Big Mouth (2017) s03e11 Episode Script

1
Nick?
How could you?
He's got your Missy now ♪
- Whoa, we did
- The kiss. Yeah.
- That was the kiss.
- And it was
- Uh
- pretty great.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Okay, here's what we do.
You grab his top lip,
I'll grab his bottom lip
and we peel his fucking face off.
Yes. That way, we're not killing him.
- We're just peeling his face off.
- Exactly.
No, no, wait.
He's my best friend.
And fuck, we're goin' to
camp together in a few days.
I should give him a
chance to come clean.
Oh, hey, uh, what are you
Why are you still at school?
Why are you here?
- What do I do? Should I tell him?
- No! It'll crush him.
- Think of an amazing lie.
- Uh, um
I was just seeing if the
cafeteria served dinner.
It does not.
- Anything else you wanna tell me?
- Uh
Nope, see you later.
That liar.
Jesus, Caleb.
Please sign my yearbook
as Mr. Invisible,
since no one can see you
in your black turtleneck.
What? Your yearbook?
Get the fuck out of here with that shit.
Okay.
Oh, no. Stop!
Stop kissing each other!
I'm right here.
I'm not invisible!
- Oh, I just had the worst dream.
- Tell me about it.
I just had a wet nightmare
about Mickey Rourke
in a long paisley scarf.
- Again?
- Yeah. Every night, brother.
Mine was about Nick and Missy.
They were kissing.
Holy shit, Andrew.
- What?
- You're invisible.
- I know. People take me for granted.
- No, look.
Oh, my God, where did I go?
Andrew! Breakfast is ready!
I put garlic powder in your oatmeal,
like I've decided you like.
Oh, shit, Maury, if my parents
see me, they'll freak.
They hate floating clothes.
- Andrew!
- What do I do?
- Uh Quick. Undress.
- Right, I'll take my clothes off.
Huh.
- He must have gone to school already.
- Hmm.
Nothin' makes me more aroused
than the absence of my son.
How about a little moofky-poofky?
Oh, your hands smell like garlic powder.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, honey.
Oh, Marty.
Ugh! Your poor bed is being
suffocated by those huge balls.
- Ooh!
- Oh, God. Kill me.
Oh, fuck!
This is amazing.
Every time I fart, I go in
and out of invisibility.
Invisible.
I'm back. And it stinks.
Truly astounding, Andrew.
You somehow made farting even cooler.
I'm basically a superhero.
Wait until everyone
sees your power, baby.
Do you know what I could do with this?
I could shop at Lord &
Taylor for hours on end
- without being judged.
- Sure. Okay.
I'm gonna be the coolest dude in school.
Ba-ba-ba-ba Oh, no.
That's right. There was a
freak storm last night
and everybody has superpowers.
Is it related? Who cares?
It's the last week of
school and it's Fun! ♪
I call you the Harmonizer.
You're a very talented artist, Caleb.
Is that your superpower?
No, I am known as Lord Infinite.
I am an all-powerful being.
Jay, what the fuck is that?
It's jizz, Matthew.
I'm the first and last cum bender.
- Check this out. It's an Escalade.
- Amazing.
Gina, how about you?
Well, Matthew, I can stretch
any part of my body.
Hey, guys, it's me, Bull-ola.
I've got the legs of a
bull and the body of me.
And ultimately,
I would swat a fly with my tail.
Holy shit.
Look at Nick.
Hey, Andrew, check it out.
I'm Big Dick Boy.
Big Dick Boy destroyin' property.
Big prostate, peein' all
night, a little concerned.
Pretty dope, huh? Hey,
what's your power?
Uh, when I, uh ahem, fart,
- I turn invisible.
- Oh.
And it only really works,
uh, if I'm totally nude.
Invisible farting.
That's a really great power, bud.
Jessi, what's your power?
I, uh
I don't seem to have one.
Maybe you're the newspaper reporter
- who gets saved.
- Oof.
Or maybe you're just a face in a locket.
Oh, God, there's Nick.
I shouldn't have kissed him, right?
Oh, Lars is gonna be crushed.
Who cares?
I care!
- I'm a cheater.
- So break up with Lars,
get together with Nick and
lie about the timeline.
- Do people do that?
- Fuck, yeah! All the time.
- Hey, Missy.
- Hi, Missy. I mean, hello, Missy.
No, I mean, hi, lips. Or hi, Nick.
- Wow, smackeroonies.
- Nice to see ya.
- For sure. How lovely.
- Hey, so what are your powers?
Well, what it is, is
that I can make storms.
But I really can't control
them at this point. Sorry.
