You Me Her (2016) s03e10 Episode Script
You Be You And I'll Be Me
1 Previously on You Me Her I didn't just come here to fight for you, Em.
Carlin's announcing his retirement and his successor.
Only way you don't get it is if you're not there.
Our young girls are off to first day of daycare.
And it's all good.
It's no big deal.
I said I'm either taking a month off or I'm quitting.
- And? - Looks like I'll be spending a month's sabbatical diligently not writing a children's book.
The hell is he doing here? You told me to take a beat but not him? She told you she needs "a beat"? Told me she needs "a minute.
" Okay, look, here's the deal: we're gonna meet back here tomorrow, and I'll reveal my choice.
I spoke to Meredith at Directions.
They're interested in offering you a counselling job.
And they'll invite you to Seattle to live in their house with their baby and keep living their life.
Were you guys gonna leave a note? We're leaving for Seattle tomorrow at oh-dark thirty.
I can't just leave my life.
My best friend is here, and my dad is looking for a job here.
This is my home.
Well, if you're not going, we're not going.
No, Em, I want you guys to go to Seattle.
Think about it, talk about it, give it a real chance.
And I'm gonna be here when you get back.
Pick us apart What are you made of now? You knew at the start That everything [EMMA.]
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
[JACK.]
Come on, just breathe, Em.
[SIGHS.]
What the fuck are we thinking?! We just drove away from Izzy after she said there was no way in hell she'd move to Seattle? Then she said she would give us the chance to talk her into it.
Yeah, well, did it look like she meant that to you? I don't know.
Maybe? Not really? [SIGHS.]
What if she wants us to move to Seattle? - This is her way of breaking up with us? - You remember what she said.
"Jack and Emma's baby in Jack and Emma's house.
" Fuck.
You know, we made it crystal fucking clear we weren't gonna live in that loft.
- Oh, no.
- What? She was with her dad yesterday.
What if he convinced her to end it? We just got dumped.
- Or - Or what? Or maybe she's the one being the adult here.
Maybe she knows you'll resent her and me, too, if you pass up the opportunity of a lifetime without even taking the meeting.
What if Carlin makes me an offer I can't refuse? You know, what if we move to Seattle and we're miserable and we fucked it up? What if this was a test, and we just failed it? Well, even if it's a test, she's right.
We gotta go.
We have to consider it.
[CLICKS TEETH.]
[SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Can we get back in the car, please? Here you go.
Thanks.
How you doin', Peanut? Me? No, the other Peanut.
I'm good.
Mm-hmm.
That weird outburst out front I do that.
You know, just, like full moon or whatever.
What are you doing? I'm cleaning.
Not really.
You're just picking things up and putting them somewhere else.
Just mind your own business and drink your espresso.
Actually, you are over 50.
Why don't you find yourself a nice morning news show? All the commercials are for arthritis, dementia, hair loss.
All important issues for your kind, right? - Isabelle.
- Mm? Izzy.
- Iz.
- Mm-hmm, yeah? Just just come over here and sit down for a minute.
[SIGHS.]
You did the right thing.
- It doesn't feel like it.
- I know.
- I'll spare you the Band-Aid analogy.
- Thank you.
I was hoping they wouldn't go, no matter what I said.
[CUP CLINKS.]
Well, she's gotta take that job.
It just makes sense for them.
Can we just be done ripping off Band-Aids for a while? Thanks.
Actually, I gotta get back to the site.
I hate to leave you all alone.
No, it's fine.
I'm gonna crash at Nina's for a while, so Oh.
Well, good.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you pack up your stuff, give me some keys, and I'll haul it over later? - Really? - Yeah.
Thanks.
Um - Take these.
- Okay.
[KEYS JANGLE.]
I don't want you to go.
Well, I can stay, like, five more minutes.
That's not what I meant.
I I have some leads.
Cool.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Big day.
Gonna get Carlin's office, sofa sleeper and all.
His couch is a sleeper? And there's a closet at the back of the full bathroom.
