Doug (1991) s03e11 Episode Script

[ yelps]
[ barks]
[ electric guitar playing]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
[ barks]
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL, THE GOOD NEWS IS
OUR ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL,
MR. BONE, IS OUT.
THE BAD NEW IS
HE'S IN THE HOSPITAL.
Mrs. Wingo:
ALL RIGHT,
CLASS
JUST WRITE "GET WELL SOON,
MR. BONE"
IN YOUR WORDS.
WHEN YOU'RE DONE
YOU MAY GO.
NOW, I NEED SOMEONE TO STAY
AND TAKE THE CARDS
TO MR. BONE AT THE HOSPITAL.
WHY, THANK YOU, DOUG.
HUH?
MR. BONE WILL FEEL BETTER
WHEN YOU SHOW UP
WITH THESE CARDS.
ME?
VISIT MR. BONE?
IN THE HOSPITAL?
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
Woman:
Paging Dr. Gore, Dr. Gore.
THIS WAS TERRIBLE.
I HAD TO SEE MR. BONE
THE UNFRIENDLIEST
VICE-PRINCIPAL IN BLUFFINGTON.
AND WHO KNEW WHAT
HE WAS IN HERE FOR.
AH, FUNNIE! COME IN, COME IN.
HOW'D YOU KNOW
IT WAS ME, MR. BONE?
PEEK-A-BOO!
[ laughs]
[ gasps]
NOW I CAN KEEP MY EYES
ON YOU HOOLIGANS
AT ALL TIMES.
[ laughing maniacally]
IT'S ME, MR. BONE, DOUG FUNNIE.
[ weakly:]
DOUG FUNNIE
WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW.
COME IN.
ARE YOU OKAY, MR. BONE?
OH, I'M FINE--
AS FINE AS SOMEONE CAN BE
WHO'S ABOUT TO TO
I BROUGHT SOMETHING
TO CHEER YOU UP.
FOR ME?
OH, BOY.
NO, MR. BONE, THAT'S
NOBODY HAS EVER GIVEN ME
A REAL GET-WELL PRESENT BEFORE.
USUALLY I JUST GE
A LOUSY CARD TREE.
I, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.
SAY GOOD-BYE.
TIME TO
REMOVE THAT WART.
A WART?
FROM HIS LITTLE PINKIE.
NO, PLEASE, NURSE,
DON'T CUT ME YET.
I'M NOT READY.
I I HELP!
HE STILL HAD
MY SKATEBOARD.
WHAT WILL YOU DO?
HE'S COMING BACK.
I'LL JUST ASK HIM
FOR IT BACK.
I MEAN, WHAT'S
MR. BONE GOING TO DO
WITH A SKATEBOARD?
Mr. Bone:
KOWABUNGA!
WHOA!
SURF'S UP.
HEY, DUDE!
DON'T LEAVE
ME HANGING.
LAY SOME
SKIN ON ME.
WELL
EXCELLENT.
HUH?
COME TO MY OFFICE.
I'VE GOT SOMETHING
TO SHOW YOU.
WAS IT A WART THEY
REMOVED OR HIS BRAIN?
WHEE! AWESOME.
COME IN,FUNNIE.
MR. BONE?
GOT YOU.
SIT DOWN, DUDE, SIT DOWN.
YES, MR. BONE.
FROM NOW ON
I WANT EVERYONE
TO CALL ME T-BONE.
THAT WAS MY
NICKNAME IN SCHOOL.
YES, MR. T-BONE.
THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY LIFE.
HUH?
I DIDN'T THINK I'D MAKE I
THROUGH THE WARTECTOMY.
YOU KNOW WHY?
NO.
BECAUSE I
DIDN'T THINK
ANYBODY CARED.
BUT THEN, A MIRACULOUS
THING HAPPENED
AS THEY WERE PUTTING
ME TO SLEEP.
I DREAMT I WAS GLIDING BACK INTO
THE WONDERFUL LAND OF CHILDHOOD.
All:
T-BONE!! YAY!!
