Brickleberry s03e11 Episode Script

3x11 - Cops and Bottoms Nice and quiet with no work to do.
Just the way I like it.
It's so boring here.
All my finely tuned crime-fighting skills are going to waste.
Finally, a little action.
Freeze, you piece of shit! I just missed the trash can.
I was about to pick it up.
Shut up, scumbag.
We've got a, uh, 371-261.
You got a litter bug rapist? Oh, a rapist too, huh? Proceeding with extreme prejudice.
Ow, ow, ow! Steve! Ow, ow, ow! Ow! Brickleberry Dad, you busted more criminals in this park than any ranger.
I'll find a way to make you proud, starting now.
Starting now.
Ah, [bleep.]
it.
Gross.
What's that smell? Uh, it's been about five days since I took a shower.
- What? Why? - I'm going to the gyno next week, and I want him to earn his money.
- What happened, Woody? - You been backing up to Glory Holes again? No, I got a goddamn hemorrhoid.
Feels like I'm taking it up the ass from a ginsu knife.
Now it's time once again for dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun the Brickleberry crime report.
This again? I thought my hemorrhoid was a pain in the ass.
There is no crime to report.
Haven't seen that much buildup for a shitty reveal since every M.
Night Shyamalan movie.
It's not my fault nothing ever happens here.
It's a national park.
It's supposed to be boring.
If you want some action, go be a cop.
Maybe I will.
They love me down at the station.
I love you, buddy, but there's no way they'd let you be a cop.
Don't feel bad, Steve.
You're just stupid.
- I am not stupid.
- Oh, yeah? Well, how about the time you "saved us" from the zombie apocalypse? What are you doing? We're filming a TV show, you idiot! Nice try, Woody, but I don't take that form of payment anymore.
- What? - All right, Woody.
Last time, but from now on, you write a check like everyone else.
No, you lunatic, I've got a hemorrhoid.
Hmm, why didn't you say so, Woody? - Nobody likes a cock tease.
- Just hack this thing off.
- It's killing me.
- Sure thing, Woody.
I'll chop this rhoid off faster than you can say - Jesus Christ! - Oh, no, is it that bad? No, you have the face of Jesus Christ on your hemorrhoid.
Oh, no, this episcopalian's not touching that thing.
Don't be silly.
It's just a coincidence.
You got to cut it off for me, doc.
I can't even sit down.
Oh, I would never commit blasphemy, Woody.
Now, go to your goddamn house and sit on the face of Jesus.
So I kicked the door in and emptied my Glock into those two crackheads.
So I guess you didn't read them their rights.
Sure, I did.
Their last rites.
Williams, what the hell are you doing here? I made an arrest.
Sick bastard was shitting in the woods.
- I put him in a holding cell for you.
- Oh, no! I was hoping you guys could put me on a few cases.
Things have been kind of slow at the park.
Oh, sure.
Why don't you go talk to Chief Pierce? He loves it when people interrupt his hobby time.
Thanks for the tip, Briggs.
- Chief Pierce! - Oh! I'm looming here.
Son of a bitch! I want to be a cop, daddy.
Well, son, put your ticket in this raffle, and maybe you will.
Hey, what are you doing? Just filling these out for my kids.
How many kids do you have? My wife's vagina looks like a popped water bed.
Hey, I wasn't done with that.
Ow, ah, ow.
Oh, yeah.
Keep it.
I can't believe that no doctor in town would operate on my mushrooming messiah.
Bunch of religious kooks seeing Jesus everywhere.
Water stains, burnt toast, now my balloon knot.
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Did you find out anything on WebMD with that picture you took of my so called holy hemorrhoid? No, but it's already got 7,000 retweets.
- What?! - Calm down.
I tagged you.
Jesu Christo.
- Let us see him.
- Hey, hey! What are you doing, lady? You can't worship my turd gutter! And the winner of our little cop for a day is Steve Williams.
