What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s03e10 Episode Script
The Portrait
1
It's a really weird
time in the household
because Colin Robinson
is no longer with us.
I mean, vampires are
no strangers to death.
They deal with it every day
with the people that they kill.
But when they lose one of their own,
they just don't know
how to deal with it.
I mean, their only
funeral-type tradition
is that they get a new portrait made
with all of them except
for the newly deceased,
and I don't think that's
a really healthy way
of dealing with the
loss of a family member.
Perhaps we'd all like
to go around the room
and each one of say
something that we liked
- about Colin Robinson?
- Oh, leave us alone, Guillermo.
You're giving everyone a big bummer.
When she's right, she's right.
- Should he even be here?
- I know.
I did think this was sort of
a "vampires only" portrait.
Hey, he is a valued member of the team
and has every right
to be in this portrait.
Even though he is a dog.
I wasn't talking about
the dog, you halfwit,
I was talking about Gizmo.
Yes, well, Gizmo needs to be here
to help control the Hellhound.
If they talked about their feelings,
then the healing could begin.
Guillermo,
your Hellhound is wandering around
and pissing all over our floors.
And once they're healed,
they would realize that
the dynamic's a little off.
So maybe they need
to make a new vampire.
I-I just heard it, and I know
I know what you're thinking,
but I truly believe
that that's what's needed
to really restore And I deserve it.
Yeah, I took up painting
during season two of Grounded for Life.
As an actor, you spend a lot of time
sitting around your
trailer, waiting for them
to light the next scene or whatnot,
so I got some brushes and
a how-to book from Blick,
and I think I've gotten pretty good.
This is the cast of Grounded for Life.
Oh, my God, Jake and
Griffin were so squirrely,
I was like, "Look, here's the deal.
I'm gonna take a picture,
and then you guys can fuck off
and do whatever you want to do."
I finished the painting
from a photo, but you know,
that's the way a lot
of the masters work now.
This is the front gate
of Radford in Studio City.
I was really happy with
the way the light reflected
off the admin building that day.
I think I really captured it.
This was a gaffer I worked with on ER.
The guy had just such an amazing face,
I was just staring at it.
I was staring at it
when I was on camera,
which would get me in trouble, you know?
But I think I really got his essence.
So when the gang here
said that they needed
a new portrait done, I
said I'd be more than happy
to stick around and do it
because I had some downtime
between the next meeting of
the Worldwide Vampiric Council
and the two-episode arc I
booked on SVU next month.
You gotta remember I came
up with MTV in the '90s,
where they were like, "Go shoot
15 hours of Jimmy the Cab Driver,
and then we'll figure out
where to stick it later,"
- but when I got Grounded
- Oof.
- This buhbutz is really killing me.
- I know.
Right? I mean, I like the cinema,
but don't need to know
how the sausage is made.
Yeah, and it's kind of insensitive.
I mean, we're all still mourning
the death of Colin Robinson.
- I'm not.
- Well, that's what I'm talking about.
We need to talk about that.
- How you're feeling
- We don't need to talk about anything.
We are having our picture painted.
Then we will have a picture
that Colin Robinson is not in,
and we can forget about him
forever, and this will heal us.
Why did we have to rush it?
The corpse has barely begun to stink,
and we've got the Tao of Steve
- painting our portrait.
- Oh, here we go.
Nadja's masking her true
feelings with a joke.
That was not a joke.
A joke has a punchline.
And you wouldn't know a
punchline if it ran over
your scrotum with a penny farthing!
Oh, I am sorry, but that was a good one.
Also, I feast upon hate.
You know what? Fuck this whole thing!
Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!
You're cool. Fuck you, and fuck you!
- Fuck all this shit!
- Whoa.
You are not storming away from me.
I am storming away from you,
but in a different direction!
- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Fuck you.
You know what, maybe we should just
take five, shake it off.
When he says "take five," five of what?
And where are we taking them?
This last year, it has
not been easy on me.
My search for love has
been stymied at every turn.
- I'm a lesbian.
- Are you sure?
Definitely sure.
Would you do me the honor
of being my vampire bride?
I was married before.
I discovered that there is no meaning
or purpose to the universe,
because of the Big Bang Theory.
And on top of all that, the
death of Colin Robinson
it has, I must confess,
hit me quite hard.
Life is precious.
Even so-called eternal life can be
snuffed out at a moment's notice.
Colin Robinson's head
imploding into a pile of goo
has made me realize that I need
to make the most of my life.
Which is why I've decided to leave
Staten Island and travel the world.
- What?
- Visit the Great Fjords of whatever country they're in.
Get a job on one of those
boats that collect plastic
- from the ocean.
- What the hell are you talking about?
- Guillermo, did I not tell you all this already?
- No.
- Sorry. Would you mind giving us a moment?
- Sorry.
Can you just give us one minute?
- Thank you so much.
- Appreciate it.
Careful with the rug.
You can't make any
rational decisions right now
because you're dealing
with Colin Robinson's death
and you're running
away from your feelings.
Yeah. So what? I hate my feelings.
You know what, this plan,
it sounds great out loud,
but I-I, I just can't drop
everything that I'm doing.
I have duties, you
know. Responsibilities.
Like, my mom is here.
I can't just pack a bag
and go on a world tour with
you at the drop of a hat.
You're not coming with me.
What?
You are one of the things
I need to get away from
to make a fresh start.
No offense.
Okay, well, how you gonna travel?
Just by night? You're just gonna carry
your ancestral dirt with you
and your coffin wherever you go?
- That-that's insane.
- Yes, you're right.