I heard that he's retiring because his third wife threatened to divorce him.
Anyway, uh, Earth Juice wants some kind of retractable cover over the proposed green space, because Seattle, and a full budget by Thursday.
- Email dropped 10 minutes ago.
- Thursday? Are you serious? Lucy, could you give us the room, please? - Ooh, "give us the room.
" - You're fired.
I mean it this time.
- [LUCY.]
Oh, no.
- [INHALES DEEPLY.]
How badly do you hate me? It was a 10.
Now it's roughly 8.
2.
Still high enough to scheme your unseemly demise after you accept Carlin's ridiculous offer.
[SIGHS DEEPLY.]
He's ready.
You know your answer? Uh, no.
- [SIGHS.]
- [CHUCKLES, SNIFFLES.]
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Before I go, I need to know If this is real or just deceiving me Ow.
There's a thing about kicking people while they're down.
Yeah, I always forget if it's do it or don't do it.
[SIGHS.]
So? I told them I was staying in Portland.
I insisted they go, and they did.
And you were hoping that they wouldn't, obviously? Iz? I have to start living my own life.
Before I go, I need to know If somehow I can dream a destiny - Man, love sucks for you ordinary girls.
- [SCOFFS.]
Me, I've got two dudes willing to duel to the death.
Fine.
They wouldn't even do a dance-off.
Tough life.
Okay, look.
Here's how good of a friend I am.
After I make my choice, I'm gonna toss you my sloppy seconds, okay? - Mm-hmm.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Don't.
- Mnh.
[BOTH GRUNT.]
Ow.
Maybe there's a third horse in the Nina Martone sweepstakes.
Nina Martone.
Why do you keep trying to figure out which dude is gonna finally complete you? Does it make it worse that I'm, um I'm actually semi-aware of that? Only if you never do anything about it.
Aw.
We've synched our periods and our life epiphanies.
[CHUCKLES.]
Anyway, the point of that rambling monologue is that I think it's only fair that you know who I am.
I'm Emma Seaver Trakarsky, pregnant bisexual polyamorist.
And if Jack and Izzy don't want this, then I don't want it either.
So I'm gonna need a little time.
And if that disqualifies me, then so be it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, I guess you should probably talk now.
Right? [CLEARS THROAT.]
[CHILDREN SHOUTING PLAYFULLY.]
Hey.
Hey, back.
How was it? I told Dennis everything, and he said as long as I keep drawing big, pretty buildings, I can be as bisexual, polyamorous, and pregnant as I wanna be.
Such an asshole.
[SCOFFS.]
[DOG BARKING IN THE DISTANCE.]
I have no idea when she put that in my pocket.
"Here or there, I'll love you.
Izzy.
" [CHILDREN LAUGHING.]
So what are you thinking? I love building things.
You know, I have ever since I was a weird little kid with the world's largest Lego collection.
- Yeah.
- But Along the way, I found a few things I love more: you, Izzy, this baby, our friends.
You need time for those things.
You don't get that when you're managing partner at a firm like Pinnacle.
You get a sleeper sofa and a full-sized bathroom in your office.
[CHUCKLES.]
So what now? Like I told Izzy, we'll figure it out.
Go back to Portland, we climb whatever trellis we need to climb, and we go get our girl.
- Abso-fucking-lutely.
- All right.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BACKGROUND CHATTER.]
Here.
Hi.
No.
I have somewhere to be.
Where? You're homeless and unemployed.
Sit.
So as it turns out, you didn't go see your grandma, which means it didn't really go poorly.
- Hi.
- You smell like dogs.
- [LAUGHS.]
- I can't.
I'm sorry.
It's a start.
It's a start? "You smell like dogs"? Seriously? Seriously.
It's never easy.
That girl sets her mind, it's like trying to pry off a wheel boot.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm not gonna give up.
I'm in.
By the way, you do not smell like dogs, just so you know.
- Thank you.
- You smell very nice.
