Cougar Town s03e11 Episode Script

Hurricane Mary is due to hit tomorrow with strong winds and heavy rain.
Oh, my God.
Do you know what this means? Power outages, trees falling, floods.
No.
Hurricane Party, my house, tomorrow! Tell everyone.
Hey, everyone! Everyone I like.
Never mind! But it is closing time.
You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
Bam! Oh.
I just need one more glass of cab.
That's actually illegal for me to sell after I close.
That's why I'm not paying for it.
I love hurricanes.
They're like adult snow days.
You know, you don't have to go to work.
You drink and play games.
So it's like every day for us.
But with wind.
Oh, brother.
Thanks for your help.
Well, I gotta protect my hangout spot.
I didn't think this through! Should should I just come inside?! Can't really hear you.
That's weird! I can hear you perfectly! Nice cover.
Wow.
Hurricane Mary? More like hurricane scary.
Oh, where's my baby girl? She's at Grayson's with the guys.
Mm.
Jules, this apple it's too hard.
She's at Grayson's with the guys.
Sorry! I am just too angry to talk to you right now, Wade! Ohh! He re-enlisted! He's gonna be overseas for a whole other year.
I thought that we were really getting serious.
Of all the relationships of people who have never met each other, I really believed in this one.
Relationships are hard, like apples.
Pretty sure I swallowed the sticker.
Ah.
Seriously, I can hear you clear as day! Shh, shh.
Guys, don't.
I'm gonna go take a long, sad bath.
There goes that loofah.
Laurie should date you, Trav.
What? When we made out, he was super classy.
You know, most guys just go, like, straight for the taters, but, mnh-mnh, not this one.
That's the way I raised him.
"Taters are for laters.
" She actually did say that.
I did.
But, you know, Laurie doesn't really see me like that.
No! You are in the game now.
Once anyone in our pack of friends hooks up with a dude, he is pack property.
Mm.
You hear that? I'm in the game.
Way to go, buddy.
Ellie.
Meeting.
Grayson's.
Now.
Oh, God.
Travis got Laurie pregnant.
What?! Maybe I took a few steps ahead, but still, it would be so horrible if those two hooked up.
Really? Man, I think it would be great.
Is she staring at me? Yeah.
Hands on hips? Uh-huh.
Jaw clenched? You know it.
Head tipped to the oh, just look at her! Oh, Travis.
What am I doing waiting around for a guy that I've never even held hands with or kissed or burnt with a match? I think that Wade and I are done.
I'm sorry.
Thanks, Travis.
Ohh.
I wish there were more guys like you around.
Dude, you're in.
How could you be okay with Trav dating Laurie? He's he's just a kid.
Plus she slept with your fiance.
Ow! Wh-why? Sleeping with Laurie.
Oh.
I'll allow it.
Laurie rocks.
Plus it'd make Travis happy, and that's okay by me.
The age difference is too big.
You can't stop love.
Ellie's mom didn't want her to date me, but if I didn't go for it, this magical thing never would have happened.
He's talking about him and Bobby.
I love you, buddy.
You don't even know.
It's a split, so break the tie, life partner.
Well, I'm gonna have to say that I could care less.
No.
It's I'm neutral.
I'm like Switzerland.
You see, in World War II, Switzerland acted as a n really? This is the new thing we do? We pretend to be asleep when someone tries to educate us? This isn't new.
No.
Maybe they can date someday, like, you know, when I'm dead, but for now, Travis still lives with me sometimes, and Laurie's my friend.
I just this will affect me way worse than it will affect you.
All right.
I get it.
I'll have a talk with him.
Hey, bud.
Can we, uh can we talk about Laurie? You know I really like her, huh? Yeah, I can tell by the way you stare at her breasts different from the way you stare at other breasts, more respectful.
Should I go for it? Hell, yeah.
Go be the shoulder for her to cry on.
Now bring it in.
I feel like I'm cheating on Andy.
I'm your son, so it's fine.