There's a lot of details to figure out.
And you are going to
figure them out for me.
- Oh, surprise, surprise.
- As your last duty.
My sweet, sweet Guillermo.
You don't understand because?
I'm not a vampire.
Yes! Trust me,
Nadja and Laszlo, they
are itching to get away.
These vampire pods,
they don't last forever.
And I'm not gonna be
the last one in here
all alone like a fucking loser.
I would rather not talk about the death
of Shmolin Shmobinson
because my dear husband Laszlo
is having a bit of a
hard time dealing with it.
What are you talking about?
I said you were having
a hard time dealing
with Colin Robinson's very
disgusting and tragic death.
Well, that would be bullshit,
then, wouldn't it, my darling?
I couldn't give a tinker's fig.
People die all the time.
Animals die, plants die.
Oh, Gizmo, it's just you.
It's kind of important.
Can't you see I'm doing my
talking-to-the-camera thing?
I'm busy. Shoo!
by lunchtime I was in the whorehouse
with two prostitutes
and three good-time boys.
Hold on, I've just had the best idea.
I think I might know just the thing
to cheer you up, my love.
I don't need cheering up.
How's about me and you
take a lovely little trip
- back to merry old England?
- No.
We could get a red bus
and make love in it.
We could get a black
cab and make love in it.
We could go to Madame
Tussaud's and look around.
If I were to need rest and recuperation
for my dear friend's death,
that fuck hole would be
the last place on Earth
that I would choose to go back to.
You know this. I made a precious vow
- never to go back there again.
- Laszlo! Ugh!
United Kingdom? United
Ding-dong, more like.
Nadja, Nadja, I really need your help.
It's about Nandor.
I suppose we just wait. I don't know.
We have a problem.
You are not the only
one with problems, Gizmo!
Look at you. "Oh,
everyone feel sorry for me
'cause I'm a pathetic human,
and I can't fly, and all I do
is sit on the toilet all day."
Well, what about my
needs? Look. Look at this.
Uh, that's not how that works.
- Oh, you do it!
- Okay.
This is a glass paperweight,
and this is the TV control.
- We push this in
- Patronizing.
and play.
- This is not taping over RuPaul, is it?
- No, no.
- 'Cause I haven't seen the latest episode.
- It's a fresh
- Okay, good. What?
- We're recording.
Oh. Ahem.
Dark greetings, Nadja of Antipaxos.
You must know by now that I've had
my eye on you for quite some time.
Your work on your local Vampiric Council
has been quite impressive. Yas, queen.
Everyone is going on about it.
And thus, we would be delighted
for you to join us
in London, in England,
where you will take a
position that ranks amongst
the highest of all worldwide
Vampiric Council positions.
We do hope you'll accept
this offer promptly,
because as you know,
vampires hate waiting.
Even though we're immortal,
waiting is just still a thing.
So, if you accept, as fast as you can,
tape your acceptance speech
on a VHS tape, and then
put it in an envelope
and send it by mail,
and eventually it'll get to us.
This is your last ch
You're thinking of leaving, too?
Of course I want to leave.
It is such a great
honor and opportunity,
and I would have a chance
to finally do something
with my stupid eternal life.
But it is not to be.
- Good.
- What?!
I mean, uh, why?
Because Laszlo will
never go back to England.
You heard him. He has sworn it.
But I cannot leave him on his own.
You know, I went on holiday
for two weeks in 1924,
and when I got back, he
hadn't fed himself once.
He spent all his time
writing poetry and wanking.
So, no, I can't go.
So you're saying if Laszlo doesn't go,
then you certainly won't go?
I literally just said that to you.
I know it seems like I'm panicking,
but I'm not panicking.
It's just that I'm afraid
it's like a party; as soon as
one person leaves the party,
another person decides it's
okay for them to leave the party,
and before you know it,
the whole party's over.
And you devoted 12 years of your
life to a certain type of party,
and it's not gonna end like this!
Sorry.
Hey
Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you,
I just had a question.
If this has anything
to do with the fact that
I won't let anybody touch
Colin Robinson's body,
yet I myself have not
been down to the basement
to pay my respects, I can answer that.
There's nothing down
there. Only a bag of skin.
Plus I find that kind of
sentimental gesture fucking tawdry.
No, no, that wasn't it. I wasn't
No, it was just a random
question that I was
What do you think about England?
Is it a cool place to live?
No, it is absolutely
not a cool place to live.
- Why not?
- You want to know a story about
- England and the English way?
- Yeah.
I used to be a member of a club.
The Sherwood Club of London.
My father was a member of a club
called the Sherwood Club of London.
His father was a member of a club
called the Sherwood Club of London.
- You get where I'm going with this?
- I think so.
Anyway, treachery was
afoot, and I was expelled
from the Sherwood Club of London.
The decision was unanimous.
So I left the UK and came here,
to the New World.
To the land of opportunity,
where men and, I'm
told, some women
can be kings of their own castle.
Where industrialists can rub
shoulders with chimney sweeps.
My late friend Walt Whitman said to me,
- "You'd better put that away, Laszlo "
- So you're saying
you would never, ever
go back to England.
Yes, I am.
I would never, ever,
ever, ever, ever
go back to England.
Well, there you have it.
Oh.
- There's the bell.
- Five minutes, vamps.
- Time to get back to the portrait.
- Tell him to fuck off.
- I'm busy here.
- All right.
Plus, that conversation about
my homeland has given me the pip.
- Of course.
- I shall need ten minutes to recover.
Hel-lo.
Your English is coming along nicely.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey
- You see? You have made progress.
