Ally Mcbeal s03e11 Episode Script
Over the Rainbow
Hey.
Working late, huh? Oh, well I didn't bring an umbrella,so I was, you know, waiting for it.
Uh, to let up.
Waiting for the rain to let up.
"Waiting for it.
" Well, I'm making progress, Billy.
I'm not waiting for a "him" anymore.
Just waiting for It.
Whatever it is.
How about you? Are you gaining on "it"? Me? I'm doing fine these days.
Billy, look at you.
Bleached head, walking around with the Billy Girls.
I know you're smart enough to realizehow ridiculous you've become.
Are you angry with her? Or is it some kind of protestagainst the way life turns out? I don't know.
Maybe, if life's one giant pretense, why not just join in and partake? Mm You are headed for a breakdown.
You do know that.
You really think you're doing a lot better than me? You're standing there staring in the windowwaiting for something.
You don't even know what it is,but you're waiting for it just the same.
Because I know it's out there --whatever "it" is.
Out there? Look in here.
What do you see in here? Nothing.
The place is empty.
No, it's a roomful of people with livesat the end of the day.
Lives which they all go home to.
You and I? I think I work late because the emptiness herepales compared to the nothingness that waits for me in my apartment.
And you -- I think you're a little addicted to the "ding" of the elevator.
Excuse me? You say you're not waiting for a "him.
" Maybe you are, maybe you are not,maybe it really is an "it.
" But every time that elevator goes "ding,"the doors open and something comes out, you're hoping maybe it'll be your Life.
Oh.
Well, now I'm convincedthat your breakdown is in progress because that is the most ridiculous thing ---- I knew it was after hours,but something just told me to get in that elevator, somebody would be here.
Can I help you? What's your name? Um uh, Ally McBeal.
Um, well, my,my middle name is Marie.
But, uh, I,I just go by Ally.
What's yours? Pross Pross? Pross what? Process server.
Can you accept a summons on behalf of your firm? Georgia! What do you mean -- Georgia? Well, she's suing the law firmfor breaking up the marriage! The firm.
Uh, how can she sue us forbreaking up your marriage? D-did the firm kiss Robin Jones? D-did the firm soak its head in Clorox and, and, and pledge allegiance to schmuckhood ?Did the firm ---- All right, Richard! Clearly,this is just a frustrated, angry, weak woman looking to exact a pound of flesh like typical angry, male-hating, frustrated, embittered,weak women like to do! Clearly! What is her cause of action, anyway? She is claiming this firm was a sexually charged arena, which interfered with marital relations.
What? Oh, please.
That's even too bogus for me! We have to be able to squash this! She's also got a claim for emotional distress.
Excuse me.
I, I know I skipped classes in law school, but how can she sue for this?Wh-what am I missing? She's blaming us for the new Billy.
All right.
We all go in on this.
I want solidarity! Billy, you can draft a motion to dismiss on the way.
It's boilerplate.
Elaine can type and fax.
This is one thing I hate about having money.
People sue you.
Do you think it's good to walk in with an army? It hardly makes us look like an underdog.
It'll give a feel of consensus.
One lone, angry expatriateagainst a consensus of reason.
There she is.
She's represented by Tiny Tim.
Who? Tiny Tim Fallow.
He's probably the best divorce lawyer in town.
And he's mean.
He is a mean little man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Georgia, what are you doing? My client is represented by counsel.
She's my wife! B-B-Billy! If you have anything to say to her,you address it to me.
All right.
You're an embittered, angry,little man-hating bitch.
I think we should just go in.
I have to admit, counsel,this seems a bit of a stretch.
Your Honor, this firm is dominated by sex.
Interoffice sex.
The two senior partners bothsleep with associtates.
The women there constantly throw the offer of sexin Billy Thomas' face.
The two senior officers have never done a thingto alter this behavior.
Ultimately,it has lead to the demise of my client's marriage.
This is a no-fault state.
She's not suing her husband;she's suing your firm.
Yes.
Because she's unable to sue her husband, she's looking to lash out at somebody.
And we've become the easy target.
Question of fact -- that's for a jury to decide.
This action is the direct result of a marital breakdown.
As a matter of public policy,we don't entertain lawsuits, == Nor do we allow tortuous behavior to go unchecked! Simply because of some kind of bogus ---- I, uh I have I have not finished yet! All right! Look.
I want to hearexactly what we're talking about.
A short evidentiary hearing.
Two witnesses and I can establish an offer of proof.
I think we'll adjourn till two o'clock.
You can call whoever you want.
This is crazy.
If only I could get her alone.
Could you help me distract the lawyer? How? I am represented by counsel.
Yeah, yeah.
What are you doing? You know, last night, I was standing in my office staring out the window,and actually it, uh, made me think: Uh, suppose somebody hatedthe way their life turned out, well, who would they sue? And then I thought, well, that's pretty silly -- you can't file a lawsuit justbecause you hate your life.
But that's exactly what you're doing,aren't you, Georgia? Ally, wh-what happened to Billy, it wasn't coincidental that he was working there.
Th-the place is oversexed ---- Oh, oh, come on! Look at you.
Two years ago,we all called you Julie Andrews.
Now, you can't even go to a car washwithout jumping somebody.
Mm-mm hmm yeah.
And, uh, two years ago,whatever your problems were with Billy, you weren't a person to turn on your friends.
I do not cultivate a chauvinistic work environment.
That's ridiculous.
Move to strike that! Judge? Is it your opinion that women are sex objects? Yes.
All women? Not the ugly ones.
And fat -- that depends on individual taste.
Objection.
W-withdrawn.
Mr.
Fish, are you attracted to wattle? Yes.
And touching it --that's a sexual act to you, isn't it? Very.
Excuse me.
What is wattle? It's the skin that hangs from the neck of older women -- in some cases, older men.
You've got a little uh, going, though i-it does nothing for me.
Mr.
Fish, you go around your officetouching women's necks, don't you? I try, yes I do.
And you also touch women's knee-pitsto sexually arouse them, do you not? Uh, yes.
In the office? Objection.
These questions have no relevance! They go to the sexually charged arena, which contributed to the failure of my client's marriage.
There is no proximate causebetween an office environment and ---- I would appreciate being able to question this witness without these aggressive interruptions! Let's just get through this! Mr.
Cage, sit down! -Mr.
Fish, you have a unisex bathroom?-Yes.
