband Doesn't Listen to Me Anymore.
" So now that Junior is a teenager, you finally decided it was time he meet his father? Not at all.
Truth is, he's always been a problem child.
He's got Attention Deficit Syndrome, hyperactivity, a string of delinquencies as long as my arm.
- Like father, like son.
- I'm at my wit's end.
I can't do it anymore.
Now it's your turn.
Whoa-ho-ho.
Not so fast.
I'm not father material at all.
That's not true, Uncle Chode.
I think you're a pretty swell uncle.
Whip, next time remind me to ask you when I need your help.
(chuckles) Look, Danita, I'm sure all the kid needs is a swift kick in the ass to smarten him up.
- But I'm not the guy to do it.
- I figured as much, you deadbeat.
Well, if you're not willing to take in Junior, I'll see you in court.
Your Honor, my client has been the sole provider and caregiver since her son's birth.
- Objection! - On what grounds? - My client pleads the Fifth.
- That's not applicable here.
Habeas corpus? Flagrant delecti? (groans) Overruled.
Continue.
Judge, the burden of single parenthood has become too much for my client, which is why we are here requesting the court to assign full legal custody on Mr.
McBlob.
Your Honor, I am prepared to prove to the court that my client is an unfit father.
Defense calls T'nuk Layor to the stand.
Miss Layor, you have known Mr.
McBlob for many years.
- Is that correct? - Yes.
And in that time I am sure you have developed - an opinion regarding his character.
- I have.
What is your impression of the plaintiff? I don't do impressions.
I'm more of a one-line-zinger type of comedienne.
I see.
And how would you describe Mr.
McBlob? He's a cruel, fat, selfish, irresponsible man-child who thinks only about himself.
He's pretty much driven by three things.
- And those would be? - Sex, money and food.
Thank you.
Nothing further.
Defense calls me to the stand.
Gus, how would you describe the plaintiff? It's so hard.
That's okay, take your time.
He's a mean, mean troll of an alien.
He treats us all with disrespect.
The living conditions on the ship are absolutely unbearable.
In your opinion, would Mr.
McBlob make an unfit parent? Objection, Your Honor.
Calls for speculation.
- Sustained.
- Damn.
Isn't it true that Chode McBlob has been your guardian for the last several years? Yes, he has.
So for all intents and purposes, he has acted as a father to you? I suppose so, yes.
In the time you have been in his care, have you found him to be unfit or irresponsible? No, he loves me.
He'd never do anything to hurt me.
Liar! I'll kill you, you little head! Order! Order in the court.
Restrain the plaintiff.
I'm out of order?! You're out of order! This whole court is out of order! (grunting) Your Honor, we call Chode Junior to the stand.
The kid's a looker.
I'll give him that.
Chode Junior, will you please tell the court why it is you desire to live with your father? There's so many memories I wanna share with him, so much time to make up for.
I've saved all my test papers, my trophies, Father's Day cards, just hoping for the day we'd meet.
I mean, I'd give just about anything just to play catch with my dad.
(sobbing) Poor little bastard.
In all my years on the bench, I've never heard a case quite like this one.
Due to the contradictory testimony, I don't know which side to believe.
That said, this court has to decide which parent to award full custody.
I think this is going good.
Therefore, I think it's only prudent at this juncture to flip a coin.
Heads, he's yours; Tails, you're off scot-free.
It's heads! Congratulations.
This court awards you full custody of Chode McBlob Jr.
(groans) Everyone, this is my son.
Junior, this is Six, Auntie T'nuk, Uncle Gus and Bob the ship's computer.
- Ahem.
- Oh, right.
This is Whip.
I guess he's your cousin.
Nice to meet you, Junior.
Look, you can all stop pretending you want me here.
- I'll just go to my room.
- Well, that's nonsense.
- You don't even have a room.
- (grunts) (chuckles) What I mean to say is, you're going to be sharing a room with Whip.
- He's what? - Yeah, that's right, Whip.
Why don't you go help Junior get settled? Play some of your video games.
T'nuk: Pawning off your son like that.
Do you have antifreeze coursing through your veins? I was planning on spending quality time with him.
- Really? When? - Later on.
You know, after you and I hit the sheets - and play a little Mommy and Daddy.
- (groans) Or I could go play with the kid now, do the whole father-son- bonding thing.
Make him feel at home.
If I knew this was gonna be this much work, I would have gotten a puppy.
Hey, whatcha up to? I'm downloading a key code generator.