Wow.
The eye of the hurricane can be up to 20 miles wide.
Really? Rules are rules.
All right, everybody, I'm shutting down early.
You ain't gotta go home, but you can't stay here.
And towel on the shoulder for Bam! How awesome is it that I get to say that every night? If by "awesome," you mean "lame and sad.
" Oh, snap.
But she's right.
It is a little bit of a cliche.
And that's coming from someone who just learned "Oh, snap.
" Yeah.
You guys don't like my catchphrase? But that's why I got a bar in the first place, you know, to shut it down.
It's always the best part of my day.
Giant "thanks" from your fiancee.
Oh, before the hurricane party, we have to stop by Bobby's boat.
Why? She's not gonna let us out.
We're headed into the heart of the monster! I don't understand what's happening! We're playing "The Perfect Storm"! Do your job and be the storm! Oh, my God! That's a wicked huge wave! Hold on! Come on, you bitch! Hey, Trav! Yeah, we're about to get hit by a giant wave! We're all gonna die and stuff! What's up? I just, uh, wanted to let you know that I'm gonna ride out the storm here at Laurie's.
Sorry.
Tell dad he was right.
Being the shoulder to cry on is a power move.
Ellie, drench him.
Seriously?! I'm only an okay storm! I'm not a perfect storm! Well, this is a pisser! Laurie, come to our hurricane party.
I'll take care of you.
You know, you can even color in my gray hair with black marker.
So your mom wants us to hang over there.
Yeah.
Totally.
Should we go? Let's stay.
Or go.
I mean, going's good, but staying's good, too, right, because you're like, ohh, I can't believe we have to go.
Besides, if we go, once we get there, we're just gonna stay there.
I mean, going is just staying in a different place, right? Can I have some water? You know, I can't believe you told Trav to comfort Laurie.
Whenever you comforted me, my panties disappeared.
I'm smarter than people think.
You just ate your hoodie string.
No more talking.
I'm just too mad.
Let's watch the movie.
Ohh.
Ohh! I can't b still no talking.
Worst hurricane party ever.
Dear God, we're out of wine.
For the first time this storm, I'm scared.
Look, I think we should just let Trav date Laurie.
No.
Why don't you guys play a game for it? Winner gets their way.
That's what they do on "The Brady Bunch.
" Ooh, side note.
Have you guys seen Peter Brady lately? Guy's yoked.
Didn't he sleep with Mrs.
Brady? That was Greg.
I don't want to play some stupid game.
We've got much more important things to do.
What game do you want to play? Scrabble.
Taboo.
Butt ball.
All sound great, especially butt ball, whatever that is.
Why don't we play a game to decide what game we're gonna play? Penny can! We're playing celebrity.
Can Travis and Laurie make sweet, sweet love? Winner decides.
Okay.
This actress Julia Roberts.
Let me finish who is not Julia Roberts, was in the movie "Legally Blonde.
" I know it.
Um, okay, she was, uh, married to an actor, and then they they broke up, and then she got married to this other guy.
He's, um, he seems really nice, and he's got, uh, a very nice face.
Hey, you guys.
Time out.
Reese Witherspoon? Reese Witherspoon! Count it.
What? You still look so sad.
Trav, take her up to my bedroom and let her lie down.
Done.
What? You just sent the two people that you don't want to be together to go hang out in a bedroom.
Who would have sex in their mom's bed? Uh, been there.
Shoot.
How many times am I gonna do that?! Would you like to suck the cork? You're joking, but I already did.
What you got there? Working on some new closing lines for your bar? Right now I'm really liking the word "down.
" You know, first of all, it's a great rhyme word.
Just off the top "Town.
" "Drink it down.
I'll see ya in town.
" "Drink it down.
Watch out for clowns.
" It's so sad, I'm losing my cork buzz.
What is happening to me? I used to be on top of all the cool lingo.
Y-you know how people say, "Hey, you want to come with us?" I was the guy who dropped the "us" part.
Oh.
