Workaholics s03e10 Episode Script

The Illusionist blows it out of the water.
You're kidding.
Ed Norton sucks.
- I'm not defending ed Norton.
- What about the title? He's not even a real magician.
He's an illusionist? You watch your mouth.
"Adam 'Dwaynethe rock roommate demamp'"? All right.
Aah, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Whoa, no, no, no.
I am so sorry.
I was not expecting anybody.
- It's move-in day.
- Oh, wow, okay.
Pointing fingers already.
Not a good start to our relationship.
Hope you don't mind, I already kinda laid claim to this squadrent.
That's great, 'cause I got the microwave, and I'll just put it there, so Sick.
I love popcorn, so Hey.
Greetings, earthlings.
Anders Holmvik, resident advisor.
- Hi, I'm Blake.
- Blake.
What's up? I'm Adam.
Demamp.
Uh, you play sports.
- Swim team.
- So no? Sorry, that was that was a funny one.
- Oh, yeah? That's funny? You know what's not funny? Burning alive in the middle of the night because you don't know your microwave just caught on fire.
Microwaves, not allowed in the dorm.
So I'll be taking this, because I'm your R.
A.
Hey, no, I didn't mean all that.
Come on, man, just gimme a break.
There are no breaks in college! Oh, hey, hey, hey! Cut it out! Pull those up! I'm sorry, I was so close to finishing when you came in, initially.
You're lucky I don't write you up.
All right, you two are on my s---t list.
And it's a short list.
It's too long.
T-o-o long.
Greetings, earthlings.
Anders Holmvik, resident advisor.
So are you gonna be turned around for a while, or It's always times like these when I think of you And I wonder if you ever think of me What to do to die today at a minute or two to two.
Hey, dude, they give you pudding, man.
- Hey, dude.
- You go in the cafeteria, and you just swipe a card, and they give you as much pudding as you want.
- Oh, cool.
- What's this, your schedule? - Yeah, yeah.
What's up with all this theater, man? Well, I'm a theater major, so yeah, I caught the acting bug pretty bad.
But yeah, I already auditioned for the fall production les miserables.
- That's cool.
So can you, like, cry on command and stuff? Oh, yeah, it's easy.
Think of something really sad real quick.
Like, a bundle of babies exploding, or, like, dogs exploding.
Or, like like, maybe your mom's really sick, or you, like, walked in on, like on her rape you now, stop him you can't stop him because he's bigger than you.
Like, you just think of that Oh, that hit so close to home for me.
My dog actually exploded when I was a kid.
- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to - It's okay.
- You are a really good actor.
- Thank you.
You're like Seann Williams Scott.
You're at a Seann Williams Scott level.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Well, you know, it's just living truthfully in imaginary circumstances, and whatever.
Enough about me.
What's what's on your schedule? Oh, me Women's sexuality, sexual revolution, the human body, remedial math The Bible as literature.
I'm doing that for my gf.
Get the heck out of here.
You already scored a girlfriend? Oh, no, she's back in high school.
We're, like, crazy religious, though.
We always get on our knees And pray to Jesus.
- Not orally, please.
- Oh.
You know, she's actually coming next weekend.
We'll go see you act the out of that play, dude.
Uh, that's not for a while.
Plus, I already got cast as, like, a police officer.
I'm just in the background.
I don't even have lines.
- What? - Yeah, I know.
It's just a popularity contest when you get down to it.
Whoa, man.
I'm, like, the most popular dude in my high school now that I've graduated high school, and I am throwing you A party, bro, so you can infiltrate that theater-nerd crew.
Like in mean girls.
Yes! You know, Mean girls is my favorite movie.
It's mine too.
The DVD special commentary - Oh! - Oh, my God.
Oh, my - listen to it.
Lindsay just tells all.
Oh, yeah.
Tina Fey.
You growing your hair out for Jesus Christ superstar? That's really cool.
It looks great.
That's dedication.
I love it.
How about we celebrate my first night in college with a little Finger sinning? You're so bad.
- We could try for two.
- Stop.
I wanna try two.
You wanna try two? Oh, my gosh.
Adam.
Adam.
The student director of les mis, he's here.
- He actually came.
- Yes! Cranium? The children's game? No, thank you.
This is great, dude.
This is exactly why we threw the party.
Oh, no, I can't do it, man.
I'm gonna blow it again.
I'm too nervous.
Don't get nervous.
Smoke a little chron-chron, my baby.
I've never tried it.
I have a bevy of mixers off-campus to attend.
