Daria s03e11 Episode Script

Settle down, young people! Now, before the varsity interpretive dance team begins its performance, "History, We Are You", we have a brief announcement from some special guests, agents - No names.
- No credentials.
Student, we'll be brief.
We've received some disturbing reports from this school, and we're asking for your cooperation.
Keep your eyes open.
Watch for people who are different.
They know who they are.
And with your help, kids, so will we.
"Different," eh? I wonder what I get if I turn you in? More free time to spend with Kevin and Brittany.
Curse you different ones and your insidious logic.
From outer space to in your face! Aliens walk among us! A Sick, Sad World exclusive.
Oh, look, they're going to explain the return of disco.
The aliens aren't coming.
They're already here.
They could be your friends, your family.
They act almost normal, but something's off.
Yes, the TV.
If there were any aliens smart enough to come here, they wouldn't be stupid enough to come here.
There goes my trick ear again.
What was that? Let's say I'm an alien and you're you.
Part of this better be hypothetical.
Now, why would I, a being from the highly advanced planet Zippotron, travel light-years just to take over your body and go to high school? Because Wednesday's Jell-O day? Exactly.
Wouldn't it make more sense to rig up some remote system of control? Neck implants or something? Then they could make you do stuff like go to the mall or think about hair without actually having to do it themselves.
Makes more sense than a full-scale infiltration.
Oh, yes.
Much, much more sense.
All right, then.
What is that music? I don't know.
It's been going on for two days now.
You don't know how much I want you to tell me that isn't Trent playing.
You don't know how much I wish I could.
maybe there's something to your remote control theory after all.
Come on, Daria.
Something interesting must have happened yesterday.
Hmm nope.
How about that friend of yours? What's new with her? Not much.
What about the newspaper? Read anything interesting lately? I did see an article by an efficiency expert who claims one really intense conversation with your child over breakfast is worth a whole week of unfocused parenting.
Did you catch that article? Well how about TV? Seen anything good recently? Just the usual crazy guy claiming aliens are walking our streets.
Well, of course they are.
Many of them can't afford a car.
No shame in that.
Hmm what?! I'll get it! Jake, keep up the momentum.
Ten-four.
Heck, Daria, your mother's right.
We were all aliens at one point or another, right, kiddo? Hellooo? We were all aliens? Quinn, telephone! I'll take it up here! Why didn't she come down for breakfast? Daria, is anything wrong with Quinn? If this weren't a school day, I might have the time to begin answering that.
Morning! Morning, sunshine.
Why, look at your hat.
What's with the new look, daddy-o? New look? What new look? I'm dressed like I am every day, more or less.
Neck implants or something? Makes more sense than a full-scale infiltration.
Well, of course they are.
Many of them can't afford a car.
We were all aliens at one point or another.
Right, kiddo? You know that spending too much time with your family makes you hear voices.
Get out! Well, me, oh my, look at the time.
I'd better get to school.
Bye! Well, that was odd.
Quinn, is anything wrong with Daria? If this weren't a school day, I might have time It's not like her to act so prejudiced against immigrants.
What? All of a sudden, she doesn't like aliens.
Who does? Aliens impregnate you and then they pop out of your chest and kill you while you're trying to eat lunch.
What's to like? Gotta go! Bye! What exactly are they teaching about immigration at that school? I don't know, honey, but that sounds like a fascinating topic for a discussion! Oh, Jake, give it up.
No, I'm not saying Quinn's an evil space creature.
Oh, go ahead.
It sounds so cool.
I just think it's strange that she's suddenly covering up her neck.
When was the last time you saw Kevin without his neck thing? You're talking implants? I heard that, and it's not true! I guess she thought you meant her U.
F.
O.
s.
U.
F.
O.
s? Have you two been watching The X-Files? I know I have.
And that's good.
But you know what's interesting? Why do you encourage him? All this creepy science fiction is just a throwback to the old Cold War paranoia.
Aliens in the sky, communists under the bed.
Exactly, Daria! And accusations flying, all because of atomic jitters.
You're a communist! You're an alien! Trade you Cuba for Jupiter.
