American Housewife (2016) s03e11 Episode Script

1 [Alarm blares.]
Everybody up! [Whines.]
- Get up, Oliver.
- Go away.
I'm up! I'm up! I said I'm up! Are you crazy? Yes.
Taylor, get up.
[Whistles.]
Ohh! Ugh, gross! Are you out of your mind?! Yes.
- Hi, Mom! - Aaaah! Good God, Anna-Kat.
Every day I know it's coming, and every day it scares me.
[Pounding on door.]
Hurry up! - I just got in here! - You have got two minutes, or I'm sending the kids in here to brush their teeth whether you're done or not.
Doctor Kelman said it's not good to push! Where is everyone? We're gonna be late! Go go go! You know, if we just woke up 30 minutes earlier, we wouldn't be so rushed, and you wouldn't have to - bark orders at everyone.
- The kids need their sleep.
Not at the expense of our sanity.
Yes, at the expense of our sanity.
Besides, the Otto family works best under pressure.
Agree to disagree.
You see, in a democracy Ah, no time for loser talk.
Go go go! Guess what, Mrs.
Otto you are now looking at the two leads of the Westport Unified's production of "Little Shop of Horrors.
" Oh, my God, honey, that is awesome! But weren't you just the understudy for Audrey? I was, but then Julie Linder had a mental breakdown - from all the pressure - Mm-hmm.
so she spray-painted dirty words on the drama teacher's car! Eee! With the spotlight comes no shortage of responsibility.
[Chuckles.]
Some people just can't hack it.
Are you popular at school? I can't tell.
[Crinkling.]
And now we witness the weirdo in her natural habitat.
A radio show is having a name-that-sound contest.
I'm trying to figure out what it is.
The 20th caller gets to guess.
I've been calling and calling and can't get through.
I could really use an extra pair of hands.
- What do you win? - 500 bucks.
Play the noise.
[Crinkly-crackly noise.]
- I'm in.
- 50/50.
Don't try any of that 70/30 crap with me.
I know how to count.
I'm not Taylor.
Shu-wa.
Mm, a little higher.
[High-pitched voice.]
Shu-wa.
Now add a lisp.
- [Lisping.]
Shu-wa.
- Perfect! - Tax season has begun! - Oh, no.
[Normal voice.]
Why is Dad always so excited about doing taxes? Aren't people supposed to hate it? Your father was never an athlete, so this is his thing.
In high school, they're called mathletes.
You don't know any because they don't have any friends.
This year, I wrote a book about John Stuart Mill, so my subscription to "Philosopher's Illustrated" goes down as a deductio-o-o-o-n! How's my little joint filer? - Huh? - This year, you have a job, - so you get to join in on the fun.
- Enjoy.
Actually, since I have been working this year, we have a little extra money lying around Why don't we hire an accountant to do our taxes? Never! Now, I'm gonna need all your work receipts, your entire work calendar, your mileage reports Mileage reports? Greg, I don't have any of those.
Can't you just ballpark it? [Laughing.]
Ballpark it.
Honey! You're a riot! [Laughing.]
Ballpark it.
The way Greg does our taxes is one of those things about him that just drives me crazy.
Ohh, I get it.
- Richard has those things I cannot stand.
- Mm.
Like the way he eats, the way he walks, oh! And the way he breathes! I am so mean to him.
That's something I don't miss about being married having to tolerate the things about your spouse that annoy the crap out of you.
Every time I cheated on Celeste, she just wanted to talk about it and talk about it - and talk about it.
- I'm telling you.
His process is already the worst, but this year he's roping me into it.
Well, you've been letting it go on for 18 years, so you either accept the situation or correct it.
Hey, you gave me that same advice when I asked you what to do about my weird boob.
Well, it works for a lot of different situations.
Taylor.
Trip, I thought I told you I didn't want to talk to you.
Taylor, listen.
Julie Linder is my friend, and she told me that she didn't vandalize Mrs.