I've seen all sides of both the worlds Been alone while in love Been everywhere in between Now I'm heading down my own road Can't be paved for me I'll go as far as I can see Trying hard to please Everyone but me Such a foolish way to be [SNIFFLES.]
Sorry, Em.
Yeah, I'm just gonna come straight out with it.
You're both amazing guys in wildly different ways.
Like, night and day, black and white.
I'm more of a mocha latte, don't you think? Mm.
Yeah.
I like to think that I'm more like Peach Schnapps, - but in the shape of a person.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah? - That was good, yeah.
- Oh.
Thanks.
- You're welcome.
You know, if this thing doesn't work out, you wanna hang out? - I think we are.
- Oh.
Hey, hi, hi.
You two want some alone time or what? [BOTH.]
Nope, we're all good.
- Oh.
- [LAUGHS.]
Actually, you two doing the sex isn't entirely off-topic.
I, uh, I I can't seem to settle on just one, so I'm choosing both.
I wanna be a throuple, just like EJI, except with two penises.
What the hell is "edgy"? That's Emma, Jack, and Izzy.
I think you missed the headline.
Oh.
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
No.
No, that's not happening.
- I'm fucking with you.
- Oh.
I I'm not really choosing both of you.
Or either.
[SIGHS.]
Look I'm choosing me.
I have spent most of my life trying to be whatever it is I thought men wanted me to be.
And, um, now it's time for me to figure out how to be authentically, genuinely Nina.
And that way, when someone digs me, I'll know it's for real.
And when someone doesn't, I won't give a shit.
Hmm.
So This shit is messed up.
Getting right with myself before I get serious with somebody else is messed up? Honestly, I was, 99% certain she was gonna pick you, so this is a pretty solid win for me.
Nin, come on.
What are you doing? No, I'm not ready, and neither are you.
All right.
I'm out.
[FRONT DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Good on you, Nin.
[CLICKS TEETH.]
That couldn't have been easy.
You you're kinda fucking up my program here, Shaun.
Oh.
I do that.
Do you want me to leave? [FRONT DOOR OPENS.]
[NINA.]
Oh, shit.
- I got a job.
- What? I'm consoling you because you got a job? [SIGHS.]
I checked Jack's underwear drawer.
Mm.
No ring? I'm pretty sure they're moving to Seattle.
Iz? Izzy? - [CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
- She's not answering.
[VIBRATING CONTINUES.]
Wait.
Listen.
[VIBRATING CONTINUES, CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
- There it is.
- Shit.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- [SCOFFS.]
We should never have gone.
No, you shouldn't have come back.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [WHISPERS.]
Who's that? This is Ben, Izzy's dad.
Come right in.
I've come to get her stuff.
- Her stuff? - Yeah.
And that's her phone.
I'll take it to her.
[SCOFFS.]
I will give it to her when I tell her we're not moving to Seattle or Hawthorne Heights.
[SIGHS.]
You got everything you want.
You're back together, you're having a baby, you're moving to the suburbs.
Look, do right by her.
Move on.
- Move on? - Yeah.
What, like you did when she was a teenager? Oh, oh, we're gettin' shitty now? Is that how this is gonna be? Look, I'm aware of how acutely fucked up this must seem.
And seven months ago, I would've thought the same thing.
Yeah, we were just a suburban couple, struggling to have kids.
We weren't looking to get into any scene or lifestyle.
- No, it's not it's not who we were.
- No.
Is that right? Then who are you now? I'm the woman who drove away from the job of a lifetime because I am deeply in love with your daughter.
We tried to imagine a life without her, and we just couldn't.
No.
We belong together, and that's the truth of it.
She is never gonna feel permanent in your world with your kid.
Can't you see that? [SIGHS.]
Actually, that's exactly what we were discussing on the way home.
We need to make a real commitment to us and to her, and we have a plan.
We wanna make it official, the three of us.
How the hell are you gonna do that? - Okay, don't take this the wrong way - This should be good.
But I'm, like, really struggling with this sudden shift in our relationship dynamic.
- You getting a job before me? - Uh Come on.