I'm the Her-ricane.
Spelled H-E-R, because
unfortunately, female superheroes
have to have their gender
specified in their names.
Well, Missy. I think your powers
are kind of electrifying.
Great superhero word
play, cool personality.
- Okay.
- Anyhow.
I guess I'll see you later or something.
- Great.
- Ooh, he likes you.
- Do you really think so?
- Absolutely.
It's time to give Lars the pink slip.
And give Nick the pink slit.
Moving forward, slit is not a
word that I'm comfortable with
and I really don't see that changing.
Whoa, how are you doing that?
I'm telekinetic.
- I can move objects with my mind.
- Huh.
I'm making lasagna at home right now.
That's amazing.
So
Not to be an asshole but, in theory,
you could use your mind
to make your legs
- What do you want, Andrew?
- Okay. All right. Okay.
I'm afraid I have some troubling
information about Nick and Missy
- and their lips
- I don't want to hear it.
- which kissed each other.
- Lies.
- Truth!
- Lies!
Holy shit!
Sorry, still here. Just invisible.
- I fart when I'm scared.
- Why are you telling me this?
I thought Nick was your best friend.
Until he betrayed me.
So now, you and I, Lars, it appears
we've become unlikely allies.
- Where are you going? What will you do?
- Simple.
Nick must die.
I just stole this big
pretzel from Six Flags.
My power's lit.
Ugh, even Lump has powers?
Nick Birch, you've got some nerve.
- What the hell, Lars?
- I know what you did.
Wait. Missy told you?
No! I was gonna talk to him
after school. I'm sorry, Lars.
It was I who told him that stuff.
- Andrew?
- Told him what?
Nick kissed Missy.
Gaaah!
Oof! You snitched to Lars? You weasel.
You're the fuckin' weasel.
I went to you,
you lied to me about it.
Move!
Guys, stop fighting.
You should be mad at me, Lars.
I'm the one who cheated.
I thought you were gonna
lie about the timeline.
This isn't how I wanted you to find out.
I wanted to let you down gently
in the young adult section
at Barnes & Noble.
Quit staring at her.
The show's over,
you judgmental little fucks.
Okay, enough with the superpowers.
I have two days left until retirement.
You can kill each other
when I'm on a pontoon boat
drinking my grandchildren's
names out of my mind.
And it's a jizzasaurus sex.
- What the fuck, guys?
- We woke up even bigger assholes
- than we already were.
- Society is our butt to fuck.
What the fuck are you guys
Now that you're a drug-dealing cum god,
you're cool enough to
be a true Bilzerian.
Father says you're ready to
take the Bilzerian oath.
Wow, I'm finally becoming a
member of my own family?
Now put your hand on this Criterion
DVD of The Devil's Advocate.
- Whoa!
- I swear to fuck shit up goodly
and to always remain
A loyal Bilzerian.
Asses to asses, nuts to nuts.
Welcome to the family, Cum Bender.
And if you'll follow me this way,
this is my fruit dehydrator.
I'm finally making my own raisins,
so I can cross that off my bucket list.
Yeah, uh, your new place is great, Dad.
- You all right, jelly bean?
- I just
Everybody seems to be doing super
great, and I'm kind of not.
Oh, come here.
- I have a new girlfriend.
- What?
Oh, whoa, I was not gonna
tell you about that yet.
But I'm dating the cheese sample
girl at Trader Joe's. Yay.
- You are?
- Wait, Jessi, try touching him again.
She's 25 and she has braces.
They're colored ones and I like 'em.
Holy shit!
You can make people tell the
truth by just touchin' 'em.
You're like a demon Oprah.
- I don't know when your birthday is.
- Dad!
Sorry, I I know it's like,
July fourth, but it's not as hot
- Dad!
- Give me a second, hold on, it's
God, what are the months? Uh, April,
April fourth, see? I got there.
Oh, my God. It's April 16th.
Sorry. You know what?
I'll write it down on this envelope,
and I promise I'll
never forget it again.
All right, since I'm back at school now,
you guys can call me Coach Steve.
I'm handsome now, Coach Steve.
Let's play dodgeball.
Hey, Jessie, Where's Missy?
After that whole scene yesterday,
she didn't come to school.
See what you did, Andrew?
Fuck you, sit on this. Fuck your family.
Now because my power is reading rooms,
I'm gonna have Nick and
Andrew, the super friends,
- be team captains, baby.
- Okay. I guess I'll go first.
Typical Nick, putting himself first.
- Typical Andrew, playing the victim.
- Oh, yeah, fuckface?
Well, at least I'm not a liar.
I only lied because I know how
crazy and possessive you can be.