Do you know about off-campus? Or are you only aware of the world immediately in front of you? Yes, look at that, it's time for me to go.
It's showtime, bro-time.
Uh, actually, wait right here.
Uhoh, guys, I wonder who's knick-knocking on our door.
Who's here right now? This is weird, because all my friends are here.
Is it The Napoleon dynamite? Gosh! Gosh Gosh.
Gosh! Wow, he is a true talent.
You should probably cast him in the miserable lesbian play you're doing.
Mm, no.
Come on, Tina, eat your dinner, you fat tub of lard! From the movie! Tina, from the mo - Thanks.
Vote for Pedro.
That was a funny part "liger.
" What the hell is going on in here? Why is everyone clapping? Is that music? Chill out, man.
- Take a seat, grab a beer.
- You know what? It's 9:30, and you live on the swim team floor.
We hit the water at 6:00 A.
M.
for an 800 skip 'em.
Which means lights out at 10:00.
Which tells me you need to brush your teeth and get on your jammy-jams.
Hey, come on, man.
You're being a frikkin' idiot! I'm not an idiot.
I'm a smart person.
Everybody out of here.
Come on! See you at class tomorrow.
I'm remembering all your faces.
Scanning them now.
Hey, babe.
Um, I'll just drive home and come back next weekend.
I swear to you, next weekend I'm gonna finger bang you so good I swear to God.
Or other stuff, you know.
It depen whatever you want to okay.
How do you feel? That girl's probably gonna kill herself because I don't get to finger bang her.
- Sure.
- Yeah, what the heck, man! I was just about to do the tetherball scene! And then you came in and made me look like an amateur in front of my director.
Yeah, you're crampin' our stees.
You know what's amateur? Doing a Napoleon Dynamite impression and not wearing moon boots.
Oh Welcome to college Again.
Lights out, girls.
- Lights out.
- Holmvik.
- You shut down that party? - Oh, hey, Lance, yeah.
Dude, I went in there, and I was, like, "Who's clapping? Why are you clapping?" Then I heard music, and I couldn't find it at first, but then I found it I shut it off, so we can hit the hay.
Actually, me and the distance guys are getting in there first thing in the morning, so you need to run down to the pool and change the lanes to short course.
Wait, what if what if we woke up some of the freshmen and made them do it? Freak 'em out, right? And go, "you gotta go change the Lane lines now!" - Is that a joke? - No.
Dude, you know that hazing is a really serious offense? - Right.
- If I wanted a joke, I would turn on Mind of Mencia, and I would just laugh my shaft off.
All right, well, I'll just, uh I'll go change those lane lines.
- Yeah.
Thanks, man.
- Oh-ho! - Ow.
- And you know what? You should probably lay off the enchiladas in the caf.
- Oh, okay.
I will If you do.
'Cause I think you need to lay off the enchiladas in the caf.
No, Holmvik, I'm not joking.
You're growing tits.
Oh, all right I'll lay off.
Guy totally ruined my Dynamite Napoleon impression.
Now what? I'm working on Shrek, but It's years away, donkey.
Jesus Christ You ooze talent.
That was disgusting.
And I can't even concentrate on that because I'm too busy hating that dude.
I don't blame the guy, though.
He's cranky 'cause he has to wake up so early for swim practice.
You know what? Maybe we need to make it so that he never, ever wakes up for swim practice again.
One time I went swimming in, like, the neighbor's pool when they had just shocked it with chlorine.
My skin got all fiery red, and my hair straightened out for, like, a month.
When I was a toddler, I actually fell into a washing machine full of bleach, and I didn't get itchy at all.
I did die, though For, like, four minutes.
The doctors said they couldn't believe how much brain damage I didn't get.
They were, like, really impressed.
That was fun.
You wanna do another story battle? I kicked your ass.
No.
I just brought that up because I thought we could maybe shock this pool.
Good ide you should have just said that.
Now we're talking.
One of these has got to do the trick.
There's, like, All right.
You think this is funny? I just send you down to change the lanes, and you poison the whole team? Look at Freddy.
I didn't do this.
I swear.
And you know what, I'm not ready to lose to another [Bleep.]
Vanderkaay, so, Anders There's a chain of command in swimming, and you are off the chain.
- Thank you.
No, I mean that you're off the team.
- What? Coach? - Empty out your locker.
You're gone! Get your tits off this deck! - Softy.
The big softy.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, there.
What's the matter? Swim practice canceled? Uh, yeah.
