Another Period (2015) s03e11 Episode Script
President Bellacourt
1 Previously, on "Another Period" [WAILING.]
[SCREAMING.]
Poor Lillian's memory was erased.
You don't remember who you are, and you don't remember where you are.
That's about right.
We should get you home, shouldn't we? I live here? And you make love to me with no protection because you're my wife.
My prince charming left a clue! Come back, mystery lady! Frederick is your [BLEEP.]
beloved! It's his [BLEEP.]
name in the [BLEEP.]
ring! This is not my baby.
This is the wrong baby! This is not this is the wrong baby! I'm running for president? [LAUGHING.]
Oh, fantastic! MEN: Frederick for president! If we want to be president in '08, we've gotta go straight to the people.
MEN: Frederick for president! Oh, Frederick! Remember, all you have to do is wave.
No words.
Just put your hand up and wave.
Do you understand? - No words.
- What are you going to say? - [MUMBLES WORDLESSLY.]
- [MUMBLES APPROVINGLY.]
Well, if I'm allowed to say anything, then - Shh! - Manure Association of America is proud to present Vice President Frederick Bellacourt! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[STATELY MUSIC.]
[CROWD CHEERING LOUDLY.]
[BAND PLAYING "YANKEE DOODLE".]
[FLAMES RUSHING.]
[FIRE CRACKLING.]
Oh, my God.
[GASPS, SHOUTS.]
[BLOWING FRANTICALLY.]
[YELPING.]
[CROWD MURMURING.]
[QUIETLY.]
What are you doing? Freddy no! No, no! Oh, holy Moses, no.
No.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Frederick, put down the horse shit.
[CROWD GASPS.]
Put it back, put it back! [INTENSE MUSIC.]
[FREDERICK PANTING.]
[STATELY MUSIC.]
See? I didn't say a word.
[BREATHING SHARPLY.]
I want the money I want the fame I want the whole world to know my name This is mine I gotta get it I got to get it Got-got to get it Another period [SIGHS DREAMILY.]
I can't wait to see the look on Frederick's face when I show him the ring he left inside me at the ball.
What is this I'm hearing about you desecrating our flag? Am I gonna have to cut my hunting trip short?! I'm one grizzly cub shy of killing an entire family! - Oh, just leave the one.
- You are about to destroy everything I've worked so hard for! I am terrified at what you're capable of.
Oh, well, there's no reason to be scared.
It's not dark out yet.
Uh, bye, Mr.
Rosenfeld! - Frederick? - Yes.
- I have something to tell you.
- Me too.
You know the symbol of America? Well, I set it on fire and covered it in a steaming pile of horse shit, and now everybody's talking about me.
Frederick, what I have to say is important.
Do you remember how we met our soul mates at the masquerade ball? Yes, and being jilted by my mystery soul mate is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
What do you mean? Well, now that I'm done with love and focused on my career, there's a pretty picture of me in every newspaper, with a caption that says something about a national joke.
[MEEKLY.]
Oh.
So, Beatrice, what was it you wanted to tell me? I, um That's that's all I had to say.
- Hmm.
- "I, um.
" Oh, dear God.
Well, thank you - for letting me know.
- You're welcome.
[SOMBER PIANO MUSIC.]
It's been two weeks, and no matter how many loads of laundry I do or loads of Kerrtrussel I take, I just can't seem to remember who I am.
[GRUNTING.]
[IRISH WOODWIND MUSIC.]
[YELPS, SHOUTS.]
God Ah, forgot me gun again! I'll tell you what, I'd forget me belt too.
Great green goblins, what is this mess?! [SOBBING.]
I don't know what I'm doing.
None of this feels right! I'm not good at cooking and cleaning and [SOBS.]
Rubbing peat oil on your aching feet.
- [CRYING.]
- Oh, Garbagella.
I love the way you rub my feet.
I'm sorry about all the blisters.
Policeman shoes aren't good for much but kicking hobos and stomping tramps.
I wish I could remember who I was.
I'll help you find who you are.
[PLEASANT TUNE.]
You will? Isn't it great, now we're together? And I can correct you when you're wrong And now you can see that life is better - Ooh, ah! - [SCREAMS.]
When you're in your place Where you belong Ah-ooh Things are gonna be so improved When you do the things you do [BOTH SCREAMING, LAUGHING.]
