800 Words (2015) s03e11 Episode Script

1 If you couldn't handle it, you should have said.
I didn't want to come here in the first place! Then why the hell did you say you did? Because I thought that's what you wanted to hear.
GEORGE [NARRATES.]
: In any romantic relationship, the best part is arguably the honeymoon period, that delicious time when you can't stop thinking about each other.
You love spending time together.
You enjoy the same activities.
Sorry about that.
It's not your fault I'm unco.
And almost drowned.
And I got hit in the chin by the board.
Oh.
Maybe we should try and find something else to do together? Yeah.
This time I'll choose.
Or even if you don't enjoy the same activities, you try to.
Because in the honeymoon period, everything's amazing.
Well, what do you enjoy doing? Writing, on a good day.
What do you enjoy that we can do together? Um, surfing.
Done that.
- Cooking.
- Doing that right now.
Travel.
Travel? - I haven't been anywhere for a while.
- I haven't had a holiday in ages.
Weekend away? Oh, my gosh, yes.
As soon as possible.
- Looks like we've got a plan.
- A plan we both like! I've got a tent, and I've got I'll start looking up all the luxury lodges You're talking about camping, right? - What, camping in a tent? - Yeah! I've got all the stuff.
It's our favourite thing.
Billy will be so excited.
Billy? OK.
Um, except isn't it a little bit wintry for camping? That's when it's best, rugged up warm around the fire.
Alright, yeah, family camping trip it is.
Arlo and Shay'll be over the moon.
[THEME MUSIC.]
- But we hate camping.
- That's not true.
- Yeah, but we don't love it.
- Who doesn't love camping? Yeah, exactly.
Being outside, at one with nature.
Remember when you and Mum went away on that weekend to be one with nature and you realised that nature was trying to kill you? Yeah, yeah, but this is New Zealand.
There's no scorpions, snakes, crocs, spiders, dingoes.
Nothing in the New Zealand wilderness can kill you.
No, you'll just die of boredom instead.
And there's a surf club party this weekend.
Come on, Arlo.
SHAY: I have work.
Holiday rentals to clean.
But, um, have fun, you guys.
We can rethink it if no one wants to No, absolutely not.
I want to.
Yeah, me too.
- You'll love it, Arlo.
- Yes, he will.
We all will.
I'm really looking forward to it.
The honeymoon period typically lasts between six months and a couple of years.
It's a time of infatuation, in a good way.
Everything is still fresh and new.
Gentleman.
You got a 'Come To Weld' script for me? Or are you writing a column for Jan on my time? One promotional video script.
Excellent.
We'll start filming tomorrow morning, so I'll see you bright and early down at the boat club.
- Why will you see me? - You're directing.
I am? Peter Jackson was unavailable.
But I know nothing about directing.
You just yell 'action' and 'cut', don't you? - Smiler can direct it.
- Smiler's filming the film.
Well, anyway, I can't do it tomorrow.
We're going camping.
It's Katie's idea.
We're going to a place called Pukekohe.
Why on earth would you want to go there? For a relaxing weekend.
Some people like non-serviced self-sufficient basic camping in the middle of winter.
[LAUGHS.]
It's our first family trip.
And it'll be fun.
- [SIGHS.]
- [DOOR BANGS.]
Oh, sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
I arrived a day early.
I'm Ellie.
This is my parents' place.
Shay, from McNamara Realty.
I should have let someone know, but it was a sudden change of plans.
I'm meant to be at a silent yoga retreat for the whole week.
- Right, fun.
- Yeah.
Well, they kicked me out.
What? Why? OK, so there was a possum in my cabin.
I tried to sort of silently shoo it out, but it ran onto my pillow, so I screamed, and it it charged me.
- Shoot! - So I screamed some more.
Every swear word I've ever known.
It's a bit unfair to kick you out for that.
I know, right? [DOOR BANGS.]
Hey.
Hey.
You guys know each other? Of course you do.
It's Weld.