Aw.
- Yeah! Suck it, losers.
- Jesus Christ.
All right.
Everybody give little Officer Williams a warm welcome.
Boo! Thank you.
It's an honor.
Briggs, cut it out.
Just for that, Williams will be your partner for the day.
- Yeah, but but, chief.
- Briggs! - That's an order.
- Come on, partner.
Let's go fight some crime.
- Tell me who you work for.
- Let me handle this.
What? I thought we were playing good cop/gay cop.
I can break him.
Whoo-hoo! No rubbers, no duct tape, no roofies? What kind of rape kit is this? Hmm, what is that? Jesus! Jesus! Please, bless my sick child.
I haven't seen this many screaming Mexicans - since bus passes went up.
- This is your fault, Malloy.
Why don't you just show it to them? No, there's no way I'm showing my disgusting hemorrhoid to anybody.
I bought this cream to shrink the bastard.
Oh, Jesu Christo.
Dios mio.
Dios mio.
Jesu Christo.
Dios mio.
Jesu Christo.
God damn it! Just a little blessing.
That's it! I'm gonna saw this thing off myself.
- Don't do that, my son.
- Huh? - Who said that? - It is I, Jesus.
Now, I want you to show my face to the people.
Spread the word by spreading your cheeks.
Whatsoever thou sayeth, my lord.
Thank you, Jesus voice app lite version.
Where my hos at? - Shouldn't we check that out? - Not if you want to live, rookie.
No cop has ever been able to take down the Satan's BFFs.
- So you're afraid of those guys? - Watch your mouth, Williams! I'm the toughest cop on the force.
If I wasn't, you think chief would've given me this? Whoa.
Oh, man.
I've only got ten more minutes as a cop.
I want to do something cool.
I've got the perfect last assignment for you, Williams.
Eh, go buy me a coffee and a hot dog.
Stupid Briggs.
Hey! - Cool ski mask.
- Hands up, pig! Holy crap! Briggs, you taking a nap? I just got an urgent text from my fat wife, who I love very, very much.
She's in that store being held hostage.
Either that or she smelled sausage.
It's hard for her to text with her fat [bleep.]
fingers.
What? I just sent Williams in there.
Williams? Somebody call the funeral home.
Tell 'em to get a king-sized casket and a tub of butter to squeeze her fat ass in there.
Better cancel that order, chief.
Williams, my fat wife you saved her.
Thank god.
Glad I could do something right during my last few minutes as a cop.
Williams, you have got a job on the Hazelhurst P.
D.
as long as you want it.
Ooh, I get so horny watching her eat.
Eww.
I'd like to thank Steve Williams for his act of bravery.
This man saved my fat wife, who seems to be in a sugar coma after wiping out our doughnuts.
And so it gives me great pleasure to name Steve Williams our new top cop.
- But I'm the top cop.
- Give me the bracelet, Briggs.
The brace Give me the bracelet, Briggs! What an honor.
My dad would be so proud.
Steve, I have to say that we're impressed.
By your accomplishment, not by your bracelet.
Yeah, that's super gay.
We're gonna miss you at the park, man.
I'd say the same, but top cop doesn't have time for human emotions.
Multiple shots fired at Satan's BFFs motor club.
Possible 187.
This sounds like a job for our new top cop, unless you're scared of a few bikers.
No.
Officer Williams will get the 411 on that 187.
I'm not afraid to 69 a couple of bikers.
Police talk.
Don't drop that beautiful fat bitch.
She's my soul mate.
Behold, the almighty in my tighty-whities.
Santa Maria! Attention, weak-minded sheep.
Don't forget to buy your Jeez-Ass t-shirts and lunch boxes.
Thousands of people, mostly Mexicans, have made the pilgrimage to see this holy hemorrhoid, what some, mostly Mexicans, are calling a modern-day miracle.
People are flocking to see it, your excellency.
Bring him to me.
What is that? Oh, you like it? Cafe press.