I have to remind myself
that vampires always make
these grandiose plans, but
they never see them through.
- Everything's gonna be A-ok
- It's a map.
It's a cape.
- It's a mape!
- I'll tell you what,
- world travel looks good on you, Nandor.
- Thank you.
Oh, hi, Guillermo. Good news.
She is an expert on
international vampire travel.
It's true. I book all the
trips for the Vampiric Council.
- Really the only fun part of my job.
- Yes.
Anyway, we figured out all the details
- so you don't have to worry about a thing.
- No.
I mean, I don't think
you've thought of everything.
- I mean, what about
- The coffin? Super easy.
All you need is
international bill of lading,
- and that's kind of it.
- Really?
- Here's a tip.
- Yes?
Put your ancestral soil in your Jansport
so it's always on your back, and
you can just lie down anywhere.
- What's a Jansport?
- It's a backpack.
- It's a very popular backpack.
- It's a children's backpack.
That's smart. That's very smart.
- Anyone could have thought of that.
- Let's celebrate.
Master, listen to me.
Nadja and Laszlo aren't
leaving after all.
So you don't have to worry
about being all by yourself.
But I'm excited for this trip now.
It's gonna be a real eat,
prey, love kind journey for me.
What do you mean? You're gonna pray?
Well, how am I gonna eat if
I don't prey on people, dummy?
Now, you must travel by
railway and always at night.
It's the only way to stay safe.
Plus, it's usually much cheaper.
Oh, I'm so excited.
I cannot wait to see all
the wonders of the world.
The Colossus of Rhodes.
The Hanging Gardens of Babylon.
The beautiful unmarred
face of the Sphinx.
Ah, cheers to that!
- We should finish our portrait.
- Come on, everybody!
- Shall we?
- Absolutely.
And there are so many
wonderful vampire hosts
- I can hook you up with.
- Oh, please.
You know, you spend
your whole life wanting
to shoot in New York;
Brooklyn in this case.
We were at Steiner Studios.
And then you find yourself
so far from your family,
- it gets kind of lonely.
- I have to say something.
- I'm sorry, Donal Logue.
- Quite all right.
I know that we're all
a little bit shaken up
- by the death of Colin Robinson.
- Speak for yourself.
I'm as dry as a nun's doodah.
Well, regardless, we have to remember
that there's the family
that you're born into,
and then there's your chosen family.
That's what we are.
We're a chosen family,
and it's a rare thing
I've been offered a job in England,
- and I want to move there!
- Whoo-hoo!
Over my dead body.
Well, it seems everyone's
getting into it now.
I have decided to leave
the island of Staten,
travel the world and
rediscover my groove.
- You are so selfish, Laszlo!
- She's right.
I made a vow never to return to
that cack house ever, ever again.
- But why?
- You know why.
- The British are a pack of classist wankers.
- Here, here.
And those fuckers expelled me
- from the Sherwood
- From the Sherwood Club.
Yes, I know. You have
told me so many times.
Yeah, I've told you so many times,
but I've never told you why.
And now I will.
I always thought it was because of
all the whores and the whoring.
They don't give a fuck about
whores and whoring, my darling.
They didn't even care
that I was a vampire.
What they did object
to, however, was the fact
that I fell in love
and eventually married
the most beautiful, simple girl.
A girl with no surname,
no social standing.
They actually called her a peasant girl.
A girl from a tiny village on a
dirt island in the Mediterranean.
That girl is the most beautiful girl
I have ever known.
That girl's name yes, my darling
- Is my name?
- Is your name. Nadja.
- Oh, snap.
- Snap, indeed, Donal.
But, my dark baby,
I will be returning to
England to assume a position
- on the Supreme Vampiric Council.
- Wait, what?
We would be going back as the tip
of the tops of the upper classes.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Well, that changes pretty
much fucking everything.
Count me in.
No, no, Laszlo,
you made a lifelong vow to never go back
- to that shithole, remember?
- Didn't you hear what she just said?
We're gonna rule the fucking place.
Rule Britannia!
- Oh, okay, yeah. Oh, yeah.
- Now I'm ready.
Now I am ready.
- So romantic. Great!
- Oh, yeah, get some.
It is decided, we will
all move on from this place
- and regroup elsewhere.
- Yes. Whoo-hoo!
I think we should all just
take a second, breathe.
You know, just take a deep breath.
And, I mean, the portrait's
not even done, so we could
- No, it's almost done.
- What?
And that's that.
So, you're all free to go about doing
whatever the hell it was
you were doing before.
Plus, I just got a text from my agent
that I have to do a
self-tape for a CBS pilot,
so Logue out.
Always a drama with this little rascal.
I will fix.
You know, usually when someone is upset,
they go to their own room,
but I understand why you
would come to my room,
as it is a far superior room to yours.
Which probably makes you
feel even more depressed.
- Is this your attempt at cheering me up?
- Guillermo
You want us to go through
this one more time? Hmm?
It is a very dangerous world out there.
You're joking, right? It's
me who's been protecting you!
So what, you shooed away some
assassins; who gives a shit?
If it wasn't for me,
you would be dead by now.
If not by assassins
then by my very own hands
because I am, and I will remind you,
by birth and lineage, a vampire killer.
And the only reason
you're alive is because
I let you live.
What did you just say?
I said, the only reason you're alive
is because I
let you live.
My poor, dear thing.
You forgot that we hypnotized you
to make it physically
impossible for you to harm me
or any or your masters.
Do you remember that? Hmm?
No, because we used hypnosis.
Hypnosis doesn't work on me.
I just let you think it did
so you wouldn't feel weak.
