Two and a Half Men s03e10 Episode Script

Pretty fancy prices here.
Yeah, well, just so we're clear, I am picking up the tab tonight.
- Okay.
- This is my celebration.
I invited you.
Fine.
- So don't go grabbing the check.
- I won't touch the check.
If you wanna leave the tip, that'd be okay.
I could do that.
I usually leave 15 percent but if you wanna leave 20, that's your call.
Thank you.
Unless you think it's easier if we just split the check.
Whatever.
Of course, in many families if someone is celebrating some good news his brother would insist on buying dinner.
- Then why don't I do that.
- But I'll leave the tip.
- One question.
- What? - Do you have any money? - No.
I left my wallet at home.
You mean this wallet? Oh, good, you found it.
I was looking all over.
So where did we leave things? You're paying, we're splitting? Oh, just shut up.
What's this good news you're celebrating? It's a surprise.
I wanna wait till Mom gets here.
Yes, Jake, we see the spoon on your nose, now stop it.
Can you do it? I don't want to do it.
Now, behave yourself.
Oh, work with me.
Just wonderful.
You pick a restaurant that has no valet.
I had to park three blocks away and then schlep here in shoes that are not for walking.
I've got a blister the size of a Communion wafer.
And if Mommy doesn't get something to drink immediately things are going to get very ugly.
Let the celebration begin.
Maybe the lesson here, Mom, is to buy shoes that are made for walking.
Is it just me? In a perfect world, it would be.
Well, anyway I'm here.
So, what's your big announcement, Alan? Jake, get that spoon off your nose.
- You don't know where it's been.
- It's been on my nose.
You really must start looking at trade schools for the boy.
Now that we are all here, I have some good news to share.
This is not gonna be on the newsstands for a couple of days but I have an advance copy.
"Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy.
" Good God.
- Hey, Dad, you're famous.
- Well, not really.
Well, among the readers of the Tarzana Pennysaver, maybe a little.
Don't forget the homeless people who make underpants out of it.
Charlie, don't be disrespectful.
Thank you, Mom.
So how much advertising did you have to buy in exchange for this puff piece? Why do you assume that I had to buy advertising? Is it that hard to believe that a local newspaper might run a cover story about a successful local chiropractor? Well, frankly, yes.
Unless the chiropractor shot four people to death in a mini-mart and then turned the weapon on himself.
You know, I get why Charlie has never acknowledged my accomplishments.
He's a hedonist who can't get behind anyone unless they're drunk and bent over a pool table.
That's fair.
But my own mother You're up.
Refusing to even feign interest.
I did so feign interest.
You assumed I had to buy advertising to get the article.
Well, did you? Neighborhood advertising is a good investment.
- But that is not the point.
- All right, what is the point? The point is, I can't even get a simple attaboy from own my mother.
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
Attaboy.
Feel better? - No, I do not feel better.
- Did I not say it right? You know what? Forget it.
Let's just order, eat and get out of here.
One more of these, and please keep them coming.
I'll buy the drinks.
Unless you wanna split it with me.
And you know what else? You know what else? No, Alan, what else? I cannot believe that our mother made us carry her to her car just because she had a teeny-weeny little blister on her foot.
Well, hopefully the next time we have to carry her she'll be in a handy urn.
I'll pay for the urn if you get the cremation.
Done.
- Jake? Where's my son? - Right here, Dad.
Oh, oh, good, good.
Now, listen, boy.
Your old dad is not going to be here for Is not going to be here forever.
And when I'm gone I want there to be no doubt in your mind that I was as proud as punch about all of your accomplishments, no matter how miniscule.
Boy, you're really plowed, aren't you? No.
Your daddy doesn't get plowed.
He just gets a little: Anyway, the important thing for you to know is how much I love you.
You told the waiter you loved him too.
He was a very good waiter.
And it's also important for you to know that you can be anything you want.
Anything in the world.
- No, I can't.
- You're right.
That's a crock.
But I love you and you have cheeks like a beaver.
Now go to bed.
Dad, we've been learning about alcohol abuse at school.
And if you ever need a new liver you can have half of mine.
Hey, hey, hey.
I thought we had a deal.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry, Dad.
Best 5 bucks I ever spent.