Hey, look, um, since you guys are here, I'll, uh, come and clean tomorrow.
Or some other time.
Shay.
I don't want to talk about it.
OK, that wasn't ideal.
I don't care, Ike.
You're single.
You can do what you like.
NGAHUIA: Why would you go to Pukekohe at this time of year? It's windier up there than Bill Jr on corn beef Wednesday.
[LAUGHTER.]
I love a good winter camp.
Warm and cosy in the tent, listening to the rain.
Exactly.
If you've got a good tent, you're sweet.
Mine actually gets a bit hot in summer.
- This time of year is perfect.
- What, you've got a tent? Yeah.
I've got all the gear.
How did I not know this about my missus? [CHUCKLES.]
My missus is a camping Nazi.
Which missus would we be talking about, Zac? Oh, yeah.
Force of habit.
Ex-missus.
So, Pukekohe, eh, George? - Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
- Rather you than me.
It's wilder up there than my hairy legs under nylon track pants.
[LAUGHTER.]
Why don't you guys tent it with us? No, we don't want to crash your party.
Arlo and Billy are coming already.
Well, do we have anything on on the weekend? Nuh.
Let's drag the old trusty out and go camping.
Ugh, freezing.
It's colder up there than my buttocks after an outdoor Monty, we get it.
It's cold, windy and wild.
And we are in.
TRACEY: Class trip to Pukekohe.
Oh, go on, then.
I'm in too.
Except you don't have a tent.
True that.
Oh, well.
Another time, then.
I'll just grab Ike's old pup tent.
- Billy's using that.
- I'll crash with him.
Arlo's doing that.
MONTY: You can use my Kombi if you like.
- Bro! - The part's come back from Japan.
Monty McNamara, providing shelter for the people since 2003.
Alright, we're all going camping! - Zac.
- What? George is OK with it.
Hey, bro? Yeah.
Yeah, course.
The more the merrier.
And then he comes in in a towel.
He obviously stayed the night.
And they're both standing there, and I'm standing there, and it is the most awkward situation I've ever been in.
And is that what you were wearing? - Oh, God.
- No, it's OK.
You're one of those freakish women who can make even trackies look good.
Thanks.
- Ellie was in yoga pants.
- As everyday wear? No, I think she actually does yoga.
- Mmm, she would.
- Wait, you know her? She's from a rich Auckland family.
They used to come here every summer, and we all kind of hung out.
But she never would have looked at Ike back then.
The point is, Ike broke up with me to be alone.
To walk his own path.
And now he's with some other blonde girl.
What the hell is that about? What is this about? You're meant to be over him.
I am.
And yet And yet nothing.
It's OK.
No one likes being replaced.
Especially not by someone who is pretty.
And seems really nice.
Yeah, that sucks.
[GENTLE ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC.]
I think we'll have to leave something behind.
That chilly bin's quite large.
No, that Esky is full of vital supplies.
We don't need supplies.
We live off the land when we go camping.
[CHUCKLES.]
I would offer to repack the boot, but would that be a problem? No, why? You know, some blokes think that packing a car is their job.
Yeah, some sexist blokes.
I'm sorry that Zac's gate-crashing our trip.
Katie, it's fine.
I like Zac.
You know that.
But I can totally tell him to get his own holiday if you want.
- No way.
It's fine.
- OK.
[CAR HORN BEEPS.]
I'll pack the car properly.
Ready to convoy! Woody.
Um, I didn't know Poppy was coming.
What's wrong with that? I just thought this was going to be like a boys' weekend thing.
Poppy's not like those girly girls from school.
She'll be sweet.
"There's a little town tucked away down here in the South Pacific.
" "Weld, the best-kept secret in the world.
" Ooh, that's awkward, isn't it? 'Weld, world'.
'World, Weld'? Yeah? Well, it says here, "The best-kept secret on the planet.
" Ahhh.
Do you think he did that on purpose? Probably.