I mean, God, I'm [CHUCKLES.]
I really miss feeling better than you.
Don't be sad.
You'll catch up eventually.
Okay, what's wrong? I just thought they'd call, at least.
Well, good riddance, Griswolds.
Right? Mm-hmm.
Good riddance.
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATING.]
- One of your suitors? Um, you're you're calling me.
What? - [TOUCHSCREEN CLICKS.]
- Hello? Yeah, she's here.
Uh-huh.
Really? [WHISPERS.]
What? Okay.
[TOUCHSCREEN CLICKS.]
What? You left your phone at the loft.
Okay, so they're back? We gotta go.
- What? - Just come with me.
- Wh - Just come.
[CHEERING.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
- So, hi.
- Hey, Izzy.
Hi? Um, this is our neighbor, Helen Wilberg, who, it turns out, doesn't bake at all but is an actual judge.
Come here.
Hi.
We didn't have time to rehearse, um, so we're just kind of winging it here.
- Uh, I'll start.
Okay.
- Yeah, go ahead.
- Okay.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
So there is no such thing as a three-person marriage.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Ben? Dad? Well, let's not make a thing out of this, yeah? I'll just - Um - Yeah, go.
Be free.
Uh Should we - Now? - Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
You didn't return it.
No.
Um, I saw you looking through my underwear drawer, so I moved it.
Okay, one more time.
- There is no such thing as a three-per - Stop.
Stop.
- But we we have a lot more - No, please.
This is very sweet and - weird.
- [CHUCKLES.]
But Jack, I want you to put that ring on your wife's finger, where it belongs.
And while you're living the best, happiest life in Seattle No, we're not going to Seattle.
And I already have a ring.
Same.
Oh.
This is our home, too.
For better or for worse, we're stuck with this bunch of losers.
- Dick! - Okay.
- Nice.
- Honey Okay, once again.
Uh there's no such thing as a three-person marriage, so we invented one.
Yeah, Emma and I will always be connected by this baby, but now we wanna be connected with you, too.
So, um Oh, wow.
Here.
Izzy Silva will you marry us? As in right here, right now.
Well, technically, you can only marry one of us, - but we know the truth.
- Yeah.
[LAUGHING.]
Um, I'm pretty sure that would be, like, the worst idea ever.
- What is she saying? - Yeah, no, just stand up.
How's it worked out so far when one of you thought I was favoring the other one? - I'd say it - Well, we're not - No, it was bad.
It was bad.
- Bad.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it shouldn't be about a piece of paper.
It should be about you and you and me going all in together.
I like the way this is going.
Wouldn't be my first Poly Commitment Ceremony.
- What? - Wait, what? It's a spiritual commitment, not a legal one.
Ordinarily, you each would've prepared - a heartfelt declaration - Right, we all love each other, we never expected this, blah blah blah.
Here's the fucking deal, okay? If any one of us tries to leave again, there's no coming back.
You walk, you just keep walking.
Okay? Okay.
So, do you, Jack and Emma, accept my proposal? I do.
I do.
Alrighty then.
Anybody object? Uh, nope.
[HELEN.]
Okay.
Maybe put the ring on her finger? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Okay.
Um Oh, right.
- Try to finish the job.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
I hereby pronounce you spiritually, soulfully, and lovingly committed to one another forever and ever.
[LAUGHING.]
Make out already! [LAUGHTER.]
Daylight comes and daylight goes Whoo! - [CHEERING.]
- The world is moving And it's not slowing down Keeps turning around The moment's here and then it's gone Life's not waiting, it's always moving on On and on I still remember how I felt when I'm sure this'll be as smooth as their unborn baby's ass.
Dear God, I hope not.
[LAUGHING.]
We're on our way We're almost home No time to wait, come on, let's go We're wide awake We're not alone So don't be afraid It's all gonna be okay Try to find love that'll take you away Save enough pennies for a rainy day Now you Got something to do If you really wanna go back, it's time to leave We're on our way We're almost home No time to wait, come on, let's go We're wide awake We're not alone So don't be afraid It's all gonna be okay
Carlin's announcing his retirement and his successor.