-And what is the point of that?-So we can all go together when we go.
So we can all go together when we go? I was under oath.
What happened? Richard buried us! That's what happened.
We need to put John on the stand.
John? Why? Well, eh, uh uh They just put Richard upas an example of our senior partner.
We need to show the judge the other one.
Do you have any idea? This morning, she had a ridiculous case.
After your testimony, she suddenly doesn't! Wh-what did I say? What? I like wattle? A-an occasional knee-pit? A group tinkle? That makes me a chauvinist? What?Uh w-well The idea that we influenced Billy Thomas.
He's a grown man,he makes his own decisions.
Well, sir, he has gone through a change lately.
But why is that our doing? Just because we have a unisex bathroom? Just because we have one lascivious senior partner? That's outrageous.
One lascivious senior partner?Are you lascivious, sir? Uh I most certainly am not.
Ever hire a call girl? Did you not hear the question?Did you ever hire a call girl? It was years ago, before I knew my character.
And I will not sit here to be disparaged.
Are you currently having a sexual relationshipwith an associate in your firm? She's my girlfriend.
A partner can't have an associate for a girlfriend? Ever spank her? One time only, and that ---- With her consent? It was a misunderstanding ---- Big old hair brush? Medium-sized.
That young blonde thing over there? She would be the one, yes.
Her name is Nelle.
Nelle! Young blonde Nelle! How fun! With a medium-sized brush! Georgia? [You.]
promised that you'd stay out of it, Renee.
These people are all your friends.
Really? Hmm.
Richard was the one who told Billy not to apologize for being chauvinistic, that he was right to want me to be subordinate, to rub his feet, serve his sexual needsand cook him dinner.
Nelle constantly flirts with him.
Ally kissed him.
Yet, John Cage never lifted a finger to curtail any of it.
Who does that leave for friendship? Oh, Ling! I have to admit I'm enjoying it a little.
-This trial?-Yes.
To see friends tearing and clawing at each other --that would be fun for you? I just can't believeshe's actually making a case of it.
Look, Billy.
We need you to come off as sympathetic tomorrow.
Y-you need to disguisewh-what you've become.
John, are you doing direct? He's still not talking.
I'm taking the direct.
Billy, the main thing is to come off reasonable,like Richard said, sensitive to Georgia.
Mm I'm ready, Nelle.
Just ask me the questions.
I'm ready.
Why do I have a bad feeling? We had communication problems.
I suppose we drifted apart.
These communication problems --did the law firm of Cage and Fish play a part? Of course not.
If I could have saved my marriageby working somewhere else, I would have absolutely done that.
But the problems, they ran a little deeperthan a unisex bathroom.
Not to air out the dirty laundry, but why do you think your marriage failed,Mr.
Thomas? To be honest, I don't know.
The last couple of years, we seemed tohave grown angry with each other.
We don't laugh like we used to.
And, rather than address it, we just let it slide.
And, uh it slid too much.
It slid too much,and you just couldn't stop it? I don't appreciate your sarcasm, Mr.
Fallow.
I apologize.
You said you would have left the law firm for the good of the marriageif you thought it would help? Yes.
You didn't see working side by sidewith a former girlfriend as a possible threat? you're referring to my relationshipwith Ms.
McBeal, that relationship was over.
You kissed Ms.
McBeal last year, did you not? Yes, I don't defend it.
It was probably symptomatic of thingsdeteriorating with Georgia.
When you say, "There's a new man in town,"what do you mean by that? I think it refers to me finally recognizingsome of my deep-seated values.
-Which are old-fashioned?-Perhaps.
A woman's place is in the home.
That one certainly ---- I said a mother's place.
I have no troublewith women working.
I'd say when they become mothers,they should be home.
And when did you first sharethis sentiment with your wife? A couple months ago.
What about a wife's obligation tosatisfy her husband sexually? You said that too, right? A spousal relationship is sexual, Mr.
Fallow.
Tell me about the Billy Girls.
They're women I hire to accompany me to meetings.
-Six beautiful models?-It's a look.
And they dangle off you like accessories? Success begets success, Mr.
Fallow.
You show up dripping with beautiful models, it makes a statement.
That's all I was doing.
Y-Y-Your Honor, I, I must object.
He's ruining our case.
Let's not apologize for it, Richard!That's what dooms marriages.
What does? Men apologizing for who and what they are.
Men bowing to this idea that they're failures.
It's insidious.
Women, they pick, pick, pick, pick.
It's a day-by-day brainwashinguntil one day the man wakes up feeling he's not good enough.
You want to know what happenedto my marriage, Mr.
Fallow? She made me feel less than.
And then, I decided to live up to that prophecy,and I got sick, sick, sick of the pick, pick, picking! And she still wants to pick,she still wants to attack.
And because the law saysshe can't pick, pick, pick at me in a no-fault state,she's suing the firm.
That's why we're here, Judge.
That's why she's sitting there, why I'm sitting here,why you're up there.
Women as a gender are vindictive.
They live to belittle men,to make us feel small.
And she hired you as her lawyer, Mr.
Fallow, because you're the tiniest one she could find and it will save timewhen it comes time to belittle you! Is that your final answer?Or would you like to call a friend? -Well, I thought that was quite the performance.
-Under oath, I had to tell the truth.
Didn't I? I'm worried about you.
You don't act like the Billy I know.
And this -- well, i-it was cute for about half a second then it's not funny if you're cracking up.
-Are we over the rainbow, Ally? Is this it?-Sorry? You remember when we were kids, we used to sing that song:"Somewhere over the rainbow"? -Oh, grow up, Billy.
-We are grown-up.
That's the problem.
We've gone from being peoplewith bright futures to people who should be living their futures now.
-Are you serious?-Yes.
I think I get angry when I think I'm not.
I get scared when I think I am.
I'm an attorney with a failed marriageand a bleached head.
All these things are your own doing,and all these things you can change.
Ally.
-Do you really think I'm cracking up?-Yeah.
Maybe, maybe we should call Ling to the stand.
She can verify women live to belittle men.
What are your thoughts?You have to talk at some point, John.
-Anything?-Not a word.
My advice? I still don't think she has a case.
But on the chance she beats our motion to dismiss, and after Billy's little performance -- why not throw $10,000 at her,give her a sense of victory? Oh, come on! We don't have to admit liability.
Or you want this to go to trial?$10,000 is cheap.
What, what do you think, John? All right.