[VOCALIZING.]
Help! [VOCALIZING.]
Wah-wah-ooh It's simply destiny Someone like you Is meant for me [TOILET FLUSHING.]
[SPRIGHTLY CLASSICAL MUSIC.]
Freddy! What are these telegrams you keep sending out - at all hours? - Those are my musings.
"Make America great for the first time.
" - Mm-hmm.
- "My plan for the economy is that I am rich.
" "I declare Civil War II"? What do these even mean? Well, I guess there already was one, so it has to be a sequel.
That never is good, but what can you do? Half the country is furious, but the other half loves you! I like the sound of that half.
I thought you'd have to wait until 1908 to run, but I think you could beat Roosevelt now.
Freddy! Do you want to be president? - Do I have to? - Well do you want more applause and portraits painted? - Yes! - Then I'll make the announcement tomorrow morning.
- [GASPS.]
- We have so much hard work ahead of us! Work? There's more work? Nothing but work, work, work ahead of us until the minute you take office! I can't possibly work any harder than I already am.
I've been standing here for an hour, at least.
At least five minutes.
Five, ten minutes.
- Blanche! You're back.
- [GASPS.]
Here, take this shit-maker from me.
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
- [SOBBING.]
- I'd say he missed you, but I doubt he knows who you are.
Back to work, back to work! Stop feeling.
[BREATHLESSLY.]
Hi.
Murray.
He's alive.
My baby is alive! For the first time in my life, I can honestly say I'm glad I didn't die in my sleep last night! [LAUGHS EXCITEDLY.]
.
Now that Lillian's gone, Mother fired me, and Frederick wants to be alone, there is no one in the world who loves me.
So, I'm going to get advice from the least-loved person I know.
Hostess? Hon-ton? Becky? - Hortense.
- Yes.
Can I ask you some advice? No, I do not know the best way to kill myself, even though I must think about it day and night.
No, it's something else this time.
Oh, okay.
So, people don't like you, right? So, it is not something else, but, yes.
I am a smart, independent woman, so I am generally disliked.
What of it? Well, I lost the love of my life, and the man who I thought was the future love of my life, because the man who I thought was the future love of my life was the same man as the love of my life.
But you already know all that.
Yes, and how can I help you? Now that no one loves me what am I supposed to do? [GENTLE PIANO MUSIC.]
Oh.
Being unloved can be quite liberating, actually.
With nobody to care about but yourself, you can spend your time any way you want.
I never thought about it before.
I've always just done what Lillian, or Frederick, or the horse that told me to murder his family wanted.
Well now is your chance to do what you want.
- Oh! - Travel, get a hobby.
Read a book.
Well, and learn the alphabet first.
Oh, so many options.
Would you want to do something together? [BOTH GIGGLE.]
Just us - lonely gals? - [CHUCKLES.]
Remember how I said that people don't like you? Oh, yes.
Well, I'm one of those people.
But thank you.
When Frederick's in charge, we're finally going to get rid of all those poor people.
Garfield, we are those poor people.
No, if he's in charge, we're all going to die.
We're all going to die! Oh, it won't be that bad.
Yes, our wages will be cut, our rights will be systematically dismantled, and the doctor will be fired, causing all of us to die, but that's as it should be.
I agree.
To hell with it.
Let it all burn to the ground.
No! That man is dangerous.
He says he wants a Civil War II.
Why are you so scared of war? It's a man's most natural state, you [BLEEP.]
idiot.
You can't think of a reason I wouldn't want another civil war? [SHRIEKING.]
We're all gonna die! Oh, stop your hysterics, woman.
Frederick doesn't mean the things he says.
- That's why I like him.
- Oh, I think he means exactly what he says, and that's why I like him.
Well, either way, that idiot is never actually going to be in charge.
He thinks rain is a hoax created by the umbrella industry.
Oh, he's going to build a roof over America, and then we'll never get wet again! Well, it doesn't matter anyway, because we're already dead, and none of you can see it! All right, all right! This is why servants should never discuss politics, religion, or contemporary American painting.
Whistler is overrated.
Whistler is a master of color and light, and you know it! Whistler? Whistler?! Whistler sucks.
John Singer Sargent now that is a real painter! Sargent's landscapes are middling at best, you repulsive troll.