WE LOVE T-BONE,
WE LOVE T-BONE
Mr. Bone:
IT WAS A MAGICAL PLACE
FILLED WITH HAPPINESS AND JOY
LAKES OF HOT CHOCOLATE AND
MILES AND MILES OF SIDEWALK
AND EVERYONE LIKED ME.
WE PLAYED FOR HOURS AND HOURS
WITH NO GROWNUPS
TO BOSS US AROUND.
AND WHEN I AWOKE
I WAS A CHANGED MAN
AND ALL BECAUSE YOUR GIF
ALLOWED THE CHILD HIDDEN INSIDE
ME TO COME SKATEBOARDING OUT.
THANK YOU,
FUNNIE.
OW!
[ electric buzzer]
FROM NOW ON
WE'RE GOING
TO BE GREAT PALS.
IT TURNED OUT MR. BONE
REALLY WAS A CHANGED MAN.
Ms. Wingo:
"AND THEN
KING LUDWIG
OF BAVARIA WENT INSANE"
Mr. Bone:
Attention, everyone.
There's been a change
in today's schedule.
School is dismissed.
BUT IT'S ONLY
11:30 IN THE MORNING.
Oh, lighten up,
you old stick-in-the-mud.
Get a skateboard.
[ cushion deflating]
Got you.
MAN, THIS IS GREAT.
A WHOLE AFTERNOON TO
DO WHATEVER WE WANT.
WHATEVER YOU DID,
DOUG, KEEP IT UP.
DO YOU GUYS WANT TO GO
OVER TO THE HONKER BURGER?
I'M STARVING.
Mr. Bone:
WHAT WAS
THAT, FUNNIE?
DID YOU SAY HONKER BURGER?
I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN.
MAYBE I BETTER GO HOME
AND CATCH UP ON MY HOMEWORK.
YEAH, ME, TOO.
Mr. Bone:
LAST ONE THERE BUYS.
WHY ME?
THAT'S ALL I KEPT ASKING
MYSELF ALL AFTERNOON.
WHY ME?
[ barking like a seal]
PULL MY FINGER,
FUNNIE.
AND IT DIDN'T END THERE.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
NO SCHOOL.
HUH?
WE GE
THE DAY OFF.
MR. BONE DECLARED
IT SKATEBOARD DAY.
[ Mr. Bone laughing]
OKAY, SEE YOU.
DOUG
WHERE YOU
GOING?
HEY, KEEP IT UP
AND MAYBE WE'LL
GET THE MONTH OFF.
PLEASE,
DOUG, PLEASE.
[ sighs]
JUST WATCH
OUT FOR THE
YOU'RE THE HUNDREDTH KID
I'VE NAILED TODAY.
MR. T-BONE, YOU GO
TO CUT THIS STUFF OUT.
OOH, DID MR. PARTY POOPER GET UP
ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED
THIS MORNING?
IT'S ALL IN FUN!
SINCE WE'VE
GOT THE DAY OFF
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO
TO SUICIDE MOUNTAIN, HUH?
BUT, MR. BONE, THAT'S ONLY
FOR REALLY GOOD SKATEBOARDERS.
COME ON, DOUG, DO IT.
COME ON, MAN.
YOU'RE JUS
SAYING THA
BECAUSE YOU DON'
WANT TO GO WITH ME.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE DECLARED I
SKATEBOARD DAY.
I SHOULDN'
DECLARE
ANY MORE
HOLIDAYS AT ALL.
All:
DOUG, COME ON, PLEASE.
IT'S NOT THAT.
IT'S JUST THAT
THEN YOU'LL GO?
THIS WAS AWFUL.
IF I DIDN'T GO WITH MR. BONE
EVERYONE WOULD HATE ME.
AND IF I DID GO WITH MR. BONE
Doug:
I DON'T THINK
WE WANT TO DO THIS.
GET OVER
IT, FUNNIE
YOU SOUND LIKE
AN OLD POOP.
EXCUSE ME, GUYS.
[ gulps]
BUT MR. BONE,
THIS ISN'T LIKE YOUR DREAM.
THIS IS A REAL
75-FOOT DROP.
COME ON, BUDDY.
ARE YOU WITH ME
OR NOT?
