Batman (1966) s03e11 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
The great metropolis of Londinium, mighty capital of the Old World is enjoying another of its famous crystal-clear days.
But in the queen's private museum in Chuckingham Palace something's rather foggy about Lord Marmaduke Ffogg of Ffoggshire and his sister, Lady Penelope Peasoup.
But what are these twisted twigs of Londinium aristocracy up to? Purloining Her Majesty's priceless snuffboxes? And then covering their tracks with Marmaduke's own man-made fog? And shortly, in Commissioner Gordon's office, on the other side of the Atlantic If you wish, Mr.
President, I can handle this myself.
I'm going to Londinium this week for an International Police Commissioner's Conference.
Only Batman, Mr.
President? I'll see if it can be arranged at once, Mr.
President.
What an afternoon.
It's like a Londinium fog.
Uh, speaking of Londinium that was himself, the president, speaking of Londinium? There have been unexplained robberies in Londinium from which all the thieves have escaped in what appears to be a man-made fog.
I tried to persuade him that I could handle the problem.
Just as I've tried to persuade you, Barbara, to take your vacation in Londinium with me.
Two weeks fog-bound? No, thank you, Daddy.
Oh, well, maybe Batman will be a little easier to convince.
Batman? The president, at the request of the first minister and Londinium's venerable Ireland Yard wants the Caped Crusader to look into the strange situation.
I think two weeks in Londinium would be delightful, Daddy.
Excellent, Master Robin.
Your turn at the Boy Scouts Vaudeville Show should prove what I believe is called a doozer.
Cool it, Ringo.
Yes, commissioner.
The president.
The first minister.
Venerable Ireland Yard.
Londinium.
NARRATOR".
And presently, on a crystal-clear Gotham City night a luxury liner is about to sail.
Hello, Barbara, commissioner.
Well, Bruce, what a pleasant surprise to find you and young Dick among our fellow passengers.
I've been called on Wayne Foundation business and I thought that Dick here might find the trip broadening.
- Excuse me, sir.
Your crate is safely aboard.
-Thank you, Alfred.
I saw that immense thing with your name stenciled on it on the pier.
What do you have in it? I don't think that Dick should neglect his studies so we brought along a thousand key works of literature, his biological specimens and also his own desk.
- Yes, I expect to study hard.
-it's a good thing you're going by ship, Dick.
Here you are, commissioner.
I just came down to wish you bon voyage, begorra.
That's very generous of you, Chief O'Hara.
Thank you very much.
Any sign of the Dynamic Duo? I'm sure they're on board, Chief O'Hara.
But knowing their dispositions, I doubt we'll see much of them.
All ashore that's going ashore.
Well, good luck, commissioner.
- Goodbye, everybody.
-Goodbye, chief.
All ashore that's I think a ship sailing is one of the most exciting things in the world, don't you, Bruce? Glamorous, romantic, a sense of mystery and adventure.
Hard to beat in this humdrum world.
NARRATOR".
While across the sea in the treasure-filled gallery of Easterland House What are our Londinium culprits up to now? Not Lady Easterland's precious horde of jeweled Russian Easter eggs.
Then once more covering their tracks with Lord Ffogg's personal pea soup.
And the following morning at Ffogg Place Marmaduke, the authorities have called on Batman.
The Caped Crusader from the colonies? Why? In a last attempt to find out who's been carrying out our little pranks.
You don't seem any too alarmed.
Why should I be? We have an advantage over Batman that none of his other adversaries ever had.
My invincible weapon.
The pipe of fog.
With it, we can make our entrances and exits in fogbound secrecy.
Our sorties of the past will be as nothing compared to what the future holds.
Nothing? You call the count's coin collection, the duchess's diamonds and Her Majesty's snuffboxes nothing? Nothing, compared to the Crown Jewels in the Tower of Londinium with which we may conclude our lives of crime.
The Crown Jewels? Oh, Marmaduke, how utterly divine.
Oh, yes, rather.
Yes, rather, I say yes.
NARRATOR".
Presently, in the dungeon of a country manor house rented by Bruce Wayne near Londinium the Dynamic Duo are ready for action.
Well, it isn't exactly the Batcave, sir.
In fact, I strongly suspect that at one time, it was a dungeon.
But, uh, it does have an isolated entrance connecting direct with the Queen's Highway.
It will do the job, Alfred.
And you did a great job unpacking Dick Grayson's books biological specimens and desk.
And not even a scratch on the Batmobile.
And the Batcomputer seems right at home too.
Let's go, old chum.
Commissioner Gordon will be waiting for us at venerable Ireland Yard.
And if I may, sir, remember to drive on the left, not the right.
NARRATOR".
In no time at all, they are entering Londinium which is suffering from a spell of unusually clear weather.
And turning off the Queen's Highway into Barnaby Street Blimey.
The Batmobile.
NARRATOR".
Then a moment later in the office of Superintendent Watson in venerable Ireland Yard Superintendent Watson, I'd like you to meet the Caped Crusader, Batman.
- How do you do? -And the Boy Wonder, Robin.