You wanna tell me that Whistler's "Mother" is a good piece? Come on! Well, it is! It's an old lady sitting around, doing nothing! - No, no! - When I see subjects, I want them to be doing something, or at least be posing! I'm trying to get that money [HOPEFUL PIANO MUSIC.]
[MOUTHING WORD.]
Now that I'm done with Frederick, I'm off to the place where rich people go when they're completely out of options.
Money don't sleep Got a penny by the minute [MEN LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY.]
Okay! [LAUGHS.]
- O'Malley, here's for you.
- Ah, thank you.
O'Shaugnessy.
- Thank you, dearie.
- Ain't cheating this time.
- [LAUGHING.]
Okay.
- [LAUGHS.]
Muah! - [GIGGLES.]
- Oh, thank you, sweetie.
O'Connor, you keep looking at me like that, I'm gonna have to make you my husband, too.
[LAUGHING LOUDLY.]
Who am I kidding? You can have a pat.
[LAUGHING.]
Ah, there you go, then! - [LAUGHING.]
- Okay! - [LAUGHING HEARTILY.]
- Okay.
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY.]
What kind of sick game are you playing here, - Kerrtrussel? - I have no idea - what you're talking about.
- What are you doing with Lillian Bellacourt? Shh! Hush up.
You know how sad I've been since my Petunia died.
Petunia was your cat.
And she made the house into a home! Look, I've got no problem with you tricking a woman with amnesia into believing she's your wife.
I mean, we've all done it.
The problem that I have is that it's her.
She's a damn heiress, man.
And when her family finds out about this, you'll be in the clink.
And it'll be worth it! She's the greatest woman I've ever known or abducted.
- Food, food! - [MEN LAUGH RAUCOUSLY.]
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
- Of course, some food.
- Pretzels for you, honey.
- My favorite German dish! - [GIGGLES.]
I fold.
.
[HARPSICHORD AND HIP-HOP MASH-UP.]
Would you like me to pack this? You have 12 other birdcages.
Blanche, I want to make a good impression.
Beatrice, can I ask your advice? Celery is making me be president, but it sounds really hard.
[SHRIEKING.]
No! For the love of America, no! Nothing.
I thought you were dead.
No, I'm still holding on.
Oh! Huh.
Well, if I'm president, I won't be able to focus on what really matters, like what's for dessert, or or teaching myself how to fly.
This is as far as I've gotten.
Hmm.
You should focus on that.
- You're so close.
- Thank you.
Blanche, don't forget to pack my Bible.
- I want to look smart.
- Yes.
- Are you going somewhere? - I'm going to college.
[SOFT PIANO MUSIC.]
Ew.
Gross.
When? I don't know.
Tomorrow? I'm not sure how college works.
Well, if you're gone, then I won't have anyone to play with.
So, I might as well be president.
Will you at least stay for the speech where I tell everyone I'm going to ruin the world? Or run the world? What's the.
.
Sounds boring, but all right.
Thank you.
- You found your ring.
- Oh, yes.
Turns out I left it on my desk, and not in the soggy velvet of the mystery woman of my dreams.
Well, all right.
I guess I'm off to be president.
Unless anybody wants to stop me.
[STIRRING STRING MUSIC.]
[MUMBLING IN PANIC.]
[YELPING QUIETLY.]
- Did you say something? - Nothing.
- You didn't say anything? - No.
Okay.
Uh - Well it's a lot of power.
- [YELPS.]
A lot of responsibility.
- [MUMBLING.]
- That I don't have to do if anyone says literally anything.
Miss Beatrice, perhaps you should stop him.
No, I think it's better this way.
- Good-bye.
- Bye.
[DOOR CLICKS SHUT.]
[GENTLE PIANO MELODY.]
[SERENE FIDDLE MELODY.]
[DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN.]
Oh! Sadly, it's back to work - for me, dearie.
- No, you're working? I was gonna make wood biscuits for lunch.
Oh, that sounds too delicious, but I had to pick up an extra shift big event for the vice president.
Wait, that sounds familiar.
No, it doesn't! [PLEASANTLY.]
Politics is boring and for men.
Don't worry your pretty little mind about that, my little pie.
Kisses forever.
- Kisses forever.
