Xena: Warrior Princess s03e10 Episode Script

Come on! Xena rocks! Aphrodite blows! Delinquent losers! I've got half a mind to hit you with -- A love bolt? Hardly seems a threat.
My, my, they certainly made a mess here.
"Back off, Ar, I'm bummed out enough.
" You know what your problem is? Duh.
Your little Xena.
"Gabrielle, her friend.
See, I only made the warrior.
She made the legend.
Have you read any of her so-called stories? Huh.
"A warrior who loves the common person.
" You'd think she was a goddess.
Pretty soon, when people think of "love," they're gonna think Xena, not Aphrodite.
Xena? Don't blame her.
It's Gabrielle and her busy quill.
That's your problem.
I love starting a new scroll.
The feel of it in your hands, the look.
So clean.
So perfectly empty.
Listen.
The way it crinkles the first time you open it.
And that smell.
It's just a special, untouched scent.
Try it.
It smells like musty old leather to me.
Well, to the non-creative person perhaps.
Let's see.
Your last adventure began with-- Don't you ever get tired of just writing down what I do? Why don't you create new characters, new images? You mean fiction? Well, I thought about trying that someday.
- Do you really think I could? - Give it a shot quietly.
- Good night.
- Xena-- And make someone else the hero for a change.
"Xena had gone fishing.
"The lone warrior, Gabrielle, "awoke with a jerk "as five barbarians rode out of the woods.
"Twirling her trusty staff, she delivered her kicks with such fury.
" This fiction stuff can be really fun.
Oh, yeah.
A lot of fun.
Xena! We've got company! Xena! Wake up! Wake up! Xena! - Okay, you asked for it! Round and up and down she goes.
Where she stops, nobody knows! Huh? - Ow.
And don't come back! Did you see that? Back flips! I don't do back flips.
You have armor on under there? Where's Xena? Who were those-- What are you-- Wait a minute.
"Xena had gone-- The lone warrior, Gabrielle-- "As five barbarians-- "She started twirling her trusty staff, delivering kicks of such fury.
Deflected the thrust of a sword with her mighty abs.
" I wrote this.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
Are you saying anything you write in there comes true? Excuse me while I laugh.
Yeow! Catch.
Ow.
Ow.
Something's wrong with this stick.
Ooh.
Eee.
Uh, uh, uh, uh! - Why'd I do that? - Because I wrote you did.
I can write anything, and-- and it comes true.
In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.
The power.
The passion.
The danger.
Her courage will change the world.
In my hands, this scroll could be a gift to mankind.
Xena will be very proud when she comes back from fishing.
Fishing? I wrote her fishing.
What did you write to bring me here? Like, uh, you know, Gabrielle appeared with a guy with the heart of a lion, soul of a warrior, that kind of thing.
Let's see.
Uh-- "Xena has gone fi-" Fishing.
"Fishing.
Gabrielle awoke with a jerk.
Gabrielle awoke with a jerk.
" That's a funny phrase.
I can't find anything.
Must've come here on my own.
What do we do now? What do we do? What won't we do? Stories can be anything we want them to be.
Happy endings can truly happen, Joxer.
Excuse me.
Aren't you the Sisters of Gaea? Yes "Is there-something that we can do to, um, help you? We're collecting goods for our orphans, things we can sell in our shop in town.
If you have anything -- Now, that would fetch a pretty dinar.
I'm sure it would, but I wouldn't give this up just for anybody.
Still, for the, uh, Sisters of Gaea-- "She means your scabbard.
Oh.
Right.
Uh, no, no.
I couldn't.
My father gave me this.
It was the only thing he gave me.
Had to get the sword myself.
-I wouldn't part with this for anything.
- Oh, too bad.
Ceremonial weapons and the like are a hot commodity in Kargas.
Oh.
Well, you know, Sister.
I think you're going to get a surprise gift.
Right about now.
Here.