What is this video for, anyway? To draw attention to Weld! The best-kept secret on the planet? Yeah, I got that.
Planet, not world.
Yep.
Only it won't be a secret if you make a film about it.
Do you like struggling by with 2.
5 customers all winter, Fiona? Uh, it helps me rest up for summer when I work 24/7.
- We're here! - Here they are, my film crew.
Order what you like, boys.
- Long day of filming ahead.
- Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you.
These golden lights Dance me round the floor My eyes mislead Deceive me once more And I observe That everything I've learnt Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, it is, it is.
There's, um there's nothing here.
Right, so do we walk to the camping ground from here? No, this is the camping ground.
And the long drop's just up the hill.
Yeah, and there's a tank for water, and if the tank's dry, there's a stream about ten minutes into the bush.
Judging by the mud, I don't think that tank's going to be dry.
I thought this was a camping ground, with a shower block, and a little shop.
I'm so sorry.
These golden lights.
Whew! Smell that forest air.
Need a hand with your tent there, George? - No, it's all good.
We've got it.
- No, no, no, I've got it.
- I'm quite a pro at this.
- Just sit down and relax.
This is a bloke's job.
Bit of an old-school tent, this one.
Yeah, 15 years and still going strong.
Yeah, it's the first thing Katie and I ever bought together.
Hey, Shay.
I've known Ellie for years.
Her family used to come every summer and we'd all just hang out.
Cool story, Ike, but I'm busy.
It's not serious! Like, we saw each other at a mindfulness workshop and just kind of reconnected.
I'm sorry, did You just say 'mindfulness workshop'? Since when are you mindful? You already know I've been doing some searching.
I didn't realise what you were searching for was a blonde in yoga pants.
- Well, I never said - You said you needed to be alone.
Look, I need to sort it out by myself, and I am, but I'm not with Ellie.
We're just, like We haven't put a label on it.
She's a lot of fun, but OK, cheers.
I really don't need to know how fun your new friend is in bed.
Morning, Shay.
You ready, Ike? - Two minutes.
- No, you go.
We're done here.
Let the little fire grow Let your eyes keep close So let your heart beat slow Let the little fire grow Let your eyes keep close To watch the little embers glow Let your heart beat slow Let the little fire grow Let your eyes keep close To watch the little embers glow.
Are you sure you don't want a hand, George? Nah, nah, nah.
I'm good.
All good.
Alright! Maybe we can get a new tent next time, you know? Something like Tracey's.
That's not a real tent, George.
I think it's our one shot [INSTRUMENTAL.]
GEORGE NARRATING: During the honeymoon phase, you can get away with a lot.
You accept each other's faults and flaws.
Whatcha doing? Would you lose respect for me if I said I was working? No.
Your work is your hobby.
Your hobby is your work.
You enjoy it.
Are you going old-school? Yeah, well, I thought it was appropriate.
I love how much we're on the same page with this holiday.
Yeah, me too.
Be out in a minute.
No hurry.
.
.
So let your heart beat slow Let the little fire grow Let your eyes keep close To watch the little embers glow.
Don't say a word.
God, I'm just so angry.
- Ike's a boy.
Boys are stupid.
- Not with Ike, with myself.
For letting it get to me.
OK, you're in New Zealand now, Shay.
You're an honorary Kiwi chick.
So you need to get over this guy like Kiwi chicks get over guys.
Which is? Drinking excessive amounts of sauv and having sex with someone else.
- OK, come on, that's gross.
- When in Weld, Shay What's that? Supplies.
Really? Whatever, Zac.
- Double standards.
- I said shut up.
Is there a problem? Katie has this rule about camping.
It's not really a stringent rule.
You're not allowed to bring food.
You have to live off the land.
Hey? Trace doesn't really have any rules.
Rules are for school.
ZAC: There's plenty of kai if you know where to find it.
Which George doesn't, so Go ahead and open your chilly bin.
No, no, no.
No.
We'll do things the way you always do them.
- No, honestly.