It can create virtually any passcode to any website.
You mean, like, angrytitty.
Com? That porn site costs me, like, Not anymore.
Now it's free.
- (moaning) - Junior, you know what this means? I'm sorry, Dad.
I know it's wrong.
Well, wrong is a relative term.
It's more like wrong adjacent.
I mean, it is a victimless crime.
(gasps) - If you say so, Dad.
- I say so, kiddo.
You know, I have a feeling you and I are gonna get along just fine.
- Humph! - If there's something on your mind, just say it.
We're all family here.
In that case, I can't help but feel slighted since Junior arrived.
Besides, I'm 17.
I think I'm a little old to be sharing a bedroom.
I agree with you.
From now on, you'll be bunking in the requisition headquarters.
The requisition headquarters? You mean the broom closet.
Well, it may be a little cozy, but with some fresh paint to get rid of the ammonia smell and a choicely positioned hammock, you could make the place your own Taj Mahole.
- (alarm buzzing) - Captain, the space pirates are back and they've caused a security breach in the ship's mainframe.
Okay, put up the shields, man the battle stations and prepare to go stealth.
The ship's mainframe is already infected, Chode.
There's nothing we can do.
Those pirates are gonna plunder us long and deep, hard and dry.
- Whip: I don't think so.
- Huh? A girl can dream, can't she? Attaboy, Whip.
That's the can-do attitude I wanna hear.
No can do.
- We're totally screwed.
- We're what? If I try tampering with the system at this point, we could lose vital functions.
It's over.
They win.
There is another way.
Since the pirates have already infected the core, it's possible to reverse the reaction by planting our own Trojan virus.
(beeping) Good luck with that.
We all stand a better chance of beelining it to the escape hatch.
All systems normal, Captain.
Security breach reversed.
Oh, you said Trojan virus.
Well, of course.
That's a no-brainer.
- Nice work, Junior.
- You're a genius.
- You must take after your mother.
- Way to go, little man.
- (clapping) - You really pulled that one out, kiddo.
- I'm proud of you.
- (muttering) (moaning) Come on, Six.
I gave you two minutes of foreplay.
Uh, hey there, kiddo.
Six and I were just I was just (chuckles) Pulling a piece of lint out of her vagina.
- What's up? - I couldn't sleep.
I kept having terrible nightmares of you dying.
There's no need to worry, kiddo.
I'm fine.
What if something happened to you? Mom doesn't want me.
I'd be alone.
There'd be no one to take care of me.
Aw, come on, kiddo.
I'd never let that happen to you.
I'm scared.
I don't wanna end up homeless with no means of support.
Without two kronigs to rub together.
Junior's got a point, Chode.
You should take out a life insurance policy.
- What's that? - An expensive lottery ticket sold to idiots by cheesy scam artists who prey upon our fear of our own mortality.
Forget it! I don't think that sounds like such a bad idea, Dad.
- Mmm.
- Okay, kiddo.
I'll do whatever it takes to make you feel better.
Now do you feel better, kiddo? It says that the double-indemnity clause payout for accidental or work-related death is two million kronigs.
- Is that correct? - Mm-hmm.
I do feel better, Dad.
What the hell do you want? I just stopped by to drop off some of Junior's things and see how he's doing.
You can stop playing the concerned mother, Danita.
He's doing just fine.
I'm sorry about having to take you to court, Chode.
But I knew that was the only way you'd ever agree to take him in.
That's ridiculous.
Well, maybe not that ridiculous.
I'd like to say goodbye to Junior.
Don't let me stop you.
Chode, could you give us a little privacy? Huh? What? Yeah, okay.
Good night, kiddo.
Is everything in place as we planned? Yeah.
How much longer do I have to keep up this charade? It won't be long now.
(both moaning) Ooh! Uncle Chode, there's something really important - I need to talk to you about.
- Chode: Go away, Whip! Can't you see the international symbol - that sex is going on? - Huh? Chode: The bra, you idiot.
The bra! - (thumping) - But it's about Junior.
I just discovered something about him we need to talk about.
(Chode and Six moaning) (gasps) Please, Uncle Chode.
This will only take five minutes.
Chode: So will this.
Now get lost! (grunting) (moaning) Yo, coz, what's up? You can drop the act.
I knew there was something off as soon as I saw you and your mama swapping saliva.
And unless your name is Oedipus, that was some sick Yeah, well, if you know what's good for you, you'll keep your mouth shut.