I never feel weak, my
furry little friend!
No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Master, your your
sword needs polishing.
It does?
Hey!
- Plancha!
- Don't you dare!
Ow.
Once a familiar, always a familiar!
Uh-uh-uh.
You almost hit John!
Yes, yes, finally.
This is what I've been waiting for.
- What?
- Put the crucifix away, Guillermo.
You have passed the test.
What test?
I have been worried that you
have been going a little soft.
But tonight, you have
proved to me finally
that you can take care of yourself.
And more importantly,
you can take care of me.
Guillermo de la Cruz,
will you do me the honor
of accompanying me on my
journey around the world?
You're just scared of me right now
If you accompany me on this journey,
when we arrive at the
banks of the River Tigris
in my homeland of Al-Qolnadar,
you will take a knee,
and I will make you
A vampire.
- Really?
- My word is my bond.
Then yes. Yes, of course
I'll go with you, Master.
There will be plenty of
time for that kind of thing.
- Right.
- Well
you should go, start
making arrangements.
Yes.
Let our great journey commence!
That little fucker can
really move when he wants to.
Yeah, I'm gonna miss this house, but
definitely won't miss cleaning it.
It'll be sad to say
bye to Nadja and Laszlo.
They're off on a big adventure now,
so I'm really happy for them.
Don't you even fucking dare!
But the real thing I'm
looking forward to is
traveling the whole world
with my Nand master.
Just the two of us.
- Master.
- Yes?
You need to hurry up.
I still have to help
Nadja and Laszlo load
their coffin into the boat.
And then you and I are
catching a midnight train.
Why are you helping them when
my ancestral soil needs scooping?
Because it's the last time
I can say goodbye to them.
- I thought you'd understand.
- Oh, Guillermo.
Fine, I will allow it.
But don't think for one second
I'll be getting into the habit
- of scooping my own soil.
- No, of course not.
Oh. Can you take my luggage
to the train station?
I don't want to carry it to the dock
and then have to carry it back
Hey! What, am I working for you now?
I'm kidding, Guillermo.
I will take your bag for you.
Okay, gracias.
- Knock, knock, Mr. Relentless.
- Hi.
Hello. I just wanted to say goodbye.
- Thank you.
- I got you a little card.
"Bon voyage."
Those are the wraiths' signatures.
- Oh.
- Some of them don't know how to write,
and others once did but
have long since forgotten,
so I just dipped their claws
in ink and let them go at it.
Smart.
Thank you.
Should we hug now, or ?
I think it would be too much.
- Okay.
- Nandor, I have come to bid you adieu.
You are a vampire I have
known for a while now,
and now our time together has ended.
Cheers! Bye! Ha!
Nadja, Laszlo, vámonos!
We have to go!
Don't you dare shout at me, Guillermo!
I could suck out all of your bodily
fluids in less than two seconds.
- Not gonna miss that.
- Laszlo?
Where are you? It's time to get to
Oh.
What were you doing in
the basement, my dear?
Nothing. Just taking
care of some business.
Oh, my sweet love.
Were you finally saying
goodbye to the decaying corpse
of your very dead friend Colin Robinson?
Something like that.
Are you okay? Do you
need a bit more time?
Not at all. I feel fine.
Let's rock and roll.
We're missing three boxes of porn.
Whoo-hoo! Guillermo, my things.
- Coming.
- Ah, smell the sea.
I do love a journey.
And I went ahead and downloaded
all the seasons of RuPaul's Drag Race.
Thank you very much, Guillermo.
It has been nice.
Yeah.
My darling, I will see you
when we are kissing the
ground of your native land
and make love on the bones
of those who scorned you.
Safe passage, my darling.
- Are you in?
- Yes. Lock me up.
Right. Now, come on, don't
fuck about, get that in.
Why do you have water and
food if you can't even eat it?
It's Oreos and Pedialyte.
This stuff's worth its weight
in gold where I come from.
I can barter that and
get anything I want.
Makes sense. Well, this is it.
- Indeed.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Right.
Safe fare.
You, too.
It's a lot of Oreos.
Make sure you look after my wife.
What? Aah! No! No, no, no, no!
No, no, no!
What the fuck?! Master!
Wait for me!
Help! Let me out! Let me out, Laszlo!
Laszlo, please don't! Hello! Hello?
Hey
All aboard!
Guillermo !
You coming or staying?
My dearest Nadja,
you must be deucedly cross
with me for my subterfuge.
But you have Gizmo at your side,
if he has not expired or
drowned in his own filth
during the transatlantic crossing.
I did cut a small hole in
the bottom of the coffin,
so if he is either
accurate or persistent,
he should be fine.
But I digress.
Guillermo is a damn good bodyguard.
He will keep you safe.
But the truth is, my darling,
you don't need anyone to keep you safe.
-
- Okay, so, this is my trinkets case.
Over these past 200 or 300 years,
- Hurry up!
- you have grown into a strong,
bold, independent woman of the world.
It is a strange and dangerous
netherworld we inhabit,
and I once thought you
too weak and defenseless
to navigate it on your own,
and that you needed
me about at all times
to take care of you.
But that is no longer
true, were it ever so.
Um
safe passage, Colin Robinson.
Not much more to say.
What's that
Oh, my
What the fuck?
What?
- Shit.
- There are, it seems,
others in our world
What's this shit?
whose future is far less certain,
whose existence
is even more terrifying and
mysterious than our own
who actually are
weak and defenseless,
who need protection and care.
Hello?
Shit.
And a little to the right.
Almost.
A little more to the right.
