Dad's Army (1968) s03e11 Episode Script
Branded
Right.
Try and keep still, Jones, will you? Now, tonight Captain Mainwaring is going to be a little bit late, so he's asked me to take charge of training.
Can we fall out and have a bit of a smoke? - I'd rather you didn't, if you don't mind.
- No, all right.
Captain Mainwaring was going to do a little stalking.
That is, how to creep up on an enemy sentry in the dark.
Get old Taffy to do that! He's the biggest creeper of the lot! Just try and settle down, please.
You can laugh, Joe, but it may interest you to know that I'm an expert stalker.
I was one of the finest stalkers in the Highlands.
And you're a chatterbox in the Lowlands! Now, we want somebody to creep up on.
Permission to speak, sir? I volunteer to be the person you creep up on.
You're always volunteering, Jonesy.
I think we ought to get somebody else to take the enemy sentry's part.
- I'd like to take the enemy sentry's part.
- No.
We ought to give some of the others a chance sometimes.
Now, Godfrey You can be the enemy sentry.
Right, you'll need something to sit on.
- I volunteer to be something to sit on! - No, Jones, please.
Get that chair from Mr Mainwaring's office.
Frazer, you know rather more about this than most of us, so perhaps you could - .
.
put us in the picture.
- I'll do that, Sergeant.
Now, then, pay attention, everybody! Now, then You approach your quarry from behind.
- And you always keep downwind of him.
- Why do you do that, Mr Frazer? - So he disnae get your scent.
- But, Jock, humans don't smell humans.
You're not standing where I am, mate! I telt ye once - pay attention! Now, then.
Watch me and I'll give you a demonstration.
Stand back.
Gie's room, gie's room.
Now, I'm creeping up on an enemy sentry.
At night.
Now, you'll notice the way I lift my feet up and put them doon very carefully.
It's most important to watch where you're putting your feet.
Especially if you're walking through a field of cows! Walker, please.
As I was saying, be careful where you put your feet.
You might step on a dry twig and then - snap - the enemy sentry would be at your throat in a minute! Hey! Hang on! Have you gone raving mad or something? It's all right, Joe.
Just always remember to always watch where you're putting your feet.
All right, Godfrey, thank you very much.
Bring it on.
Just put it down here.
Now, sit down.
I'd like somebody to volunteer to blindfold him.
I'd like to do that, to blindfold Mr Godfrey! - There's no need to get so fussed about it all.
- You keep leaving me out of everything.
- All right, just do it, then spin him round.
- Right.
There we are.
There we are.
This reminds me of when I was a child.
A game I played with my sisters.
Putting The Tail On The Donkey.
I remember! That was a good game.
They don't play games like that any more.
Remember Postman's Knock and Kissing The Ring? And then we played Sardines.
- I don't think I liked Sardines.
- He didn't like Sardines.
No, I All right.
Thank you very much.
Now, will you all spread out, please? When I blow the whistle, all creep up on Godfrey and give him a little surprise.
Godfrey, if you hear anything, turn round, point your finger and pretend to shoot.
OK? You'd better have a try.
Just spin round.
There we go.
All right? Pop! - Was that all right, Sergeant? - It wasn't quite, but it will have to do.
Are you all ready now? Right, here we go, then.
We've arrived, Mr Godfrey.
Oh, Lord.
Come on, Godfrey, come along now.
Oh, dear.
I must have dropped off.
Because I was in the dark.
I had a rather tiring day waiting at the clinic.
I'm sure you had.
We ought to try it over again.
This time I'll be the sentry.
- I'll have the whistle! - All right! Just a minute! - You're strangling me! - Yes, all right, all right.
- I'll blindfold you.
- I'd be very grateful.
I find that sort of thing very difficult to do on my own.
Thank you.
- Is everybody ready? - Yes.
- As quick as you can.
- There we are.
- Ready to go.
- All right.
Everybody ready! Bang! - All right, Sergeant, I know I'm dead.
- So sorry, sir.
I thought you were the platoon.
Really? I didn't realise I was as heavy-footed as all that.
- I'd like to see you in the office, please.
- All right, sir.
Will you carry on, Jones? I'm taking the chair this time.
I'm taking the chair this time.
- Let's go and have a cup of tea.
- That's the best idea you've had tonight.
Right.
Everybody ready? Right, let's go.
- Shut the door, Wilson, please.
- Oh, sorry, sir.
Yes.
- Will you just read this letter? - Yes, sir.
- It's addressed to you, sir.
- I know.
Read it.
From Godfrey.
Funny.
- Why should he write to you? - You'll find out.
''Dear Sir, it is with much regret that I must tender to you my resignation.
''Owing to personal reasons, I feel that I can no longer remain as a member of the platoon.
''Therefore I must ask you to accept my two weeks' notice ''as from the end of the week.
''I remain, dear sir, your obedient servant, Charles Godfrey.
'' That's a pity.
We're We're going to miss him.
What do you mean, ''We're going to miss him''? He can't just leave like that.
We can't stop him, sir.
He's given you two weeks' notice.
This is war, Wilson, not Sainsbury's! - Ask him to come in and explain himself.
