Comic Book Men s03e11 Episode Script

You know what I sort of miss? Every Friday, I remember when I was a kid, there would be made-for-TV horror.
The one I remember watching, don't be afraid of the dark.
Oh, yeah.
- Great movie.
- I slept for With the lights on for a year After don't be afraid of the dark.
Really, a year? - Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
But you thought there was potentially the possibility of little, tiny trolls living inside your walls? I mean, I think that now.
I mean Come on.
No, I hear you It was so well done that you thought, "well, maybe.
" - Yeah.
- Maybe.
What about you? You've never, uh Oh, there's been a lot of great TV movies, you know? You got the gargoyles.
Oh, that was great.
Gargoyles exist, and the only thing they want to do is kidnap women to birth gargoyle eggs.
How terrifying is that? Plenty terrifying on a Friday night when I show up at the bar.
Like, "ew, that gargoyle's trying to impregnate me.
" "I thought that was just a movie.
" Hello and welcome to another episode of Comic Book Men, the only show that thinks the green monster refers to the hulk's ding-a-ling.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming chen.
So what has been going on in my little shop this week? A really neat item came into the store the other day.
How you doing? I'm good.
How are you guys doing? What can we do for you today? I think I got something pretty awesome here.
Batman bag, huh? It's a little bit more than a bag.
It is A Batman bowling ball.
Ooh, check it out.
A bowling ball.
Wow.
Look at that.
Wow, that's pretty neat, though.
I mean, look at that, man.
You think Batman has a Batman ball? I mean, he has everything Batman.
He has a bat belt, bat boats.
I mean, he must have a bat ball.
Yeah, he probably had one made.
I mean, why not? It's a Really trying to figure it out, like I am.
"This guy that doesn't exist, let me think.
" This looks like it's never even been used.
It actually hasn't.
So this ball has never seen a Lane? No, a group of my friends and I decided to join a bowling league.
However, they all kind of bailed out on me.
Why Batman? Batman's my favorite superhero, and this emblem was more so from one of my favorite Batman movies with Michael Keaton, Batman Batman returns.
Right.
My fingers fit it almost like it's a glove.
I was just gonna say, you must have some pretty slender fingers.
I got some tiny hands myself.
Yeah.
You both got about the same hands right there.
- Yeah.
- Nice womanly fingers.
- Yeah! - Delicate.
So it works for you.
It's a perfect fit for you.
- Walt "lady hands" Flanagan.
- Yeah.
I hate the way how skinny my fingers are, but you know what? That day, I was I was blessed.
First time in 45 years it paid off.
Yeah.
Those of us with fat fingers were crying that day.
Do you remember when we were in that bowling ball league? Yeah.
- You guys were in a league? - Yeah.
Literally right after we got out of high school.
- Yep.
- Our team was "the four horsemen.
" Yep.
I had no idea you guys bowled.
You know why I got out of bowling was 'cause I got too caught up in it.
I would get, like, so angry if I felt he wasn't trying hard enough or he was goofing off.
That's why "the four horsemen" disbanded.
We couldn't take his nonstop ridicule.
You know who else has got a team? Like, a bunch of guys from the movie clerks.
- Really? - Yeah.
I talked to O'Halloran.
You think we could play them in a game? They would definitely play us.
I would love to crush those guys.
It really got my competitive juices boiling again, man.
I love that win-or-lose aspect of life.
And, you know, we haven't done a lot of that at the stash, you know, it's a lot of just selling comics, which is great, but, you know, there's no, like, pressure.
Thank God nobody came into the store with, like, "this is a Batman gun.
" How much you looking to get for it? - Well, I paid 150 for it - Okay.
So I'm trying to get my money back on it.
I think that's a bit unrealistic.
I don't think you're gonna be able to move this anywhere but here.
You're not gonna bring it to a bowling alley.
They're not gonna buy it back.
I can't imagine any other comic bookstores even considering it.
You're kind of in a tough spot.
Would you take 75 bucks for it? Hmm, 125? I really want to get it for under $100.
This way I don't feel like I'm buying something frivolous.
I'll give you 99.
Okay.
All right, 99.
- We got a deal.
- Oh.
- Look at that.
- Take the lady hands? It's like shaking my own hand.
Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
Have a nice day.
Have a wonderful day.
You too.
- Huh? - Looking good, man.
All right, you got the ball.
You really got to do this now.
Hey, Mike.
Come here a second.
Look at this.