- He's up for the challenge.
There you go, bro.
Don't you have a fishing rod? Oh, that's cool.
WOODY: Oh, yeah, best we go along then, hey, Pops? TRACEY: Come on, guys, catch us some snapper.
- Righto.
- Zac, don't be a dick.
ZAC: Yeah, no, you're right.
I'll go.
No, it's OK.
I'll give it a try.
Oh, I don't think that you'll be able to It's OK, Katie.
I got the tent up, didn't I? Woody, Arlo? Let's go spear us some fish.
OK.
You've never done this before, have you? Never even held a spear gun.
Yeah.
- Here? - Well, there's water.
There could be fish in it.
Some blokes like fishing, but for me, the ocean, it's more of a playground.
You know, it's like my self-serve buffet.
Check out these rock pools.
Aww, baby starfish! Dad always catches heaps of fish.
Snapper, tarakihi.
- And this is where he gets it? - I don't know.
I never go with him.
I only came because I thought it might be fun to watch.
Thanks, Billy.
I've got faith in you, mate.
It's not that George did a bad job, it's just I'm quite good at knots.
You are the knot-tying master.
Don't tell him that I fixed it.
Especially you.
Wonder how he's going with that spear gun.
Why are you stirring? Bet you five bucks he doesn't catch anything.
Why wouldn't he catch anything, Zac? You always caught heaps out there.
Yeah, well, I know the tricks.
Do you? Well, there's always the Esky as back-up.
I'm going to collect some wild watercress to have with the fish.
Well, you'd better get heaps.
It's gonna be your main meal.
- WOODY: Hey, no luck? - This is impossible! - The gun can be quite hard to shoot.
- There's nothing to shoot.
- Are you sure this is the spot? - This is the rocks.
- There aren't any other rocks? - POPPY: Argh! Ohhh.
- Hey, you right? - Yeah.
Righto.
Hey, woman down.
- Time to admit defeat, hey? - I'm alright.
Look, if I could just see something to shoot at, I'll shoot at it.
George, the water's freezing.
There's no fish in there.
Come on.
There's a little town tucked away down here in the South Pacific, Weld, the best-kept secret in the weld.
Dammit! Cut! "The best-kept secret on the planet.
" Let's try that again.
Hey, can we get it right this time? Like, no offence, I've just got plans tonight.
Am I not paying you enough, Ike? I don't think you're paying me at all.
I thought this was part of my day job.
[LAUGHS.]
Take 14.
And action! [CAR HORN BEEPS.]
[GROANS.]
Oh, for pity's sake! MONTY: How's the filming going? It's a challenge.
I stand by my offer to present.
You've seen my real estate videos.
Hey, what's going on there? Secretly Iwi business, I think.
What Iwi business? NGAHUIA and I don't talk shop together.
Gentleman, we'll pick this up tomorrow.
OK, then.
Not very professional.
Come on, let's pack up.
NGAHUIA? I guess she doesn't want a lift anymore.
Fish must've heard the Australians were coming for them.
Well, there's plenty out there, just gotta know where to look.
- Honestly, Zac.
- OK, OK.
Leave it to the pro.
Hey, do we have a first-aid kit? - It's in the car.
- Oh, OK.
Come on, Poppy.
George! Hey, um, did you see that luxury lodge on the way up you, - a couple of K back? - What about it? You can nip in there, get yourself a steak.
I won't tell Katie.
Look if I've gotta eat grass and drink seawater, I'll do it.
And I will enjoy it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, God.
Does that hurt? I'm OK.
OK.
Last one.
All done.
- Thanks.
- Any time.
Um Uh, well, I'd better get all this packed up.
[SIGHS.]
The dawn chorus out here is deafening.
So no sleeping in, then? Hey, Dad's back.
Oh-ho-ho, there's some fish in them there seas.
[LAUGHS.]
What an Adonis! Hope you fellas are hungry.
- Yeah, well, that's - OK, who's on filleting duty? - I can do that.