IT WAS THEN I REALIZED
WHAT THE COST OF KEEPING
MR. BONE HAPPY WAS GOING TO BE.
[ laughing]
GOT YOU.
Man:
WE'VE COME TO JOIN
THESE TWO IN MARRIAGE.
DOES YOUR BEST MAN
HAVE A RING?
[ laughing]
HERE'S YOUR TEETH.
[ laughing]
GOT YOU.
FUNNIE?
FUNNIE!
COME ON, LET'S
I'M SORRY, MR. BONE.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO GIVE YOU
THIS SKATEBOARD.
WHAT?
I CAME TO BRING
YOU GET-WELL CARDS
AND YOU TOOK
MY SKATEBOARD
BY MISTAKE.
OH, SO IN OTHER WORDS,
YOU HATE ME.
I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
YES, YOU DID.
THAT'S JUS
WHAT YOU SAID.
NO, IT'S NOT.
YOU CAN KEEP YOUR
DUMB OLD SKATEBOARD.
WHOA!
YEEOOWWW!
HELLO, MR. BONE.
EVERYBODY WAS
WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
WE PITCHED IN AND
WE BOUGHT THESE.
IT'S NOT A
SKATEBOARD BUT
FUNNIE, I WAN
TO THANK YOU.
HUH?
I'M TURNING OVER
A NEW LEAF.
FROM NOW ON, YOU'RE GOING
TO SEE A NEW MR. BONE.
READY TO FACE
THE WORLD
WITH A RENEWED
SENSE OF
WHAT SCHOOLCHILDREN
REALLY NEED.
SKATEBOARDS?
DISCIPLINE!
WITHOUT DISCIPLINE
LIFE IS JUST A LOT OF HUBBUB
AND SKATEBOARD ACCIDENTS.
I CAN'T WAI
TO GET BACK TO SCHOOL.
SO THE GOOD NEWS IS
MR. BONE ISN'T ACTING
LIKE A CHILD ANYMORE.
THE BAD NEWS IS
Mr. Bone:
ALL RIGHT, HURRY UP.
GET TO CLASS ON THE DOUBLE.
ONE SECOND LATE
AND IT'LL BE
ON YOUR PERMANENT RECORD.
HE'S BACK
TO NORMAL.
HEY, THOSE SHOES
COULD USE A GOOD SHINE
AND YOU, MISSY, THOSE
EARRINGS DON'T MATCH.
LET'S STOW THA
SKATEBOARD PRONTO!
AT EXACTLY 5:32 A.M. LAST MONDAY
THE SUN CAME UP.
THE FIRST PLACE IT HIT WAS
THE TOP OF BLUFFCO INDUSTRIES--
THE HIGHEST POINT
IN BLUFFINGTON.
IT RACED INTO TOWN
ALONG COOPER'S ROAD
SHOT DOWN MAIN STREE
TOOK A RIGHT AT THE CORNER
OF VINE AND JUMBO
AND AT 5:34 AND
45 SECONDS EXACTLY
AFTER NINE SOLID
MONTHS OF WAITING
THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER VACATION
REACHED 21 JUMBO STREET.
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
DEAR JOURNAL, IT WAS
THE FIRST DAY OF VACATION.
WE HAD JUST UNCOVERED
AN ANCIENT BURIAL GROUND.
MR. DINK CAME OVER AND SAID
HE WANTED TO TALK TO ME.
AH, DOUGLAS,
PSST.
HE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
IN FRONT OF SKEETER.
SO THAT NIGHT.
I WANT TO SHOW
YOU SOMETHING
THAT I'VE NEVER
SHOWN ANYONE BEFORE.
[ gasps]
OH, GOLLY!
THIS IS REALLY
SPECIAL, DOUGLAS.
A COOKBOOK,
MR. DINK?
NO, LOOK CLOSER, DOUGLAS.
SEE? THAT'S ME.
HERE I AM
AT AGE 12.
OH, GOSH, AND THIS
IS ME WHEN I WAS 16.
AND HERE I WAS
'43, THE YEAR THEY
INTRODUCED HONKER SAUCE.
MR. DINK, YOU'RE
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
WHO KNOWS, DOUGLAS.