Here, I got you a mouse pad and an altar boy love doll.
Excuse me.
I got a disturbance call about a possible murder? I just came to say it's okay.
We forgive you.
Bye.
You know what happened to the last cops that came in here? How would your mother feel about this mindless killing? Why don't you ask her? I know what we should do to this cop.
- Jerk him off.
- What the [bleep.]
, Rodney? - Why would we do that? - To teach him a lesson.
What lesson? That Satan's BFFs give handjobs to every dude that comes in here? - So we're on the same page? - Shut up, Rodney! We're gonna give this guy a dirt slide ride.
Hey, that sounds fun! This isn't fun.
Wait, wait, stop, stop.
It's important.
- What's so important? - I-I need to run to my car for a second.
I forgot to set the parking brake.
Yeah, we're not gonna fall for that.
We're gonna murder you, pig! Where'd he go? I don't mean to be an asshole, but this wouldn't have happened if we'd went with plan J-O.
Looking great.
That'll be 50 bucks and all of your self-respect.
I'm not worthy to look upon your face.
I love you, Jesus! Mwah.
You must be the prophet, Woody Johnson.
Yup, doing God's work here.
I've been sent here by his holiness, the Pope.
The pontiff wants to verify your hemorrhoid as a true miracle.
He requests that you come with me - to the Vatican at once.
- Did you hear that, Malloy? We're going to the Vatican to meet the Pope.
I'm not sure that's a good idea.
Haven't you ever read any of those horrible - Dan Brown novels? - Don't be silly.
It's a great idea.
- Hey, Cardinal, how are we getting there? - To the pope jet.
The Pope will meet you first thing in the morning for the vetting process.
If everything goes well, your hemorrhoid will be verified as a true miracle.
And what happens if it's not? Well, according to biblical law, a false witness who breathes out lies must be punished.
- Oh, shit.
- I'm not worried, 'cause this 100% real, right, Malloy? As real as every story in the Bible.
As guests of his excellency, I urge you to make yourselves at home.
What are you doing? Oh, I just noticed that your ceiling needed some restoration.
Holy crap, the Ark of the Covenant.
Watch this, Malloy.
Hey, you! Got him.
- They'll never find me here.
- Who won't find you? Quick, call the cops.
- You are the cops! - Oh, yeah.
Briggs, send backup.
These bikers are gonna kill me.
I was hoping they might.
You're on your own, "top cop.
" Don't worry, baby.
Soon you'll be back in my sweet, sweet ass.
- You blew up our clubhouse.
- And now we're gonna blow you.
God damn it, Rodney! We talked about this.
- We're gonna kill him.
- Then blow him? No! These are some weird-ass [bleep.]
bikers.
Time to die, porky.
Wait, what if I replace your clubhouse? - With what? - How about this place? If you let me live, you can have the ranger station.
Hmm, nice Feng Shui.
Open concept, exposed brick.
You got a deal.
I guess the piggy gets to live another day, But he still needs to learn a lesson.
Where'd he go? - I'm teaching him a lesson, boss.
- It's a good one! Yeah! Yeah, yeah! Well, you wanted more crime in the park.
- You got it, Steve.
- Sorry, guys.
This is all my fault.
Maybe we should just find a new park to work at.
- I hear Six Flags is hiring.
- Oh, don't be a pussy, Steve.
What would your dad say? Yeah, Steve, this park is our jurisdiction.
- We're the cops here.
- Yeah, and it's up to us to bust them! Ooh, I'm so excited to meet the Pope, Malloy.
- Malloy? - Woody, my son.
Oh, hey, what up, Jesus? When you meet the Pope today, there's a chance he may lock you up and throw away the key.
- Why would he do that? - That's not important.
Just remember to tell them that your bear cub had nothing to do with this scheme.
Scheme? What scheme? - Over and out, my son.
- Malloy! You tricked me.
This whole thing is a lie? Holy shit.