Uh, Nelle ---- -Nooo.
-You're talking again.
I want to put Georgia on the stand.
I want to get her.
-Let's just see if we can just -----No! She disparaged me.
I want to get her! Yeah I've never seen him like this.
He's not talking,he's got this nasty look on his face.
Well, when he gets boned for trial sometimes I think Georgia made him angry.
Oh my god.
We're heading over.
I take it you're ready? I certainly take responsibility for myself.
I'm not denying that.
All I'm saying is that Cage and Fishshould also take a little responsibility.
But why? It's a place of work.
Yes.
Where female associatessuck senior partners' fingers.
Where secretaries givemouth-to-mouth with their tongues.
Where men are kissing women,women are kissing women.
It's Club Med with ties.
And, sexual arena that it is,it undermined my marriage.
And if we truly are to take the institution of marriageas seriously we all pretend to, then I think this law firmought to take some responsibility when they help to destroy one.
-Thank you, Ms.
Thomas.
-I think you said that very clearly.
You say the arena of Cage and Fishjeopardized your marriage.
Did you ever once ask your husbandto stop working there? No, because ---- Your answer is "no.
" Thank you.
You talk about sex, sex, sex in the workplace.
Ever sign up for a sculpting classsolely because of the endowment of the male model? Yes or no, again -- limiting, of course,all your responses to the truth.
Okay.
I signed up because I was curious.
Thank you.
By the way, mention has beenmade of the unisex bathroom.
Did you ever lodge a complaintwith either Richard Fish or myself about the lavatory's being unisex? Once again, if you could limit your answer to the truth.
No, I never complained.
Thank you.
So, you never asked Billy to quit, you never complained about the Unisex, you certainly didn't complain about the male modelhaving the gigantic ---- Objection! You made love in the Unisex once, didn't you? What? You and Billy in a stall, naked, you ---- That happened once,when w-we were trying to rekindle ---- Ever make love on the conference table? Ah.
Who cares? Mind if I walk? You caught your husband kissing another woman,didn't you, Georgia? That's right.
Two weeks after you were kissing another man? Yes, but ---- The father of this woman right over there,isn't that correct? Yes.
Who is this woman, Ms.
Thomas? Ally.
Ally? Well, does she have a last name,or do we just call her Ally? I guess we could just call her Ally, couldn't we? Because this isn't just a woman,this isn't just a fellow associate, is it, Georgia? This is Ally.
Ask that she be markedand identified as "Exhibit A," Your Honor.
Exhibit A is a former girlfriend of Billy's, is she not? Yes.
Exhibit A, uh, grew up with Billy.
It was love at first sniff.
And in fact, Georgia --reminding you you're under oath -- Exhibit A is quite likely the true love of Billy's life,true or false? I don't know.
You don't know? You don't know.
Well, have you ever confronted Billy, telling him you believed Exhibit Ato be the true love of his life? Yes.
Ever express your belief duringyour employment at Cage and Fish that Billy was still in love with her? Yes.
Did you make room for the possibility, Ms.
Thomas, that your husband working side by sidewith the true love of his life might be detrimental to the well-being of your marriage? Of course, I did.
Well, yet you never once asked him to quit? You never once said to him,"Work someplace else," did you? Only [because.]
---- -Yes or no!-No.
And you're here today begging the courtto take seriously the institution of marriage? How much regard did you show for your own? You watch as your husband workside by side with the woman he might still be in love with,you watch without protest ---- And I was stupid not to ---- Well, your complaint says nothing about youbeing stupid, Georgia.
Your complaint says nothing about youkissing the father of Exhibit A.
I didn't know he was her father.
No, you thought you were kissing a stranger,didn't you, Georgia? -What was it? Some kind of sexual dare?-No! It was more about getting back at Billy! -Hmm.
It's about your anger?-Yes.
Yeah.
That's what this is all about,isn't it -- your anger? I'm angry.
I don't deny ---- Did you go to a marriage counselorafter you were caught kissing Exhibit A's father? No.
Did you seek out therapy after youdiscovered Billy kissing Robin Jones? No.
Did you even bother to havea single discussion with your husband? It wouldn't [matter.]
---- Yes-or-no question, Georgia.
After you saw your husband kissing Robin Jones, on the heels of your kissing the father of Exhibit A -- did you have a single conversation;or did you just pull your wedding ring off, plop it on the table and say,"I quit"? Which was it, Georgia? The latter.
And subsequent to that,did Billy make attemps to reconcile? He made one feeble attempt.
-Well, did you make any attempts to work it out?-No.
And here you are today,exalting the institution of marriage, suing a workplace forundermining your relationship with your husband when you have done nothing to help it! You watch without protestas he works side by side with Exhibit A.
You kissed Exhibit A's father.
You don't bother to get any counselingto save the relationship.
And you come into this court blaming us, blaming a law firm,asking us to take responsibility ---- All right, John.
That's enough! You're not being sued here, Billy.
I am.
I said that's enough! Well, I'd like the court to note:I had a big finish planned.
Don't like being made an exhibit! My grand finish, you just cut me right off! -You'd done enough damage.
-Oh, damage? She's the [You.]
didn't get to me! I'm the onewho's been most slandered! All right! You alienated the judge! Did you see the way the bailiff was looking at me? I'm the little blonde thing getting diddledby the senior partner! Thanks for coming to my defense, John! You didn't cross at all on that! That's It's my knee-pit! My chastity! Talking about her anger! my own side.
What happened?John made me an exhibit my own side.
Exhibit A, that's what I am! Were you displeased with my performance? No.
John, you did great.
Chewed her right up.
You were a vicious little piranha in there.
Well done.
What's the matter? Remember when I came to youwith the idea of starting a firm? I listed four reasons.
Do you remember? First?Money.
Second?Money.
Third?Fun.
Fourth?Money.
What happened to Number Three?We have fun, Richard.
I have fun.
One member of this firm is suing us, John.
It's about a marriage.
It's about us.
Her tiny little lawyer attacked youin that witness chair, and me! It comes from hurt.
You can't ---- And you attacked her.
You just bullied her like, like their ---- I I am, I am not a b-er-b-er-b-er-b-er-b-er bully.
I don't like that word! When I was little, I was picked on by b-er-b-er those people.
I don't like that word, and I'm,I'm not that kind of person! -Well you went to town on her, that's all -Well, may I remind you this is about a war? Exactly! It's a war.