Just squaring it up.
And a little to
It's a really weird
time in the household
because Colin Robinson
is no longer with us.
I mean, vampires are
no strangers to death.
They deal with it every day
with the people that they kill.
But when they lose one of their own,
they just don't know
how to deal with it.
I mean, their only
funeral-type tradition
is that they get a new portrait made
with all of them except
for the newly deceased,
and I don't think that's
a really healthy way
of dealing with the
loss of a family member.
Perhaps we'd all like
to go around the room
and each one of say
something that we liked
- about Colin Robinson?
- Oh, leave us alone, Guillermo.
You're giving everyone a big bummer.
When she's right, she's right.
- Should he even be here?
- I know.
I did think this was sort of
a "vampires only" portrait.
Hey, he is a valued member of the team
and has every right
to be in this portrait.
Even though he is a dog.
I wasn't talking about
the dog, you halfwit,
I was talking about Gizmo.
Yes, well, Gizmo needs to be here
to help control the Hellhound.
If they talked about their feelings,
then the healing could begin.
Guillermo,
your Hellhound is wandering around
and pissing all over our floors.
And once they're healed,
they would realize that
the dynamic's a little off.
So maybe they need
to make a new vampire.
I-I just heard it, and I know
I know what you're thinking,
but I truly believe
that that's what's needed
to really restore And I deserve it.
Yeah, I took up painting
during season two of Grounded for Life.
As an actor, you spend a lot of time
sitting around your
trailer, waiting for them
to light the next scene or whatnot,
so I got some brushes and
a how-to book from Blick,
and I think I've gotten pretty good.
This is the cast of Grounded for Life.
Oh, my God, Jake and
Griffin were so squirrely,
I was like, "Look, here's the deal.
I'm gonna take a picture,
and then you guys can fuck off
and do whatever you want to do."
I finished the painting
from a photo, but you know,
that's the way a lot
of the masters work now.
This is the front gate
of Radford in Studio City.
I was really happy with
the way the light reflected
off the admin building that day.
I think I really captured it.
This was a gaffer I worked with on ER.
The guy had just such an amazing face,
I was just staring at it.
I was staring at it
when I was on camera,
which would get me in trouble, you know?
But I think I really got his essence.
So when the gang here
said that they needed
a new portrait done, I
said I'd be more than happy
to stick around and do it
because I had some downtime
between the next meeting of
the Worldwide Vampiric Council
and the two-episode arc I
booked on SVU next month.
You gotta remember I came
up with MTV in the '90s,
where they were like, "Go shoot
15 hours of Jimmy the Cab Driver,
and then we'll figure out
where to stick it later,"
- but when I got Grounded
- Oof.
- This buhbutz is really killing me.
- I know.
Right? I mean, I like the cinema,
but don't need to know
how the sausage is made.
Yeah, and it's kind of insensitive.
I mean, we're all still mourning
the death of Colin Robinson.
- I'm not.
- Well, that's what I'm talking about.
We need to talk about that.
- How you're feeling
- We don't need to talk about anything.
We are having our picture painted.
Then we will have a picture
that Colin Robinson is not in,
and we can forget about him
forever, and this will heal us.
Why did we have to rush it?
The corpse has barely begun to stink,
and we've got the Tao of Steve
- painting our portrait.
- Oh, here we go.
Nadja's masking her true
feelings with a joke.
That was not a joke.
A joke has a punchline.
And you wouldn't know a
punchline if it ran over
your scrotum with a penny farthing!
Oh, I am sorry, but that was a good one.
Also, I feast upon hate.
You know what? Fuck this whole thing!
Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!
You're cool. Fuck you, and fuck you!
- Fuck all this shit!
- Whoa.
You are not storming away from me.
I am storming away from you,
but in a different direction!
- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Fuck you.
You know what, maybe we should just
take five, shake it off.
When he says "take five," five of what?
And where are we taking them?
This last year, it has
not been easy on me.
My search for love has
been stymied at every turn.
- I'm a lesbian.
- Are you sure?
Definitely sure.
Would you do me the honor
of being my vampire bride?
I was married before.
I discovered that there is no meaning
or purpose to the universe,
because of the Big Bang Theory.
And on top of all that, the
death of Colin Robinson
it has, I must confess,
hit me quite hard.
Life is precious.
Even so-called eternal life can be
snuffed out at a moment's notice.
Colin Robinson's head
imploding into a pile of goo
has made me realize that I need
to make the most of my life.
Which is why I've decided to leave
Staten Island and travel the world.
- What?
- Visit the Great Fjords of whatever country they're in.
Get a job on one of those
boats that collect plastic
- from the ocean.
- What the hell are you talking about?
- Guillermo, did I not tell you all this already?
- No.
- Sorry. Would you mind giving us a moment?
- Sorry.
Can you just give us one minute?
- Thank you so much.
- Appreciate it.
Careful with the rug.
You can't make any
rational decisions right now
because you're dealing
with Colin Robinson's death
and you're running
away from your feelings.
Yeah. So what? I hate my feelings.
You know what, this plan,
it sounds great out loud,
but I-I, I just can't drop
everything that I'm doing.
I have duties, you
know. Responsibilities.
Like, my mom is here.
I can't just pack a bag
and go on a world tour with
you at the drop of a hat.
You're not coming with me.
What?
You are one of the things
I need to get away from
to make a fresh start.
No offense.
Okay, well, how you gonna travel?
Just by night? You're just gonna carry
your ancestral dirt with you
and your coffin wherever you go?
- That-that's insane.
- Yes, you're right.
There's a lot of details to figure out.