Now come on, let's tuck you into bed.
Why can't my mother appreciate me? All I wanted was one sincere attaboy.
Was that too much to ask? Attaboy.
Well, that looks like the last of the scallops.
Now all we gotta do is wait for dessert.
Rainbow sherbet.
Oh, that should be pretty.
You know, I have spent my entire life trying to please Mom to make her proud of me.
But no more.
I am done trying.
Good for you.
Oh, excuse me.
Nope.
You know, if you put the seat down, it's easier to rest your arms.
Oh, you're right.
You're a wise man, Charlie Harper.
Well, I do have a few pockets of specialized knowledge.
Some might call it wisdom.
And it seems warmer too.
It's further away from the cooling effect of the water.
Not to mention the residual body heat accrued from thousands of ass hours.
You've really given a lot of thought to this.
I'm thinking of writing a book.
And I will read it.
Thank you.
You know what I am, Charlie? Yes.
I am a pathological people pleaser.
I had an entirely different answer.
But more accurately, I am a woman pleaser.
No, Alan, I am a woman pleaser.
You're a lonely guy speckled with vomit.
No, I'm not speaking physically, I'm speaking psychologically.
With Mom.
With Judith.
With every woman I've ever met.
I have twisted myself into knots just trying to get them to like me.
My education my job, my clothes, my car my very behavior.
All chosen simply to get women to approve of me.
And how's that worked out for you? They don't approve of me.
But I am going to change, Charlie.
I am no longer going to grovel for Mom's approval or for the approval of any woman.
I am going to live the remainder of my life with pride and a quiet, noble dignity.
But first, I'll sleep with my head in the crapper.
Can I make you some oatmeal? I've got cereal.
I know.
I just thought you might enjoy something hot and quiet.
Nope.
Do you have a hangover? Yeah.
Drinking that much was a stupid thing to do.
So then why'd you do it? I don't know, Jake.
- Maybe I'm just stupid.
- Or maybe you just don't apply yourself.
Can we stop talking for a while? Okay.
Although I do like a little conversation at breakfast.
Morning, everybody.
He's hung-over.
Oh, yeah.
Well, isn't this an ironic turn of events? Me, waking up feeling all bright and chipper.
And you looking like a stool sample.
Not a big irony fan, huh? - Charlie? - Yeah.
Either stop talking or at least have the decency to kill me.
- Boy, I'm never gonna drink.
- Good job.
You scarred the kid for life.
Now he's gonna have to face junior high sober.
- Just tell me one thing.
- What's that? Did I really tell the waiter I loved him last night? You had to say something after a kiss like that.
Oh, God.
- I took care of your bathroom.
- Thank you.
I hope you like the smell of pine-scented puke.
So did I do anything else I'm gonna regret? - Well, you paid for dinner.
- Jeez.
And after we got home there was some drunken blubbering about how you weren't going to grovel for women.
Oh, right.
I almost forgot.
I had a life-changing epiphany last night.
Before or after you yakked up a hunk of your esophagus? No, no, it's no joke.
I've reached a turning point.
From this day on, my actions will no longer be predicated on pleasing the castrating mother figures in my life.
- What's so funny? - Nothing.
I think she doubts your epiphany.
She'll see.
They'll all see.
Starting now, I am a new Alan.
Oh, damn, I think I wet myself.
Starting now, I will fear no woman's disapproval.
Oh, God, that's Judith.
I was supposed to have Jake ready.
She's gonna kill me.
Okay, starting now.
Good for you.
- Oh, I better get that.
- Let her wait.
What she thinks of you doesn't matter.
What counts is what you think of you.
You're right.
It's what I think of me.
- Alan? - I had so much potential.
Okay, forget what you think of you.
Yeah, I'm probably too close to me to see me clearly.
Yeah, that's it.
Oh, do I smell like vomit? Don't worry, I'll stand next to you.
She'll assume it's me.
Good, good.
Hi, Alan.
Jake ready? - No, he is not.
- You said you'd have him ready.
Well, I don't.
And if that makes you unhappy with me, well, I don't give a rat's furry ass.
- What did you just say to me? - Nothing, I'm sorry.
Jake.
- Starting now? - Starting soon.
You know what that smell is? Epiphany for men.