Win or lose, we lose, John.
God, when I was little,I just hated the grown-ups.
I would vow, I grew old, I,I didn't want to become an adult.
I think you've succeeded there, Richard.
You know what I mean.
I harbored this fantasy! That we'd all get to be kids at this place, we'd work together and play together -- fun! -Look how it's turning out.
It's war.
-Well What happened? Wh-what are you talking about -- Departments? Department.
Litigation, Corporate, Real Estate.
No, we don't have that kind of structure here.
Then, we should.
And I want youto be Administrative Partner ---- I don't want to be Administrative ---- We need to be more systematized.
This informality is stupid.
The a-a-associates don't know their place,they overstep ---- Where is this coming from? We should run this place like a law firm for a change, instead of a warm-up act for happy hour! Oh, please! We need to be more disciplined and less social.
Nobody here is really friends, anyway.
It's all ---- Balls ---- John! Let's run this place like a damn law firm, okay? That way, nobody gets hurt,and we don't bust up any lousy marriages! Nothing? I called her, she wouldn't even pick up.
I suppose after John's ambush ---- Oh, bite me! All right.
Now, what should I have done, Billy? All right! What happens now? Final statements, and the judge rules.
Ally, would you mind if I came down? It all sounds so vicious,and it's just not fair for me to miss out.
Sure, Elaine.
Come on down with us.
Certainly, in sexual harassment laws, the legislature has intended for companies to take responsibility for thingsthat happen in the workplace -- especially when the behavior works a hardshipon an employee.
It's the very same principle we're applying today.
The environment at Cage and Fish has become vulgar.
The vulgarity is fostered by the senior partners.
Richard Fish, as he testified,believes women are sex objects.
Did it all have an influence? Billy Thomas now walks aroundwith models flanking him, espousing his newfound philosophythat wives belong in the home, ready to rub the husbands' feetand poised to serve them sexually.
Did it negatively impact my client's marriage?Look at them.
None of these people at Cage and Fishare in relationships -- unless we count the onebetween Mr.
Cage and Ms.
Porter, which evidently involvessome form of corporal punishment.
The place has the integrity of a strip club.
It is our contention that no employee'smarital union could survive working there.
No union ever has.
And sure, Mr.
and Mrs.
Thomas were free to quit,as Mr.
Cage kept drumming.
But the courts have rejected freedom to quitas a defense in sexual harassment cases.
The court should also do so here.
Are we saying that Georgia Thomas bearsno responsibility? Of course, not.
But is it unreasonable to saythat Cage and Fish bear a tiny bit of it? Of course, not.
Mr.
Cage? You know, when I was six or seven years old, uh, I remember watching my fathergetting dressed for a funeral.
A man in his office had died.
And I asked him, well, "Was he a nice man?" And my father said he really didn't have any idea.
Said he'd really never gotten to know him.
Well, they'd worked at the same firmfor seventeen years and hadn't really gotten to know one another.
How sad is that? We all certainly know each other.
I know about his neck wattle fetish.
I know the reasons he bleached his head.
This one here can get you a blimp in a pinch.
This one invents face brasand will lick the cappuccino foam off my nose if I'm not careful.
This one I love.
And this one, I love too.
Imagine that, in my own firm,Richard Fish and Exhibit A are my best friends in life,Nelle Porter's my lover.
Imagine, I get to go to work each daywith people I care so deeply about.
I'm tickled.
Is there a point? Yeah.
The point is that Richard Fish shouldn't apologizefor this place that he's built.
The place where my father was employed, where people work side by sidefor seventeen years without really getting to know each other -- that's the place where there's,where there's something wrong.
Here where people are in each other's lives.
Richard Fish can be proud of that,I'm proud of that.
And yes, there's some,some finger sucking on occasion, and a knee-pit, uh, it seems everybody has kissed everybody elseat one time or another.
But we're kids.
The partners are in their thirties, the associates in their twenties.
Even if we're not still kids,I guess we all like to pretend we are.
And today, you know, suddenly i-i-it's become very difficult to cling to that illusionbecause a very grownup thing is going on.
A marriage is falling apart.
Two people that we adore --their marriage is ending.
And it hurts.
Georgia is angry at Billy, and she's angry at the firm, maybe because she feels betrayed by it.
You know, ugly things aren't supposed to happenat Cage and Fish.
All of our bumps and bruises canusually be covered with, with a "bygones," but this one can't be.
This one, their hurt runs deeper.
Now, you had your lawyer grill me on the stand.
I then turned on you, becoming the beu-eh-the-beu-eh-the- mean person.
All the while, Georgia, we continued to adore you.
I mean, you're one of us.
Suing us.
Now, if your goal here was to make us feelsome of the pain that you feel, you've already won.
But, as for us breaking up her marriage,I think we all know better.
Did he say how long he'd be out? He wanted us to stay close.
So, he must be deciding quickly.
I know this will sound stupid, but when I left, not even a cake.
Two years, I worked with you, by you,going to the bar at night and when I left, you just padlocked my officeso I couldn't take files.
All that time, I was just his wife.
No, tha-that isn't true, Georgia.
I-is that what this is about? None of you even called to say hi.
Come on.
Judge is back.
All right.
The court recognizes the expanding exposure and liability stemming from workplace environments.
Be it civil rights, health or sexual harassments, we're only too happy to get in there and legislatewhen we don't like what's going on.
But assessing blame when it comes to marriage,that is still a path we're loath to go down.
I don't think this firm made it any easierfor Mr.
and Mrs.
Thomasto stay married.
But this is a no-fault state, and in the end well, that's the end.
The petitioner's lawsuit is dismissed without prejudice.
But if I'm in the neighborhoodand I have the urge to pee, you can be sure I'll visit your Unisex.
Adjourned.
Well, that's a relief.
Good job, Ally, John.
Good job.
Hey, hey.
You really were suing the firm.
Look, Georgia, y-you left so suddenly that And don't you think that we feel the voidnow that you're gone? No, I don't.
Well, then we need to work on that.
We can start with We're all going to dinner.
Come with us.
-Please.
-That's okay.
Georgia, you don't have to file a lawsuitto spend time with us.
Come to dinner.
Uh Okay.
Uh, uh, listen, uh, J-uh, John.
Your words, your, your closing.
I js-just want you to know I thought it ran a little long.
Yeah.
We do have something here don't we? I mean, the people, th-th-the friends.