Gavin's car.
And your point is? If Julie didn't do it, then someone else did.
Someone with a motive? To get her out of the musical? So you could get the lead? Are you figuring this out on your own, or do you need my help? - Taylor, I think it was Pierce.
- Here we go again.
All you do is accuse Pierce of being manipulative and awful, but he's been nothing but supportive of me.
Taylor, you gotta trust me.
This guy is not who you think he is.
You know who I don't think is the guy I think - I thought he was? - I'm not gonna lie to you.
I do very poorly on word problems.
- It's in my chart.
- You, Trip.
You are not who I thought you were.
You think I'm not who you thought I was? I think you think I thought you thought Nope, I lost it.
- [Beeping, speed-dialing.]
- Okay, so if either of us get through and we're caller 20, we're guessing bacon frying, right? I still think it's someone unfolding a tin foil ball.
Tin foil ball? No.
Anna-Kat, we're just gonna do what I say.
Hey, I don't have to listen to you.
I'm outta the car seat, buddy.
- I've been facing forward for years.
- [Ringing.]
[Click.]
DJ: Hello, you're caller 20 and you're on the air! Oh, my God, you got through.
Give me the phone.
I'm not giving you the phone.
Anna-Kat, I'm not fooling around.
- What's your name? - Anna-Kat.
Okay, Anna-Kat, what's that noise? [Crinkly-crackly noise.]
Someone unfolding a tin foil ball.
Sorry, that's not it! - [Buzzer.]
- MAN: You're a loser.
That's it.
I'm doing it on my own.
- I'm dropping you.
- Hey, I brought you into this, and you're turning on me? Fine.
You know what this sound is? [Imitates sobbing.]
That's you after I win that 500 bucks and hire someone to punch you in the mouth.
[Alarm blares.]
Everybody up! All right, people, let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Greg! I just remembered that I have an early meeting, so I need you to take the kids to school today.
You know, this kind of new information would be much easier to process if we weren't so rushed in the morning.
Duly noted, duly ignored.
I still need your W-2s.
Daddy's gonna file early this year.
[High-pitched voice.]
Sping-bada-doo! [Birds chirping.]
[Clicking.]
Mrs.
Otto? As instructed, I came to the back door.
Come in before my husband sees us together.
Lady, I don't know what you're expecting here, but I make love to one woman Ms.
Shirley Glickman of Avon, Connecticut.
Mother to my four children Abe, Noah Bernie, you are just here to do our taxes.
I'm sorry I lost my temper.
Oh.
- Good news, honey.
- Mm-hmm.
This receipt from dinner? I remember we discussed a party you were planning, so this comes off your taxes.
It's up, annnnnnd it's good for four points! There is literally no sport where you can score four points.
- Hmm.
- I have some good news, too.
Oh.
What's this? Our finished taxes.
How could our taxes be finished? I still have more than three weeks to go.
I know.
That's why I had an accountant come by today and do everything.
- Now they're all done.
- Hold on.
You let another man into my QuickBooks? The way that you do taxes makes me want to walk into a gas-station bathroom and lick everything inside until my immune system falls apart.
I had no idea how much it bothered you.
It's been a huge problem in our marriage, so I fixed it.
Let me get this straight.
You didn't like the way I did something, so you just took the liberty of changing it? Yep.
Mm-hmm.
So 18 years into this marriage, it's now okay to fix problems with one another.
Seems that way.
Good to know.
- [Alarm blares.]
- [Gasps.]
Why is the alarm going off at 6:30? I was thinking about what you said, and I've always hated the way that you rush us out of the house in the morning, so I decided - Mm-hmm.
- to set the alarm 30 minutes earlier.
- Oh, you did, did you? - Yep.
Now everyone can get ready at a slower pace without all your yelling.
Just fixing a huge marital problem.
Huh.
So I guess it's on.
Isn't this nice? I'm so tired.
