Duncanville (2020) s03e11 Episode Script

1
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Ooh!
Ah!
- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!
- Duncan!
- Duncan!
Hurry up, kids. You're
gonna miss the school bus.
Why aren't you driving us?
You said the school bus
driver was an alcoholic.
I said he drives
like an alcoholic.
- We didn't even have breakfast.
- Here you go.
Nom, nom, nom.
Okay, time's up.
Your father and I
have to get to work.
We're busy, frazzled,
working parents, aren't we, Jack?
So busy, so frazzled. Bye.
Bam! Binge time.
Slanket us, baby.
M'lady, prepare yourself for
ten hours of heaving bosoms
- and quivering buttocks.
- Don't forget lip-licking
and looks of askance.
Last season
on "Bodicetown,"
Lady Paleshoulders made
a shocking announcement.
I am betrothed to Sir Tightincloth,
and my flower is ready
to be plucked.
But how quickly
spring can turn to winter.
You plucked my flower
and didn't even send
a messenger pigeon afterward.
Perhaps this message will suffice.
Mm
Oh, what a recap.
Butta gutta,
butta gutta, butta gutta.
Good morning, students.
After a series
of violent parent protests,
we will no longer
be serving 2% milk.
My stepdad whaled on a guy
for that. He's a full-fatter.
And today's big announcement
it's C-SET time.
We all know
what C-SET stands for,
but I'll say it anyway:
Class Superlative Election Time.
It's important
that students are recognized
for things that won't matter
a damn in ten years.
I'm Mr. Mitch, and those are
your morning announcements.
Sorry, y'all allergies.
Yeah, that's good.
This is the year
I'm finally winning Best Laugh.
Tell me which one
you like the best.
Can I hear the last one again?
Yeah, not that one.
I think I have a shot
at Mr. Personality.
I just hope I don't get
Most Likely to Succeed again.
- It's so embarrassing.
- You could withdraw your name.
Or you could mind
your own business, Bex.
What title are you going for, D?
I don't know.
Maybe Class Couple?
Or Best Eyes.
I'd totally vote for you.
You would?
Yeah, my eyes are pretty dreamy.
Okay, I'm just gonna
give you a baby wipe.
Oh, you definitely gettin'
Class Clown again, Bex.
You had a stellar year
Alka-Seltzer
in the teachers' toilet,
arm fart
during that moment of silence,
and who else would draw
a wiener on that painting
of George Washington
crossing the Delaware?
- Mwah.
- Yeah, the laughter I get
from my vulgar and crass
behavior is a special feeling.
But I can't take the title for granted.
You're only as funny
as your last crying teacher.
Now if you'll excuse me
Hoomby, doomby, ding
me down, me poomp-a-wha.
- Yes!
- She got my vote.
Pluck my flower.
Pluck it, pluck it, pluck
oh, yes.
- Keep plucking.
- Me doth loves this.
Wow, look at 'em go, Jack.
It's been eight minutes
of nonstop relations.
Well, back then, they had
no "Bodicetown" to watch.
It was just duelin' and doin' it.
Yeah, if you didn't use it,
it got cut off.
The king would take it!
I'll tell you what I do
find unbelievable though.
He hasn't had one
lower-back spasm.
And her bosoms haven't
rolled under her armpits.
Jack, you're suckin'
on that spoon pretty hard.
Oh, my God, the spoon's empty.
We ran out of ice cream.
We can't watch seven more hours
of hot young people
getting it on without the
cooling comfort of ice cream.
Aw, I don't feel like
putting on pants
and going to the store.
Who said anything
about putting on pants?
Oh, God bless you, Gary Clegg,
- inventor of the Slanket.
- M'lady.
And the nominees for Best Eyes
are Duncan Harris
Gorgeous.
- To die for.
- I'm lost in them.
And the new student
who just started today, Januko.
- Seems close.
- Sit down, Duncan.
- Yes, sir.
- Damn, we are getting smoked today.
I won,
but I'll probably give it back.
- When?
- When I feel like it, Wolf.
And now it's time
for the most anticipated award,
Class Clown.
And this sole nominee
is the five-year reigning
Jester of Jokedale, Bex.
- I'm Bex!
- Whoo!
- You're the best!
- Fellow students,
as your incumbent clown,
I promise you another year
of food fights, split pants,
and pricelessly timed farts.
What a one-two punch.
Okay, let's wrap up
this sham election.
- Who votes for Bex?
- Who cares?