Oh! This will provide for our orphans for years.
Yes.
It's a miracle.
Ha.
You're welcome.
Give me back my kinsman's sword.
I just gave it away.
Why did I do that? Well, it doesn't really matter now, does it? Did the little blonde girlie scare the big hairy men? We are barbarians.
We fear nothing.
Yeah! We fight with the heart of a lion.
And you run with the feet of a chicken.
Now, get back on your horsies, and go back after her.
Yes, ma'am.
Barbarians.
We don't need your money, Joxer.
I've got it covered.
How much will that be? Tha-- That will be free.
All the food is free! And the drinks are on the house! You see there? All the food is free, and the drinks are on the-- Free mead! A gift from the gods! I think I have to be a bit more careful with the wording.
Good ale.
Ahhh.
No way, Ares.
Not until I know for sure that Xena has left the valley.
I'm giving you my word.
I've taken care of it.
She's gone.
My men might believe that I can barely hold them back They want to loot that valley now.
Xena or no Xena.
But I'm not that stupid.
And how stupid are you? Stupid enough to call the God of War a liar? May- may- maybe-- but I'm definitely not stupid enough to go up against Xena.
" Keep your men here.
I'll give you a signal.
You'll know Xena's gone then .
But wh-what's the signal? You'll know when you see it.
Fill her up! Well, time's a-wastin'.
We've got a lot of good to do today, Joxer.
- Lot of good! -I love you, man.
" Ah, you're drunk.
Who you callin' drunk? -Come on, Vilius.
You've had enough.
- Who are you to tell me I've had enough? You know, there's always one drunk who spoils it for everyone.
One drunk? Hey, that's my mead! -Couldn't get any worse.
- Well, this wasn't supposed to happen.
-Where are they?! -It got worse You-- You think you can make fools of us? Yeah.
We are barbarians.
We will-- go west Yes.
We will go west.
Yeah-ah-ah.
The barbarians are headed for the Sisters of Gaea orphanage! Minor setback.
"They turned east.
" No! We go east! Now they're heading for Akanacia! Um.
"The barbarians disappeared from the land.
" This way to the boats! We'll become pirates, and kill all who sail the seas.
Um.
"The barbarians went to the caves and fell into a deep sleep.
" Wait! To the caves.
I'm exhausted.
So this is all the good you wanted to do, huh? Forget it.
I am not writing another word.
Yes! No.
I don't get it.
I mean, my writing has always been really vivid.
I just am missing something.
Well, maybe it's too vivid.
Maybe it needs a little work -- editing or something, you know? I've got it! I'm not editing my work.
Joxer, that's it, that's all I have to do.
I just have to be more careful.
Do you realize that now that I know the power of the scroll, I can end hunger, I can end disease.
I can end-- I can end war.
"The will of mortals won out--" Edit.
"and war lost all its power.
" My powers! What's happened to my powers? You! What've you done to me? Um, it's-it's not my fault.
I-- I-I can fix this.
Um-- Um.
The-The force that enchanted the scroll lost its powers.
Whoa! Wipeout.
Are you out of your mind? You gave this blonde harpy - powers of destiny? - No.
I enchanted a scroll.
And don't act so surprised.
You wanted me to do it.
No, no.
See, what I wanted was for you to go after her so we could get Xena out of the way.
"Exsqueeze" me.
It worked, kinda.
Wait a minute.
You wanted Xena out of the way so you enchanted my scroll? Ares was being his usual manipulative self.
He's got some army somewhere ready to pounce on the valley.
He wanted Xena out of the way, so he wanted to get me mad at you.
You figured that all out by yourself, did you? Hey, don't believe everything you hear about blondes.
Look, sweet pea, just give me back my powers.
-Then I'll un-zap the scroll.
- No, no.
Write mine back in first.
That army's waiting for me to give them a signal that Xena's gone.
Not helping your cause any, slick.
Oh.