We have built something special.
Right? Indeed.
Working late, huh? Oh, well I didn't bring an umbrella,so I was, you know, waiting for it.
Uh, to let up.
Waiting for the rain to let up.
"Waiting for it.
" Well, I'm making progress, Billy.
I'm not waiting for a "him" anymore.
Just waiting for It.
Whatever it is.
How about you? Are you gaining on "it"? Me? I'm doing fine these days.
Billy, look at you.
Bleached head, walking around with the Billy Girls.
I know you're smart enough to realizehow ridiculous you've become.
Are you angry with her? Or is it some kind of protestagainst the way life turns out? I don't know.
Maybe, if life's one giant pretense, why not just join in and partake? Mm You are headed for a breakdown.
You do know that.
You really think you're doing a lot better than me? You're standing there staring in the windowwaiting for something.
You don't even know what it is,but you're waiting for it just the same.
Because I know it's out there --whatever "it" is.
Out there? Look in here.
What do you see in here? Nothing.
The place is empty.
No, it's a roomful of people with livesat the end of the day.
Lives which they all go home to.
You and I? I think I work late because the emptiness herepales compared to the nothingness that waits for me in my apartment.
And you -- I think you're a little addicted to the "ding" of the elevator.
Excuse me? You say you're not waiting for a "him.
" Maybe you are, maybe you are not,maybe it really is an "it.
" But every time that elevator goes "ding,"the doors open and something comes out, you're hoping maybe it'll be your Life.
Oh.
Well, now I'm convincedthat your breakdown is in progress because that is the most ridiculous thing ---- I knew it was after hours,but something just told me to get in that elevator, somebody would be here.
Can I help you? What's your name? Um uh, Ally McBeal.
Um, well, my,my middle name is Marie.
But, uh, I,I just go by Ally.
What's yours? Pross Pross? Pross what? Process server.
Can you accept a summons on behalf of your firm? Georgia! What do you mean -- Georgia? Well, she's suing the law firmfor breaking up the marriage! The firm.
Uh, how can she sue us forbreaking up your marriage? D-did the firm kiss Robin Jones? D-did the firm soak its head in Clorox and, and, and pledge allegiance to schmuckhood ?Did the firm ---- All right, Richard! Clearly,this is just a frustrated, angry, weak woman looking to exact a pound of flesh like typical angry, male-hating, frustrated, embittered,weak women like to do! Clearly! What is her cause of action, anyway? She is claiming this firm was a sexually charged arena, which interfered with marital relations.
What? Oh, please.
That's even too bogus for me! We have to be able to squash this! She's also got a claim for emotional distress.
Excuse me.
I, I know I skipped classes in law school, but how can she sue for this?Wh-what am I missing? She's blaming us for the new Billy.
All right.
We all go in on this.
I want solidarity! Billy, you can draft a motion to dismiss on the way.
It's boilerplate.
Elaine can type and fax.
This is one thing I hate about having money.
People sue you.
Do you think it's good to walk in with an army? It hardly makes us look like an underdog.
It'll give a feel of consensus.
One lone, angry expatriateagainst a consensus of reason.
There she is.
She's represented by Tiny Tim.
Who? Tiny Tim Fallow.
He's probably the best divorce lawyer in town.
And he's mean.
He is a mean little man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Georgia, what are you doing? My client is represented by counsel.
She's my wife! B-B-Billy! If you have anything to say to her,you address it to me.
All right.
You're an embittered, angry,little man-hating bitch.
I think we should just go in.
I have to admit, counsel,this seems a bit of a stretch.
Your Honor, this firm is dominated by sex.
Interoffice sex.
The two senior partners bothsleep with associtates.
The women there constantly throw the offer of sexin Billy Thomas' face.
The two senior officers have never done a thingto alter this behavior.
Ultimately,it has lead to the demise of my client's marriage.
This is a no-fault state.
She's not suing her husband;she's suing your firm.
Yes.
Because she's unable to sue her husband, she's looking to lash out at somebody.
And we've become the easy target.
Question of fact -- that's for a jury to decide.
This action is the direct result of a marital breakdown.
As a matter of public policy,we don't entertain lawsuits, == Nor do we allow tortuous behavior to go unchecked! Simply because of some kind of bogus ---- I, uh I have I have not finished yet! All right! Look.
I want to hearexactly what we're talking about.
A short evidentiary hearing.
Two witnesses and I can establish an offer of proof.
I think we'll adjourn till two o'clock.
You can call whoever you want.
This is crazy.
If only I could get her alone.
Could you help me distract the lawyer? How? I am represented by counsel.
Yeah, yeah.
What are you doing? You know, last night, I was standing in my office staring out the window,and actually it, uh, made me think: Uh, suppose somebody hatedthe way their life turned out, well, who would they sue? And then I thought, well, that's pretty silly -- you can't file a lawsuit justbecause you hate your life.
But that's exactly what you're doing,aren't you, Georgia? Ally, wh-what happened to Billy, it wasn't coincidental that he was working there.
Th-the place is oversexed ---- Oh, oh, come on! Look at you.
Two years ago,we all called you Julie Andrews.
Now, you can't even go to a car washwithout jumping somebody.
Mm-mm hmm yeah.
And, uh, two years ago,whatever your problems were with Billy, you weren't a person to turn on your friends.
I do not cultivate a chauvinistic work environment.
That's ridiculous.
Move to strike that! Judge? Is it your opinion that women are sex objects? Yes.
All women? Not the ugly ones.
And fat -- that depends on individual taste.
Objection.
W-withdrawn.
Mr.
Fish, are you attracted to wattle? Yes.
And touching it --that's a sexual act to you, isn't it? Very.
Excuse me.
What is wattle? It's the skin that hangs from the neck of older women -- in some cases, older men.
You've got a little uh, going, though i-it does nothing for me.
Mr.
Fish, you go around your officetouching women's necks, don't you? I try, yes I do.
And you also touch women's knee-pitsto sexually arouse them, do you not? Uh, yes.
In the office? Objection.
These questions have no relevance! They go to the sexually charged arena, which contributed to the failure of my client's marriage.
There is no proximate causebetween an office environment and ---- I would appreciate being able to question this witness without these aggressive interruptions! Let's just get through this! Mr.
Cage, sit down! -Mr.
Fish, you have a unisex bathroom?-Yes.
-And what is the point of that?-So we can all go together when we go.