- Right, sir.
Let's have a look at that rota.
''Monday - Number One Section on patrol.
Gasworks, railway bridge, telephone exchange.
''2250 - Godfrey puts on kettle.
''2258 - Godfrey makes tea, ready for return of patrol at 2300 hours.
''Tuesday - Number Three Section on patrol.
''Godfrey leaves here at 2330, arrives Novelty Rock Emporium 2350.
''Makes tea, ready for arrival of patrol at 2400.
'' Oh, no, no.
I couldn't let him go.
He's far too valuable.
- (KNOCK) - Come in! - You wanted to speak to me, sir? - Yes, I did, Godfrey.
Sit down, will you? - Don't go, Wilson.
I may need you.
- Oh, right.
Now, Godfrey, what's the meaning of this letter? I'm afraid it means that I've got to leave, sir.
You mean you're feeling a little too old for active service now? - No, no, not really.
- What, then? The other morning I got up a little earlier than usual.
I'm usually up about half past seven to make the early morning tea.
Then I take a cup to my sisters.
Until recently, we've had some very good tea from the Army & Navy Stores, but now we'll take anything we can get.
I quite agree with you, my dear fellow.
The stuff we get now is terrible.
- All those little fluffs of tea floating - Wilson, do you mind? I beg your pardon.
Do go on.
What has this got to do with your leaving? I'm just coming to that.
Where was I? About to make the early morning tea.
Oh, yes.
Well, I went to the larder to get the milk and then I saw something that made me realise I just couldn't possibly carry on any longer.
- What on earth was that? - A mouse.
- A mouse? - Yes.
There was a great big pudding basin, empty in the larder.
This mouse had fallen into it.
It was running round inside, trying to get out.
I knew I ought to kill it because we're infested by mice, so I managed to grab hold of it and then, as I held it in my hand, I felt its little heart beating under the fur and I couldn't bring myself to do it.
What did you do? Well, I I took it into the garden and let it go.
Godfrey, I I'm still not clear as to what this has to do with your leaving the platoon.
Don't you see, sir? If I couldn't kill that mouse, how could I kill a German? You should've thought of that before joining the Home Guard.
But the Home Guard was so desperate, I thought it'd be different to last time.
Things are still desperate, Godfrey.
Nazis could invade us at any moment.
We need every man we can lay our hands on.
Different from last time? The last war, sir.
I was a conscientious objector.
Oh, I see.
You were a what?! - A conscientious objector.
- A consci You mean you didn't want to fight? Not really, sir.
Well, I I can't believe this, Godfrey.
I just can't believe it.
- I think I think you'd better go home.
- Very good, sir.
- You don't want me to do anything tonight? - No, I don't, thank you.
Just go.
I'm terribly sorry about this.
I've enjoyed so much being with you all.
- I hope my service has given every satisfaction.
- Get out.
Sir, don't you? Don't you think you're being a little bit harsh? - Harsh?! Harsh, Wilson? - Yes.
We've been harbouring a damn conchie and you say I'm being harsh! - A man must follow his own inclinations, sir.
- Where would the country be if we all did that? Suppose you'd just finished work at the bank and went for tea with Mrs Pike.
When you arrived, you found some Nazi storm trooper forcing his attentions on her.
- How would you feel then, eh? - Oh, really, sir! That strikes home, doesn't it? Cuts to the bone.
That's rather an old-fashioned argument, sir.
Perhaps I am old-fashioned.
I can't stand cranks.
Can you imagine a man not wanting to fight? It isn't normal! - What are you going to do about it, sir? - I know I'd like to give him the Rogue's March.
- Rogue's March? - They used to do that in the British army.
If a man brought disgrace on his regiment, they'd parade him in front of the men, take the gold braid from his hat, strip off his epaulettes, tear down his medals, break his sword in half Ohh! You can hardly do that to Godfrey, sir.
He's only wearing a suit of denim.
- Yes, all right.
Get the men on parade.
- What'll you say to them? I'll tell them the truth.
I may not be able to tear off his epaulettes physically, but I will verbally! I'm nobody's baby Jonesy, what's the idea of this parade? What's the big mystery? All I know is Mr Mainwaring said to parade.
I think he's going to make a special announcement or - 'Ere, where's Godfrey? - He went home half an hour ago.
I said, ''Where are you going?'' but he didn't answer.
I think he had tears in his eyes.
Ah, he's as soft as a cream puff! If I was in Mainwaring's shoes, I'd give him something to cry about! All right, Platoon.
Platoon, atten-tion! Stand at ease! Now, pay attention.
In the 14 months that we've been together, we've had to In the 14 months that we've been together, we've had many trials and tribulations.
Lo - What is it, Warden? - You gonna be long? I don't know.
I've got something important to say to the men.
I As I was saying, we've had to put up - .
.
with many trials and tribulations.
- What's Napoleon going on about? He's got something very important to say.
- Why's he standing on a box? - Well Is that the only way he can get the men to look up to him? -Ssh! - (ALL) Ssh! Yes, ssh! - Long hours on duty - Look, don't shush me, mate! I haven't got all day.