- [GIGGLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[DOOR CLICK SHUT.]
Kertrussel! Kertrussel! You forgot your gun! Kertrussel! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC.]
Dear America, I come to you today not just as a man, but as a great man.
And not just as a great man, but as a president man.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
This ring [DRAMATIC STRING MUSIC.]
Today My ring! Where did it go? [STAMMERS.]
Fre Fre [SIGHS HAPPILY.]
Hey! I used to have a ring just like that! [LAUGHS.]
[GASPS.]
[WHISPERING.]
It was you.
[WHISPERING.]
You are my beloved.
Freddy! Go on with the announcement.
CROWD: Frederick, Frederick! [APPLAUSE AND CHANTING.]
Thank you, thank you, but I don't need your love.
In fact, I'm a little disgusted by it.
There's only one person who will always love me no matter what.
And it's my sister, Beatrice.
[STIRRING MUSIC.]
You people only love me because I burned the flag and destabilized our democracy, but Beatrice doesn't care about that stuff.
Beatrice just cares about me, and how I feel, and if my hair looks pretty.
- It does look pretty.
- Thank you, Beatrice.
I'm not qualified for president.
I don't even know if it's pronounced the "U-S" or the "us.
" And frankly, I don't care.
Because I don't care about this country.
And I don't care about any of you.
All I care about is Beatrice.
- Oh, Frederick.
- Oh, Beatrice.
[BOTH MOANING SOFTLY.]
[SLOW ROCK MUSIC.]
Oh, goodness me.
.
[SLOW ROCK MUSIC.]
Kertrussel! Kertrussel.
You forgot your gun again, sweetheart.
I told you to not leave the house, darling.
Oh, hi, Lillian! Hi, Beatrice.
[QUICKENING STRING MUSIC.]
[SCREAMS.]
Beatrice I literally have no behavioral standards at all.
I can make anyone cry in under 60 seconds.
I get to marry the prince! I'm Lillian! Imagine my face on a milk jar or an oat sack.
I can't be better than you at anything? That's the dynamic that's been working for us so far! Stop trying to make this all about you! You're only pretty in Massachusetts! - [GASPS.]
- I'm a star, and you're not.
[BOTH WAILING DRAMATICALLY.]
[SOBBING.]
I'm supposed to be the famous one.
What's the point of living when Beatrice is famous and I'm not? I'm going to miss our custom-made suicide outfits.
[WAILING.]
[SCREAMING.]
This is all your fault! [CROWD GASPS.]
Okay, Garbagella, why don't you just go ahead and give me the gun.
My name's not Garbagella! It's Lillian Bellacourt! You held me hostage.
[SOBBING.]
I slept on cotton! - Ew.
- I was happy.
I had it all.
- And then you got famous! - [YELPS.]
[SOBBING.]
You ruined my life.
No, no, Lillian.
I'm sorry I stole your dream.
I didn't mean to.
And you know what? Being famous, it's really hard.
And if you want to, you can have it.
Wait, you're not just saying that because I'm holding a loaded weapon, are you? Well, I am, but also, no.
I don't want it anymore, and you need it more than I do.
Lillian, I am giving you my fame.
Oh, Beatrice.
[GIGGLES.]
That's all I ever wanted, really was to be more famous than you.
Well, to be more famous than anyone, really.
[CROWD GASPS.]
Look, it's President Roosevelt! I go hunting for one fortnight, and you try to usurp me! [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[SCREAMING IN SLOW MOTION.]
Drop the gun! [LILLIAN SHOUTS, GUN FIRES.]
[IN SLOW MOTION.]
Beatrice! No! Frederick, no! I'm finally flying! [BOTH GRUNTING.]
[GASPING.]
[BULLET WHOOSHING.]
[CROWD SCREAMING.]
[PRIM HARPSICHORD MUSIC.]
[WOMEN SCREAMING.]
[WOMEN GASPING.]
I think he's dead! Garbagella, you're under arrest.
[LAUGHING GLEEFULLY.]
Anything you say or do can be held I love you so much! Lillian! You shot the president! Smile! It turns out, we both got what we wanted.
I'm finally famous! All right, off to the pokey, now! [CROWD SCREAMING.]
And I get to keep [BLEEP.]
my brother.
[HORTENSE SOBBING.]