So we can all go together when we go? I was under oath.
What happened? Richard buried us! That's what happened.
We need to put John on the stand.
John? Why? Well, eh, uh uh They just put Richard upas an example of our senior partner.
We need to show the judge the other one.
Do you have any idea? This morning, she had a ridiculous case.
After your testimony, she suddenly doesn't! Wh-what did I say? What? I like wattle? A-an occasional knee-pit? A group tinkle? That makes me a chauvinist? What?Uh w-well The idea that we influenced Billy Thomas.
He's a grown man,he makes his own decisions.
Well, sir, he has gone through a change lately.
But why is that our doing? Just because we have a unisex bathroom? Just because we have one lascivious senior partner? That's outrageous.
One lascivious senior partner?Are you lascivious, sir? Uh I most certainly am not.
Ever hire a call girl? Did you not hear the question?Did you ever hire a call girl? It was years ago, before I knew my character.
And I will not sit here to be disparaged.
Are you currently having a sexual relationshipwith an associate in your firm? She's my girlfriend.
A partner can't have an associate for a girlfriend? Ever spank her? One time only, and that ---- With her consent? It was a misunderstanding ---- Big old hair brush? Medium-sized.
That young blonde thing over there? She would be the one, yes.
Her name is Nelle.
Nelle! Young blonde Nelle! How fun! With a medium-sized brush! Georgia? [You.]
promised that you'd stay out of it, Renee.
These people are all your friends.
Really? Hmm.
Richard was the one who told Billy not to apologize for being chauvinistic, that he was right to want me to be subordinate, to rub his feet, serve his sexual needsand cook him dinner.
Nelle constantly flirts with him.
Ally kissed him.
Yet, John Cage never lifted a finger to curtail any of it.
Who does that leave for friendship? Oh, Ling! I have to admit I'm enjoying it a little.
-This trial?-Yes.
To see friends tearing and clawing at each other --that would be fun for you? I just can't believeshe's actually making a case of it.
Look, Billy.
We need you to come off as sympathetic tomorrow.
Y-you need to disguisewh-what you've become.
John, are you doing direct? He's still not talking.
I'm taking the direct.
Billy, the main thing is to come off reasonable,like Richard said, sensitive to Georgia.
Mm I'm ready, Nelle.
Just ask me the questions.
I'm ready.
Why do I have a bad feeling? We had communication problems.
I suppose we drifted apart.
These communication problems --did the law firm of Cage and Fish play a part? Of course not.
If I could have saved my marriageby working somewhere else, I would have absolutely done that.
But the problems, they ran a little deeperthan a unisex bathroom.
Not to air out the dirty laundry, but why do you think your marriage failed,Mr.
Thomas? To be honest, I don't know.
The last couple of years, we seemed tohave grown angry with each other.
We don't laugh like we used to.
And, rather than address it, we just let it slide.
And, uh it slid too much.
It slid too much,and you just couldn't stop it? I don't appreciate your sarcasm, Mr.
Fallow.
I apologize.
You said you would have left the law firm for the good of the marriageif you thought it would help? Yes.
You didn't see working side by sidewith a former girlfriend as a possible threat? you're referring to my relationshipwith Ms.
McBeal, that relationship was over.
You kissed Ms.
McBeal last year, did you not? Yes, I don't defend it.
It was probably symptomatic of thingsdeteriorating with Georgia.
When you say, "There's a new man in town,"what do you mean by that? I think it refers to me finally recognizingsome of my deep-seated values.
-Which are old-fashioned?-Perhaps.
A woman's place is in the home.
That one certainly ---- I said a mother's place.
I have no troublewith women working.
I'd say when they become mothers,they should be home.
And when did you first sharethis sentiment with your wife? A couple months ago.
What about a wife's obligation tosatisfy her husband sexually? You said that too, right? A spousal relationship is sexual, Mr.
Fallow.
Tell me about the Billy Girls.
They're women I hire to accompany me to meetings.
-Six beautiful models?-It's a look.
And they dangle off you like accessories? Success begets success, Mr.
Fallow.
You show up dripping with beautiful models, it makes a statement.
That's all I was doing.
Y-Y-Your Honor, I, I must object.
He's ruining our case.
Let's not apologize for it, Richard!That's what dooms marriages.
What does? Men apologizing for who and what they are.
Men bowing to this idea that they're failures.
It's insidious.
Women, they pick, pick, pick, pick.
It's a day-by-day brainwashinguntil one day the man wakes up feeling he's not good enough.
You want to know what happenedto my marriage, Mr.
Fallow? She made me feel less than.
And then, I decided to live up to that prophecy,and I got sick, sick, sick of the pick, pick, picking! And she still wants to pick,she still wants to attack.
And because the law saysshe can't pick, pick, pick at me in a no-fault state,she's suing the firm.
That's why we're here, Judge.
That's why she's sitting there, why I'm sitting here,why you're up there.
Women as a gender are vindictive.
They live to belittle men,to make us feel small.
And she hired you as her lawyer, Mr.
Fallow, because you're the tiniest one she could find and it will save timewhen it comes time to belittle you! Is that your final answer?Or would you like to call a friend? -Well, I thought that was quite the performance.
-Under oath, I had to tell the truth.
Didn't I? I'm worried about you.
You don't act like the Billy I know.
And this -- well, i-it was cute for about half a second then it's not funny if you're cracking up.
-Are we over the rainbow, Ally? Is this it?-Sorry? You remember when we were kids, we used to sing that song:"Somewhere over the rainbow"? -Oh, grow up, Billy.
-We are grown-up.
That's the problem.
We've gone from being peoplewith bright futures to people who should be living their futures now.
-Are you serious?-Yes.
I think I get angry when I think I'm not.
I get scared when I think I am.
I'm an attorney with a failed marriageand a bleached head.
All these things are your own doing,and all these things you can change.
Ally.
-Do you really think I'm cracking up?-Yeah.
Maybe, maybe we should call Ling to the stand.
She can verify women live to belittle men.
What are your thoughts?You have to talk at some point, John.
-Anything?-Not a word.
My advice? I still don't think she has a case.
But on the chance she beats our motion to dismiss, and after Billy's little performance -- why not throw $10,000 at her,give her a sense of victory? Oh, come on! We don't have to admit liability.
Or you want this to go to trial?$10,000 is cheap.
What, what do you think, John? All right.
Uh, Nelle ---- -Nooo.