No, Nick. You lied because you knew
what you did was reprehensible.
Thank you. Lars, you're on my team.
Missy isn't yours, Andrew.
Nick didn't steal her from you.
Exactly.
But Nick and Andrew are bros,
and as the old saying goes,
men before women.
I'm Team Andrew. Surf's up.
Dibs is heteronormative bullshit.
Team Nick! ♪
Let me ask you this, Nick.
How would you feel if I
hooked up with Gina?
Well, I don't think
I have to worry about that.
Oh, Nick, you cocky little shit.
I'm on Andrew's team.
Well, I'm Team Nick,
because he's got a pool.
- Really, Lola?
- What?
I'm covered in flies.
- Jessi, what about you?
- I have no opinion on this, okay?
Oh, please, Jessi. You have
an opinion about everything.
Just tell the truth.
That's your power, isn't it?
No, her power is making other
people tell the truth.
I call her the Scarlet Truther.
I don't like that name, Caleb,
and I don't want any part
in this dumb pissing contest.
I'm out of here.
- Jessi, come on.
- Come back, honey.
You don't know what you're saying.
Well, let's play some dodgeball.
You're like, out.
Sports!
Yah! Yes! I win! I win!
The universe agrees with me.
Missy is off-limits.
Andrew's penis is bigger
than Nick's penis.
Also, that.
I'm keeping track of
all the penises I see.
That asshole.
He can't tell me that
somebody's off-limits.
Yeah! If you like Missy,
that's your business.
- Yeah.
- Who cares
if Andrew's got a bigger dick?
- Yeah.
- Because she likes you.
- Yeah.
- So clearly big dicks
are not her thing.
Yeah. Yeah
I know I should be sad,
but I can't stop thinking
about that kiss.
It felt like there was
lightning in my stomach.
And thunder in your unders.
Huh?
- Nick!
- Hi, Missy.
Uh, I wanted to ask you something.
Do you maybe want to go
out with me tonight?
- What?
- We could go play some mini golf
at Golf Lundgren.
Yeah!
Okay
I'll take that as a yes,
and I'm just gonna put out this fire.
Excuse me, somebody's soaking in here.
- And, uh, I will see you tonight.
- It's a date.
- I've always wanted to say that.
- Big dick jump! Brump! Brump!
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
The nerve of this boy.
The absolute chutzpah of this child.
We need to do something,
we need to Wow. Whoa.
That fart really resonated.
Uh, I'm nauseous.
Oh, God. I need to sit down.
Whoa, I need to I need to lie down.
The cheese girl?
The one with the braces?
Okay. Great, good for him.
Ugh, I I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have told you.
I'm sick of living in Bridgeton.
I wanna move to the city!
What the fuck?
Oh, God, I'm sorry. I just
I think we both could use a change.
But what about my school and my
friends and what about Dad?
Dad and the cheese slut? They
can come visit you in the city.
I don't wanna move.
Okay, let's just calm down. We don't
have to decide anything right
I've already put the
house on the market.
I'm experimenting with BDSM in Brooklyn.
This is so unfair.
I don't wanna go to a new school.
Where in Brooklyn you goin', Shannon?
Maybe we can carpool.
Sorry about your life, Jessi.
Even though Dolph Lundgren
played a Russian in Rocky IV,
which I haven't been allowed to see,
- but I did IMDb him
- Oh, yeah.
He's actually from Sweden,
which is a social democracy.
- Okay. Cool.
- Not technically socialist.
- That is not what I'm saying.
- Missy's kind of a
Dork, she's a dork.
Big Dick Boy can't be
with big dork girl.
I don't know if you know, but
Dolph Lundgren went to MIT
It's time for me to
reveal my twisted plan.
We're going to use our powers
- to move Nick's ball
- Uh-huh.
so he will never get
his precious hole in one.
Missy seeing he is not good at the game
will never let him get to third base,
which is my biggest fear.
- It's perfect.
- That's a weak plan.
I'm gonna make him swallow
a hundred golf tees
and watch him hemorrhage
from the inside out.
Uh Oh. So, like, a like, a murder?
All righty, fuck nuggets.
Plant these in the Dolph
Lundgren Porta Potties.
What are they?
Radioactive Cotton Candy Brandy Bombs.
My favorite.
We're gonna blow these
dookie coffins sky high.
I I don't know. That
sounds pretty dangerous.
Hey! Let me out!
Val, what are you doing?
Just having a little fun.
Kurt!
I am the Shit Monster!
A Dolph Lundgren shit monster.
This looks like a job for Big Dick Boy.
And the Her-ricane.
Oof!