I'm here to ask about the civil defence exercise on Saturday.
- You'll just have to wait.
- We'll soon see about that.
.
.
always preparing for the constant threat of invasion which is just across the Channel.
We've always given of our services quite freely, not looking for any reward.
Indeed .
.
any reward which we may have could only come from some higher authority up above.
# There was a brave old Scotchman at the Battle of Waterloo The wind blew up his petticoats and showed his Hello, Mr Frazer.
Have a nice patrol? For your information, son, the word is Scotsman.
Scotch is something you drink.
But, for the life of me, I cannae understand why you English are so obsessed with what we wear under the kilt.
Cor blimey! It ain't half chilly out tonight.
Good old Pikey.
I see you made some tea.
There's a good boy.
(WIND HOWLS) - Give that to Joe.
- Listen to that wind.
Ta.
- All right? - Good job you're not wearing your kilt, Taffy.
You'd be a bit draughty around the old It's a good job you're not going to mention the word ''kilt'' again, Joe! - Or you'd feel a bit draughty! - Sorry I spoke! - Cor! What did you put in this tea, Pikey? - Don't you like it? - It's not as good as what Mr Godfrey makes.
- Dinnae mention that name to me.
God's sakes! To think we had a conchie in our ranks all this time without knowing it.
What's going to happen to him? Mr Mainwaring will keep him in the platoon until he gets a replacement.
It's a disgrace! A downright disgrace! My mum says men ought to be men.
She told my Uncle Arthur that last night.
I feel a bit sorry for the old boy.
I reckon he's a nice old bloke.
What do you reckon, Jonesy? I don't know.
I've been a soldier all my life.
I don't know about conscious objections.
''Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to do or die.
'' I remember when I was on the North-west Frontier - Of where? - Golders Green.
North-west Frontier, India, my boy.
India.
- We were surrounded by Pathans.
- Black men with turbans? - They're not black.
They're the same as you.
- Do you mean they're green? Oh, Joe! What are you on about? Anyway, they've got cruel faces and hawk-like noses and cruel little beady eyes.
- Hey, just like Taffy here.
- Yes.
- Come to think of it, Taffy is like a Pathan.
- Ach, you're talking balderdash! - I'm a Scotsman, born and bred.
- Maybe his old man had a bicycle.
'Ere, let me get on with it.
Anyway, we was surrounded by thousands of Pathans.
Hey, Jonesy, are they the ones that don't like it up 'em? Oh, shut up! Am I too late to make the tea? I didn't think you were coming, Mr Godfrey.
I've already made it.
Suddenly there's an awfy queer smell round here.
Come on, boys.
It's time we were getting back on patrol.
I've brought some upside-down cakes.
My sister made them.
Would anyone like any? That's very nice of you, Mr Er, no, thanks.
I'm not very hungry, Mr Godfrey.
Thank you very much, Mr Godfrey.
I'll have that one.
- Come on.
- What did you do that for? It's a blue world Without you It's a blue world I shouldn't put any more rags on there, Bill.
I hope this smoke test isn't too much for them, Mr Hodges.
Don't you worry.
They're dead keen.
But we don't want them coming out looking like kippers! Oh, blimey.
Here comes Napoleon.
Platoon, halt! All right.
Just fall out, will you? - Afternoon, Mr Hodges.
- Afternoon.
- We're ready for you.
- Thank you.
Gather round.
We're going to do rescuing an unconscious person from a burning building.
Now, this hut 'ere is full of smoke.
We've been burning damp rags 'ere.
The smoke goes through this pipe 'ere into the hut 'ere.
When you get inside, you'll find a lot of sacks filled with straw.
These sacks represent the bodies.
You take hold of one of these and go out through the flap.
- Take the body up the ladder and over.
- What about all that smoke? We'll suffocate! Not if you do it properly.
I'll just show you.
Right.
Let us pray! - You trying to be funny? - Quiet, Walker.
Right.
Then what you do is this.
Get your nose flat on the floor, like so.
There we are.
Close your mouth.
And unnngh ungh, unngh ungh ungh.
Unnngh ungh, unnngh unngh unngh.
Now, is that quite clear? Whatever you do, do not take your nose off the floor.
And you go along like this.
You can tell by the shape of his nose he's been practising! Permission to speak, sir? Suppose your nose is longer than two inches? For your information, Corporal, my nose is not! Sir, he didn't mean your nose.
Not your actual nose.
He was talking of a hypothetical nose.
Oh, no, I didn't mean Mr Mainwaring had got one of those.
No, no, I didn't mean that.
I don't know what he meant.
- Mr Hodges? Is the floor made out of wood? - Yes, it is.
Why? Well, my mum would object bitterly if I pushed my nose along and got a splinter.
- Damn sissy! - Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, lad.
Don't think anything more of it.
I'LL PUT A BLOODY CARPET DOWN! - Now, Warden, don't swear at my men! - They're enough to make anybody swear.
All they do is argue about the shape of their noses! You don't realise how lucky you are to go through a smoke-filled hut! - People would give their right arm for this! - Get on! This is very dangerous, so please watch very carefully.
My colleague here will go round and count you off as you come through.