What's up? Ooh.
My new bowling ball.
Do you bowl? - Can you bowl? - I do.
I do.
Ming is gonna call the clerks team, and we're gonna set up a little game.
Hell, yeah.
This is not a fun game, though.
There's no nonsense, no goofing off, no jokes.
If you're looking for fun, you've come to the wrong place.
I say we get bowling shirts, you know, with our names on it.
- All right.
- All right? Let's make this happen.
All right.
Oh, my God.
Famous Monsters of Filmland, number 1.
You got it.
That's iconic.
I was doing a little calculation the other night.
Me and you, we are 20 years away from retirement.
Does ming slide in, and then he's got, what, six years , and then he retires? Yeah, Ming's a kid compared to you guys, man.
You gonna allow that? I mean, Ming's been waiting, I think, just as long as prince Charles has been waiting to get in that chair.
And he's got as much chance.
How you doing? - Do you buy non-comics? - Depends on what it is.
I have some of the old Warren mags.
- Oh! - Yes! Oh, my God.
This is Famous Monsters of Filmland, number 1! You got it.
Spacemen number 1.
I've never seen this in real life.
- And the King Kong issue.
- That's iconic.
Monster movies were so important, you know, to me as a child growing up.
Is King Kong your favorite monster? I mean, that's truly That's one of the most difficult questions I'll probably face in my life.
I mean, it's the never-ending battle in my head of of my favorite monster.
Must be very serene at your house as you pace around.
"I don't know.
I just I can't decide, kids!" You were the last holdout for the "famous monsters," dude.
Everyone else has moved on to serial killers, terrorism, superheroes battling villains from outer space, but you're still going, like, "one day Frankenstein's coming back.
The flattop villain will return.
" So where did you get these again? My dad worked for Warren in the '70s, and he got them straight off the line, so we had 'em all and then some.
These are my extras.
I thought I'd give you guys a crack at it.
So what would your dad's responsibilities be at Warren? Write whatever stories need writing.
You know, come up with any creative ideas, like changing this to So he would just throw out ideas like, "we should do this" Yep.
Or, "we should cover this movie"? And nobody was more driven than Jim, Jim Warren, but he needed help getting it done, and that's where my dad came in.
You know, that's actually Jim Warren under the mask.
- Is it really? - Yep.
Yep.
You guys care more about who's under this mask than who's not right there.
You're all the same, man.
You're all the same.
Who is the, uh Who is the model? You know, I don't know who she is.
I really don't.
Probably one of Forry's friends.
"Forry" being? Forrest Ackerman.
Your dad knew Forrest Ackerman? - Oh, sure, absolutely.
- Oh, my God.
These guys were like grandfather figures to me.
You're like royalty.
Forrest Ackerman was the publisher? - He was the publisher - The ultimate hub upon which all the spokes of the famous monsters of filmland were built 'cause he he was so passionate about it.
He'd write about it.
He'd be on every set, taking pictures That when you look at a modern-day website from a tween girl who's writing about loving Bieber To an adult male who's loving Writing about loving Batman, the same type of passion is what was laid out by Forrest Ackerman in Famous Monsters magazine.
But what are you looking to get for the number 1? - Number 1.
- Uh, 108.
Number 108.
And the first issue of Spacemen? - Well, this is kind of a throw - I mean.
I mean, these two together, I would say about 400 bucks for the pair.
You do have a chunk taken out of here, so, I mean, that's gonna affect the price of course.
- Mm-hmm.
- "Don't forget, boss.
" He's my Igor.
"He's trying to rip you off!" Well, I mean, obviously number 1 is the big kahuna here.
You know, this one's hanging on by a thread, the cover.
Same thing with this issue.
I just love it for the, you know, King Kong.
What would you say 250 for the set of three? - I could come down to 300.
- Down to 300? Now you're buying one, getting two free.
How about $275? I mean, we all we both know what the number 1 goes for, but that's where I'm gonna make the money back on it.
- Yeah, I could do the 275.
- Awesome, man.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you so much, man.
Of course.
Appreciate it.
All right.
- Thanks.
- Say hello to your dad for us.
Will do! Dante, glad you could make it today and brought your boys with you.
Let the games begin! - Whoo! - Yeah! Long before they were fearsome bowlers to be faced in the alleys and lanes, that clerks team was made up of a bunch of people that I didn't really know all that well.
I met Jason through Bryan and Walter.