Only way you don't get it is if you're not there.
Our young girls are off to first day of daycare.
And it's all good.
It's no big deal.
I said I'm either taking a month off or I'm quitting.
- And? - Looks like I'll be spending a month's sabbatical diligently not writing a children's book.
The hell is he doing here? You told me to take a beat but not him? She told you she needs "a beat"? Told me she needs "a minute.
" Okay, look, here's the deal: we're gonna meet back here tomorrow, and I'll reveal my choice.
I spoke to Meredith at Directions.
They're interested in offering you a counselling job.
And they'll invite you to Seattle to live in their house with their baby and keep living their life.
Were you guys gonna leave a note? We're leaving for Seattle tomorrow at oh-dark thirty.
I can't just leave my life.
My best friend is here, and my dad is looking for a job here.
This is my home.
Well, if you're not going, we're not going.
No, Em, I want you guys to go to Seattle.
Think about it, talk about it, give it a real chance.
And I'm gonna be here when you get back.
Pick us apart What are you made of now? You knew at the start That everything [EMMA.]
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
[JACK.]
Come on, just breathe, Em.
[SIGHS.]
What the fuck are we thinking?! We just drove away from Izzy after she said there was no way in hell she'd move to Seattle? Then she said she would give us the chance to talk her into it.
Yeah, well, did it look like she meant that to you? I don't know.
Maybe? Not really? [SIGHS.]
What if she wants us to move to Seattle? - This is her way of breaking up with us? - You remember what she said.
"Jack and Emma's baby in Jack and Emma's house.
" Fuck.
You know, we made it crystal fucking clear we weren't gonna live in that loft.
- Oh, no.
- What? She was with her dad yesterday.
What if he convinced her to end it? We just got dumped.
- Or - Or what? Or maybe she's the one being the adult here.
Maybe she knows you'll resent her and me, too, if you pass up the opportunity of a lifetime without even taking the meeting.
What if Carlin makes me an offer I can't refuse? You know, what if we move to Seattle and we're miserable and we fucked it up? What if this was a test, and we just failed it? Well, even if it's a test, she's right.
We gotta go.
We have to consider it.
[CLICKS TEETH.]
[SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Can we get back in the car, please? Here you go.
Thanks.
How you doin', Peanut? Me? No, the other Peanut.
I'm good.
Mm-hmm.
That weird outburst out front I do that.
You know, just, like full moon or whatever.
What are you doing? I'm cleaning.
Not really.
You're just picking things up and putting them somewhere else.
Just mind your own business and drink your espresso.
Actually, you are over 50.
Why don't you find yourself a nice morning news show? All the commercials are for arthritis, dementia, hair loss.
All important issues for your kind, right? - Isabelle.
- Mm? Izzy.
- Iz.
- Mm-hmm, yeah? Just just come over here and sit down for a minute.
[SIGHS.]
You did the right thing.
- It doesn't feel like it.
- I know.
- I'll spare you the Band-Aid analogy.
- Thank you.
I was hoping they wouldn't go, no matter what I said.
[CUP CLINKS.]
Well, she's gotta take that job.
It just makes sense for them.
Can we just be done ripping off Band-Aids for a while? Thanks.
Actually, I gotta get back to the site.
I hate to leave you all alone.
No, it's fine.
I'm gonna crash at Nina's for a while, so Oh.
Well, good.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you pack up your stuff, give me some keys, and I'll haul it over later? - Really? - Yeah.
Thanks.
Um - Take these.
- Okay.
[KEYS JANGLE.]
I don't want you to go.
Well, I can stay, like, five more minutes.
That's not what I meant.
I I have some leads.
Cool.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Big day.
Gonna get Carlin's office, sofa sleeper and all.
His couch is a sleeper? And there's a closet at the back of the full bathroom.
I heard that he's retiring because his third wife threatened to divorce him.