- OK.
I'll get the table.
Just gotta know the tricks.
Get my filleting knife.
Zac's just showing off, mate.
There are men who hunt and kill, and then there's men who write about it, right? If we didn't have the men who write about it, how did we even know about it? Because it's standing there like some kind of Maori god.
Yeah, I wouldn't be stoked if Tracey's ex, Bevan, was here either.
Mainly because it would mean that he's moved back to Weld.
None of us want that.
You know, especially now Tracey stole his job.
Plus, you know, I never really liked that guy very much.
- Woody.
- Yeah.
I'm not jealous of Zac.
[LAUGHS.]
Aren't ya? Weld is a small town, and everyone has history with everyone else.
Plus Katie and I are good.
Yeah? Yeah, really good.
[DANCE MUSIC.]
SIOUXSIE: People come from all over for these parties.
Stafford and Well, just Stafford mainly.
Then how come we haven't been to one before? Because the music's terrible, and you really only come for one reason, to get some action, if you know what I mean.
Siouxsie, I don't want to get some action.
No, you want to get over Ike.
There's a very slight difference.
Come on.
- Oh, great.
- We're not leaving, Shay.
Siouxsie, I'm struggling to see what's going to be fun about this night.
So, the talent on offer is average to below average.
But hopefully there'll be some latecomers to lift the quality.
You want to dance? My boyfriend wouldn't like it.
[GIGGLES.]
Oh, my God.
No way.
- Hey.
Hi, Shay.
- Hi! Look, I'm sorry about the other morning.
No, no, no, it's fine.
Ike told me that you guys have history.
Oh, right.
Yeah, that must've been so awkward for you, and, yeah, I just wanted to say Ellie, Ike was right.
It is history, so, yeah.
So we're good? Course, yeah.
Have fun.
OK, see you.
- Hey.
- Hi.
You want to dance? No, thank you.
Can I please get a lemonade? - Sure.
- Thanks.
I believe you pushed in.
Oh, hey, Dwayne.
An OJ, thanks, mate.
So how's your night going? Better than mine, I hope.
Cool.
Well, me too.
Objectifying men and jumping the queue.
Didn't your mother teach you any manners? My mother's dead, actually.
Sorry.
[UP-BEAT ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC.]
You came to this world and opened my eyes I knew from the start that you were gonna be fine So fine Yes, so fine 'Cause my baby can shine Shine, shine My baby can shine Ooh-ooh-oooh My baby can shine Shine, shine BILLY: Scorpio and Sagittarius are the constellations of winter.
The stars and planets are called 'Te whanau o marama', the family of light.
That's really beautiful.
And the meteors, they're 'Te matakokiri', the darting ones.
I might go to bed.
- Should I come too? - No, you stay here.
Enjoy yourself.
GEORGE NARRATING: One thing we know for sure about the honeymoon phase is it's never going to last forever.
When does it end? Perhaps it's the first time you feel jealous or insecure.
Also calling it a night.
- Sorry.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[DANCE MUSIC.]
Hey, uh, can you tell Siouxsie that I had to go? Mm-hm.
Oh, incoming.
I apologise that thing I said about your mother.
Forget it.
You didn't know.
Still, I was a prat.
I'm kind of having a crap night.
I thought I'd met someone recently, but it turned out that, uh I think she's kind of hiding from me tonight.
- That's mature.
- Yeah, I know.
It's, like, why not just be honest if you didn't want a boyfriend, you know? Exactly.
Yes, I do know.
My ex broke up with me because he needed to be alone.
Ah.
Hey, um, do you want to get out of here? With me? I mean, I can make you something to eat if you want, or something? Yeah.
I'd like that.
[BIRD CALLS.]
BILLY: No.
No, don't look her in the eyes! [SNARLING.]
What's that? It's just a possum.
That's his mate talking back to him.
You see why we hate them here? No, no, leave! What do you want? Now they're speaking English.
That's just Billy sleep-talking.