The Pope will probably send us to Vatican prison! We got to get out of here! His excellency will see you now.
What the hell is Renee Zellweger doing here? Hey! That's my dad.
Give that back! I should've known I couldn't be a cop.
I'm sorry I couldn't make you proud, Dad.
You make me proud every day, son.
Dad? You're a Brickleberry ranger just like I was.
What more could a father ask? Didn't you ever get bored here? If I did, I'd just go behind a bush and masturbate.
Okay.
Son, be proud of yourself and what you are, a Brickleberry Park ranger.
Now, get out there and take your park back, and if you need me, I'll be jacking off behind that bush.
Yes, sir.
I was wrong for not appreciating my job.
Sure, being a park ranger can be boring and lame and put you at a high risk for lyme disease.
- Now you got me wanting to quit! - Oh, sorry.
Fog brain.
You know I have lyme disease.
Now, I've got a plan to get these a-holes out of our park! Sorry, I was zoning out.
I have lyme disease.
We know! We all got lyme disease! It's a good thing Ethel kept that sign from middle school.
I must have a secret admirer who remembered my birthday.
A cube of wolves, my only fear! Are you sure this will work? Yeah, you've been wearing them for ten straight days.
Feels like my lungs are melting.
Greetings, my son.
I have heard a lot about you.
Uh, Mr.
Pope, sir, I got something to confess.
This thing, hemorrhoid Jesus, it's not real.
- I know that.
- You do? - How? - Because none of it's real.
Religion's all a made-up fairy tale.
Well, if it's all made up, what's the point of the church? Money.
It's always been about money.
- # Money, money # - # yeah # - # money, money # - # uh-huh # - # money, money, huh # - # what? # - # money, money, uh # - # yeah # - # money, money, muh # - # what? # - # money, money, huh, uh, huh # - # get down # And the Pope gets really angry when some punk bitch steals what's his.
- I'd never do that.
- Oh, you did do that.
Catholics, mostly Mexicans, are flocking to see your hemorrhoid instead of going to church, And less church attendance is less money.
And you know what happens to people who screw with the Pope's money? Slap on the wrist with a flimsy ruler? They die.
Could you sign this for my niece? She's half Mexican.
I guess I'll take these guys down to the police station.
Not so fast, Williams.
I'll be the one taking these lowlifes in.
Taking down the Satan's BFFs will impress the chief so much he'll make me top cop again.
We'll tell the chief you had nothing to do with it.
No, you won't, because I'm gonna put a bullet in all of you.
I'll just say the bikers did it.
Sorry I'm late.
I Hey.
Whose panties are these? Uh-oh! All right, time to waste these guys.
- Freeze! FBI! - No, you freeze.
DEA.
- Everybody freeze.
ATF.
- Damn, is anybody else here undercover? So was anybody here a real biker? So for the past ten years, we've all been doing angel dust and murdering people, trying not to blow our cover, and nobody here is a criminal?! Technically I guess he is.
He's kind of a dirty cop.
Steve, be careful out there.
You're lucky you weren't dealing with real bikers.
Yeah, real bikers wouldn't have stopped at a handjob and a little sucking.
Good advice.
What are you guys gonna do now? Well, I guess we can all go back to our normal lives.
- Anyone know a good methadone clinic? - Is Denzel okay? What happened? Where am I? Ooh, panties.
Uh-oh! Okay, first your hemorrhoid, then your throat.
It's beautiful.
Holy crap! I killed the Pope! I gotta tweet this.
Thanks belong to you for taking down that crap Pope, my son.
- Oh, cut it out, Malloy! - It wasn't me.
Stand over a mirror, so I might gaze upon your face.
Woody, for this great work you did, you'll be revarded by eternity in hell.
"Hell?" Why want you send me to hell, Jesus? I'm not Jesus.
I'm Satan! I will vanquish this devil! Oh, Jesus.
Ahh, yeah