One stood for the other in those old movies.
Now tell us about the time before microwave popcorn.
Oh, gosh, does that take me back! Quinn, if you refuse to explain your strange outfit, I'm afraid the Fashion Club will have to consider sanctions.
I'll tell you later, I promise! I swear! It's not an anti-fashion statement.
Very well.
But we have only your word to go on.
Hey, Quinn, Mr.
O'Neill says that girl from your house is an atomic communist.
Yeah, and her friend's an alien.
Gross.
I knew it! It's just like I thought when they made us have pep rallies for field hockey.
We're being invaded by communists! Bro! Daria and Jane are communists planted here by the government to wreck team sports.
Remember that game when you fell on your head? Remember how you thought Vince Lombardi was sending you plays from hell? Heaven, bro! Vince Lombardi did not go to hell.
But if Quinn's cousin is an atomic communist from Mars, shouldn't she have a more interesting outfit? Stop it, Tiffany! You're scaring me! Yeah, yeah, I heard it, too.
Two of my favorite luscious ladies out to enslave Earth males and end gym class? Someone's been reading my dreams.
A lot of weirdness around here lately.
Yeah.
I won't be sorry to see this day end.
You say that every day.
Oh, yeah.
Although this one was especially strange.
But the worst is over now.
Remove these restraints! Governmental thugs! This isn't Stalingrad! You're damn right, pal.
And it isn't going to be.
You can't do this.
I'm an educator! Say it again! It only makes it easier.
Um, the worst is over now? Don't bet on it.
Quinn, I'm so happy you're still one of us.
Really.
Well, God, Stacy, what did you think? Quinn's right, Stacy.
Just because she was acting completely weird and not confiding in her dearest, most loyal friends is no reason to decide she'd finally given up her sad charade and revealed herself as a two-faced, little Um, let's resume discussing plaids later.
Plaids? Yes, Stacy.
Plaids.
Okay, plaids.
I'll see you to the door and, you know, open it and stuff.
Quinn, I'm so happy you're still one of us.
Would you stop with the voices already? Come on, not even aliens would give the planet to the Fashion Club.
You're getting paranoid.
I'm not talking about aliens.
But there's something out there.
Something stupid.
You get rattled too easily.
By the way, can you come over here right now? I'm really scared.
I see.
And to what do I owe this mood swing? It's Trent's song.
You gotta listen and tell me if it's getting more cheerful.
Now who's paranoid? Come on, I'll order a pizza.
And don't tell your folks where you're going.
I don't want your mother getting all motherly.
Hey, kiddo! Going out? Yeah, I'm going for, um a power walk.
A power walk? Helen, Helen, it's Daria! She just went for a walk! That's encouraging.
Encouraging?! Don't you see? Daria's turning wholesome and Quinn's a beatnik.
What's going on? Well, it's simple.
They've switched personalities.
They have?! It's a joke, Jake.
Geez! Oh, Quinn! Hi, honey! Your mother and I couldn't help noticing you and Daria have been acting a little different lately.
Is there anything we should know? Uh, let me think.
Today Mr.
O'Neill said that Daria is some kind of communist and she's out to destroy the American way of life.
Okay, I'm going to Sandi's.
Bye! Oh, my God! Did you hear that? Oh, Jake, that man O'Neill has a screw loose.
Besides, communists like downtrodden aliens.
I remember now.
He said she was an atomic communist.
Okay, see you! Gak! An atomic communist! Jake, if you want I'll call that Mr.
DeMartino.
He's a bit high-strung but he's a fixture at that school, and he can tell us if anything odd is happening.
Oh, yeah, and Mr.
DeMartino was led off in handcuffs.
Toodle-oo! God! G-g-g-g Oh, my.
Come on now.
Aliens don't hide in the bushes.
It's probably just a stalker.
Yes, a stalker out to plant a teen in a shallow grave.
Perfectly normal.
I feel much better now.
But, Kevvy.
Kevvy! Didn't you say we were going to follow her and save the world and stuff? Oh, yeah.
But I don't think we have to save the world right this second.
