Casual (2015) s03e11 Episode Script
Firesale
1 ALEX: Previously, on "Casual" I can't feed you, I can't house you.
I don't even know where I'm sleeping at.
- But I want to help.
- Help here.
I mean, there's Skid Row, immigration, housing But I want to help you.
We should do this every day, right? What, the crossword? [laughs.]
At least until the construction stops.
Did you have these made before I got here? No.
CLARK: You're sad.
Why are you sad? My friend moved away.
Do you love her? So, Jack and I went to Fresno.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Met Rich and his family.
They're sweet.
I'm sorry, who's Rich? VALERIE: He's my half-brother.
I don't know I don't know what my fucking problem is.
[heavy breathing.]
BOTH: [laughing.]
Totally overrated.
LEIA: Absolutely 100% properly rated.
They're like every other family.
Like like the Osbournes.
- That's slander.
- And the inbreeding? BOTH: [laugh.]
There's got to be a lot of inbreeding.
No, not anymore, and also, no one wears a lace dress like Kate Middleton.
- That I will concede.
- Thank you.
[phone buzzing.]
- LEON: Oh.
[Clears throat.]
- Have you seen "Fun Home"? It's a vibrant musical.
"Hamilton" before "Hamilton.
" LEIA: Oh, I'd love to see "Hamilton.
" - [phone buzzing.]
- Um, sorry, can you excuse me just one [keys clicking.]
Is everything okay? Leon I want you to know these last few months have been wonderful.
They've been surprising, and tender, and intimate.
They've been perfect.
Exactly.
And perfect is scary for me.
[sighs.]
My dad's a fuckup, and the rest of my family's, like Let's just say Perfect isn't me.
Okay.
But I want it to be.
They say that your ideal partner is someone that you would be okay with if everyone else in the world died.
And I really hope that doesn't happen, but if it does, and there's, like, a terrible disease, or, like, a solar flare or something, that leads to a mass extinction, and somehow just the two of us are the only ones left alive, I think I'd be okay.
Relatively.
You make my heart burst when you walk into a room.
Will you walk into every room with me? Will you marry me? - [sobs.]
- Is that a yes? My mom always said to get verbal confirmation.
Yes.
[applause.]
[laughing.]
[applause.]
[cheers and applause.]
[panting.]
Yes? [laughs.]
Yes.
Very much yes.
Good.
I'll make breakfast.
No, I have to pick up Clark.
- Oh.
- You still have that son? Oh, you know, I thought about getting rid of him, but the tax credits are RAE: [screaming.]
Oh, my God.
Look.
Leon's engaged.
Holy fucking fuck.
- You text with Leon? - Oh, my God.
It's perfect.
Leia and Leon.
So alliterative.
Who's Leia? Val's assistant.
With her cat.
Jesus, you don't care.
Leon wants to get coffee later.
You don't think oh, my God.
You think he wants me to be the best man? Alex, I'm naked, and I need to go and get my son.
Right.
Rae, bye.
- Mm.
- Thank you.
- Sorry.
- That's okay.
RAE: I'm just so excited.
Is it a green card thing? No, it's love, actually.
And this has been going on for - Seven weeks.
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.
- [giggling.]
- Leia! - I know it seems fast, but sometimes you just know, you know? He's my person.
My survival partner.
Will you be a bridesmaid? I I've never been a bridesmaid.
Well, I'd like you to be mine.
- Well, I'd be really honored.
- Yay! Okay, I'm sharing your info with my sisters.
They're hosting an engagement fête for us tomorrow.
I thought you only had one sister.
Biologically, yes, but she's addicted to methamphetamines.
These are my Delta Sig sisters.
They can be kind of much, but you know what they say: You can't choose your family.
But you did choose them.
No, they chose me.
Leia! [screams.]
ALEX: Hey, this is Alex.
Leave a message.
Or don't.
I'll look at my call log and decide whether or not to call you back.
[Beeps.]
Did you hear? Okay.
You must have heard.
I mean, Alex, this is crazy.
Did you know about any of this? And now I'm a I'm a bridesmaid.
Oh, my God.
Call me.
[sighs.]
[phone buzzing.]
Oh, fuck me.
My friend was supposed to come with me, but, she got roped up in some work shit, and so now I'm out a copilot.
I thought you weren't supposed to go to strangers' houses you meet on Craigslist.
Safety's ideal, but it's not - an actual thing.
- Right.
Also, Pep Boys is walking distance.
Fuckers tried to upsell me, though.
Brakes, shocks, filters.
Like, bro.
Oil change.
Oil.
Grease it up and let's go.
Sexism, right? - Pussy grabs back.
- Damn right it does.
So why you going to Sac-to? - Volunteering.
- Trust fund kid? No, just upwardly mobile.
So you're leaving tomorrow? At the stroke of midnight.
I drive on a lunar schedule on account of my vampire blood.
And I fucking hate traffic.
I'll just need a hundo for gas and tolls.
That much? Is that a problem? No, not at all.
Leon.
Leon! Hello! Hey.