You think I'm afraid of you? I eat little turds like you for breakfast.
No wonder your breath smells like crap.
(screaming) - (moaning) - (clattering) Okay, you two.
Don't make me come down there.
(groans) I guess I'll have to.
I sure ain't gonna come down here.
(growls) Chode: That's it! I've had enough! - (Whip groans) - (Junior sobbing) - What the hell is going on in here? - Help me, Dad.
That insane lizard tried to kill me.
- But Uncle Chode - What are you thinking, Whip? Look at the poor kid.
You've scared the crap out of him.
Is that what that smell is? I should have known jealousy would rear its ugly head.
Please, you have to listen to me.
Junior isn't what you Huh-uh! I don't want to hear another word.
- Go straight to your broom closet.
- (groans) Jack: Give me one good reason why we shouldn't kill you right now.
And if I were you, I'd make sure that reason starts with a kronig sign.
- How about a million of them? - I'm listening.
Chode took out a life insurance policy worth two million kronigs naming my partner as sole beneficiary.
You kill Chode and we'll split it down the middle.
Typically, that's not how it works with pirates.
All we really do is rape and pillage.
He's right.
I mean, sometimes we may pillage then rape.
Why did you come to us? It has to be a work-related death for the double-indemnity clause to pay off.
And the threat of pirates is one of Chode's job descriptions.
Come on, boys.
It's easy money.
Now do you want the job or not? Finally, I can catch up on my favorite series "Queer as Dead Folk.
" (shrieks) (gasps) You boys wouldn't happen to be here because of that personal ad I took out a while back? (all screaming) Oh, please.
I'm not that bad.
Six, you really need to start waxing that upper lip of yours.
Huh? I believe we have some unfinished business.
Okay, Jack, take what you want.
Just don't hurt the women or children.
- (clears throat) - Or fey-acting robots.
Our only interest here is killing you, Chode.
- (gasps) - Me? What for? Because of a vested interest we have in a two million kronig life insurance policy.
You sold your own father off for money? No, it must have been Mom.
Give it up, Junior.
He's not Chode's son.
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
I did a little background check on him.
It turns out he's an unemployed actor - by the name of Clyde Stanley.
- (all gasp) You should have seen me playing Puck in Shakespeare in the Park.
I was the toast of the town.
I don't know what to say.
That was the most evil, devious, - underhanded, cold-blooded - Are you sure you're not his son? Get on with it.
He still legally adopted me, so I'm still the beneficiary.
Not exactly.
I never took out a policy on myself.
Do you have any idea what the rates are for someone who smokes, drinks, leads the life I do? He's lying.
I saw him sign it.
Oh, I signed a life insurance policy all right, but not for my life.
For yours.
Get Danita on the blower.
See, I knew this job had aggravation written all over it.
We rape and pillage, end of story.
Danita, there seems to be a question here as to exactly who's life is insured and who gets the money upon death.
What? This is ridiculous.
It says right here, "Insured Chode Junior.
" Mm-hmm, told ya.
Thanks, love.
We'll get back to you.
Now what do we do? Like Junior said I still legally adopted the bastard, so in case of death I still get a paycheck.
And if you finish the job, you can keep the lot.
(pirates muttering) Otherwise, you can rape and pillage, starting with me.
Let's finish the job.
Where is he? He just beamed himself off the ship.
We're in for a pound, boys.
Come on! (grunts) Huh? (gasps) I know what you're gonna say, Uncle Chode, but that's okay.
You don't have to apologize.
Actually, I was gonna tell T'nuk to hit hyperdrive and get us all the hell out of Dodge.
That policy I took out expired a few minutes ago, and those pirates are gonna be pissed when they find out.
- All: Huh? - Come on.
I ain't made of money.
I saved a fortune on that 24-hour special.
We have rift speed, Captain.
I don't understand, Chode.
At the time you took out the policy, you really believed Junior was your son.
Yeah, what's your point? You know, every time we think you've hit an all-time money-grubbing low, you always go and surprise us.
I know.
It's a gift.
I thought you hated fishing.
I do, but having Junior around got me thinking how I'm neglecting my own nephew.
Wait, you mean after everything you've been through, you actually learned something? That shouldn't be so hard to believe, Six.
- I am capable of change.
- (door opens) - Ready to go, kiddo? - Can't wait! Just make sure you have him back by dinner.
The little still has chores to do.
- (groans) - (shrieks) (sighs) (theme music playing)