Great! Que passionato! Hey! We're trying to save the world here! And I'm trying to find the space maidens' ship so they can take me back and make me their love slave.
Oh, cool.
Well, you were right.
Everyone has gone crazy.
I knew you'd try something, Kevin.
I figured I owed it to the team to keep you from humiliating yourself.
Mr.
O'Neill? Don't tell me you're hunting communists, too? I wouldn't call it hunting.
I heard a rumor about secret police kidnapping educators and spiriting them off to the gulag.
But me? No.
I frequently go for walks with a, um, flashlight in case the streetlights go out.
These reds come red-hot from the red planet itself.
We're talking Mars.
Charles, I think you mean Marx.
Darn! There goes my flashlight again! Where'd you drop it? You made it.
Cool.
I was starting to whoa! Found it! Great.
Now maybe you can answer our question.
Why are we all sneaking around with flashlights? Did we just see a U.
F.
O.
? You're getting paranoid.
It's probably just an informal get-together of local stalkers.
You know, hang out, swap stories, try out each other's skeleton keys.
But only an idiot would go stalking with a flashlight.
Come on.
This is Lawndale.
Oh, yeah.
You're right, Jodie.
We've all been acting very foolish.
Hey, man, speak for yourself.
Oh! Sorry, Kevin.
But I wonder if maybe a rally might be in order.
You know, something before classes to promote understanding, remove the fear, and increase the peace.
That's when we have practice! He's trying to destroy football.
He's one of them! Who? Um I thought you knew.
Well! Is that song getting happier or am I just getting more miserable? It's verging on bouncy, all right.
But please, continue with your delightful presentation.
Okay, looky.
You've got these government types at school telling us to watch out for weird behavior.
Then the alien nut on TV says the same thing.
Meanwhile, your parents are weird, your sister is weird, and all the kids at school look at us funny.
That's not new.
Yeah, but now there's respect.
And that song? Maybe it's the alien signal and Trent's beckoning to the U.
F.
O.
Ah, but the U.
F.
O.
went away.
Well, maybe aliens don't like sucky music and he's actually trying to save humanity.
When do we get to the crop circles? Uh-oh.
The music stopped.
Hey what's going on? Nothing.
- Nada.
- Not a thing.
Um that's some song you're working on.
It's different.
Nothing different about it.
Nothing at all.
I gotta go and, uh, practice my same music that uh isn't any different from the other stuff I play.
What was that? You're starting to get weirded out, aren't you? No, absolutely not.
Pizza! Could you hurry up? I got other pizzas to deliver, and if I don't get them there on time, they're free.
I really gotta go.
On your way over here, you didn't see any, lights in the sky or anything, did you? Oh, no! They're back?! I hope they don't plan to experiment on me this time.
I was a mess the last time.
See, they replace your skin with synthetic skin that stretches real tight on your head in the summer.
That's why they come at night.
It makes it easier to steal your dreams.
They got this big, big suction device that and anyone who tells you aliens are taking over their body is nuts.
All they want is our skin 'cause your skin remembers what it feels.
Hey, you ever written any lyrics? Fired again? Man, this happens all the time.
Ever since my encounter with those darn aliens! We've got to face it, Helen.
We're the enemy! We're the people we marched against! That's why Daria has turned communist! That's why we've lost our little girl! Jake, Daria's never once called us capitalist pigs or running dogs for the bosses.
This is probably just her way of engaging in some kind of social activity.
Socialist, you mean! What's happened to us? The house, the cars, my relaxed-fit pants! All these things, all this relaxing? We've got to recapture that hard moral core and get back to the soil.
All right, Jake, no more coffee after dinner.
Back from your power walk, sweetie? Um oh, yeah.
So you're walking for power, is that it? Want to take over? Kick over the whole apple cart? Well, let me tell you, young lady, if it's a group you want to join, there's a little bunch I know called the human race, and it ain't half bad! Yeah.
Thanks, Dad.
That's tremendously helpful.
Let's just make that no more coffee for you ever.
Yeah.
So that's why I say : commies aren't team players, so keep them out of team sports.