I'M THE
HAMBURGER BOY.
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
MY NEIGHBOR WAS
THE GUY IN THE GOOFY SUI
WAVING CARS INTO
THE HONKER BURGER EVERY SUMMER.
HEY, LOOK.
WHOA, DOWN, BOY, DOWN,
WATCH IT, GET OFF ME!
I NEVER HAD ANY IDEA
THAT I WAS LAUGHING AT MR. DINK.
SINCE I WAS YOUR AGE
I'VE SPENT THE FIRST WEEK
OF EVERY SUMMER
BEING THE HAMBURGER BOY.
TILL NOW.
I HAVE TO GO
OUT OF TOWN
ON BUSINESS
THIS WEEK.
THAT'S TOO BAD,
MR. DINK.
WHO ARE YOU GOING TO
GET TO REPLACE YOU?
YOU'VE BEEN JUST LIKE
A SON TO ME, DOUGLAS.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
I'LL DO IT.
I WAS STUCK.
FOR THE NEXT WEEK
I WAS GOING TO BE THE GOOF
IN THE BIG BURGER SUIT.
I CAN ONLY TELL YOU
I'M INVOLVED IN A MAJOR SUIT.
IT'S ONLY FOR ONE WEEK.
LUCKILY MR. DINK WANTED
TO KEEP IT A BIG SECRET.
AND DO YOU SWEAR TO KEEP
YOUR IDENTITY SECRE
AND UPHOLD THE HONOR
OF THE HAMBURGER BOY?
I DO.
WHAT SIZE PICKLE
DO YOU WEAR?
AS SO IT BEGAN
AND WHAT WOULD
YOU LIKE
FROM THE HAMBURGER
BOY, LITTLE BOY?
ONE LITTLE HONKER MEAL.
DOUG, IT'S DOUGIE.
DOUGIE, DOUG,
DOUG, DOUG, DOUG.
DOUG, DOUG,
DOUGIE.
NO, DALE,
THAT'S NOT DOUG.
THAT'S THE BIG
HONKER BURGER.
DOUG, DOUG,
DOUG, DOUG, DOUG.
JUST GIVE HIM
A LITTLE HONKER MEAL.
WHERE IS DOUG,
SKEETER?
I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE
GOING PENNY-DIVING.
HE DISAPPEARED.
NOBODY KNOWS WHA
HAPPENED TO HIM.
Skeeter:
COME ON, DALE,
SAY THANK YOU.
DOUG, DOUG.
IT WENT ON LIKE THAT ALL WEEK.
THEN ON FRIDAY,
WHEN I WAS TAKING MY BREAK
Patti:DOUG!
PATTI, OH, NO.
HERE YOU ARE!
WE WERE WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED.
YOU LOOK BEAT.
OH, YEAH, WELL
OH, NO, GOT TO GO.
DOUG, WAIT, LISTEN.
DO YOU WANT TO
COME TO THE PICNIC
WITH SKEETER
AND ME TOMORROW?
WHY SURE, PATTI.
GREAT!
IT WASN'T TILL LATER
I REMEMBERED.
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE HAMBURGER
AT THE SAME PICNIC.
I KNEW IT WOULD BE TOUGH
BUT I WAS GOING TO TRY
TO BE THE HAMBURGER BOY
AND HAVE A PICNIC.
I HAD IT TIMED PRECISELY.
AFTER I GAVE THE AWARD
FOR UNDERWATER FREEZE TAG
I HAD EIGHT MINUTES
BEFORE THE WATERMELON FLOAT.
CONGRATULATIONS.
Doug:
HEY, PATTI,
HEY, SKEETER.
SORRY, I'M LATE.
HEY, DOUG.
DOUG, YOU CAME!
BURGER, BURGER, BURGER.
DO YOU GUYS
SMELL PICKLES?
YEAH, I'M
STARVING TOO.
[ pistol firing]
WHAT WAS THAT?
JUST A START OF ONE
OF THE RACES, I GUESS.
WHAT?
IT CAN'T BE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
CONGRATULATIONS.
Girls:
HUH?
MY PANTS.