Friday night,
we're playing the Vikings,
or as I call them, the Suckings!
Whoa
- Corey's hilarious.
- Corey for Class Clown!
That wasn't class clowning.
That was just cruelty,
and he already won Most Cruel.
Corey! Corey! Corey!
- No chant-in candidates!
- Sorry, Bex,
but the popular kids scare me.
Plus, it's lunchtime.
- Corey wins.
- Yeah! My life's easy.
Oh, my closer.
Okay, give us a pint
of your Robert Brownie Jr.,
Drew Barrys'more,
Fudge Judy, Anderson Scooper,
and I'm gonna finally try
the Mint Romney.
I'm sorry, this isn't
an ice cream store anymore.
Wait, it's not
Pop's Sprinkle Shop?
No, it's Doc's Wrinkle Spot.
We tried to come up with a name
to replace as little
of the sign as possible.
So we can't get a cold scoop?
No, but you can
get a cool sculpt.
That's where
we freeze your fat,
and it leaks out of your body
at unexpected times.
We provide age-reversing
treatments like fillers,
skin peels, laser back shaving,
testicle balancing, and Botox.
Those things are for people who
are unhappy with their looks,
and we're very happy
with our looks.
Are you?
Your frown lines say otherwise.
- We look fine.
- And here's the magnifying side.
Oh, God!
So that's a yes?
In the words
of Lady Paleshoulders
Poketh me good, baby.
- We look amazing.
- Now that we've
chemically altered your appearance,
You probably have
some questions
- you should have asked earlier.
- Just one.
Is there
a horse-drawn carriage nearby?
I believe there's
one parked outside.
Ah.
Oh, pluck. Oh, pluck.
Annie and Jack had discovered
the botulism-infused plague
of eternal youth,
and as their skin tightened,
their undergarments loosened.
We just had
sex twice in 12 hours.
I'll get your
post-coital Ben-Gay.
I don't even need the PCBG.
My back was having
too much fun to spasm.
And my trick knee
didn't give out
when I backflipped
off the hamper.
Is it possible
that the lady magazines
at the supermarket are right,
that looking younger
makes you feel younger?
Yeah, I feel like I could do
50 sit-ups right now.
Well, the point is,
I haven't felt
that delusion in years.
Mommy and Daddy
haven't come downstairs yet.
How do we get food?
All right, let's see what's
in the old emergency kit.
Okay, what do we got?
Foil blanket, toilet paper
hello
and some dried food.
"Parsnip flakes and
dehydrated pork fat gravy"?
"Dried turkey chips
and taco-style sauce" I'm out.
Just fire the gun
and wake up Mom and Dad.
Where have you two been,
and why do you look like
vacation photos of you
from before we were born?
Where are the lines in your face?
I can't see the road.
Yeah, where's
your normal haggardness?
Uh, we've been just drinking
water and eating lettuce.
And stretching.
Lots of stretching.
Don't you think
they look different?
I don't know.
I never look at their faces.
You had work done.
- No, we didn't.
- Oh, yeah?
I let Dylan Walker feel a boob.
Kimberly!
We have never been
more disappointed in you.
I knew it.
You got your crow's feet
'toxed, elevens filled,
marionette lines smoothed,
eyebags emptied,
and necks de-waddled.
'Fess up, younger looking lady!
- Okay, lettuce.
- All right.
We were watching "Bodicetown,"
ate $100 worth of ice cream,
were feeling bad about ourselves.
We got a little tune-up.
Aren't we entitled
to look our best?
No, you gave that up
when you decided to get old.
We just wanna relive
that moment in our life
when we were young and hot
before time and children
ravaged us.
Let's do it, Jack!
Right now,
- while we're still artificially young.
- To our tight, sexy past!
So should we go
to school or what?
I'm just gonna lay
under this foil blanket
and listen
to this hand-cranked radio.
As this emergency broadcast
goes off-air, good luck
and God bless everyone.
Welcome to sexual education.
This loser's trying to
prevent unwanted pregnancies.
Tear him apart, Bex.
Today, we'll be learning
the application
of a prophylactic onto a genitalia.
I'll demonstrate with a banana.
Give me a moment while
I rummage around my sack.
He's rummaging his sack.
Trash this good man, Bex.
Oh, my sack smells terrible.
My ex-wife always complained
about my smelly, unwashed sack.
He givin' you the alley-oop, Bex!
Here's the little guy.
Oh, it might be hard
to put on a condom
when it's so mushy
better when they're firm.