And you are going to
figure them out for me.
- Oh, surprise, surprise.
- As your last duty.
My sweet, sweet Guillermo.
You don't understand because?
I'm not a vampire.
Yes! Trust me,
Nadja and Laszlo, they
are itching to get away.
These vampire pods,
they don't last forever.
And I'm not gonna be
the last one in here
all alone like a fucking loser.
I would rather not talk about the death
of Shmolin Shmobinson
because my dear husband Laszlo
is having a bit of a
hard time dealing with it.
What are you talking about?
I said you were having
a hard time dealing
with Colin Robinson's very
disgusting and tragic death.
Well, that would be bullshit,
then, wouldn't it, my darling?
I couldn't give a tinker's fig.
People die all the time.
Animals die, plants die.
Oh, Gizmo, it's just you.
It's kind of important.
Can't you see I'm doing my
talking-to-the-camera thing?
I'm busy. Shoo!
by lunchtime I was in the whorehouse
with two prostitutes
and three good-time boys.
Hold on, I've just had the best idea.
I think I might know just the thing
to cheer you up, my love.
I don't need cheering up.
How's about me and you
take a lovely little trip
- back to merry old England?
- No.
We could get a red bus
and make love in it.
We could get a black
cab and make love in it.
We could go to Madame
Tussaud's and look around.
If I were to need rest and recuperation
for my dear friend's death,
that fuck hole would be
the last place on Earth
that I would choose to go back to.
You know this. I made a precious vow
- never to go back there again.
- Laszlo! Ugh!
United Kingdom? United
Ding-dong, more like.
Nadja, Nadja, I really need your help.
It's about Nandor.
I suppose we just wait. I don't know.
We have a problem.
You are not the only
one with problems, Gizmo!
Look at you. "Oh,
everyone feel sorry for me
'cause I'm a pathetic human,
and I can't fly, and all I do
is sit on the toilet all day."
Well, what about my
needs? Look. Look at this.
Uh, that's not how that works.
- Oh, you do it!
- Okay.
This is a glass paperweight,
and this is the TV control.
- We push this in
- Patronizing.
and play.
- This is not taping over RuPaul, is it?
- No, no.
- 'Cause I haven't seen the latest episode.
- It's a fresh
- Okay, good. What?
- We're recording.
Oh. Ahem.
Dark greetings, Nadja of Antipaxos.
You must know by now that I've had
my eye on you for quite some time.
Your work on your local Vampiric Council
has been quite impressive. Yas, queen.
Everyone is going on about it.
And thus, we would be delighted
for you to join us
in London, in England,
where you will take a
position that ranks amongst
the highest of all worldwide
Vampiric Council positions.
We do hope you'll accept
this offer promptly,
because as you know,
vampires hate waiting.
Even though we're immortal,
waiting is just still a thing.
So, if you accept, as fast as you can,
tape your acceptance speech
on a VHS tape, and then
put it in an envelope
and send it by mail,
and eventually it'll get to us.
This is your last ch
You're thinking of leaving, too?
Of course I want to leave.
It is such a great
honor and opportunity,
and I would have a chance
to finally do something
with my stupid eternal life.
But it is not to be.
- Good.
- What?!
I mean, uh, why?
Because Laszlo will
never go back to England.
You heard him. He has sworn it.
But I cannot leave him on his own.
You know, I went on holiday
for two weeks in 1924,
and when I got back, he
hadn't fed himself once.
He spent all his time
writing poetry and wanking.
So, no, I can't go.
So you're saying if Laszlo doesn't go,
then you certainly won't go?
I literally just said that to you.
I know it seems like I'm panicking,
but I'm not panicking.
It's just that I'm afraid
it's like a party; as soon as
one person leaves the party,
another person decides it's
okay for them to leave the party,
and before you know it,
the whole party's over.
And you devoted 12 years of your
life to a certain type of party,
and it's not gonna end like this!
Sorry.
Hey
Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you,
I just had a question.
If this has anything
to do with the fact that
I won't let anybody touch
Colin Robinson's body,
yet I myself have not
been down to the basement
to pay my respects, I can answer that.
There's nothing down
there. Only a bag of skin.
Plus I find that kind of
sentimental gesture fucking tawdry.
No, no, that wasn't it. I wasn't
No, it was just a random
question that I was
What do you think about England?
Is it a cool place to live?
No, it is absolutely
not a cool place to live.
- Why not?
- You want to know a story about
- England and the English way?
- Yeah.
I used to be a member of a club.
The Sherwood Club of London.
My father was a member of a club
called the Sherwood Club of London.
His father was a member of a club
called the Sherwood Club of London.
- You get where I'm going with this?
- I think so.
Anyway, treachery was
afoot, and I was expelled
from the Sherwood Club of London.
The decision was unanimous.
So I left the UK and came here,
to the New World.
To the land of opportunity,
where men and, I'm
told, some women
can be kings of their own castle.
Where industrialists can rub
shoulders with chimney sweeps.
My late friend Walt Whitman said to me,
- "You'd better put that away, Laszlo "
- So you're saying
you would never, ever
go back to England.
Yes, I am.
I would never, ever,
ever, ever, ever
go back to England.
Well, there you have it.
Oh.
- There's the bell.
- Five minutes, vamps.
- Time to get back to the portrait.
- Tell him to fuck off.
- I'm busy here.
- All right.
Plus, that conversation about
my homeland has given me the pip.
- Of course.
- I shall need ten minutes to recover.
Hel-lo.
Your English is coming along nicely.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey
- You see? You have made progress.