I guess Freddy's going to be president after all.
[STATELY MUSIC.]
[SCREAMING.]
Poor Lillian's memory was erased.
You don't remember who you are, and you don't remember where you are.
That's about right.
We should get you home, shouldn't we? I live here? And you make love to me with no protection because you're my wife.
My prince charming left a clue! Come back, mystery lady! Frederick is your [BLEEP.]
beloved! It's his [BLEEP.]
name in the [BLEEP.]
ring! This is not my baby.
This is the wrong baby! This is not this is the wrong baby! I'm running for president? [LAUGHING.]
Oh, fantastic! MEN: Frederick for president! If we want to be president in '08, we've gotta go straight to the people.
MEN: Frederick for president! Oh, Frederick! Remember, all you have to do is wave.
No words.
Just put your hand up and wave.
Do you understand? - No words.
- What are you going to say? - [MUMBLES WORDLESSLY.]
- [MUMBLES APPROVINGLY.]
Well, if I'm allowed to say anything, then - Shh! - Manure Association of America is proud to present Vice President Frederick Bellacourt! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[STATELY MUSIC.]
[CROWD CHEERING LOUDLY.]
[BAND PLAYING "YANKEE DOODLE".]
[FLAMES RUSHING.]
[FIRE CRACKLING.]
Oh, my God.
[GASPS, SHOUTS.]
[BLOWING FRANTICALLY.]
[YELPING.]
[CROWD MURMURING.]
[QUIETLY.]
What are you doing? Freddy no! No, no! Oh, holy Moses, no.
No.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Frederick, put down the horse shit.
[CROWD GASPS.]
Put it back, put it back! [INTENSE MUSIC.]
[FREDERICK PANTING.]
[STATELY MUSIC.]
See? I didn't say a word.
[BREATHING SHARPLY.]
I want the money I want the fame I want the whole world to know my name This is mine I gotta get it I got to get it Got-got to get it Another period [SIGHS DREAMILY.]
I can't wait to see the look on Frederick's face when I show him the ring he left inside me at the ball.
What is this I'm hearing about you desecrating our flag? Am I gonna have to cut my hunting trip short?! I'm one grizzly cub shy of killing an entire family! - Oh, just leave the one.
- You are about to destroy everything I've worked so hard for! I am terrified at what you're capable of.
Oh, well, there's no reason to be scared.
It's not dark out yet.
Uh, bye, Mr.
Rosenfeld! - Frederick? - Yes.
- I have something to tell you.
- Me too.
You know the symbol of America? Well, I set it on fire and covered it in a steaming pile of horse shit, and now everybody's talking about me.
Frederick, what I have to say is important.
Do you remember how we met our soul mates at the masquerade ball? Yes, and being jilted by my mystery soul mate is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
What do you mean? Well, now that I'm done with love and focused on my career, there's a pretty picture of me in every newspaper, with a caption that says something about a national joke.
[MEEKLY.]
Oh.
So, Beatrice, what was it you wanted to tell me? I, um That's that's all I had to say.
- Hmm.
- "I, um.
" Oh, dear God.
Well, thank you - for letting me know.
- You're welcome.
[SOMBER PIANO MUSIC.]
It's been two weeks, and no matter how many loads of laundry I do or loads of Kerrtrussel I take, I just can't seem to remember who I am.
[GRUNTING.]
[IRISH WOODWIND MUSIC.]
[YELPS, SHOUTS.]
God Ah, forgot me gun again! I'll tell you what, I'd forget me belt too.
Great green goblins, what is this mess?! [SOBBING.]
I don't know what I'm doing.
None of this feels right! I'm not good at cooking and cleaning and [SOBS.]
Rubbing peat oil on your aching feet.
- [CRYING.]
- Oh, Garbagella.
I love the way you rub my feet.
I'm sorry about all the blisters.
Policeman shoes aren't good for much but kicking hobos and stomping tramps.
I wish I could remember who I was.
I'll help you find who you are.
[PLEASANT TUNE.]
You will? Isn't it great, now we're together? And I can correct you when you're wrong And now you can see that life is better - Ooh, ah! - [SCREAMS.]
When you're in your place Where you belong Ah-ooh Things are gonna be so improved When you do the things you do [BOTH SCREAMING, LAUGHING.]