I promise, if you give me my powers back, I'll call off the attack.
-Pigs can fly? -You can.
Wait.
If you undo the scroll, Xena's gonna come back, -and then the army won't attack.
- That makes sense.
Uh-- Aphrodite is as she was before.
She is as she was before.
It's all in the wording.
Okay, what if we fill up the scroll completely? Will that end the curse? Oh.
So now it's a curse.
Before, it was a gift.
And, no, once you run out of room, that's it.
Everything just stays the way it was when you wrote it.
Look, just write, "Everything is as it was before.
" Then we'll all go back to our baby cribs, and you'll go back under your rock.
Did you write him here? Not exactly, I-- Ah, "Gabrielle awoke with a jerk.
" I don't get it.
What's so funny about waking up? -Nonk -Thallonius, is that the signal to attack? No.
Not the signal.
I have to deconstruct the story, starting from the beginning, which means I have to bring Xena back first.
Oh.
"Xena rides in at the head of an army.
" -That's good.
- We could end up with an army of ants, or-- children--or, or-- Harpies, or-- Whoa, whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa.
Why don't we describe her? "Suddenly, there was the arrival of the woman--" Leather.
Mention the leather.
"Wearing leather" "and--" um-- "black hair, carrying her chakram.
" Wait.
Does anybody really know what a chakram is? And does the scroll know it? "Carrying the whip of Xena.
" I'm here.
I don't know why? But I know I'm here to do something.
- Minya? - Who's this? Uh, this is Minya.
She's our friend.
She wants to be Xena, and she has Xena's whip.
It never leaves my side.
So, who's the stud, the dork and that bottled-blonde? This is Ares, Aphrodite and Joxer.
What? Ares-- God of War! - And Aphrodite, you're the Goddess of Love! And Joxer -- Sorry, bub, never heard of ya.
Is that-- No, Munk.
That's lunch.
Pluck it.
You know one thing I like about being mortal.
-What a trip.
- You know, my boyfriend, Hower, he thinks that the Goddess of Love is just sooo beautiful and perfect.
Wait till he hears you're just as plain dirt on a wagon wheel just like me! I'm supposed to be the great bard with the wonderful stories.
I can't even write a happy ending without screwing it up.
Yes, you can.
I think your stories are-- are beautiful and, uh, you know, not everything you write turns into disaster.
What about the Sisters of Gaea? You know that sword that man gave us? -We sold it for a king's ransom to Philiadus.
-See? You did some good -- the orphans of Gaea.
You! That is my kinsman's sword! And you are a dead man.
Wait! - What's your name? - I am Scaberus.
Why? The caves! I must go to the caves.
Those caves are gonna start gettin' pretty full.
My throat is dry as dust.
Where's my drink? Coming, sir No.
That's not the sign.
You know, I've been trying to bring Xena here.
Why don't we just go find her? I mean, there aren't that many fishing places around here.
We've got to find a trout stream or a fishing hole or wherever I sent her.
Why won't it stay up? Basic hair care was not such a drag as a goddess.
I think it looks good on ya.
Flattery works.
Keep going.
Um, you know what? I-I have this question for you.
Um, I lo-- There's-There's this guy, and he really loves this girl,but this girl -doesn't even know-- -Hello? The love goddess is off the clock.
I got my own problems.
Poetry.
And if that doesn't work-- presents.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
Lots and lots of presents.
Huh! Okay? - Yeah.
- Standard answer.
Now, give me my space.
Yeah.
Poetry.
Poetry.
Hmm, right here.
Let's see, um-- Oh, by the gods! Look! What? - You wrote on the scroll? - Oh, I-I-- Well, I was just trying to write a limerick to cheer you up a little.
"A warrior, Joxer the Mighty, "Asked a boon from the god, Aphrodite.
And what a surprise he saw with love's eyes, three times--" Had a little trouble there.