If one of you don't appear, I'll nip in and get you.
- Right, round the other side.
- That's very nice (!) - Off you go, Bill.
There's 17 to come through.
- Righto, Mr Hodges.
I shall go through first.
I'm not asking my men to do anything I can't do.
- Think that's wise, sir? - Wilson - Just get the rest of the platoon ready.
- All right, sir.
Yes.
- Number one coming through, Bill! - Righto, Mr Hodges! Permission to speak, Sergeant? Can I be the next one to go through that smoky hole? Yes, off you go, Jonesy.
Quick as you can.
There you are.
Permission to apologise, sir? - What are you doing? You ruined my counting! - Never mind.
There's not enough smoke.
Cancel that first one, Bill! He's come back again! - 'Ooligans! - Corporal! - Sir? - Start leading the men through! Right, sir.
Come on, then.
Follow me.
What do you think you're doing, you maniac?! You'll asphyxiate them! If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well! How are they going, then? Coming through? Come on, come on.
That's it! Come on! Cor blimey! You'll have to do it quicker than that! That's it.
Up you go, lad.
What have we got coming through 'ere? 'Ere! What's your game? Come out! - What are you going back for?! - I forgot my little straw man! - Come on! Get up that ladder! - Just a minute, just a minute.
- Ahhh! - Never tangle with an old butcher.
- For God's sake! - Oh, what are you playing at? - I've got a splinter in my damn nose! - Get over that ladder, you Scots ninny! Go on! Go on! And you! Come on, come on! - Lot of sissies! Go on! - That's five more to go, Mr Hodges.
- Five more.
- There's much more smoke than usual.
It's that Captain Mainwaring, the raving maniac! He put more rags on.
Hurry up.
Would you do me a favour? Just clear out.
- (HODGES) That's very nice! - Through you go, Pike.
You next, Walker.
Put that cigarette out.
No smoking in there.
- Godfrey, you're not going to get out of this.
- I'm not trying to, sir.
You'd jolly well like to.
Off you go.
I'll be right behind you.
None of your conchie tricks here.
- Cor blimey.
It's the one with the scarf.
- Where to now? Over the ladder.
Come on, up the wall.
Oi! I didn't touch you! It was him! Come on, you.
Out.
- Cor blimey, that's only two more to come.
- That's right, Mr Hodges.
- You go over the wall now.
I'll stop here.
- Right you are.
What have we got here, then? Oh, it looks like Ben Gunn! Come on, Grandpa.
All right? Where's Captain Mainwaring? - He's just behind me.
- Oh, he's fireproof.
He's all right.
I'm going over the wall now.
You wait for him.
Right.
Are you all right, Captain Mainwaring? Mr Hodges? Captain Mainwaring hasn't come through yet.
Mr Mr Hodges? All right, Captain Mainwaring.
I'm coming.
Faithful forever Yes, he'll be as right as rain in a day or two, Miss Godfrey.
- See that he gets plenty of rest.
- Yes, thank you, Doctor.
- Is it all right for Mr Mainwaring to come in? - Oh, yes, yes, of course.
Goodbye.
- Thank you, Doctor.
- Thank you.
Goodbye.
- My brother will see you now, Mr Mainwaring.
- Thank you.
(WILSON) Hello, Godfrey.
How are you feeling? - Feeling better? - Very much better.
From my mum.
Mr Godfrey, there's Steady.
There's some nice strengthening sweetbreads for you, Mr Godfrey.
- Very kind of you.
- I brought you a bottle of whisky, son.
- Oh! - And there's your quarter-pound of tea.
- From the Army & Navy? - No, a mate of mine in the air force.
Aren't you going to thank him for saving your life? - Yes, of course I am.
- Give the officer a bit of room.
- Move back, move back.
- That's better.
I may have said harsh things in the past, but I'd like you to know that deep down we're all very, very What's that photograph of you, in uniform? Oh, that was the last war, sir.
Just a minute.
You're wearing the Military Medal.
- Yes, that's right.
- But you told us you were a damn - A conscientious objector.
- So I was.
- Then how could you win the MM? - He volunteered to join the Medical Corps.
And during the Battle of the Somme, he went out into no-man's-land under heavy fire and saved several lives.
- It wasn't as heavy as all that.
- Yes.
I'm sure we're all very sorry to have sat upon you in very strong judgment, Mr Godfrey.
Aye, speaking for myself, I never doubted ye for a single minute.
- Perhaps Godfrey could be our medical orderly.
- What a good idea, Wilson.
Thank you.
Yes.
Well, from now on you're appointed to be medical orderly to the platoon.
Take up your duties as soon as you feel fit.
- Thank you very much.
- We mustn't tire him any more.
Off you go.
(WALKER) Don't do anything I wouldn't do! Nice of you all to come.
Come on, out you go.
(MAINWARING) Quick as we can.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
One thing I One thing I still don't understand, Godfrey.
- What's that? - Why have you never worn your medal? Well, it seemed rather ostentatious.
Ostentatious? If I had won the MM, I'd have been so proud, I'd have worn it on my chest for the world to see.
That would have been all right, sir, because you look like a hero.