See, Greg? You got them up too early, and now they're tired.
Although it is nice not frenching my dog in the morning.
You see? It's nice not to be rushed.
Also on the list of things that are nice not having to brush your teeth while Dad's on the can.
Actually, I'm gonna miss that part.
Every once in a while we stumbled into a nice chat.
Opening night tonight.
You ready? As long as I'm up there with you, I'll be fine.
[Giggles.]
[Exhales sharply.]
Taylor's looking pretty cute today.
ERIC: I gotta hand it to you.
Right? The plan's totally working.
Yeah, she never even wondered how she went from Plant Bud #3 to the lead.
[Rustling.]
Dude, mastermind.
It took some work getting rid of that dumb boyfriend of hers.
[Hushed gasp.]
Yeah, but spray-painting Mrs.
Gavin's car and then hiding the cans in Julie's locker to get Taylor the lead genius.
And after tonight, she'll owe me everything.
And then it's just a matter of time - before I get a piece of that.
- Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
[Beeping, speed-dialing.]
I'm gonna get through and guess "bacon frying," and then I'm gonna buy a high-yield municipal bond, and you're just gonna have to watch it mature.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm gonna get through, and I'm go DJ: Hello, you're caller 20, and you're on the air! WOMAN: Phil, I got through! Damn it! What's that noise? [Crinkly-crackly noise.]
Is it bacon frying? Told you.
That is not it! - [Buzzer.]
- [Groans.]
- MAN: You're a loser.
- Loser! Here's what's gonna happen now.
I'm gonna figure out that noise before you do, and I'm gonna put all the money into orange juice futures.
That's so irresponsible! They're projecting a rough winter! I know.
[Rattling.]
Trip.
Wait.
What do you want, Taylor? You were right about Pierce.
He broke us up, and then he framed Julie so I'd get the lead.
Okay.
I feel so bad for her.
I'm gonna give her back the part.
It's too late.
She's already gone.
What? Is she dead? No.
She's in the Bahamas.
She was so bummed by what happened that her parents took her on vacation.
Oh.
This whole time, you knew Pierce was up to no good, and I didn't believe you.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
[Sighs.]
How do I make this up to you? You can't.
After what we had together, you chose to trust him and not me.
You're not who I thought you were.
Yeah, that was right.
[Loud crinkling.]
Is that really necessary? I don't have the time to explain to you how necessary this is.
Oh! I've been thinking.
Since we decided to fix the way others do things, I want to point some stuff out to you.
Gotta be honest not looking forward to this.
Mm.
Look, the last tissue.
Well, you know the rule you take the last one, you replace the box.
I know the rule.
I made the rule.
I can also tell when a clean tissue has been taken out of the box and then re-tucked just so someone doesn't have to go to the basement and get a new one.
You do it all the time, and it drives me crazy.
Copy that.
Now it's my turn.
Your turn to apologize? Uh, no.
You always leave half-finished glasses of water all around the house.
Why can't you just pick one glass and drink it to completion? That's the best you've got? You never screw the cap on anything properly.
There's literally no carbonation in a world with you in it.
Mind if we get back to my list? I've got a bunch, so I'm just gonna rattle them off.
You want to go lightning round? I can go lightning round.
You scream out "this is my jam" to no less than 300 songs.
The way that you shake hands with babies - and say, "How do you do, sir?" - The way you use the door compartment in the car as a trash can.
The way that you do big romantic gestures.
You're the only woman alive who doesn't like big romantic gestures! Because I have to watch every word that I say.
One time I mention red Skittles are my favorite, and I come home to a bathtub filled with them! It feels good to get this stuff out! Yeah, who knew there was so much that we find annoying about each other? Well, I'm glad we're discovering it 18 years into our marriage! [Clattering.]
- What was that sound? - I knocked over the macaroni.
[Bag crinkles.]
[Macaroni clattering.]
That's not it.
[Both exhale sharply.]