- How do you do? It's a pleasure to meet you.
-it's our pleasure, sir.
You, of course, know my daughter Barbara.
Yes, we do.
These surroundings have a familiar feel.
Yes, Batman, decor in a police department varies little the world over.
When did you arrive in Londinium, Batman? We didn't see you on our liner.
It's a large ship, Ms.
Gordon.
Well, superintendent, I suppose this small talk is slightly out of order in the face of your current criminal crisis.
-It is indeed, Batman.
Just one mysterious theft after another.
We had hoped that they would end with Her Majesty's snuffboxes but earlier this week, these same pilferers invaded the gallery of Easterland House.
And swept off with a precious horde of Russian jeweled Easter eggs.
I read that in the ship's bulletin.
Ah, swept out is right, Batman.
And under cover of what seemed to be a man-made fog.
- Holy haziness.
-You say there are signs of this strange fog at the scene of every robbery.
It's almost a trademark.
Fog.
Fogbound.
Foghorn.
- Aftergrass.
- Aftergrass? Yes, aftergrass is a form of lawn, sometimes called fog.
Beautiful too.
Ffogg Place in Ffoggshire has one of the finest aftergrass lawns in the country.
Ffogg Place.
The famous baronial estate of Lord Marmaduke Ffogg? - Oh, you've heard of it? - Oh, yes.
His fog lawn is world-renowned.
Superintendent, what would be the chances of our looking around Ffogg Place? You, Batman? Heh.
Surely you don't suspect Lord Ffogg, one of our most respected aristocrats.
No, my friend, millionaire Bruce Wayne has a magnificent aftergrass lawn at stately Wayne Manor, outside of Gotham City.
I'd like to compare it with Lord Ffogg's while I assemble my thoughts about our ubiquitous iniquitous enigma.
Ooh! Good.
Good.
Lord Ffogg and his sister, Lady Penelope Peasoup also run a posh girl's finishing school there.
They're quite proud of it.
And I always like to get outside Londinium, you know, into the countryside gives me a chance to change hats, you know.
Ha, ha.
I'll call Lady Peasoup right now.
Batman and Robin coming here? Why? Superintendent Watson said something about our aftergrass lawn.
Yes, Prudence? Lady Prudence, Aunt Penelope.
I came to tell you the girls and I are back from our little shopping expedition, governor.
Mission accomplished.
Good, Lady Prudence.
Please have the girls freshen up.
Ffogg Place is about to play host to Batman and Robin.
The Dynamic Duo? Smashing.
I doubt that Batman is coming in to look at any lawn, Penelope.
But one false move and he'll be 6 feet under it.
- Call Basil.
-Right here, your lordship.
And I couldn't help overhearing, sir.
I'll have the chauffeur and footman start preparing a grave at once.
Not right now, Basil.
But when you do, make that two graves.
We may need a second one for Robin, the Boy Wonder.
NARRATOR".
Thus again, very shortly, Ffogg Place prepares to receive its visitors.
Hello there.
Oh, Batman and Robin, how nice of you to come.
And Superintendent Watson, and, uh Lady Peasoup, may I present Ms.
Gordon.
Her father is police commissioner of Gotham City.
While he's attending a meeting in Londinium I thought I'd bring his charming daughter along with us.
Welcome to Ffogg Place, my dear.
Thank you.
Oh.
The gout again, Lord Ffogg? Not again.
Always.
- Oh.
-Lady Prudence.
His Lordship's daughter, my niece.
She helps with the school.
How do you do? - Duchess.
- How do you do? - Kit.
- How do you do? - Daisy.
- How do you do? - Rosamond.
- How do you do? They're our boarders.
Our daily students are away on holiday.
Lady Prudence, will you please stay here and entertain our guests? And, young ladies, may I suggest that you get back to your, uh, studies.
A refreshing innovation, no school uniforms.
Well, our little student bodies have their clothes specially designed on Barnaby Street.
We like them to have individuality and to keep their wits about them.
Their wits? Oh, they must learn to handle themselves in this world.
So full of sham and deception.
Did you finish, my dear? Finish? Oh, I graduated from college, if that's what you mean.
Heh.
A college graduate from across the sea.
But it might be most interesting to add you to our faculty.
What's this about aftergrass, Batman? I'm quite interested in fog lawns, Lord Ffogg.
There it is.
Help yourself.
As nice a lawn as millionaire Bruce Wayne's, Batman? A fine stand of fog grass, Ms.
Gordon.
He was on our ship, you know.
I wonder where he's staying in Londinium.
I can't help you there, Ms.
Gordon.
A handsome fog lawn, Lord Ffogg.
My, what an interesting pi-- One of my most beloved possessions, Batman.
I promised them a look around the school, Lady Peasoup.
Heh.
What fun.
Uh, Lady Prudence, perhaps you would show Robin around the grounds while I take care of the others.
Smashing.
Could I be excused from the tour, Lady Peasoup, and use your phone? I just remembered, an old friend of mine from Gotham City may be living close by.
Of course, my dear.
Now, Basil, will you please show Ms.