[sighs.]
Congratulations, man.
I'm a little surprised I mean, I'm a lot of surprised.
Why didn't you say anything? Also, what are you thinking for the bachelor party? I hear Cartagena is amazing now that it's not overrun by cartels we can finally get that cocaine.
- About that - I'm kidding.
I'm just kidding.
Seriously, that's amazing.
And speech-wise, what are you expecting? Jokey? Sentimental? I mean, I suppose a good speech - does a little of both - Alex.
You're not my best man.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm happy just to be a groomsman.
I'm not a groomsman? It'll be a small wedding party.
- I introduced you to Leia.
- Valerie introduced me to I introduced you to Valerie.
No, you didn't.
- That Aussie guy? - That the best man? Ryan.
Yes.
Oh, man.
This must be what girls felt like in middle school.
You're a friend.
A good friend.
Please don't take this the wrong way.
Yeah, no.
Of course not.
We're having an engagement party tomorrow.
Um, it would be good to have you there.
Nice, yeah.
Cool.
Schedule permitting, but sure.
Oh.
Blowing up.
Ah, shit.
Office needs me.
I got to run.
Uh, congrats, man.
Seriously.
So happy for you.
Never join a sorority.
- Duly noted.
- Do you have a Bitmoji? 'Cause what is the point? What, of a slightly more attractive, Anglicized avatar that takes funny shit from gay culture and makes it our own? Yas, Queen.
And look, don't their faces look eating disorder-y? What's with that? What are you doing here? Getting back into photography? Uh, yeah, you could say that.
I call this one "Still Life With Table.
" [phone dings.]
VALERIE: Oh, good.
"Get it, gurl!" Oh, my God.
Oh, Jesus.
[doorbell rings.]
- Oh.
- Hey.
I brought ice cream.
- Hi.
- Leon and Leia are having an engagement party later.
I know it's short notice, but if you feel like celebrating the love of two near strangers, then the invite's on the table.
Could be hard for me to get a sitter.
We only need to make a cameo.
You gonna get spoons, or should I eat with my hands? I am not above eating with my hands.
Clark's gonna be here any minute.
Right.
I got mint chip.
He loves mint chip, I think.
He does love mint chip, and so do I, but I don't think it's time for him to eat mint chip with the two of us together.
Especially when the mint chip shows up unannounced.
Oh.
Of course.
Yes, that makes sense.
Um If I don't put him first right now, he won't call me when he gets to college, and Yep.
Right.
Keep that for the two of you.
One's enough for me.
- Thank you, Alex.
- Uh-huh.
JACK: No, no, Randy Brown was New Mexico State.
Luc Longley was New Mexico.
And Luc Longley named a species of shrimp.
Yeah, he's a big shrimper, Luc Longley.
I have no idea.
[Laughs.]
Okay, yeah I got to go, but let's continue this conversation tomorrow at length.
Okay.
Bye.
Hi.
- Hi.
- What's up? Well, my stomach won the war against my brain and it's seeking reparations, so how do you feel about tacos? Oh, shit, I kind of just ate with some guys from work.
You just kind of ate? I ate a cheeseburger to completion.
I thought we were gonna eat together.
JACK: Well, you should have texted me, I would have.
Well, why didn't you text me? 'Cause I would have gladly eaten a cheeseburger.
I will next time.
Sorry.
That's fine, I'm just gonna I'll eat an appeasement yogurt.
What do you want to do tonight? We have plans? You're here, aren't you? We could watch movies.
Hang out on the couch? Okay.
Are you mad at me? No, it's no, it's just these bridesmaids.
I mean, they want me to pick up mason jars and mini-pies.
It's like a Pinterest-sponsored shakedown.
- Mini-pies? - Yeah.
And Alex still hasn't called me back.
- Which is just - Well, that Is maybe a good thing.
Maybe he's finally jumping off the codependency carousel.
[snapping fingers.]
Have you seen my running shoes? She has a kid, dumbass.
You can't just show up uninvited.
I was reeling.
Leon and I have a one-sided friendship, yes, but that's inevitable because he never asks anything of me.
He's a saint, Saint Leon, and I can't be held to the standards of Sainthood.
Why do you think he didn't tell you about Leia? I don't know, maybe he thought I wouldn't approve.
Or he was nervous.
Or racial politics.
He told me a month ago.
When I asked about his life.
- Oh.
- When I moved from Brooklyn, all my friends were like so pumped that I was manifesting my destiny, right? Well, when I packed my U-Haul to go, only my best friend Julia showed up.
Never even had to ask.
When you really care about somebody, you pack the U-Haul.
- Hey.
- VALERIE: [gasps.]
Yay.
Wow, you must be the only antique store with a personal delivery service, huh? - You'd be surprised.
- Huh.
Hmm.
Nice office.
- Very generic.
- Thank you.
Actually, I killed my therapist and took over the space, so I'm still just kind of finding my way around here.
- She probably deserved it.
- I got a random question.
You ever leave your shoes on a bed? - No.