It just shows, sir, you can't always go by appearances.
Try and keep still, Jones, will you? Now, tonight Captain Mainwaring is going to be a little bit late, so he's asked me to take charge of training.
Can we fall out and have a bit of a smoke? - I'd rather you didn't, if you don't mind.
- No, all right.
Captain Mainwaring was going to do a little stalking.
That is, how to creep up on an enemy sentry in the dark.
Get old Taffy to do that! He's the biggest creeper of the lot! Just try and settle down, please.
You can laugh, Joe, but it may interest you to know that I'm an expert stalker.
I was one of the finest stalkers in the Highlands.
And you're a chatterbox in the Lowlands! Now, we want somebody to creep up on.
Permission to speak, sir? I volunteer to be the person you creep up on.
You're always volunteering, Jonesy.
I think we ought to get somebody else to take the enemy sentry's part.
- I'd like to take the enemy sentry's part.
- No.
We ought to give some of the others a chance sometimes.
Now, Godfrey You can be the enemy sentry.
Right, you'll need something to sit on.
- I volunteer to be something to sit on! - No, Jones, please.
Get that chair from Mr Mainwaring's office.
Frazer, you know rather more about this than most of us, so perhaps you could - .
.
put us in the picture.
- I'll do that, Sergeant.
Now, then, pay attention, everybody! Now, then You approach your quarry from behind.
- And you always keep downwind of him.
- Why do you do that, Mr Frazer? - So he disnae get your scent.
- But, Jock, humans don't smell humans.
You're not standing where I am, mate! I telt ye once - pay attention! Now, then.
Watch me and I'll give you a demonstration.
Stand back.
Gie's room, gie's room.
Now, I'm creeping up on an enemy sentry.
At night.
Now, you'll notice the way I lift my feet up and put them doon very carefully.
It's most important to watch where you're putting your feet.
Especially if you're walking through a field of cows! Walker, please.
As I was saying, be careful where you put your feet.
You might step on a dry twig and then - snap - the enemy sentry would be at your throat in a minute! Hey! Hang on! Have you gone raving mad or something? It's all right, Joe.
Just always remember to always watch where you're putting your feet.
All right, Godfrey, thank you very much.
Bring it on.
Just put it down here.
Now, sit down.
I'd like somebody to volunteer to blindfold him.
I'd like to do that, to blindfold Mr Godfrey! - There's no need to get so fussed about it all.
- You keep leaving me out of everything.
- All right, just do it, then spin him round.
- Right.
There we are.
There we are.
This reminds me of when I was a child.
A game I played with my sisters.
Putting The Tail On The Donkey.
I remember! That was a good game.
They don't play games like that any more.
Remember Postman's Knock and Kissing The Ring? And then we played Sardines.
- I don't think I liked Sardines.
- He didn't like Sardines.
No, I All right.
Thank you very much.
Now, will you all spread out, please? When I blow the whistle, all creep up on Godfrey and give him a little surprise.
Godfrey, if you hear anything, turn round, point your finger and pretend to shoot.
OK? You'd better have a try.
Just spin round.
There we go.
All right? Pop! - Was that all right, Sergeant? - It wasn't quite, but it will have to do.
Are you all ready now? Right, here we go, then.
We've arrived, Mr Godfrey.
Oh, Lord.
Come on, Godfrey, come along now.
Oh, dear.
I must have dropped off.
Because I was in the dark.
I had a rather tiring day waiting at the clinic.
I'm sure you had.
We ought to try it over again.
This time I'll be the sentry.
- I'll have the whistle! - All right! Just a minute! - You're strangling me! - Yes, all right, all right.
- I'll blindfold you.
- I'd be very grateful.
I find that sort of thing very difficult to do on my own.
Thank you.
- Is everybody ready? - Yes.
- As quick as you can.
- There we are.
- Ready to go.
- All right.
Everybody ready! Bang! - All right, Sergeant, I know I'm dead.
- So sorry, sir.
I thought you were the platoon.
Really? I didn't realise I was as heavy-footed as all that.
- I'd like to see you in the office, please.
- All right, sir.
Will you carry on, Jones? I'm taking the chair this time.
I'm taking the chair this time.
- Let's go and have a cup of tea.
- That's the best idea you've had tonight.
Right.
Everybody ready? Right, let's go.
- Shut the door, Wilson, please.
- Oh, sorry, sir.
Yes.
- Will you just read this letter? - Yes, sir.
- It's addressed to you, sir.
- I know.
Read it.
From Godfrey.
Funny.
- Why should he write to you? - You'll find out.
''Dear Sir, it is with much regret that I must tender to you my resignation.
''Owing to personal reasons, I feel that I can no longer remain as a member of the platoon.
''Therefore I must ask you to accept my two weeks' notice ''as from the end of the week.
''I remain, dear sir, your obedient servant, Charles Godfrey.
'' That's a pity.
We're We're going to miss him.
What do you mean, ''We're going to miss him''? He can't just leave like that.
We can't stop him, sir.
He's given you two weeks' notice.
This is war, Wilson, not Sainsbury's! - Ask him to come in and explain himself.
- Right, sir.