[VOCALIZING.]
Help! [VOCALIZING.]
Wah-wah-ooh It's simply destiny Someone like you Is meant for me [TOILET FLUSHING.]
[SPRIGHTLY CLASSICAL MUSIC.]
Freddy! What are these telegrams you keep sending out - at all hours? - Those are my musings.
"Make America great for the first time.
" - Mm-hmm.
- "My plan for the economy is that I am rich.
" "I declare Civil War II"? What do these even mean? Well, I guess there already was one, so it has to be a sequel.
That never is good, but what can you do? Half the country is furious, but the other half loves you! I like the sound of that half.
I thought you'd have to wait until 1908 to run, but I think you could beat Roosevelt now.
Freddy! Do you want to be president? - Do I have to? - Well do you want more applause and portraits painted? - Yes! - Then I'll make the announcement tomorrow morning.
- [GASPS.]
- We have so much hard work ahead of us! Work? There's more work? Nothing but work, work, work ahead of us until the minute you take office! I can't possibly work any harder than I already am.
I've been standing here for an hour, at least.
At least five minutes.
Five, ten minutes.
- Blanche! You're back.
- [GASPS.]
Here, take this shit-maker from me.
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
- [SOBBING.]
- I'd say he missed you, but I doubt he knows who you are.
Back to work, back to work! Stop feeling.
[BREATHLESSLY.]
Hi.
Murray.
He's alive.
My baby is alive! For the first time in my life, I can honestly say I'm glad I didn't die in my sleep last night! [LAUGHS EXCITEDLY.]
.
Now that Lillian's gone, Mother fired me, and Frederick wants to be alone, there is no one in the world who loves me.
So, I'm going to get advice from the least-loved person I know.
Hostess? Hon-ton? Becky? - Hortense.
- Yes.
Can I ask you some advice? No, I do not know the best way to kill myself, even though I must think about it day and night.
No, it's something else this time.
Oh, okay.
So, people don't like you, right? So, it is not something else, but, yes.
I am a smart, independent woman, so I am generally disliked.
What of it? Well, I lost the love of my life, and the man who I thought was the future love of my life, because the man who I thought was the future love of my life was the same man as the love of my life.
But you already know all that.
Yes, and how can I help you? Now that no one loves me what am I supposed to do? [GENTLE PIANO MUSIC.]
Oh.
Being unloved can be quite liberating, actually.
With nobody to care about but yourself, you can spend your time any way you want.
I never thought about it before.
I've always just done what Lillian, or Frederick, or the horse that told me to murder his family wanted.
Well now is your chance to do what you want.
- Oh! - Travel, get a hobby.
Read a book.
Well, and learn the alphabet first.
Oh, so many options.
Would you want to do something together? [BOTH GIGGLE.]
Just us - lonely gals? - [CHUCKLES.]
Remember how I said that people don't like you? Oh, yes.
Well, I'm one of those people.
But thank you.
When Frederick's in charge, we're finally going to get rid of all those poor people.
Garfield, we are those poor people.
No, if he's in charge, we're all going to die.
We're all going to die! Oh, it won't be that bad.
Yes, our wages will be cut, our rights will be systematically dismantled, and the doctor will be fired, causing all of us to die, but that's as it should be.
I agree.
To hell with it.
Let it all burn to the ground.
No! That man is dangerous.
He says he wants a Civil War II.
Why are you so scared of war? It's a man's most natural state, you [BLEEP.]
idiot.
You can't think of a reason I wouldn't want another civil war? [SHRIEKING.]
We're all gonna die! Oh, stop your hysterics, woman.
Frederick doesn't mean the things he says.
- That's why I like him.
- Oh, I think he means exactly what he says, and that's why I like him.
Well, either way, that idiot is never actually going to be in charge.
He thinks rain is a hoax created by the umbrella industry.
Oh, he's going to build a roof over America, and then we'll never get wet again! Well, it doesn't matter anyway, because we're already dead, and none of you can see it! All right, all right! This is why servants should never discuss politics, religion, or contemporary American painting.
Whistler is overrated.
Whistler is a master of color and light, and you know it! Whistler? Whistler?! Whistler sucks.
John Singer Sargent now that is a real painter! Sargent's landscapes are middling at best, you repulsive troll.