- Right? Because the sanctity of the bed cannot be muddied by shoes.
I had an ex who wore a mouth guard to bed.
- She left that shit everywhere.
- Eww.
Yeah, no, my problem is more clothes.
Just leaves them around for me to find like little sweaty prizes.
You're already living together? No, but he's half moved-in, so I can't ask him to leave now.
Why not? Then he'll go to a hotel, and I'll freak out that I kicked him off the wagon.
Right, totally, so instead, you just let him define the relationship on his terms.
- I get it.
- No.
I am supporting his recovery in whatever way is necessary.
- Convincing.
- Oh, shut up.
Forget it, what do I know? I'm I'm just the jar guy.
Wait, that's what you are.
Yes, you're the oh, you're the jar guy.
Um, I do have to go to a braid bar, because nothing says "nuptials" like adult women in braids.
Maybe they could braid you a noose.
Oh, yes, just [gagging.]
- [laughs.]
- Thank you.
Uh, that's a good camera.
It's a piece of junk.
Well, maybe you could buy it anyway.
I'm just a young girl, a young girl with dreams.
Yeah? What dreams? World peace? [sighs.]
$200 for the lot.
$200? No, I need at least $500.
Honey, this is a fire sale.
I know desperation when I see it.
It's a buyer's market.
$450? How about I give you $500 for the table? It's worth at least $2,000.
No, it's worth what someone's willing to pay for it.
Which, at the moment, is $500.
Table's not for sale.
Okay.
$200 for the lot.
Take it or leave it.
Take it.
ALEX: The sound bothering you? I can't do anything to quiet it, but I am inquiring about your perspective.
Oh.
I'm fine, but thank you.
Yeah.
Hey.
That's a really great burned head.
[growls.]
Yeah.
[Laughs.]
Yeah, I mean it.
[doorbell rings.]
Oh.
Hi.
Did we have plans? Is that how you greet your only daughter? Oh! Hi! Do we have plans! Yes, a little forced, but better.
How much do you need? No.
I'm not that kid.
Tell me I'm not that kid.
- How'd you know? - Teenager shows up unannounced on her divorced dad's doorstep? That's a classic.
Yeah, so is depressed single dad day-drinking.
[sighs.]
I've missed you.
[laughs.]
ALEX: I can't pretend I wasn't hurt by groomsman-gate.
But a truth was revealed, as with all great gates.
[coughs.]
I know the friendship between us is at times tipped.
So, I wanted to give you this.
A bedroom? It's an office.
Yeah.
See? Desk and everything? Rae said they're doing construction at your place, so you've been working at a coffee shop.
And I thought, why not work here, rent-free? I I don't know what to say.
Say yes.
Say no.
Say whatever you want.
It's your decision, and I will respect it either way.
The baristas think I'm a screenwriter.
They keep pitching themselves for roles.
But you're a composer.
- I am a composer.
- [laughs.]
So you can let yourself in.
All right, tell me about this engagement.
Did you get down on one knee? Actually, Leia proposed to me.
Le-on! Let me see that ring.
I mean, clearly my priorities were wrong.
I spent all summer thank you going door to door and speaking at city council meetings to hold billionaire oil companies accountable, and I should have just been a sandwich artist.
They didn't pay you? Organized labor will enjoy a nice footnote of history.
[sighs.]
How much is half? $2,000? $2,250.
But my body will be pristine again, and I promise not to have another crisis for at least a month.
I don't believe you, but still, I pay.
That's called faith.
Oh, hi.
You didn't tell me that Laura was coming by.
I think I might have only gotten enough for two, - but I can go back and - No.
It's fine.
I don't think she wants to suffer through a full meal with us.
No, you guys enjoy.
[phone ringing.]
Hi.
An apology aloe was unnecessary.
ALEX: Thought it was more discrete than roses.
- [laughs.]
- I'm sorry about yesterday.
[sighs.]
Thank you.
ALEX: And don't worry about that engagement party.
It's an open bar, so I'll just drink until I'm numb enough to dance.
Now you tell me you can dance? ALEX: Well, I don't, really.
It's more moving my limbs indiscriminately to rhythm.
Well, I could maybe get away for a couple hours.
- Yeah? - But you have to dance for me.
[laughs.]
Absolutely not.
Okay.
Bye.
[chuckles.]
[sighs.]
[sighs.]
[phone dialing.]
ALEX: Hey, this is Alex.
Leave a message.
Someone's been reading Goop.
Why didn't you fix this? I haven't had time.
You don't have a job.
All you have is time.
- Actually - Buckets and buckets of time.
- It's just a table.
- That's not the point.
All I ask is that you take responsibility.
I let you do whatever you want.
Can you please just fix the table? Fine.
Thank you.
Awh [groans.]
Ow.
- Don't start.
- No, you look beautiful, - by the way.
- Yeah.
I love it.
It's like DNA.
- Mm.
- The building blocks of life.
Great.
I think I left my iPad back here.
Hey.
What's this? Champagne for the love birds.
Oh.
- That's thoughtful.