They hung out with him first They met him through town, through the recreation center mostly, and one day, I show up to drive up to the comic con in New York, man, at the Pentahotel, and it's I'm gonna drive, and it's Walter and Bryan coming with me, and all of a sudden, Jason Mewes comes out of the house, and Jason Mewes is all of, like, 15, 14? At the oldest, I think it was 14.
Like, just a kid, man.
And these guys so casually go, "this kid's coming with us.
" And immediately, I'm like, "I'm not gonna transport "a minor across state lines.
I don't even know who this kid is.
" And they're like, "this is Jason Mewes, man.
He's funny as heck.
" Bryan jumped to his aid.
He was like, "well, if you're not gonna drive, I'll drive.
" And then Mewes immediately goes, "shotgun," and jumped into the passenger seat, and I sat in the back with Walter.
He was so blue, man, like, these dudes were laughing 'cause Mewes was going off a mile a minute, making those jokes, and they were like, "ha ha ha ha," and I was sitting in the back like, "this guy ain't so funny, man.
" - Have a great afternoon.
- Thank you, man all right.
- How's it going, guys? - How you doing? What can we do for you today? Are you guys interested in action figures? It depends.
What you got? - I have this, the Punisher.
- Yes, Punisher.
Unfortunately we don't do loose action figures.
They're a little bit more trouble than they're worth, so, you know, I'm afraid have to pass.
Well, there's something interesting about this.
It's discontinued, and there's a reason why.
It's discontinued? What do you mean, "it's discontinued"? It has a special little feature about it.
Is that a transformer? Oh, it looks like a transformer, huh? Mm-hmm.
- What's it gonna turn into? Uh, I mean, it looks like it's probably some kind of, like, a weapon of some sort.
I'm gonna say it's a truck.
I'm gonna say it turns into a little thing coming up saying, "no sale" on there.
Wow.
Look at that.
Uh, I'm beginning to see why it may have been pulled from toy shelves.
Oh, my goodness.
Whoa.
There's definitely a market for a Punisher that shoots a missile out of his wiener.
Um, it's the college market.
Like, that I would waste many an hour in my dorm going, "look, look! He's fighting crime!" Well, invariably, the people that bring in things like this are always guys, and they're always so happy and titillated and giggly.
It's an acceptable form of naughty that they didn't instigate.
"Oh, I just bought this, but look what it does!" You think the Toy Companies knew, Bry? You think that they were like, "kids will never figure it out.
" From the conception to the shelf, not one person was like, "um, no.
" Where'd you get this? - I got it as a gift - Yeah, where can I get more? Now we gotta get more! I got it as a gift for my birthday, like, years and years ago.
Who gave it to you? - My mom.
- Oh, yeah? Was it open already, or was it in a sealed case? No, it was definitely sealed.
It was gently used.
Pulled, banned, whatever you want to call it, I mean, what does this Something like this go for? About 75 bucks.
You're looking to get 75 bucks for this? I'm a college student.
I just graduated.
- I got loans.
- Um I can give you 30 bucks for it.
I'd like to just set it up, have it be a little conversation piece.
Put it back on the shelf back here.
- 35? - 35? I'd give you the extra 5 bucks just to have it in here.
- All right, you're on.
- All right.
And you're on.
From the till - All right.
- And 5 bucks from my man here.
There you go.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
- Have a great afternoon - You too.
And if you have any more stuff like this at home, don't bring 'em here.
Oh, okay.
No prob.
All right, thanks.
Take care, guys.
I want to tell you guys about a certain word called "fate.
" Fate brings a woman into the stash to sell a Batman bowling ball to us.
Fate brings us here today to use that Batman bowling ball to crush our enemies and taste the sweet nectar of victory.
That's bad.
So it's the day of the match.
All the marbles are out, up for grabs.
If we win, we're legends.
If we lose, we'll rue it to the day we die.
I just think it sounds so sadly middle age.
We used to get together and play hockey against one another, and now it's like, "let's bowl!" Ah, look who's here, guys.
Dante.
Walt, boys.
Glad to see you could make it today, and you brought your boys with you.
We all know what's on the line here today, right, guys? - Bragging rights - Hmm.
Of all of New Jersey? All right, how we gonna start? Who shoots first? I thought we'd do it the Jersey way.
Rock, paper, scissors.
- Ready? - Ready.
One, two - Three.
- Shoot.
Oh, that's the Jersey way, all right.
Nice job, nice job.
Do it again.
Do it again.