Let's have a look at that rota.
''Monday - Number One Section on patrol.
Gasworks, railway bridge, telephone exchange.
''2250 - Godfrey puts on kettle.
''2258 - Godfrey makes tea, ready for return of patrol at 2300 hours.
''Tuesday - Number Three Section on patrol.
''Godfrey leaves here at 2330, arrives Novelty Rock Emporium 2350.
''Makes tea, ready for arrival of patrol at 2400.
'' Oh, no, no.
I couldn't let him go.
He's far too valuable.
- (KNOCK) - Come in! - You wanted to speak to me, sir? - Yes, I did, Godfrey.
Sit down, will you? - Don't go, Wilson.
I may need you.
- Oh, right.
Now, Godfrey, what's the meaning of this letter? I'm afraid it means that I've got to leave, sir.
You mean you're feeling a little too old for active service now? - No, no, not really.
- What, then? The other morning I got up a little earlier than usual.
I'm usually up about half past seven to make the early morning tea.
Then I take a cup to my sisters.
Until recently, we've had some very good tea from the Army & Navy Stores, but now we'll take anything we can get.
I quite agree with you, my dear fellow.
The stuff we get now is terrible.
- All those little fluffs of tea floating - Wilson, do you mind? I beg your pardon.
Do go on.
What has this got to do with your leaving? I'm just coming to that.
Where was I? About to make the early morning tea.
Oh, yes.
Well, I went to the larder to get the milk and then I saw something that made me realise I just couldn't possibly carry on any longer.
- What on earth was that? - A mouse.
- A mouse? - Yes.
There was a great big pudding basin, empty in the larder.
This mouse had fallen into it.
It was running round inside, trying to get out.
I knew I ought to kill it because we're infested by mice, so I managed to grab hold of it and then, as I held it in my hand, I felt its little heart beating under the fur and I couldn't bring myself to do it.
What did you do? Well, I I took it into the garden and let it go.
Godfrey, I I'm still not clear as to what this has to do with your leaving the platoon.
Don't you see, sir? If I couldn't kill that mouse, how could I kill a German? You should've thought of that before joining the Home Guard.
But the Home Guard was so desperate, I thought it'd be different to last time.
Things are still desperate, Godfrey.
Nazis could invade us at any moment.
We need every man we can lay our hands on.
Different from last time? The last war, sir.
I was a conscientious objector.
Oh, I see.
You were a what?! - A conscientious objector.
- A consci You mean you didn't want to fight? Not really, sir.
Well, I I can't believe this, Godfrey.
I just can't believe it.
- I think I think you'd better go home.
- Very good, sir.
- You don't want me to do anything tonight? - No, I don't, thank you.
Just go.
I'm terribly sorry about this.
I've enjoyed so much being with you all.
- I hope my service has given every satisfaction.
- Get out.
Sir, don't you? Don't you think you're being a little bit harsh? - Harsh?! Harsh, Wilson? - Yes.
We've been harbouring a damn conchie and you say I'm being harsh! - A man must follow his own inclinations, sir.
- Where would the country be if we all did that? Suppose you'd just finished work at the bank and went for tea with Mrs Pike.
When you arrived, you found some Nazi storm trooper forcing his attentions on her.
- How would you feel then, eh? - Oh, really, sir! That strikes home, doesn't it? Cuts to the bone.
That's rather an old-fashioned argument, sir.
Perhaps I am old-fashioned.
I can't stand cranks.
Can you imagine a man not wanting to fight? It isn't normal! - What are you going to do about it, sir? - I know I'd like to give him the Rogue's March.
- Rogue's March? - They used to do that in the British army.
If a man brought disgrace on his regiment, they'd parade him in front of the men, take the gold braid from his hat, strip off his epaulettes, tear down his medals, break his sword in half Ohh! You can hardly do that to Godfrey, sir.
He's only wearing a suit of denim.
- Yes, all right.
Get the men on parade.
- What'll you say to them? I'll tell them the truth.
I may not be able to tear off his epaulettes physically, but I will verbally! I'm nobody's baby Jonesy, what's the idea of this parade? What's the big mystery? All I know is Mr Mainwaring said to parade.
I think he's going to make a special announcement or - 'Ere, where's Godfrey? - He went home half an hour ago.
I said, ''Where are you going?'' but he didn't answer.
I think he had tears in his eyes.
Ah, he's as soft as a cream puff! If I was in Mainwaring's shoes, I'd give him something to cry about! All right, Platoon.
Platoon, atten-tion! Stand at ease! Now, pay attention.
In the 14 months that we've been together, we've had to In the 14 months that we've been together, we've had many trials and tribulations.
Lo - What is it, Warden? - You gonna be long? I don't know.
I've got something important to say to the men.
I As I was saying, we've had to put up - .
.
with many trials and tribulations.
- What's Napoleon going on about? He's got something very important to say.
- Why's he standing on a box? - Well Is that the only way he can get the men to look up to him? -Ssh! - (ALL) Ssh! Yes, ssh! - Long hours on duty - Look, don't shush me, mate! I haven't got all day.
I'm here to ask about the civil defence exercise on Saturday.