Oh, Nick. No!
Come on, Lars, they need our help.
Andrew, what are you doing here?
I was on a date with,
uh Lars. First date.
Were you two spying on us?
Okay, yes, we were spying on you.
But we're here to help.
Ooh!
No! Don't hurt them.
Don't worry, guys.
Help is coming.
Hey, I'm Spermvester Stallone.
I'm made of cum, but I wanna fight.
This is great.
Ugh, ugh.
- What the fuck?
- How dare you use cum
on your own family?
What? Me? You're the
one that blew up Kurt.
You're not a Bilzerian.
Wait, please.
Guys! Guys!
Nooooooooo!
Holy shit.
- You okay?
- Yeah. What about you?
Yeah.
- Hey, thanks for your help.
- No problem.
Listen, Nick. If you and Missy
really like each other,
I'm not gonna be the guy that
stands in the way of love,
but you take care of her.
You hear me?
Thanks, Andrew.
Would it be cool if I grabbed your
forearm while we shake hands?
I'd like that, Nick.
I would like that very much.
Whoa, what a date, huh? There
was action and comedy, romance.
Yeah, there was, like, shit everywhere.
- Yeah.
- So
- Oh, uh
- Oh.
I think I just cut my lip
on your braces a little.
Oh. Sorry. I guess I
went a little bit turbo.
No, it's it's fine.
I'm not gonna I'm not
gonna cry or anything.
Did you maybe wanna come in?
My dad cries all the time.
Oh, I would love to see your dad
cry, but, um I wanna be fresh
- for the last day of school tomorrow.
- Oh, yeah.
I can't wait to see you
in your graduation gown.
- Send me a picture tonight?
- You'll see it tomorrow.
But I'd really like to have it tonight.
- Okay, tomorrow.
- Call me when you get home.
- Bye.
- Walk away!
Go, go, go! Move it.
See you by the lockers tomorrow, Connie.
And don't forget to bring your tongue.
All right, tomorrow.
Bye.
This bitch is crazy.
Welcome to seventh grade graduation,
because every moment in your lives
deserves a four-hour ceremony.
My mom's clearly already
decided we're moving.
Isn't that messed up?
Yeah. Everything's so weird
and complicated right now.
- You mean you and Andrew?
- Mm No.
Sorta.
- Never mind.
- Nick, what is it?
- Hey, guys.
- Oh, it's nothing.
- Come on.
- I don't really like Missy.
It was just the excitement of the play
and now I don't know what to do.
- What?
- Oh, no.
- Jessi!
- Sorry.
So you kiss Missy.
Then I give my blessing
and now you decide that
you don't even like her?
Let's circumcise this asshole.
Wolver Peen.
Hey, future eighth graders. Hi, Nick.
- Tell her.
- Tell me what?
- Nothing. Everything's fine, Missy.
- Oh, yeah?
- Hey!
- I don't actually like you.
I got caught up in the play,
but in reality we're
not a good fit at all.
- Ooh.
- Ooh. Oh
Oh, man. I'm sorry.
Oh, no.
Missy, no, no, no
What the fuck, Andrew?
Why would you do that?
- Kick his ass!
- All right.
I'm finally gonna give you
the beating you deserve.
Ha-ha!
That's right, idiot.
I was nude under my robe.
Oh, where did I go?
Oh! What's wrong? Cat got your knee?
Oh, God.
If you want, the studio
will hire a writer for you.
Hey, Nick, try rebounding from this.
There's gotta be a way I can be a
Bilzerian but still be a good guy.
Ugh. I wish Diane were here.
She'd know what to do.
Jay, I am here.
Diane mommy, made of cum?
You need to show your
family how to love.
But how? That seems impossible.
Well, you could start by turning
this shithole into a home.
- Huh.
- Take it from me, I'm your cum.
She's right, we can't live like this.
I know what I have to do,
but it will take all of my cum.
Cummmmmm
Cummmmmm
What the heck is going on?
Ow, I squished my hog.
Andrew! Andrew!
It's more of a chode.
Everybody, please stop fighting. Whoa!
Missy, if you come back to me now,
I promise I won't destroy you.
I don't belong to you.
I don't belong to anyone!
Cummmmmm
Cummmmmm
Aah! Basic-ass bitch.
I'm not basic, my husband is black.
Baby, no. No, no, no, no, no.
What a shitshow.
Yeah. I can't believe this
is my last day at Bridgeton.
- What are you talking about?
- My mom wants us to move to the city.
- Oh! You can't move. I need you.
- Oh, Matthew.
But honestly, I have a
boyfriend so I'll be fine.
Oh, damn your power.