Gordon the telephone in the hall? Of course, Your Ladyship.
And we can start with the judo room in the girl's gymnasium.
A judo room? An unlikely sport for young gentlewomen.
Quick, Scudder, it's bug time.
Advise the others.
Operator, I'd like-- I'd like the number of Londinium's Temporary Visitors' Registration Office, please.
NARRATOR".
Shortly, in the Londinium Batcave near the Queen's Highway But how in the world did you find me, miss? I'll explain later, Alfred.
But right now Just a minute.
I've slipped an anti-eavesdrop plug into the phone, Alfred.
Now, you can do me a great favor if you'll NARRATOR".
While in the dormitory of Lady Peasoup's pretty little student bodies Oh, isn't Batman the grooviest? You're right, Duchess.
And that Robin.
I'm out of my skin over him.
I wish we'd stolen some sharp threads today on Barnaby Street.
Instead of that old silver tea service His Lordship wanted.
You two flunked your course in thread lifting, don't you remember? - Well, you'll have to take it over.
-Oh, and that Lady Prudence.
Her father's pet.
Well, let's just hope she isn't talking too much.
I guess I've been talking too much.
But this place is greeby.
Greeby? It's supposed to be a finishing school.
We're being finished all right, with an MS degree.
- MS? -Mistresses of Shoplifting.
That's what Lady Peasoup meant about using our wits.
Holy contributing to the delinquency of minors.
But you won't tell Batman, will you? I'd be roped outwith the governor.
Roped out with the governor? In big trouble with my father.
NARRATOR".
While on another section of the grounds What's that, Lady Peasoup? Oh.
A beehive.
Special pets of Lord Ffogg's.
African death bees.
One sting and you're finished.
Ha, ha.
But he has so few other interests.
But where is Ms.
Gordon? I haven't the foggiest notion.
Strange you should put it just that way, Lord Ffogg.
She has left.
Basil was telling me that the friend that she called is picking her up outside.
She said she'd phone her father and explain.
And she does hope you understand, superintendent.
Hmm.
It seems very odd.
She also says that she'll call me later.
She might be interested in joining our faculty, Marmaduke.
Uh, for a short while, anyway.
Perhaps we ought to be leaving, Batman.
A pity.
Maybe you could head back for your office.
We'll join you as soon as Robin-- - I'm right here, Batman.
- Good.
Good day, Lord Ffogg.
We found your fog lawn most impressive.
Thank you, Batman.
I'm sorry you found me indisposed.
- Lady Peasoup.
- I'll see you out.
Our servants are at tea.
Ha, ha.
Well, Prudence, how did you make out with Robin? He's greeby, governor.
Perhaps we've seen the last of those two Dynamic Dunderheads if the household staff aren't still at tea.
NARRATOR".
And on a country road near Ffogg Place I can't tell you how much I appreciate this, Alfred.
No trouble, miss.
Your directions were perfect.
I found the key to the flat you rented borrowed this cab from my second cousin, Cuthbert, and, hey, presto Batgirl's clothes.
-Oh, thank you, Alfred.
Something's very wrong in Ffogg Place.
I'm afraid Batman and Robin are headed for a lot of trouble.
Of course, as usual our secret must not be disclosed.
Mum's the word, miss.
Would you like me to wait for you? Oh, no, I'll be all right.
NARRATOR".
So while Barbara Gordon begins her tantalizing transformation into Batgirl the visitors leave Ffogg Place and start back to Londinium.
Through the fog-free countryside.
But what's this? Holy roadblocks.
And some rather unholy highwaymen, I'm afraid, Robin.
Shouldn't be too hard to take that Batman.
He looks like a slow bowler to me.
And that youngster we'll make mincemeat out of him.
Why wait? Come on, governor.
Get out of that car.
Come on, mate.
Shake a leg.
- Batgirl.
-Batgirl? Holy show-ups, that Batgirl.
She does make a colorful reinforcement, all right.
I don't want her to think we can't fight our battles.
Gosh, no, Batman.
What do you suppose she's doing in Londinium? Where do you suppose she went? I can't answer the first.
I've never been able to answer the second.
- And where do you suppose she went in? -Or on.
Those thugs looked like the footman, the butler, the chauffeur.
I did notice a similarity.
Let's go back to Ffogg Place and clean it up once and for all.
Unless Lady Prudence was conning me, plenty to clean up.
I'm sure there is, but it's hostile territory.
I suggest we return to our Londinium Batcave and regroup our forces.
Right as rain, Batman.
Why on Earth did you invite that girl to join our faculty, Penelope? She's the daughter of Gotham City's police commissioner.
Who no doubt has a direct line to Batman himself.
- Wherever he may be.
-Oh, but that's exactly why I did it, Marmaduke.
To keep an eye on the doings of the Batman brigade through her.
And if necessary, we would have a hostage.
You're a dizzily clever woman.
Holy surprise parties.
NARRATOR".
Has Basil, Lord Ffogg's friendly butler succeeded in befogging the Dynamic Duo? ls Batman up against a sticky wicket? Our next episode will give you much more than a foggy notion.