You learn to block it out.
Yep.
[MOSQUITO BUZZES.]
Mosquito.
Spare the children! Take take me instead! Just wanted another look at the family of light.
Crazy amount of stars up there.
That was the first thing I noticed when I moved to Weld.
First thing I noticed was the town's a bit strange.
That too.
Yeah.
Billy's having conversations with himself in his sleep.
Must be hard to catch any shut-eye.
Yep.
Sleep in my tent if you want.
I don't snore, yell, or anything like that.
Sleep in your tent like, with you? I won't try anything, I promise.
Neither will I.
Well, then, we're all set.
SHAY: The worst thing is I am actually over him.
So why am I so annoyed? It's because of the lack of transparency.
The most important thing in any romantic relationship is to know where you stand.
I agree.
It's not too much to ask, right? Definitely not.
I misjudged you, Shay.
I thought that you were only interested in one thing, and I You know, I don't do anything like this lightly.
If I spend the night with you, I'm going to want to hold you and come running with you.
[GASPS.]
You are ridiculous! No, not in here.
That's my dad's room.
- Well, which way to your room? - That way.
I don't even know if there are any sheets on the bed.
- You don't live here? - No, it's my dad's place.
Wait, wait, wait.
You should put me down.
OK, um here's the thing.
I don't want you to hold me in the morning or to go running with me.
What? You're really sweet, and some girl is going to be so happy with you, but I'm not that girl.
Why did you bring me here, then? So I could stop thinking about Ike.
Because apparently that's what you do, you know mindless sex with someone else and that solves all your problems.
But I can't imagine it would.
And I don't want to use you.
[SIGHS.]
You know what? I didn't misjudge you.
Well, I did, I did.
I misjudged you the second time.
When I judged you a decent person.
How come Lindsay didn't want to come? Um, she hates camping.
I can see that.
Doesn't seem like the outdoors type.
Yeah, she, um I don't know.
We don't actually have that much in common.
I can also see that.
When I first moved to Weld, she used to hit me.
That's one way to get a dude's attention.
Yep.
Not the good kind.
So what changed? I bonded, I guess.
She doesn't have a mum, and My mum, you know I didn't have a dad for Well, until a couple of months ago.
If you find someone else who gets what that feels like, it's pretty special.
[SEAGULLS CALL.]
Ow! [GRUNTS.]
Whew! [CHUCKLES.]
Woody.
Give it a few minutes before you go in there.
Hey, Zac.
You need to go.
Yeah, I just did.
No, I mean leave.
Go back to Weld.
I don't know why you're here.
Well, I like it here.
You might have noticed that you being here is making George jealous.
- What, he said that? - No, of course he didn't.
But it's not rocket science, is it? How would you feel? Yeah, yeah, well, jealous, I guess.
Like I am.
You have got to be kidding me.
Look Katie, you and me we're each other's back-ups.
I got tired of fooling around, of being someone's back-up.
So you and George are serious, then? Yeah.
I'm happy for you, babe.
[SIGHS.]
Poppy let me crash in there.
You were sleep-talking.
Yeah, I do that.
Was it the one about the woman coming out of the painting? I'm not sure.
- Is Poppy awake? - Uh, no.
Well, she needs to be if we're gonna go Moa hunting.
Early morning's the best time.
Heading back to Weld.
Really? Why? Gotta see a man about a dog.
I'll let you in on something.
The spearfishing.
You've got to know the tricks.
So as my parting gift to you I'm fine, thanks, Zac.
- Well, if you change your mind - I'll let you know.
[DOOR SHUTS.]
How was the fireman? He was searching for a woman who won't use him for his body.
Which is why I slept alone in my old room at my dad's place.
Oh, what? You're not an honorary Kiwi chick at all.
But I feel better than I have in ages.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, I could have gone there, sure.
But I don't want to go around in circles anymore.
OK.
Fair enough.
There's something in that for all of us.