Anyway, uh, Earth Juice wants some kind of retractable cover over the proposed green space, because Seattle, and a full budget by Thursday.
- Email dropped 10 minutes ago.
- Thursday? Are you serious? Lucy, could you give us the room, please? - Ooh, "give us the room.
" - You're fired.
I mean it this time.
- [LUCY.]
Oh, no.
- [INHALES DEEPLY.]
How badly do you hate me? It was a 10.
Now it's roughly 8.
2.
Still high enough to scheme your unseemly demise after you accept Carlin's ridiculous offer.
[SIGHS DEEPLY.]
He's ready.
You know your answer? Uh, no.
- [SIGHS.]
- [CHUCKLES, SNIFFLES.]
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Before I go, I need to know If this is real or just deceiving me Ow.
There's a thing about kicking people while they're down.
Yeah, I always forget if it's do it or don't do it.
[SIGHS.]
So? I told them I was staying in Portland.
I insisted they go, and they did.
And you were hoping that they wouldn't, obviously? Iz? I have to start living my own life.
Before I go, I need to know If somehow I can dream a destiny - Man, love sucks for you ordinary girls.
- [SCOFFS.]
Me, I've got two dudes willing to duel to the death.
Fine.
They wouldn't even do a dance-off.
Tough life.
Okay, look.
Here's how good of a friend I am.
After I make my choice, I'm gonna toss you my sloppy seconds, okay? - Mm-hmm.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Don't.
- Mnh.
[BOTH GRUNT.]
Ow.
Maybe there's a third horse in the Nina Martone sweepstakes.
Nina Martone.
Why do you keep trying to figure out which dude is gonna finally complete you? Does it make it worse that I'm, um I'm actually semi-aware of that? Only if you never do anything about it.
Aw.
We've synched our periods and our life epiphanies.
[CHUCKLES.]
Anyway, the point of that rambling monologue is that I think it's only fair that you know who I am.
I'm Emma Seaver Trakarsky, pregnant bisexual polyamorist.
And if Jack and Izzy don't want this, then I don't want it either.
So I'm gonna need a little time.
And if that disqualifies me, then so be it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, I guess you should probably talk now.
Right? [CLEARS THROAT.]
[CHILDREN SHOUTING PLAYFULLY.]
Hey.
Hey, back.
How was it? I told Dennis everything, and he said as long as I keep drawing big, pretty buildings, I can be as bisexual, polyamorous, and pregnant as I wanna be.
Such an asshole.
[SCOFFS.]
[DOG BARKING IN THE DISTANCE.]
I have no idea when she put that in my pocket.
"Here or there, I'll love you.
Izzy.
" [CHILDREN LAUGHING.]
So what are you thinking? I love building things.
You know, I have ever since I was a weird little kid with the world's largest Lego collection.
- Yeah.
- But Along the way, I found a few things I love more: you, Izzy, this baby, our friends.
You need time for those things.
You don't get that when you're managing partner at a firm like Pinnacle.
You get a sleeper sofa and a full-sized bathroom in your office.
[CHUCKLES.]
So what now? Like I told Izzy, we'll figure it out.
Go back to Portland, we climb whatever trellis we need to climb, and we go get our girl.
- Abso-fucking-lutely.
- All right.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BACKGROUND CHATTER.]
Here.
Hi.
No.
I have somewhere to be.
Where? You're homeless and unemployed.
Sit.
So as it turns out, you didn't go see your grandma, which means it didn't really go poorly.
- Hi.
- You smell like dogs.
- [LAUGHS.]
- I can't.
I'm sorry.
It's a start.
It's a start? "You smell like dogs"? Seriously? Seriously.
It's never easy.
That girl sets her mind, it's like trying to pry off a wheel boot.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm not gonna give up.
I'm in.
By the way, you do not smell like dogs, just so you know.
- Thank you.
- You smell very nice.
I've seen all sides of both the worlds Been alone while in love Been everywhere in between Now I'm heading down my own road Can't be paved for me I'll go as far as I can see Trying hard to please Everyone but me Such a foolish way to be [SNIFFLES.]