You wanna tell me that Whistler's "Mother" is a good piece? Come on! Well, it is! It's an old lady sitting around, doing nothing! - No, no! - When I see subjects, I want them to be doing something, or at least be posing! I'm trying to get that money [HOPEFUL PIANO MUSIC.]
[MOUTHING WORD.]
Now that I'm done with Frederick, I'm off to the place where rich people go when they're completely out of options.
Money don't sleep Got a penny by the minute [MEN LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY.]
Okay! [LAUGHS.]
- O'Malley, here's for you.
- Ah, thank you.
O'Shaugnessy.
- Thank you, dearie.
- Ain't cheating this time.
- [LAUGHING.]
Okay.
- [LAUGHS.]
Muah! - [GIGGLES.]
- Oh, thank you, sweetie.
O'Connor, you keep looking at me like that, I'm gonna have to make you my husband, too.
[LAUGHING LOUDLY.]
Who am I kidding? You can have a pat.
[LAUGHING.]
Ah, there you go, then! - [LAUGHING.]
- Okay! - [LAUGHING HEARTILY.]
- Okay.
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY.]
What kind of sick game are you playing here, - Kerrtrussel? - I have no idea - what you're talking about.
- What are you doing with Lillian Bellacourt? Shh! Hush up.
You know how sad I've been since my Petunia died.
Petunia was your cat.
And she made the house into a home! Look, I've got no problem with you tricking a woman with amnesia into believing she's your wife.
I mean, we've all done it.
The problem that I have is that it's her.
She's a damn heiress, man.
And when her family finds out about this, you'll be in the clink.
And it'll be worth it! She's the greatest woman I've ever known or abducted.
- Food, food! - [MEN LAUGH RAUCOUSLY.]
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
- Of course, some food.
- Pretzels for you, honey.
- My favorite German dish! - [GIGGLES.]
I fold.
.
[HARPSICHORD AND HIP-HOP MASH-UP.]
Would you like me to pack this? You have 12 other birdcages.
Blanche, I want to make a good impression.
Beatrice, can I ask your advice? Celery is making me be president, but it sounds really hard.
[SHRIEKING.]
No! For the love of America, no! Nothing.
I thought you were dead.
No, I'm still holding on.
Oh! Huh.
Well, if I'm president, I won't be able to focus on what really matters, like what's for dessert, or or teaching myself how to fly.
This is as far as I've gotten.
Hmm.
You should focus on that.
- You're so close.
- Thank you.
Blanche, don't forget to pack my Bible.
- I want to look smart.
- Yes.
- Are you going somewhere? - I'm going to college.
[SOFT PIANO MUSIC.]
Ew.
Gross.
When? I don't know.
Tomorrow? I'm not sure how college works.
Well, if you're gone, then I won't have anyone to play with.
So, I might as well be president.
Will you at least stay for the speech where I tell everyone I'm going to ruin the world? Or run the world? What's the.
.
Sounds boring, but all right.
Thank you.
- You found your ring.
- Oh, yes.
Turns out I left it on my desk, and not in the soggy velvet of the mystery woman of my dreams.
Well, all right.
I guess I'm off to be president.
Unless anybody wants to stop me.
[STIRRING STRING MUSIC.]
[MUMBLING IN PANIC.]
[YELPING QUIETLY.]
- Did you say something? - Nothing.
- You didn't say anything? - No.
Okay.
Uh - Well it's a lot of power.
- [YELPS.]
A lot of responsibility.
- [MUMBLING.]
- That I don't have to do if anyone says literally anything.
Miss Beatrice, perhaps you should stop him.
No, I think it's better this way.
- Good-bye.
- Bye.
[DOOR CLICKS SHUT.]
[GENTLE PIANO MELODY.]
[SERENE FIDDLE MELODY.]
[DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN.]
Oh! Sadly, it's back to work - for me, dearie.
- No, you're working? I was gonna make wood biscuits for lunch.
Oh, that sounds too delicious, but I had to pick up an extra shift big event for the vice president.
Wait, that sounds familiar.
No, it doesn't! [PLEASANTLY.]
Politics is boring and for men.
Don't worry your pretty little mind about that, my little pie.
Kisses forever.
- Kisses forever.
- [GIGGLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[DOOR CLICK SHUT.]