- You'll just have to wait.
- We'll soon see about that.
.
.
always preparing for the constant threat of invasion which is just across the Channel.
We've always given of our services quite freely, not looking for any reward.
Indeed .
.
any reward which we may have could only come from some higher authority up above.
# There was a brave old Scotchman at the Battle of Waterloo The wind blew up his petticoats and showed his Hello, Mr Frazer.
Have a nice patrol? For your information, son, the word is Scotsman.
Scotch is something you drink.
But, for the life of me, I cannae understand why you English are so obsessed with what we wear under the kilt.
Cor blimey! It ain't half chilly out tonight.
Good old Pikey.
I see you made some tea.
There's a good boy.
(WIND HOWLS) - Give that to Joe.
- Listen to that wind.
Ta.
- All right? - Good job you're not wearing your kilt, Taffy.
You'd be a bit draughty around the old It's a good job you're not going to mention the word ''kilt'' again, Joe! - Or you'd feel a bit draughty! - Sorry I spoke! - Cor! What did you put in this tea, Pikey? - Don't you like it? - It's not as good as what Mr Godfrey makes.
- Dinnae mention that name to me.
God's sakes! To think we had a conchie in our ranks all this time without knowing it.
What's going to happen to him? Mr Mainwaring will keep him in the platoon until he gets a replacement.
It's a disgrace! A downright disgrace! My mum says men ought to be men.
She told my Uncle Arthur that last night.
I feel a bit sorry for the old boy.
I reckon he's a nice old bloke.
What do you reckon, Jonesy? I don't know.
I've been a soldier all my life.
I don't know about conscious objections.
''Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to do or die.
'' I remember when I was on the North-west Frontier - Of where? - Golders Green.
North-west Frontier, India, my boy.
India.
- We were surrounded by Pathans.
- Black men with turbans? - They're not black.
They're the same as you.
- Do you mean they're green? Oh, Joe! What are you on about? Anyway, they've got cruel faces and hawk-like noses and cruel little beady eyes.
- Hey, just like Taffy here.
- Yes.
- Come to think of it, Taffy is like a Pathan.
- Ach, you're talking balderdash! - I'm a Scotsman, born and bred.
- Maybe his old man had a bicycle.
'Ere, let me get on with it.
Anyway, we was surrounded by thousands of Pathans.
Hey, Jonesy, are they the ones that don't like it up 'em? Oh, shut up! Am I too late to make the tea? I didn't think you were coming, Mr Godfrey.
I've already made it.
Suddenly there's an awfy queer smell round here.
Come on, boys.
It's time we were getting back on patrol.
I've brought some upside-down cakes.
My sister made them.
Would anyone like any? That's very nice of you, Mr Er, no, thanks.
I'm not very hungry, Mr Godfrey.
Thank you very much, Mr Godfrey.
I'll have that one.
- Come on.
- What did you do that for? It's a blue world Without you It's a blue world I shouldn't put any more rags on there, Bill.
I hope this smoke test isn't too much for them, Mr Hodges.
Don't you worry.
They're dead keen.
But we don't want them coming out looking like kippers! Oh, blimey.
Here comes Napoleon.
Platoon, halt! All right.
Just fall out, will you? - Afternoon, Mr Hodges.
- Afternoon.
- We're ready for you.
- Thank you.
Gather round.
We're going to do rescuing an unconscious person from a burning building.
Now, this hut 'ere is full of smoke.
We've been burning damp rags 'ere.
The smoke goes through this pipe 'ere into the hut 'ere.
When you get inside, you'll find a lot of sacks filled with straw.
These sacks represent the bodies.
You take hold of one of these and go out through the flap.
- Take the body up the ladder and over.
- What about all that smoke? We'll suffocate! Not if you do it properly.
I'll just show you.
Right.
Let us pray! - You trying to be funny? - Quiet, Walker.
Right.
Then what you do is this.
Get your nose flat on the floor, like so.
There we are.
Close your mouth.
And unnngh ungh, unngh ungh ungh.
Unnngh ungh, unnngh unngh unngh.
Now, is that quite clear? Whatever you do, do not take your nose off the floor.
And you go along like this.
You can tell by the shape of his nose he's been practising! Permission to speak, sir? Suppose your nose is longer than two inches? For your information, Corporal, my nose is not! Sir, he didn't mean your nose.
Not your actual nose.
He was talking of a hypothetical nose.
Oh, no, I didn't mean Mr Mainwaring had got one of those.
No, no, I didn't mean that.
I don't know what he meant.
- Mr Hodges? Is the floor made out of wood? - Yes, it is.
Why? Well, my mum would object bitterly if I pushed my nose along and got a splinter.
- Damn sissy! - Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, lad.
Don't think anything more of it.
I'LL PUT A BLOODY CARPET DOWN! - Now, Warden, don't swear at my men! - They're enough to make anybody swear.
All they do is argue about the shape of their noses! You don't realise how lucky you are to go through a smoke-filled hut! - People would give their right arm for this! - Get on! This is very dangerous, so please watch very carefully.
My colleague here will go round and count you off as you come through.
If one of you don't appear, I'll nip in and get you.