Sorry, Em.
Yeah, I'm just gonna come straight out with it.
You're both amazing guys in wildly different ways.
Like, night and day, black and white.
I'm more of a mocha latte, don't you think? Mm.
Yeah.
I like to think that I'm more like Peach Schnapps, - but in the shape of a person.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah? - That was good, yeah.
- Oh.
Thanks.
- You're welcome.
You know, if this thing doesn't work out, you wanna hang out? - I think we are.
- Oh.
Hey, hi, hi.
You two want some alone time or what? [BOTH.]
Nope, we're all good.
- Oh.
- [LAUGHS.]
Actually, you two doing the sex isn't entirely off-topic.
I, uh, I I can't seem to settle on just one, so I'm choosing both.
I wanna be a throuple, just like EJI, except with two penises.
What the hell is "edgy"? That's Emma, Jack, and Izzy.
I think you missed the headline.
Oh.
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
No.
No, that's not happening.
- I'm fucking with you.
- Oh.
I I'm not really choosing both of you.
Or either.
[SIGHS.]
Look I'm choosing me.
I have spent most of my life trying to be whatever it is I thought men wanted me to be.
And, um, now it's time for me to figure out how to be authentically, genuinely Nina.
And that way, when someone digs me, I'll know it's for real.
And when someone doesn't, I won't give a shit.
Hmm.
So This shit is messed up.
Getting right with myself before I get serious with somebody else is messed up? Honestly, I was, 99% certain she was gonna pick you, so this is a pretty solid win for me.
Nin, come on.
What are you doing? No, I'm not ready, and neither are you.
All right.
I'm out.
[FRONT DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Good on you, Nin.
[CLICKS TEETH.]
That couldn't have been easy.
You you're kinda fucking up my program here, Shaun.
Oh.
I do that.
Do you want me to leave? [FRONT DOOR OPENS.]
[NINA.]
Oh, shit.
- I got a job.
- What? I'm consoling you because you got a job? [SIGHS.]
I checked Jack's underwear drawer.
Mm.
No ring? I'm pretty sure they're moving to Seattle.
Iz? Izzy? - [CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
- She's not answering.
[VIBRATING CONTINUES.]
Wait.
Listen.
[VIBRATING CONTINUES, CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
- There it is.
- Shit.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- [SCOFFS.]
We should never have gone.
No, you shouldn't have come back.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [WHISPERS.]
Who's that? This is Ben, Izzy's dad.
Come right in.
I've come to get her stuff.
- Her stuff? - Yeah.
And that's her phone.
I'll take it to her.
[SCOFFS.]
I will give it to her when I tell her we're not moving to Seattle or Hawthorne Heights.
[SIGHS.]
You got everything you want.
You're back together, you're having a baby, you're moving to the suburbs.
Look, do right by her.
Move on.
- Move on? - Yeah.
What, like you did when she was a teenager? Oh, oh, we're gettin' shitty now? Is that how this is gonna be? Look, I'm aware of how acutely fucked up this must seem.
And seven months ago, I would've thought the same thing.
Yeah, we were just a suburban couple, struggling to have kids.
We weren't looking to get into any scene or lifestyle.
- No, it's not it's not who we were.
- No.
Is that right? Then who are you now? I'm the woman who drove away from the job of a lifetime because I am deeply in love with your daughter.
We tried to imagine a life without her, and we just couldn't.
No.
We belong together, and that's the truth of it.
She is never gonna feel permanent in your world with your kid.
Can't you see that? [SIGHS.]
Actually, that's exactly what we were discussing on the way home.
We need to make a real commitment to us and to her, and we have a plan.
We wanna make it official, the three of us.
How the hell are you gonna do that? - Okay, don't take this the wrong way - This should be good.
But I'm, like, really struggling with this sudden shift in our relationship dynamic.
- You getting a job before me? - Uh Come on.
I mean, God, I'm [CHUCKLES.]
I really miss feeling better than you.