- Well, it's a party, right? With food, by the way? 'Cause I'm starving.
- Mm.
- Want some cheeseburgers.
Tacos.
Mini-pies.
And don't worry about Alex, okay? He probably just got distracted by a shiny object.
[chuckles.]
Thank you.
[indistinct chatter.]
Oh, my God.
I mean, sorority girls do not fuck around.
That's a lot of purple loofahs.
- Hi.
- These take-home loofahs? - Can we, uh - [laughs.]
This should be a ride at Disneyland.
[laughs.]
I feel this is all Leon.
- Should we get some Champagne? - Yeah.
ALEX: I went a little heavy JUDY: You have something on your tie.
- Just kidding.
Hi! - Hi.
I love your dress.
- It matches everything.
- Doesn't it? I'm like a chameleon who's infiltrating a wasp nest.
- Hi, Val.
- Hey, Alex.
- Hi.
- Jack.
Been too long.
I know, I miss you.
Legit miss you.
- I I can't sleep at night.
- We got to get the eggs together and make some barbecue babies.
- Thank you for saying that.
- Are they cheating on us? - Sure feels that way.
- Does, kind of.
- Ah! Hi! - Hey! - Hey.
Whoa.
Hey.
- Hi.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- All right.
LEIA: Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, guys, um, Judy.
- Hi.
- Leon, Leia.
- Hey.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you guys.
- Best wishes.
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
ALEX: You've heard a lot about one another.
- This is great.
- JACK: This is so great.
- It is great.
- Yeah! And you know, we would never have happened if it wasn't for you.
Well, I come on, I Hey, this calls for a toast.
This calls for many toasts.
- To Leon and Leia - And Valerie.
Without whom none of us would be here.
ALL: Cheers.
I thought you couldn't part with it.
It's a fucking table.
Mom's gonna be pissed.
Do you want it or not? Grab an end.
- Look.
- [laughter.]
Thank you for coming with me.
You said there was an open bar.
- And how about this? - What? - Indiscriminate arm movement.
- Wow! - That was not indiscriminate.
- It was not.
They replenished the mini-pies.
- Mm-hmm.
- Bring me some.
- Strawberry rhubarb? - Curate a selection.
Right.
[Sighs.]
- All right.
Hey.
- Hey.
Stop ignoring me.
What? I'm not.
I left you an actual voicemail.
Okay, yeah.
What do you want me to tell you? Judy's been around a lot.
I haven't really had time to talk.
Oh, okay, so that's what we're gonna do from now on? Just like a monthly dinner, some text messages? This is what you wanted.
And you know what? You were right.
You and Jack are happy.
Me and Judy are happy.
Everything's working out.
So, just try to have a good time.
JACK: [singing.]
- Did you see that? - What? - You missed it? - Oh, no.
Oh, I executed a perfect Electric Slide.
I think it was an Electric Slide, I don't know.
It was biblical.
The Red Sea parted.
- I slid right through.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- I'm so happy for you though.
- Thank you.
Thank you for that.
I appreciate that.
I'm gonna go back out here.
Join me? I feel an impending Macarena coming on.
Uh, let me think about it for a second.
JACK: You sure? I'm very mediocre at dancing.
Have fun.
[glass clinking.]
RYAN: Leon's always been the kind of bloke to console you during a break-up, to throw back a stubbie with you when you're feeling blue, and to hold your hair back when you're just a little too pissed.
- We get it.
You're Australian.
- I'm so gonna fuck him later.
RYAN: You know, I never thought I'd meet a gal good enough for my mate Leon, but as usual - Hi.
- Let's go.
RYAN: I was wrong.
- Where? RYAN: Now, if you two weren't so bloody decent, - Val, wait.
- RYAN: I'd hate you both.
- [laughter.]
But I love you, and I can't believe that this wonderful dream is becoming a reality.
ALL: Aww! - What? No, no.
- Wait, wait.
What? - What? - What? Come on.
Let's go to the bathroom.
- No.
- Fine.
- Let's go to my house.
- Now? - [sighs.]
- Just Can we listen to the toasts? You're only there for me when it's on your terms.
What? What? Why are you being crazy right now? We're at a party for your friends.
Can we just have a nice evening? About Ryan's speech.
Little heavy on the outback, but it played.
Pathos and humor.
You chose well.
And I am grateful to be a part of this in whatever way you'll have me.
So just say the word, and I'm here to help.
Well, we do need someone to oversee the ceremony.
- You mean an officiant? - Darling, that Oh, my God.
Wow.
Yes, I'd be honored.
I can't believe it.
When's the wedding? - Oh, we were thinking Easter.
- In London.
London! Wait, hey.
Easter is spring break, right? We can show Clark London.
- Uh - Big Ben.
West End.
Hogwarts.
The Royals? Yeah.
[phone dialing.]
VALERIE: Hi, this is Valerie.
I'm not here right now.
Please leave a message.
["The World's A Mess; It's In My Kiss" by X plays on car radio.]
¿Quieres? I'm good.
[music plays louder.]
Whoo! Yeah.