Even I wanna hear
what you have to say, Bex.
Oh, I have
something to say, all right.
Grow up!
Good one!
Wait, no, it wasn't.
You want jokes?
Go to your class clown, Corey.
- Corey, you got anything?
- Um, that banana looks like a wang.
You gotta admit, Bex.
That wasn't bad under pressure.
Everybody, shut up!
This poor educator
is trying to teach
you ungrateful hooligans
- some sexual manners.
- Thank you, Bex.
You know, I also am in charge
of the Student Patrol.
We could always use another
humorless scold like you
- to keep order and stifle laughter.
- Student Patrol?
You mean I'd be empowered
to take out my petty grievances
on those who didn't vote for me?
Yeah, that fills the void nicely!
You hear that?
You didn't celebrate me,
but now you will fear me.
Now pipe down,
and listen to this guy
talk about smashin'.
- Carry on, Mr. P.
- And now a subject that gives
me no pleasure, masturbation.
That's what I thought.
You look very snazzy, mister.
Please, "mister" is what
people called me yesterday.
We need spunky new duds to
match our bitchin' new look.
I'm gonna follow your lead.
You seem to know the lingo.
Can I be honest?
Those are way too young for you.
Let me show you
where the clothes
for people in their 20s are.
Our 20s?
Hot diggity!
Jack, watch the slang.
Hot diggity. I like that.
Hot diggity,
I'll take this shirt.
Oh, well, hot diggity,
I'll ring it up.
Oh, my God, Jack.
We're really pulling this off.
Wanna see how far
we can take this?
Hot diggity!
Sorry, kids.
I can't sell you beer.
Yes!
You're too young
to buy cigarettes,
but just the right age to buy
this cotton candy vape juice.
- Yes!
- Also, shame on you.
You're not old enough
to get your prostate checked.
Get out of here,
you crazy, perverted kid.
Yes!
Hey, hey, hey, no running!
Hey, you're walking too slow.
Hey, what's with you
walking just right?
Clean up this table.
Your mom doesn't work here.
- Actually, my mom does work here.
- Not anymore.
- Dolores, you're fired!
- Oh.
Oh, Poker Cat
is tearing Ben Affleck up.
I don't like those frivolity levels.
- Take it down.
- What happened to you, Bex?
You used to be diggity.
We get you're pissed
about losing your title,
but acting like this
can't be making you happy.
That's where you're wrong, Red.
- It's filling my tank.
- You're scaring me, Bex.
Sorry, but being
class clown was my world
ever since I got my first laugh
when I was six years old.
- Ow.
- You're next, frizz ball.
This is the body of Christ.
Ew. I don't know what
part of His body this is,
but I'm guessing butt.
Making kids laugh
made me feel special.
Then I saw how easily
I could be replaced
and realized I'm not.
But a bad attitude and
yardstick, baby that's special,
and I don't have to fart
so hard I split my pants,
which my doctor said was
sending me to an early grave.
Happy Birthday to you ♪
Hey, no open flame!
But I was
just about to make my wish.
It's my wish now.
Well, when you get Rihanna,
make sure you treat her right.
Fun day, but I gotta
admit I'm beat. Good news
- about my prostate though.
- Yeah, my torso's gettin'
a little cold in this crop top.
- Mm!
- Hey, freshmen, a little help!
He thinks we're freshmen,
and he wants
their giant can of beer back.
Thanks, d-bags.
Wanna party?
It's one of the brodies' birthdays.
Annie, it's a real live frat party.
We've been dreaming of this
ever since
we never went to college.
Yeah, we've only seen these
in funny movies
and chilling documentaries.
We can't pass this up
unless you're too tired.
Hell no. I'm gonna pop
a Silver Centrum gummy
and get a second wind.
- We accept your kind invitation.
- Hot diggity!
Wait, are you lying
about your age?
- Mm
- 'Cause if you're high school
students, we could get in trouble.
Chill, dude.
We're older than we look.
Awesome!
Sorry I called you guys
- d-bags earlier.
- No problem.
We deserved it.
Let's party!
- Yeah!
- Will Annie and Jack
enjoy a night of drunken revelry?
I know I will.
Happy birthday, brodie!
Yee-haw!
It's even more magical
than I imagined!
- Freshman burrito!
- I'm gettin' hazed, Annie.
- It burns so good!
- Good for you, honey.
- I'm playing flippy cup.
- Flip, flip, flip the cup.