"Hey, you want to come with?" I wonder what those d-bags did with all the time you saved them.
Bedroom door open.
Game back on.
Somebody already got this one? Uh, monkey actor.
Charlton Heston.
That guy.
Tom Berenger.
Mustache.
Tom Selleck.
Better mustache.
Ooh! Burt Reynolds.
No mustache but should have one.
Harrison Ford! Time.
They're killing us with mustache clues.
After round one, it's, uh, Andy and Bobby a hard-fought zero.
Why did you pick this game if you suck at it? Me? Alan Alda didn't invent the polio vaccine! You knew what I meant! We'd better get some wine in these gals, or they're gonna turn on us.
What are you idiots whispering about?! I'll drive.
What is wrong with me? Every guy that I date leaves me.
Wade enlisted for another tour.
Smith just dumped me.
Dale blew himself up in a meth lab.
You can't take explosions so personally.
You know, sometimes they're just explosions.
What you need is to date someone who's gonna put your happiness before their own.
But does that guy even exist? I think he does.
Just promise me you won't give up on Wade too quickly.
He is built like a black Peter Brady.
Yeah, almost a little too muscle-y.
Girls don't really like that.
That's just what I told you when you were diagnosed with low testosterone.
He still takes pills.
Mom! Why? Aah! Why'd you keep stopping to do those Michael Jackson poses in the wind? Dude, how could you not? Whoa! Power works! We got food, we got tunes, and we got Booze! Could this get any better? Do you party? it's cool with me everyone wants to know where's the party? just you and me We saw the lights.
Um, can we wait out the storm while our dresses dry out? Grayson said they're stuck at the bar.
Oh, good.
We can work on our cheating plan.
Oh.
You know, professional gamblers cheat with a very complicated system of, like, finger tap I'm trying to help you! Sorry.
How long was I out? Look Next time I give a clue, just say an answer.
No matter what you say, I'm gonna say it's right.
Okay.
That handsome actor that you love.
George DiCaprio.
I'll make it work.
Out of curiosity, when Grayson called, did he sound sad? Older guys are the best! Are you three real? Oh, snap.
Before you get mad, these girls may not be real.
Sorry, ladies.
Time to shut her down.
That's all she drank, folks.
See ya on the flip.
Worst one yet.
What? Where did everybody go? I don't know.
We could go look for 'em, or we could stay.
I mean, staying's good.
If we go, then we're gonna have oh, dude.
Dude, I can't go through it again.
I used to be so scared of thunder when I was a kid.
I can't imagine you scared of anything.
This is actually kind of romantic.
It kinda feels like we're the last two people on earth.
Awesome.
Do you know that you say "awesome" when you're nervous? That's awesome.
Laurie? Is that you? Why is the couch talking? L-Laurie? Wade? Awesome.
Eee! Ohh! Split the cheeks! Hey, you can't go for the extra point unless the girls close their eyes.
Look, stop playing butt ball, okay? Come over here and concentrate on celebrity.
The girls are making an insane comeback.
And go.
This actress uh, Gwyneth Paltrow.
Yes.
This actress Gwyneth Paltrow.
Yes.
This actress Gw not Gwyneth Paltrow, is in your favorite movie.
E.
T.
Yes! We're out of clues! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I thought E.
T.
was a dude.
He was both.
Watch the deleted scenes.
It's very disturbing.
He tries to have sex with himself.
Baby, are you okay? No, I am sad all the time, and people look at me like I'm crazy when I take you out to dinner, but it was okay because I thought that we were heading somewhere, but We're not, are we? God.
Laurie? H-hello? Uh, excuse me.
I heard a woman whimper.
Uh, ma'am, if you if you're there, can you, uh, can you, like, pick me up? Dude, just talk to him.
Tom, it's a hurricane! Go home! How about this one, okay? It's got a good message.
It's closing time! I know you're sad, but don't drink and drive.
You might kill your dad.
Wha-bam! Too depressing? Too everything.