So how long you been in Los Angeles? About eight months.
Haven't got a single audition yet.
Yeah, this can be a tough town when you don't know anybody.
So do you have like a headshot or a résumé? - Is he okay? - I don't know.
Sir, are you okay? - I thought we came here to talk.
- Not to each other.
- Let's talk.
What's bothering you? - I changed my mind - I don't wanna talk about it.
- Talk or die.
All right.
I'm depressed.
I wanna change but I can't.
Whenever I'm confronted by a disapproving woman, something inside me crumbles.
Well, Alan, maybe that's just who you are.
You know, fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, you gotta crumble.
What I don't understand is I can intellectually see the problem but I just can't do anything about it.
Excuse me.
Can I have more of these little pretzels? - In a minute.
- Okay, sorry.
No hurry.
Look, it's very simple.
You were conditioned to seek Mom's approval.
You're still seeking Mom's approval and you make every woman a substitute mom.
But what about you? We had the same mother.
I handle my conditioning in a different way.
I have casual and often degrading sex with my substitute moms but we're talking about you and not me so forget I said that.
Oh, how I'll try.
But how do you deal with the fear of disapproval? I mean, you must get shot down occasionally.
Occasionally? Constantly.
Constantly? Occasionally.
It's a numbers game, Alan.
We all want the shiny apple on top of the tree.
But sometimes you gotta settle for one on a lower branch.
Of course, there's times you pick up whatever's lying on the ground and put it in your mouth.
But how do you manage to keep going on in the face of constant rejection? Occasional rejection.
Okay, lesson one: Look around.
Out of all the women here, which one do you find the most attractive? Let's see.
Her.
The brunette? Why? I don't know, there's just something about her.
- Yeah, radiating waves of contempt.
- You asked me who I found attractive.
That's true.
She's your shiny apple.
Now go ask her if you can buy her a drink.
What about the radiating waves of contempt? That's just a defense mechanism for a girl in a lot of pain.
- Really? - How the hell should I know? The point is, you can't let fear stand in your way.
- Well, I disagree.
- Are you questioning my methods? - Because we can stop right now.
- No, no, I'll do it.
I'll do it.
Would you like some more pretzels? Well, I am in the mood for something salty and twisted.
- You're terrible.
- You have no idea.
- How'd it go? - She's really got a mouth on her.
So she rejected you? With anatomical specificity.
- Good.
- Good? How is that good? - How do you feel now? - What do you mean, how do I feel? - I feel humiliated.
- Where? - What? - Where is the humiliation? - Where do you feel it? - Oh, well, let's see.
My stomach's all knotted, my heart is pounding, I'm sweating like a pig.
Okay, end of lesson one.
That was lesson one? Lesson one sucked.
Lesson two: Have a drink.
No, sweetheart, have a real drink.
- I don't like Scotch.
- It's okay, it's bourbon.
Oh, all right.
More.
How do you feel now? - I feel a little better.
- Finish the drink.
Can I put some diet Sprite in it? Just finish it.
There you go.
Now how do you feel? I feel pretty good.
Like, to hell with her.
Who cares what she thinks? Perfect.
Now go ask that chick over there if you can buy her a drink.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, that's your big secret? Alcohol? Don't tell anybody.
- Isn't that just a temporary solution? - It's only temporary if you stop drinking.
I like it.
Diet Sprite.
I gotta hand it to you, Alan.
Most guys would be off scallops for a long time.
I like scallops.
But clearly they don't like you.
I guess you choose your seafood like you choose your women.
I beg to differ.
When it comes to women, I make them sick.
Fair enough.
So, what else did we learn tonight? Well, let's see.
I learned that to overcome my fear of rejection ingrained in me by an emotionally distant mother I need to completely disable my central nervous system with semi-lethal quantities of alcohol.
Bravo.
Hey, Charlie, are you coming to bed or what? I'll be there in a second.
- What're you looking at? - Sorry.
Very sorry.
So how've you been? It worked.
I am totally humiliated and I don't care.
You made real progress tonight.
I'm proud of you.
Thanks, Charlie.
You're a good teacher and a good brother.
Thanks.
Well, I guess it's time for me to go work out my issues.
Good night, pal.
Nighty-night.
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