Don't be sad.
You'll catch up eventually.
Okay, what's wrong? I just thought they'd call, at least.
Well, good riddance, Griswolds.
Right? Mm-hmm.
Good riddance.
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATING.]
- One of your suitors? Um, you're you're calling me.
What? - [TOUCHSCREEN CLICKS.]
- Hello? Yeah, she's here.
Uh-huh.
Really? [WHISPERS.]
What? Okay.
[TOUCHSCREEN CLICKS.]
What? You left your phone at the loft.
Okay, so they're back? We gotta go.
- What? - Just come with me.
- Wh - Just come.
[CHEERING.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
- So, hi.
- Hey, Izzy.
Hi? Um, this is our neighbor, Helen Wilberg, who, it turns out, doesn't bake at all but is an actual judge.
Come here.
Hi.
We didn't have time to rehearse, um, so we're just kind of winging it here.
- Uh, I'll start.
Okay.
- Yeah, go ahead.
- Okay.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
So there is no such thing as a three-person marriage.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Ben? Dad? Well, let's not make a thing out of this, yeah? I'll just - Um - Yeah, go.
Be free.
Uh Should we - Now? - Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
You didn't return it.
No.
Um, I saw you looking through my underwear drawer, so I moved it.
Okay, one more time.
- There is no such thing as a three-per - Stop.
Stop.
- But we we have a lot more - No, please.
This is very sweet and - weird.
- [CHUCKLES.]
But Jack, I want you to put that ring on your wife's finger, where it belongs.
And while you're living the best, happiest life in Seattle No, we're not going to Seattle.
And I already have a ring.
Same.
Oh.
This is our home, too.
For better or for worse, we're stuck with this bunch of losers.
- Dick! - Okay.
- Nice.
- Honey Okay, once again.
Uh there's no such thing as a three-person marriage, so we invented one.
Yeah, Emma and I will always be connected by this baby, but now we wanna be connected with you, too.
So, um Oh, wow.
Here.
Izzy Silva will you marry us? As in right here, right now.
Well, technically, you can only marry one of us, - but we know the truth.
- Yeah.
[LAUGHING.]
Um, I'm pretty sure that would be, like, the worst idea ever.
- What is she saying? - Yeah, no, just stand up.
How's it worked out so far when one of you thought I was favoring the other one? - I'd say it - Well, we're not - No, it was bad.
It was bad.
- Bad.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it shouldn't be about a piece of paper.
It should be about you and you and me going all in together.
I like the way this is going.
Wouldn't be my first Poly Commitment Ceremony.
- What? - Wait, what? It's a spiritual commitment, not a legal one.
Ordinarily, you each would've prepared - a heartfelt declaration - Right, we all love each other, we never expected this, blah blah blah.
Here's the fucking deal, okay? If any one of us tries to leave again, there's no coming back.
You walk, you just keep walking.
Okay? Okay.
So, do you, Jack and Emma, accept my proposal? I do.
I do.
Alrighty then.
Anybody object? Uh, nope.
[HELEN.]
Okay.
Maybe put the ring on her finger? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Okay.
Um Oh, right.
- Try to finish the job.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
I hereby pronounce you spiritually, soulfully, and lovingly committed to one another forever and ever.
[LAUGHING.]
Make out already! [LAUGHTER.]
Daylight comes and daylight goes Whoo! - [CHEERING.]
- The world is moving And it's not slowing down Keeps turning around The moment's here and then it's gone Life's not waiting, it's always moving on On and on I still remember how I felt when I'm sure this'll be as smooth as their unborn baby's ass.
Dear God, I hope not.
[LAUGHING.]
We're on our way We're almost home No time to wait, come on, let's go We're wide awake We're not alone So don't be afraid It's all gonna be okay Try to find love that'll take you away Save enough pennies for a rainy day Now you Got something to do If you really wanna go back, it's time to leave We're on our way We're almost home No time to wait, come on, let's go We're wide awake We're not alone So don't be afraid It's all gonna be okay