- Is the bathroom this way? - Down the hall to the right.
Thanks.
I also feel better than I have in ages.
KATIE: Kava kava tea? I don't know what kava kava is, but as long as it goes well with croissants, because I do believe it is time to open the chilly bin.
Go on, then.
Oh, bollocks.
There's been an iced coffee spillage.
- You brought iced coffee camping? - Yeah.
And bacon and egg pie, and croissants, and fruit salad.
Well, it's low tide, so we could go and collect tuatua and make fritters.
I am not Zac! - What? - I'm not a hunter gatherer.
And now the hunter gatherer has gone, we're probably all going to starve.
No, we won't.
He's gone because I told him to go.
What? Why? It just wasn't appropriate, him being here.
Don't tell me, because of me? Well, you weren't enjoying him being here, were you? Well, now he's going to think I'm insecure.
And, look, I probably am insecure because I'm useless at this.
- Oh, for God's sake, George.
- Where's the fun in it? Sleeping on half-full air beds and waking up with icicles in your nostrils, and there's no food.
There is food! I will go and get us some food.
No, allow me.
I'll club a possum to death, because you eat them here, don't you? No, we don't eat possum.
- Well, you kill them.
- Because they're pests! And I don't personally kill possums, but do you know I would, because they destroy our native forests, and that is your fault because they were introduced here from Australia.
This is so stupid! And possibly the worst holiday I've ever had.
If you couldn't handle it, then you should have said.
I didn't want to come here in the first place! Then why the hell did you say you did? Because I thought that's what you wanted to hear! [POT CLATTERS.]
Brilliant.
POPPY: So is it like a New Zealand emu? BILLY: No way.
There were nine species of Moa.
The two largest were 3.
5m tall and weighed 230kg.
That's a bloody big bird.
Should we be worried? No, because they've been extinct since 1445.
Or so everyone thinks.
There have been sightings.
Is this like a yeti situation? Yeti aren't real.
Moa were.
Billy reckons he saw one out here when he was a kid.
In that case, we'd better have the camera ready.
Uhhh, where did Billy go? I didn't catch anything.
Well, that's just as well because we no longer have anything to cook it in.
[WOODY AND TRACEY GIGGLE.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[BOTH CLEAR THROATS.]
Hey.
Oh, that was such a good bush walk.
So much nature! - So many - Birds, you know, trees, and, um - Nature.
- Nature.
Woody, what's that on your face there? - Hey? - Is that icing sugar? - Woody! - You could have bloody told me.
OK, OK, we went and had pancakes at the luxury lodge.
- You what? - That is not camping! Yeah, but, come on, to be fair, we've never claimed to be strict campers, so - And they were really good pancakes.
- Yeah.
So guess who wins at camping, then.
George Turner! Even George is better than you guys.
Surf, sea, sand.
And we also have the finest, freshest cuisine served by our friendly locals.
Cut.
What did I do? No, not you.
Hannah, be more natural.
Well, it would help if I didn't have an audience.
I could play the waitress.
I've had years of on-screen experience.
- Like in the real estate videos.
- Can we just get on with it, please? Flat white, three sugars, fast as you can.
Uh, what happened to the camping? Katie told me to sling my hook.
Why? Were you showing off? No, just, you know, three's a crowd.
HANNAH: Aren't Woody and Tracey and all the kids there too? And how's George doing? Not bad for a townie.
So he lasted more than a night? Yeah, he's still there.
OK.
Everyone who said George wouldn't last more than one night in Pukekohe, pay up.
- I think we all said that, didn't we? - Not me.
I had faith.
You did.
Monty is the sole winner of the sweepstakes.
- Yes! - Hand it over.
Yes! Billy will know his way out.
He's been coming here since he was a baby.
It's not him I'm worried about.
What if me and you have to make a hut and live on bugs and sticks? I could handle that, I think.
Same.
Maybe not the bugs and sticks, but being with you.
I don't want to be that girl.
What girl? The one that goes with someone else's boyfriend.