I have to remind myself
that vampires always make
these grandiose plans, but
they never see them through.
- Everything's gonna be A-ok
- It's a map.
It's a cape.
- It's a mape!
- I'll tell you what,
- world travel looks good on you, Nandor.
- Thank you.
Oh, hi, Guillermo. Good news.
She is an expert on
international vampire travel.
It's true. I book all the
trips for the Vampiric Council.
- Really the only fun part of my job.
- Yes.
Anyway, we figured out all the details
- so you don't have to worry about a thing.
- No.
I mean, I don't think
you've thought of everything.
- I mean, what about
- The coffin? Super easy.
All you need is
international bill of lading,
- and that's kind of it.
- Really?
- Here's a tip.
- Yes?
Put your ancestral soil in your Jansport
so it's always on your back, and
you can just lie down anywhere.
- What's a Jansport?
- It's a backpack.
- It's a very popular backpack.
- It's a children's backpack.
That's smart. That's very smart.
- Anyone could have thought of that.
- Let's celebrate.
Master, listen to me.
Nadja and Laszlo aren't
leaving after all.
So you don't have to worry
about being all by yourself.
But I'm excited for this trip now.
It's gonna be a real eat,
prey, love kind journey for me.
What do you mean? You're gonna pray?
Well, how am I gonna eat if
I don't prey on people, dummy?
Now, you must travel by
railway and always at night.
It's the only way to stay safe.
Plus, it's usually much cheaper.
Oh, I'm so excited.
I cannot wait to see all
the wonders of the world.
The Colossus of Rhodes.
The Hanging Gardens of Babylon.
The beautiful unmarred
face of the Sphinx.
Ah, cheers to that!
- We should finish our portrait.
- Come on, everybody!
- Shall we?
- Absolutely.
And there are so many
wonderful vampire hosts
- I can hook you up with.
- Oh, please.
You know, you spend
your whole life wanting
to shoot in New York;
Brooklyn in this case.
We were at Steiner Studios.
And then you find yourself
so far from your family,
- it gets kind of lonely.
- I have to say something.
- I'm sorry, Donal Logue.
- Quite all right.
I know that we're all
a little bit shaken up
- by the death of Colin Robinson.
- Speak for yourself.
I'm as dry as a nun's doodah.
Well, regardless, we have to remember
that there's the family
that you're born into,
and then there's your chosen family.
That's what we are.
We're a chosen family,
and it's a rare thing
I've been offered a job in England,
- and I want to move there!
- Whoo-hoo!
Over my dead body.
Well, it seems everyone's
getting into it now.
I have decided to leave
the island of Staten,
travel the world and
rediscover my groove.
- You are so selfish, Laszlo!
- She's right.
I made a vow never to return to
that cack house ever, ever again.
- But why?
- You know why.
- The British are a pack of classist wankers.
- Here, here.
And those fuckers expelled me
- from the Sherwood
- From the Sherwood Club.
Yes, I know. You have
told me so many times.
Yeah, I've told you so many times,
but I've never told you why.
And now I will.
I always thought it was because of
all the whores and the whoring.
They don't give a fuck about
whores and whoring, my darling.
They didn't even care
that I was a vampire.
What they did object
to, however, was the fact
that I fell in love
and eventually married
the most beautiful, simple girl.
A girl with no surname,
no social standing.
They actually called her a peasant girl.
A girl from a tiny village on a
dirt island in the Mediterranean.
That girl is the most beautiful girl
I have ever known.
That girl's name yes, my darling
- Is my name?
- Is your name. Nadja.
- Oh, snap.
- Snap, indeed, Donal.
But, my dark baby,
I will be returning to
England to assume a position
- on the Supreme Vampiric Council.
- Wait, what?
We would be going back as the tip
of the tops of the upper classes.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Well, that changes pretty
much fucking everything.
Count me in.
No, no, Laszlo,
you made a lifelong vow to never go back
- to that shithole, remember?
- Didn't you hear what she just said?
We're gonna rule the fucking place.
Rule Britannia!
- Oh, okay, yeah. Oh, yeah.
- Now I'm ready.
Now I am ready.
- So romantic. Great!
- Oh, yeah, get some.
It is decided, we will
all move on from this place
- and regroup elsewhere.
- Yes. Whoo-hoo!
I think we should all just
take a second, breathe.
You know, just take a deep breath.
And, I mean, the portrait's
not even done, so we could
- No, it's almost done.
- What?
And that's that.
So, you're all free to go about doing
whatever the hell it was
you were doing before.
Plus, I just got a text from my agent
that I have to do a
self-tape for a CBS pilot,
so Logue out.
Always a drama with this little rascal.
I will fix.
You know, usually when someone is upset,
they go to their own room,
but I understand why you
would come to my room,
as it is a far superior room to yours.
Which probably makes you
feel even more depressed.
- Is this your attempt at cheering me up?
- Guillermo
You want us to go through
this one more time? Hmm?
It is a very dangerous world out there.
You're joking, right? It's
me who's been protecting you!
So what, you shooed away some
assassins; who gives a shit?
If it wasn't for me,
you would be dead by now.
If not by assassins
then by my very own hands
because I am, and I will remind you,
by birth and lineage, a vampire killer.
And the only reason
you're alive is because
I let you live.
What did you just say?
I said, the only reason you're alive
is because I
let you live.
My poor, dear thing.
You forgot that we hypnotized you
to make it physically
impossible for you to harm me
or any or your masters.
Do you remember that? Hmm?
No, because we used hypnosis.
Hypnosis doesn't work on me.
I just let you think it did
so you wouldn't feel weak.