That's cool.
At least you get to sleep in, right? Actually, they, um They kicked me off the team and took my scholarship, so I'm kinda screwed since my dad's making me pay my way through school.
Whatever.
Ex-jock coming through.
Heads up.
Hey, we just wanted to check on you because you were crying pretty hard in the shower.
Frosh dogs, get in here and help me Polish off this case, seeing as that I'm not even your R.
A.
Anymore.
- All right.
- Yeah, come on in.
These were actually our beers from before, so - oh, these are yours? - Yeah, these are ours.
Sorry.
So you guys wanna make a toast or something? To Uh Let's get drunk! - Yeah! - Now we're talkin'.
All right! One, two, three, chug race.
Chug race! You chug it, boy.
Chug it! This is a wrestling figure-four, baby! Oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
You work at a smile and you go for a ride You had a bad day, the camera don't lie You're coming back down and you really don't mind.
You had a bad day You had a bad day yeah, I just you know, I gotta go.
I gotta get going, so Um Thanks And good-bye forever.
Yeah, bye forever.
Bye forever.
Yep.
Pbbbbbbb So that guy's gonna kill himself, right? - Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
- All right.
We're throwing you a party.
What? Yeah, we're throwing you a massive party that everybody's gonna come to.
And we're gonna make enough money to keep you in school for now.
- Like van Wilder? - Yeah, like a lot of movies.
- I'm Teck.
- All we need is beer And drugs And titties.
You gots ta have some titties, baby.
Well, I got one of those covered.
Yeah, what is up with your moobs? What? Oh, no, I'm talking about booze.
Confiscated.
Seriously, though, about those titties can I feel them? You know, a lot of people try and suck their own.
I could titty [Bleep.]
myself.
Chick do what? Party police.
There's still another party.
Whoa, check it out, man, it's gonna be cool.
- Party police! - Gonna party tonight.
Party police! Everybody stop give me that smirnoff ice! If you guys want to party, there will be a school-sanctioned rager.
$5.
You can get all your booze back.
We're party policemen! Give us your booze! So what now? I mean, why are we here? Oh, we're looking for a drug dealer.
You know, my theater department colleagues, they swear by this guy.
- Cool.
- All right.
- Let's do it.
We'll probably have to get really high just to get through the day.
Hey! Hey, what are you doing? Sorry.
I'm sorry.
That's people's work.
You can't graffiti here.
- Hey, [Bleep.]
You! - Oh, we got a clever one.
Hey, what's your name? Look out, I'll get him.
Looks about right.
You mean genius.
- Hey, wait.
- Wait! We just want to buy some weed.
Weed? Oh, hell, yeah, bitch.
I'll attack you with my butterfly kisses.
You guys, we've already got a couple thousand bucks.
This party's going great! Whoa, nice.
- I need a drink.
- Awesome.
I love you so much.
Get me a beer, woman! I'm like my dad.
He talks that way to my mom.
- Your dad talks like that? - Yeah.
Oh! Guys, I'm not gonna lie, I am so nervous.
I invited Fritz here and, you know, he's already seen that I can do comedy, so I prepared a dramatic piece for him.
So I'm gonna do this stirring monologue from Tim curry in the quintessential film Congo.
- It's an American classic.
- Mmhmm.
You have no reason to be nervous.
I'm the one who's about to propose to my girlfriend.
- What? - A lifelong commitment.
You're joking, right? I don't joke about love, Anders.
On-ders.
I used to cut myself to dashboard confessional.
I love love, okay? Um, here's a joke.
What did three girls say to the one dude? So you, like, really love her.
That's cool.
Ehh, well, she's really the only chick that lets me make out with her until my tongue hurts.
She's kind of my last shot at lifelong happiness.
Wish me luck.
All right.
Don't blow it.
Don't blow it like I'm about to.
Hey, buddy, I couldn't help but overhear you're being a little nervous Nelly Furtado.
Yeah, I guess.
- You need a friend? - Oh, nah.
Bleh! No.
Don't do it.
Blake, try it once, man.
Look at me, man.
I got it all figured out, buddy.
Did it cause your eye to do that, or - no, I was born with that.
- Oh, okay.
Then, yeah, I'll give it a shot.
Doesn't help, I'll tell you that much.
- Where are my beers? - Oh! I was just looking for some cranberry juice.
Well Look no further.
Will you marry me? Adam, are you are you kidding? I'm 16.
Debatably the sexiest age.
We doing this or are you gonna pussy out on me? Chicken.