["The World's A Mess; It's In My Kiss" by X continues playing.]
I don't even know where I'm sleeping at.
- But I want to help.
- Help here.
I mean, there's Skid Row, immigration, housing But I want to help you.
We should do this every day, right? What, the crossword? [laughs.]
At least until the construction stops.
Did you have these made before I got here? No.
CLARK: You're sad.
Why are you sad? My friend moved away.
Do you love her? So, Jack and I went to Fresno.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Met Rich and his family.
They're sweet.
I'm sorry, who's Rich? VALERIE: He's my half-brother.
I don't know I don't know what my fucking problem is.
[heavy breathing.]
BOTH: [laughing.]
Totally overrated.
LEIA: Absolutely 100% properly rated.
They're like every other family.
Like like the Osbournes.
- That's slander.
- And the inbreeding? BOTH: [laugh.]
There's got to be a lot of inbreeding.
No, not anymore, and also, no one wears a lace dress like Kate Middleton.
- That I will concede.
- Thank you.
[phone buzzing.]
- LEON: Oh.
[Clears throat.]
- Have you seen "Fun Home"? It's a vibrant musical.
"Hamilton" before "Hamilton.
" LEIA: Oh, I'd love to see "Hamilton.
" - [phone buzzing.]
- Um, sorry, can you excuse me just one [keys clicking.]
Is everything okay? Leon I want you to know these last few months have been wonderful.
They've been surprising, and tender, and intimate.
They've been perfect.
Exactly.
And perfect is scary for me.
[sighs.]
My dad's a fuckup, and the rest of my family's, like Let's just say Perfect isn't me.
Okay.
But I want it to be.
They say that your ideal partner is someone that you would be okay with if everyone else in the world died.
And I really hope that doesn't happen, but if it does, and there's, like, a terrible disease, or, like, a solar flare or something, that leads to a mass extinction, and somehow just the two of us are the only ones left alive, I think I'd be okay.
Relatively.
You make my heart burst when you walk into a room.
Will you walk into every room with me? Will you marry me? - [sobs.]
- Is that a yes? My mom always said to get verbal confirmation.
Yes.
[applause.]
[laughing.]
[applause.]
[cheers and applause.]
[panting.]
Yes? [laughs.]
Yes.
Very much yes.
Good.
I'll make breakfast.
No, I have to pick up Clark.
- Oh.
- You still have that son? Oh, you know, I thought about getting rid of him, but the tax credits are RAE: [screaming.]
Oh, my God.
Look.
Leon's engaged.
Holy fucking fuck.
- You text with Leon? - Oh, my God.
It's perfect.
Leia and Leon.
So alliterative.
Who's Leia? Val's assistant.
With her cat.
Jesus, you don't care.
Leon wants to get coffee later.
You don't think oh, my God.
You think he wants me to be the best man? Alex, I'm naked, and I need to go and get my son.
Right.
Rae, bye.
- Mm.
- Thank you.
- Sorry.
- That's okay.
RAE: I'm just so excited.
Is it a green card thing? No, it's love, actually.
And this has been going on for - Seven weeks.
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.
- [giggling.]
- Leia! - I know it seems fast, but sometimes you just know, you know? He's my person.
My survival partner.
Will you be a bridesmaid? I I've never been a bridesmaid.
Well, I'd like you to be mine.
- Well, I'd be really honored.
- Yay! Okay, I'm sharing your info with my sisters.
They're hosting an engagement fête for us tomorrow.
I thought you only had one sister.
Biologically, yes, but she's addicted to methamphetamines.
These are my Delta Sig sisters.
They can be kind of much, but you know what they say: You can't choose your family.
But you did choose them.
No, they chose me.
Leia! [screams.]
ALEX: Hey, this is Alex.
Leave a message.
Or don't.
I'll look at my call log and decide whether or not to call you back.
[Beeps.]
Did you hear? Okay.
You must have heard.
I mean, Alex, this is crazy.
Did you know about any of this? And now I'm a I'm a bridesmaid.
Oh, my God.
Call me.
[sighs.]
[phone buzzing.]
Oh, fuck me.
My friend was supposed to come with me, but, she got roped up in some work shit, and so now I'm out a copilot.
I thought you weren't supposed to go to strangers' houses you meet on Craigslist.
Safety's ideal, but it's not - an actual thing.
- Right.
Also, Pep Boys is walking distance.
Fuckers tried to upsell me, though.
Brakes, shocks, filters.
Like, bro.
Oil change.
Oil.
Grease it up and let's go.
Sexism, right? - Pussy grabs back.
- Damn right it does.
So why you going to Sac-to? - Volunteering.
- Trust fund kid? No, just upwardly mobile.
So you're leaving tomorrow? At the stroke of midnight.
I drive on a lunar schedule on account of my vampire blood.
And I fucking hate traffic.
I'll just need a hundo for gas and tolls.
That much? Is that a problem? No, not at all.
Leon.
Leon! Hello! Hey.
[sighs.]
Congratulations, man.