- Right, round the other side.
- That's very nice (!) - Off you go, Bill.
There's 17 to come through.
- Righto, Mr Hodges.
I shall go through first.
I'm not asking my men to do anything I can't do.
- Think that's wise, sir? - Wilson - Just get the rest of the platoon ready.
- All right, sir.
Yes.
- Number one coming through, Bill! - Righto, Mr Hodges! Permission to speak, Sergeant? Can I be the next one to go through that smoky hole? Yes, off you go, Jonesy.
Quick as you can.
There you are.
Permission to apologise, sir? - What are you doing? You ruined my counting! - Never mind.
There's not enough smoke.
Cancel that first one, Bill! He's come back again! - 'Ooligans! - Corporal! - Sir? - Start leading the men through! Right, sir.
Come on, then.
Follow me.
What do you think you're doing, you maniac?! You'll asphyxiate them! If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well! How are they going, then? Coming through? Come on, come on.
That's it! Come on! Cor blimey! You'll have to do it quicker than that! That's it.
Up you go, lad.
What have we got coming through 'ere? 'Ere! What's your game? Come out! - What are you going back for?! - I forgot my little straw man! - Come on! Get up that ladder! - Just a minute, just a minute.
- Ahhh! - Never tangle with an old butcher.
- For God's sake! - Oh, what are you playing at? - I've got a splinter in my damn nose! - Get over that ladder, you Scots ninny! Go on! Go on! And you! Come on, come on! - Lot of sissies! Go on! - That's five more to go, Mr Hodges.
- Five more.
- There's much more smoke than usual.
It's that Captain Mainwaring, the raving maniac! He put more rags on.
Hurry up.
Would you do me a favour? Just clear out.
- (HODGES) That's very nice! - Through you go, Pike.
You next, Walker.
Put that cigarette out.
No smoking in there.
- Godfrey, you're not going to get out of this.
- I'm not trying to, sir.
You'd jolly well like to.
Off you go.
I'll be right behind you.
None of your conchie tricks here.
- Cor blimey.
It's the one with the scarf.
- Where to now? Over the ladder.
Come on, up the wall.
Oi! I didn't touch you! It was him! Come on, you.
Out.
- Cor blimey, that's only two more to come.
- That's right, Mr Hodges.
- You go over the wall now.
I'll stop here.
- Right you are.
What have we got here, then? Oh, it looks like Ben Gunn! Come on, Grandpa.
All right? Where's Captain Mainwaring? - He's just behind me.
- Oh, he's fireproof.
He's all right.
I'm going over the wall now.
You wait for him.
Right.
Are you all right, Captain Mainwaring? Mr Hodges? Captain Mainwaring hasn't come through yet.
Mr Mr Hodges? All right, Captain Mainwaring.
I'm coming.
Faithful forever Yes, he'll be as right as rain in a day or two, Miss Godfrey.
- See that he gets plenty of rest.
- Yes, thank you, Doctor.
- Is it all right for Mr Mainwaring to come in? - Oh, yes, yes, of course.
Goodbye.
- Thank you, Doctor.
- Thank you.
Goodbye.
- My brother will see you now, Mr Mainwaring.
- Thank you.
(WILSON) Hello, Godfrey.
How are you feeling? - Feeling better? - Very much better.
From my mum.
Mr Godfrey, there's Steady.
There's some nice strengthening sweetbreads for you, Mr Godfrey.
- Very kind of you.
- I brought you a bottle of whisky, son.
- Oh! - And there's your quarter-pound of tea.
- From the Army & Navy? - No, a mate of mine in the air force.
Aren't you going to thank him for saving your life? - Yes, of course I am.
- Give the officer a bit of room.
- Move back, move back.
- That's better.
I may have said harsh things in the past, but I'd like you to know that deep down we're all very, very What's that photograph of you, in uniform? Oh, that was the last war, sir.
Just a minute.
You're wearing the Military Medal.
- Yes, that's right.
- But you told us you were a damn - A conscientious objector.
- So I was.
- Then how could you win the MM? - He volunteered to join the Medical Corps.
And during the Battle of the Somme, he went out into no-man's-land under heavy fire and saved several lives.
- It wasn't as heavy as all that.
- Yes.
I'm sure we're all very sorry to have sat upon you in very strong judgment, Mr Godfrey.
Aye, speaking for myself, I never doubted ye for a single minute.
- Perhaps Godfrey could be our medical orderly.
- What a good idea, Wilson.
Thank you.
Yes.
Well, from now on you're appointed to be medical orderly to the platoon.
Take up your duties as soon as you feel fit.
- Thank you very much.
- We mustn't tire him any more.
Off you go.
(WALKER) Don't do anything I wouldn't do! Nice of you all to come.
Come on, out you go.
(MAINWARING) Quick as we can.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
One thing I One thing I still don't understand, Godfrey.
- What's that? - Why have you never worn your medal? Well, it seemed rather ostentatious.
Ostentatious? If I had won the MM, I'd have been so proud, I'd have worn it on my chest for the world to see.
That would have been all right, sir, because you look like a hero.
It just shows, sir, you can't always go by appearances.