-You're talking again.
I want to put Georgia on the stand.
I want to get her.
-Let's just see if we can just -----No! She disparaged me.
I want to get her! Yeah I've never seen him like this.
He's not talking,he's got this nasty look on his face.
Well, when he gets boned for trial sometimes I think Georgia made him angry.
Oh my god.
We're heading over.
I take it you're ready? I certainly take responsibility for myself.
I'm not denying that.
All I'm saying is that Cage and Fishshould also take a little responsibility.
But why? It's a place of work.
Yes.
Where female associatessuck senior partners' fingers.
Where secretaries givemouth-to-mouth with their tongues.
Where men are kissing women,women are kissing women.
It's Club Med with ties.
And, sexual arena that it is,it undermined my marriage.
And if we truly are to take the institution of marriageas seriously we all pretend to, then I think this law firmought to take some responsibility when they help to destroy one.
-Thank you, Ms.
Thomas.
-I think you said that very clearly.
You say the arena of Cage and Fishjeopardized your marriage.
Did you ever once ask your husbandto stop working there? No, because ---- Your answer is "no.
" Thank you.
You talk about sex, sex, sex in the workplace.
Ever sign up for a sculpting classsolely because of the endowment of the male model? Yes or no, again -- limiting, of course,all your responses to the truth.
Okay.
I signed up because I was curious.
Thank you.
By the way, mention has beenmade of the unisex bathroom.
Did you ever lodge a complaintwith either Richard Fish or myself about the lavatory's being unisex? Once again, if you could limit your answer to the truth.
No, I never complained.
Thank you.
So, you never asked Billy to quit, you never complained about the Unisex, you certainly didn't complain about the male modelhaving the gigantic ---- Objection! You made love in the Unisex once, didn't you? What? You and Billy in a stall, naked, you ---- That happened once,when w-we were trying to rekindle ---- Ever make love on the conference table? Ah.
Who cares? Mind if I walk? You caught your husband kissing another woman,didn't you, Georgia? That's right.
Two weeks after you were kissing another man? Yes, but ---- The father of this woman right over there,isn't that correct? Yes.
Who is this woman, Ms.
Thomas? Ally.
Ally? Well, does she have a last name,or do we just call her Ally? I guess we could just call her Ally, couldn't we? Because this isn't just a woman,this isn't just a fellow associate, is it, Georgia? This is Ally.
Ask that she be markedand identified as "Exhibit A," Your Honor.
Exhibit A is a former girlfriend of Billy's, is she not? Yes.
Exhibit A, uh, grew up with Billy.
It was love at first sniff.
And in fact, Georgia --reminding you you're under oath -- Exhibit A is quite likely the true love of Billy's life,true or false? I don't know.
You don't know? You don't know.
Well, have you ever confronted Billy, telling him you believed Exhibit Ato be the true love of his life? Yes.
Ever express your belief duringyour employment at Cage and Fish that Billy was still in love with her? Yes.
Did you make room for the possibility, Ms.
Thomas, that your husband working side by sidewith the true love of his life might be detrimental to the well-being of your marriage? Of course, I did.
Well, yet you never once asked him to quit? You never once said to him,"Work someplace else," did you? Only [because.]
---- -Yes or no!-No.
And you're here today begging the courtto take seriously the institution of marriage? How much regard did you show for your own? You watch as your husband workside by side with the woman he might still be in love with,you watch without protest ---- And I was stupid not to ---- Well, your complaint says nothing about youbeing stupid, Georgia.
Your complaint says nothing about youkissing the father of Exhibit A.
I didn't know he was her father.
No, you thought you were kissing a stranger,didn't you, Georgia? -What was it? Some kind of sexual dare?-No! It was more about getting back at Billy! -Hmm.
It's about your anger?-Yes.
Yeah.
That's what this is all about,isn't it -- your anger? I'm angry.
I don't deny ---- Did you go to a marriage counselorafter you were caught kissing Exhibit A's father? No.
Did you seek out therapy after youdiscovered Billy kissing Robin Jones? No.
Did you even bother to havea single discussion with your husband? It wouldn't [matter.]
---- Yes-or-no question, Georgia.
After you saw your husband kissing Robin Jones, on the heels of your kissing the father of Exhibit A -- did you have a single conversation;or did you just pull your wedding ring off, plop it on the table and say,"I quit"? Which was it, Georgia? The latter.
And subsequent to that,did Billy make attemps to reconcile? He made one feeble attempt.
-Well, did you make any attempts to work it out?-No.
And here you are today,exalting the institution of marriage, suing a workplace forundermining your relationship with your husband when you have done nothing to help it! You watch without protestas he works side by side with Exhibit A.
You kissed Exhibit A's father.
You don't bother to get any counselingto save the relationship.
And you come into this court blaming us, blaming a law firm,asking us to take responsibility ---- All right, John.
That's enough! You're not being sued here, Billy.
I am.
I said that's enough! Well, I'd like the court to note:I had a big finish planned.
Don't like being made an exhibit! My grand finish, you just cut me right off! -You'd done enough damage.
-Oh, damage? She's the [You.]
didn't get to me! I'm the onewho's been most slandered! All right! You alienated the judge! Did you see the way the bailiff was looking at me? I'm the little blonde thing getting diddledby the senior partner! Thanks for coming to my defense, John! You didn't cross at all on that! That's It's my knee-pit! My chastity! Talking about her anger! my own side.
What happened?John made me an exhibit my own side.
Exhibit A, that's what I am! Were you displeased with my performance? No.
John, you did great.
Chewed her right up.
You were a vicious little piranha in there.
Well done.
What's the matter? Remember when I came to youwith the idea of starting a firm? I listed four reasons.
Do you remember? First?Money.
Second?Money.
Third?Fun.
Fourth?Money.
What happened to Number Three?We have fun, Richard.
I have fun.
One member of this firm is suing us, John.
It's about a marriage.
It's about us.
Her tiny little lawyer attacked youin that witness chair, and me! It comes from hurt.
You can't ---- And you attacked her.
You just bullied her like, like their ---- I I am, I am not a b-er-b-er-b-er-b-er-b-er bully.
I don't like that word! When I was little, I was picked on by b-er-b-er those people.
I don't like that word, and I'm,I'm not that kind of person! -Well you went to town on her, that's all -Well, may I remind you this is about a war? Exactly! It's a war.
Win or lose, we lose, John.