- I'll break up with Lindsay.
- Oh, man, that still makes me No, no, I should have done it ages ago when I first saw you.
Because I haven't been able to stop thinking about you.
Maybe I've been thinking about you a bit too.
Hey! Found a Moa bone.
North Island giant Moa, I'm guessing.
- That's amazing, Billy.
- Yeah.
We thought we'd lost you.
No.
But we should probably get back.
Welcome to Weld, no longer the best-kept secret in the South Pacific.
We await your visit.
Cut.
That's a wrap.
Actually, we might do that last one again.
- Nah, I thought you were fine.
- Yeah, bit of a rewrite, I'm afraid.
Uh, does George know you're rewriting his script? Who's paying for this thing, Ike? We're going again.
You ready? I didn't like arguing with you.
Me neither.
And you're right.
I was jealous.
I could tell.
And you know you don't need to be.
Yeah, I know you're not going to run back to Zac, but he and I are so different.
That's why I like you.
Zac's a good guy, but not in a relationship.
Katie, I want to tell you something, and I don't want you to judge me.
OK.
I don't like camping.
I hate it.
I've got an idea.
Is it as bad as this idea? No.
I think you're going to like this one.
[GRUNTS.]
Better than your air bed.
Only just.
- Don't tell Zac we did this.
- No, of course not.
You know, he did offer to share with me his spearfishing secrets.
He did? Wow.
That is big.
Yeah, I still wouldn't be able to catch any fish, though.
George, I know Zac's spearfishing trick.
He doesn't know that I know, but I do.
It's impossible to catch anything off the rocks.
You've gotta go free-diving in the deep.
So how does he do it, then? Little brothers.
One time he gave me this fish that he'd supposedly just caught, and when I went to fillet it, it was still frozen.
But you never said anything to him? He likes to think he's a big man.
You're so sweet.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
Is that Lindsay? - How is she? - [PHONE BEEPS.]
Good.
Looking forward to seeing her when we get back? Sure.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
- Sorry.
- No, no, you carry on.
Ellie's heading back to Auckland.
University calls.
Hey, thanks for looking after the place.
No problem.
Have a good drive back.
Thanks.
It was great to meet you.
You too.
I'm sorry.
What are you apologising for? You know.
I'm just here to do my job, and I'm OK with whatever you're doing.
In fact, it's good, having it right there in my face.
- Look, Shay, I - It's OK.
It doesn't hurt.
So we can go our separate ways, and everything is fine.
OK.
[SIGHS.]
George! You probably don't have your laptop handy, but As a matter of fact I do.
Is it urgent? I'm about to go for a swim.
In the sea? Are you mad? I'll catch you up.
Hey, um, I sent you an email.
Watch the attached clip.
Have you got it? - Yep.
- Yeah, press play.
Welcome to the town formerly known as Weld, but from now on to be known as the People's Republic of Weld.
We are no longer part of New Zealand or any other sovereign state.
We look forward to greeting you.
Did you write that, George? No.
I did not write that.
Oh, this camping lark is great.
Is it warm? It's beautiful.
Everything OK? Yeah, it's good.
Yeah.
Except Big Mac's lost his marbles.
He's planning something.
Is this the part where I say "This is the life"? Already said it, mate.
- Thank you.
- What for? For trying to do something I like even though it was miserable and we had our first fight.
Yeah, well, you were quite funny.
Especially that stuff about the possum.
[LAUGHS.]
- Hey! - Get a room! Already got one, and it's a bloody good one.
[GUFFAWS.]
[ALL CHATTER AND LAUGH.]
We all dream of a fairy-tale love story.
Unfortunately, he's got two.
And they're about to collide.
Oi you! There's been a bit of a problem at the school.
He wasn't exactly honest with my girl, when he had two birds on the go.
Will his son's mistake cost him hos best mate? - Like father, like son.
- Sorry? New ' 800 Words', next Tuesday, after 'Take me out'.