Adam, no, I I don't understand what - or, I don't know, you can knock off all that God stuff, right? And just, pbbbbb Fug me hard.
- Well - Hit that caboose.
No, Adam, my faith means everything to me.
Forever? I am not having sex until I'm married.
Yeah, duh.
You thick? You dumb-dumb.
Obviously, that's why I'm proposing to you.
You know what, Adam, I think we should take some time off.
And I'll pray for you.
You'll be in my prayers.
You still want me to call you out of class on Tuesday? I'll take you to sonic.
Wow, okay, you give your heart to someone, right? And they just rip it out and in the heart cavity area.
College sucks.
It's stupid.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm having a really great time.
Really? Of course, I'm from a boring small town with one stoplight, so this is this is fun for me.
How religious are you? I wish this was real.
He would have murdered her.
Hey, it's Blake, right? Oh, [Bleep.]
Look at this.
I saw you on campus earlier, and I've gotta say, pretty convincing French police officer.
- Thank you.
- How would you like to be the understudy of Javert in this year's production of Les Mis? Understudy.
How 'bout, uh, you study under my nut sack? Oh! - Right under there.
- There it is.
- There it is.
- Sorry, is that a no? Fritz, life is a stage.
Smoke weed until you die.
That's right.
That's right.
Now, why don't you go direct yourself over to the snack shack and get daddy some airheads? Bounce, man.
Okay, I will bounce, thank you.
- Bye.
- That was good, man.
Acting's for chicks, anyways.
Yo, dudes, check it out.
One semester in cash.
We did it.
Oh, man, that is so awesome because I was feeling very guilty about that.
Why are you feeling guilty, man? - Well - Poon! Poon! Whoo! I'm on the sex train! Oh, he's pounding the beef out of her.
This is my life! This is my life right now! - Don't stop.
- Whoo! - Welcome to college.
- Pooooon! - Oh! - Aah! Oh, doin' her doggy good night! My bad.
Yo, guys, check me out.
Dude Yeah! - You see that? - That's my guy.
This is everything I've ever wanted.
That's it, I gotta do it.
I'm next.
I'm jumping off that thing next.
Do it.
No, you're not.
This party's over.
This pool is ours, and you guys all gotta get out of here.
No, we're not going anywhere, okay.
This party's gonna go all night, right? Yeah, all right, I could let the party ride out.
Cool.
Thanks.
- If you pay me.
- Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's his money.
We we earned that.
Lance, I'm not your bitch any more, all right? Give it back.
Take it from me.
I got a better idea.
Why don't we settle this like men And swim for it? Whoa! Whooooah It that, like, a swimmer thing? No, I didn't expect him to do that also.
Damn it.
Skinny boy's in the place That's it, Holmvik, you're about to get lapped.
Suck my wake.
God, swimming trash talk is horrible.
Okay, now we're gonna, uh, do the swim race.
In three, two Go, start swimming now! - Yeah.
- Yeah! - Swimming! - Yeah.
- Go, Anders.
- Go, Anders! Go, Anders! Come on, Anders! I thought that was gonna be it.
This is a lot of swimming.
Yeah, I mean - how much longer do we have to watch this? This is boring.
Wanna smoke some weed? Yes, I will do anything besides watch these two naked dudes swim.
All right, everybody stay right where you are.
- Oh No no running.
- Stop! No running.
Hey, tell everybody that we threw this party.
All right, let's go, Anders, you got this.
You versus you.
Oh, all right.
Hey.
Ow.
- Okay.
Jesus.
- Did I win? Kicked off campus.
Wow, I did not see that coming.
Whatever, man.
Who wants to live in the dorms anyways? It sucks.
Now we can party like last night every night.
I'm gonna drink and have sex so much I'm probably gonna puke out my dick! - Yeah.
- Yeah! Yeah, okay, well, living off-campus is expensive.
We might as well check out one of these jobs.
Hello.
Hello.
Oh, hi, guys.
I hope you'll consider applying to Telamericorp.
You know, telemarketing can be a very lucrative part-time job for a student.
- Ha ha, no, thanks.
- Yeah.
I don't think we need to be on the phones, cold-calling strangers and selling steak knives or I don't know what you do.
- Yeah.
We have our whole lives ahead of us, which are more than likely gonna be sick! Yeah.
Do you guys drug test? - Yeah.
- Of course.
Oh! Oh, hey! That was see, I told you that would happen if you wore that.
Is it cool if I just hang out with you guys here? Nice!