It's not as easy as you think.
Time to go.
Drink lots of water, take some aspirin, and we'll do it again tomorrow.
You're a natural, boo.
That's mine.
You can't have it.
You remember the last time you and I were stuck in a hurricane? Oh, yeah.
When we were having sex, we knocked over so many candles.
Oh.
Grayson.
What? No.
You guys are obviously having fun reminiscing.
I wasn't talking about the naughty part.
You know, Trav was so scared of the storm that you let him sleep in our bed.
Oh.
Then we all got wrapped up in that down comforter And he turned the whole thing into one giant urine burrito.
Well, he was only 5.
Maybe 10.
Look, I know I promised to take care of this Laurie thing, but I just ended up pushing him right toward her.
I just couldn't help it.
The second I mentioned Laurie's name, he just smiled this smile, and then I wanted him to have whatever he wanted.
Bobby Cobb, when you are being earnest, you are one sexy man.
Pretzels for my sweetheart.
Well, that's just bad timing.
Laurie talks about you a lot, Trav.
You know, it's good to know she's not alone.
I'm sure she'd be happier if you were here.
No question.
Maybe a little question.
All right.
Well, how do I fix this? Well, it would be easier if you were here.
You could hold her hand or with those arms, break a papa bench in half to impress her.
That's it.
I need you to be my body.
Come again? Laurie, can we come in? Who's "we"? Oh, my God.
Baby, please dance with me.
All right.
The last round.
Jules and Ellie only need one more to win.
Let's end this.
This way, your granddaughter's first words won't be "What, what?" But does that guy even exist? I think he does.
He still smiles the same way he did when he was a little kid.
You win.
We cheated.
I knew David Barstool wasn't an actor! You were just looking at things around the room.
Yeah.
Although I think that there is a Jim Lampley.
Nope.
You sure you're okay with this? No, but I-I want what Travis wants.
Hell, we all love Laurie, right? Yeah.
Ellie just fake it.
She's an angel.
Aw.
Snap.
Is this the only way we're ever gonna be able to dance? Trav, put your finger to my lips.
Shh.
Hey, can you lean back so I can look at her face? I'm breathing a lot of my own breath right now.
Starting to regret the tuna sandwich earlier.
Can you just freestyle dance or something while we talk? When I re-enlisted, I-I didn't mean to hurt you, you know, but these people out here they're my family.
All I can do is ask you to wait, but if you can't, I understand.
Grab my tush.
Trav, grab her booty.
Nah, I'm good.
Come on, man.
Get in there.
Just a handful.
Oh, Wade.
Okay, you know what? I can't do it.
Uh, baby? Trav fell.
Is is he okay? Uh, yeah.
No, he's fine.
I'll be right back.
What do you think? Do you think I should give him another chance, or should I just move on? Hi.
The storm's let up.
What's what's what's wrong? Everybody just got back, so I'm gonna take you upstairs, all right? I want to talk to you all night.
She asked me what she should do, and I know she'll regret it if she doesn't see it through with Wade.
She finally found someone who cares about her happiness more than his own.
Ohh.
That was a crazy storm, huh? You know, the reason that Florida has so many hurricanes is that when the barometric pressure is you guys are doing a bit? Awesome.
I'm coming in.
Look, if you want a good closing line, you're gonna have to face the fact that you're not Mr.
Catchphrase anymore.
Stop living in the past and embrace who you are today a tired, old bartender with a bad back who doesn't want to admit that he's always freezing.
I used to be so warm.
I know.
Use that And tell these young punks how you really feel.
Please get out of my bar.
I just want to go home and wrap up in my cozy blanket and drink that tea with the sleepy bear on the box.
I know you hate me now, but you'll thank me later, because if you don't stop drinking, tomorrow you're going to wake up next to that person that you're talking to right now, and you'll wish you knew how to get them out of your house, but they're gonna make you take them to brunch.
Good night.
Don't drink and drive.
You might kill your dad.
Perfect.