I'm a little surprised I mean, I'm a lot of surprised.
Why didn't you say anything? Also, what are you thinking for the bachelor party? I hear Cartagena is amazing now that it's not overrun by cartels we can finally get that cocaine.
- About that - I'm kidding.
I'm just kidding.
Seriously, that's amazing.
And speech-wise, what are you expecting? Jokey? Sentimental? I mean, I suppose a good speech - does a little of both - Alex.
You're not my best man.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm happy just to be a groomsman.
I'm not a groomsman? It'll be a small wedding party.
- I introduced you to Leia.
- Valerie introduced me to I introduced you to Valerie.
No, you didn't.
- That Aussie guy? - That the best man? Ryan.
Yes.
Oh, man.
This must be what girls felt like in middle school.
You're a friend.
A good friend.
Please don't take this the wrong way.
Yeah, no.
Of course not.
We're having an engagement party tomorrow.
Um, it would be good to have you there.
Nice, yeah.
Cool.
Schedule permitting, but sure.
Oh.
Blowing up.
Ah, shit.
Office needs me.
I got to run.
Uh, congrats, man.
Seriously.
So happy for you.
Never join a sorority.
- Duly noted.
- Do you have a Bitmoji? 'Cause what is the point? What, of a slightly more attractive, Anglicized avatar that takes funny shit from gay culture and makes it our own? Yas, Queen.
And look, don't their faces look eating disorder-y? What's with that? What are you doing here? Getting back into photography? Uh, yeah, you could say that.
I call this one "Still Life With Table.
" [phone dings.]
VALERIE: Oh, good.
"Get it, gurl!" Oh, my God.
Oh, Jesus.
[doorbell rings.]
- Oh.
- Hey.
I brought ice cream.
- Hi.
- Leon and Leia are having an engagement party later.
I know it's short notice, but if you feel like celebrating the love of two near strangers, then the invite's on the table.
Could be hard for me to get a sitter.
We only need to make a cameo.
You gonna get spoons, or should I eat with my hands? I am not above eating with my hands.
Clark's gonna be here any minute.
Right.
I got mint chip.
He loves mint chip, I think.
He does love mint chip, and so do I, but I don't think it's time for him to eat mint chip with the two of us together.
Especially when the mint chip shows up unannounced.
Oh.
Of course.
Yes, that makes sense.
Um If I don't put him first right now, he won't call me when he gets to college, and Yep.
Right.
Keep that for the two of you.
One's enough for me.
- Thank you, Alex.
- Uh-huh.
JACK: No, no, Randy Brown was New Mexico State.
Luc Longley was New Mexico.
And Luc Longley named a species of shrimp.
Yeah, he's a big shrimper, Luc Longley.
I have no idea.
[Laughs.]
Okay, yeah I got to go, but let's continue this conversation tomorrow at length.
Okay.
Bye.
Hi.
- Hi.
- What's up? Well, my stomach won the war against my brain and it's seeking reparations, so how do you feel about tacos? Oh, shit, I kind of just ate with some guys from work.
You just kind of ate? I ate a cheeseburger to completion.
I thought we were gonna eat together.
JACK: Well, you should have texted me, I would have.
Well, why didn't you text me? 'Cause I would have gladly eaten a cheeseburger.
I will next time.
Sorry.
That's fine, I'm just gonna I'll eat an appeasement yogurt.
What do you want to do tonight? We have plans? You're here, aren't you? We could watch movies.
Hang out on the couch? Okay.
Are you mad at me? No, it's no, it's just these bridesmaids.
I mean, they want me to pick up mason jars and mini-pies.
It's like a Pinterest-sponsored shakedown.
- Mini-pies? - Yeah.
And Alex still hasn't called me back.
- Which is just - Well, that Is maybe a good thing.
Maybe he's finally jumping off the codependency carousel.
[snapping fingers.]
Have you seen my running shoes? She has a kid, dumbass.
You can't just show up uninvited.
I was reeling.
Leon and I have a one-sided friendship, yes, but that's inevitable because he never asks anything of me.
He's a saint, Saint Leon, and I can't be held to the standards of Sainthood.
Why do you think he didn't tell you about Leia? I don't know, maybe he thought I wouldn't approve.
Or he was nervous.
Or racial politics.
He told me a month ago.
When I asked about his life.
- Oh.
- When I moved from Brooklyn, all my friends were like so pumped that I was manifesting my destiny, right? Well, when I packed my U-Haul to go, only my best friend Julia showed up.
Never even had to ask.
When you really care about somebody, you pack the U-Haul.
- Hey.
- VALERIE: [gasps.]
Yay.
Wow, you must be the only antique store with a personal delivery service, huh? - You'd be surprised.
- Huh.
Hmm.
Nice office.
- Very generic.
- Thank you.
Actually, I killed my therapist and took over the space, so I'm still just kind of finding my way around here.
- She probably deserved it.
- I got a random question.
You ever leave your shoes on a bed? - No.
- Right? Because the sanctity of the bed cannot be muddied by shoes.
I had an ex who wore a mouth guard to bed.