One, two, three, shoot.
Hmm, scissor over paper.
Well played.
Huh? - That's why he's the captain.
- That's right, baby.
Come on! All right.
Let the games begin! - Whoo! - Yeah, that's right! Do you see what they're throwing over there? Yes! All right.
Let the games begin! - Whoo! - Yeah, that's right! And oh! Aw! Nice try, nice try.
- Nice! - There it is, Jay! - Boom! - Nice! - That's how you do it! - Come on, Mike.
- What was that? - He's just warming up.
Yes! - Oh! - Yes! Whoohoo! The clerks team is just rolling strike after strike after strike, and that's when I notice that the clerks guys look like a team, and the stash guys look like a bunch of comic book workers.
Whose team was thrown together three days before.
Do you see what they're throwing over there? - Come on, Ernie! - Yeah! I thought you guys practiced during the week! I did practice! Watch! What the hell? What was that? Get in there, Scott.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes! Oh.
Whoo-hoo! God almighty.
There you go! - Yes! - Yeah! - Nice.
- Whoo-hoo! Hey, you know what, guys? I think I've been going about this all wrong.
There's only one guy here that played four roles in clerks.
Looking right at him, right? So I was thinking maybe I'll bowl with those guys today.
What are you talking about? I was a clerk way before I was a secret stash employee.
There was no secret stash back then.
I'm an O.
G.
Clerk, all right? So have a good game, bro.
Hey, guys.
Ohho-ho! Hey, nice shot, man.
Hey, I'm gonna bowl with you guys today, all right? What, are you forfeiting already? No, not a forfeit.
Hey, I mean, I was in clerks, right? Four roles? Why not? - That's fine with us.
- All right.
- All right.
- Huh? Huh? Huh? Yeah, baby! Let's do this! Four characters! You quit this team and went to that team? I mean, it wasn't like I was pulling a fast one.
I was in clerks.
I had multiple roles.
It's true, it's true.
He's like the Fredo of geeks.
Come on, Walt.
- All right, all right.
- Show 'em why you're over here! Have fun on your new team.
We should go tear that shirt off him.
Come on, Mike.
Come on, Mike! - Ugh! - Aw.
It's all right.
Pick up the spare.
- Oh! - Ooh! Nice, nice! Nice.
- Boom, here we go! - Whoo! Oh! - Too bad, nope.
- Yeah! That's a nice ball! There it is! Nice! Knock 'em down, bry.
Knock 'em down.
There we go, there we go.
That a boy! Oh! That's a strike! Yeah! Oh! Whoo! What? I didn't expect that.
- Oh! - It's all right.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Oh, you left one behind! What happened? Oh! - Not good.
- We got it.
We still got it.
Oh, let's watch this, though.
Real quick.
Come on, little guy.
Come on, boy.
There you go! Yeah! Maybe Walt was holding you guys back.
All of a sudden, the stash guys start closing the gap.
They start bowling great.
So we got a bad news bowler situation going on here.
Suddenly the underdogs are coming out from behind.
- Yeah! - Here comes the pain! - Oh! - That's okay.
All right, Mike.
Let's go! Last frame, let's do this.
Come on, Mike.
Oh, miss it, miss it, miss it! - Ah! - Oh! - Yeah! - Hold on.
Hold up, hold on.
Wait a sec.
Mike, you make this, the stash wins by one.
- You got this.
- Are you sure? - You got this.
- Are you sure about this? You got this.
So you immediately switched teams.
Even I can't do that.
I made a decision.
I've got to live with it now.
I'm a clerk till I die.
What a dramatic turnaround, man.
You got this, Mike.
You got it.
You got it.
The pressure's on.
Imagine four little flanagans.
That ball weighs too much for you, buddy.
You could do permanent damage to your thumb and never be able to read a comic book again.
Clerks! Clerks! Clerks! Clerks! Clerks! Clerks! Hey, I'll see you guys on Monday, all right? Clerks! Clerks! Clerks! Good game.
Good game.
Whoo, clerks! Yeah, he let us down.
Oh! Zap.
Come on, man.
Only one team can win.
You guys know how bad it felt to lose that day, right? - I was devastated.
- Right? Why should we all feel that way? Misery doesn't always love company.
Sometimes misery wants to be on the winning team.
There it is, kids.
That's all we got time for.
For Comic Book Men, I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming chen.
If you guys can't rock it in the alley, you can't rock it in the store.
Good-bye.