- Ugh. Even you.
- Wait, Jessi.
- Whatevs.
- Ohh
If I can't have you, nobody can.
Stop! Lars!
You don't have to do this.
Why are you such a
fuckin' asshole to me?
God, I'm sorry I kissed Missy. Okay?
But I'm not talkin' about Missy.
I'm talkin' about everything.
Every moment of our friendship,
you've treated me like shit.
Like I'm second class 'cause
my parents are embarrassing,
because I'm hairy and weird-looking.
And then you have the nerve
to say you're my best friend.
I'm sick of it, Nick.
I'm sick of it!
Do it, Missy.
Unleash the storm!
Hey, Caleb, my dude.
What are you drawing?
Big Dick Boy kissed Her-ricane
and that made Mr. Invisible feel angry.
They used to be allies, and
now they're mortal enemies.
Whoa, good story.
And then what happened?
Even I, Lord Infinite, do not know.
Oh, so this whole thing
was in your head?
Reality is only a construct.
Wow, yeah, no, I knew that.
You okay, Nicky?
You've hardly touched your blins.
Too much lemon ricotta?
I'm just worried about
going to camp with Andrew.
We got in a pretty nasty fight.
Well, whenever your
mother and I quarrel,
I try to look at things
from her point of view.
- He puts on my nightgown.
- Ooh!
Maybe you should put yourself
in Andrew's nightgown.
Yeah, you're right. I guess I
should put myself in his shoes.
Nicky, I never raise my voice with you,
but it needs to be a nightgown.
Holy fuck.
It's as clean as a
doctor's cunt in here.
Jay, did you do this?
I love you guys.
- Fuck you.
- What the hell is this?
I stole plates from the Birches
and I made us a turkey.
- All right.
- For eating.
- Not fucking.
- I know. Duh.
Jay, you're such a good boy.
And a worthy Bilzerian.
Wait till I teach you
guys about mouth sauce.
I know what mouth sauce is, son.
It's what I keep in
my nuts for your mom.
Dad, you gotta do stand-up comedy.
My heart
it just hurts so much, Mona.
Why doesn't Nick like me?
'Cause he's a shitty little idiot.
Andrew, Lars, they're
all fucking shit-iots.
- Right.
- None of them are worth your tears.
- They don't deserve me.
- Let's burn them all
and rise from the ashes stark
naked with three dragons.
Yeah, I think I'm finally ready to
watch Game of Thrones this summer.
Mm, I'm more into Westworld, but okay.
Hey, uh, Andrew,
I wanted to come by and
and just say I'm sorry.
I think I thought I was,
like, a big dick boy,
but I think I was just a big dick.
Thanks, Nick.
I'm sorry, too.
Cool. Uh, okay, we are
done with that fight.
- I'm very excited for camp.
- Oh. Um
- I'm not going to camp.
- What do you mean, not going to camp?
Nick, I bear you no ill will,
but I think
I think you're a piece of shit.
- Oh.
- You're not a good person
at all.
And I don't wanna be friends with you.
Uh okay
- Maury, is the boy serious?
- Afraid so, Connie.
He practiced that speech in the
mirror, like, all morning.
Okay, that's all I had prepared.
Fucking nailed it, in my opinion.
Okay. I guess I'll
see you in eighth grade, then.
Yeah, I guess.
Hey, look at that, you made one in.
Aw, come here, big guy.
Six weeks.
Lot of big feelings, huh.
I can't believe he's really not coming.
That's cause he don't love you no more.
Why? Whyyyy?
Burn, baby. Burn.
Maybe it's for the best.
I mean the city's cool and
everyone here sucks anyway.
Ooh, yeah, I love the city. First
I'm gonna hit up Times Square,
then I might go to TKTS.
I am dying to see Lion King.
You go right. He's so slow.
- Whoa! Whoa!
- You almost got me.
Oh, Guy, stop it.
Here we go, uh-oh.
- Birch! Oh-ho!
- Yeah, there he is.
Are you gonna moon those
girls at Tapawingo again?
Ha-ha, you know it.
I'll show my butt to anyone.
- Yeah.
- All right.
It's summer.
Andrew! Why aren't you at camp?
Because I am not going to camp, Dad.
What the hell are you talking about?
We said goodbye to you last night.
You didn't say goodbye.
You said goodnight to the TV,
which you do every night.
Well, you're goin' to camp.
I already paid for it.
No, Nick is there and
he and I are fighting.
Nick? Who the hell is Nick?
He's nobody to me.
Aren't you gonna ask
me about my eye patch?
Haha. Good At Bizness.
- Chirp.
- Fathouse.