What are you doing here? Tonight's the big night.
Shouldn't you be rehearsing for the musical? I just found out that Pierce is a lying jerk, and now I'm supposed to kiss him on stage.
I can't even look at him.
I knew he was bad news.
I tried to apologize to Trip, but he won't even talk to me.
I totally blew it.
You want Trip back? Yes, but he made it very clear there's no way.
I've got an idea, but it falls in the "grand romantic gesture" category, and your mom wouldn't like that.
But Dad, just tell me what it is.
I don't even know if we have time to pull it off.
Well, I'm good at rallying people but your dad hates that about me.
Do you two think you can stop acting so weird and just help me? I guess we should at least hear what your father has in mind.
Then, if you're on board, maybe your mother will help rally the family to make it happen.
Oliver, Anna-Kat! Get in here! [Stool squeaks.]
Okay, all fights are temporarily on hold until tomorrow morning.
We have an all-hands situation and need to get to work.
Greg, you're up.
So, is everyone clear on what you need to do? Do we have enough time? Honey, you're on.
Everybody up! We have one hour before curtain.
Taylor, go upstairs and get ready! Anna-Kat, go call Trip.
And Oliver I wasn't listening to what your father told you to do, but do it now! Let's go, people! Just think, if you had to do our taxes you wouldn't have had time to do this.
I thought all fights were on hold.
Oh, I didn't tell you? I took them off.
- Well, in that case - They're on hold again.
[Gasps.]
You made it! You said it was a matter of life and death.
Meh, it can wait.
In the meantime, why don't you sit next to me for the show? Anna-Kat, I don't want to watch my ex-girlfriend kiss a guy I hate on stage.
I have a bag of gummy worms.
All right.
Hey, uh, are you in charge of lighting? - Yeah.
- Are you friends with Pierce? - Hate him.
- My man.
PIERCE: Audrey, all that is behind you now.
You've got nothing to be ashamed of.
You're a very nice person.
I always knew you were.
Underneath all the bruises and the handcuffs, you know what I saw? A girl I respected.
I still do.
Lift up your head, wash off your mascara Here, take my Kleenex, wipe that lipstick away Show me your face, clean as the mornin' I know things were bad, but now they're okay Suddenly, Seymour Is standing beside you You don't need no makeup Don't have to pretend Suddenly, Seymour Is here to provide you With sweet understandin' Seymour's your friend You never treated me kindly Daddy couldn't stand you, Mama concurred Taylor, that's not the lyric.
I met you and followed you blindly Now I see that you're a big tuuuuurd What are you doing? Suddenly, Trip Please forgive me You're honest and caring You were my number one fan Suddenly, Trip Please don't forget me With sweet understanding Please be my man [Indistinct whispering.]
[Cheers and applause.]
I'm so lucky that I sat here! [Laughter.]
[Cheers and applause continue.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
This is such a coincidence.
Anna-Kat called me here for a life-and-death situation and then Taylor winds up singing to me.
I've missed you.
- Babe, you were amazing.
- Thank you.
Yeah, it was probably the first audience ever to cheer when Seymour got eaten by the plant.
[Both laugh.]
You know this was only possible because we embraced the things that we don't like about each other.
Yeah, from now on, let's not try to change each other.
Let's just complain to our friends behind each other's backs.
You good with that? - Shu-wa! - [Chuckles.]
Come on.
[Crinkling.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
[Crinkling continues.]
The sound! [Crinkling.]
Oliver! [Crinkling continues.]
That's the sound.
Oh, my God, that's it.
- Did you hear that? - Oh, my God, that's the sound.
- That's the sound.
- That's it.
- That's the noise.
- Oh, my God, that's the sound.
Oh, my God.
We got to get through on the phone tomorrow before any of these people.
"We"? You're doing it with me? Because when this family works together, there's nothing we can't do? No, because Mom said she'd shoot me in the crotch with her wake-up gun if I didn't.