Anyone know a word that ends in "ighty"? Ooh! What does "love's eyes" have to do with me? W-Well-Well-- W-Well the-the-- I get it.
I get it.
Of course, "love's eyes," Aphrodite's eyes.
She was looking at me when you wrote the poem, right? That's it, exactly.
Now, let's send those three to the caves! Ooh.
The-- The, uh -- Uh, we can do it in a minute, or now is good.
To the caves! The cave.
Aphrodite! Aphrodite said get her a present.
How am I gonna get you a present with no-- This is a family heirloompassed from father to son - Will ya trade for it? - Yeah, I'll trade.
But you'll have to be quick.
It's late.
I'm tired and-- I'm always open for business.
What is-- You like it? Uh, it's-- it's beautiful.
-But Wh-Why? - 'Cause I wanted to get you something.
You know, just to, uh, say sorry for the three naked yous and everything.
I had to trade my father's scabbard for it.
-What? - I had to trade my father's scabbard for it.
Joxer, you said that you would never, ever part with that scabbard.
Well, you know, Gabrielle, some things in life are worth more than what they seem.
-The scroll, Joxer.
-Yeah? -I hid the scroll in the scabbard.
- You did? - Where is it, now! Ow! I traded a peddler for it! We can get it back! What's the odds he's gonna figure it out?! You'd better hurry.
It's raining dinars in town! Oh, that's funny.
Ha.
I've got it.
Mm-hmm, I've got it.
I know exactly what to write, but, first, we have to get the scroll.
And just what will you write? Well, Ares, that's my business.
Now, Aphrodite, Minya.
I want you to go to town.
I want you to find out where the peddler went.
Ares and I are going to go where it's raining dinars and look for him there.
What about me? Well, Joxer-- Oh.
You get to go to the caves -- Say, Gab-- And you get to wait.
Come on! Do wh-- Ooh, the caves.
Hi there, big boy.
Call me when you've had a bath, toots Okay.
The tavern keeper said the peddler headed out of town.
What wrong? Oh.
"I'm gonna end up like you!" These ruts are deep as if he's carrying a load of dinars.
Where'd you learn to read trails like that? Xena, of course.
You know, you hang around her long enough, you're bound to pick up something.
-You just have to focus.
- Oh, yeah.
I taught her that.
When she came to me, she was just another lost warlord, hungry to kill.
-I gave her a purpose.
- Well, she has a different purpose now.
I know.
She's so darned good at it.
You know, what she did when I had her on trial for her life, -it-- it was amazing.
-How about what she pulled off with the Furies? Oh, it was brilliant.
Yeah.
And she does it all with that -- that steely gaze, you know? Oh, yeah.
I've seen that one a few times.
-Uh, looks like he's headind for the caves.
-Yeah.
We were starting to warm up to each other there, weren't we? Yeah.
We were.
-I didn't like it.
-Right back at ya.
Okay.
-Joxer - I'm tryin' to disarm 'em.
- I don't know how, but you're going to screw it up.
-Now, just back away! -I'm not gonna screw it up as long as they don't wake up before I find the ped-- That's the guy! Who's got it?! Oh, the scroll! Can't -- Can't find it.
Can't find it.
Gab! - Kill them! - Get him.
Kill them! Get him! Kill them! Come on! Let's go! Not the scroll! Oh, my kinsman's sword! Nice lookin', huh? Yeah! Oof! Time to end this once and for all! You there! Stay back! Gabrielle.
Over here.
- That's the way out of the caves! Move! -Come on! They're getting away! - Me? I'm mortal.
I might be killed Gods.
Aieee-ya! You hair-ball get back here! What did you write in that scroll? Instead of bringing Xena to the scroll, I sent the scroll to Xena.
I just hope I phrased it right.
Ha-ha.
If that's not a sign from Ares, I don't know what is.
Attack!" Ares, we have got to catch up with your warrior friends, so we can call off this attack.