- She left that shit everywhere.
- Eww.
Yeah, no, my problem is more clothes.
Just leaves them around for me to find like little sweaty prizes.
You're already living together? No, but he's half moved-in, so I can't ask him to leave now.
Why not? Then he'll go to a hotel, and I'll freak out that I kicked him off the wagon.
Right, totally, so instead, you just let him define the relationship on his terms.
- I get it.
- No.
I am supporting his recovery in whatever way is necessary.
- Convincing.
- Oh, shut up.
Forget it, what do I know? I'm I'm just the jar guy.
Wait, that's what you are.
Yes, you're the oh, you're the jar guy.
Um, I do have to go to a braid bar, because nothing says "nuptials" like adult women in braids.
Maybe they could braid you a noose.
Oh, yes, just [gagging.]
- [laughs.]
- Thank you.
Uh, that's a good camera.
It's a piece of junk.
Well, maybe you could buy it anyway.
I'm just a young girl, a young girl with dreams.
Yeah? What dreams? World peace? [sighs.]
$200 for the lot.
$200? No, I need at least $500.
Honey, this is a fire sale.
I know desperation when I see it.
It's a buyer's market.
$450? How about I give you $500 for the table? It's worth at least $2,000.
No, it's worth what someone's willing to pay for it.
Which, at the moment, is $500.
Table's not for sale.
Okay.
$200 for the lot.
Take it or leave it.
Take it.
ALEX: The sound bothering you? I can't do anything to quiet it, but I am inquiring about your perspective.
Oh.
I'm fine, but thank you.
Yeah.
Hey.
That's a really great burned head.
[growls.]
Yeah.
[Laughs.]
Yeah, I mean it.
[doorbell rings.]
Oh.
Hi.
Did we have plans? Is that how you greet your only daughter? Oh! Hi! Do we have plans! Yes, a little forced, but better.
How much do you need? No.
I'm not that kid.
Tell me I'm not that kid.
- How'd you know? - Teenager shows up unannounced on her divorced dad's doorstep? That's a classic.
Yeah, so is depressed single dad day-drinking.
[sighs.]
I've missed you.
[laughs.]
ALEX: I can't pretend I wasn't hurt by groomsman-gate.
But a truth was revealed, as with all great gates.
[coughs.]
I know the friendship between us is at times tipped.
So, I wanted to give you this.
A bedroom? It's an office.
Yeah.
See? Desk and everything? Rae said they're doing construction at your place, so you've been working at a coffee shop.
And I thought, why not work here, rent-free? I I don't know what to say.
Say yes.
Say no.
Say whatever you want.
It's your decision, and I will respect it either way.
The baristas think I'm a screenwriter.
They keep pitching themselves for roles.
But you're a composer.
- I am a composer.
- [laughs.]
So you can let yourself in.
All right, tell me about this engagement.
Did you get down on one knee? Actually, Leia proposed to me.
Le-on! Let me see that ring.
I mean, clearly my priorities were wrong.
I spent all summer thank you going door to door and speaking at city council meetings to hold billionaire oil companies accountable, and I should have just been a sandwich artist.
They didn't pay you? Organized labor will enjoy a nice footnote of history.
[sighs.]
How much is half? $2,000? $2,250.
But my body will be pristine again, and I promise not to have another crisis for at least a month.
I don't believe you, but still, I pay.
That's called faith.
Oh, hi.
You didn't tell me that Laura was coming by.
I think I might have only gotten enough for two, - but I can go back and - No.
It's fine.
I don't think she wants to suffer through a full meal with us.
No, you guys enjoy.
[phone ringing.]
Hi.
An apology aloe was unnecessary.
ALEX: Thought it was more discrete than roses.
- [laughs.]
- I'm sorry about yesterday.
[sighs.]
Thank you.
ALEX: And don't worry about that engagement party.
It's an open bar, so I'll just drink until I'm numb enough to dance.
Now you tell me you can dance? ALEX: Well, I don't, really.
It's more moving my limbs indiscriminately to rhythm.
Well, I could maybe get away for a couple hours.
- Yeah? - But you have to dance for me.
[laughs.]
Absolutely not.
Okay.
Bye.
[chuckles.]
[sighs.]
[sighs.]
[phone dialing.]
ALEX: Hey, this is Alex.
Leave a message.
Someone's been reading Goop.
Why didn't you fix this? I haven't had time.
You don't have a job.
All you have is time.
- Actually - Buckets and buckets of time.
- It's just a table.
- That's not the point.
All I ask is that you take responsibility.
I let you do whatever you want.
Can you please just fix the table? Fine.
Thank you.
Awh [groans.]
Ow.
- Don't start.
- No, you look beautiful, - by the way.
- Yeah.
I love it.
It's like DNA.
- Mm.
- The building blocks of life.
Great.
I think I left my iPad back here.
Hey.
What's this? Champagne for the love birds.
Oh.
- That's thoughtful.
- Well, it's a party, right? With food, by the way? 'Cause I'm starving.
- Mm.