Kertrussel! Kertrussel! You forgot your gun! Kertrussel! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC.]
Dear America, I come to you today not just as a man, but as a great man.
And not just as a great man, but as a president man.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
This ring [DRAMATIC STRING MUSIC.]
Today My ring! Where did it go? [STAMMERS.]
Fre Fre [SIGHS HAPPILY.]
Hey! I used to have a ring just like that! [LAUGHS.]
[GASPS.]
[WHISPERING.]
It was you.
[WHISPERING.]
You are my beloved.
Freddy! Go on with the announcement.
CROWD: Frederick, Frederick! [APPLAUSE AND CHANTING.]
Thank you, thank you, but I don't need your love.
In fact, I'm a little disgusted by it.
There's only one person who will always love me no matter what.
And it's my sister, Beatrice.
[STIRRING MUSIC.]
You people only love me because I burned the flag and destabilized our democracy, but Beatrice doesn't care about that stuff.
Beatrice just cares about me, and how I feel, and if my hair looks pretty.
- It does look pretty.
- Thank you, Beatrice.
I'm not qualified for president.
I don't even know if it's pronounced the "U-S" or the "us.
" And frankly, I don't care.
Because I don't care about this country.
And I don't care about any of you.
All I care about is Beatrice.
- Oh, Frederick.
- Oh, Beatrice.
[BOTH MOANING SOFTLY.]
[SLOW ROCK MUSIC.]
Oh, goodness me.
.
[SLOW ROCK MUSIC.]
Kertrussel! Kertrussel.
You forgot your gun again, sweetheart.
I told you to not leave the house, darling.
Oh, hi, Lillian! Hi, Beatrice.
[QUICKENING STRING MUSIC.]
[SCREAMS.]
Beatrice I literally have no behavioral standards at all.
I can make anyone cry in under 60 seconds.
I get to marry the prince! I'm Lillian! Imagine my face on a milk jar or an oat sack.
I can't be better than you at anything? That's the dynamic that's been working for us so far! Stop trying to make this all about you! You're only pretty in Massachusetts! - [GASPS.]
- I'm a star, and you're not.
[BOTH WAILING DRAMATICALLY.]
[SOBBING.]
I'm supposed to be the famous one.
What's the point of living when Beatrice is famous and I'm not? I'm going to miss our custom-made suicide outfits.
[WAILING.]
[SCREAMING.]
This is all your fault! [CROWD GASPS.]
Okay, Garbagella, why don't you just go ahead and give me the gun.
My name's not Garbagella! It's Lillian Bellacourt! You held me hostage.
[SOBBING.]
I slept on cotton! - Ew.
- I was happy.
I had it all.
- And then you got famous! - [YELPS.]
[SOBBING.]
You ruined my life.
No, no, Lillian.
I'm sorry I stole your dream.
I didn't mean to.
And you know what? Being famous, it's really hard.
And if you want to, you can have it.
Wait, you're not just saying that because I'm holding a loaded weapon, are you? Well, I am, but also, no.
I don't want it anymore, and you need it more than I do.
Lillian, I am giving you my fame.
Oh, Beatrice.
[GIGGLES.]
That's all I ever wanted, really was to be more famous than you.
Well, to be more famous than anyone, really.
[CROWD GASPS.]
Look, it's President Roosevelt! I go hunting for one fortnight, and you try to usurp me! [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[SCREAMING IN SLOW MOTION.]
Drop the gun! [LILLIAN SHOUTS, GUN FIRES.]
[IN SLOW MOTION.]
Beatrice! No! Frederick, no! I'm finally flying! [BOTH GRUNTING.]
[GASPING.]
[BULLET WHOOSHING.]
[CROWD SCREAMING.]
[PRIM HARPSICHORD MUSIC.]
[WOMEN SCREAMING.]
[WOMEN GASPING.]
I think he's dead! Garbagella, you're under arrest.
[LAUGHING GLEEFULLY.]
Anything you say or do can be held I love you so much! Lillian! You shot the president! Smile! It turns out, we both got what we wanted.
I'm finally famous! All right, off to the pokey, now! [CROWD SCREAMING.]
And I get to keep [BLEEP.]
my brother.
[HORTENSE SOBBING.]
I guess Freddy's going to be president after all.
[STATELY MUSIC.]