God, when I was little,I just hated the grown-ups.
I would vow, I grew old, I,I didn't want to become an adult.
I think you've succeeded there, Richard.
You know what I mean.
I harbored this fantasy! That we'd all get to be kids at this place, we'd work together and play together -- fun! -Look how it's turning out.
It's war.
-Well What happened? Wh-what are you talking about -- Departments? Department.
Litigation, Corporate, Real Estate.
No, we don't have that kind of structure here.
Then, we should.
And I want youto be Administrative Partner ---- I don't want to be Administrative ---- We need to be more systematized.
This informality is stupid.
The a-a-associates don't know their place,they overstep ---- Where is this coming from? We should run this place like a law firm for a change, instead of a warm-up act for happy hour! Oh, please! We need to be more disciplined and less social.
Nobody here is really friends, anyway.
It's all ---- Balls ---- John! Let's run this place like a damn law firm, okay? That way, nobody gets hurt,and we don't bust up any lousy marriages! Nothing? I called her, she wouldn't even pick up.
I suppose after John's ambush ---- Oh, bite me! All right.
Now, what should I have done, Billy? All right! What happens now? Final statements, and the judge rules.
Ally, would you mind if I came down? It all sounds so vicious,and it's just not fair for me to miss out.
Sure, Elaine.
Come on down with us.
Certainly, in sexual harassment laws, the legislature has intended for companies to take responsibility for thingsthat happen in the workplace -- especially when the behavior works a hardshipon an employee.
It's the very same principle we're applying today.
The environment at Cage and Fish has become vulgar.
The vulgarity is fostered by the senior partners.
Richard Fish, as he testified,believes women are sex objects.
Did it all have an influence? Billy Thomas now walks aroundwith models flanking him, espousing his newfound philosophythat wives belong in the home, ready to rub the husbands' feetand poised to serve them sexually.
Did it negatively impact my client's marriage?Look at them.
None of these people at Cage and Fishare in relationships -- unless we count the onebetween Mr.
Cage and Ms.
Porter, which evidently involvessome form of corporal punishment.
The place has the integrity of a strip club.
It is our contention that no employee'smarital union could survive working there.
No union ever has.
And sure, Mr.
and Mrs.
Thomas were free to quit,as Mr.
Cage kept drumming.
But the courts have rejected freedom to quitas a defense in sexual harassment cases.
The court should also do so here.
Are we saying that Georgia Thomas bearsno responsibility? Of course, not.
But is it unreasonable to saythat Cage and Fish bear a tiny bit of it? Of course, not.
Mr.
Cage? You know, when I was six or seven years old, uh, I remember watching my fathergetting dressed for a funeral.
A man in his office had died.
And I asked him, well, "Was he a nice man?" And my father said he really didn't have any idea.
Said he'd really never gotten to know him.
Well, they'd worked at the same firmfor seventeen years and hadn't really gotten to know one another.
How sad is that? We all certainly know each other.
I know about his neck wattle fetish.
I know the reasons he bleached his head.
This one here can get you a blimp in a pinch.
This one invents face brasand will lick the cappuccino foam off my nose if I'm not careful.
This one I love.
And this one, I love too.
Imagine that, in my own firm,Richard Fish and Exhibit A are my best friends in life,Nelle Porter's my lover.
Imagine, I get to go to work each daywith people I care so deeply about.
I'm tickled.
Is there a point? Yeah.
The point is that Richard Fish shouldn't apologizefor this place that he's built.
The place where my father was employed, where people work side by sidefor seventeen years without really getting to know each other -- that's the place where there's,where there's something wrong.
Here where people are in each other's lives.
Richard Fish can be proud of that,I'm proud of that.
And yes, there's some,some finger sucking on occasion, and a knee-pit, uh, it seems everybody has kissed everybody elseat one time or another.
But we're kids.
The partners are in their thirties, the associates in their twenties.
Even if we're not still kids,I guess we all like to pretend we are.
And today, you know, suddenly i-i-it's become very difficult to cling to that illusionbecause a very grownup thing is going on.
A marriage is falling apart.
Two people that we adore --their marriage is ending.
And it hurts.
Georgia is angry at Billy, and she's angry at the firm, maybe because she feels betrayed by it.
You know, ugly things aren't supposed to happenat Cage and Fish.
All of our bumps and bruises canusually be covered with, with a "bygones," but this one can't be.
This one, their hurt runs deeper.
Now, you had your lawyer grill me on the stand.
I then turned on you, becoming the beu-eh-the-beu-eh-the- mean person.
All the while, Georgia, we continued to adore you.
I mean, you're one of us.
Suing us.
Now, if your goal here was to make us feelsome of the pain that you feel, you've already won.
But, as for us breaking up her marriage,I think we all know better.
Did he say how long he'd be out? He wanted us to stay close.
So, he must be deciding quickly.
I know this will sound stupid, but when I left, not even a cake.
Two years, I worked with you, by you,going to the bar at night and when I left, you just padlocked my officeso I couldn't take files.
All that time, I was just his wife.
No, tha-that isn't true, Georgia.
I-is that what this is about? None of you even called to say hi.
Come on.
Judge is back.
All right.
The court recognizes the expanding exposure and liability stemming from workplace environments.
Be it civil rights, health or sexual harassments, we're only too happy to get in there and legislatewhen we don't like what's going on.
But assessing blame when it comes to marriage,that is still a path we're loath to go down.
I don't think this firm made it any easierfor Mr.
and Mrs.
Thomasto stay married.
But this is a no-fault state, and in the end well, that's the end.
The petitioner's lawsuit is dismissed without prejudice.
But if I'm in the neighborhoodand I have the urge to pee, you can be sure I'll visit your Unisex.
Adjourned.
Well, that's a relief.
Good job, Ally, John.
Good job.
Hey, hey.
You really were suing the firm.
Look, Georgia, y-you left so suddenly that And don't you think that we feel the voidnow that you're gone? No, I don't.
Well, then we need to work on that.
We can start with We're all going to dinner.
Come with us.
-Please.
-That's okay.
Georgia, you don't have to file a lawsuitto spend time with us.
Come to dinner.
Uh Okay.
Uh, uh, listen, uh, J-uh, John.
Your words, your, your closing.
I js-just want you to know I thought it ran a little long.
Yeah.
We do have something here don't we? I mean, the people, th-th-the friends.
We have built something special.
Right? Indeed.