- Want some cheeseburgers.
Tacos.
Mini-pies.
And don't worry about Alex, okay? He probably just got distracted by a shiny object.
[chuckles.]
Thank you.
[indistinct chatter.]
Oh, my God.
I mean, sorority girls do not fuck around.
That's a lot of purple loofahs.
- Hi.
- These take-home loofahs? - Can we, uh - [laughs.]
This should be a ride at Disneyland.
[laughs.]
I feel this is all Leon.
- Should we get some Champagne? - Yeah.
ALEX: I went a little heavy JUDY: You have something on your tie.
- Just kidding.
Hi! - Hi.
I love your dress.
- It matches everything.
- Doesn't it? I'm like a chameleon who's infiltrating a wasp nest.
- Hi, Val.
- Hey, Alex.
- Hi.
- Jack.
Been too long.
I know, I miss you.
Legit miss you.
- I I can't sleep at night.
- We got to get the eggs together and make some barbecue babies.
- Thank you for saying that.
- Are they cheating on us? - Sure feels that way.
- Does, kind of.
- Ah! Hi! - Hey! - Hey.
Whoa.
Hey.
- Hi.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- All right.
LEIA: Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, guys, um, Judy.
- Hi.
- Leon, Leia.
- Hey.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you guys.
- Best wishes.
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
ALEX: You've heard a lot about one another.
- This is great.
- JACK: This is so great.
- It is great.
- Yeah! And you know, we would never have happened if it wasn't for you.
Well, I come on, I Hey, this calls for a toast.
This calls for many toasts.
- To Leon and Leia - And Valerie.
Without whom none of us would be here.
ALL: Cheers.
I thought you couldn't part with it.
It's a fucking table.
Mom's gonna be pissed.
Do you want it or not? Grab an end.
- Look.
- [laughter.]
Thank you for coming with me.
You said there was an open bar.
- And how about this? - What? - Indiscriminate arm movement.
- Wow! - That was not indiscriminate.
- It was not.
They replenished the mini-pies.
- Mm-hmm.
- Bring me some.
- Strawberry rhubarb? - Curate a selection.
Right.
[Sighs.]
- All right.
Hey.
- Hey.
Stop ignoring me.
What? I'm not.
I left you an actual voicemail.
Okay, yeah.
What do you want me to tell you? Judy's been around a lot.
I haven't really had time to talk.
Oh, okay, so that's what we're gonna do from now on? Just like a monthly dinner, some text messages? This is what you wanted.
And you know what? You were right.
You and Jack are happy.
Me and Judy are happy.
Everything's working out.
So, just try to have a good time.
JACK: [singing.]
- Did you see that? - What? - You missed it? - Oh, no.
Oh, I executed a perfect Electric Slide.
I think it was an Electric Slide, I don't know.
It was biblical.
The Red Sea parted.
- I slid right through.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- I'm so happy for you though.
- Thank you.
Thank you for that.
I appreciate that.
I'm gonna go back out here.
Join me? I feel an impending Macarena coming on.
Uh, let me think about it for a second.
JACK: You sure? I'm very mediocre at dancing.
Have fun.
[glass clinking.]
RYAN: Leon's always been the kind of bloke to console you during a break-up, to throw back a stubbie with you when you're feeling blue, and to hold your hair back when you're just a little too pissed.
- We get it.
You're Australian.
- I'm so gonna fuck him later.
RYAN: You know, I never thought I'd meet a gal good enough for my mate Leon, but as usual - Hi.
- Let's go.
RYAN: I was wrong.
- Where? RYAN: Now, if you two weren't so bloody decent, - Val, wait.
- RYAN: I'd hate you both.
- [laughter.]
But I love you, and I can't believe that this wonderful dream is becoming a reality.
ALL: Aww! - What? No, no.
- Wait, wait.
What? - What? - What? Come on.
Let's go to the bathroom.
- No.
- Fine.
- Let's go to my house.
- Now? - [sighs.]
- Just Can we listen to the toasts? You're only there for me when it's on your terms.
What? What? Why are you being crazy right now? We're at a party for your friends.
Can we just have a nice evening? About Ryan's speech.
Little heavy on the outback, but it played.
Pathos and humor.
You chose well.
And I am grateful to be a part of this in whatever way you'll have me.
So just say the word, and I'm here to help.
Well, we do need someone to oversee the ceremony.
- You mean an officiant? - Darling, that Oh, my God.
Wow.
Yes, I'd be honored.
I can't believe it.
When's the wedding? - Oh, we were thinking Easter.
- In London.
London! Wait, hey.
Easter is spring break, right? We can show Clark London.
- Uh - Big Ben.
West End.
Hogwarts.
The Royals? Yeah.
[phone dialing.]
VALERIE: Hi, this is Valerie.
I'm not here right now.
Please leave a message.
["The World's A Mess; It's In My Kiss" by X plays on car radio.]
¿Quieres? I'm good.
[music plays louder.]
Whoo! Yeah.
["The World's A Mess; It's In My Kiss" by X continues playing.]