Dale:
DOUGIE BURGER.
OH, NO!
DALE, COME BACK HERE.
DOUG, THERE YOU ARE.
[ gasps]
DOUG, COME ON.
SKEETER AND I SAVED YOU
A PLACE IN OUR CANOE.
UH-HUH
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I JUST REMEMBERED
SOMETHING I HAVE TO DO.
WELL, OKAY.
SEE YOU.
I DECIDED THE ONLY WAY
I COULD GET MY PANTS BACK
WAS TO APPEAL TO DALE'S
LOVE OF THE BIG BURGER.
I HAD ABOUT TWO MINUTES
BEFORE I HAD TO GIVE OUT
THE RIBBON FOR THE CANOE RACE.
HEY, DALE.
DOUG BURGER, DOUG BURGER!
NYAH, NYAH, NYAH.
DOUG BURGER.
SHH, HEY, DALE,
NICE, DALE, COME ON.
HEY!
BURGER DOUGIE.
BURGER DOUGIE.
HEY, DALE.
HEY, DALE!
BURGER DOUGIE.
NO, MINE.
NO, PORKCHOP.
IT'S ME, DOUG.
STOP IT.
I MEAN IT.
CUT IT OUT.
I FIGURED IT OUT.
HE HATES ME.
NO, HE DOESN'T.
BUT I THINK I KNOW
WHAT DOUG'S BEEN DOING.
WHAT?
LOOK AT THAT!
PORKCHOP,
STOP IT, HEEL.
HEEL. CUT IT OUT.
PLEASE SIT DOWN, AL.
FOR STABILITY,
YOU MUST NOT STAND.
PLEASE, STABILITY
THE STABILITY!
OH, NO!
OH, NO!
HELP, DANGER.
WE'RE DROWNING.
LOOK!
HUH!
HELP, LET ME IN.
PLEASE, LET ME IN.
STOP IT!
YOU'LL TURN
THE BOAT OVER.
HELP! HELP! HELP!
THE HORROR.
LET US IN.
MOVE OVER.
GIVE ME A HAND.
WHAT ARE YOU
GUYS DOING?
STOP ROCKING
THE BOAT.
HELP!
HELP.
HELP!
HELP!
WE DO NO
BREATHE WATER.
Skeeter:HELP!
HUH?
HURRY, HOLD ON.
EVERYBODY,
HOLD ON
AND STAY WITH
THE BURGER.
COME ON, STAY
WITH THE BURGER.
THANK YOU, GIAN
HAMBURGER PERSON.
[ cheering]
FORGIVE ME.
OKAY.
WAIT, WHERE'D HE GO?
WHERE'S HAMBURGER BOY?
HE DISAPPEARED.
HMM!
AND THEN OU
OF NOWHERE
THE GIANT HAMBURGER
PERSON APPEARED.
HE HAD THE STRENGTH
OF 7.3 PERSONS.
HEY, SKEETER,
HEY, PATTI.
DOUG, WHERE WERE YOU?
OH, UH, I WAS
YOU DON'T NEED
TO SAY IT, DOUG.
I FIGURED OU
YOUR SECRET.
UH, SECRET?
WHY YOU WERE GONE
ALL THIS TIME.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
I WON'
TELL ANYBODY.
YOU GUESSED, HUH?
IT WAS
PRETTY OBVIOUS.
YOU SHOULDN'T BE EMBARRASSED.
A LOT OF PEOPLE CAN'T SWIM.
BUT WHAT COULD I SAY?
I HAD TO KEEP
MY OATH OF SILENCE.
I COULD NEVER TELL HER
I WAS THE HEROIC HAMBURGER BOY.
HMM, THAT'S FUNNY.
I SMELL PICKLES.
Reporter:
This home video,
taken by an amateur
is the only actual record
we have of Hamburger Boy.
The only clue left behind was
this one pickle-shaped shoe.
HE'S CERTAINLY
THE BRAVEST HAMBURGER
I'VE EVER SEEN.
The mystery remains.
Who is this masked stranger?
Where did he come from?
And why was he carrying
that pair of pants?
HMM, I WONDER.
NAH, IT COULDN'T BE.