All right! Yay, no commie team! Um, thank you, Kevin.
But actually, the communist is your ultimate team player.
The team is all; the individual, nothing.
Well then, never mind.
All right! Go, commies, go! Good morning.
As you know, we're here to clear up some misunderstandings and suspicions so we can all feel better about each other and ourselves.
So without further ado, I present to you a work in progress, a solo performance I call: "Nothing to Lose But His Chains: The Life of Karl Marx.
" The year is 1848.
Oh, dear, that's my exercise tape.
Anthony! You weren't kidnapped! All right! I finally convinced those glorified dogcatchers from Immigration that I am not an illegal alien.
But now I have a question.
Who told them I was? Oh, anyone can make a mistake.
Damn it! Maybe it was the mind control babes from space, Mr.
D.
, trying to create a distraction.
Who? Them.
Um, I hate to wreck a perfectly good lynching, but you're the ones acting weird.
Us? Mr.
O'Neill said you're out to destroy football.
No! I was telling them about how communists and Martians are the same.
That'll clear things up.
So there's no communist unfiltration? And there's no alien takeover? Oh, I don't know.
How do you explain that? Don't say it.
Let them kill us.
We're dressed this way for Fashion Club solidarity.
One of us has a problem.
That's all you need to know.
Oh, dear! What kind of problem? A private problem.
It's a neck zit! Stacy! Don't worry, Quinn.
They still don't know it's you.
Did I say the wrong thing? Don't worry about it.
I liked it better when they were under alien control.
It was so much more believable.
So you see, everyone? Mr.
DeMartino's disappearance, all these communist and alien worries simple misunderstandings, all of them.
What do you say we cement our newfound unity by joining hands and singing "Man in the Mirror"? Oh, dear.
See? Look! What'd I tell you? Secret hush-hush gatherings right out in the open! What is going on? I didn't approve any assembly.
- This is a serious breach of discipline.
- But I People, people how do you get this to work? Disperse immediately.
Damn piece of crap.
Kids are half deaf from their damn music, anyway.
This assembly is unauthorized oh, the hell with it.
Hey, can I try that thing? So you finally convinced your dad that you're not a communist? Yeah, I'm showing him how much I love money by hitting him up for it every chance I get.
Hey, it's Trent's hell music! So that's why he was acting strange.
He was writing a jingle.
If you don't have a car or your present car sucks, go to Happy Herb with a few thousand bucks.
Then you can drive here, you can drive there, drive where you want, Happy Herb don't care.
It won't make you better or smarter, that true, but you can drive around when there's nothing else to do.
So Go buy a car, buy a damn car, hit the road to nowhere in your Happy Herb car.
I'm Happy Herb, and I sell cars, so come on down.
So now you know.
Oh, um, nice jingle.
You don't have to tell me.
I'm a complete sell-out.
But I really needed the gig.
What's the going rate for an artist's soul these days? and a set of tires.
That's it? They're new tires.
Hey, look, it's that guy.
And what unspeakable acts did the space beings perform on you? They took my flesh and replaced it with an alien synthetic skin.
A skin capable of sensations you can't even imagine.
But that's not the worst of it.
he's gonna get his skin wet and shrink it.
They used me, and then they made me lose my job.
You saw it first on Sick, Sad World.
Alien love goddesses are depriving Americans of their skins and their jobs.
Hey, cool.
We should be upset, right? I don't know.
Those outfits look pretty good.
Written by Peter Elwell Réponses au blindtest : music in SSW interview ? - ? Daria's thoughts during breakfast Cypress Hill - Throw Your Set in the Air Jake instantly falling asleep ? - ? Daria's thoughts after seeing the Fashion Club Cypress Hill - Throw Your Set in the Air Daria walking to Jane's house Powerman Artie arrives with pizza Powerman 5000 - Tokyo Vigilante #1 Artie talking with Daria and Jane Powerman 5000 - Tokyo Vigilante #1 arriving at school rally ? - ? accusations flying at rally Ja Rule - Holla Holla closing credits Spice Girls - Outer Space Girls