Soon, we'll all be throwing up.
Bam, bam, bam, boom.
Our queen.
They're gonna push me off the roof.
Have fun, honey!
YOLO!
We young people are crazy.
Tonight's game is
dedicated to the memory of
It's dedicated to the memory
of the Vikings,
- or as I call them
- The Suckings!
- What are you doing here?
- We don't know where Mom
and Dad are, so we decided to
have cotton candy for dinner.
Hey, hey!
Leave some room
for the Holy Ghost.
Did you sneak
those empañadas from home?
I'm appropriating
this contraband.
My grandma made those
for my birthday.
Tell her they're bad.
Hey, our cotton candy
looks like Duncan's hair.
- Yeah, it do look like your 'do.
- It do not.
I'm Duncan.
I'm an idiot.
I ran out of clean underwear
- and wore my sister's.
- One time!
What's all
the commotion up there?
I'm Duncan.
My mom has to give me a bath.
Oh, you're one to talk, Jing.
No cuttin' up and hee-hawing.
But we're being funny like you, Bex.
She's right.
I don't need a stupid title
to be down to clown.
I'm an inspiration
to future fire alarm pullers
and stink bomb throwers.
I am special.
Ha!
Why?
I'm a good person!
Hail to the clown, baby!
I am your clown ♪
And I'll see you
in sex ed class ♪
Oh, dear.
All right, Bobby Brown
dance challenge. Let's do this.
Bobby Brown?
From the '80s?
That's before our time.
Yeah, we've never
heard of him or made out
at one of his concerts,
but we'll try to keep up.
Every little step I take ♪
You will be there,
every little step I make ♪
We'll be together ♪
We got old once, Jack,
but never again!
Let's be young and drunk forever!
We're being TikTok'd!
"Yahoo! News,"
here we come!
Listenin' for the telephone ♪
Jack, your right jowl
just dropped.
Oh, you wanna see a drop?
That was dope.
Why are you frowning?
You're frowning!
Why didn't they warn us
this dubious procedure
- was temporary?
- Your brow is furrowing!
You shouldn't be able
to furrow.
Nicole Kidman doesn't furrow!
If these kids realize
we're secretly hideous,
we'll be exposed as the
pathetic old people we are!
I don't wanna be
a biral me-me.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, no!
A crying girl
I have to console her.
Look at me!
If he can't handle your worst,
- he doesn't deserve your best.
- Mm.
It's a college party,
I'm a dead man
if I don't play "Wonderwall."
And you're an old man if you stay.
You're already Giuliani'ing!
Wrestle! Wrestle!
Wrestle! Wrestle!
- Ew!
- Dude, I don't mean to be
body shaming, but that
is not the freshman 15.
Edward Fortyhands!
Jack, I played this
at a baby shower once.
They won't take them off
until we drink them all.
- Whose baby shower?
- Lianne.
Oh, right. Lianne.
God, I hope that kid's okay.
Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug!
What are you looking at?
That's right.
We're old.
You don't know what's diggity.
Oh, my burps taste awful.
They smell awful too, honey.
Here, have some more Dwayne,
The Rocky Road, Johnson.
Well, there's no fightin' it, Jack.
We're aging, but you know what?
There's no one I'd rather
grow old with than you.
Aw, babe.
Well, I think we look
- better this way.
- We do look good,
and also, we're both losing
our eyesight, so who cares?
There's nothing I'd rather do
than feel you up
under a Slanket.
Then have
at me, Lady Thickbottom.
Oh,
I shall, Sir Dadboddington.
Annie and Jack's
torrid passion quickly turned
to deep sleep
And they learned
that while getting old
is no prance in the park,
- at least they could
Good God.
Huh?
Oh, is it cookie time again?
I'll take 100.
No, we're the new writers
for Bex.
Get in here.
School starts in ten minutes.
All right,
what do you got for me?
Okay, you know how juice box
holes are always too small
for the straw?
Well, I was thinking it
Are you gonna get to the joke
before I die?
What do you got, Kimberly?
- So this isn't ha ha funny, but
- I eat, sleep, and crap ha ha's.
But I struggled all night
to come up with this.
- Will you at least hear it?
- You wanna talk about struggle?
I struggled all
through grade school to learn
how to fit a banana up my nose.
But when I sneeze it out
at lunch today,
that cafeteria is gonna be
a river of pee
from kids laughing so hard.
That's the bar
banana nose.
You know she likes you, right?
I don't care.
I just want the soda.