I never feel weak, my
furry little friend!
No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Master, your your
sword needs polishing.
It does?
Hey!
- Plancha!
- Don't you dare!
Ow.
Once a familiar, always a familiar!
Uh-uh-uh.
You almost hit John!
Yes, yes, finally.
This is what I've been waiting for.
- What?
- Put the crucifix away, Guillermo.
You have passed the test.
What test?
I have been worried that you
have been going a little soft.
But tonight, you have
proved to me finally
that you can take care of yourself.
And more importantly,
you can take care of me.
Guillermo de la Cruz,
will you do me the honor
of accompanying me on my
journey around the world?
You're just scared of me right now
If you accompany me on this journey,
when we arrive at the
banks of the River Tigris
in my homeland of Al-Qolnadar,
you will take a knee,
and I will make you
A vampire.
- Really?
- My word is my bond.
Then yes. Yes, of course
I'll go with you, Master.
There will be plenty of
time for that kind of thing.
- Right.
- Well
you should go, start
making arrangements.
Yes.
Let our great journey commence!
That little fucker can
really move when he wants to.
Yeah, I'm gonna miss this house, but
definitely won't miss cleaning it.
It'll be sad to say
bye to Nadja and Laszlo.
They're off on a big adventure now,
so I'm really happy for them.
Don't you even fucking dare!
But the real thing I'm
looking forward to is
traveling the whole world
with my Nand master.
Just the two of us.
- Master.
- Yes?
You need to hurry up.
I still have to help
Nadja and Laszlo load
their coffin into the boat.
And then you and I are
catching a midnight train.
Why are you helping them when
my ancestral soil needs scooping?
Because it's the last time
I can say goodbye to them.
- I thought you'd understand.
- Oh, Guillermo.
Fine, I will allow it.
But don't think for one second
I'll be getting into the habit
- of scooping my own soil.
- No, of course not.
Oh. Can you take my luggage
to the train station?
I don't want to carry it to the dock
and then have to carry it back
Hey! What, am I working for you now?
I'm kidding, Guillermo.
I will take your bag for you.
Okay, gracias.
- Knock, knock, Mr. Relentless.
- Hi.
Hello. I just wanted to say goodbye.
- Thank you.
- I got you a little card.
"Bon voyage."
Those are the wraiths' signatures.
- Oh.
- Some of them don't know how to write,
and others once did but
have long since forgotten,
so I just dipped their claws
in ink and let them go at it.
Smart.
Thank you.
Should we hug now, or ?
I think it would be too much.
- Okay.
- Nandor, I have come to bid you adieu.
You are a vampire I have
known for a while now,
and now our time together has ended.
Cheers! Bye! Ha!
Nadja, Laszlo, vámonos!
We have to go!
Don't you dare shout at me, Guillermo!
I could suck out all of your bodily
fluids in less than two seconds.
- Not gonna miss that.
- Laszlo?
Where are you? It's time to get to
Oh.
What were you doing in
the basement, my dear?
Nothing. Just taking
care of some business.
Oh, my sweet love.
Were you finally saying
goodbye to the decaying corpse
of your very dead friend Colin Robinson?
Something like that.
Are you okay? Do you
need a bit more time?
Not at all. I feel fine.
Let's rock and roll.
We're missing three boxes of porn.
Whoo-hoo! Guillermo, my things.
- Coming.
- Ah, smell the sea.
I do love a journey.
And I went ahead and downloaded
all the seasons of RuPaul's Drag Race.
Thank you very much, Guillermo.
It has been nice.
Yeah.
My darling, I will see you
when we are kissing the
ground of your native land
and make love on the bones
of those who scorned you.
Safe passage, my darling.
- Are you in?
- Yes. Lock me up.
Right. Now, come on, don't
fuck about, get that in.
Why do you have water and
food if you can't even eat it?
It's Oreos and Pedialyte.
This stuff's worth its weight
in gold where I come from.
I can barter that and
get anything I want.
Makes sense. Well, this is it.
- Indeed.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Right.
Safe fare.
You, too.
It's a lot of Oreos.
Make sure you look after my wife.
What? Aah! No! No, no, no, no!
No, no, no!
What the fuck?! Master!
Wait for me!
Help! Let me out! Let me out, Laszlo!
Laszlo, please don't! Hello! Hello?
Hey
All aboard!
Guillermo !
You coming or staying?
My dearest Nadja,
you must be deucedly cross
with me for my subterfuge.
But you have Gizmo at your side,
if he has not expired or
drowned in his own filth
during the transatlantic crossing.
I did cut a small hole in
the bottom of the coffin,
so if he is either
accurate or persistent,
he should be fine.
But I digress.
Guillermo is a damn good bodyguard.
He will keep you safe.
But the truth is, my darling,
you don't need anyone to keep you safe.
-
- Okay, so, this is my trinkets case.
Over these past 200 or 300 years,
- Hurry up!
- you have grown into a strong,
bold, independent woman of the world.
It is a strange and dangerous
netherworld we inhabit,
and I once thought you
too weak and defenseless
to navigate it on your own,
and that you needed
me about at all times
to take care of you.
But that is no longer
true, were it ever so.
Um
safe passage, Colin Robinson.
Not much more to say.
What's that
Oh, my
What the fuck?
What?
- Shit.
- There are, it seems,
others in our world
What's this shit?
whose future is far less certain,
whose existence
is even more terrifying and
mysterious than our own
who actually are
weak and defenseless,
who need protection and care.
Hello?
Shit.
And a little to the right.
Almost.
A little more to the right.
Just squaring it up.
And a little to