Well, I can't stop them as a mortal, but when I get my powers back, I promise, I'm gonna punish Thelonius and his army in some painful and horrible way.
You know, innocent people are going to die.
Oh, yes.
Innocent people.
Look, with or without you, we're going to fight Thelonius! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
Who exactly is "we"? Wait.
- You guys smell somethin'? - Lay off of me, turkey! No.
- Oh, it's fish! I'm new to this mortal hygiene thing! Xena? Uh, you looking for this? Huh? I, uh -- I took it off a peddler, who was being chased by barbarians, who was being chased by three naked Gabrielles and Minya.
She's still chasing them by the way.
Oh, yeah.
I read the scroll.
"Kind of messed it up, didn't I? Pretty much.
Did you write that limerick? -"I did.
-"Figures I tried to get you back.
I tried, "Xena goes to her number one friend--" You sent me to visit a girl I hadn't seen since I was five-- my firstfriend.
What about "Xena rejoins the woman who brought her to a new life"? Mom says thanks for the fish.
I did start back once,but then I was overtaken by this irresistible urge to return to fishing.
I figured that's where you wrote, "Xena returns from her journey.
" And then I knew that something was up.
I had visited just about everyone who ever meant anything to me.
well, except you.
- That's when I headed back.
Look.
I hate to be the one to break up, like, a major love-fest, but look at me! I'm not built to be mortal! We have to-- put things back the way they were!" Yeah.
And stop Thelonius from destroying the valley.
- Whatever.
- Aphrodite, what was the charm that you used for the scroll? Exact word "Lies will make the world go 'round till true words are written down.
" So, if you make something up, the scroll has the power to make it happen.
And when truer words are written, the power ends.
Well, that's it! All we have to do is write the truth.
" Okay.
But how will we get rid of this warlord Thelonius? I'll take care of him, but you have to write down everything that I do-- no embellishing, no poetic license, just exactly what you see, all right? But how are we gonna know if it worked? When you get your powers back, we'll know.
What's wrong? I, uh -- I'm not really good at writing action.
What? You follow Xena around-- You -- You follow Xena around all day.
Uh-- You write stories about her.
How do you do this without writing action? You see, I use metaphors.
I write, "Xena burst on the scene in a blaze of glory.
" You do that and we'll be pickin' her up in a million pieces.
Move it! Kill, kill, kill, kill! Follow me! -Attack! Attack! Attack! Get up! Get up! Get up! Xena leads with a pike,then a trout.
Bam, bam-- two quick bass.
" Oh, he's taken it on the chin! That octopus came out of nowhere.
She must have thrown that just for the halibut "Write, 'Xena hit the warrior with a squid It was an octopus.
I think I know a squid when I see one.
-"Xena whacked the warrior with her sword.
" - "Whacked"? - Is that a word? - "Hit.
" Say "hit.
" I don't think it's very literary.
Okay.
"Hit.
" - "Xena fought with the warrior leader.
" "Fought with the--" Hey, what do you mean "awoke with a jerk"? - Just keep to the script.
- I'm ready for action.
Where's Xena? Minya, where are the barbarians? They stopped fighting and ran back to Barbaria.
My hormones are peaking.
I'm ready for action.
I'm gonna crack some heads! Yeah.
I'm back! Later.
Ugh.
Oh -- Sorry.
Ugh.
Ughhh! Wa-- Run, maggot! Ooh, I still got it.
What's that? Huh? "What's that?" You know, I expected more from the God of War.
I mean, without his powers, he's just another man.
Just another big old, leather-clad, well-muscled, gorgeous, hunk-a bad boy man.
How are those hormones, Minya? Raging.
I, uh -- I might go see Hower.
Weird.
Mmm.
I guess everything's fine now.
I guess so.
Hey, look.
You still got some extra space at the bottom of the scroll.
Guess that means there's something else to write.
Try, "The End.
" Okay.
I just -- I personally think that sounds a bit--